JOKES (continued 3)

"Sh!" he whispered. "It vas next week."

PREPAREDNESS

The small boy was directed to soak his feet in salt water to toughen them. He considered the matter thoughtfully, and then remarked to himself:

"It's pretty near time for me to ket a lickin', I guess I'd better sit in it."

* * *

The two scrub women met and chattered to this effect:

Mrs. Riley—Och, Missus O'Rafferty, I hear yez be worrukin' noight an' day.

Mrs. O'Rafferty—Yis, Oi'm under bonds to kape the pace for pullin' the hair o' that blaggard Missus Murphy; an' the Judge tould me as if Oi touched her again he'd foine me tin dollars.

Mrs. Riley—An' yez is worrukin' so hard so's to kape outen mischief.

Mrs. O'Rafferty (hissing viciously between her teeth)—No! Oi'm savin' oop the foine.

* * *

The father entered the room where Clara, his daughter, was entertaining her young man.

"What is it, popper?" the young lady inquired.

Her father held out the umbrella which he carried.

"This is for John," he explained. "It looks as if it might rain before morning."

PRIDE

The little boy was greatly elated when informed by his mother that the liveliness of her hair as she combed it was caused by electricity.

"Oh, my!" he exclaimed. "Ain't we a wonderful family! Mama has electricity on her head, and grandma has gas on her stomach."

* * *

Pride often has no better basis in fact than the self-congratulation of little Raymond in the following story:

Raymond came home from a session of the Sunday School fairly swollen with importance. He explained the cause to his mother.

"The superintendent said something awful nice about me this morning in his prayer."

"And what did he say, dear?" the mother inquired, concealing her astonishment.

The boy quoted glibly and sincerely.

"He said, 'O Lord, we thank thee for our food and Raymond.'"

PRECOCIOUSNESS

A stranger rang the door-bell. Little eight-year-old Willie Jones opened the door.

"Is Mr. Jones in?" the caller inquired.

Little Willie answered with formal politeness:

"I'm Mr. Jones. Or did you wish to see old Mr. Jones?"

PRISON REFORM

The society matron explained the necessity for immediate reform in conditions at the State Penitentiary:

"Nowadays, there are such a number of our very best people who are being indicted and tried and convicted and sent to serve their sentences in the prison that we really must make their surroundings there more pleasant and elegant."

PRIVILEGE

The tenderfoot in the mining town was watching a poker game for heavy stakes, when he saw the dealer give himself four aces from the bottom of the deck. He whispered the fact in shocked surprise to a citizen beside him. The latter looked astonished.

"What of it?" he drawled. "Wasn't it his deal?"

PROCRASTINATION

The Southern darky is usually willing enough, but painfully dilatory in accomplishment. The foreman of a quarry called to Zeb, the general utility man, and directed him to go across the road to the blacksmith shop and bring back a drill which had been left there for sharpening. Zeb shuffled out of sight, and after a lapse of half an hour, shuffled back lazily into view. The indignant foreman called to him sharply:

"Here, you Zeb! Where've you been all this time?"

The darky grinned placatingly.

"Why, boss," he explained, "I hain't been—I'se gwine!"

PROFANITY

The longshoreman was indulging in a fit of temper, which he interpreted in a burst of language that shocked the lady passing by. She regarded him reprovingly, as she demanded:

"My man, where did you learn such awful language?"

"Where did I learn it?" the longshoreman repeated. "Huh! I didn't learn it, it's a gift."

* * *

The deacon carried a chain to the blacksmith to have a link welded. When he returned to the shop a few hours later, he saw the chain lying on the floor, and picked it up. It was just next to red hot, and the deacon dropped it with the ejaculation:

"Hell!" Then he added hastily: "I like to have said."

PROFITEERS

The wife of the profiteer discoursed largely on the luxuries of the new country estate.

"And, of course," she vouchsafed, "we have all the usual animals—horses, cows, sheep, pigs, hens, and so forth."

"Oh, hens!" the listener gushed. "Then you'll have fresh eggs."

"Really, I'm not sure. The hens can work, if they like, but of course in our position, it's quite unnecessary—er, perhaps not quite suitable, you know."

* * *

The advertisement offered for fifty cents a recipe by which to whiten the hands and soften them. Girls who sent the money received the following directions:

"Soak the hands three times a day in dish water while mother rests."

* * *

"Are you sure this handbag is genuine crocodile skin?" the woman asked the shopkeeper.

"Absolutely," was the reply. "I shot that crocodile myself."

"But it is badly soiled."

"Well, yes, of course. That's where it hit the ground, when it fell out of the tree."

* * *

Customer: "But if it costs twenty dollars to make these watches, and you sell them for twenty dollars, where does your profit come in?"

Shopkeeper: "That comes from repairing them."

PROGRESS

The cottager was crippled by rheumatism, and the kindly clergyman taught him his letters, and put him through the primer and into the Bible. On his return after a vacation, the clergyman met the cottager's wife.

"How does John get along with his reading of the Bible?" he asked.

"Oh, bless your reverence," she replied proudly, "'e's out of the Bible and into the newspaper long ago."

* * *

The kindly clergyman, newly come to the parish, was at great pains to teach an illiterate old man, crippled with rheumatism, his letters so that he could read the Bible. On the clergyman's return after a short absence from the parish, he met the old man's wife.

"And how is Thomas making out with reading his Bible?"

"Bless you, sir," the wife declared proudly, "he's out of the Bible and into the newspaper long ago."

* * *

The physician advised his patient to eat a hearty dinner at night, without any worry over the ability to digest it. The patient, however, protested:

"But the other time when I came to see you, you insisted I must eat only a very light supper in the evening."

The physician nodded, smiling complacently.

"Yes, of course—that shows what great progress the science of medicine is making."

PROHIBITION

The objector to prohibition spoke bitterly:

"Water has killed more folks than liquor ever did."

"You are raving," declared the defender of the Eighteenth Amendment. "How do you make that out?"

"Well, to begin with, there was the Flood."

* * *

The wife complained to her husband that the chauffeur was very drunk indeed, and must be discharged instantly.

"Discharged—nothing!" the husband retorted joyously. "When he's sobered off, I'll have him take me out and show me where he got it."

PROLIFIC

The woman teacher in a New York School was interested in the announcement by a little girl pupil that she had a new baby brother.

"And what is the baby's name?" the teacher asked.

"Aaron," was the answer.

A few days later, the teacher inquired concerning Aaron, but the little girl regarded her in perplexity.

"Aaron?" she repeated.

"Your baby brother," the teacher prompted.

Understanding dawned on the child's face.

"Oh, Aaron!" she exclaimed. "That was a mistake. It's Moses. He's very well, ma'am, thank you. Pa an' ma, they found we had an Aaron."

PRONUNCIATION

The parson's daughter spoke pleasantly, but with a hint of rebuke, to one of her father's humble parishioners:

"Good morning, Giles. I haven't noticed you in church for the last few weeks."

"No, miss," the man answered. "I've been oop at Noocaste a-visitin' my old 'aunts. And strange, miss, ain't it, I don't see no change in 'em since I was a child like?"

The parson's daughter was duly impressed.

"What wonderful old ladies they must be!"

