JOKES (continued 2)

"What's his name?" asked the statesman hopefully.

And the caddy replied:

"Arbuthnot-Joyce."

GRACE

The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, following the church service, the father called on his son to say grace. The boy was greatly embarrassed by the demand. Moreover, he was tired, not only from the excitement of the special service through which he had passed, but also from walking to and from the church, four miles away, and, too, he was very hungry indeed and impatient to begin the meal. Despite his protest, however, the father insisted.

So, at last, the little man folded his hands with a pious air, closed his eyes tight, bent his head reverently, and spoke his prayer:

"O Lord, have mercy on these victuals. Amen!"

* * *

The new clergyman in the country parish, during his visit to an old lady of his flock, inquired if she accepted the doctrine of Falling from Grace. The good woman nodded vigorously.

"Yes, sir," she declared with pious zeal, "I believe in it, and, praise the Lord! I practise it!"

GRAMMAR

The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from a window down the street was calling to the little girl minding baby brother close by on the curb.

"Your mother is calling you," she said kindly.

The little girl corrected the lady:

"Her ain't a-callin' we. Us don't belong to she."

* * *

The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to the Maypole dance. "No, I ain't going," was the reply.

The teacher corrected the child:

"You must not say, 'I ain't going,' you must say, 'I am not going.'" And she added to impress the point: "I am not going. He is not going. We are not going. You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear, can you say all that?"

The little girl nodded and smiled brightly.

"Sure!" she replied. "They ain't nobody going."

* * *

The witness, in answer to the lawyer's question, said:

"Them hain't the boots what was stole."

The judge rebuked the witness sternly:

"Speak grammatic, young man—speak grammatic! You shouldn't ought to say, 'them boots what was stole,' you should ought to say, 'them boots as was stealed.'"

GRASS

The auctioneer, offering the pasture lot for sale, waved his hand enthusiastically, pointed toward the rich expanse of herbage, and shouted:

"Now, then, how much am I offered for this field? Jest look at that grass, gentlemen. That's exactly the sort of grass Nebuchadnezzar would have given two hundred dollars an acre for."

GREED

An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued:

"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered."

The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added:

"Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."

"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.

"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.

The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.

GRIEF

At the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the evidences of frantic grief. He cried aloud heart-rendingly, and tore his hair. The other mourners had to restrain him from leaping into the open coffin.

The next day, a friend who had been at the wake encountered the widower on the street and spoke sympathetically of the great woe displayed by the man.

"Did you go to the cemetery for the burying?" the stricken husband inquired anxiously, and when he was answered in the negative, continued proudly: "It's a pity ye weren't there. Ye ought to have seen the way I cut up."

* * *

The old woman in indigent circumstances was explaining to a visitor, who found her at breakfast, a long category of trials and tribulations.

"And," she concluded, "this very morning, I woke up at four o'clock, and cried and cried till breakfast time, and as soon as I finish my tea I'll begin again, and probably keep it up all day."

HABIT

It was the bridegroom's third matrimonial undertaking, and the bride's second. When the clergyman on whom they had called for the ceremony entered the parlor, he found the couple comfortably seated. They made no effort to rise, so, as he opened the book to begin the service, he directed them, "Please, stand up."

The bridegroom looked at the bride, and the bride stared back at him, and then both regarded the clergyman, while the man voiced their decision in a tone that was quite polite, but very firm:

"We have ginerally sot."

* * *

It is a matter of common knowledge that there have been troublous times in Ireland before those of the present. In the days of the Land League, an Irish Judge told as true of an experience while he was holding court in one of the turbulent sections. When the jury entered the court-room at the beginning of the session, the bailiff directed them to take their accustomed places.... And every man of them walked forward into the dock.

HAIR

The school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned that the notorious Gorgon sisters had snakes for hair, chewed her gum thoughtfully as she commented:

"Tough luck to have to get out and grab a mess of snakes any time you want an extry puff."

HARD TO PLEASE

The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had taken his wife to the beach for a holiday scowled heavily at an amateur photographer, and rumbled in a threatening bass voice:

"What the blazes d'ye mean, photographin' my wife? I saw ye when ye done it."

The man addressed cringed, and replied placatingly:

"You're mistaken, really! I wouldn't think of doing such a thing."

"Ye wouldn't, eh?" the surly husband growled, still more savagely. "And why not? I'd like to know. She's the handsomest woman on the beach."

HASTE

The colored man was condemned to be hanged, and was awaiting the time set for execution in a Mississippi jail. Since all other efforts had failed him, he addressed a letter to the governor, with a plea for executive clemency. The opening paragraph left no doubt as to his urgent need:

"Dear Boss: The white folks is got me in dis jail fixin' to hang me on Friday mornin' and here it is Wednesday already."

HEARSAY

The convicted feudist was working for a pardon. It was reported to him that the opposing clan was pulling wires against him, and spreading false reports concerning him. He thereupon wrote a brief missive to the governor:

"Deer guvner, if youve heared wat ive heared youve heared youve heared a lie."

HEAVEN

The clergyman in the following story probably did not mean exactly what he said, though, human nature being what it is, maybe it was true enough.

A parishioner meeting the parson in the street inquired:

"When do you expect to see Deacon Jones again?"

"Never, never again!" the minister declared solemnly. "The deacon is in heaven!"

HELP

The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who chanced along inquired:

"How's that new hand o' your'n?"

"Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand—he's a sore thumb."

* * *

A savage old boar got into a garden, and was doing much damage. When two men tried to drive it out, the animal charged. One of the two climbed a tree, the other dodged, and laid hold on the boar's tail. He hung on desperately, and man and beast raced wildly round and round the tree. Finally, the man shouted between gasps:

"For heaven's sake, Bill, climb down here, and help me leggo this ornery old hog!"

HELPFULNESS

Many a mayor is a friend to the people—just like his honor in the following story.

A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar in a small city, and explained himself and his business there as follows:

"My name is O'Rafferty. And my cellar is full of wather, and my hins will all be drowned intirely if it ain't fixed. And I'm here to inform yez that I'm wantin' it fixed."

It was explained to the complainant that the remedy for his need must be sought at the office of the mayor, and he therefore departed to interview that official.

After an interval of a few days, O'Rafferty made a second visit to the office of the registrar.

"Sure, and I've come agin to tell yez that my cellar is now fuller of water than ever it was before. And I'm tellin' yez that I want it fixed, and I'm a man that carries votes in my pocket."

The registrar again explained that he was powerless in the matter, and that the only recourse must be to the mayor.

"The mayor is ut!" O'Rafferty snorted. "Sure and didn't I see the mayor? I did thot! And what did the mayor say to me? Huh! he said, 'Mr. O'Rafferty, why don't you keep ducks?'"

HEN

The customer asked for fresh eggs, and the clerk in the London shop said:

"Them are fresh which has a hen on 'em."

"But I don't see any hen."

The clerk explained patiently.

"Not the fowl, mum, but the letter hen. Hen stands for noo-laid."

HEREAFTER

This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy:

"What are you bawling about, Jimmie?"

"I'm cryin' because maw has wented to heaven."

"That's silly. Maybe she hain't."

* * *

Little Alice questioned her mother concerning heaven, and seemed pleased to be assured that she would have wings and harp and crown.

"And candy, too, mamma?"

The mother shook her head.

"Anyhow," Alice declared, "I'm tickled we have such a fine doctor."

HEREDITY

The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to excite the jealousy of her little daughter.

"How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the child teasingly.

The girl replied, rather maliciously, perhaps:

"He looks just like his muvver."

HIGH PRICES

Two men were talking together in the Public Library. One of them said:

"The dime novel has gone. I wonder where it's gone to?"

The other, who knew something of literature in its various phases, answered cynically:

"It's gone up to a dollar and ninety cents."

HINDSIGHT

Mike, the hod-carrier, was still somewhat fuddled when he arose Monday morning, with the result that he put on his overalls wrong side to; with the further result, that he was careless while mounting the ladder later with a load of bricks, and fell to the ground. As he raised himself into a sitting position, a fellow workman asked solicitously:

"Are yez kilt intoirly, Mike?"

Mike, with drooping head, stared down dully at the seat of his overalls, and shook his head.

