INTRODUCTION (continued 2)

So when he had thus spoken, he began with his mattock to dig his own grave: and I helped as best I could in whatever way he bade me; yet did I not conceive to what end all this was. Then said he: "My dear and only true son (for besides thee I never begat creature for the honour of our Creator), when my soul is gone to its own place, then do thy duty to my body, and pay me the last honours: cover me up with these same clods which we have even now dug from this pit." And thereupon he took me in his arms and, kissing me, pressed me harder to his breast than would seem possible for a man so weak as he appeared to be. And, "Dear child," says he, "I commend thee to God his protection, and die the more cheerfully because I hope He will receive thee therein." Yet could I do naught but lament and cry, yea, did hang upon the chains which he wore on his neck, and thought thereby to prevent him from leaving me. But "My son," says he, "let me go, that I may see if the grave be long enough for me." And therewith he laid aside the chains together with his outer garment, and so entered the pit even as one that will lie down to sleep, saying, "Almighty God, receive again the soul that Thou hast given: Lord, into Thy hands I commend my spirit." Thereupon did he calmly close his lips and his eyes: while I stood there like a stockfish, and dreamt not that his dear soul could so have left the body: for often I had seen him in such trances: and so now, as was my wont in such a case, I waited there for hours praying by the grave. But when my beloved hermit arose not again, I went down into the grave to him and began to shake, to kiss, and to caress him: but there was no life in him, for grim and pitiless death had robbed the poor Simplicissimus of his holy companionship. Then did I bedew or, to say better, did embalm with my tears his lifeless body, and when I had for a long time run up and down with miserable cries, began to heap earth upon him, with more sighs than shovelfuls: and hardly had I covered his face when I must go down again and uncover it afresh that I might see it and kiss it once more. And so I went on all day till I had finished, and in this way ended all the funeral; an "exequiae" and "ludi gladiatorii" wherein neither bier, coffin, pall, lights, bearers, nor mourners were at hand, nor any clergy to sing over the dead.

Chap. xiii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS DRIVEN ABOUT LIKE A STRAW IN A WHIRLPOOL

Now a few days after the hermit's decease I betook myself to the pastor above mentioned and declared to him my master's death, and therewith besought counsel from him how I should act in such a case. And though he much dissuaded me from living longer in the forest, yet did I boldly tread on in my predecessor's footsteps, inasmuch as for the whole summer I did all that a holy monk should do. But as time changeth all things, so by degrees the grief which I felt for my hermit grew less and less, and the sharp cold of winter without quenched the heat of my steadfast purpose within. And the more I began to falter the lazier did I become in my prayers, for in place of dwelling ever upon godly and heavenly thoughts, I let myself be overcome by the desire to see the world: and inasmuch as for this purpose I could do no good in my forest, I determined to go again to the said pastor and ask if he again would counsel me to leave the wood. To that end I betook myself to his village, which when I came thither I found in flames: for a party of troopers had but now plundered and burned it, and of the peasants killed some, driven some away, and some had made prisoners, among whom was the pastor himself. Ah God, how full is man's life of care and disappointment! Scarce hath one misfortune ended and lo! we are in another. I wonder not that the heathen philosopher Timon set up many gallows at Athens, whereon men might string themselves up, and so with brief pain make an end to their wretched life. These troopers were even now ready to march, and had the pastor fastened by a rope to lead him away. Some cried, "Shoot him down, the rogue!" Others would have money from him. But he, lifting up his hands to heaven, begged, for the sake of the Last Judgment, for forbearance and Christian compassion, but in vain; for one of them rode him down and dealt him such a blow on the head that he fell flat, and commended his soul to God. Nor did the remainder of the captured peasants fare any better. But even when it seemed these troopers, in their cruel tyranny, had clean lost their wits, came such a swarm of armed peasants out of the wood, that it seemed a wasps'-nest had been stirred. And these began to yell so frightfully and so furiously to attack with sword and musket that all my hair stood on end; and never had I been at such a merrymaking before: for the peasants of the Spessart and the Vogelsberg are as little wont as are the Hessians and men of the Sauerland and the Black Forest to let themselves be crowed over on their own dunghill. So away went the troopers, and not only left behind the cattle they had captured, but threw away bag and baggage also, and so cast all their booty to the winds lest themselves should become booty for the peasants: yet some of them fell into their hands. This sport took from me well-nigh all desire to see the world, for I thought, if 'tis all like this, then is the wilderness far more pleasant. Yet would I fain hear what the pastor had to say of it, who was, by reason of wounds and blows received, faint, weak, and feeble. Yet he made shift to tell me he knew not how to help or advise me, since he himself was now in a plight in which he might well have to seek his bread by begging, and if I should remain longer in the woods, I could hope no more for help from him; since, as I saw with my own eyes, both his church and his parsonage were in flames. Thereupon I betook myself sorrowfully to my dwelling in the wood, and because on this journey I had been but little comforted, yet on the other hand had become more full of pious thoughts, therefore I resolved never more to leave the wilderness: and already I pondered whether it were not possible for me to live without salt (which the pastor had until now furnished me with) and so do without mankind altogether.

Chap. xiv.: A QUAINT COMEDIA OF FIVE PEASANTS

So now that I might follow up my design and become a true anchorite, I put on my hermit's hair-shirt which he had left me and girded me with his chain over it: not indeed as if I needed it to mortify my unruly flesh, but that I might be like to my fore-runner both in life and in habit, and moreover might by such clothes be the better able to protect myself against the rough cold of winter. But the second day after the above-mentioned village had been plundered and burnt, as I was sitting in my hut and praying, at the same time roasting carrots for my food over the fire, there surrounded me forty or fifty musqueteers: and these, though amazed at the strangeness of my person, yet ransacked my hut, seeking what was not there to find: for nothing had I but books, and these they threw this way and that as useless to them. But at last, when they regarded me more closely and saw by my feathers what a poor bird they had caught, they could easily reckon there was poor booty to be found where I was. And much they wondered at my hard way of life, and shewed great pity for my tender youth, specially their officer that commanded them: for he shewed me respect, and earnestly besought me that I would shew him and his men the way out of the wood wherein they had long been wandering. Nor did I refuse, but led them the nearest way to the village, even where the before-mentioned pastor had been so ill handled; for I knew no other road.

Now before we were out of the wood, we espied some ten peasants, of whom part were armed with musquets, while the rest were busied with burying something. So our musqueteers ran upon them, crying, "Stay! stay!" But they answered with a discharge of shot, and when they saw they were outnumbered by the soldiers, away they went so quick that none of the musqueteers, being weary, could overtake them. So then they would dig up again what the peasants had been burying: and that was the easier because they had left the mattocks and spades which they used lying there. But they had made few strokes with the pick when they heard a voice from below crying out, "O ye wanton rogues, O ye worst of villains, think ye that Heaven will leave your heathenish cruelty and tricks unpunished? Nay, for there live yet honest fellows by whom your barbarity shall be paid in such wise that none of your fellow men shall think you worth even a kick of his foot." So the soldiers looked on one another in amazement, and knew not what to do. For some thought they had to deal with a ghost: to me it seemed I was dreaming: but the officer bade them dig on stoutly. And presently they came to a cask, which they burst open, and therein found a fellow that had neither nose nor ears, and yet still lived. He, when he was somewhat revived, and had recognised some of the troop, told them how on the day before, as some of his regiment were a-foraging, the peasants had caught six of them. And of these they first of all, about an hour before, had shot five dead at once, making them stand one behind another; and because the bullet, having already passed through five bodies, did not reach him, who stood sixth and last, they had cut off his nose and ears, yet before that had forced him to render to five of them the filthiest service in the world.^[4] But when he saw himself thus degraded by these rogues without shame or knowledge of God, he had heaped upon them the vilest reproaches, though they were willing now to let him go. Yet in the hope one of them would from annoyance send a ball through his head, he called them all by their right names: yet in vain. Only this, that when he had thus chafed them they had clapped him in the cask here present and buried him alive, saying, since he so desired death they would not cheat him of his amusement.