But the man shook his head, and explained with remarkable clearness:

"I didn't say 'arnts', miss. I said 'awnts'—'aunts where I used to wander in my childhood days like."

PROOF

Shopper:—"Are these eggs fresh?"

Apprentice:—"Yes, ma'am, they be."

Shopper:—"How long since they were laid?"

Apprentice:—"'Tain't ten minutes, ma'am—I know, I laid them eggs there myself."

PROPERTY

The indignant householder held up before the policeman the dead cat that had been lying by the curb three days.

"What am I to do with this?" he demanded.

"Take it to headquarters," was the serene reply. "If nobody claims it within a reasonable time, it's your property."

PROVIDENCE

The babu explained with great politeness the complete failure of a young American member of the shooting party in India to bag any game:

"The sahib shot divinely but it is true that Providence was all merciful to the birds."

PRUDENCE

Sandy MacTavish was a guest at a christening party in the home of a fellow Scot whose hospitality was limited only by the capacity of the company. The evening was hardly half spent when Sandy got to his feet, and made the round of his fellow guests, bidding each of them a very affectionate farewell. The host came bustling up, much concerned.

"But, Sandy, mon," he protested, "Ye're nae goin' yet, with the evenin' just started?"

"Nay," declared the prudent MacTavish, "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm tellin' ye good-night while I know ye all."

* * *

The young man, who was notorious for the reckless driving of his car, was at his home in the country, when he received a telephone call, and a woman's voice asked if he intended to go motoring that afternoon.

"No, not this afternoon," he replied. "But why do you ask? Who are you?"

"That doesn't matter," came the voice over the wire. "It's only that I wish to send my little girl down the street on an errand."

PUNISHMENT

The school teacher, after writing to the mother of a refractory pupil, received this note in reply:

"Dear miss, you writ me about whippin my boy i hereby give you permission to lick him eny time it is necessary to lern him lessuns hes jist like his paw you have to lern him with a club please pound nolej into him i want him to git it don't pay no attenshun to his paw either i'll handle him."

* * *

The little boy dashed wildly around the corner, and collided with the benevolent old gentleman, who inquired the cause of such haste.

"I gotta git home fer maw to spank me," the boy panted.

"Bless my soul!" exclaimed the old gentleman, "I can't understand your being in such a hurry to be spanked."

"I ain't. But if I don't git there 'fore paw, he'll gimme the lickin'."

* * *

The little lad sat on the curb howling lustily. A passer-by halted to ask what was the matter. The boy explained between howls that his father had given him a licking. The sympathizer attempted consolation:

"But you must be a little man, and not cry about it. All fathers have to punish their children sometimes."

The lad ceased howling long enough to snort contemptuously, and to explain:

"Huh! my paw ain't like other boys' paws. He plays the bass drum in the band!"

PUNS

"What is your name?" demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Municipal Court.

"Locke Smith," was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door.

He was seized by an officer and hauled back.

"Ten dollars or ten days," said the magistrate.

"I'll take the ten dollars," announced the prisoner.

Finally, he paid the fine, but he added explicit information as to his opinion of the judge. Then he leaped for the door again, only to be caught and brought back a second time.

The judge, after fining the prisoner another ten dollars, admonished him severely, in these words:

"If your language had been more chaste and refined, you would not have been chased and refined."

* * *

A member of the Lambs' Club had a reputation for lack of hospitality in the matter of buying drinks for others. On one occasion, two actors entered the bar, and found this fellow alone at the rail. They invited him to drink, and, as he accepted, he announced proudly:

"I'm writing my autobiography."

"With the accent on the 'bi'?" One of the newcomers suggested sarcastically.

"No," his friend corrected, "with the accent on the 'auto'."

* * *

The stallion that had been driven in from the plains was a magnificent creature, but so fierce that no man dared approach closely. Then the amiable lunatic appeared on the scene. He took a halter, and went toward the dangerous beast. And as he went, he muttered softly:

"So, bossy; so bossy; so bossy."

The stallion stood quietly and allowed the halter to be slipped over his head without offering any resistance.

The horse was cowed.

* * *

When Mr. Choate was ambassador to the Court of St. James, he was present at a function where his plain evening dress contrasted sharply with the uniforms of the other men. At a late hour, an Austrian diplomat approach him, as he stood near the door, obviously taking him for a servant, and said:

"Call me a cab."

Choate answered affably:

"You're a cab, sir."

The diplomat indignantly went to the host and explained that a servant had insulted him. He pointed to Choate. Explanations ensued, and the diplomat was introduced to the American, to whom he apologized.

"That's all right," declared Choate, smiling. "If you had been better-looking, I'd have called you a hansom cab."

PUZZLE

The humorist offered his latest invention in the way of a puzzle to the assembly of guests in the drawing-room:

"Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see; legs and cannot walk, but can jump as high as the Woolworth Building?"

Everybody racked his brains during a period of deep silence, and racked in vain. Finally, they gave it up and demanded the solution. The inventor of the puzzle beamed.

"The answer," he said, "is a wooden horse. It has eyes and cannot see, and legs and cannot walk."

"Yes," the company agreed. "But how does it jump as high as the Woolworth Building?"

"The Woolworth Building," the humorist explained, "can't jump."

QUARRELSOME

The applicant for the position of cook explained to the lady why she had left her last place:

"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master and the mistress was always quarreling."

"That must have been unpleasant," the lady agreed.

"Yis, mum," the cook declared, "they was at it all the time. When it wasn't me an' him, it was me an' her."

QUESTIONS

It was a rule of the club that anyone asking a question which he himself could not answer must pay a fine. One of the members presented a question as to why a ground-squirrel in digging left no dirt around the entrance to its hole. He was finally called on for the answer, and explained that of course the squirrel began at the bottom and dug upward.

"Excellent!" a listener laughed. "But how does the squirrel manage to reach the bottom?"

"That," said the other with a grin, "is your question."

RAILROAD

A railroad was opened through a remote region, and on the first run over the line, the engineer overtook a country boy riding his horse along the road bed. The engineer whistled, and the boy whipped. The train was forced to a crawl with the cowcatcher fairly nipping at the horse's heels. Finally, the engineer leaned from the cab window and shouted:

"You dum fool, why dont ye git offen the track?"

The fleeting boy screamed an answer:

"No, sirree! Ye'd ketch me in a jiffy on thet-thar ploughed ground."

RECOGNITION

The office telephone was out of order. An employee of the company was sent to make repairs. After a period of labor, he suggested to the gentleman occupying the office the calling up of some one over the wire in order to test the working of the instrument. The gentleman obligingly called for the number of his own home in the suburbs. When the connection was made, he called into the transmitter:

"Maria!" and after a pause, "Maria!" and again "Maria!" There followed a few seconds of waiting, and he repeated his call in a peremptory tone, "Maria!"

The electric storm that had been gathering broke at this moment. A bolt of lightning hit the telephone wires. The gentleman was hurled violently under his desk. Presently, he crawled forth in a dazed condition, and regarded the repair man plaintively.

"That's her!" he declared. "The telephone works fine."

REFORM

Abe Jones was a colored man who made a living by chicken-stealing. He was converted at a camp meeting. When the elder was receiving testimonies from the mourners' bench, he at last called on Abe:

"Brother," he exhorted, "won't you tell the congregation now what the Lord has done for you?"

