Volume 103 — "CLOSED FOR ALTERATIONS AND REPAIRS."
Reading edition
(A Song of the Theatre Royal, St. Stephen's.)
AIR—"Killaloe."
Closed! The long wild whillaloo That oft smacked of "Killaloe," The contagious wrath of Buskin and of Sock Hath abated for awhile, And no more the Emerald Isle On the stage and in the green-room seems to shock. The curtain is rung down, The comedian and the clown, With the sombre putter-on of tragic airs, Are gone, with all the cast, And the Theatre, at last, Is "Closed for Alterations and Repairs." They may cheer for GLADSTONE hearty, For BALFOUR or MCCARTHY, This, that, or t'other party, As it pleases them to do. They may howl like Mænads crazy, For policies dark and hazy; New stars ere long The stage may throng, To play in pieces new. The managerial soul Though relieved, upon the whole, From the six years' run, and all its stir and strain; Feels anxiety, no doubt, As to "stars" which may go out, And others that may probably remain. He has run a popular play, Which the Treasury says will pay, Despite of gallery hisses, groundling blares; But there's care upon his face, 'Tis a most expensive place, And 'tis "Closed for Alterations and Repairs." They may cheer, &c. No doubt there has been fun, But the piece has had its run. And now from stage and playbill disappears. Now east, west, north, and south, The quidnuncs are giving mouth, Till the Manager would gladly close his ears. Two companies, neither loth, Seek his suffrages, and both Have a répertoire that half attracts, half scares. He's aware it will need nous To make choice. Meanwhile the House, Is "Closed for Alterations and Repairs." They may cheer, &c. Much money must be spent Ere the public is content. Says the Manager, "By Jingo, I'm perplext. Shall I keep on SALISBUREE, Or engage old W.G., And what's the piece that I shall put on next? Well, no more need be said, Till July has fully sped And August brings the Autumn Season's cares, Then we'll learn the cast and play— 'Tis sufficient for to-day That we've 'Closed for Alterations and Repairs.' "They may cheer the Old Man hearty, Brave BALFOUR, mild MCCARTHY, This, that, or t'other party, As it pleases 'em to do. Their noise half drives me crazy, The future's rather hazy, But interest strong, I trust, ere long, Will crowd my House anew!"
OH, SAUNDERSON, MY COLONEL!
AIR—"John Anderson, my Jo!"
Oh, SAUNDERSON, my Colonel, You're stout and eloquent, But boding; as the raven. Knock ninety-nine per cent. From your Cassandra prophecies, As bogeyish as eternal, And you'll be nearer to the truth, Brave SAUNDERSON, my Colonel! Oh, SAUNDERSON, my Colonel, Could you but pull together, Orange and Green, a truce were seen To bigotry and blether. 'Tis they that keep the Emerald Isle In pother so infernal. Drop hate and fear, try love and trust, Brave SAUNDERSON, my Colonel!
OBVIOUS.—The Daily News reports the mysterious disappearance from the Government Saw Mills at Portsmouth, of 2,570 feet of deal. "No one can say," it is added, "what became of the wood." Why, it walked off of course, with so many feet the temptation was irresistible.
"CLOSED FOR ALTERATIONS AND REPAIRS."
MR. PUNCH. "CHANGE OF ACTORS AND PROGRAMME, EH, MR. BULL?"
MR. JOHN BULL (Manager and Proprietor). "CAN'T TELL YET, MR. PUNCH,—DON'T OPEN TILL AUGUST!"
A FUTURE DIPLOMAT.
"MUMMIE, DEAR, YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME ENOUGH SUGAR FOR MY STRAWBERRIES!" (Mummie helps him to some more sugar.) "NOW, MUMMIE, YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME ENOUGH STRAWBERRIES FOR MY SUGAR!"
[Mummie helps him to more Strawberries!
ELECTION NOTES.
(By Mr. Punch's Special Commissioner.)
The excitement is getting terrific. In the principal streets party flags are waving gaily. In the suburbs every other house is hidden beneath vast posters, setting forth the merits of the rival parties. The Association of Jam-Dealers held a private meeting last night. I was, however, enabled to be present having disguised myself as Mr. BLACKFORD, one of the Vice-Presidents of the Association, who was taken ill at the last moment, and whose letter of excuse for non-attendance I managed to intercept. The proceedings opened with prayer, on the model of the recent Ulster Convention. After this, the discussion began. A series of questions had, it appears, been addressed to both Candidates. Here they are:—
(1) Will you oppose any attempt to increase the import of foreign jam-stuffs?
(2) Will you support a measure making it compulsory for the London Cooperative Stores to sell only Jam manufactured by the Bunkham Jam-Dealers' Association?
(3) Will you oppose any measure calculated to deprive the rising generation of one of the necessaries of life in the shape of Bunkham Jam? And will you therefore oppose, by all lawful Parliamentary means, the use of the domestic rod as a punishment for so-called Jam-stealing out of store-room cupboards?
(4) Which do you prefer, gooseberries, raspberries, or strawberries?
(5) Will you advocate a tax of twopence per pot on all jam not manufactured in the Bunkham district?
Both Candidates had sent written replies. But it was generally felt that on the answers to the fourth question, the vote of the meeting would depend. Bunkham is a district in which raspberries and gooseberries are almost exclusively grown. Now it is well-known that Mr. PLEDGER, the Liberal Candidate, has an almost passionate affection for strawberry-jam, and much interest was shown as to whether he would be true to his favourite food, or renounce it in order to capture votes. I am glad to say that the honourable gentleman refused to palter with his convictions. In a manly and straightforward answer, he declined to be a party to "a system of espionage which had invaded the breakfast table, and might go far to make even luncheon intolerable."