Now while the fellow thus lamented the torments he had endured, came another party of foot-soldiers by a cross road through the wood, who had met the abovementioned boors, caught five and shot the rest dead: and among the prisoners were four to whom that maltreated trooper had been forced to do that filthy service a little before. So now, when both parties had found by their manner of hailing one another that they were of the same army, they joined forces, and again must hear from the trooper himself how it had fared with him and his comrades. And there might any man tremble and quake to see how these same peasants were handled: for some in their first fury would say, "Shoot them down," but others said, "Nay: these wanton villains must we first properly torment: yea, and make them to understand in their own bodies what they have deserved as regards the person of this same trooper." And all the time while this discussion proceeded these peasants received such mighty blows in the ribs from the butts of their musquets that I wondered they did not spit blood. But presently stood forth a soldier, and said he: "You gentlemen, seeing that it is a shame to the whole profession of arms that this rogue (and therewith he pointed to that same unhappy trooper) have so shamefully submitted himself to the will of five boors, it is surely our duty to wash out this spot of shame, and compel these rogues to do the same shameful service for this trooper which they forced him to do for them." But another said: "This fellow is not worth having such honour done to him; for were he not a poltroon surely he would not have done such shameful service, to the shame of all honest soldiers, but would a thousand times sooner have died." In a word, 'twas decided with one voice that each of the captured peasants should do the same filthy service for ten soldiers which their comrade had been forced to do, and each time should say, "So do I cleanse and wash away the shame which these soldiers think they have endured."

Thereafter they would decide how they should deal with the peasants when they had fulfilled this cleanly task, So presently they went to work; but the peasants were so obstinate that neither by promise of their lives nor by any torture could they be compelled thereto. Then one took the fifth peasant, who had not maltreated the trooper, a little aside, and says he: "If thou wilt deny God and all His saints, I will let thee go whither thou wilt." Thereupon the peasant made reply, "he had in all his life taken little count of saints, and had had but little traffic with God," and added thereto with a solemn oath, "he knew not God and had no art nor part in His kingdom." So then the soldier sent a ball at his head: which worked as little harm as if it had been shot at a mountain of steel. Then he drew out his hanger and "Beest thou still here?" says he. "I promised to let thee go whither thou wouldst: see now, I send thee to the kingdom of hell, since thou wilt not to heaven": and so he split his head down to the teeth. And as he fell, "So," said the soldier, "must a man avenge himself and punish these loose rogues both in this world and the next."

Meanwhile the other soldiers had the remaining four peasants to deal with. These they bound, hands and feet together, over a fallen tree in such wise that their back-sides (saving your presence) were uppermost. Then they stript off their breeches, and took some yards of their match-string and made knots in it, and fiddled them therewith so mercilessly that the blood ran. So they cried out lamentably, but 'twas but sport for the soldiers, who ceased not to saw away till skin and flesh were clean sawn off the bones. Me they let go to my hut, for the last-arrived party knew the way well. And so I know not how they finished with the peasants.

Chap. xv.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS PLUNDERED, AND HOW HE DREAMED OF THE PEASANTS AND HOW THEY FARED IN TIMES OF WAR

Now when I came home I found that my fireplace and all my poor furniture, together with my store of provisions, which I had grown during the summer in my garden and had kept for the coming winter, were all gone. "And whither now?" thought I. And then first did need teach me heartily to pray: and I must summon all my small wits together, to devise what I should do. But as my knowledge of the world was both small and evil, I could come to no proper conclusion, only that 'twas best to commend myself to God and to put my whole confidence in Him: for otherwise I must perish. And besides all this those things which I had heard and seen that day lay heavy on my mind: and I pondered not so much upon my food and my sustenance as upon the enmity which there is ever between soldiers and peasants. Yet could my foolish mind come to no other conclusion than this--that there must of a surety be two races of men in the world, and not one only, descended from Adam, but two, wild and tame, like other unreasoning beasts, and therefore pursuing one another so cruelly.

With such thoughts I fell asleep, for mere misery and cold, with a hungry stomach. Then it seemed to me, as if in a dream, that all the trees which stood round my dwelling suddenly changed and took on another appearance: for on every tree-top sat a trooper, and the trunks were garnished, in place of leaves, with all manner of folk. Of these, some had long lances, others musquets, hangers, halberts, flags, and some drums and fifes. Now this was merry to see, for all was neatly distributed and each according to his rank. The roots, moreover, were made up of folk of little worth, as mechanics and labourers, mostly, however, peasants and the like; and these nevertheless gave its strength to the tree and renewed the same when it was lost: yea more, they repaired the loss of any fallen leaves from among themselves to their own great damage: and all the time they lamented over them that sat on the tree, and that with good reason, for the whole weight of the tree lay upon them and pressed them so that all the money was squeezed out of their pockets, yea, though it was behind seven locks and keys: but if the money would not out, then did the commissaries so handle them with rods (which thing they call military execution) that sighs came from their heart, tears from their eyes, blood from their nails, and the marrow from their bones. Yet among these were some whom men call light o' heart; and these made but little ado, took all with a shrug, and in the midst of their torment had, in place of comfort, mockery for every turn.

Chap. xvi.: OF THE WAYS AND WORKS OF SOLDIERS NOWADAYS, AND HOW HARDLY A COMMON SOLDIER CAN GET PROMOTION

So must the roots of these trees suffer and endure toil and misery in the midst of trouble and complaint, and those upon the lower boughs in yet greater hardship: yet were these last mostly merrier than the first named, yea and moreover, insolent and swaggering, and for the most part godless folk, and for the roots a heavy unbearable burden at all times. And this was the rhyme upon them:

Which rhymes were the less like to be lyingly invented in that they answered to the facts. For gluttony and drunkenness, hunger and thirst, wenching and dicing and playing, riot and roaring, murdering and being murdered, slaying and being slain, torturing and being tortured, hunting and being hunted, harrying and being harried, robbing and being robbed, frighting and being frighted, causing trouble and suffering trouble, beating and being beaten: in a word, hurting and harming, and in turn being hurt and harmed--this was their whole life. And in this career they let nothing hinder them: neither winter nor summer, snow nor ice, heat nor cold, rain nor wind, hill nor dale, wet nor dry; ditches, mountain-passes, ramparts and walls, fire and water, were all the same to them. Father nor mother, sister nor brother, no, nor the danger to their own bodies, souls, and consciences, nor even loss of life and of heaven itself, or aught else that can be named, will ever stand in their way, for ever they toil and moil at their own strange work, till at last, little by little, in battles, sieges, attacks, campaigns, yea, and in their winter quarters too (which are the soldiers' earthly paradise, if they can but happen upon fat peasants) they perish, they die, they rot and consume away, save but a few, who in their old age, unless they have been right thrifty reivers and robbers, do furnish us with the best of all beggars and vagabonds.

Next above these hard-worked folk sat old henroost-robbers, who, after some years and much peril of their lives, had climbed up the lowest branches and clung to them, and so far had had the luck to escape death. Now these looked more serious, and somewhat more dignified than the lowest, in that they were a degree higher ascended: yet above them were some yet higher, who had yet loftier imaginings because they had to command the very lowest. And these people did call coat-beaters, because they were wont to dust the jackets of the poor pikemen, and to give the musqueteers oil enough to grease their barrels with.

Just above these the trunk of the tree had an interval or stop, which was a smooth place without branches, greased with all manner of ointments and curious soap of disfavour, so that no man save of noble birth could scale it, in spite of courage and skill and knowledge, God knows how clever he might be. For 'twas polished as smooth as a marble pillar or a steel mirror. Just over that smooth spot sat they with the flags: and of these some were young, some pretty well in years: the young folk their kinsmen had raised so far: the older people had either mounted on a silver ladder which is called the Bribery Backstairs or else on a step which Fortune, for want of a better client, had left for them. A little further up sat higher folk, and these had also their toil and care and annoyance: yet had they this advantage, that they could fill their pokes with the fattest slices which they could cut out of the roots, and that with a knife which they called "War-contribution." And these were at their best and happiest when there came a commissary-bird flying overhead, and shook out a whole panfull of gold over the tree to cheer them: for of that they caught as much as they could, and let but little or nothing at all fall to the lowest branches: and so of these last more died of hunger than of the enemy's attacks, from which danger those placed above seemed to be free. Therefore was there a perpetual climbing and swarming going on on those trees; for each would needs sit in those highest and happiest places: yet were there some idle, worthless rascals, not worth their commissariat-bread, who troubled themselves little about higher places, and only did their duty. So the lowest, being ambitious, hoped for the fall of the highest, that they might sit in their place, and if it happened to one among ten thousand of them that he got so far, yet would such good luck come to him only in his miserable old age when he was more fit to sit in the chimney-corner and roast apples than to meet the foe in the field. And if any man dealt honestly and carried himself well, yet was he ever envied by others, and perchance by reason of some unlucky chance of war deprived both of office and of life. And nowhere was this more grievous than at the before-mentioned smooth place on the tree: for there an officer who had had a good sergeant or corporal under him must lose him, however unwillingly, because he was now made an ensign. And for that reason they would take, in place of old soldiers, inkslingers, footmen, overgrown pages, poor noblemen, and at times poor relations, tramps and vagabonds. And these took the very bread out of the mouths of those that had deserved it, and forthwith were made Ensigns.