Abe got to his feet awkwardly, and mumbled his response in a tone tinged with bitterness:

"It looks as though the Lawd done ruint me."

RELIABILITY

The Southern lady saw old 'Rastus setting out with his fishing tackle for a day on the river, and she deemed it a fitting time to rebuke him for his notorious idleness, since she and everybody else knew that the entire family was supported by the industry of 'Rastus' old wife as a washerwoman.

"'Rastus," she said severely, "do you think it's right to leave your wife hard at work over the washtub while you pass your time fishing?"

"Yassum, ma'am," replied the old darky earnestly. "It's all right. Mah wife don' need any watchin'. She'll wuk jes' as hard as if I was dah."

REPENTANCE

"When the Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be: When the Devil was well, the devil a monk was he."

REPETITION

The little girl had been naughty in school. By way of punishment, she was directed by the teacher to remain in her seat after the session until she had written an original composition containing not less than fifty words. In a surprisingly short space of time, she offered the following, and was duly excused:

"I lost my kitty, and I went out and called, Come, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."

RESIGNATION

The physician, afer an examination, addressed the wife of the sick man in a tone of grave finality:

"I am afraid your husband is beyond help. I can hold out no hope of his recovery."

This candor was offensive to the patient, who protested with what violence was permitted by a very scanty breath:

"Here, hold on! What are you gittin' at? I ain't a-goin' to snuff out!"

The wife interposed in a soothing voice:

"You leave it to the doctor, dearie—he knows best."

REVOLUTION

At a reception given by the Daughters of the Revolution in New York City appeared a woman from one of the Latin-American States. She wore a large number of decorations and insignia. It was explained that she was a Daughter of all two hundred and thirty-eight revolutions in her own country.

REWARD OF MERIT

A very tidy young man was distressed by his wife's carelessness in attire at home. He was especially annoyed by a torn skirt, which his wife was forever pinning and never mending. Being a tidy man, he had acquired some skill with a needle in his bachelor days. With the intention of administering a rebuke to his wife, he set to work on the skirt during her absence and sewed it up neatly. When, on her return home, he showed her what he had done, she was touched and kissed him tenderly. Soon she left the room, to return with an armful of garments.

"Here are some more for you, darling," she announced happily. "Don't hurry. Just do them whenever you have time."

REWARD OF VIRTUE

The little boy put a serious question to his mother:

"Please, mama, tell me: If I'm a good boy, and I die, and go to heaven, will God give me a nice ickle devil to play with?"

* * *

The teacher directed the class to compose fiction narrative. The most interesting story submitted ran as follows:

"A poor young man fell in love with the daughter of a rich lady who kept a candy store. The poor young man could not marry the rich candy lady's daughter because he had not money enough to buy any furniture.

"A wicked man offered to give the young man twenty-five dollars if he would become a drunkard. The young man wanted the money very much, so he could marry the rich candy lady's daughter, but when he got to the saloon he turned to the wicked man and said, 'I will not become a drunkard even for twenty-five dollars. Get from behind me, Satan.'

"On his way home he found a pocketbook containing a million dollars in gold. Then the young lady consented to marry him. They had a beautiful wedding, and the next day they had twins. Thus you see that Virtue has its own reward."

RULING PASSION

Noah Webster, the maker of the dictionary, carried his exact knowledge as to the meaning of words into ordinary speech. A story told of him—which is, of course, untrue—illustrates the point.

Noah's wife entered the kitchen, to find him kissing the cook.

"Why, Noah," she exclaimed, "I am surprised!"

The lexicographer regarded his wife disapprovingly, and rebuked her:

"You are astonished—I am surprised."

SAFETY FIRST

"Come over here!" called a friend to an intoxicated citizen whom he saw across the street.

The man addressed blinked and shook his head.

"Come over there?" he called back. "Why, it's all I can do to stay where I am."

* * *

Amos Perkins was hired in the spring to shoot muskrats, which were overrunning the mill dam. An acquaintance paused to chat one day with Amos, who was sitting at ease on the bank of the stream, his gun safely out of reach.

"I hear the muskrats are undermining the dam," the acquaintance said.

"So they be, so they be!" Amos agreed.

"Hi! there goes one!" cried the visitor, pointing. "Shoot! Why don't you shoot, man?"

Amos spat tobacco juice emphatically, and answered: "Huh! think I want to lose my job?"

* * *

The disgruntled fisherman at the club lifted his voice and complained loudly. He protested against the base trickery of his two companions on the trip.

"It was agreed," he explained, "before we started, that the one who caught the first fish must stand treat to a supper. Now, you'd hardly believe it, but it's a fact that when we got to fishing, both those fellows deliberately refused to pull in their lines when they had bites, just so I'd be stuck."

"That was a mean trick," one of the auditors asserted sympathetically. "How much did the supper cost you?"

The grouchy fisherman relaxed slightly.

"Oh," he explained, "it wasn't as bad as that. You see, I didn't have any bait on my hook."

* * *

A G. A. R. veteran told to some members of the American Legion the story of a private in the Civil War, who during the first battle of Bull Run found a post hole into which he lowered himself, so that only his eyes were above the level of the ground. An officer, noting this display of cowardice, darted to the spot, and with a threatening gesture of his sword, shouted fiercely, "get out of that hole!"

But the skulker did not come out. On the contrary, he put his thumb to his nose and waggled his fingers insultingly.

"Not on your life," he retorted. "Hunt a hole for yourself. This belongs to me."

* * *

The woman hesitated over buying the silver service.

"Of course," she said, "I take your word for it that it's solid silver, but somehow it doesn't look it."

"A great advantage, ma'am," the shopkeeper declared suavely. "That service can be left right out in plain sight, and no burglar will look at it twice."

SANITY

It is a matter of uncommon knowledge that personal perfection is a most trying thing to live with. In the United States recently, a woman sued for divorce, alleging in the complaint against her husband that he had no faults. It was probably a subtle subconscious realization of the unpleasantness, even the unendurableness, of perfection in the domestic companionship that caused the obvious misprint in the following extract from a Scotch editorial concerning the new divorce legislation:

"But the Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution of the marriage bond, which are unknown to the law of Scotland. Cruelty, incurable sanity, or habitual drunkenness are proposed as separate grounds of divorce."

SARCASM

The noted story-teller at a dinner party related an anecdote, and was at first gratified by the hearty laughter of an old lady among the guests, and later a little suspicious, as her mirth continued. As he stared at her, puzzled, she spoke in explanation:

"Oh, that story is such a favorite of mine: the first time I heard it I laughed so hard that I kicked the foot-board off my crib."

* * *

The ponderous judge interrupted the eloquent lawyer harshly:

"All you say goes in at one ear and out at the other."

"What is to prevent it?" was the retort.

SAVING

A servant, who indulged in sprees during which he spent all his money, was advised by his master to save against a rainy day. A week later, the master inquired if any saving had been accomplished.

"Oh, yes, indeed, sir," the servant responded. "But, you see, sir, it rained yesterday, and it all went."

SCHEDULE

Cooks' tourists travel exactly according to schedule. The following conversation was overheard in Rome between a mother and daughter:

"Is this Rome, ma?"