"From my youth up," he continued, "I have never wavered in the conviction, that of all known preserves, strawberry-jam is both the best, and the most sustaining. I should disgrace myself if I were now, at the eleventh hour, to declare a preference which I do not honestly feel for gooseberry or raspberry."
This, of course, settled the matter. Mr. TUFFAN declared emphatically against the obnoxious strawberry; and the result was that the Association, by an enormous majority, decided to support him. The Liberals were at first much discouraged, but they have now taken heart again. One of their Canvassers, it seems, has succeeded in making himself a persona grata to a lady who occupies the position of under-housemaid in the establishment of the TUFFANS. Through her he obtained an empty pot of strawberry-jam, lately consumed by the TUFFAN family. This has been fixed upon a long pole, with a placard underneath it, to the following effect:—
Taken from Tuffan's Table!
Vote for PLEDGER, and Honest Convictions!
And the device is now being carried all over the Town by the Junior Liberal Association.
The polling takes place to-morrow. Both sides are confident, but, on the whole, after reviewing all the circumstances of the case as impartially as possible, taking into account everything that tells for or against both parties, and not forgetting the effect produced by the public secession of Mr. HONEYDEW, the tobacconist, and Ex-President of the Liberal 500, I am disposed to believe in the victory of Mr. PLEDGER; that is to say, unless Mr. TUFFAN should manage to secure a sufficient number of votes to defeat his opponent.
Yours &c., THE MAN IN THE MOON.
MR. PUNCH'S ELECTION ADDRESS.
To the Electors of the United Kingdom! I, PUNCH, who shoot at follies, and have wing'd 'em For fifty years, and shall for fifty more, Greet ye! It were to force an open door To ask ye one and all, to give your votes To ME! There, there, my boys! don't strain your throats! My tympanum is tender. Punch rejoices To listen once more to "your most sweet voices," Only you need not howl and make them raucous. I'm not a Party Nominee, no Caucus Has wire-pulled Me! I'd like to see 'em do so! I am Man Friday to no party Crusoe, SALISBURY, GLADSTONE, BALFOUR, HARCOURT, GOSCHEN, Are all on my Committee. MORLEY's notion (Shared for the nonce by JOE the shrewd and able), Is, that it's safe to sit at my Round Table, Where they all hob-a-nob as friends, not foes! E'en the MACULLUM MORE cocks not his nose Too high in Punch's presence; he knows better! Supremacy unchallenged is a fetter E'en to patrician pride, provincial vanity; Scot modesty, and Birmingham urbanity, Bow at my shrine, because they can't resist. Thus I'm the only genuine Unionist, While all the same, my British Public you'll err, If you conceive I'm not a firm Home-Ruler. Perpend! There's sense and truth in my suggestions, And therefore, do not ask superfluous questions. You might as fitly paint Dame Venus freckled, As fancy Punch will stoop to being "heckled." I have no "Programmes," I. My wit's too wide To a wire-puller's "platform" to be tied. I know what's right, I mean to see it done, And for the rest good-tempered chaff and fun Are my pet "principles"—till fools grow rash From toleration, then they feel the lash. I am a sage, and not a prig or pump, Therefore I never canvas, spout or stump, I'm Liberal—as the sunlight—of all Good, Which to Conserve I strive—that's understood, But Tory nincompoop, or rowdy Rad, The thrall of bigotry, the fool of fad I hate alike. There's the straight tip, my bloaters! Now run and vote for Punch—all who are voters; And if some few have not that boon indeed, Well those who cannot run at least can read. There! that's enough, my lads! I'm off to lunch, You, go and do your duty; plump for PUNCH!!!
"SED REVOCARE GRADUM."
Beauty (with cool candour). "OH YES, INDEED, I FREQUENTLY MAKE BETS; BUT I AM SO UNLUCKY!"
Sporting Youth (trying to be sympathetic). "REALLY? BUT I SUPPOSE YOU NEVER HAVE MUCH ON—THAT IS—I MEAN—"
[Collapse.
OTHERWISE ENGAGED!
(A Sentimental Fragment from Henley.)
And so they sat in the boat and looked into one another's eyes, and found much to read in them. They ignored the presence of the houseboats, and scarcely remembered that there were such things as launches propelled by steam or electricity. And they turned deaf ears to the niggers, and did not want their fortunes told by dirty females of a gipsy type.
"This is very pleasant," said EDWIN.
"Isn't it?" replied ANGELINA; "and it's such a good place for seeing all the events."
"Admirable!" and they talked of other things; and the time sped on, and the dark shadows grew, and still they talked, and talked, and talked.
At length the lanterns on the river began to glow, and Henley put on its best appearance, and broke out violently into fireworks, it was then Mrs. GRUNDY spied them out. She had been on the look out for scandal all day long, but could find none. This seemed a pleasant and promising case.
"So you are here?" she exclaimed. "Why, we thought you must have gone long ago! And what do you say of the meeting?"
"A most perfect success," said he.
"And the company?"
"Could not be more charming," was her reply.
"And what did you think of the racing?" Then they looked at one another and smiled. They spoke together, and observed:—
"Oh, we did not think of the racing!"
And Mrs. GRUNDY was not altogether satisfied.
MEM. BY "ONE WHO MARRIED IN HASTE."—"The real 'Battle of Life' begins with a short engagement."