Volume 102 — THE NEW MONITOR; OR, JOSEPH'S JOBATION.

["It is reasonable to assume that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN will at once perceive how his position has been altered by becoming the head of a party including many shades of opinion, instead of being, as he has been, the spokesman of a small set of politicians, earnest, no doubt, and active, but not quite in sympathy with all those who shared their fortunes."—The Times.

"The arrangements consequent on Lord HARTINGTON's succession to the Peerage have very much narrowed the freedom previously enjoyed by the Member for West Birmingham, and, in a corresponding degree, enlarged the sphere of his responsibilities.... The Statesman who has to act as guide and moderator at St. Stephen's will be careful, no doubt, not to compromise his authority by any indiscreet or extravagant insistance on remote and contentious issues."—The Standard.]

SCENE—St. Stephen's School. Present, Doctor T., Principal, Mrs. S., Matron, and Master JOE, Pupil, lately promoted to Monitorship in the Lower School.

Doctor T. Ahem! And so, JOSEPH, we have to congratulate you upon your—a—a—promotion!

Master Joe (coolly). You are very good, Sir, I'm sure. [Whistles.

Doctor T. Not at all, JOSEPH, not at all. That is to say—ahem!—you doubtless deserve it.

Mrs. S. Doubtless deserve it, JOSEPH! I always said you would turn out a better boy than, at one time I—that is to say, many—expected. It is a great consolation to me, JOSEPH, after all the care—

Master Joe (aside). And the numerous jobations!

Mrs. S. That I—that we have bestowed upon you, to find—ahem!—our best hopes so amply fulfilled.

Dr. T. Fulfilled, JOSEPH; whether amply or not it remains for you to prove.

Master Joe (carelessly). All right, Sir, I'll prove it fast enough.

Dr. T. I trust so, JOSEPH, I trust so, though "fast enough" is hardly the phrase I should have adopted, or—ahem!—recommended,—in the circumstances!

You know what our excellent HORACE bids you do in such a case.

Master Joe (aside). Bothersome old Blimber!

Mrs. S. Yes, JOSEPH, slanginess, carelessness and extravagance of speech will not befit your present position, you know.

Master Joe. (aside). Prosy old Pipchin!

Dr. T. You could not, JOSEPH, put before you a better model than the boy whose post you assume, in consequence of his going to the Upper School; young HARTY, I mean, a boy who was ever a pattern of propriety, and one absolutely to be depended upon to maintain the prestige of the school, and—ahem!—the authority of the Masters, in every contingency.

Mrs. S. In every contingency, JOSEPH. How unlike that talented, but untrustworthy, senior of his, and of yours, WILL GLADSTONE; a lad whose leadership you once acknowledged, but whose pernicious influence, I am happy to find, you have lately quite cast off.

Master Joe (knowingly). Rather! Where there's a WILL there's a way; and WILL thought it must always be his way. But "not for JOE!"

Dr. T. Again, JOSEPH, is not that—ahem!—quotation from the popular minstrelsy of our time a leetle reminiscent of ruder, and more Radical days?

Master Joe. Perhaps so, Sir, perhaps so. Let me then say that "Ego primam tollo, nominor quoniam Leo" is a very pretty maxim for lions—and jackals. The former rôle I may not yet have risen to, but I'm hanged if I'll stoop to the latter.

Dr. T. Quite so, quite so! At any rate, not in such a questionable Leonina Societas. Remember, also, JOSEPH, what an awful example you have in young GRANDOLPH, with whom, at one time, you seemed a little intimate. You have only to reflect upon his fiasco, "to have the counsels of prudence borne in imperatively upon your mind, and the lesson will not be the less impressively taught if it is remembered that GRANDOLPH will be on the spot to take note of and profit by any mistakes that may be committed by his more deserving and successful rival."

Master Joe (aside). Lessons all round, eh? Seems to me all this grandmotherly advice is wondrous like a "wigging" in disguise. Perhaps they'll find I'm better at teaching than learning.

Mrs. S. Cavendo tutus, JOSEPH, safe by caution. The motto of your predecessor. You cannot do better than take it as your own.

Master Joe (innocently). Think not, Ma'am? I fancy every man ought to have his own motto. Now I was thinking of Cede nullis!

THE NEW MONITOR.

DR. TIMES. "YOU'RE A CLEVER BOY, JOE, AND WE CONGRATULATE YOU; BUT NOW YOU'RE IN A POSITION OF RESPONSIBILITY,—AHEM!—YOU MUST—AHEM!—BEHAVE YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY!"

Doctor T. Tut—tut—tut, JOSEPH! Inappropriate,—in your present position. You will have to yield to many,—to those in authority over you, in fact. "Leaders! (and Monitors) have to subordinate their personal tastes, and even their individual convictions, to an enlarged conception of the general advantage."

Mrs. S. Yes, JOE, don't, whatever you do, compromise your authority by any indiscreet or extravagant insistance—

Master Joe (quickly, though with becoming gravity). Quite so, Ma'am! Very true, Sir! My "conceptions," I may say, have "enlarged" considerably of late, since I have found (as Mrs. S. well says) "how much of my antipathy" (to the powers that be) "was sheer prejudice." And, as to "the general advantage," I am sanguine that I shall find it consonant—if not identical—with my own.

Doctor T. (dubiously). Humph! Suppose you say yours with it, JOSEPH?

Master Joe (airily). As you please, Sir. Things which are equal to the same thing are equal to one another, you know.

Mrs. S. (aside). Smart boy, very! I fancy I should have more confidence in him if he were a little less so.

Doctor T. (gravely). You see, JOSEPH, there are some things in your earlier school career which your well-wishers would fain—forget. You were rather what is called, I think, "a young Radical" once, not to say "a bit of a pickle." You seemed not altogether out of sympathy with such revolutionary proceedings as "revolts" and "barring-outs," and even talked once, if I remember rightly, of putting the Principals "to ransom"—doctrines better worthy of a Calabrian brigand than of a public school-boy. But let bygones be bygones. Now that you are in a position of responsibility and—respectability, you will, of course, abandon all such revolutionary rubbish, and think not of yourself, but others; consider less the wild wishes of your inferiors than the wise commands of your betters.

Master Joe (solemnly). Oh, of course, Sir! And now, if you, Dr. Poloni—ahem!—Dr. T., and Mrs. Pip—I mean Mrs. S., have quite finished your wig—I should say wise counsellings, I think I'll—go out and play! [Does so.

DYNAMITICAL ARGUMENTS.—The Apostles of "the Gospel of Dynamite" would, if they could, speedily convert a whole town—into a ruin.

A STARTLING PROPOSITION.

Seedy Individual

(

suddenly and with startling vigour

)—"AOH? FLOY WITH ME ERCROSS THER SEA, ERCROSS THER DORK LERGOON!!"