ARMTHORPE BELLS.[173]

I. I SING the church of Armthorpe town,[174] That stands upon a hill, And all who in the Fly[175] come down May see it if they will. II. But there to them it doth appear An humble barn, tho' neat, I wish the rector every year Had it choke full of wheat. III. I only mean, supposing it A very barn indeed; I'm sure he'd give thereof what's fit To them who stand in need. IV. The steeple then, you may presume, Is not like that of Grantham, For bells and chimes there was no room, And now they do not want them. V. In vain the Quakers it abuse, And with their canting flout it, Calling this church a steeple-house, There's no such thing about it. VI. Altho' no steeple doth appear, Yet bells they're not without, High hung in air, aloft they are, But where? Ah! there's the doubt. VII. How this can be, for you to tell Requires somewhat to think on; And yet they serve the folks as well As would Great Tom of Lincoln. VIII. The architect, a silly man, (And artist too—God wot;) Some say, when up he drew his plan, The steeple he forgot. IX. But that was not the cause of it, Our wiser rector fancies; 'Twas not the builder's lack of wit, But want of the finances. X. To rectify this great neglect, Before the cash was spent all, An useful thing he did erect, Both cheap and ornamental. XI. For he a simple wall did raise Upon the west-end gable, And I must own, unto his praise, It stands yet firm and stable. XII. And of his skill to give some proof, Which he'd not done before: He built it up above the roof, Some six feet high or more. XIII. Of this, from north to south th' extent Was full as long as high, For doing which his wise intent I'll tell you bye and bye. XIV. Two holes quite thro' this wall were seen Like windows in a garret, That two small bells might hang therein, For passengers to stare at. XV. But how to get these bells—alas! Much jangling did create, Much ale, and much tobacco, was Consum'd in the debate. XVI. One wiser than the rest propos'd To draw up a petition, Begging Sir George[176] would be dispos'd To pity their condition. XVII. That he would kindly grant this boon, Unto his tenants all, The dinner-bell that calls at noon The vassals to his hall. XVIII. When to sir George they did impart, How much they stood in need, He said he'd give't, with all his heart, And sent it them with speed. XIX. Their need by this being half supply'd, They wanted now but one, But that, with judgment great, they cried, Should have a shriller tone. XX. One thought upon a tavern bell, Another on a miller's, A third thought one would do as well That tinkles on a thill-horse. XXI. "A fine one's in the Angel bar,"[177] Says one, "and I can steal it, If on the bible you'll all swear You never will reveal it." XXII. The clerk, a simple tailor, cry'd He'd never touch the string, Or whatsoever else they ty'd To the accursed thing. XXIII. The tailor's speech did for some time Put all in great combustion, They said it was no greater crime To steal a bell than fustian. XXIV. Here they had stuck, had it not been For what I shall relate, A gift to them quite unforeseen Which was decreed by fate. XXV. A neighb'ring corp'rate town,[178] who found Their crier's bell too small, To get one with a deeper sound Had call'd a common-hall. XXVI. The mayor, for th' honor of the place, Commendably was zealous, And of whate'er might it disgrace Was equally as jealous. XXVII. Said, "Gentlemen and brethren dear, You need not now be told That this here town for many a year Look'd very mean and old. XXVIII. "But so magnificent is grown, As know ye all full well; That quality from London town Choose here to come and dwell. XXIX. "Our Mansion-house, inside and out, So elegant doth rise, That, in the nation round-about, 'Tis mention'd with surprize. XXX. "Of precious time 'twould be a loss, Should I make long preambles Of pavements, lamps, and butter-cross, And of our butchers' shambles. XXXI. "But here the new-built gaol, I own,[179] Ought not to be forgotten, A sweeter place in all the town No one would choose to rot in. XXXII. "Yet notwithstanding all our pains, Our judgment and expence, Yet wanting much, one thing remains Of weighty consequence. XXXIII. "For what avails our large gilt mace, Our full-furr'd purple gowns? Our scarlet fiddlers' noted race, And lord-like pack of hounds?