Volume 159 — TO ISIS.
Reading edition
Isis, beside thine ambient rill How oft I've snuffed the Berkshire breezes, Or, prone on some adjoining hill, Thrown off with my accustomed skill The weekly fytte of polished wheezes; How oft in summer's languorous days, With some fair creature at the pole, I Have thrid the Cherwell's murmurous ways And dared with lobster mayonnaise The onslaughts of Bacillus Coli? Once—it was done at duty's call— My labouring oar explored thy reaches; They said I was no good at all And coaches noting me would bawl Things about "angleworms and breeches;" But oh! the shouts of heartfelt glee That rang on thine astonished marges As we bore (rolling woundily) Full in the wake of Brasenose III. And bumped them soundly at the barges. That night on Oxenford there burst A sound of strong men at their revels, And stroke, in vinous lore unversed, Retired, if you must know the worst, On feet that swam at different levels, Nor knew till morning brought its cares That, while the cup was freely flowing, He'd scaled a flight of moving stairs And commandeered his tutor's chairs To keep the college bonfire going. Immortal youth it was that bound Us twain together, beauteous river; And, though these limbs just crawl around That once would scarcely touch the ground, And alcohol upsets my liver, Still, in a punt or lithe canoe I can revive my vernal heyday, Pretend the sky's ethereal blue, The golden kingcups' cheery hue, Spell my, as well as Nature's, Mayday. The evening glows, the swallow skims Between the water and the willows; The blackbirds pipe their evening hymns, A punt awaits at Mr. Tims' With generous tea and lots of pillows, And of all girls the first, the best To play at youth with this old fossil; Then Isis, as we glide to rest Upon thy shadow-dappled breast, We'll pledge thee in a generous wassail. Algol.
Mistress. "Did everything come from the Stores that I ordered?"
Maid. "Everythink, Mum, 'cept the 'addick, which is coming on by itself later."
ENGLAND UNBENDS.
Reports from Spa and Shore.
Scargate.—This famous Yorkshire Spa is now in a condition of hectic activity and offers a plethora of attractions. A recent analysis of the waters shows that the proportion of sapid ovaloid particles and sulphuretted trinitrotoluene is larger than ever. Lieutenant Platt-Stithers' stincopated anthropoid orchestra plays four times daily—in the early morning and at noon for the relief of the water-drinkers, and in the afternoon and evening in the rotating Jazz Hall. Special attractions this week include cinema lectures daily on the domestic life of the Solomon Islanders by Mr. Nicholas Ould; a recital on the Bolophone on Thursday by Mr. Tertius Quodling, and, at the Grand Opera House, Pope Joan and The Flip-Flappers. On Saturday the Stridcar Golf Club will hold a series of competitions in rational fancy dress for the benefit of the Phonetic Spelling Association.
Fallalmouth.—Visitors to this romantic resort are offered a wide field of entertainment and moral uplift. The steamer excursions embrace trips up the lovely river Fallal to Gongor, famous for the prehistoric remains of the shrine of Saint Opodeldoc, and to beauty spots in the harbour like Glumgallion, Trehenna and Pangofflin Creek. There are also excursions in armed motor-char-à-bancs to Boscagel, Cadgerack and Flapperack. To-day visitors can view the gardens at Poljerrick, where many super-tropical plants, including man-eating cacti, are growing in the most unbridled luxuriance. There is a fine sporting nine-hole golf-course on the shingle strand at Grogwalloe, where the test of niblick play is more severe than on any links save those of the Culbin Sands near Nairn. Among other attractive features are the brilliant displays of aurora borealis over the Bay, which have been arranged at considerable cost by the Corporation in conjunction with the Meteorological Society.
Borecambe.—The demand for bathing-machines and tents continues to increase, though the shopkeepers are complaining of a decreasing spending power on the part of the visitors and a disinclination to pay more than a shilling a head for shrimps. The practice of dispensing with head-gear is also much resented by local outfitters, but otherwise the situation is well in hand. On Monday last Mr. Silas Pargeter, an old resident, caught a fine conger-eel, weighing fifty-six pounds, which he has presented to the Museum. As Borecambe is a good jumping-off ground for the Lake District there are daily char-à-banc excursions to the land of Wordsworth and Ruskin, each passenger being supplied with a megaphone and a pea-shooter.
