Volume 100 / Act 1 — "THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!"

"Love me, love my Dog!" Well, I don't want to flog The fine but excitable fellow. With a nip on his tail e'en a Bull wouldn't fail To bounce round a bit, and to bellow. I'd do my square best with the greatest good will, If only he'd—just for a moment—stand still. Stand still, with a nip like crocodile's grip On one's caudal appendage? Ah, just so! I know 'tis a task that seems too much to ask. I'm reasonable,—or I trust so. But there is the Lobster, it's holding on fast. And—hang it! this state of affairs cannot last! How came it about? That's a matter of doubt, Which there isn't much use in discussing, To part them's my aim; I would manage that same Without either fighting or fussing. Newfoundland or not, there's no dog finds it nice To live very long with its tail in a vice! I want to get near if I can, but, oh dear! The Dog to my call won't attend. I Conceive, if he would, it might be for his good, I'd hit on some modus vivendi. But if Dog won't stand still, and if Lobster won't loose, My heartiest help cannot be of much use. One ANDROCLES bold eased a lion of old Of a thorn in his foot—a great worry! But ANDROCLES, sure, would have failed of a cure If poor Leo had kept on the scurry, As you, my dear Dog, do at present. Verb. sap.! Do just let me get at the Lobster, old chap! While it's fast to your tail, and you wriggle and wail, And romp all around, the best master, And kindest of heart, Dog and Lobster can't part. Don't think I deride your disaster! The pinch of it might make an elephant prance; No, all that I ask is—just give me a chance!