"What day of the week is it, Matilda?"

"Tuesday. What of it?"

"If it's Tuesday, it must be Rome."

* * *

The man about to take a train was worried by the station clocks. There was twenty minutes difference between the one in the office and the one in the waiting-room. Finally, he questioned a porter. That worthy made a careful survey of the two clocks, and shook his head doubtfully. Then, he brightened suddenly, and said:

"It don't make a single mite of difference about the clocks. The train goes at four-ten, no matter what."

SEASICKNESS

On the first morning of the voyage, the vessel ran into a nasty choppy sea, which steadily grew worse. There were twenty-five passengers at the captain's table for dinner, and he addressed them in an amiable welcoming speech:

"I hope that all twenty-five of you will have a pleasant trip." The soup appeared, and he continued: "I sincerely hope that this little assembly of twenty-four will thoroughly enjoy the voyage. I look upon these twenty-two smiling faces as a father upon his family, for I am responsible for the safety of this group of seventeen. And now I ask that all fourteen of you join me in drinking to a merry trip. Indeed, I believe that we eight are most congenial, and I applaud the good fortune that brought these three persons to my table. You and I, my dear sir, are—— Here, steward, clear away all those dishes, and bring me the fish."

* * *

The pair on their honeymoon were crossing the Channel, and the movement of the waves seemed to be going on right inside the bride. In a fleeting moment of internal calm she murmured pathetically to the bridegroom in whose arms she was clasped:

"Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy, do you love me?"

"My darling!" he affirmed. "You know I love you with all my heart and soul—I worship you, I adore you, my precious oontsy-woontsy!"

The boat reeled, and a sickening pang thrilled through all the foundations of the bride's being.

"O dear, O dear!" she gasped. "I hoped that might help a little, but it didn't—not a bit!"

* * *

The seasick voyager on the ocean bowed humbly over the rail and made libation to Neptune. The kindly old gentleman who stood near remarked sympathetically:

"You have a weak stomach."

The victim paused in his distressing occupation to snort indignantly:

"Weak? Humph! I guess I can throw as far as anybody on this ship."

* * *

The wife of the seasick passenger was about to leave the stateroom for dinner. She inquired of her husband solicitously:

"George, shall I have the steward bring some dinner to you here?"

"No," was the reply, haltingly given between groans.

"But I wish, my dear, you would ask him to take it on deck and throw it over the rail for me."

* * *

The moralizing gentleman at the club remarked ponderously:

"If there is anything in a man, travel will bring it out."

One who had just landed from a rough crossing agreed bitterly:

"Especially ocean travel."

SECTARIAN

Once upon a time a coach was held up by a road-agent. The driver explained to the robber that his only passenger was a man, who was asleep inside. The highwayman insisted that the traveler be awakened. "I want to go through his pockets!" he declared fiercely, with an oath.

The bishop, when aroused, made gentle protests.

"You surely would not rob a poor bishop!" he exclaimed. "I have no money worth your attention, and I am engaged on my duties as a bishop."

The robber hesitated.

"A bishop, eh?" he said thoughtfully. "Of what church?"

"The Episcopal."

"The hell you are! That's the church I belong to! So long!... Driver, larrup them mules!"

* * *

A Scotch Presbyterian clergyman tells the story of a parishioner who formed a secession with a few others unable to accept the doctrines of the church. But when the clergyman asked this man if he and the others worshiped together, the answer was:

"No. The fact is, I found that they accepted certain points to which I could not agree, so I withdrew from communion with them."

"So, then," the clergyman continued, "I suppose you and your wife carry on your devotions together at home."

"No, not exactly," the man admitted. "I found that our views on certain doctrines are not in harmony. So, there has been a division between us. Now, she worships in the northeast corner of the room and I in the southwest."

SELF-BETRAYAL

The old lady was very aristocratic, but somewhat prim and precise. Nevertheless, when the company had been telling of college pranks, she relaxed slightly, and told of a lark that had caused excitement in Cambridge when she was a girl there. This was to the effect that two maidens of social standing were smuggled into the second-story room of a Harvard student for a gay supper. The affair was wholly innocent, but secrecy was imperative, to avoid scandal. The meal was hardly begun when a thunderous knock of authority came on the door. The young men acted swiftly in the emergency. Silently, one of the girls was lowered to the ground from the window by a rope knotted under her arms. The second girl was then lowered, but the rope broke when the descent was hardly half completed.

The old lady had related the incident with increasing animation, and at this critical point in the narrative she burst forth:

"And I declare, when that rope broke, I just knew I was going to be killed, sure!"

SERMON

The aged colored clergyman, who made up in enthusiasm what he lacked in education, preached a sermon on the verse of the Psalm, "Awake, Psaltery and Harp! I myself will awake right early." The explanation of the words, which preceded the exhortation, was as follows:

"Awake, Peasel Tree an' Ha'ap, I myself will awake airly. Dis yere Sam was wrote by de prophet Moses. Moses was mighty fond o' playin' on de ha'ap all de day long, an' at night when he went to bed he'd hang up de ha'ap on de limb ob a Peasel tree what grew on de outside o' de window, an' in de mawnin', when de sun would get up an' shine in his face, he'd jump out o' bed, an' exclaim, 'Wake, Peasel Tree an' Ha'ap! I myself will awake airly!'"

SCAPEGOAT

Cousin Willie, aged ten, came for a visit to Johnnie, aged twelve. Johnnie's mother directed him to take the visitor out to play with his boy friends in the neighborhood.

"And be sure to have lots of fun," she added.

On the return of the boys, Willie, the guest, appeared somewhat downcast, but Johnnie was radiant.

"Did you have a good time?" his mother asked.

"Bully!" Johnnie answered.

"And lots of fun?"

"Oh, yes!"

"But Willie doesn't look very happy," Johnnie's mother said doubtfully.

"Well, you see," Johnnie answered, beaming, "the rest of us, we had our fun with Willie."

SHEEP AND GOATS

The little girl was deeply impressed by the clergyman's sermon as to the separation of the sheep and the goats. That night after she had gone to bed, she was heard sobbing, and the mother went to her, to ask what was the matter.

"It's about the goats!" Jenny confessed at last. "I'm so afraid I am a goat, and so I'll never go to heaven. Oh, I'm so afraid I'm a goat!"

"My dear," the mother assured her weeping child. "You're a sweet little lamb. If you were to die to-night, you would go straight to heaven." Her words were successful in quieting the little girl, and she slept.

But the following night Jenny was found crying again in her bed, and when her mother appeared she wailed:

"I'm afraid about the goats."

"But mother has told you that you are a little lamb, and that you must never worry over being a goat."

Jenny, however, was by no means comforted, and continued her sobs.

"Yes, mamma," she declared sadly, "I know that. But I'm afraid—awful afraid you're a goat!"

SHIFTLESSNESS

The shiftless man, who preferred reading to labor, closed the book on French history, which he had been perusing with great interest, and addressed his wife.

"Do you know, Mary," he asked impressively, "what I would have done if I had been in Napoleon's place?"

"Certainly!" the wife snapped. "You'd have settled right down on a farm in Corsica, and let it run itself."