Chap. xvii.: HOW IT HAPPENS THAT, WHEREAS IN WAR THE NOBLES ARE EVER PUT BEFORE THE COMMON MEN, YET MANY DO ATTAIN FROM DESPISED RANK TO HIGH HONOURS

All this vexed a sergeant so much that he began loudly to complain: whereupon one Nobilis answered him: "Knowst thou not that at all times our rulers have appointed to the highest offices in time of war those of noble birth as being fittest therefore. For greybeards defeat no foe: were it so, one could send a flock of goats for that employ: We say:

"Tell me," says he, "thou old cripple, is't not true that nobly born officers be better respected by the soldiery than they that beforetime have been but servants? And what discipline in war can ye find where no respect is? Must not a general trust a gentleman more than a peasant lad that had run away from his father at the plough-tail and so done his own parents no good service? For a proper gentleman, rather than bring reproach upon his family by treason or desertion or the like, will sooner die with honour. And so 'tis right the gentles should have the first place. So doth Joannes de Platea plainly lay it down that in furnishing of offices the preference should ever be given to the nobility, and these properly set before the commons. Such usage is to be found in all codes of laws, and is, moreover, confirmed in Holy Writ: for 'happy is the land whose king is of noble family,' saith Sirach in his tenth chapter; which is a noble testimony to the preference belonging to gentle birth. And even if one of your kidney be a good soldier enough that can smell powder and play his part well in every venture, yet is he not therefore capable of command of others: which quality is natural to gentlemen, or at least customary to them from their youth up. And so saith Seneca, 'A hero's soul hath this property, that 'tis ever alert in search of honour: and no lofty spirit hath pleasure in small and unworthy things.' Moreover, the nobles have more means to furnish their inferior officers with money and to procure recruits for their weak companies than a peasant. And so to follow the common proverb, it were not well to put the boor above the gentleman; yea, and the boors would soon become too high-minded if they be made lords straightway; for men say:

"Now had the peasants, by reason of long and respectable custom, possessed all offices in war and elsewhere, of a surety they would have let no gentleman into such. Yea, and besides, though ye soldiers of Fortune, as ye call yourselves, be often willingly helped to raise yourselves to higher ranks, yet ye are commonly so worn out that when they try you and would find you a better place, they must hesitate to promote you; for the heat of your youth is cooled down and your only thought is how ye can tend and care for your sick bodies which, by reason of much hardships, be crippled and of little use for war: yea, and a young dog is better for hunting than an old lion."

Then answered the old sergeant, "And what fool would be a soldier, if he might not hope by his good conduct to be promoted, and so rewarded for faithful service? Devil take such a war as that! For so 'tis all the same whether a man behave himself well or ill! Often did I hear our old colonel say he wanted no soldier in his regiment that had not the firm intention to become a general by his good conduct. And all the world must acknowledge that 'tis those nations which promote common soldiers, that are good soldiers too, that win victories, as may be seen in the case of the Turks and Persians; so says the verse

Then answered Nobilis: "If we see brave qualities and in an honest man, we shall not overlook them: for at this very time see how many there be who from the plough, from the needle, from shoemaking, and from shepherding have done well by themselves, and by such bravery have raised themselves up far above the poorer nobility to the ranks of counts and barons. Who was the Imperialist John de Werth? Who was the Swede Stalhans? Who were the Hessians, Little Jakob and St. André? Of their kind there were many yet well known whom I, for brevity's sake, forbear to mention. So is it nothing new in the present time, nor will it be otherwise in the future, that honest men attain by war to great honours, as happened also among the ancients. Tamburlaine became a mighty king and the terror of the whole world, which was before but a swineherd: Agathocles, King of Sicily, was son of a potter; Emperor Valentinian's father was a ropemaker; Maurice the Cappadocian, a slave, was emperor after Tiberius II.; Justin, that reigned before Justinian, was before he was emperor a swineherd; Hugh Capet, a butcher's son, was afterward King of France; Pizarro likewise a swineherd, which afterwards was marquess in the West Indies, where he had to weigh out his gold in hundredweights."

The sergeant answered: "All this sounds fair enough for my purpose: yet well I see that the doors by which we might win to many dignities be shut against us by the nobility. For as soon as he is crept out of his shell, forthwith your nobleman is clapped into such a position as we cannot venture to set our thoughts upon, howbeit we have done more than many a noble who is now appointed a colonel. And just as among the peasants many noble talents perish for want of means to keep a lad at his studies, so many a brave soldier grows old under the weight of a musquet, that more properly deserved a regiment and could have tendered great services to his general."

Chap. xviii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS TOOK HIS FIRST STEP INTO THE WORLD AND THAT WITH EVIL LUCK

I cared no longer to listen to this old ass, but grudged him not his complaints, for often he himself had beaten poor soldiers like dogs. I turned again to the trees whereof the whole land was full and saw how they swayed and smote against each other: and the fellows tumbled off them in batches. Now a crack; now a fall. One moment quick, the next dead. In a moment one lost an arm, another a leg, the third his head. And as I looked methought all trees I saw were but one tree, at whose top sat the war-god Mars, and which covered with its branches all Europe. It seemed to me this tree could have overshadowed the whole world: but because it was blown about by envy and hate, by suspicion and unfairness, by pride and haughtiness and avarice, and other such fair virtues, as by bitter north winds, therefore it seemed thin and transparent: for which reason one had writ on its trunk these rhymes:

By the mighty roaring of these cruel winds and the noise of the breaking of the tree itself I was awoke from my sleep, and found myself alone in my hut. Then did I again begin to ponder what I should do. For to remain in the wood was impossible, since I had been so utterly despoiled that I could not keep myself: nothing remained to me but a few books which lay strewn about in confusion. And when with weeping eyes I took these up to read, calling earnestly upon God that He would lead and guide me whither I should go, I found by chance a letter which my hermit had writ in his lifetime, and this was the content of it. "Beloved Simplicissimus, when thou findest this letter, go forthwith out of the forest and save thyself and the pastor from present troubles: for he hath done me much good. God, whom thou must at all times have before thine eyes and earnestly pray to, will bring thee to the place which is best for thee. Only keep Him ever in thy sight and be diligent ever to serve Him as if thou wert still in my presence in the wood. Consider and follow without ceasing my last words, and so mayest thou stand firm. Farewell."

I kissed this letter and the hermit's grave many thousand times, and started on my way to seek for mankind. Yet before I could find them I journeyed straight on for two whole days, and when night overtook me, sought out a hollow tree for my shelter, and my food was naught but beech-nuts which I picked up on the way: but on the third day I came to a pretty open field near Gelnhausen, and there I enjoyed a veritable banquet, for the whole place was full of wheatsheaves which the peasants, being frightened away after the great battle of Nördlingen, had for my good fortune not been able to carry off. Inside a sheaf I set up my tent, for 'twas cruel cold, and filled my belly with the ears of corn which I rubbed in my hands: and such a meal I had not enjoyed for a long time.

Chap. xix.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CAPTURED BY HANAU AND HANAU BY SIMPLICISSIMUS

When 'twas day I fed myself again with wheat, and thereafter betook myself to Gelnhausen, and there I found the gates open and partly burnt, yet half barricaded with dung. So I went in, but was ware of no living creature there. Indeed the streets were strewn here and there with dead, some of whom were stripped to their shirts, some stark naked. This was a terrifying spectacle, as any man can imagine. I, in my simplicity, could not guess what mishap had brought the place to such a plight. But not long after I learned that the Imperialists had surprised a few of Weimar's folk there. And hardly had I gone two-stones'-throw into the town when I had seen enough: so I turned me about and went across the meadows, and presently I came to a good road which brought me to the fine fortress of Hanau. When I came to the first sentries I tried to pass; but two musqueteers made at me, who seized me and took me off to their guard-room.