DOWN CHANNEL.
The chime of country steeples, The scent of gorse and musk, The drone of sleepy breakers Come mingled with the dusk; A ruddy moon is rising Like a ripe pomegranate husk. The coast-wise lights are wheeling White sword-blades in the sky, The misty hills grow dimmer, The last lights blink and die; Oh, land of home and beauty, Good-bye, my dear, good-bye! Patlander.
How to be Lonely though Married.
"Lonely Officer (married, with three children) wants Sealyham Terrier Dog."—Times.
Golfer. "Let's see—what's bogey for this hole?"
Caddie (fed up). "Dinna fash yersel' aboot bogey. Ye've played fufteen an' ye're no deid yet— (aside) worse luck."
MY DROMEDARY.
I see by The Times that dromedaries are on sale at sixty-five pounds apiece.
In these days, when commodities of all kinds are so expensive, one cannot afford to overlook bargains of whatever nature they may be. And it seems to me that a dromedary at sixty-five pounds is really rather cheap.
For after all sixty-five pounds to-day is little more than thirty pounds in pre-war times. Considering their trifling cost I am surprised that more people do not possess dromedaries. Most of my neighbours during the past two years have built garages, but not one, so far as I am aware, has built a dromedary-drome.
I think I shall buy one of these attractive pets if my pass-book encourages me. Cheaper than a motor-car and far more intelligent and responsive to human affection, a dromedary will add distinction to my establishment and afford pleasant occupation for my leisure. It brings no attendant annoyance from the Inland Revenue authorities; there are no tiresome registration fees or regulations as to the dimensions of a number-plate.
As long as I can remember I have lived in a state of uncertainty as to whether a dromedary has two humps and a camel one, or a camel two humps and a dromedary one. With one of these exotic quadrupeds tethered only a few yards away from the kitchen door that condition of doubt need not exist in the future for more than a few moments. In a good light it should be perfectly easy to count the humps or hump. Then again a dromedary will come for a walk on a fine evening without involving one in a dog-fight. It will provide quiet yet healthful exercise for the two children. If it turns out that the type possesses two humps it will be able to convey Edgar and Marigold at one and the same time, thus saving delay and inconvenience.
It will be a protection to the house. When we have gone to bed the faithful creature will lie on guard in the hall, and no amount of poisoned liver thrust through the letter-box will assuage its ferocity or weaken its determination to protect the hearth and home of its master against marauders. For the dromedary is not only a strict teetotaler and non-smoker, but a lifelong vegetarian. Famous for its browsing propensities, a dromedary about the garden will save untold labour and expense, keeping the lawn trimmed and the hedges clipped. And indoors its height will serve me admirably in enabling me, while seated on its hump or one of its humps, to attend in comfort to a little whitewashing job which will not brook further postponement.
I will look at my pass-book to-morrow.
FLOWERS' NAMES.
Colt's Foot. When the four Horses of the Sun Were little leggy things, When they could only jump and run And hadn't grown their wings, The Sun-God sent them out to play In a field one July day. Oh, the four Horses of the Sun They galloped and they rolled, They leapt into the air for fun And felt so brave and bold; And when they'd done their gallopings They'd grown four splendid pairs of wings. The Sun-God fetched them in again To draw his car of gold; But you can still see very plain Where each one leapt and rolled; For from each hoof-mark, every one, There sprang a little golden sun, And that same little golden flower People call Colt's Foot to this hour.
"The stove will stand by itself anywhere. It omits neither smoke nor smell."—Provincial Paper.
We know that stove.
Lady. "Can you show me something suitable for a birthday present for a gentleman?"
Shopwalker. "Men's furnishing department on the next floor, Madam."
Lady. "Well, I don't know. The gift is for my husband."
Shopwalker. "Oh, pardon, Madam. Bargain counter in the basement."