SHIPWRECK

The new member of the club listened with solemn interest to the various stories that were told in the smoking room. They were good stories, and obviously lies, and each of them was a bigger lie than any that had gone before. Finally, the company insisted that the new member should relate a tale. He refused at first, but under pressure yielded, and gave a vivid account of a shipwreck at sea during one of his voyages. He described the stress of the terrible situation with such power that his hearers were deeply impressed. He reached the point in his account where only the captain and himself and half a dozen others were left aboard the doomed vessel, after the last of the boats had been lowered.

"And then," he concluded, "a vast wave came hurtling down on us. It was so huge that it shut out all the sky. It crashed over the already sinking ship in a torrent of irresistible force. Under that dreadful blow the laboring vessel sank, and all those left on board of her were drowned."

The narrator paused and there was a period of tense silence. But presently someone asked:

"And you—what became of you?"

"Oh, I," was the reply, "why I was drowned with the rest of them."

SLANDER

The business man's wife, who had called at his office, regarded the pretty young stenographer with a baleful eye.

"You told me that your typewriter was an old maid," she accused.

The husband, at a loss, faltered in his reply, but at last contrived:

"Yes, but she's sick to-day, and sent her grandchild in her place."

SLAVERY

A traveler in the South chatted with an aged negro, whom he met in the road.

"And I suppose you were once a slave?" he remarked.

"Yes, suh," the old colored man answered.

"And, so, after the war, you gained your freedom," the gentleman continued.

But the ancient one shook his head sadly.

"No, suh," he declared with great emphasis. "Not perzactly, suh. I didn't git mah freedom, suh, after de war—I done got married!"

SMELLS

An argument arose among a number of British officers during their time of service in the Dardanelles, and wagers were made among them. The question at issue was as to which smells the louder, a goat or a Turk. The colonel was made arbiter. He sat judicially in his tent, and a goat was brought in. The colonel fainted. After the officer had been revived, and was deemed able to continue his duty as referee, a Turk was brought into the tent. The goat fainted.

SOCIAL UPLIFT

The somewhat unpleasant person, who was a social worker, completed her call on a dweller in the tenement district, and rose to depart. The unwilling hostess shook her head at the visitor's promise to come again.

"And excuse me if I don't return the call," she vouchsafed. "Myself, I've got no time to go slummin'."

* * *

The philanthropic hostess entertained a party of children from the slums at her home. She addressed one particularly pretty and intelligent-looking little girl, who listened shyly. She urged the child to speak without embarrassment. The little one complied, aspiring:

"How many children have you?"

"Six," the hostess answered, in surprise.

"What a big family! You must be sure to look after them properly, and be very careful to keep them clean."

"I'll try to, certainly," the lady declared, much amused.

"Has your husband got a job?" the girl demanded crisply.

"Well, no," the hostess admitted.

"How unfortunate! You know you must keep out of debt."

"Really, you must not be impertinent," was the reproof.

"No, ma'am," the child responded simply, "mother said I must talk like a lady, and that's the way the ladies talk when they come to see us."

SPANKING

Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a minor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her superiors, Miss Manners, that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until she could spank him no more for physical fatigue.

"When you want him spanked again, send him to me," Miss Manners said.

Next morning, Thomas came into the presence of Miss Manners, displaying an air that was downcast. The teacher regarded him with suspicion.

"Did you come from Miss Bings?" she asked sharply.

"Yes, ma'am," Thomas admitted.

"I thought as much!" On the instant, she skillfully inverted the youngster over her lap, and whacked him in a most spirited manner. This duty done, as the wailings of the boy died away, she demanded sternly:

"And now what have you to say?"

"Please, ma'am," Thomas answered brokenly, "Miss Bings wants the scissors!"

SPEED

In the business college, the instructor addressed the new class concerning the merits of shorthand. In his remarks, he included this statement:

"It is a matter of record that it took the poet Gray seven years to write his famous poem, 'Elegy in a Country Churchyard.' Had he been proficient in stenography, he could have done it in seven minutes. We have had students who have written it in that length of time."

* * *

The young lady interested in botany inquired of the gentleman who had been traveling in the South.

"What sort of a plant is the Virginia creeper?"

"That is not a plant," was the answer, given wearily; "it's a railroad."

SPELLING

Some time before Mr. Taft became President of the United States, he took an extended trip in the mountains of West Virginia. On one occasion, he was conveyed along the mountain roads in a buggy driven by a native of the region. As they came to a small stream, Mr. Taft, without any particular interest, inquired concerning the brook's name. So far as he could understand, the answer was:

"This here are Swum-swum Crick."

"What?" Mr. Taft demanded.

In the repetition, the words sounded like:

"This here are Swoovel Crick."

The questioner was so puzzled that he asked the mountaineer how the name of the Creek was spelled.

The native spat tobacco juice reflectively over the wheel, and then spoke judicially:

"Waal, some spells it one way, an' some spells it another way; but in my jedgmint thar are no propeer way."

* * *

The clerk of the court directed the witness to spell his name. The man started his reply thus:

"O double t, i double u, e double l, double u, double——"

The clerk interrupted:

"Please, begin again."

The witness complied glibly:

"O double t, i double u, e double l, double u, double o——"

The clerk groaned. The judge himself intervened: "What is your name?"

"Your Honor, it is Ottiwell Wood. I spell it: O double t, i double u, e double l, double u, double o, d."

SPINSTERHOOD

The old colored mammy took advantage of a wedding announcement to question her mistress, who remained a spinster still though approaching middle age.

"When is you gwine to git married, missy?"

"I don't know, mammy," was the thoughtful reply. "Really, I don't think I'll ever get married."

A note of sadness in the speaker's voice moved the old woman to attempt philosophical consolation:

"Well, they do say as how ole maids am the happies' kind after they quits strugglin'."

SPITE

The faithful old employee asked for a day off. The request was granted, with an inquiry as to what he intended to do on his holiday.

"I think," came the cautious answer, "I shall go to my wife's funeral. She died the other day."

A few weeks later, the request for a day off was repeated.

"And what are you going to do this time?" the employer asked.

"I think, mebbe, I'll get married."

"What! So soon after burying your wife?"

The faithful old employee smiled tolerantly, as he answered:

"Oh, well, I was never one to hold spite."

SPORTSMANSHIP

In the party out after reed birds was a tyro at the sport. When at last he saw one of the birds walking about, he plumped down on his stomach, and took aim. A companion called to him sharply:

"You're not going to shoot the bird while it's walking?"

"No," was the firm response; "I'll wait till it stops."

SPRING

The teacher talked on the four seasons, telling how in the spring the new life comes to the earth, with the growth of grasses and leaves and flowers, how this life matures in summer, and so on, and so on. Then she called on the class to repeat the information she had given. She asked one little boy about spring.

"What do we find in the spring, George?"

George seemed very reluctant to answer, but when the teacher insisted he at last said:

"Why, ma'am, there's a frog, an' a lizard, an' a snake, an' a dead cat, but I didn't put the cat there. It was another boy."

STAMMERING

On the occasion of a most interesting family event, Mr. Peedle, who desired a son, paced the drawing-room in extreme agitation, until at last the doctor appeared in the doorway.

"Oh, oh, tell me," he gasped, "what is it—a boy or a girl?"

"Tr-tr-tr—" the physician began stammeringly.

Peedle paled.

