A REVISED CODE.
Reading edition
["The Ladies' Football Club have been defeated—we make haste to add by the weather. They are said to have shown of late a disinclination, with which it is easy to sympathise, to practice in the cold, to say nothing of the mud.... A wit has suggested that football matches should be settled "by arbitration."—Daily Graphic.]
Rules of the L. F. C.
Only the Association game shall be permitted, with the following modifications.
Matches shall under no circumstances be played between the months of September and May.
The sides shall consist of any number of young ladies (not "new"), good-looking, and well-dressed, to be captained by a good hostess.
These are not to run, walk, or scuffle about with, after, or away from, any ball whatever, nor to tumble about under any pretence, nor to perform any evolution which may be calculated to disarrange their toilet.
The play shall be conducted by the umpires, who are to be of the male sex.
There shall be eleven umpires on each side.
In all cases where possible, the match shall be settled without resorting to brute force, or needless waste of time and breath, by appealing immediately before "kick-off" to the arbitration of the referee.
The referee shall be the most intelligent and elderly foreign count whose services are obtainable, or, failing that, the least athletic cabinet minister or archbishop in the neighbourhood.
The goals shall consist of two large marquees, in which the respective captains, assisted by the other lady-members, shall preside over afternoon tea and ices.
In the event of the ball travelling anywhere near the goals, or in any way endangering the tea-things, the referee shall at once stop all further play.
It shall be permissible, and, indeed, recommended, that any, or all, the umpires shall leave the football alone at any stage of the game, and attend to the lady-players, and no umpire shall be ruled "off-side" for so doing.
No cry of "hands" or other invidious comment shall be raised when any umpire is caught asking any lady-player for her hand, or else what would be the blessed good of the club's existence?
As many "corners" as possible shall be allowed. These are to be in shady parts of the field or in the marquees, and are to be used solely for flirtation.
A "free kick" shall be given to any umpire who fools about after the ball, when he ought to be in the marquee.
If there be insufficient space, the game may be omitted entirely, and tea given in the nearest and best-laid-out private gardens, where there are shrubberies and summer-houses; or the match may be converted, in the event of doubtful weather, into a dance.
16. No match shall be declared "off" after the banns have been read.
THE INTERESTING INVALID.
Dr. Lobster (to Nurse Crab). "Can't make out what's the Matter with him! Expect he's shamming!"
ONE TOO MANY ALL ROUND
Sportsman (showing his horses to friend who has ridden over to see him). "Now that's the cleverest little beggar I ever had in my life—obliged to sell her though—got too many." (Insinuatingly.) "By the way, she would carry you!"
Friend. "By Jove! Why that's the mare Crasher sold to Bolter—had too many, I remember—odd, ain't it? Bolter must ha' had too many and sold her to you!"