Now must I first describe to the reader my wonderful dress at that time, before I tell him how I fared further. For my clothing and behaviour were altogether so strange, astonishing, and uncouth, that the governor had my picture painted. Firstly, my hair had for two years and a half never been cut either Greek, German, or French fashion, nor combed nor curled nor puffed, but stood in its natural wildness with more than a year's dust strewn on it instead of hair plunder or powder, or whatever they call the fools' work--and that so prettily that I looked with my pale face underneath it, like a great white owl that is about to bite or else watching for a mouse. And because I was accustomed at all times to go bareheaded and my hair was curly, I had the look of wearing a Turkish turban. The rest of my garb answered to my head-gear; for I had on my hermit's coat, if I may now call it a coat at all, for the stuff out of which 'twas fashioned at first was now clean gone and nothing more remaining of it but the shape, which more than a thousand little patches of all colours, some put side by side, some sewn upon one another with manifold stitches, still represented. Over this decayed and yet often improved coat I wore the hair-shirt mantle-fashion, for I needed the sleeves for breeches and had cut them off for that purpose. But my whole body was girt about with iron chains, most deftly disposed crosswise behind and before like the pictures of St. William; so that all together made up a figure like them that have once been captured by the Turks and now wander through the land begging for their friends still in captivity. My shoes were cut out of wood and the laces woven out of strips of lime-bark: and my feet looked like boiled lobsters, as I had had on stockings of the Spanish national colour or had dyed my skin with logwood. In truth I believe if any conjurer, mountebank, or stroller had had me and had given me out for a Samoyede or a Greenlander, he would have found many a fool that would have wasted a kreutzer on me. Yet though any man in his wits could easily conclude, from my thin and starved looks and my decayed clothes, I came neither from a cook-shop nor a lady's bower, and still less had played truant from any great lord's court, nevertheless I was strictly examined in the guard-room, and even as the soldiers gaped at me so was I filled with wonder at the mad apparel of their officer to whom I must answer and give account. I knew not if it were he or she: for he wore his hair and beard French fashion, with long tails hanging down on each side like horse-tails, and his beard was so miserably handled and mutilated that between mouth and nose there were but a few hairs, and those had come off so ill that one could scarce see them. And not less did his wide breeches leave me in no small doubt of his sex, being such that they were as like a woman's petticoats as a man's breeches. So I thought, if this be a man he should have a proper beard, since the rogue is not so young as he pretends: but if a woman, why hath the old witch so much stubble round her mouth? Sure 'tis a woman, thought I, for no honest man would ever let his beard be so lamentably bedevilled, seeing that even goats for pure shamefacedness venture not a step among a strange flock when their beards are clipped. So as I stood in doubt, knowing not of modern fashions, at last I held he was man and woman at once. And this mannish woman or this womanish man had me thoroughly searched, but could find nothing on me but a little book of birch-bark wherein I had written down my daily prayers, and had also left the letter which my pious hermit, as I have said in the last chapter, had bequeathed me for his farewell: that he took from me: but I, being loath to part from it, fell down before him and clasped both his knees and, "O my good Hermaphrodite," says I, "leave me my little prayer-book." "Thou fool," he answered, "who the devil told thee my name was Hermann?" And therewith commanded two soldiers to lead me to the Governor, giving them the book to take with them: for indeed this fop, as I at once did note, could neither read nor write himself.

So I was led into the town, and all ran together as if a sea-monster were on show; and according as each one regarded me so each made something different out of me. Some deemed me a spy, others a wild man, and some even a spirit, a spectre, or a monster, that should portend some strange happening. Some, too, there were that counted me a mere fool, and they had indeed come nearest to the mark had I not had the knowledge of God our Father.

Chap. xx.: IN WHAT WISE HE WAS SAVED FROM PRISON AND TORTURE

Now when I was brought before the Governor he asked me whence I came. I said I knew not. Then said he again "Whither wilt thou?" and again I answered, "I know not." "What the devil dost thou know, then?" says he, "What is thy business?" I answered as before, I knew not. He asked, "Where dost thou dwell?" and as I again answered I knew not, his countenance was changed, I know not whether from anger or astonishment. But inasmuch as every man is wont to suspect evil, and specially the enemy being in the neighbourhood, having just, as above narrated, captured Gelnhausen and therein put to shame a whole regiment of dragoons, he agreed with them that held me for a traitor or a spy, and ordered that I should be searched. But when he learned from the soldiers of the watch that this was already done, and nothing more found on me than the book there present which they delivered to him, he read a line or two therein and asked who had given me the book. I answered it was mine from the beginning: for I had made it and written it. Then he asked, "Why upon birch-bark?" I answered, because the bark of other trees was not fitted therefore. "Thou rascal," says he, "I ask why thou didst not write on paper." "Oh!" I answered him, "we had none in the wood." The governor asked, "Where, in what wood?" And again I paid him in my old coin and said I did not know. Then the governor turned to some of his officers that waited on him and said, "Either this is an arch-rogue, or else a fool: and a fool he cannot be, that can write so well." And as he spake, he turned over the leaves to shew them my fine handwriting, and that so sharply that the hermit's letter fell out: and this he had picked up, while I turned pale, for that I held for my chiefest treasure and holy relic. That the Governor noted and conceived yet greater suspicion of treason, specially when he had opened and read the letter, "for," says he, "I surely know this hand and know that it is written by an officer well known to me: yet can I not remember by whom." Also the contents seemed to him strange and not to be understood: for he said, "This is without doubt a concerted language, which none other can understand save him to whom it is imparted." Then asking me my name, when I said Simplicissimus, "Yes, yes," says he, "thou art one of the right kidney. Away, away: put him at once in irons, hand and foot."

So the two before-mentioned soldiers marched off with me to my bespoken lodging, namely, the lock-up, and handed me over to the gaoler, which, in accordance with his orders, adorned me with iron bands and chains on hands and feet, as if I had not had enough to carry with those that I had already bound round my body. Nor was this way of welcoming me enough for the world, but there must come hangmen and their satellites, with horrible instruments of torture, which made my wretched plight truly grievous, though I could comfort myself with my innocence. "O! God!" says I to myself, "how am I rightly served! To this end did Simplicissimus run from the service of God into the world, that such a misbirth of Christianity should receive the just reward which he hath deserved for his wantonness! O, thou unhappy Simplicissimus, whither hath thine ingratitude led thee! Lo, God hath hardly brought thee to the knowledge of Him and into His service when thou, contrariwise, must run off from His employ and turn thy back on Him. Couldest thou not go on eating of acorns and beans as before, and so serving thy Creator? Didst thou not know that thy faithful hermit and teacher had fled from the world and chosen the wilderness? O stupid stock, thou didst leave it in the hope to satisfy thy loose desire to see the world. And behold, while thou thinkest to feed thine eyes, thou must in this maze of dangers perish and be destroyed. Couldst thou not, unwise creature, understand before this, that thy ever-blessed teacher would never have left the world for that hard life which he led in the desert, if he had hoped to find in the world true peace, and real rest, and eternal salvation? O poor Simplicissimus, go thy way and receive the reward of the idle thoughts thou hast cherished and thy presumptuous folly. Thou hast no wrong to complain of, neither any innocence to comfort thee with, for thou hast hastened to meet thine own torment and the death to follow thereafter." So I bewailed myself, and besought God for forgiveness and commended my soul to Him. In the meanwhile we drew near to the prison, and when my need was greatest then was God's help nearest: for as I was surrounded by the hangman's mates, and stood there before the gaol with a great multitude of folk to wait till it was opened and I could be thrust in, lo, my good pastor, whose village had so lately been plundered and burned, must also see what was toward (himself being also under arrest). So as he looked out of window and saw me, he cried loudly, "O Simplicissimus, is it thou?"

When this I heard and saw, I could not help myself, but must lift up both hands to him and cry, "O father, father, father." So he asked what had I done. I answered, I knew not: they had brought me there of a certainty because I had deserted from the forest. But when he learned from the bystanders that they took me for a spy, he begged they would make a stay with me till he had explained my case to the Lord Governor, for that would be of use for my deliverance and for his, and so would hinder the Governor from dealing wrongfully with both of us, since he knew me better than could any man.