"No," he declared in a tone of awe, "I'm not kilt, but I'm terrible twisted."

* * *

A rustic visitor to the city made a desperate run for the ferry boat as it was leaving the slip. He made a mighty leap, and covered the intervening space, then fell sprawling to the deck, where he lay stunned for about two minutes. At last he sat up feebly, and stared dazedly over the wide expanse of water between boat and shore.

"Holy hop-toads!" he exclaimed in a tone of profound awe. "What a jump!"

HINTING

A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device for dunning delinquent subscribers to the paper:

"There i$ a little matter that $ome of our $ub$criber$ have $eemingly forgotten entirely. $ome of them have made u$ many promi$e$, but have not kept them. To u$ it i$ a very important matter—it'$ nece$$ary in our bu$me$$. We are very mode$t and don't like to $peak about $uch remi$$ne$$."

HISTORY

The faculty were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed that the harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It was proposed that history should have the final place. The woman teacher of that subject protested:

"But it is certainly one of the easiest subjects," the head of the faculty declared.

The young woman shook her head, and spoke firmly:

"Not the way I teach it. Indeed, according to my method, it is a very difficult study, and most perplexing."

* * *

Down in Virginia, near Yorktown, lived an aged negro whose proud boast was that he had been the body servant of George Washington. As he was very old indeed, no one could disprove his claims, and he made the most of his historical pretentions. He was full of anecdotes concerning the Father of His Country, and exploited himself in every tale. His favorite narrative was of the capture of Lord Cornwallis by his master, which was as follows:

"Yassuh, it were right on dis yere road, jest over dar by de fo'ks. Gen'l Washin'ton, he knowed dat ole Co'nwallis, he gwine pass dis way, an' 'im an' me, we done hid behin' de bushes an' watched. Yassuh, an' when ole Co'nwallis, he come by, Gen'l Washin'ton, he jumped out at 'im, an' he grab 'im by de collah, an' he say, 'Yoh blame' ole rascal, dat de time what Ah done gone cotch ye!"

HOGS

The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on which they had passed the previous summer, because they had been somewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally, the professor wrote to the farmer and explained the objectionable feature. He received the following reply:

"We hain't had no hogs on the place since you was here last summer. Be sure to come."

HOLDING HIS OWN

The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony farm, announced to all and sundry:

"Anyhow, I'm holdin' my own. I hadn't nothin' when I come here, an' I haven't nothin' now."

HOME BREW

The young man had offered his heart and hand to the fair damsel.

"Before giving you my decision," she said sweetly, "I wish to ask you a question." Then, as he nodded assent: "Do you drink anything?"

The young man replied without an instant of hesitation and proudly:

"Anything!"

And she fell into his arms.

HOMESICKNESS

One of our volunteers in the late war lost some of his first enthusiasm under the bitter experience of campaigning. One night at the front in France, while his company was stationed in a wood, a lieutenant discovered the recruit sitting on a log and weeping bitterly. The officer spoke roughly:

"Now, what are you bawling about, you big baby?"

"I wish I was in my daddy's barn!" replied the soldier in a plaintive voice.

"In your daddy's barn!" the astonished lieutenant exclaimed. "What for? What would you do if you were in your daddy's barn?"

"If I was in my daddy's barn," the youth explained huskily through a choking sob, "I'd go into the house mighty quick!"

HONEYMOON

The newly married pair were stopping in a hotel. The bride left the groom in their room while she went out on a brief shopping expedition. She returned in due time, and passed along the hotel corridor to the door, on which she tapped daintily.

"I'm back, honey—let me in," she murmured with wishful tenderness. But there was no answer vouchsafed to her plea. She knocked a little more firmly, and raised her voice somewhat to call again:

"Honey, honey—it's Susie! Let me in!"

Thereupon a very cold masculine voice sounded through the door:

"Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom!"

HONORABLE INTENTIONS

A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father thought it time for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the father interviewed him:

"Clinton, you've been settin' up with Nellie, an' takin' her to picnics, an' to church an' buggy-ridin', an' nothin's come of it. So, now, Clinton, I ask you, as man to man, what be your intentions?"

And Clinton responded unabashed:

"Well, answerin' you as man to man, I'll say there hain't no cause for you to ruffle your shirt. My intentions is honorable—but remote."

HOSPITAL

Little Mary, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found that an operation was necessary for the child's cure, and that she must go to the hospital. The mother promised that if she would be very brave during this time of trial she should have the very finest kitten to be found.

As Mary was coming out from the influence of the anesthetic, the nurse heard her muttering, and stooping, heard these words:

"It's a bum way to get a cat."

HOSPITALITY

The good wife apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple pie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly away from the table for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled in recognition of the lad's thoughtfulness, popped the cheese into his mouth, and then remarked:

"You must have sharper eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find it?"

The boy replied with a flush of pride:

"In the rat-trap."

HUMBUG

Two boys once thought to play a trick on Charles Darwin. They took the body of a centipede, the wings of a butterfly, the legs of a grasshopper and the head of a beetle, and glued these together to form a weird monster. With the composite creature in a box, they visited Darwin.

"Please, sir, will you tell us what sort of a bug this is?" the spokesman asked.

The naturalist gave a short glance at the exhibit and a long glance at the boys.

"Did it hum?" he inquired solemnly.

The boys replied enthusiastically, in one voice:

"Oh, yes, sir."

"Well, then," Darwin declared, "it is a humbug."

HUMIDITY

The little boy had been warned repeatedly against playing on the lawn when it was damp. Saturday evening, his father heard him recite a Scripture verse learned for the Sunday school.

"'Put off thy shoes from they feet, for the ground whereon thou standest is——'" He halted at a loss.

"Is what, my boy?" asked the father.

"Is damp."

HUMILITY

The slow suitor asked:

"Elizabeth, would you like to have a puppy?"

"Oh, Edward," the girl gushed, "how delightfully humble of you. Yes, dearest, I accept."

HUNGER

"That woman never turns away a hungry man."

"Ah, genuinely charitable!"

"Hardly that. She says, 'Are you so hungry you want to saw some wood for a dinner?' And the answer is, 'No.'"

HUNTING

An amateur sportsman spent the day with dog and gun, but brought home no game. A friend twitted him with his failure:

"Didn't you shoot anything at all?"

The honest fellow nodded miserably.

"I shot my dog."

"Why?" his questioner demanded. "Was he mad?"

The sportsman shook his head doubtfully.

"Not exactly mad," he asserted; "and not so darned tickled neither!"

IDENTITY

The paying teller told mournfully of his experience with a strange woman who appeared at his wicket to have a check cashed.

"But, madam," he advised her, "you will have to get some one to introduce you before I can pay you the money on this check."

The woman stared at him disdainfully.

"Sir!" she said haughtily. "I wish you to understand that I am here strictly on business. I am not making a social call. I do not care to know you."

IDIOMS

The foreigner, who prided himself on his mastery of colloquial expressions in English, was speaking of the serious illness of a distinguished statesman.

"It would be a great pity," he declared, "if such a splendid man should kick the ghost."

* * *

The old man told how his brother made a hazardous descent into a well by standing in the bucket while those above operated the windlass.

"And what happened?" one of the listeners asked as the aged narrator paused.

The old man stroked his beard, and spoke softly, in a tone of sorrowing reminiscence:

"He kicked the bucket."

ILLUSTRATION

Pat was set to work with the circular saw during his first day at the saw mill. The foreman gave careful instructions how to guard against injury, but no sooner was his back turned than he heard a howl from the novice, and, on turning, he saw that Pat had already lost a finger.

"Now, how did that happen?" the foreman demanded.

"Sure," was the explanation, "I was jist doin' like this when,—bejabers, there's another gone!"

IMPATIENCE

An acquaintance encountered in the village inquired of Farmer Jones concerning his wife, who was seriously ill. That worthy scowled and spat, and finally answered in a tone of fretful dejection:

"Seems like Elmiry's falin' drefful slow. Dinged if I don't wish as how she'd git well, or somethin'."