"Triplets! Merciful providence!"

"Qu-qu-qu—" spluttered the doctor.

Peedle paled some more.

"Quadruplets!" he moaned.

"N-n-no!" the physician snapped. "Qu-qu-quite the contrary. Tr-tr-try to take it qu-quietly. It's a girl."

STYLE

Two old friends met, and immediately found that they were equally devoted to motoring. After a discussion of their various cars, one bethought himself to ask concerning the other's wife, whom he had never seen. That lady was described by her husband, as follows:

"Nineteen-six model, limousine so to say, heavy tread, runs on low."

"Self-starter?"

"You bet!"

SUNDAY SCHOOL

The young lady worker for the Sunday school called on the newly wedded pair.

"I am endeavoring to secure new scholars," she explained. "Won't you send your children?"

When she was informed that there were no children in the family as yet, she continued brightly:

"But won't you please send them when you do have them?"

* * *

The Sunday-school teacher examined his new class.

"Who made the world?" he demanded. Nobody seemed to know. He repeated the question somewhat sternly. As the silence persisted, he frowned and spoke with increased severity:

"Children, I must know who made the world!"

Then, at last, a small boy piped up in much agitation:

"Oh, sir, please, sir, it wasn't me!"

SUPERMAN

It is told of Mrs. Gladstone that a number of ladies in her drawing-room once became engaged in earnest discussion of a difficult problem. It chanced that at the time the great prime minister was in his study upstairs. As the argument in the drawing-room became hopelessly involved, a devout lady of the company took advantage of a lull to say:

"Ah, well, there is One above Who knows it all."

Mrs. Gladstone beamed.

"Yes," she said proudly. "And William will be down directly to tell us all about it."

SUPERSTITION

The superstitious sporting editor of the paper condemned the "Horse Fair" by Rosa Bonheur.

"Just look at those white horses!" he exclaimed disgustedly. "And not a red-headed girl in sight."

SUSPENSE

The passionate lover wrote to his inamorata as follows:

"Adored of my soul:—If you love me, wear a red rose in your corsage to-night at the opera. If my devotion to you is hopeless, wear a white rose."

She wore a yellow rose.

SUSPICION

The eminent politicians of opposing parties met on a train, and during their chat discovered that they agreed concerning primaries.

"It is the first time," said one, "that we have ever agreed on a matter of public policy."

"That is so," the other assented. "The fact leads me to suspect that I am wrong, after all in this matter of the primaries."

SYMPATHY

A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sympathy of the housewife. After ringing the front door bell, he got on his knees, and began nibbling at the grass of the lawn. Presently the woman opened the door, and, in surprise at sight of him on all fours, asked what he was doing there.

The tramp got to his feet shakily, and made an eloquent clutch at his stomach as he explained:

"Dear madam, I am so hungry that like Nebuchadnezzar I just had to take to eatin' grass."

"Well, well, now ain't that too bad!" the woman cried. "You go right into the back yard—the grass there is longer."

TACT

The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of a woman at a reception in Washington, who upbraided him for that plurality of wives so dear to Mormon precept and practice.

"Alas, madam," the senator declared with a touch of sadness in his voice, "we are compelled in Utah to marry a number of wives."

His fair antagonist was frankly surprised.

"What do you mean?" she demanded.

The senator explained suavely:

"We have to seek there in several women the splendid qualities that here are to be found in one."

TALKING MACHINE

Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at home will be moved to profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a local news item of a country paper:

"Alice Jardine, a married woman, was charged with unlawfully wounding her husband, Charles Jardine, a laborer, by striking him with a pair of tongues."

TAR AND FEATHERS

The victim of the Klu Klux Klan plucked some feathers from his neck with one hand, while he picked gingerly at the tar on his legs with the other.

"The excitement," he murmured, "rose to a terrible pitch, but it soon came down."

TASTE

A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe of western Indians. On his return, he was asked concerning his experiences. One question was:

"Did you ever taste any dog-feast stew?"

"Yes," was the melancholy reply. "I tasted it twice—once when it went down, and once when it came up."

* * *

It's all a matter of taste, as the old lady said when she kissed the cow.

* * *

The master of the house was hungry at breakfast, and swallowed a good part of his bacon before he tasted it. Then he took time to protest violently to his wife against the flavor of the food. The good lady offered no apology, but rang for the servant. When the latter appeared, the mistress asked a question that was little calculated to soothe her husband.

"Maggie," she inquired serenely, "what did you do with the bacon we poisoned for the rats?"

TEARS

The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and she offered as a convincing argument:

"You know it makes little girls homely."

The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady, and then remarked:

"You must have cried an awful lot when you was young."

TENDER MEMORIES

"Please tell me, James," directed the young lady teacher, "where shingles were first used?"

"I could, ma'am," little Jimmie replied in great embarrassment, "but I'd rather not."

TERMINOLOGY

When the bishop was entertained at an English country house, the butler coached carefully the new boy who was to carry up the jug of hot water for shaving in the morning.

"When you knock," the butler explained, "and he asks, 'Who's there?' then you must say, 'It's the boy, my Lord.'"

The lad, in much nervous trepidation, duly carried up the hot water, but in answer to the bishop's query as to who was at the door, he announced:

"It's the Lord, my boy!"

The butler overheard and was horrified. He hammered into the youth's consciousness, the fact that a bishop must be addressed as my lord. Finally, he was satisfied that the boy understood, and permitted him to assist in serving the dinner that night. The youngster was sent to the bishop to offer a plate of cheese. With shaking knees, he presented the dish to the prelate, and faltered:

"My God, will you have some cheese?"

* * *

The master of the house returned from business somewhat early. He did not find his wife about, and so called downstairs to the cook:

"Bridget, do you know anything of my wife's whereabouts?"

"No, sor," Bridget answered, "Sure, I know nothin' but I'm thinkin', sor, it's likely they're in the wash."

TESTIMONY

Paul Smith, the famous hotel-keeper in the Adirondacks, told of a law suit that he had with a man named Jones in Malone.

"It was this way: I sat in the courtroom before the case opened with my witnesses around me. Then Jones bustled in. He stopped abruptly, and looked my witnesses over carefully. Presently he turned to me.

"'Paul,' he asked, 'are those your witnesses?'

"'They are,' I replied.

"'Then you win,' he exclaimed. 'I've had them witnesses twice myself.'"

* * *

The grateful woman on the farm in Arkansas wrote to the vendors of the patent medicine:

"Four weeks ago I was so run down that I could not spank the baby. After taking three bottles of your Elegant Elixir I am now able to thrash my husband in addition to my other housework. God bless you!"

* * *

In one of the most desolate areas of Montana, a claim was taken by a man from Iowa. The nearest neighbor, from twenty miles away, visited the homesteader's shack, and introduced himself.

"Where did you come from?" the visitor inquired presently, and when he had been told:

"I can't understand why anybody should want to get out of that civilized country to come and live in this lonesomeness."

"Fact was," the man from Iowa explained somberly, "I didn't exactly like it down there any more. You see, it was this way. They got to telling things about me. Why, they even said I was a liar and hoss thief, and no better than I ought to be. And, by Jemima, I jest pulled out and went right away from them scandalous folks."