Chap. xxi.: HOW TREACHEROUS DAME FORTUNE CAST ON SIMPLICISSIMUS A FRIENDLY GLANCE

So 'twas allowed him to go to the Governor, and a half-hour thereafter I was fetched out likewise and put in the servitors' room, where were already two tailors, a shoemaker with shoes, a haberdasher with stockings and hats, and another with all manner of apparel, so that I might forthwith be clothed. Then took they off my coat, chains and all, and the hair-shirt, by which the tailors could take their measure aright: next appeared a barber with his lather and his sweet-smelling soaps, but even as he would exercise his art upon me came another order which did grievously terrify me: for it ran, I should put on my old clothes again. Yet 'twas not so ill meant as I feared: for there came presently a painter with all his colours, namely vermilion and cinnabar for my eyelids, indigo and ultramarine for my coral lips, gamboge and ochre and yellow lead for my white teeth, which I was licking for sheer hunger, and lamp-black and burnt umber for my golden hair, white lead for my terrible eyes and every kind of paint for my weather-coloured coat: also had he a whole handful of brushes. This fellow began to gaze upon me, to take a sketch, to lay in a background and to hang his head on one side, the better to compare his work exactly with my figure: now he changed the eyes, now the hair, presently the nostrils; and, in a word, all he had not at first done aright, till at length he had executed a model true to nature; for a model Simplicissimus was. And not till then might the barber whisk his razor over me: who twitched my head this way and that and spent full an hour and a half over my hair: and thereafter trimmed it in the fashion of that day: for I had hair enough and to spare. After that he brought me to a bathroom and cleansed my thin, starved body from more than three or four years' dirt. And scarce was he ended when they brought me a white shirt, shoes and stockings, together with a ruff or collar, and hat and feather. Likewise the breeches were finely made and trimmed with gold lace; so all that was wanted was the cloak, and upon that the tailors were at work with all haste. Then came the cook with a strong broth and the maid with a cup of drink: and there sat my lord Simplicissimus like a young count, in the best of tempers. And I ate heartily though I knew not what they would do with me: for as yet I had never heard of the "condemned man's supper," and therefore the partaking of this glorious first meal was to me so pleasant and sweet that I cannot sufficiently express, declare, and boast of it to mankind; yea, hardly do I believe I ever tasted greater pleasure in my life than then. So when the cloak was ready I put it on, and in this new apparel shewed such an awkward figure that it might seem one had dressed up a hedge-stake: for the tailors had been ordered of intent to make the clothes too big for me, in the hope I should presently put more flesh on, which, considering the excellence of my feeding, seemed like to happen. But my forest dress, together with the chains and all appurtenances, were conveyed away to the museum, there to be added to other rare objects and antiquities, and my portrait, of life size, was set hard by.

So after his supper, his lordship myself was put to bed in such a bed as I had never seen or heard of in my dad's house or while I dwelt with my hermit: yet did my belly so growl and grumble the whole night through that I could not sleep, perchance for no other reason than that it knew not yet what was good or because it wondered at the delightful new foods which had been given to it: but for me, I lay there quiet until the sweet sun shone bright again (for 'twas cold) and reflected what strange adventures I had passed through in a few days, and how God my Father had so truly helped me and brought me into so goodly an heritage.

Chap. xxiii.: WHO THE HERMIT WAS BY WHOM SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHERISHED

The same morning the Governor's chamberlain commanded me, I should go to the before-mentioned pastor, and there learn what his lordship had said to him in my affair. Likewise he sent an orderly to bring me to him. Then the pastor took me into his library, and there he sat down and bade me also sit down, and says he, "My good Simplicissimus, that same hermit with whom thou didst dwell in the wood was not only the Lord Governor's brother-in-law, but also his staunch supporter in war and his chiefest friend. As it pleased the Governor to tell me, the same from his youth up had never failed either in the bravery of an heroical soldier nor in that godliness and piety which became the holiest of men: which two virtues it is not usual to find united. Yet his spiritual mind, coupled with adverse circumstances, so checked the course of his earthly happiness that he rejected his nobility and resigned certain fine estates in Scotland where he was born, and despised such because all worldly affairs now seemed to him vain, foolish, and contemptible. In a word, he hoped to exchange his earthly eminence for a better glory to come, for his noble spirit had a disgust at all temporal display, and all his thoughts and desires were set on that poor miserable life wherein thou didst find him in the forest and wherein thou didst bear him company till his death." "And in my opinion," said the pastor, "he had been seduced thereto by his reading of many popish books concerning the lives of the ancient eremites. Yet will I not conceal from thee how he came into the Spessart, and, in accord with his wish, into such a miserable hermit's life, that thou mayest hereafter be able to tell others thereof: for the second night after that bloody battle of Höchst was lost, he came alone and unattended to my parsonage-house, even as I, my wife, and children were fallen asleep, and that towards morning, for because of the noise all over the country which both pursuers and pursued are wont to make in such cases, we had been awake all the night before and half of this present one. At first he knocked gently, and then sharply enough, till he wakened me and my sleep-drunken folk: and when I at his request, and after short exchange of words, which was on both sides full cautious, had opened the door, I saw the cavalier dismount from his mettlesome steed. His costly clothing was as thickly sprinkled with the blood of his enemies as it was decked with gold and silver; and inasmuch as he still held his drawn sword in his hand, fear and terror came upon me. Yet when he sheathed his sword and shewed nothing but courtesy I must wonder that so noble a gentleman should so humbly beg a poor village pastor for shelter. And by reason of his handsome person and his noble carriage I addressed myself to him as to the Count of Mansfield himself: but said he, he could for this once be not only compared to the Count of Mansfield in respect of ill fortune but even preferred before him. Three things did he lament: first, the loss of his lady, and her near her delivery, and then the loss of his battle; and last of all, that he had not had the luck to die therein, as did other honest soldiers, for the Evangelical cause. Then would I comfort him, but saw that his noble heart needed no comfort: so I set before him what the house afforded and bade them make for him a soldier's bed of clean straw, for in no other would he lie though much he needed rest. The next morning, the first thing he did was to give me his horse and his money (of which he had with him no mean sum in gold), and did share divers costly rings among my wife, children, and servants. This could I not understand in him, seeing that soldiers be wont far rather to take than to give: and therefore I had doubts whether to receive so great presents, and gave as a pretext that I had not deserved so much from him nor could again repay him: besides, said I, if folk saw such riches, and specially the splendid horse, which could not be hid, in my possession, many would conclude I had robbed or murdered him. But he said I should live without care on that score, for he would protect me from such danger with his own handwriting, yea, and he would desire to carry away out of my parsonage not even his shirt, let alone his clothes: and therewith he opened his design to become a hermit. I fought against that with might and main, for methought such a plan smacked of Popery, reminding him that he could serve the Gospel more with his sword, but in vain: for he argued so long and stoutly with me that at last I gave in and provided him with those books, pictures, and furniture which thou didst find in his hut. Yet would he take nothing in return for all that he had presented to me save only the coverlet of wool, under which he had slept on the straw that night: and out of that he had a coat made. And my wagon chains (those which he always wore) must I exchange with him for a golden one whereon he wore his lady's portrait, so that he kept for himself neither money nor money's worth. Then my servant led him to the wildest part of the wood, and there helped him to build his hut. And in what manner he there spent his life, and with what help at times I did assist him, thou knowest as well as I, yea, in part better.

"Now when lately the Battle of Nördlingen was lost and I, as thou knowest, was clean stripped of all and also evilly handled, I fled hither for safety; besides, I had here my chief possessions. And when my ready money was about to fail me, I took three rings and the before-mentioned chain, together with the portrait that I had from the hermit, among which was his signet-ring, and took them to a Jew, to turn them into money. But he, on account of their value and fine workmanship, took them to the Governor to sell, who forthwith knew the arms and portrait, and sent for me and asked where I had gotten such treasures. So I told him the truth and shewed him the hermit's handwriting or deed of gift, and narrated to him all his story; also how he had lived and died in the wood. Such a tale he could not believe, but put me under arrest, till he could better learn the truth; and while he was at work sending out a party to take a survey of the dwelling and to fetch thee hither, here I beheld thee brought to the tower. Now seeing that the Governor hath no longer cause to doubt of my story, and seeing that I can call to witness the place where the hermit dwelt, and likewise thee and other living deponents, and most of all my sexton, which so often admitted thee and him to the church before day, and specially since the letter which he found in thy book of prayer doth afford an excellent testimony not only of the truth, but of the late hermit's holiness: therefore he will shew favour to me and thee for the sake of his dear departed brother-in-law. And now hast thou only to decide what thou wouldest he should do for thee. An thou wilt study, he pays the cost: desirest thou to learn a trade, he will have thee taught one: but if thou wilt stay with him he will hold thee as his own child: for he said if even a dog came to him from his departed brother-in-law he would cherish it." So I answered, 'twas all one to me what the Lord Governor would do with me.

