Act 1 — SCENE II.—A Room in JUSTICE CREDULOUS’ House.

Enter LAURETTA and MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.

LAURETTA. I repeat it again, mamma, officers are the prettiest men in the world, and Lieutenant O’Connor is the prettiest officer I ever saw.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. For shame, Laura! how can you talk so?—or if you must have a military man, there’s Lieutenant Plow, or Captain Haycock, or Major Dray, the brewer, are all your admirers; and though they are peaceable, good kind of men, they have as large cockades, and become scarlet, as well as the fighting folks.

LAURETTA. Psha! you know, mamma, I hate militia officers; a set of dunghill cocks with spurs on—heroes scratched off a church door— clowns in military masquerade, wearing the dress without supporting the character. No, give me the bold upright youth, who makes love to- day, and his head shot off to-morrow. Dear! to think how the sweet fellows sleep on the ground, and fight in silk stockings and lace ruffles.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Oh, barbarous! to want a husband that may wed you to- day, and be sent the Lord knows where before night; then in a twelvemonth perhaps to have him come like a Colossus, with one leg at New York, and the other at Chelsea Hospital.

LAURETTA. Then I’ll be his crutch, mamma.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. No, give me a husband that knows where his limbs are, though he want the use of them:—and if he should take you with him, to sleep in a baggage-cart, and stroll about the camp like a gipsy, with a knapsack and two children at your back; then, by way of entertainment in the evening, to make a party with the serjeant’s wife to drink bohea tea, and play at all-fours on a drum-head:—’tis a precious life, to be sure!

LAURETTA. Nay, mamma, you shouldn’t be against my lieutenant, for I heard him say you were the best natured and best looking woman in the world.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Why, child, I never said but that Lieutenant O’Connor was a very well-bred and discerning young man; ’tis your papa is so violent against him.

LAURETTA. Why, Cousin Sophy married an officer.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Ay, Laura, an officer of the militia.

LAURETTA. No, indeed, ma’am, a marching regiment.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. No, child, I tell you he was a major of militia.

LAURETTA. Indeed, mamma, it wasn’t.

Enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Bridget, my love, I have had a message.

LAURETTA. It was cousin Sophy told me so.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I have had a message, love—

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. No, child, she would say no such thing.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. A message, I say.

LAURETTA. How could he be in the militia when he was ordered abroad?

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Ay, girl, hold your tongue!—Well, my dear.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I have had a message from Doctor Rosy.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. He ordered abroad! He went abroad for his health.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Why, Bridget!—

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Well, deary.—Now hold your tongue, miss.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. A message from Dr. Rosy, and Dr. Rosy says—

LAURETTA. I’m sure, mamma, his regimentals—

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Damn his regimentals!—Why don’t you listen?

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Ay, girl, how durst you interrupt your papa?

LAURETTA. Well, papa.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Dr. Rosy says he’ll bring—

LAURETTA. Were blue turned up with red, mamma.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Laury!—says he will bring the young man—

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Red! yellow, if you please, miss.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Bridget!—the young man that is to be hired—

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Besides, miss, it is very unbecoming in you to want to have the last word with your mamma; you should know—

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Why, zounds! will you hear me or no?

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. I am listening, my love, I am listening!—But what signifies my silence, what good is my not speaking a word, if this girl will interrupt and let nobody speak but herself?—Ay, I don’t wonder, my life, at your impatience; your poor dear lips quiver to speak; but I suppose she’ll run on, and not let you put in a word.— You may very well be angry; there is nothing, sure, so provoking as a chattering, talking—

LAURETTA. Nay, I’m sure, mamma, it is you will not let papa speak now.

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Why, you little provoking minx——

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Get out of the room directly, both of you—get out!

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Ay, go, girl.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Go, Bridget, you are worse than she, you old hag. I wish you were both up to the neck in the canal, to argue there till I took you out.

Enter SERVANT.

SERVANT. Doctor Rosy, sir

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Show him up. [Exit SERVANT.]

LAURETTA. Then you own, mamma, it was a marching regiment?

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. You’re an obstinate fool, I tell you; for if that had been the case——

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. You won’t go?

