THE MODERN WOMAN'S VADE MECUM

Question. Do you agree with a certain female lecturer, that it is the duty of the fair sex to captivate the other?

Answer. Certainly, as cleverness need not be divorced from fascination.

Q. You do not object, then, to brains in the abstract?

A. No; but as some men have a horror of the blue-stocking, I would cover fine heads with pretty toques.

Q. And if a woman has literary tastes, what would you advise?

A. That part of her reading should be devoted to the fashion journals, and she should not sacrifice her toilette to her intellect.

Q. What is your opinion about latchkeys, visits to the music-halls, and cigarettes?

A. That, from a man's point of view, they are played out, and consequently should be abandoned by man's would-be help-mate.

Q. What do you think of glasses?

A. That, when necessary, they should take the shape of a pince-nez, as it is more becoming than spectacles.

"INFLAMMABLE BUTTONS." UN PAGE D'AMOUR

Q. Then, before marriage, what should be your treatment of man?

A. I should do all I can in my power to please him.

Q. And after the nuptial knot had been tied, what then?

A. That, as Mr. Rudyard Kipling would observe, is quite another story.

NEW RULES FOR "PIT"

[On the authority of the Athenæum Club]

(1) The table shall be firmly clamped to the ground, and the cards shall be of metal not less than ¼ inch thick, with rounded corners.

(2) Any player who speaks in such an audible voice that the position of the roof is altered shall be forced to make the damage good.

(3) No player shall use a megaphone or speaking-trumpet of any kind.

(4) Muffin-bells may only be employed by players who have formed a "corner," and desire to communicate this fact to other players.

"The Earthly Paradise."—"What reason did he give for wishing to break off the engagement so soon?" "He said the report that he was engaged to me had not extended his credit nearly as much as he had hoped for."

(5) If a player has called "corner," and is found to have only eight similar cards in his hand, the game shall be continued without him. His remains may be removed at leisure.

(6) "Progressive Pit" with more than four tables shall only be played in a house which is at least five miles in any direction from other inhabited buildings.

(7) No person who is not a player shall approach while a game is in progress, except in the case when a player faints across the table and so obstructs the play.

SPRING CLEANING

[Scene—Spring Gardens. Enter Algy, L.H., meeting Frankie as he strolls in, R.H.]

Algy. Hallo, old boy! (Greeting) I've just had my house papered and painted inside and out.

Frankie. Indeed! And—er—(struck by the novelty) what sort of paper did you have put outside?

[Exit Algy, R.H., and Frankie, L.H. Scene closes.

Answer to Mary Anne.—The needle-gun is not threaded with gun-cotton.

She (to clumsy steerer). "Rather like progressive bridge, isn't it?" He. "Why?" She. "Well, you see, you run up against everyone in the room before you've done."

ROMANCE OF THE KITCHEN

Cook (from the area). "O, 'Liza, gi' me my winigrette—I've 'ad a—offer—from the dustman!!"

THE CONVALESCENT

New Curate (tenderly). "My good man, what induced you to send for me?"

Oldest Inhabitant. "What does he say, Betty?"

Betty. "Says what the deuce did you send for him, for!!"

The Merest Accident.—She. "So you failed in your vivâ voce exam.?" He. "Yes; but it was purely from absence of mind."

"O NOBLE FOOL! O WORTHY FOOL!"

Uncle (to nephew, who has just come into a fortune). "You must remember, my boy, that 'a fool and his money are soon parted'!"

Fair Cousin. "Oh, but I'm sure Sammy will be the exception that proves the rule!"

[Sammy is delighted.

Pernicious Praise.—Mr. Ranty Snobbarts (holding forth). "By Jove, I'm awfully keen on huntin'. Ain't you, what?" Horrid Boy. "Yes, by Jove, he is keen. Why, when he wasn't huntin' the fox, he was huntin' his horse!"

Duty First.—Her Ladyship (who is giving a servants' ball—to butler). "We shall begin with a square dance, and I shall want you, Wilkins, to be my partner." Wilkins. "Certainly my lady; and afterwards I presoom we may dance with 'oom we like?"

Maid. "There's a much better tone in this house now, m'm, than there used to be." Lady (indignantly). "Indeed! I don't understand you Chalmers." Maid. "Oh, m'm, I mean downstairs, of course. Not upstairs."

Things that might have been Expressed Differently.—Uncle George. "So glad you are so much better, Amy, my dear." Amy. "Yes, thank you, Uncle George. Since Dr. Pillum took me in hand my recovery has been simply miraculous!"

Applicant (for situation as parlour-maid). "Should I be expected to hand things at lunch, madam, or do you stretch?"

Lady Caller (to old family servant). "Well, Bridget, did Master Arthur shoot any tigers in India?" Bridget. "Of coorse he did. Shure we have the horns of the craythurs hung in the hall!"

Smithson (the celebrated poet, novelist, playwright, &c.). "But, my dear young lady, I really don't understand you. I haven't been winning any ping-pong tournament. I don't play."

Miss Brown. "Oh, but surely I heard our hostess say you were 'the Mr. Smithson!'"