Chap. xxiii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A PAGE: AND LIKEWISE, HOW THE HERMIT'S WIFE WAS LOST

Now did the pastor keep me at his lodging till ten of the clock before he would go with me to the Governor, to tell him of my resolve: for so could he be his guest at dinner: for the Governor kept open house: 'tis true Hanau was then blockaded, and with the common folk times were so hard (especially with them that had fled for refuge to the fortress) that some who seemed to themselves to be somewhat, were not ashamed to pick up the frozen turnip-peelings in the streets, which the rich had cast away. And my pastor was so lucky that he got to sit by the Governor at the head of the table, while I waited on them with a plate in my hand as the chamberlain taught me, to which business I was as well fitted as an ass to play chess. Yet my pastor made good with his tongue what the awkwardness of my person failed in. For he said I had been reared in the wilderness, and had never dwelt among men, and therefore must be excused, because I could not yet know how to carry myself: yet the faithfulness I had shewn to the hermit and the hard life I had endured with him were wonderful, and that alone deserved that folk should not only have patience with my awkwardness but should even put me before the finest young nobleman. Furthermore, he related how the hermit had found all his joy in me because, as he often said, I was so like in face to his dear lady, and that he had often marvelled at my steadfastness and unchangeable will to remain with him, as also at many other virtues which he praised in me. Lastly, he could not enough declare with what earnest fervency the hermit had, just before his death, commended me to him (the pastor) and had confessed he loved me as his own child. This tickled my ears so much that methought I had already received satisfaction enough for all I had endured with the hermit.

Then the Governor asked, did not his late brother-in-law know he was commandant of Hanau. "Yea, truly," answered the pastor, "for I told him myself: but he listened as coldly (yet with a joyful face and a gentle smile) as he had never known any Ramsay, so that even now when I think thereupon, I must wonder at this man's resolution and firm purpose, that he could bring his heart to this: not only to renounce the world but even to put out of his mind his best friend, when he had him close at hand."

Then were the Governor's eyes full of tears, who yet had no soft woman's heart but was a brave and heroical soldier; and says he, "Had I known he was yet alive and where he was to be found, I would have had him fetched even against his will, that I might repay his kindnesses: but since Fortune hath denied me that, I will in his place cherish his Simplicissimus." And "Ah!" says he again, "the good cavalier had cause enough to lament his wife, great with child as she was; for in the pursuit she was captured by a party of Imperialist troopers, and that too in the Spessart. Which when I heard, and knew not but that my brother-in-law was slain at Höchst, at once I sent a trumpeter to the enemy to ask for my sister and ransom her: yet got no more thereby than to learn the said party of troopers had been scattered in the Spessart by a few peasants, and that in that fight my sister had again been lost to them, so that to this hour I know not what became of her." This and the like made up the table-talk of the Governor and the pastor regarding my hermit and his lady-wife: which pair were the more pitied because they had enjoyed each other's love but a year. But as to me, I became the Governor's page, and so fine a fellow that the people, specially the peasants when I must announce them to my master, called me the young lord already: though indeed one seldom sees a youngster that hath been a lord, but oftentimes lords that have been youngsters.

Chap. xxiv.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BLAMED THE WORLD AND SAW MANY IDOLS THEREIN

Now at that time I had no precious possession save only a clear conscience and a right pious mind, and that clad and surrounded with the purest innocence and simplicity. Of vice I knew no more than that I had at times heard it spoken of or read of it, and if I saw any man commit such sin then was it to me a fearful and a terrible thing, I being so brought up and reared as to have the presence of God ever before my eyes and most earnestly to live according to His holy will: and inasmuch as I knew all this, I could not but compare men's ways and works with that same will: and methought I saw naught but vileness. Lord God! How did I wonder at the first when I considered the law and the Gospel and the faithful warnings of Christ, and saw, on the contrary part, the deeds of them that gave themselves out to be His disciples and followers! In place of the straightforward dealing which every true Christian should have, I found mere hypocrisy; and besides, such numberless follies among all dwellers in the world that I must needs doubt whether I saw before me Christians or not. For though I could see well that many had a serious knowledge of God's will: yet could I mark but little serious purpose to fulfil the same. So had I a thousand puzzles and strange thoughts in my mind, and fell into grievous difficulty upon that saying of Christ, which saith, "Judge not, that ye be not judged." Nevertheless there came into my mind the words of St. Paul in the fifth chapter of Galatians, where he saith: "The works of the flesh are manifest, which are these: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness," and so on: "of the which I tell you before as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God." Then I thought: every man doeth all these things openly: wherefore then should I not in this matter conclude from the apostle's word that there shall be few that are saved?

Moreover, pride and greed with their worthy accompaniments, gorging and swilling and loose living, were a daily occupation for them of substance: yet what did seem to me most terrible of all was this shameful thing, that some, and specially soldiers, in whose case vice is not wont to be severely punished, should make of both these things, their own godlessness and God's holy will, a mere jest. For example, I heard once an adulterer which after his deed of shame accomplished would treat thereof, and spake these godless words: "It serves the cowardly cuckold aright," says he, "to get a pair of horns from me: and if I confess the truth, I did the thing more to vex the husband than to please the wife, and so to be revenged on them."

"O pitiful revenge!" says one honest heart that stood by, "by which a man staineth his own conscience and gaineth the shameful name of adulterer and fornicator!"

"What! fornicator!" answered he, with a scornful laughter, "I am no fornicator because I have given this marriage a twist: a fornicator is he that the sixth commandment^[5] speaks of, where it forbids that any man get into another's garden and nick the fruit before the owner." How to prove that this was so to be understood, he forthwith explained according to his devil's catechism the seventh commandment, wherein it is said, "Thou shalt not steal." And of such words he used many, so that I sighed within myself and thought, "O God-blaspheming sinner, thou callest thyself a marriage-twister: and so then God must be a marriage-breaker, seeing that He doth separate man and wife by death." And out of mine overflowing zeal and anger I said to him, officer though he was, "Thinkest thou not, thou sinnest more with these godless words than by thine act of adultery." So he answered me, "Thou rascal, must I give thee a buffet or two?" Yea, and I believe I had received a handsome couple of such if the fellow had not stood in fear of my lord. So I held my peace, and thereafter I marked it was no rare case for single folk to cast eyes upon wedded folk and wedded folk upon such as were unwedded.

Now while I was yet studying, under my good hermit's care, the way to eternal life, I much wondered why God had so straitly forbidden idolatry to his people: for I imagined, if any one had ever known the true and eternal God, he would never again honour and pray to any other, and so in my stupid mind I resolved that this commandment was unnecessary and vain. But ah! Fool as I was, I knew not what I thought I knew: for no sooner was I come into the great world, than I marked how (in spite of this commandment) wellnigh every man had his special idol: yet some had more than the old and new heathen themselves. Some had their god in their money-bags, upon which they put all their trust and confidence: many a one had his idol at court, and trusted wholly and entirely on him: which idol was but a minion and often even such a pitiable lickspittle as his worshipper himself; for his airy godhead depended only on the April weather of a prince's smile: others found their idol in popularity, and fancied, if they could but attain to that they would themselves be demi-gods. Yet others had their gods in their head, namely, those to whom the true God had granted a sound brain, so that they were able to learn certain arts and sciences: for these forgot the great Giver and looked only to the gift, in the hope that gift would procure them all prosperity. Yea, and there were many whose god was but their own belly, to which they daily offered sacrifice, as once the heathen did to Bacchus and Ceres, and when that god shewed himself unkind or when human failings shewed themselves in him, these miserable folk then made a god of their physician, and sought for their life's prolongation in the apothecary's shop, wherefrom they were more often sped on their way to death. And many fools made goddesses for themselves out of flattering harlots: these they called by all manner of outlandish names, worshipped them day and night with many thousand sighs, and made songs upon them which contained naught but praise of them, together with a humble prayer they would have mercy upon their folly and become as great fools as were their suitors.

Contrariwise were there women which had made their own beauty their idol. For this, they thought, will give me my livelihood, let God in heaven say what He will. And this idol was every day, in place of other offerings, adorned and sustained with paint, ointments, waters, powders, and the like daubs.

There too I saw some which held houses luckily situated as their gods: for they said, so long as they had lived therein had they ever had health and wealth: and many said these had tumbled in through their windows. At this folly I did more especially wonder because I would well perceive the reason why the inhabitants so prospered. I knew one man who for some years could never sleep by reason of his trade in tobacco; for to this he had given up his heart, mind and soul, which should be dedicate to God alone: and to this idol he sent up night and day a thousand sighs, for 'twas by that he made his way in life. Yet what did happen? The fool died and vanished like his own tobacco-smoke. Then thought I, O thou miserable man! Had but thy soul's happiness and the honour of the true God been so dear to thee as thine idol, which stands upon thy shop-sign in the shape of a Brazilian, with a roll of tobacco under his arm and a pipe in his mouth, then am I sure and certain that thou hadst won a noble crown of honour to wear in the next world.