IMPUDENCE

The ice on the river was in perfect condition. A small boy, with his skates on his arm, knocked at the door of the Civil War veteran, who had lost a leg at Antietam. When the door was opened by the old man, the boy asked:

"Are you going out to-day, sir?"

"Well, no, I guess not, sonny," was the answer. "Why?"

"If you ain't," the boy suggested, "I thought I might like to borrow your wooden leg to play hockey."

INDIRECTION

The bashful suitor finally nerved himself to the supreme effort:

"Er—Jenny, do you—think—er—your mother might—er—seriously consider—er—becoming my—er-mother-in-law?"

INHERITANCE

A lawyer made his way to the edge of the excavation where a gang was working, and called the name of Timothy O'Toole.

"Who's wantin' me?" inquired a heavy voice.

"Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer asked, "did you come from Castlebar, County Mayo?"

"I did that."

"And your mother was named Bridget and your father Michael?"

"They was."

"It is my duty, then," said the lawyer, "to inform you, Mr. O'Toole, that your Aunt Mary has died in Iowa, leaving you an estate of sixty thousand dollars."

There was a short silence below, and then a lively commotion.

"Are you coming, Mr. O'Toole?" the lawyer called down.

"In wan minute," was bellowed in answer. "I've just stopped to lick the foreman."

It required just six months of extremely riotous living for O'Toole to expend all of the sixty thousand dollars. His chief endeavor was to satisfy a huge inherited thirst.

Then he went back to his job. And there, presently, the lawyer sought him out again.

"It's your Uncle Patrick, this time, Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer explained. "He has died in Texas, and left you forty thousand dollars."

O'Toole leaned heavily on his pick, and shook his head in great weariness.

"I don't think I can take it," he declared. "I'm not as strong as I wance was, and I misdoubt me that I could go through all that money and live."

* * *

In a London theatre, a tragedy was being played. The aged king tottered to and fro on the stage as he declaimed:

"On which one of my two sons shall I bestow the crown?"

A voice came down from the gallery:

"Hi saye, guv'nor, myke it 'arf a crown apiece."

* * *

Said one Tommy to another:

"That's a snortin' pipe, Bill. Where'd you happen on it?"

"It was pussonal property of a Boche what tried to take me prisoner," was the answer. "Inherited it from him."

INITIATIVE

The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her particular chum. Her mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying:

"It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Jenny's hair."

"I shouldn't be surprised," the child replied musingly. "But," she added proudly, "kicking her in the shins was entirely my own idea."

INJUSTICE

The child sat by the road bawling loudly. A passer-by asked him what was the matter.

"My ma, she's gone and drowned the kittens," the boy wailed.

"Oh, isn't that too bad!" was the sympathetic response.

The child bawled the louder.

"An' ma she promised me that I could drown 'em."

INNOCENCE

A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery with the door closed and fastened when her little brother arrived and expressed a desire to come in. The following was the dialogue:

"I wants to tum in, Sissy."

"But you tan't tum in, Tom."

"But I wants to."

"Well, I'se in my nightie gown an' nurse says little boys mus'n't see little girls in their nightie gowns."

There was a period of silence during which the astonished little boy reflected on the mystery. It was ended by Sissy's calling out:

"You tan tum in now, Tom—I tooked it off."

* * *

The very young clergyman made his first parochial call. He tried to admire the baby, and asked how old it was.

"Just ten weeks old," the proud mother replied.

And the very young clergyman inquired interestedly:

"And is it your youngest?"

INQUISITIVENESS

In the smoking car, one of the passengers had an empty coatsleeve. The sharer of his seat was of an inquisitive turn, and after a vain effort to restrain his curiosity, finally hemmed and hawed, and said:

"I beg pardon, sir, but I see you've lost an arm."

The one-armed man picked up the empty sleeve in his remaining hand, and felt of it with every evidence of astonishment.

"Bless my soul!" he exclaimed. "I do believe you're right."

* * *

The curiosity of the passenger was excited by the fact that his seatmate had his right arm in a sling, and the following dialogue occurred:

"You broke your arm, didn't you?"

"Well, yes, I did."

"Had an accident, I suppose?"

"Not exactly. I did it in trying to pat myself on the back."

"My land! On the back! Now, whatever did you want to pat yourself on the back for?"

"Just for minding my own business."

INSOMNIA

The man suffering from insomnia quite often makes a mistake in calling the doctor, when what he needs is the preacher.

INSULT

The young wife greeted her husband tearfully on his return from the day's work.

"Oh, Willie, darling," she gasped, "I have been so insulted!"

"Insulted!" Willie exclaimed wrathfully. "Insulted by whom?"

"By your mother!" the wife declared, and sobbed aloud.

The husband was aghast, but inclined to be skeptical.

"By my mother, Ella? Why, dearest, that's nonsense. She's a hundred miles away."

"But she did," the wife insisted. "A letter came to you this morning, and it was addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I opened it."

"Oh, yes, of course," Willie agreed, without any enthusiasm.

"And it was written to you all the whole way through, every word of it, except——"

"Except what?"

"Except the postscript," the wife flared. "That was the insult—that was to me." The tears flowed again. "It said: 'P. S.—Dear Ella, don't fail to give this letter to Willie. I want him to read it.'"

* * *

Tom Corwin was remarkable for the size of his mouth. He claimed that he had been insulted by a deacon of his church.

"When I stood up in the class meeting, to relate my experience," Corwin explained, "and opened my mouth, the Deacon rose up in front and said, 'Will some brother please close that window, and keep it closed!'"

INSURANCE

The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the costs, amounts paid, etc.

"So," she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay me a thousand if my house burns down. But do you ask questions about how the fire came to start?"

"We make careful investigation, of course," the agent replied.

The woman flounced toward the door disgustedly.

"Just as I thought," she called over her shoulder. "I knew there was a catch in it."

INTERMISSION

During a lecture, Artemas Ward once startled the crowd of listeners by announcing a fifteen-minute intermission. After contemplating the audience for a few minutes, he relieved their bewilderment by saying:

"Meanwhile, in order to pass the time, we will proceed with the lecture."

INVENTORS

The profiteer, skimming over the advertisements in his morning paper, looked across the damask and silver and cut glass at his wife, and remarked enviously:

"These inventors make the money. Take cleaners, now, I'll bet that feller Vacuum has cleared millions."

ITEMS

The painter was required to render an itemized bill for his repairs on various pictures in a convent. The statement was as follows:

Corrected and renewed the Ten Commandments 6.00

Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new ribbon on his bonnet 3.06

Put a new tail on the rooster of St. Peter and mended his bill 4.08

Put a new nose on St. John the Baptist and straightened his eye 2.06

Replumed and gilded the left wing of the Guardian Angel 5.06

Washed the servant of the High Priest and put carmine on his cheeks 2.04

Renewed Heaven, adjusted ten stars, gilded the sun and cleaned the moon 8.02

Reanimated the flames of Purgatory and restored some souls 3.06

Revived the flames of Hell, put a new tail on the devil, mended his left hoof and did several odd jobs for the damned 4.10

Put new spatter-dashes on the son of Tobias and dressing on his sack 2.00

Rebordered the robe of Herod and readjusted his wig 3.07

Cleaned the ears of Balaam's ass, and shod him 2.08

Put earrings in the ears of Sarah 5.00

Put a new stone in David's sling, enlarged Goliath's hand and extended his legs 2.00

Decorated Noah's Ark 1.20

Mended the shirt of the Prodigal Son, and cleaned the 1.00

———

53.83

JOKES

The joke maker's association had a feast. They exploited their humorous abilities, and all made merry, save one glum guest. At last, they insisted that this melancholy person should contribute to the entertainment. He consented, in response to much urging, to offer a conundrum:

"What is the difference between me and a turkey?"

When none could guess the answer, the glum individual explained:

"I am alive. They stuff turkeys with chestnuts after they are dead."

KINSHIP

The urchin was highly excited, and well he might be when we consider his explanation:

"They got twins up to sisters. One twin, he's a boy, an' one twin, she's a girl, an' so I'm a uncle an' a aunt."

* * *

The Southern lady interrogated her colored cook, Matilda, concerning a raid made on the chicken-house during the night.

"You sleep right close to the chicken-house, Matilda, and it seems to me you must have heard the noise when those thieves were stealing the chickens."

