THE LAST DAY OF HUNTING
Reading edition
(Stanzas for the First of April)
Right day to bid a long farewell To the field's gladsome glee; To hang the crop upon its peg, The saddle on its tree. All Fools' the day, all Fools' the deed, That hunting's end doth bring— With all those stinking violets, And humbug of the Spring! Good-bye to pig-skin and to pink, Good-bye to hound and horse! The whimpering music sudden heard From cover-copse and gorse; The feathering stems, the sweeping ears, The heads to scent laid low, The find, the burst, the "Gone-away!" The rattling "Tally-ho!" My horses may eat off their heads, My huntsman eat his heart; My hounds may dream of kills and runs In which they've borne their part, Until the season's bore is done, And Parliament set free, And cub-hunting comes back again To make a man of me!
"A-HUNTING WE WILL GO!"
Lady. "You're dropping your fish!"
Irish Fish Hawker (riding hard). "Och, bad luck to thim! Niver moind. Sure we're kapin' up wid the gentry!"
JUMPING POWDER
(Mr. Twentystun having a nip on his way to covert)
Small Boy. "Oh my, Billy, 'ere's a heighty-ton gun a chargin' of 'isself afore goin' into haction!"
DRAWN BLANK
Huntsman. "How is it you never have any foxes here now?"
Keeper (who has orders to shoot them.) "Pheasants have eat 'em all!"
The Advantage of Education
M.F.H. (who has had occasion to reprimand hard-riding Stranger.) "I'm afraid I used rather strong language to you just now."
Stranger. "Strong language? A mere twitter, sir. You should hear our Master!"
Irate Non-sporting Farmer. "Hi! you there! What the Duce do you mean by riding over my wheat!"
'Arry. "'Ere, I say! What are yer givin' us? Wheat! Why, it's only bloomin' mud!"
"Foot and Mouth" Trouble
A valuable hunter, belonging to Mr. Durlacher, got its hind foot securely fixed in its mouth one day last week, and a veterinary surgeon had to be summoned to its assistance. This recalls the ancient Irish legend of the man who never opened his mouth without putting his foot into it. But that, of course, was a bull.
Decidedly Not
Nervous Visitor (pulling up at stiff-looking fence.) "Are you going to take this hedge, sir?"
Sportsman. "No. It can stop where it is, as far as I'm concerned."
Ungrateful
The Pride of the Hunt (to Smith, who, for the last ten minutes, has been gallantly struggling with obstinate gate.) "Mr. Smith, if you really can't open that gate, perhaps you will kindly move out of the way, and allow me to jump it!"
APT
Brown (helping lady out of water.) "'Pon my word, Miss Smith, you remind me exactly of What's-her-name rising from the What-you-call!"
A CHECK
M.F.H. (riding up to old Rustic, with the intention of asking him if he has seen the lost fox.) "How long have you been working here, master?"
Old Rustic (not seeing the point.) "Nigh upon sixty year, mister!"
"WHAT'S IN A NAME?"
Whip. "Wisdom! Get away there!! Wisdom!! Wisdom!!! Ugh!—you always were the biggest fool in the pack!"
SOMETHING THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY
Mrs. Brown (being helped out of a brook by the gallant Captain, who has also succeeded in catching her horse.) "Oh, Captain Robinson! thank you so much!"
Gallant, but somewhat flurried, Captain. "Not at all—don't mention it." (Wishing to add something excessively polite and appropriate.) "Only hope I may soon have another opportunity of doing the same again for you."
Reassuring
Criticising friend (to nervous man on new horse.) "Oh! now I recollect that mare. Smashem bought her of Crashem last season, and she broke a collar-bone for each of them."
"THE TIP OF THE MORNING TO YOU!"
First Whip thanks him, and hums to himself, "When other tips, and t'other parts, Then he remembers me!"
Giles (indicating Sportsman on excitable horse, waiting his turn.) "Bless us all, Tumas, if that un beant a goin' to try it back'ards!"
WITH THE HARDUP HARRIERS
Dismounted Huntsman (to his mount.) "Whoa, you old brute! To think I went and spared yer from the biler only last week! You hungrateful old 'idebound 'umbug!"