[180] XXXIV. "What, tho' our huntsman's clothed well, In coat of grass-green plush,[181] Whene'er I see our crier's bell, I vow it makes me blush. XXXV. "Whene'er we're sitting in this hall, The sound on't makes me sick, For 'tis a great burlesque on all Our body politic. XXXVI. "No dignity's thereby convey'd, No harmony decorous, I marvel much no order's made It shan't be rung before us. XXXVII. "Then, gentlemen, with decent pride, At this our solemn sitting, Let us agree that we provide A bell our town befitting." XXXVIII. The court agreed; a bell was bought, With more melodious tongue, How much it cost I have forgot, But to this day 'tis rung. XXXIX. Th' offensive bell was laid aside, Like statesmen when discarded, And in a stable did reside, Entirely disregarded. XL. Soon did the news of this event, Reach Armthorpe you may swear. From whence two leading men were sent To treat with Mr. Mayor. XLI. Whom they approach'd with awkward bow, And then with sly address They told his worship, "That as how— They were in great distress." XLII. Said,—"A great work we have in hand, In which we've been too rash, For now it all is at a stand, Only for want of cash. XLIII. "A bell we want, a small one too. Would make our business right, A second-handed bell would do, Did we know where to buy't." XLIV. By this time he smelt out their drift, And gen'rous as a king, Said,—"We have one—to you we'll giv't,— 'Twill be the very thing. XLV. "And I'm well pleased, I do protest, To save you so much charge, But, I suppose, tho' you know best, Our bell will be too large." XLVI. The bell was fetch'd at his command, (A sight to them most pleasing,) Of which to them, with but one hand, He livery gave and seizin. XLVII. The joy they did at this conceive They could not well conceal, For as they bow'd, and took their leave, They rang a tingling peal. XLVIII. Full fast then homeward they did hie, (Almost as quick as thought,) Nor was their speed retarded by The weight of what they brought. XLIX. But when the town they did descry, They rung their bell aloud, Which their success did signify To the desponding crowd. L. The townsmen bless'd at the event, And at their hearts full glad, Quickly return'd the compliment, By ringing that they had. LI. So when a ship a fort salutes, No sooner have they done, The fort, to obviate all disputes, Returns them gun for gun. LII. Jason, who brought the golden fleece Upon the good ship Argo, Was not more welcom'd home than these, Tho' they did not so far go. LIII. Both bells were in triumphant state, With many a rustic grin, Conducted to the church-yard gate And introduc'd therein. LIV. Where in the shade of two spread yews, Like Baucis and Philemon, Was told at large the joyful news, To many a listning yeoman. LV. There wanted not to mount them high A windlass or a gable, For any lad that stood thereby To run them up was able. LVI. The bells, at last, were safely hung In their respective holes, At weddings, where they both are rung, At deaths, the largest tolls. LVII. At first they various ways did try In vain, to make them speak, At last they did succeed, and by Un tour de mechanique. LVIII. The clerk right wisely did foresee. By virtue of his post, That he of their good company Was like to have the most. LIX. To keep society alive, And that they still might please, Wish'd that some way he could contrive, T' enjoy the same with ease. LX. For this he cudgelled his brains, At length this happy thought Occurr'd,—which, with small cost and pains, He to perfection brought. LXI. He found two yard-long sticks would do, Which might from westward come, When each had been well fixed to It's tintinabulum. LXII. Two strings, for ropes,[182] a name too great, From these sticks might depend, And by two holes made thro' the slate, Into the church descend. LXIII. That he, when sitting on his breech, (In either hand a string) By giving an alternate twitch, With ease might make them ring. LXIV. A great example here is seen, Of the mechanic-power, Nor has there yet adopted been A better to this hour. LXV. Here critics may cry out with spite, Lord! how these verses jingle! But, otherwise, how could I write On bells that only tingle?