"Yes, ma'am," Matilda admitted, with an expression of grief on her dusky features. "I heerd de chickens holler, an' I heerd the voices ob de men."

"Then why didn't you go out and stop them?" the mistress demanded.

Matilda wept.

"Case, ma'am," she exclaimed, "I know'd my old fadder was dar, an' I wouldn't hab him know I'se los' confidence in him foh all de chickens in de world. If I had gone out dar an' kotched him, it would have broke his ole heart, an', besides, he would hab made me tote de chickens home foh him."

KISSES

The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony:

"Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?"

The clergyman might have replied:

"Not yet, but soon."

* * *

The young man addressed the old grouch:

"When a fellow has taken a girl to a show, and fed her candy, and given her supper, and taken her home in a taxi, shouldn't she let a fellow kiss her good-night?"

The old grouch snorted.

"Humph! He's already done more than enough for her."

KISSING

The subject of kissing was debated with much earnestness for a half hour between the girl and her young man caller. The fellow insisted that it was always possible for a man to kiss a girl at will, whether she chose to permit it or not. The maiden was firm in maintaining that such was not the case. Finally, it was decided that the only solution of the question must be by a practical demonstration one way or the other. So, they tried it. They clinched, and the battle was on. After a lively tussle, they broke away. The girl had been kissed—ardently for a period of minutes. Her comment showed an undaunted spirit:

"Oh, well, you really didn't win fair. My foot slipped ... Let's try it again."

* * *

The tiny boy fell down and bumped his head. His Uncle Bill picked the child up, with the remark:

"Now I'll kiss it, and the pain will all be gone."

The youngster recovered his smiles under the treatment, and then, as he was set down, addressed his uncle eagerly:

"Come down in the kitchen—the cook has the toothache."

* * *

Some Scottish deacons were famous, if not notorious, for the readiness with which they could expound any passage of Scripture. It is recorded of a certain elder that as he read and commented on the thirty-fourth Psalm, he misread the sentence, "Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile." He carelessly read the last two words: "squeaking girls." But the astonishing phrase did not dismay him in the least, or cause him to hesitate in his exegesis. He expounded instantly and solemnly:

"It is evident from this passage, my brethren, that the Scripture does not absolutely forbid kissing, but, as in Christianity everything is to be done decently and in order, we are here encouraged by this passage to choose rather those girls that take it quietly, in preference to those that squeak under the operation."

LAUGHTER

Josh Billings said:

"Laff every time yu pheel tickled—and laff once in a while enny how."

LAW

The lawyer explained to the client his scale of prices:

"I charge five dollars for advising you as to just what the law permits you to do. For giving you advice as to the way you can safely do what the law forbids, my minimum fee is one hundred dollars."

LAWYERS

There was a town jail, and there was a county jail. The fact was worth forty dollars to the lawyer who was approached by an old darky in behalf of a son languishing in duress. The lawyer surveyed the tattered client as he listened, and decided that he would be lucky to obtain a ten-dollar fee. He named that amount as necessary to secure the prisoner's release. Thereupon, the old colored man drew forth a large roll of bills, and peeled off a ten. The lawyer's greedy eyes popped.

"What jail is your son in?" he inquired craftily.

"In the county jail."

"In the county jail!" was the exclamation in a tone of dismay. "That's bad—very bad. It will cost you at least fifty dollars."

* * *

Some physicians direct their patients to lie always on the right side, declaring that it is injurious to the health to lie on both sides. Yet, lawyers as a class enjoy good health.

LEGERDEMAIN

"What did you do last night?"

"I went to a slight-of-hand performance. Called on Laura Sears, and offered her my hand, and she slighted it."

LENT

"Did you give up anything during Lent?" one man asked another.

"Yes," was the reply, uttered with a heavy sigh. "I gave up fifty dollars for a new Easter bonnet."

LIARS

The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscences of old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that furloughs were especially difficult to obtain when the Union army was in front of Petersburg, Virginia. But a certain Irishman was resolved to get a furlough in spite of the ban. He went to the colonel's tent, and was permitted to enter. He saluted, and delivered himself thus:

"Colonel, I've come to ax you to allow me the pleasure of a furlough for a visit home. I've been in the field now three years, an' never home yet to see me family. An' I jest had a letter from me wife wantin' av me to come home to see her an' the children."

The colonel shook his head decisively.

"No, Mike," he replied. "I'm sorry, but to tell the truth, I don't think you ought to go home. I've jest had a letter from your wife myself. She doesn't want you to come home. She writes me that you'd only get drunk, and disgrace her and the children. So you'd better stay right here until your term of service expires."

"All right, sir," Mike answered, quite cheerfully. He saluted and went to the door of the tent. Then he faced about.

"Colonel dear," he inquired in a wheedling voice, "would ye be after pardonin' me for a brief remark jist at this toime?"

"Yes, certainly," the officer assented.

"Ye won't git mad an' put me in the guard house for freein' me mind, so to spake?"

"No, indeed! Say what you wish to."

"Well, thin, Colonel darlint, I'm afther thinkin' thar are at the prisint moment in this tint two of the biggest liars in all the Army of the Potomic, an' sure I'm one av thim—I have no wife."

LIES

A certain famous preacher when preaching one Sunday in the summer time observed that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, then, he paused, and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an incident that had no connection whatever with his sermon. This was to the following effect:

"I was once riding along a country road. I came to the house of a farmer, and halted to observe one of the most remarkable sights I have ever seen. There was a sow with a litter of ten little pigs. This sow and each of her offspring had a long curved horn growing out of the forehead between the ears."

The clergyman again paused, and ran his eye over the congregation. Everybody was now wide-awake. He thereupon remarked:

"Behold how strange! A few minutes since, when I was telling you the truth, you went to sleep. But now when you have heard a whopping lie, you are all wide-awake."

LIGHTNING

The woman was strong-minded, and she was religious, and she was also afflicted with a very feminine fear of thunder storms. She was delivering an address at a religious convention when a tempest suddenly broke with din of thunder and flare of lightning. Above the noise of the elements, her voice was heard in shrill supplication:

"O Lord, take us under Thy protecting wings, for Thou knowest that feathers are splendid non-conductors."

LISP

The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil:

"Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?"

"Yeth, ma'am," Jennie replied, beaming. "A panther ith a man who makes panth."

LITERAL

The class had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state what was really in them. The star production from this command was a composition written by a boy who was both sincere and painstaking. It ran as follows:

"I shall not attempt any flites of fancy, but wright just what is really in me. In me there is my stommick, lungs, liver, two apples, two cakes and my dinner."

LITERALNESS

The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of the village, and inquired:

"Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?"

"Yep," the store-keeper answered briskly, "life-preservers, invalid cushions, funeral wreaths, doughnuts, an' sich."

LOGIC

The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden. She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed.

"Why, what's the matter, little lamb?" she asked tenderly.

"I'm finkin, muvver," the boy answered.

"What about, little man?"

"Have gooseberries any legs, muvver?"

"Why, no! Of course not, dear."

The perplexity passed from the little boy's face, but the expression of trouble deepened, as he spoke again:

"Then, muvver, I fink I've swallowed a catapillar."

LOQUACITY

The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen holes without a word exchanged between them. As they came to the eighteenth green, Sandy surveyed the lie, and muttered:

"Dormie."

Quoth Tammas, with a snarl:

"Chatter-r-rbox!"

LOVE

The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and love:

"Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just two fool things after each other."

LOVE ME, LOVE ME NOT

The little girl came in tears to her mother.

"God doesn't love me," she sobbed.

"Of course, God loves you," the mother declared. "How did you ever come to get such an idea?"

"No," the child persisted, "He doesn't love me. I know—I tried Him with a daisy."

LUCK

The pessimist quoted from his own experience at poker in illustration of the general cussedness of things:

"Frequent, I have sot in a poker game, and it sure is queer how things will turn out. I've sot hour after hour in them games, without ever takin' a pot. And then, 'long about four o'clock in the mornin', the luck'd turn—it'd take a turn for the worse."

* * *

"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very expensive restaurant.

"Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that small piece of potato, and there it was!"