Another ass had yet more pitiful idols: for when in a great company it was being told by each how he had been fed and sustained during the great famine and scarcity of food, this fellow said in plain German: the snails and frogs had been his gods: for want of them he must have died of hunger. So I asked him what then had God Himself been to him, who had provided such insects for his sustenance. The poor creature could answer nothing, and I wondered the more because I had never read that either the old idolatrous Egyptians or the new American savages ever called such vermin their gods, as did this prater.

I once went with a person of quality into his museum, wherein were fine curiosities: but among all none pleased me better than an "Ecce Homo" by reason of its moving portraiture, by which it stirred the spectator at once to sympathy. By it there hung a paper picture painted in China, whereon were Chinese idols sitting in their majesty, and some in shape like devils. So the master of the house asked me which piece in this gallery pleased me most. And when I pointed to the said "Ecce Homo" he said I was wrong: for the Chinese picture was rarer and therefore of more value: he would not lose it for a dozen such "Ecce Homos." So said I, "Sir, is your heart like to your speech?" "Surely," said he. "Why then," said I, "your heart's god is that one whose picture you do confess with your mouth to be of most value." "Fool," says he, "'tis the rarity I esteem." Whereto I replied, "Yet what can be rarer and more worthy of wonder than that God's Son Himself suffered in the way which this picture doth declare?"

Chap. xxv.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND THE WORLD ALL STRANGE AND THE WORLD FOUND HIM STRANGE LIKEWISE

Even as much as these and yet a greater number of idols were worshipped, so much on the contrary was the majesty of the true God despised: for as I never saw any desirous to keep His word and command, so I saw contrariwise many that resisted him in all things and excelled even the publicans in wickedness: which publicans were in the days when Christ walked upon earth open sinners. And so saith Christ: "Love your enemies; bless them that curse you. If ye do good only to your brethren, what do ye that the publicans do not?" But I found not only no one that would follow this command of Christ, but every man did the clean opposite. "The more a man hath kindred the more a man is hindered" was the word: and nowhere did I find more envy, hatred, malice, quarrel, and dispute than between brothers, sisters, and other born friends, specially if an inheritance fell to them. Moreover, the handicraftsmen of every place hated one another, so that I could plainly see, and must conclude, that in comparison the open sinners, publicans and tax-gatherers, which by reason of their evil deeds were hated by many, were far better than we Christians nowadays in exercise of brotherly love: seeing that Christ bears testimony to them that at least they did love one another. Then thought I, if we have no reward because we love our enemies, how great must our punishment be if we hate our friends! And where there should be the greatest love and good faith, there I found the worst treachery and the strongest hatred. For many a lord would fleece his true servants and subjects, and some retainers would play the rogue against the best of lords. So too between married folk I marked continual strife: many a tyrant treated his wedded wife worse than his dog, and many a loose baggage held her good husband but for a fool and an ass. So too, many currish lords and masters cheated their industrious servants of their due pay and pinched them both in food and drink: and contrariwise I saw many faithless servitors which by theft or neglect brought their kind masters to ruin. Tradesfolk and craftsmen did vie with each other in Jewish roguery: exacted usury: sucked the sweat of the poor peasant's brow by all manner of chicanery and over-reaching. On the other hand, there were peasants so godless that if they were not thoroughly well and cruelly fleeced, they would sneer at other folks or even their lords themselves for their simplicity.

Once did I see a soldier give another a sore buffet; and I conceived he that was smitten would turn the other cheek (for as yet I had been in no quarrel), but there was I wrong, for the insulted one drew on him, and dealt the offender a crack of the crown. So I cried at the top of my voice, "Ah! friend, what dost thou?" "A coward must he be," says he, "that would not avenge himself: devil take me but I will, or I care not to live. What! he must be a knave that would let himself be so fobbed off." And between these two antagonists the quarrel waxed greater, for their backers on both sides, together with the bystanders, and any man moreover that came by chance to the spot, were presently by the ears: and there I heard men swear by God and their own souls, so lightly, that I could not believe they held those souls for their dearest treasure. But all this was but child's play: for they stayed not at such children's curses but presently 'twas so: "Thunder, lightning, hail: strike me, tear me, devil take me," and the like, and not one thunder or lightning but a hundred thousand, "and snatch me away into the air." Yea, and the blessed sacraments for them must have been not seven but a hundred thousand, and there with so many "bloodies," "dammes," and "cursemes" that my poor hair stood on end thereat. Then thought I of Christ's command wherein He saith, "Swear not, let your speech be yea yea; and nay nay; for whatsoever is more is evil."

Now all this that I saw and heard I pondered in my heart: and at the last I firmly concluded, these bullies were no Christians at all, and therefore I sought for other company. And worst of all it did terrify me when I heard some such swaggerers boast of their wickedness, sin, shame, and vice. For again and again I heard them so do, yea, day by day; and thus they would say: "'S blood, man, but we were foxed yesterday: three times in the day was I blind drunk and three times did vomit all." "My stars," says another, "how did we torment the rascal peasants!" And "Hundred thousand devils!" says a third, "what sport did we have with the women and maids!" And so on. "I cut him down as if lightning had struck him." "I shot him--shot him so that he shewed the whites of his eyes!" Or again: "I rode him down so cleverly, the devil only could fetch him off," "I put such a stone in his way that he must needs break his neck thereover."

Such and such-like heathen talk filled my ears every day: and more than that, I did hear and see sins done in God's name, which are much to be grieved for. Such wickedness was specially practised by the soldiers, when they would say, "Now in God's name let us forth on a foray," viz., to plunder, kidnap, shoot down, cut down, assault, capture and burn, and all the rest of their horrible works and practices. Just as the usurers ever invoke God with their hypocritical "In God's name": and therewithal let their devilish avarice loose to flay and to strip honest folk. Once did I see two rogues hanged, that would break into a house by night to steal, and even as they had placed their ladder one would mount it saying, "In God's name, there comes the householder": "and in the devil's name" says he also, and therewithal threw him down: where he broke a leg and so was captured, and a few days after strung up together with his comrade. But I, if I saw the like, must speak out, and out would I come with some passage of Holy Writ, or in other ways would warn the sinner: and all men therefore held me for a fool. Yea, I was so often laughed out of countenance in return for my good intent that at length I took a disgust at it, and preferred altogether to keep silence, which yet for Christian love I could not keep. I would that all men had been reared with my hermit, believing that then many would look on the world's ways with Simplicissimus' eyes as I then beheld them. I had not the wit to see that if there were only Simplicissimuses in the world then there were not so many vices to behold: meanwhile 'tis certain that a man of the world, as being accustomed to all vices and himself partaker thereof, cannot in the least understand on what a thorny path he and his likes do walk.

Chap. xxvi.: A NEW AND STRANGE WAY FOR MEN TO WISH ONE ANOTHER LUCK AND TO WELCOME ONE ANOTHER

Having now, as I deemed, reason to doubt whether I were among Christians or not, I went to the pastor and told him all that I had heard and seen, and what my thoughts were: namely, that I held these people for mockers of Christ and His word, and no Christians at all, with the request he would in any case help me out of my dream, that I might know what I should count my fellow men to be. The pastor answered: "Of a surety they be Christians, nor would I counsel thee to call them otherwise." "O God," said I, "how can that be? for if I point out to one or the other his sin that he committeth against God, then am I but mocked and laughed at." "Marvel not at that," answered the pastor; "I believe if our first pious Christians, which lived in the time of Christ--yea, if the Apostles themselves should now rise from the grave and come into the world, that they would put the like question, and in the end, like thee, would be accounted of many to be fools: yet that thou hast thus far seen and heard is but an ordinary thing and mere child's play compared with that which elsewhere, secretly and openly, with violence against God and man, doth happen and is perpetrated in the world. Let not that vex thee! Thou wilt find few Christians such as was the late Master Samuel."^[6]

Now even as we spake together, some of the opposite party which had been taken prisoner were led across the market-place, and this broke up our discourse, for we too must go to look on the captives. Here then I was ware of a folly whereof I could never have dreamed, and that was a new fashion of greeting and welcoming one another: for one of our garrison, who also had beforetime served the emperor, knew one of the prisoners: so he goes up to him, gives him his hand, and pressed his for sheer joy and heartiness, and says he: "Devil take thee! art still alive, brother? 'S blood, 'tis surely the devil that brings us together here! Strike me blind, but I believed thou wert long since hanged." Then answered the other: "Curse me, but is it thee or not? Devil take thee, how camest thou here? I never thought in all my born days I should meet thee again, but thought the devil had fetched thee long ago." And when they parted, one says to the other (in place of "God be wi' you"). "Gallows' luck! Gallows' luck! to-morrow will we meet again, and be nobly drunk together."

