A FIRST STEP TOWARDS HISTRIONICS.—II.

(Under the guidance of Herr Goethemann.)

Questioner. You were good enough to promise me at our next meeting a specimen of the Author-publisher's dramatic manner.

Answer. With pleasure. I will read it to you.

"Afternoon. Two-pair suburban back. Upright piano. High-minded table. Henry (dramatic author and host) under it, heavy with wine. Romeo (his friend and Town Blood) communing with Mary Ann (local ingénue). Eliza (her sister and hostess) outside just now, making coffee. She will come in presently, and realise Dramatic Moment.

Mary Ann. Get up, Henry, and give us a regular old rousing tune.

Henry (huskily, emerging from retreat). What shall it be?

Romeo. Oh, anything. Wagner for choice.

[Gifted musician obliges with a pot pourri of 'Parsifal,' Romeo absently whistling the trombone part.

Mary Ann. Ripping! Now something classical. Let's have 'After the Ball.' Come on, Romeo, we'll waltz; push back the fire-place. (They push back the fire-place; Romeo grasps Mary Ann, and they revolve. He kisses her on the cheek l. c.) Well, I never did! For shame! I decline to dance with you. There!

[Declines to dance with him.

Henry. One for you, my buck! Cheer up, Mary Ann; I'll give you a turn.

[Pirouettes twice with her, humming suitable air.

Mary Ann (rendered completely breathless). It's not like real dancing when you only hum!

Henry. Can't play and dance at same time, you know. Piano too stationary. So you must take Romeo on again, or go without.

Eliza (entering with coffee-tray and realising situation). Well, I declare! Having high jinks while I was making the coffee. What dramatic irony!

[Romeo gallantly invites her to join the giddy throng. They dance.

Eliza (rendered completely breathless). My soul! I'm in bad training!

Mary Ann (having got her second wind). Have a turn with me, Eliza! Romeo 's no good; he misses out every other bar.

Eliza. Want my coffee. No wind left.

[Henry spontaneously sings a Lullaby of Brahms'. Stops in middle to see what they all think of it. They all think a lot of it. Goes on singing. Only Eliza goes on thinking a lot of it. Others talk quite loud, Romeo being a Town Blood. Henry finishes, under conviction that they have no manners to speak of. Mind wanders off to the leading lady in his new piece, and he drops inadvertently into 'Daisy' waltz. Eliza waits for second wind. Romeo grapples with Mary Ann, the latter reluctant. She is rapt away in mazy whirl, kicking feebly. He again kisses her on the cheek, this time r. c.

Eliza. Man! I saw you! It was a wanton act.

Henry (casually). Anything broken?

Eliza. Oh, Henry! He went and kissed my Mary Ann, my own sister!

Romeo (with easy bravado). A mere nothing, I assure you. She's so provoking, don't you know? Had to do it in self-defence.

Eliza. It is contrary to established etiquette in our circles. Mary Ann, how could you?

Mary Ann. I didn't. It was him. I shall scream another time.

Eliza. Man, you will oblige me by treating my sister as you would your own.

[Exit with crushing expression which leaves Romeo intact.

Mary Ann. Eliza talks rot. (To Romeo.) Not that you're not a beast, all the same.

[Exit in two frames of mind. Henry laughs and makes light of osculation. The men converse. The plot becomes even more intricate. The end is nigh."

Question. Do I miss the purpose of the Author-publisher?

Answer. I should think it highly improbable.

Q. But why did he write it?

A. It is a "problem-play," and that, as I said, is the problem.

Cheering.—Liberal Party much encouraged by East Wicklow and East Leeds. "Wisdom from the East," they call it.

A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.

Nervous Youth. "Well—er—good-bye, Mrs. Thomas. Awfully glad I met you! Er—so good of you—so much pleasanter than Riding alone!"

[Shuts up.