Volume 153 — THE LONG-FACED CHUMS.
Reading edition
When Alexander won the world he knew not bombs nor guns, His simple forms of frightfulness were quite unlike the Huns'; 'Twas not by barking mortars that the pushful CAESAR scored; He trusted close formations and the silent stabbing sword. When ROLAND'S rearguard turned at bay, and from the furious press The scuppered Paladin sent forth his famous S.O.S., Scared Roncesvalles rang loud with war, as misty legends tell, But echo's ear was spared the shriek and crash of bursting shell. So could you meet the shades of those whose prowess made Romance, You'd find them only puzzled by your tales of stunts in France; You'd have to cut the business out, and be content to chat Of rations, grub, and officers—such odds and ends as that, Unless you chanced to entertain some true rough-rider's ghost, Who galloped after HANNIBAL, or with the Parthian host, Some curled Assyrian prince who pranced, bareback, along a frieze— Or one of RUPERT'S beaux sabreurs—a horseman—whom you please. With chosen spirits such as those your talk need never end If you are worthy of your spurs and count a horse your friend. Just ask them "Did you clip trace-high?" or "Did you chaff your hay?" Or boast about the gee you ride, and they'll have lots to say. Cut out the talk of battle's din, of whizz-bangs and of crumps, Of bombs and gas and hand-grenades, of mines and blazing dumps; If you would wake their sympathy and warm their hearts indeed Describe a Squadron watering, and then the fuss at "Feed!" That lively bustle has a charm to wake a mummy's ear Who, ere the Pyramids were planned, was mustered charioteer; And many a horseman's spirit thrills by Lethe's drowsy brink When in a strange, familiar dream his Troop comes down to drink!
From "The Story of the Haldane Missions":—
"The Kaiser laughingly remarked that he had better have the high chair (in which the Kaiser usually sat at his council meetings). He also gave Lord Haldane an Imperial cigar.... While discussing the naval question, the Kaiser took a copy of the new Naval Bill out of his pocket and handed it to Lord Haldane, who transferred it to his pocket without looking at it."—Daily Chronicle.
He probably thought it was another of the Imperial cigars.
Grocer-fiend (who has treated three preceding customers to (a) "We ain't got no sugar;" (b) "We have none, Madam;" and (c) "No sugar in the shop'—to boy). "BE OFF. WE'VE GOT NO SUGAR!"
Boy. "I DIDN'T ASK FOR NO SUGAR. I WANT A PENNORTH O' SODA—AN' THAT'S TAKEN THE' BLOOMING SWANK OUT OF YOU, AIN'T IT?"
A STRAIGHT TALK WITH L. G.
(Everyone has views as to how to win the War, but not all are vocal, or—shall we say?—vociferous. If Mr. LLOYD GEORGE reads all the papers (as their Editors of course expect him to do) he cannot have missed quite a number of powerful articles in the following manner. And even if he should miss one or two it would not matter, because there is always another in preparation.)
I've always said that the PREMIER shouldn't be bothered with Parliament. Of course I've said too that our old friend Demos, the new god, should have a say in affairs; but that's an inconsistency that doesn't count in the least, does it?
Now then, Mr. PREMIER, you've got the chance of your lifetime. I always said you were a lucky devil—in fact, I never met the Welshman that wasn't.
You see, Parliament's in recess, and all its trivial overpaid Members are playing golf and things. You've got absolutely a free hand if only you'll take it. It's quite easy and bound to succeed. You've only got to do as I tell you.
For instance, you want to buck up HAIG and the people at the Front. It's no use them telling you they know best, being on the spot. That's only bluff, old man. Don't take any notice of them, but just order a big general offensive; and before you can say Jack Robinson we'll have the Huns behind the Rhine.
And do tell the Navy to get a move on. I'm glad to see my articles have made you change the heads at the Admiralty; and of course that's all very well so far as it goes. But it doesn't go far enough. Have a chat with BEATTY about it. Get him to root the Huns out. He can bombard Ostend and Zeebrugge and all those funny little places in two-twos. Tell KING ALBERT not to mind. We'll easily slap up new towns for him after the War, built on the speedy American principle.
Then about that aerial offensive. There's really been quite enough talk about it. We want some action, Mr. PREMIER. Isn't it time it came off? Think what a bombardment of Cologne (taking care of the cathedral, of course), Frankfurt, Berlin, Essen and Hamburg would do, not to mention other places that I could if I had an atlas.
And about those pacifists. Just clap the whole lot in gaol. That's the best place for them. I won't object in the least, even though I am the apostle of freedom.
Then there are lots and lots of other things you might do. You might deliver a reasoned manifesto to the Russian people and buck them up a bit. That won't do anybody any harm, and it'll be getting on with the War, my little Welshman.
Well, there are a few points for you to go on with. You've got the brains to think of more, otherwise I wouldn't have helped to put you where you are to-day. But remember that if you don't do these things Demos is waiting round the corner for you.
Demos is a good dog—a patient animal. But there's an end even to his patience. Growl, Demos, and show you're not afraid of Welshmen!
("Grrr——!" Good dog! Good dog!)
Now then, old boy, I've shown you the way. It's up to you!
Another powerful article on these lines will appear next week. [But not in Punch.-ED.]
Caller at the Office of The Inventions Board. "'DURING WAR PREPARE FOR PEACE'—THAT MUST BE OUR MOTTO! AND MY SPECIAL PATENT SHELL-CASE IS THE VERY THING. A SHELL-CASE TO-DAY—— ——AND A BLANC-MANGE MOULD TO-MORROW."