Act 2 — SCENE IV.—A Room in JUSTICE CREDULOUS’ House.

Enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS and MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Odds life, Bridget, you are enough to make one mad! I tell you he would have deceived a chief justice; the dog seemed as ignorant as my clerk, and talked of honesty as if he had been a churchwarden.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Pho! nonsense, honesty!—what had you to do, pray, with honesty? A fine business you have made of it with your Humphrey Hum: and miss, too, she must have been privy to it. Lauretta! ay, you would have her called so; but for my part I never knew any good come of giving girls these heathen Christian names: if you had called her Deborrah, or Tabitha, or Ruth, or Rebecca, or Joan, nothing of this had ever happened; but I always knew Lauretta was a runaway name.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Psha, you’re a fool!

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. No, Mr. Credulous, it is you who are a fool, and no one but such a simpleton would be so imposed on.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Why zounds, madam, how durst you talk so? If you have no respect for your husband, I should think unus quorum might command a little deference.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Don’t tell me!—Unus fiddlestick! you ought to be ashamed to show your face at the sessions: you’ll be a laughing-stock to the whole bench, and a byword with all the pig-tailed lawyers and bag-wigged attorneys about town.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Is this language for his majestu’s representative? By the statutes, it’s high treason and petty treason, both at once!

Enter SERVANT.

SERVANT. A letter for your worship.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Who brought it?

SERVANT. A soldier.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Take it away and burn it.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Stay!—Now you’re in such a hurry—it is some canting scrawl from the lieutenant, I suppose.—[Takes the letter.— Exit SERVANT.] Let me see:—ay, ’tis signed O’Connor.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Well, come read it out.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. [Reads.] Revenge is sweet.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. It begins so, does it? I’m glad of that; I’ll let the dog know I’m of his opinion.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. [Reads.] And though disappointed of my designs upon your daughter, I have still the satisfaction of knowing I am revenged on her unnatural father; for this morning, in your chocolate, I had the pleasure to administer to you a dose of poison!—Mercy on us!

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. No tricks, Bridget; come, you know it is not so; you know it is a lie.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Read it yourself.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. [Reads.] Pleasure to administer a dose of poison!—Oh, horrible! Cut-throat villain!—Bridget!

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Lovee, stay, here’s a postscript.—[Reads.] N.B. ’Tis not in the power of medicine to save you.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Odds my life, Bridget! why don’t you call for help? I’ve lost my voice.—My brain is giddy—I shall burst, and no assistance.— John!—Laury!—John!

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. You see, lovee, what you have brought on yourself.

Re-enter SERVANT.

SERVANT. Your worship!

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Stay, John; did you perceive anything in my chocolate cup this morning?

SERVANT. Nothing, your worship, unless it was a little grounds.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. What colour were they?

SERVANT. Blackish, your worship.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Ay, arsenic, black arsenic!—Why don’t you run for Dr. Rosy, you rascal?

SERVANT. Now, sir?

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Oh, lovee, you may be sure it is in vain; let him run for the lawyer to witness your will, my life.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Zounds! go for the doctor, you scoundrel. You are all confederate murderers.

SERVANT. Oh, here he is, your worship. [Exit.]

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Now, Bridget, hold your tongue, and let me see if my horrid situation be apparent.

Enter DOCTOR ROSY.

DR. ROSY. I have but just called to inform—hey! bless me, what’s the matter with your worship?

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. There, he sees it already!—Poison in my face, in capitals! Yes, yes, I’m a sure job for the undertakers indeed!

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Oh! oh! alas, doctor!

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Peace, Bridget!—Why, doctor, my dear old friend, do you really see any change in me?

DR. ROSY. Change! never was man so altered: how came these black spots on your nose?

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Spots on my nose!

DR. ROSY. And that wild stare in your right eye!

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. In my right eye?

DR. ROSY. Ay, and, alack, alack, how you are swelled!

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Swelled!

DR. ROSY. Ay, don’t you think he is, madam?

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Oh! ’tis in vain to conceal it!—Indeed, lovee, you are as big again as you were this morning.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Yes, I feel it now—I’m poisoned!—Doctor, help me, for the love of justice! Give me life to see my murderer hanged.

DR. ROSY. What?

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I’m poisoned, I say!

DR. ROSY. Speak out!

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. What! can’t you hear me?

DR. ROSY. Your voice is so low and hollow, as it were, I can’t hear a word you say.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I’m gone then!—Hic jacet, many years one of his majestu’s justices!

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Read, doctor!—Ah, lovee, the will!—Consider, my life, how soon you will be dead.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. No, Bridget, I shall die by inches.

DR. ROSY. I never heard such monstrous iniquity.—Oh, you are gone indeed, my friend! the mortgage of your little bit of clay is out, and the sexton has nothing to do but to close. We must all go, sooner or later—high and low—Death’s a debt; his mandamus binds all alike—no bail, no demurrer.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Silence, Dr. Croaker! will you cure me or will you not?

DR. ROSY. Alas! my dear friend, it is not in my power; but I’ll certainly see justice done on your murderer.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I thank you, my dear friend, but I had rather see it myself.