* * *

The new reporter wrote his concluding paragraph concerning the murder as follows:

"Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money in the bank the day before. He lost practically nothing but his life."

* * *

The editor of the country paper went home to supper, smiling radiantly.

"Have you had some good luck?" his wife questioned.

"Luck! I should say so. Deacon Tracey, who hasn't paid his subscription for ten years, came in and stopped his paper."

LUNACY

The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a man fishing from the bank of the river that ran close by. It was raining hard, which cooled the fevered brow of the lunatic and enabled him to think with great clearness. In consequence, he called down to the drenched fisherman:

"Caught anything?"

The man on the bank looked up, and shook his head glumly.

"How long you been there?" the lunatic next demanded.

"Three hours," was the answer.

The lunatic grinned hospitably, and called down an invitation:

"Come inside!"

LUXURY

The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gave his body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions:

"Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake me up, and say, 'Time for the parade, sir.'

"Then, I'll say, 'Damn the parade!' and turn over and go to sleep again."

LYING

The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring:

"I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving town to-day for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the train and pay him the money."

"You are excused," the judge announced in a very cold voice. "I don't want anybody on the jury who can lie like you."

* * *

The tender young mother detected her baby boy in a deliberate lie. With tears in her eyes, and a catch in her voice, she sought to impress upon him the enormity of his offense.

"Do you know," she questioned severely, "what happens to little boys who tell falsehoods?"

The culprit shook his head in great distress, and the mother explained carefully:

"Why, a great big black man, with horns on his head and one eye in the center of his forehead, comes along and grabs the little boy who has told a falsehood, and flies with him up to the moon, and keeps him there sifting ashes all the rest of his life. You won't ever tell another falsehood, will you, darling? It's wicked!"

Mother's baby boy regarded the speaker with round-eyed admiration.

"Oh, ma," he gurgled, "what a whopper!"

MAIDENS

"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante.

"I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many men you're going to marry."

MAIDEN SPEECH

The unhappy man explained the cause of his wretchedness:

"I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner at the club they insisted on my making some remarks, and I got up, and began like this:

"As I was sitting on my thought, a seat struck me."

MANNERS

It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a reception in the Royal Palace in Berlin he rudely jostled a high dignitary of the Italian church. In answer to the prelate's expression of annoyance, the Prince drew himself haughtily erect, and said, "I am Herbert Bismarck."

"Ah," replied the churchman, "that fact is perhaps an apology; certainly, it is a complete explanation."

* * *

The tenderfoot in the Western town asked for coffee and rolls at the lunch counter. He was served by the waitress, and there was no saucer for the cup.

"What about the saucer?" he asked.

The girl explained:

"We don't hand out saucers no more. We found, if we did, like's not, some low-brow would drift in an' drink out of the saucer, an' that ain't good fer trade. This here is a swell dump."

* * *

After treading rather heavily on her foot, the man in the street car made humble apology to the woman. She listened in grim silence, and, when he had made an end, spoke very much to the point:

"That's it! Walk all over a body's feet, an' then blat about how sorry you be. Well, I jest want you to understand that if I wasn't a puffick lady, I'd slap your dirty face!"

MARKSMANSHIP

During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor in the town had done celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizens pounded on the doctor's door, until he thrust his head out of a window.

"Whazzamazzer?" he called down.

"Comea-runnin', Doc. Joe Jinks's been shot."

"Whereabouts shot?"

"In the laig."

"Some shootin'!" And the doctor slammed the window shut.

MARRIAGE

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

* * *

The mild little husband was appealing to the court for protection from the large, bony belligerent and baleful female who was his wife.

"Let us begin at the beginning," said the judge. "Where did you first meet this woman who has thus abused you?"

The little man shuddered, and looked everywhere except at his wife as he replied:

"I never did, so to say, meet up with her. She jest naturally overtook me."

* * *

An African newspaper recently carried the following advertisement:

Wanted Small nicely furnished house, nice locality, from August 1st, for nearly married couple.

* * *

The solemn ceremony of marriage was being performed for the blushing young bride and the elderly gentleman who had been thrice widowed. There was a sound of loud sobs from the next room. The guests were startled, but a member of the bridegroom's family explained:

"That's only our Jane. She always cries when Pa is gettin' married."

* * *

The mistress was annoyed by the repeated calls of a certain negro on her colored cook.

"You told me," she protested to the cook, "that you had no man friends. But this fellow is in the kitchen all the time."

"Dat nigger, he hain't no friend o' mine," the cook declared scornfully. "Him, he's jes' my 'usban'."

* * *

Deacon Gibbs explained why he had at last decided to move into town in spite of the fact that he had always declared himself a lover of life in the country. But his explanation was clear and conclusive.

"My third wife, Mirandy, she don't like the country, an' what Mirandy she don't like, I jist nacherly hev to hate."

* * *

The wife suggested to her husband that he should pay back to her the dollar he had borrowed the week before.

"But," the husband protested indignantly, "I've already paid that dollar back to you twice! You can't expect me to pay it again!"

"Oh, very well," the wife retorted with a contemptuous sniff, "never mind, since you are as mean as that."

* * *

The very youthful son of a henpecked father was in a gloomy mood, rebellious against the conditions of his life. He announced a desperate purpose:

"I'm going to get married. I'm bossed by pa an ma, an' teacher, an' I ain't going to stan' for it. I'm going to get married right smack off. A married man ain't bossed by nobody 'cept his wife."

* * *

The woman was six feet tall and broad and brawny in proportion. The man was a short five feet, anemic and wobegone. The woman haled him before the justice of the peace with a demand that he marry her or go to jail.

"Did you promise to marry this lady?" the justice asked.

"Guilty, your honor," was the answer.

The justice turned to the woman: "Are you determined to marry this man?"

"I am!" she snapped.

"Join hands," the justice commended. When they had done so he raised his own right hand impressively and spoke solemnly:

"I pronounce you twain woman and husband."

* * *

A lady received a visit from a former maid three months after the girl had left to be married.

"And how do you like being married?" the lady inquired.

The bride replied with happy enthusiasm:

"Oh, it's fine, ma'am—getting married is! Yes'm, it's fine! but, land's sake, ma'am," she added suddenly, "ain't it tedious!"

* * *

The negro, after obtaining a marriage license, returned a week later to the bureau, and asked to have another name substituted for that of the lady.

"I done changed mah mind," he announced. The clerk remarked that the change would cost him another dollar and a half for a new license.

"Is that the law?" the colored man demanded in distress. The clerk nodded, and the applicant thought hard for a full minute:

"Gee!" he said at last. "Never mind, boss, this ole one will do. There ain't a dollar and a half difference in them niggers no how."

* * *

The New England widower was speaking to a friend confidentially a week after the burial of his deceased helpmate.

"I'm feelin' right pert," he admitted; "pearter'n I've felt afore in years. You see, she was a good wife. She was a good-lookin' woman, an' smart as they make 'em, an' a fine housekeeper, an' she always done her duty by me an' the children, an' she warn't sickly, an' I never hearn a cross word out o' her in all the thutty year we lived together. But dang it all! Somehow, I never did like Maria.... Yes, I'm feelin' pretty peart."

* * *

There were elaborate preparations in colored society for a certain wedding. The prospective bride had been maid to a lady who met the girl on the street a week after the time set for the ceremony and inquired concerning it:

"Did you have a big wedding, Martha?"

"'Deed ah did, missus, 'deed ah did, de most splendiferous occasion ob de season."

"Did you receive handsome presents?"

"Yes'm, yes'm, de hull house was jes' crowded wiv de gifts."

"And was your house nicely decorated?"

"Yes'm, yes'm. An' everybody done wear der very best, look jes' lak a white-folks' weddin', yes'm."

"And yourself, Martha, how did you look?"

"Ah was sutinly some scrumptious, yes'm. Ah done wore mah white bridal dress an' orange blossoms, yes'm. Ah was some kid."

"And the bridegroom, how did he appear?"

"De bridegroom? Aw, dat triflin', low-down houn' dawg, he didn't show up at all, but we had a magnificious occasion wivout him, jes' de same!"

