Volume 156 — A CONFESSION.
Reading edition
TO THE RESIDENTS OF CHISWICK MALL.
There is a race of gentle folk Who dwell in Chiswick, well content In houses agéd as the oak, But not unpleasing at the rent; They look across the sunny stream As Dr. JOHNSON used to look, And all their lives are one long dream, Though none of them has got a cook, And there are whispers in the camp, "It's jolly, but it is so damp." But they are not exciting. No; And you would find that Chiswick Mall At half-past nine at night or so Is far from being Bacchanal; For, though there come from Chiswick Eyot Soft sounds of something going on Where the wild herons congregate And revel madly with the swan, You might suppose the people dead. You mustn't; they have gone to bed. No extra forces of police Were needed here at Armistice; No little European Peace Could tamper with a peace like this. Yet on the Eve of this New Year A strange degrading thing occurred; A startled Chiswick woke to hear Such noise as she has never heard, The sound of dance and singing at About eleven. O my hat! Yes, it was bad. But what is worse They know not yet who broke the code, And the dread Chiswick Fathers' curse Still hovers sadly, unbestowed Nay, there are wild false tales about And hideous accusations made; Men say old Piper led the rout With that young fellow from "The Glade," While old maids murmur with a tear, "I'm told it was the Rector, dear." And since I would not see this shame Be fastened on to guiltless men, And hear that there are those who blame The Editor at Number 10, As having found the evil ones And harboured them in his abode And, after stimulants and buns, Dragooned them, shouting, down the road And carried on till two or three— I say, O spare him; it was ME! A.P.H.
"Lord Robert Cecil, who has been appointed to take charge of League of Notions questions at the peace conference."—Provincial Paper.
We don't like this cynicism.
"There is a 'suave qui peut' at the underground stations during the busiest hours."—Provincial Paper.
Personally we had not noticed it, being more struck (in the tenderer portions of our anatomy) by the "fortiter in re."
Commercial Candour.
"The —— Mosquito Destroyer Coil. 1s. Perfectly Safe for mosquitoes."—Advt. in Burmese Paper.
"MORE LATE TRAINS. IMPROVED SERVICE ON G.E.R."—Times.
An aggrieved East Anglian writes to know how the trains can be made later than they are.
"WELCOME TO PRESIDENT WILSON, HONOURED CHIEF OF THE GREAT AMERICAN DEMOCRACY,
"To which we are attached by traditional lies."—Headline in Italian Paper.
Once more tradditore has turned traditore.
"At the doorway stood a Red Cross doctor, hypodermic needle in hand, ready to administer an injunction to relieve sufferers of their pain."—Daily Paper.
We thought it was only lawyers who believed in the tranquillizing effect of an injunction.
"FOR SALE.—A Chest C.B. Gelding. Aged 41/2 years. Height 14 feet 3 inches, Veterinary Certificate of soundness. Schooled since August. Very promising pony all round. Nice surefooted fencer. Price Rs. 650. Apply to Brigadier-General ——."—Indian Paper.
We gather that whatever he may have done in the past the gallant officer does not intend to "ride the high horse" any longer.
THE WORLD'S DESIRE.
PEACE (
outside the Allied Conference Chamber
). "I KNOW I SHALL HAVE TO WAIT FOR A WHILE; BUT I DO HOPE THEY WON'T TALK TOO MUCH."
Mabel (on seeing some shoes of war-time quality newly-arrived on approval). "MUMMIE, ARE THEY REAL CARDBOARD?"