DR. ROSY. Ay, but if you recover, the villain will escape.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Will he? then indeed it would be a pity you should recover. I am so enraged against the villain, I can’t bear the thought of his escaping the halter.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. That’s very kind in you, my dear; but if it’s the same thing to you, my dear, I had as soon recover, notwithstanding.—What, doctor, no assistance!

DR. ROSY. Efacks, I can do nothing, but there’s the German quack, whom you wanted to send from town; I met him at the next door, and I know he has antidotes for all poisons.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Fetch him, my dear friend, fetch him! I’ll get him a diploma if he cures me.

DR. ROSY. Well, there’s no time to be lost; you continue to swell immensely. [Exit.]

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. What, my dear, will you submit to be cured by a quack nostrum-monger? For my part, as much as I love you, I had rather follow you to your grave than see you owe your life to any but a regular-bred physician.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I’m sensible of your affection, dearest; and be assured nothing consoles me in my melancholy situation so much as the thoughts of leaving you behind.

Re-enter DOCTOR ROSY, with LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR disguised.

DR. ROSY. Great luck; met him passing by the door.

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Metto dowsei pulsum.

DR. ROSY. He desires me to feel your pulse.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Can’t he speak English?

DR. ROSY. Not a word.

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Palio vivem mortem soonem.

DR. ROSY. He says you have not six hours to live.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. O mercy! does he know my distemper?

DR. ROSY. I believe not.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Tell him ’tis black arsenic they have given me.

DR. ROSY. Geneable illi arsnecca.

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Pisonatus.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. What does he say?

DR. ROSY. He says you are poisoned.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. We know that; but what will be the effect?

DR. ROSY. Quid effectum?

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Diable tutellum.

DR. ROSY. He says you’ll die presently.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Oh, horrible! What, no antidote?

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Curum benakere bono fullum.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. What, does he say I must row in a boat to Fulham?

DR. ROSY. He says he’ll undertake to cure you for three thousand pounds.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Three thousand pounds! three thousand halters!—No, lovee, you shall never submit to such impositions; die at once, and be a customer to none of them.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I won’t die, Bridget—I don’t like death.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Psha! there is nothing in it: a moment, and it is over.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Ay, but it leaves a numbness behind that lasts a plaguy long time.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. O my dear, pray consider the will.

Enter LAURETTA.

LAURETTA. O my father, what is this I hear?

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Quiddam seomriam deos tollam rosam.

DR. ROSY. The doctor is astonished at the sight of your fair daughter.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. How so?

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Damsellum livivum suvum rislibani.

DR. ROSY. He says that he has lost his heart to her, and that if you will give him leave to pay his addresses to the young lady, and promise your consent to the union, if he should gain her affections, he will, on those conditions, cure you instantly, without fee or reward.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. The devil! did he say all that in so few words? What a fine language it is! Well, I agree, if he can prevail on the girl.— [Aside.] And that I am sure he never will.

DR. ROSY. Greal.

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Writhum bothum.

DR. ROSY. He says you must give this under your hand, while he writes you a miraculous receipt. [Both sit down to write.]

LAURETTA. Do, mamma, tell me the meaning of this.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Don’t speak to me, girl.—Unnatural parent!

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. There, doctor; there’s what he requires.

DR. ROSY. And here’s your receipt: read it yourself.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Hey! what’s here? plain English!

DR. ROSY. Read it out; a wondrous nostrum, I’ll answer for it.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. [Reads.] In reading this you are cured, by your affectionate son-in-law, O’CONNOR.—Who in the name of Beelzebub, sirrah, who are you?

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Your affectionate son-in-law, O’Connor, and your very humble servant, Humphrey Hum.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. ’Tis false, you dog! you are not my son-in-law; for I’ll be poisoned again, and you shall be hanged.—I’ll die, sirrah, and leave Bridget my estate.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Ay, pray do, my dear, leave me your estate; I’m sure he deserves to be hanged.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. He does, you say!—Hark’ee, Bridget, you showed such a tender concern for me when you thought me poisoned, that, for the future, I am resolved never to take your advice again in anything.— [To LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR] So, do you hear, sir, you are an Irishman and a soldier, ain’t you?

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. I am sir, and proud of both.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. The two things on earth I most hate; so I tell you what— renounce your country and sell your commission, and I’ll forgive you.

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Hark’ee, Mr. Justice—if you were not the father of my Lauretta, I would pull your nose for asking the first, and break your bones for desiring the second.

DR. ROSY. Ay, ay, you’re right.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Is he? then I’m sure I must be wrong.—Here, sir, I give my daughter to you, who are the most impudent dog I ever saw in my life.

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Oh, sir, say what you please; with such a gift as Lauretta, every word is a compliment.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Well, my lovee, I think this will be a good subject for us to quarrel about the rest of our lives.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Why, truly, my dear,—I think so, though we are seldom at a loss for that.

DR. ROSY. This is all as it should be.—My Alexander, I give you joy, and you, my little god-daughter; and now my sincere wish is, that you may make just such a wife as my poor dear Dolly. [Exeunt omnes.]