"Well, I swan!" the visitor exclaimed indignantly. "You can bet I wouldn't leave a place for any reason like that. I'd make them prove what they said."

The homesteader sighed dismally as he answered:

"That's jest the trouble—they did prove it!"

THREAT

The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressed her little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist's chair as the ogre approached forceps in hand:

"Now, Letty, if you cry, I'll never take you to the dentist's again."

THRIFT

A Scotchman was questioned by a friend:

"Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister."

"Weel, Sanders," Mac replied, "I was near—veera near—doin' it, but the bit lassy had nae siller, so I said to meaself, 'Mac, be a mon.' And I was a mon, and noo I jist pass her by."

* * *

The thrifty housewife regarded her dying husband with stern disapproval as he moaned and tossed restlessly from side to side.

"William Henry," she rebuked him, "you jest needn't kick and squirm so, and wear them best sheets all out, even if you be a-dyin'."

TIME FLIES

The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours—first nine, then ten, then eleven. At the sound of twelve strokes, he burst forth passionately:

"How fleet are the hours in your presence, my beloved!"

"Don't be silly!" the girl chided. "That's pa setting the clock."

TIT FOR TAT

The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with a pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatly distressed, and reproached the farmer.

"Why didn't you use the other end of the fork," he demanded, "and just beat him off, without killing him?"

"I would have," the farmer answered, "if he had come at me with the other end."

TOBACCO

The native pointed with pride to two doddering ancients hobbling painfully down the village street, and informed the stranger:

"Them fellers is the Dusenbury twins—ninety-eight year old!" The visitor was duly impressed, and asked to what the pair of venerable citizens attributed their long life.

"It's kind o' which and t' other," the native confessed. "Obadiah declares its all along o' his chewin' an' smokin' an' snuffin' day in an' day out, fer nigh onto a hundred year; an' Ebenezer declares he has his health becase he never touched the filthy weed."

TOILETTE DETAILS

The little girl who had observed certain details in the toilette preparations of her elders, was observed by her mother at work over her most elaborate doll in a somewhat strange manner.

"Whatever are you trying to do with your doll, Mary?" the mother asked.

"I'm just going to put her to bed, mummy," the child replied seriously. "I've taken off her hair, but I can't get her teeth out."

TONGUE

An old lady in the London parish of the famous Doctor Gill made a nuisance of herself by constant interference in the affairs of others. As a gossip she was notorious. It appeared to her that the neckbands worn by the Doctor were longer than was fitting. She therefore took occasion to visit the clergyman, and harangued him at length on the sinfulness of pride. Then she exhibited a pair of scissors, and suggested that she should cut down the offending neckbands to a size fitting her ideas of propriety. The Doctor listened patiently to her exhortation, and at the end offered her the neckbands on which to work her will. She triumphantly trimmed them to her taste, and returned the shorn remnants to the minister.

"And now," said the Doctor, "you must do me a good turn also."

"That I will, Doctor," the woman declared heartily. "What can it be?"

"Well," the clergyman explained, "you have something about you which is a deal too long and which causes me and many others such trouble, that I should like to see it shorter."

"Indeed, dear Doctor, I shall not hesitate to gratify you. What is it? See, here are the scissors! Use them as you please."

"Come, then," said the Doctor, "good sister, put out your tongue."

TREACHERY

The Italian workman in the West was warned to look out for rattlesnakes. He was assured, however, that a snake would never strike until after sounding the rattles. One day, while seated on a log, eating his lunch, the Italian saw a rattlesnake coiled ready to strike. He lifted his legs carefully, with the intention of darting away on the other side of the log the moment the rattles should sound their warning. But just as his feet cleared the top of the log, the snake struck out and its fangs were buried in the wood only the fraction of an inch below the Italian's trousers. The frightened man fled madly, but he took breath to shriek over his shoulder:

"Son of a gun! Why you no ringa da bell?"

TREASURE TROVE

An old negro, who had almost attained the century mark, nearly blind, almost completely disabled, without friends, relations, or money, felt himself about to die, and stealthily made his way into a farmer's barn, where he burrowed into the haymow. But the farmer had observed the man's entrance, and after getting his shotgun, he hurried to the barn.

"I got you!" he cried savagely. "Dog gone you! I got you!"

The moribund derelict thrust his black face from the mow, and showed his toothless gums in a grin, as he answered:

"An' a great git you got!"

TRIAL

The colored man was before the court, accused of horse-stealing. The prosecuting attorney read the indictment sternly, and then asked:

"Are you guilty, or not guilty?"

The prisoner wriggled perplexedly, and then grinned propitiatingly as he said:

"Now, suh, boss, ain't dat perzakly de ting we'se done gwine diskiver in dis-yere trial?"

TRIPLETS

When the domestic event was due, the prospective father, being ordered out of the house, celebrated the occasion with many friends in a number of saloons. He celebrated so well that the clock was striking three in the morning when he entered the house. A nurse hurried to him, and undid some wrappings that revealed three tiny faces. The father stared reproachfully at the clock in the hall, and then, again regarding his group of children, spoke earnestly:

"Oi'm not superstitious, but Oi thank hivin Oi didn't come home at twelve!"

TRUTH-TELLERS

The little girl evidently appreciated the fact that all men and women are liars, for Punch records the following as the dialogue between her and her mother when she had been caught in a fib:

Mother: "It is very naughty to tell untruths, Kitty. Those who do so, never go to heaven."

Kitty: "Don't you ever tell an untruth, Mummy?"

Mother: "No, dear—never."

Kitty: "Well, you'll be fearfully lonely, won't you, with only George Washington?"

TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR

The woman lecturing on dress reform was greatly shocked when she read the report as published in the local paper. The writer had been innocent enough, for his concluding sentence was:

"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing that was remarkable."

But the merry compositor inserted a period, which was left undisturbed by the proofreader, so that the published statement ran:

"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing. That was remarkable."

* * *

The poet, in a fine frenzy, dashed off a line that was really superb:

"See the pale martyr in his sheet of fire."

The devilish compositor so tangled the words that, when the poem was published, this line read:

"See the pale martyr with his shirt on fire."

* * *

The critic, in his review of the burlesque, wrote:

"The ladies of Prince Charming's household troops filled their parts to perfection."

The compositor, in his haste, read an n for the r in the word parts, and the sentence, thus changed, radically in its significance, duly appeared in the morning paper.

VALUES

An American girl who married a Bavarian baron enjoyed playing Lady Bountiful among the tenants on her husband's estate. On the death of the wife of one of the cottagers, she called to condole with the bereaved widower. She uttered her formal expressions of sympathy with him in his grief over the loss of his wife, and she was then much disconcerted by his terse optimistic comment:

"But it's a good thing, your ladyship, that it wasn't the cow."

Wives are to be had for the asking; cows are not.

VANITY

The fair penitent explained to the confessor how greatly she was grieved by an accusing conscience. She bewailed the fact that she was sadly given over to personal vanity. She added that on this very morning she had gazed into her mirror and had yielded to the temptation of thinking herself beautiful.

"Is that all, my daughter?" the priest demanded.

"Then, my daughter," the confessor bade her, "go in peace, for to be mistaken is not to sin."