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. We are going, Mr. Surly.—If that had been the case, I say, how could——

LAURETTA. Nay, mamma, one proof——

MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. How could Major——

LAURETTA. And a full proof——

[JUSTICE CREDULOUS drives them off.]

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. There they go, ding dong in for the day. Good lack! a fluent tongue is the only thing a mother don’t like her daughter to resemble her in.

Enter DOCTOR ROSY.

Well, doctor, where’s the lad—where’s Trusty?

DR. ROSY. At hand; he’ll be here in a minute, I’ll answer for’t. He’s such a one as you an’t met with,—brave as a lion, gentle as a saline draught.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Ah, he comes in the place of a rogue, a dog that was corrupted by the lieutenant. But this is a sturdy fellow, is he, doctor?

DR. ROSY. As Hercules; and the best back-sword in the country. Egad, he’ll make the red coats keep their distance.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. O the villains; this is St. Patrick’s day, and the rascals have been parading my house all the morning. I know they have a design upon me; but I have taken all precautions: I have magazines of arms, and if this fellow does but prove faithful, I shall be more at ease.

DR. ROSY. Doubtless he’ll be a comfort to you.

Re-enter SERVANT.

SERVANT. There is a man below, inquires for Doctor Rosy.

DR. ROSY. Show him up.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Hold! a little caution—how does he look?

SERVANT. A country-looking fellow, your worship.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Oh, well, well, for Doctor Rosy; these rascals try all ways to get in here.

SERVANT. Yes, please your worship; there was one here this morning wanted to speak to you; he said his name was Corporal Breakbones.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Corporal Breakbones!

SERVANT. And Drummer Crackskull came again.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Ay, did you ever hear of such a damned confounded crew? Well, show the lad in here! [Exit SERVANT.]

DR. ROSY. Ay, he’ll be your porter; he’ll give the rogues an answer.

Enter LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR, disguised.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. So, a tall—Efacks! what! has lost an eye?

DR. ROSY. Only a bruise he got in taking seven or eight highwaymen.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. He has a damned wicked leer somehow with the other.

DR. ROSY. Oh, no, he’s bashful—a sheepish look——

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Well, my lad, what’s your name?

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Humphrey Hum.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Hum—I don’t like Hum!

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. But I be mostly called honest Humphrey——

DR. ROSY. There, I told you so, of noted honesty.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Well, honest Humphrey, the doctor has told you my terms, and you are willing to serve, hey?

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. And please your worship I shall be well content.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Well, then, hark’ye, honest Humphrey,—you are sure now, you will never be a rogue—never take a bribe hey, honest Humphrey?

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. A bribe! what’s that?

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. A very ignorant fellow indeed!

DR. ROSY. His worship hopes you will not part with your honesty for money.

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Noa, noa.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Well said, Humphrey—my chief business with you is to watch the motions of a rake-helly fellow here, one Lieutenant O’Connor.

DR. ROSY. Ay, you don’t value the soldiers, do you, Humphrey?

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Not I; they are but zwaggerers, and you’ll see theu’ll be as much afraid of me as they would of their captain.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. And i’faith, Humphrey, you have a pretty cudgel there!

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Ay, the zwitch is better than nothing, but I should be glad of a stouter: ha’ you got such a thing in the house as an old coach-pole, or a spare bed-post?

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Oons, what a dragon it is!—Well, Humphrey, come with me.—I’ll just show him to Bridget, doctor, and we’ll agree.—Come along, honest Humphrey. [Exit.]

LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. My dear doctor, now remember to bring the justice presently to the walk: I have a scheme to get into his confidence at once.

DR. ROSY. I will, I will. [They shake hands.]

Re-enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Why, honest Humphrey, hey! what the devil are you at?

DR. ROSY. I was just giving him a little advice.—Well I must go for the present.—Good-morning to your worship—you need not fear the lieutenant while he is in your house.

JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Well, get in, Humphrey. Good-morning to you, doctor.— [Exit DOCTOR ROSY.] Come along, Humphrey.—Now I think I am a match for the lieutenant and all his gang. [Exeunt.]