MERIT

Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride:

"I'm afther havin' a letter from me boy. He tells me that fer meritorious condooct, his sintince will be reduced six months."

Mrs. Flannagan beamed appreciatively on hearing the glad tidings.

"Sure, now, an' what a comfort it must be t' yez, havin' a son what does ye such credit."

MILITARY DISCIPLINE

The raw recruit was on sentry duty. He had a piece of pie, which he had brought from the canteen, and proceeded to enjoy it. Just then, the colonel happened along, and scowled at the sentry, who paid no attention to him whatever.

"Do you know who I am?" the officer demanded.

The sentry shook his head. "Mebby, the veterinarian, or the barber, or mebby the colonel himself." The sentry laughed loudly at his own wit. But he wiltered as the officer sternly declared his identity.

"Oh good land!" the recruit cried out in consternation. "Please, hold this pie while I present arms."

MISCELLANY

It is related concerning a sofa, belonging to a man blessed (?) with seven daughters, all unmarried, which was sent to the upholsterer to be repaired, that, when taken apart, the following articles were discovered:

Forty-seven hairpins, three mustache combs, nineteen suspender buttons, thirteen needles, eight cigarettes, four photographs, two hundred and seventeen pins, some grains of coffee, a number of cloves, twenty-seven cuff-buttons, six pocket-knives, fifteen poker-chips, a vial of homeopathic medicine for the nerves, thirty-four lumps of chewing-gum, fifty-nine toothpicks, twenty-eight matches, fourteen button-hooks, two switches, a transformation and two plates of false teeth, which apparently had bitten each other.

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someone to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selecting a large pumpkin, he sat on it industriously every moment he could steal from his work. Came a day when he grew impatient, and determined to hasten the hatching. He stamped on the pumpkin. As it broke open, a startled rabbit broke from its cover in an adjacent corn shock and scurried across the field. Pat chased it, shouting:

"Hi, thar! Stop! don't yez know your own father?"

* * *

The meek-looking gentleman arose hastily and offered his seat in the car to the self-assertive woman who had entered and glared at him. She gave him no thanks as she seated herself, but she spoke in a heavy voice that filled the whole car:

"What are you standing up there for? Come here, and sit on my lap."

The modest man turned scarlet as he huskily faltered:

"I fear, madam, that I am not worthy of such an honor."

"How dare you!" the woman boomed. "You know perfectly well I was speaking to my niece behind you."

* * *

The little man was perfectly harmless, but the lady sitting next to him in the car was a spinster, and suspicious of all males. So, since they were somewhat crowded on the seat, she pushed the umbrella between her knee and his and held it firmly as a barrier. A shower came up, and the woman when she left the car, put up the umbrella. As she did so, she perceived that the little man had followed her. She had guessed that he was a masher, now she knew it. She walked quickly down the side street, and the man pursued through the driving rain. She ran up the steps of her home, and rang the bell. When she heard the servant coming to the door, feeling herself safe at last, she faced about and addressed her pursuer angrily:

"How dare you follow me! How dare you! What do you want, anyhow?"

The drenched little man at the foot of the steps spoke pleadingly:

"If you please, ma'am, I want my umbrella."

* * *

The traveling salesman instructed the porter that he must leave the train at Cleveland, where he was due at three o'clock in the morning. He explained that violence might be necessary because he did not wake easily. He emphasized his instructions with a generous tip.

The drummer awoke at six in the morning, with Cleveland far behind. In a rage, he sought the porter. The colored man was in a highly disheveled state and his face was bruised badly. His eyes popped at sight of the furious traveling man, who allowed no opportunity for explanations or excuses. He did all the talking, and did it forcibly. When at last the outraged salesman went away, the porter shook his head dismally, and muttered:

"Now, Ah shohly wonder who-all Ah done put off at Cleveland."

* * *

The assistant minister announced to the congregation that a special baptismal service would be held the following Sunday at three o'clock in the afternoon, and that any infants to receive the rite should be brought to the church at that time.

The old clergyman, who was deaf, thought that his assistant was speaking of the new hymnals, and he added a bit of information:

"Anyone not already provided can obtain them in the vestry for a dollar, or with red backs and speckled edges for one dollar and a half."

* * *

The child went with her mother on a visit in New Jersey. At bedtime, the little girl was nervous over the strangeness of her surroundings, but the mother comforted her, saying:

"Remember, dear, God's angels are all about you."

A little later, a cry from the child called the mother back into the room.

"The angels are buzzing all around just dreadful, mama, and they bite!"

* * *

The new clergyman was coming to call, and the mother gave Emma some instructions:

"If he asks your name, say Emma Jane; if he asks how old you are, say you are eight years old; if he asks who made you, say God made me."

It is a fact that the clergyman did ask just those three questions in that order, to the first two of which Emma replied correctly. But it is also a fact that when the minister propounded the third query, as to her origin, the child hesitated, and then said:

"Mama did tell me the man's name, but I've gone and forgotten it."

* * *

The editor of a country newspaper betook himself to a party at the house of a neighbor, where, only a few weeks earlier, a baby had been added to the family. On the editor's arrival at the house, he was met at the door by his hostess, a woman who suffered to some extent from deafness. After the usual exchange of greetings, the editor inquired concerning the health of the baby. The hostess had a severe cold, and she now misunderstood the visitor's inquiry concerning the baby, thinking that he was solicitous on her account. So she explained to the aghast editor who had asked about the baby that, although she usually had one every winter, this was the very worst one she had ever had, it kept her awake at night a great deal, and at first confined her to her bed. Having explained thus far, the good lady noticed the flabbergasted air of her guest. She continued sympathetically; saying that she could tell by his looks and the way he acted that he was going to have one just like hers. Then she insisted that, as a precautionary measure for the sake of his condition, he should come in out of the draft and sit down and stay quiet.

MISMATED

A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules for his ploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough, while he yoked himself to a steer for the pulling. The steer promptly ran away, and the lad had no choice but to run too. They came shortly into the village and went tearing down the street. And as he raced wildly, the young man shouted:

"Here we come—darn our fool souls! Somebody head us off!"

MIXED METAPHORS

A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery of the English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following telegram in announcement of his mother's death:

"Regret to announce that hand which rocked the cradle has kicked the bucket."

MODESTY

A British journalist, in an article on Sir Henry Irving for a London weekly wrote:

"I was his guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for a whole quarter of a century.... He delighted in the company of third-rate people."

MONEY TALKS

The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial contribution. When he had finished his narrative of misery and woe the elderly gentleman replied benignantly:

"My good friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice."

The tramp spat contemptuously, and uttered an oath of disgust.

"If you hain't got no money," he jeered, "I reckon your advice ain't worth hearin'."

MONEY VALUE

A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every one to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the various viands, and did not hesitate to give their value in dollars and cents. In speaking of some very beautiful grapes served, which had been grown on his estate, he wearied the company by a careful calculation as to just how much a stem of them had cost him. Doctor Hale grinned pleasantly as he extended his empty plate, with the request:

"I'll thank you to cut me off about $1.87 worth more, please."

MONOGAMY

The wives of the savage chief questioned the wife of the missionary:

"And you never let your husband beat you?"

"Certainly not," the Christian lady replied. "Why, he wouldn't dare to try such a thing!"

The oldest wife nodded understandingly.

"It is plain enough why the foreign devil has only one wife."

MONOTONY

The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully.

"I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?"

"Why, dear, do you want one?"

The child nodded seriously.

"Yes, mama, I do. It gets kin' o' tiresome teasin' the cat."

MORALITY

The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the new neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower.

"The very idea," she exclaimed to her maid, "of cutting grass on the Sabbath! Shameful! Certainly, they can't have it. Tell them we haven't any lawn-mower."

MOSQUITOES

The visitor from another state talked so much concerning the size and fierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes that his host became somewhat peeved.

"Funny!" the guest remarked. "You haven't your porch screened."

"No," the host snapped; "we're using mouse-traps."

* * *

A visitor in the South complained bitterly concerning the plague of mosquitoes. An aged negro who listened respectfully explained a method by which the pests might be endured. But this was in the days before prohibition.