VICTORY

That celebrated statue, the Winged Victory, has suffered during the centuries to the extent of losing its head and other less vital parts. When the Irish tourist was confronted by this battered figure in the museum, and his guide had explained that this was the famous statue of victory, he surveyed the marble form with keen interest.

"Victory, is ut?" he said, "Thin, begorra, Oi'd loike to see the other fellow."

WAR

A report has come from Mexico concerning the doings of three revolutionary soldiers who visited a ranch, which was the property of an American spinster and her two nieces. The girls are pretty and charming, but the aunt is somewhat elderly and much faded, though evidently of a dauntless spirit. The three soldiers looked over the property and the three women, and then declared that they were tired of fighting, and had decided to marry the women and make their home on the ranch.

The two girls were greatly distressed and terrified, but even in their misery they were unselfish.

"We are but two helpless women," they said in effect, "and if we must, we bow to our cruel fate. But please—oh, please—spare our dear auntie. Do not marry her."

At this point, their old-maid relation spoke up for herself:

"Now, now, you girls—you mind your own business. War is war."

* * *

"How do countries come to go to war?" the little boy inquired, looking up from his book.

"For various reasons," explained the father. "Now, there was Germany and Russia. They went to war because the Russians mobilized."

"Not at all, my dear," the wife interrupted. "It was because the Austrians—"

"Tut, tut, my love!" the husband remonstrated. "Don't you suppose I know?"

"Certainly not—you are all wrong. It was because—"

"Mrs. Perkins, I tell you it was because—"

"Benjamin, you ought to know better, you have boggled—"

"Your opinion, madam, has not been requested in this matter."

"Shut up! I won't have my child mistaught by an ignoramus."

"Don't you dare, you impudent—"

"And don't you dare bristle at me, or I'll—"

"Oh, never mind!" the little boy intervened. "I think I know now how wars begin."

* * *

At our entry into the World War, a popular young man enlisted and before setting forth for camp in his uniform made a round of farewell calls. The girl who first received him made an insistent demand:

"You'll think of me every single minute when you're in those stupid old trenches!"

"Every minute," he agreed solemnly.

"And you'll kiss my picture every night."

"Twice a night," he vowed, with the girl's pretty head on the shoulder of the new uniform coat.

"And you'll write me long, long letters?" she pleaded.

"I'll write every spare minute," he assured her, "and if I haven't any spare minutes, I'll take 'em anyhow."

After a tender interval punctuated with similar ardent promises, he went away from there, and called on another girl. In fact, he called on ten separate and distinct pretty girls, and each of them was tender and sought his promises, which he gave freely and ardently and when it was all done with, he communed with himself somewhat sadly.

"I do hope," he said wearily, "there won't be much fighting to do over there—for I'm going to be awfully busy."

WEATHER

The old colored attendant at the court house had a formula for addressing the judge:

"What's the news this mawnin', Jedge?"

And the judge's habitual reply was to the effect that there was no news in particular.

But one morning, in answer to the usual query, there came a variation:

"Our country has declared war against Spain." The darky scratched his head thoughtfully, then rolled his eyes to squint at the cloudless blue of the sky, and finally remarked in a pleased tone:

"They shohly done picked a fine day fer it."

WHALES

At the time when petroleum began to be used instead of whale oil for burning in lamps, a kindly old lady was deeply perturbed by the change.

"What," she wanted to know, "will the poor whales do now?"

WHISKERS

An elderly man was on his way home by train from a session of three days at a convention of his political party. (This was antedating the era of prohibition.) The man's personal preferences had been gratified in the nominations at the convention, and he had celebrated in a way only too common in the bibulous period of our history. His absorption in other things and of other things had led him to neglect shaving throughout the three days. Now, as he chanced to move his hand over his chin, it encountered the long growth of white bristles, and he was aroused to a realization of his neglect. To determine just how badly he needed a shave, the elderly gentleman opened his handbag, and fumbled in it for a mirror. In his confused condition, he seized on a silver-backed hair-brush of the same set, pulled it forth, and held it up to his face with the bristles toward him. He studied these with great care, groaned and muttered:

"I look worse than I thought for. Whatever will Sarah Ann say!"

WIDOW

One of the ladies assembled at the club was describing the wedding she had just attended:

"And then, just as Frank and the widow started up the aisle to the altar, every light in the church went out."

The listeners exclaimed over the catastrophe.

"And what did the couple do then?" someone questioned.

"Kept on going. The widow knew the way."

* * *

A widow visited a spiritualistic medium, who satisfactorily produced the deceased husband for a domestic chat.

"Dear John," the widow questioned eagerly, "are you happy now?"

"I am very happy," the spook assured her.

"Happier than you were on earth with me?" the widow continued, greatly impressed.

"Yes," John asserted, "I am far happier now than I was on earth with you."

"Oh, do tell me, John," the widow cried rapturously, "what is it like in heaven?"

"Heaven!" the answer snapped. "I ain't in heaven!"

WIDOWHOOD

During the parade at the last encampment of the G.A.R., a woman in the crowd of spectators made herself not only conspicuous, but rather a nuisance by the way she carried on. She waved a flag with such vigor as to endanger the bystanders and yelled to deafen them. An annoyed man in the crowd after politely requesting her to moderate her enthusiasm, quite without effect, bluntly told her to shut up.

"Shut up yourself!" she retorted in high indignation. "If you had buried two husbands who had served in the war, you would be hurrahing, too."

WIFE

A young skeptic in the congregation once interrupted Billy Sunday with the question:

"Who was Cain's wife?"

The Evangelist answered in all seriousness:

"I honor every seeker after knowledge of the truth. But I have a word of warning for this questioner. Don't risk losing salvation by too much inquiring after other men's wives."

WILD WOMEN

The old sea captain was surrounded at the tea party, to which his wife had dragged him, much against his will, by a group of women pestering him for a story from his adventures. Finally, at the end of his patience, he began.

"Once, I was shipwrecked on the coast of South America, and there I came across a tribe of wild women, who had no tongues."

"Mercy!" exclaimed all the fair listeners with one voice. "But they couldn't talk."

"That," snapped the old sea captain, "was what made them wild."

WISDOM

It's a wise child that goes out of the room to laugh when the old man mashes his thumb.

WOMAN

A cynic, considering the fact that women was the last thing made by God, asserts that the product shows both His experience and His fatigue.

* * *

The following extract is from the diary of a New England woman who lived in the eighteenth century:

"We had roast pork for dinner and the Doctor, who carved, held up a rib on his fork, and said: 'Here, ladies, is what Mother Eve was made of.'"

"'Yes,' said sister Patty, 'and it is from very much the same kind of critter'."

* * *

The little girl reported at home what she had learned at Sunday School concerning the creation of Adam and Eve:

"The teacher told us how God made the first man and the first woman. He made the man first. But the man was very lonely with nobody to talk to him. So God put the man to sleep. And while the man was asleep, God took out his brains, and made a woman of them."

WOMAN SUFFRAGE

During the agitation in behalf of woman's suffrage, an ardent advocate pleaded with a tired-looking married woman, and said:

"Just think! Wouldn't you love to go with your husband to the voting place, and there cast your vote along with his?"

The woman shook her head decisively and she answered:

"For goodness sake! If there's one single thing that a man's able to do by himself, let him do it."