"Is not this a fine pious welcome?" said I to the pastor; "be not these noble Christian wishes? Have not these men a godly intent for the coming day? Who could know them for Christians or hearken to them without amazement? If they so talk with one another for Christian love, how will it fare if they do quarrel? Sir Pastor, if these be Christ's flock, and thou their appointed shepherd, I counsel thee to lead them in better pastures." "Yea," answered the pastor, "dear child, 'tis ever so with these godless soldiers. God help us! If I said a word, I might as well preach to the deaf; and should gain naught from it but the perilous hatred of these godless fellows."

At that I wondered, but talked yet awhile with the pastor, and went then to wait upon the Governor; for at times had I leave to view the town and to visit the pastor, for my lord had wind of my simplicity, and thought such would cease if I went about seeing this and hearing that and being taught by others or, as folks say, being broken to harness.

Chap. xxvii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS DISCOURSED WITH THE SECRETARY, AND HOW HE FOUND A FALSE FRIEND

Now my lord's favour towards me increased daily, and the longer the greater, because I looked more and more like, not only to his sister whom the hermit had had to wife, but also to that good man himself, as good food and idleness made me sleeker. And this favour I enjoyed in many quarters: for whosoever had business with the governor shewed me favour also, and especially my lord's secretary was well affected to me; and as he must teach me my figures, he often found pastime in my simpleness and ignorance: he was but now fresh from the University, and therefore was cram-full of the jokes of the schools, which at times gave him the appearance of being a button short or a button too many: often would he convince me black was white or white black; so it came about that at first I believed him in everything and at last in nothing. Once on a time I blamed him for his dirty inkhorn: so he answered 'twas the best piece of furniture in his office, for out of it he could conjure whatever he desired; his fine ducats of gold, his fine raiment, and, in a word, whatsoever he possessed, all that had he fished out of his inkhorn. Then would I not believe that out of so small and inconsiderable a thing such noble possessions were to be had: so he answered all this came from the Spiritus Papyri (for so did he name his inks), and the ink-horn was for this reason named an ink-holder, because it held matters of importance. Then I asked, how could a man bring them out since one could scarce put a couple of fingers in. To that he answered, he had an arm in his head fit to do such business, yea, and hoped presently to fish out a rich and handsome wife, and if he had luck he trusted also to bring out land of his own and servants of his own, as in earlier times would surely have happened. At these tricks of craft I wondered, and asked if other folk knew such arts.

"Surely," says he, "all chancellors, doctors, secretaries, proctors or advocates, commissaries, notaries, traders and merchants, and numberless others besides, which commonly, if they do but fish diligently in it, become rich lords thereby." Then said I, "In this wise the peasants and other hard-working folk have no wit, in that they eat their bread in the sweat of their brow, and do not also learn this art." So he answered, "Some know not the worth of an art, and therefore have no desire to learn it: some would fain learn it, but lack that arm in their head, or some other necessary thing; some learn the wit and have the arm, but know not the knack which the art requireth if a man will be rich thereby: and others know all and can do all that appertains thereto, yet they dwell on the unlucky side and have no opportunity, like me, to exercise this art properly."

Now as we reasoned in this fashion of the ink-holder (which of a truth reminded me of Fortunatus his purse) it happened that the book of dignities came into my hand and therein, as it seemed to me then, I found more follies than had ever yet come before mine eyes. "And these," said I to the secretary, "be all Adam's children and of one stuff, and that dust and ashes? Whence cometh, then, so great a difference;--his Holiness, his Excellency, his Serenity! Be these not properties of God alone? Here is one called 'Gracious' and another 'Worshipful.' And why must this word 'born' noble or 'well born' be ever added? We know well that no men fall from heaven and none rise out of the water and none grow out of the earth like cabbages." The secretary must needs laugh at me, and took the trouble to explain to me this and that title and all the words separately. Yet did I insist that the titles did not do men right: for sure 'twas more credit to a man to be called merciful than worshipful: so, too, if the word "noble" signify in itself all incalculable virtues, why should it when placed in the midst of the word "high-born," which applieth only to princes, impair the dignity of the title. And as to the word "well-born," why 'twas a flat untruth: and that could any baron's mother testify; for if one should ask her if he was well born she could say whether 'twas "well" with her when she brought him into the world.

And so we talked long: yet could he not convince me. But this favour of the secretary towards me lasted not long, for by reason of my boorish and filthy habits I presently, after his foregoing discourse, behaved myself so foully (yet without evil intent) in his presence that he must bid me betake myself to the pigs as to my best comrades. Yet his disgust would have been the easier to bear had I not fallen into yet greater disgrace; for it fared so with me as with every honest man that cometh to court where the wicked and envious do make common cause against him.

For my lord had besides me a double-dyed rascal for a page, which had already served him for two years: to him I gave my heart, for he was of like age with myself. "And this is Jonathan," I thought, "and thou art David."

But he was jealous of me by reason of the great favour that my lord shewed me, and that greater day by day: so he was concerned lest I should step into his shoes; and therefore in secret looked upon me with malicious and envious eyes, and sought occasion how he might put a stumbling-block for me and by my fall prevent his own. Yet were mine eyes as doves' eyes^[7] and my intent far different from his: nay, I confided to him all my secrets, which yet consisted in naught else than in childish simplicity and piety. But he, innocent as I was, persuaded me to all manner of folly, which yet I accepted for truth and honesty, followed his counsels, and through the same (as shall not fail to be duly treated of in its proper place) fell into grievous misfortunes.

Chap. xxviii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS GOT TWO EYES OUT OF ONE CALF'S-HEAD

The next day after my discourse with the secretary my master had appointed a princely entertainment for his officers and other good friends; for he had received the good news that his men had taken the strong castle of Braunfels without loss of a single man: and there must I, as at that time 'twas my duty, like any other table-server, help to bring up dishes, pour out wine, and wait at table with a plate in my hand. The first day there was a big fat calf's-head (of which folk are wont to say no poor man may eat) handed to me to carry up. And because this calf's-head was soft-boiled, therefore he must needs have his whole eye with the appurtenance thereof hanging out; which was to me a charming and a tempting sight, and the fresh perfume of the bacon-broth and ginger sprinkled thereon alluring me, I felt such appetite that my mouth did water at it. In a word, the eye smiled at once on mine eyes, my nostrils, and my mouth, and besought me that I would incorporate it into my hungry belly. Nor did I need long forcing, but followed my desires; for as I went, with a spoon that I had first received on that same day I did scoop the eye so masterly out, and sent it so swiftly and without let or hindrance to its proper place, that none perceived it till the dish came to table and there betrayed itself and me. For when they would carve it up, and one of its daintiest members was wanting, my lord at once perceived what made the carver start: and he was not a man to endure such mockery as that any should dare to say to him he had served up a calf's-head with one eye. So the cook must appear at table, and they that should have brought the dishes up were with him examined: and last of all it came out that 'twas to poor Simplicissimus the calf's-head had last been entrusted, and that with two eyes: how it had fared thereafter no man could say. Then my lord, as it seemed to me with a terrible countenance, asked what I had done with the calf's eye. So I whipt my spoon out of my pouch again and gave the calf's-head the second turn, and shewed briefly and well what they asked of me, for I swallowed the second eye like the first, in a wink.

"Pardieu," quoth my lord, "this trick savoureth better than ten calves." And thereupon all the gentlemen present praised that saying and spoke of my deed, which I had done for pure simplicity, as a wondrous device and a presage of future boldness and fearless and swift resolution: so that for this time, by the repeating of the very trick for which I had deserved punishment I not only escaped that punishment, but from a few merry jesters, flatterers, and boon companions gained the praise of acting wisely, inasmuch as I had lodged both eyes together, that so they might in the next world, as in this, afford help and company to each other, to which end they were at first appointed by nature. Yet my lord warned me to play him no more such tricks.