"My old Marse George, suh, he done managed them animiles sholy splendiferous. Always when he come home nights, he so completely intoxicated he don't care a cuss foh all the skeeters in the hull creation. In the mawnin, when Marse George done git up, the skeeters so completely intoxicated they don't care a cuss foh Marse George, ner nobody!"

MOTTO

Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City observed a dingy saloon, in the window of which was a framed sign, reading:

"Ici on parle français."

"I don't believe anybody talks French in that dump," one of the observers remarked.

To settle the matter, they entered, and ordered ginger ale of a red-headed barkeeper who was unmistakably Irish.

One of the men addressed the barkeeper:

"Fait beau temps, monsieur."

The barkeeper scowled.

"Come agin!" he demanded.

It was soon demonstrated that French was a language unknown to the establishment.

The visitor then inquired as to the reason for the sign in the window, explaining that it meant, "French is spoken here."

The Irish barkeeper cursed heartily.

"I bought it off a sheeny," he explained, "for six bits. He tould me it was Latin for, 'God Bless Our Home.'"

MUSIC

Artemas Ward said:

"When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me."

* * *

The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurants where music was provided.

"Because it works two ways: sometimes the music helps to make me forget the food, and sometimes the food helps to make me forget the music."

* * *

The young man, who was interested in natural history, was sitting on the porch one June evening with his best girl, who was interested in music. The rhythmic shrilling of the insects pulsed on the air, and from the village church down the street came the sounds of choir practise. The young man gave his attention to the former, the girl to the latter; and presently she spoke eagerly:

"Oh, don't it sound grand!"

The young man nodded, and answered:

"Yes, indeed! and it's interesting to think that they do it all with their hind legs."

* * *

The boy violinist, played at a private musical, rendering a difficult concerto, which contained some particularly long rests for the soloist: During one of these intervals, a kindly dowager leaned toward the performer, and whispered loudly:

"Why don't you play something that you know, my boy?"

* * *

The apoplectic and grumpy old gentleman in the crowded restaurant was compelled to sit, much against his will, next to the orchestra. His stare at the leader as the jazz selection came to an end. The annoyed patron snorted, and then asked:

"Would you be so kind as to play something by request?"

The leader bowed again and beamed.

"Certainly," he replied; "anything you like, sir."

"Then," snapped the patron, "please be good enough to play a game of checkers while I finish my meal."

NEATNESS

The Japanese are remarkably tidy in the matter of floors. They even remove their shoes at the doorway. A Japanese student in New York was continually distressed by the dirty hallways of the building in which he lived. In the autumn, the janitor placed a notice at the entrance, which read:

"Please wipe your feet."

The Japanese wrote beneath in pencil:

"On going out."

NEIGHBORS

It was a late hour when the hostess at the reception requested the eminent basso to sing.

"It is too late, madam," he protested. "I should disturb your neighbors."

"Not at all," declared the lady, beaming. "Besides, they poisoned our dog last week."

NERVES

The older sister rebuked the younger when putting her to bed for being cross and ill tempered throughout the day. After she had been neatly tucked in, the little one commented:

"It's temper when it's me an' nerves when it's you."

NIGHTMARE

"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor inquired. "What is it?"

The suffering man answered:

"I dream that I'm married."

"Ah, hum!" the physician grunted perfunctorily. "To whom?"

"To my wife," the patient explained. "That's what makes it a nightmare."

The inn-keeper was inclined to take advantage of a particular guest who did not scrutinize the bills rendered. When the clerk mentioned the fact that this guest had complained of a nightmare, the host brightened, and marked down an item of ten dollars charge for livery.

NOMENCLATURE

The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited for the first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eaten his mid-day meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast, he described it with enthusiasm, except in one particular:

"They done had something they called gravee. But hit looked like sop, an' hit tasted like sop, an' I believe in my soul 'twar sop!"

* * *

When his daughter returned from the girls' college, the farmer regarded her critically, and then demanded:

"Ain't you a lot fatter than you was?"

"Yes, dad," the girl admitted. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds stripped for 'gym.'"

The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted:

"Who in thunder is Jim?"

* * *

On an occasion when a distinguished critic was to deliver a lecture on the poet Keats in a small town, the president of the local literary society was prevented by illness from introducing the speaker, and the mayor, who was more popular than learned, was asked to officiate. The amiable gentleman introduced the stranger with his accustomed eloquence, and concluded a few happy remarks of a general character with this observation:

"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I personally have often wondered—what are Keats!"

* * *

During the scarcity of labor, a new clerk, who knew nothing of the business, was taken on by a furniture house. His mistakes were so bad that the proprietor was compelled to watch him closely, and to fire him after the following episode.

A lady customer asked to see some chiffoniers. The clerk led her to the display of bassinettes, which was an unfortunate error since the lady was an old maid. She accepted his apology, however, and then remarked:

"Where are your sideboards?"

The clerk blushed furiously, as he replied:

"Why—er—I shaved them off last week."

* * *

The lady who had some culture, but not too much, was describing the adventure of her husband, who had been in Messina at the time of the earthquake.

"It was awful," she declared, in tense tones. "When Jim went to bed, everything was perfectly quiet. And then, when he woke up, all of a sudden, there beside him was a yawning abbess!"

* * *

One of the two girls in the subway was glancing at a newspaper.

"I see," she remarked presently to her companion, "that Mr. So and so, the octogenarian, is dead. Now, what on earth is an octogenarian anyhow?"

"I'm sure I haven't the faintest idea," the other girl replied. "But they're an awful sickly lot. You never hear of one but he's dying."

* * *

A story is told of an office-seeker in Washington who asserted to an inquirer that he had never heard of Mark Twain.

"What? Never heard of Tom Sawyer?"

"Nope, never heard of him."

"Nor Huck Finn?"

"Nope, never heard of him neither."

"Nor Puddin'head Wilson?"

"Oh, Lord, yes!" the office-seeker exclaimed. "Why, I voted for him."

And then he added sadly:

"An' that's all the good it done me."

* * *

The aged caretaker of the Episcopal church confided to a crony that he was uncertain as to just what he was:

"I used to be the janitor, years ago. Then we had a parson who named me the sextant. And Doctor Smith, he called me a virgin. And our young man, he says I'm the sacrilege."

OBSTINACY

The old mountaineer and his wife arrived at a railway station, and for the first time in their lives beheld a train of cars, which was standing there. The husband looked the engine over very carefully, and shook his head.

"Well, what do you think of it, father?" asked the old lady.

"She'll never start," was the firm answer: "she'll never start."

The conductor waved, the bell rang, the locomotive puffed, the train moved slowly at first, then faster. It was disappearing in the distance when the wife inquired slyly:

"Well, pa, what do you think of it now?"

The old man shook his head more violently than before.

"She'll never stop," he asserted; "she'll never stop!"

OMEN

The great pugilist was superstitious and fond of lobster. When the waiter served one with a claw missing, he protested. The waiter explained that this lobster had been worsted in a fight with another in the kitchen. The great pugilist pushed back his plate.

"Carry him off," he commanded, "and bring me the winner."

OPTICAL ILLUSION

The sergeant rebuked the private angrily:

"Jenkins, why haven't you shaved this morning?"

"Why, ain't I shaved?" the private exclaimed, apparently greatly surprised.

"No, you ain't," the sergeant snapped. "And I want to know the reason why."

"Well, now, I guess it must be this way," Jenkins suggested. "There was a dozen of us usin' the same bit of lookin' glass, an' I swan I must have shaved somebody else."

OPTIMISM

The day laborer was of a cheerful disposition that naturally inclined to seek out the good in every situation. He was a genuine optimist. Thus, after tramping the three miles from home to begin the day's work on the ditch, he discovered that he had been careless, and explained to a fellow laborer:

"I've gone and done it now! I left my lunch at home."

Then, suddenly he beamed happily, as he added:

"And it's a good thing I did, for the matter of that, because I left my teeth at home, too."

* * *

The optimist fell from the top story of a skyscraper. As he passed the fourth story, he was overheard muttering:

"So far, so good!"

ORIENTATION

John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. The two were on their way home on horseback late at night, and both were much muddled by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the laird fell head first into the creek. He scrambled up, and shouted to his servant:

"Hold on, Sandy! Something fell off—I heard it splash!"

