Volume 102 — TO BE, OR NOT TO BE—DISCOVERED!
Reading edition
SCENE—A Borough. TIME—Within measurable distance of the General Election. Enter BROWN and JONES.
Brown. Well JONES, I am glad to hear that you purpose standing for Parliament. You are a first-class man, and the House will be all the better for having your assistance.
Jones. You are mistaken, my dear BROWN. I did intend to stand for Parliament, but since the Archbishop has published his letter, I have determined to retire from the contest.
Brown. What nonsense! Why I, as you know, have been in the House for years and I assure you I have never met a more suitable man for the place. Why, my dear JONES, you are absolutely cut out for Parliament—absolutely cut out for it!
Jones (sadly). I wish I could think so. But alas, no, after the Archbishop's letter, I must, I will give it up.
Brown. Have you not made the question of the Criminal Code your own?
Jones. Yes, but I must admit (and I make the admission with shame) that years ago at school I was rightly accused of stealing apples.
Brown. And was the accusation believed—were you punished?
Jones (struggling with his emotion). Alas! it was, and I received (from the Bench) a severe reprimand. It brings the red blood into my cheeks—a severe reprimand!
Brown. Then you know all about the Libel Acts,—you are up in a slander?
Jones (bitterly). And should I not be? Do you not know that I was once fined ten shillings and costs for saying that a drunken cook was intoxicated!
Brown. Surely there was not much harm in that?
Jones. It was immoral to call the cook intoxicated, and the Archbishop says, "that persons previously condemned on grounds of immorality of all kinds are not proper legislators." Under the circumstances I have detailed, I should not be a proper legislator!
Brown. But look at me! Here am I living a free life, doing exactly what I please, and deserving the censure of the Bench five times a week! I will undertake to say that you are three times as good a fellow as I am; yet I am as certain of my seat as possible.
Jones (sadly). But there is a gulf between us—the gulf that divides not-entirely-conscious innocence and half-imaginary vice. You are safe, and I am not.
Brown. I don't see why! Why am I safe? Or rather let me mend the question—why do you think your chance of being elected so small?
Jones. Because, my dear BROWN, I have been found out!
[Scene closes in upon conventional virtue perfunctorily triumphant.
A BLIZZARD FROM THE NORTH.
["The plea of the existence of such custom, or habit, or practice of copying as is set up can no more be supported when challenged than the highwayman's plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath."—Justice North's Judgment in the Copyright Action "Walter v. Steinkopff."]
So "Stand and deliver!" will not quite do In the year eighteen hundred and ninety-two; And if you are caught on the Queen's highway, With a something for which you've omitted to pay, No use to try putting in—under your breath— The plea of the custom of Hounslow-Heath! Thanks to the Times and to Justice NORTH! The highway—of-News—may be clearer henceforth Of robber daring and footpad sly. To stop a coach, or to fake a cly, Boldly to lift or astutely sneak, Will expose a prig to the bobby's tweak, And he shall not shelter himself beneath The plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath. Autolycus now must buy his wares, And not with his neighbours go (gratis) shares. "Thou shalt not steal—not even brains," Says Justice NORTH, and his rule remains. Thanks to the Justice, thanks to the Times! Plain new definitions of ancient crimes Are needful now when robbers unsheath The old plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath!