Volume 150 — THE SORROWFUL SNIPER.
Reading edition
I'm un'appy, so I am. Don't enjoy me beef nor jam, An' I'm grumpy an' as 'umpy as a camel. Bin an' stopped my leave? Oh no! That was fixed up long ago; But the trouble is, I've got it, an' I feel afeared to go, An' it's all alonger tin o' green enamel. Fancy spendin' New Year's Eve, when you oughter be on leave, In a dugout where the damp is slowly tricklin', All alonger tin o' green an' a sniper lank an' lean 'Oo was swearin' an' a-strafin' an' a-snipin' in between, Till the Sergeant told me off to stop 'is ticklin'. So I trimmed meself with straw, an' a grass an' hay coffyure, An' I clothed meself with faggots that a pal 'ad; Then the Sergeant got a brush an' some green an' sticky slush, An' 'e plastered me all over till I couldn't raise a blush, And I looked jest like a vegetable salad. Then I crept out in the night, an' I waited for the light, But the sniper saw me fust an' scored an inner. I could 'ear the twigs divide, but I signalled 'im a "wide," Then I squinted down me barrel, an' I let me finger glide, An' I pipped 'im where 'e uster put 'is dinner. Yus, I busted up the Bosch, but I found out, at the wash, That enamel was a fast an' lastin' colour, An' the soap I used to clean made me shine a brighter green; I'm a cabbage, I'm a lettuce, I'm a walkin' kidney bean, An' I ain't a-leavin' Flanders till it's duller.
Good News for Taxpayers.
"Income-tax can be paid in the case of individuals and firms who are liable to direct assessment in respect of trade, profession, or husbandry, in two halfpenny instalments—the first on January 1, and the second on July 1."—Glasgow Evening Times.
Lucky Scots, to get off with twa bawbees!
From an advertisement;—
"——'s Mustard Digests the Dish."
And so saves washing-up.
"Strive to acquire now ideas. Vary the hour of rising. If you take luncheon out never go always to the same place."—Daily Mail.
We seldom go always to the "Blue Lion," and usually never by the same way every time, for fear of hardly ever being unable to get out of the habit of it.
"The Westminster Gazette," writes a correspondent from Venice, "has always been regarded by the Italian Press as the most insular of English newspapers." Still we think that La Difesa, of which he encloses an extract, goes too far in referring to our esteemed contemporary as La West-Monstergazette.