Sandy climbed down from the saddle, and waded about blindly in the shallow water, with groping hands. At last, he seized on the laird.

"Why, it's yerself, mon, as fell oof!"

"No, Sandy," the master declared stoutly. "It can't be me—here I am." Then he, added: "But if it is me, get me back on the horse."

Sandy helped the laird to the horse, and boosted him up astride. In the dark, the rider was faced the wrong way to.

"Gie me the reins," the master ordered.

Sandy felt about the horse's rump, and, then cried out, clutching the tail:

"It waur the horse's head as fell off—nothin' left but the mane!"

"Gie me the mane, then," the laird directed stolidly. "I must een hae something to hold on."

So, presently, when he had the tail firmly grasped in both hands, and Sandy had mounted, the procession began to move. Whereat, the laird shouted in dismay:

"Haud on, Sandy! It's gaein' the wrang way!"

OUTWORN

Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring lady had a new baby. The tot puzzled over the matter, and at last sought additional information:

"Oh, mumsy, what is she going to do with her old one?"

PARADOX

The amiable old lady was overheard talking to herself as she left the church along with the crowd that had attended the services:

"If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay quietly in their seats till everyone else has gone out, there would not be such a crush at the doors."

* * *

Two friends from Ireland on a tour occupied the same bedchamber in a country inn. During the night a fearful storm raged. John spoke of it in the morning while the two men were dressing.

"Did it rain?" Dennis asked in surprise.

"Rain!" John exclaimed. "It was a deluge, and the lightnin' was blindin' and the thunder was deafenin'. Sure, I never heard the like."

"For the love of Hivvin!" Dennis cried out. "Why didn't yez waken me? Didn't yez know I never can slape whin it thunders!"

PASTORAL

Burdette quotes as follows a year's statistics of parochial work, as compiled by a young curate:

"Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary discourses, solemnized 21 hymeneal ceremonies, delivered 17 lectures, of which 16 were on secular and all the rest on religious subjects; made 39 addresses, of which all but 27 were on matters most nearly touching the vital religious concerns of the church, read aloud in church 156 chapters of the Bible, 149 of which were very long ones; made pastoral calls, 312; took tea on such occasions, 312 times; distributed 804 tracts; visited the sick several times; sat on the platform at temperance and other public meetings 47 times; had the headache Sabbath mornings, and so was compelled to appear in a condition of physical pain, nervous prostration and bodily distress that utterly unfitted him for public preaching, 104 times; picnics attended, 10; dinners, 37; suffered from attacks of malignant dyspepsia, 37 times; read 748 hymns; instructed the choir in regard to the selection of tunes, 1 time; had severe cold, 104 times; sore throat, 104 times; malaria, 104 times; wrote 3120 pages of sermons; declined invitations to tea, 1 time; started the tune in prayer meeting, 2 times; started the wrong tune, 2 times; sung hymns that nobody else knew, 2 times; received into church membership, 3; dismissed by letter, 49; expelled, 16; lost, strayed, or stolen, 137."

PATRIOTISM

The Scotchman returned to his native town, Peebles, after a first visit to London. He told the neighbors enthusiastically of his many wonderful experiences in the metropolis. There was, however, no weakening in his local loyalty, for at the end he cried out proudly:

"But, for real pleasure, gi'e me Peebles!"

* * *

There is no doubting the strong patriotism of the schoolboy who is the hero of this tale, although he may have been weak on history. During an examination in general history, he was asked:

"Who was the first man?"

He answered proudly, even enthusiastically, without any hesitation:

"George Washington, first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts——"

But the teacher interrupted ruthlessly:

"Wrong! Adam was the first man."

The boy sniffed disgustedly.

"Oh!" he retorted. "I didn't know you were talking about foreigners."

* * *

The troops had been marching through a sea of mud for hours, when at last they were lined up for inspection before a general. In the evolution, a young cavalryman who had enlisted was thrown from his horse into the muck, from which he emerged in a dreadful state, though uninjured except in his feelings. The general himself, who had witnessed the incident, rode up, and preserving his gravity with some effort inquired of the trooper if he had suffered any hurt from the fall.

"Naw," was the disgusted reply. "But if I ever love a country agin, you can kick me!"

PEACE

The mourning widow caused a tender sentiment to be chiseled on the headstone of her husband's grave. The exact wording was as follows:

"Thou are at rest, until we meet again."

PEACEMAKER

The father was telling at the table of a row between two men in which he had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting, "I'll knock your brains out!"

"It was at this moment," the head of the family explained, "that I stepped in between them."

Little Johnnie had been listening, round-eyed with excitement. Now, he burst forth:

"I guess he couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, pa?"

PENSION

The usual details in administration of the pension laws are not amusing, but occasionally even here a bit of humor creeps in to relieve the tedium. Thus, John Smith, claimant under Invalid Original No. 98,325,423, based his application for succor upon an "injury to leg due to the kick of a vicious horse" in the service and line of duty, etc.

This was formally insufficient, and the bureau advised to claimant to this effect, directing him to state: "which leg was injured by the alleged kick of a vicious horse."

The reply came promptly:

"My leg!"

PESSIMISM

The energetic New England woman addressed her hired girl in a discouraged tone:

"Here it is Monday morning and to-morrow will be Tuesday, and the next day Wednesday—the whole week half gone, and nothing done yit!"

* * *

The old man shook his head dolefully in response to an inquiry concerning his health.

"It isn't what it ought to be," he declared. "I find my strength is failing. It used to be I could walk around the block every morning. But now lately, somehow, when I'm only half way round, I feel so tired I have to turn and come back."

* * *

The visitor remarked affably to the man of the house:

"Your family is wonderfully talented. One son plays the cornet, two daughters play the piano and the guitar, and your wife plays the banjo, and the other children play ukuleles. As the father of such musical geniuses, you must be something yourself, aren't you?"

"Yes," was the answer, "I am a pessimist."

PHILANTHROPY

"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for a number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town.

"Why does she keep such a number of them then?" was the pertinent inquiry.

"Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone she regards it as her solemn duty to employ as many as possible when times are so hard."

PHONETICS

Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great seriousness:

"Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?"

"Don't say 'ain't', Willie," the old lady corrected. "Yes, Rotterdam is the name of a city. Why?"

"It ain't swearin' to say it, is it Gramma?"

"Don't say 'ain't', Willie. No, it isn't swearing to say Rotterdam. Why?"

"Cause if sister keeps on eatin' so much candy, she'll Rotterdam head off."

PHYSIOLOGY

The teacher explained to her young pupils some facts concerning various organs of the body, including the eye as the organ of sight, the ear as the organ of hearing, and the like. Then she asked the pupils to repeat to her what they had learned. There was a short silence, which was broken by a bright little boy, who spoke as follows:

"I see with my eye organ, I hear with my ear organ, I smell with my nose organ, I eat with my mouth organ, and I feel with my hand organ."

PLAIN SPEAKING

The new maid was talkative, and related some of her experiences in service.

"You seem to have had a good many situations," was the lady's comment as the girl paused. "How many different mistresses have you had, all told?"

"Fifteen, all told," the maid declared promptly; "yes mum, all told eggzactly what I thought of them."

PLAYING POSSUM

"No, suh," the ancient negro asserted, with a melancholy shaking of his bald head, "dar hain't no trustin' a 'possum. Once on a time, suh, I done watched de hole of a 'possum all night long. An' at las', suh, de 'possum done come out of his hole. An' what yoh t'ink de ole scallywog done did? Well, suh, he done come out, an' when he done come out, he was a polecat!"

PLUMBER

The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a little persiflage with the cook in the kitchen where he was theoretically repairing the sink. The cook was plain-featured, but any diversion was welcome to speed the hours for which he drew pay. He made a strong impression on the cook, and when he took his departure, she simpered, and said coyly:

"Thursday is my evenin' off, an' we might go to the movies."

The plumber snorted indignantly.

"What!" he demanded. "On me own time?"

POETRY

The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally told in the following extract from a Hindu's letter to the authorities requesting aid in behalf of his invalid father, who leads sickly life, and is going from bad to perhaps, but not too well; for an extract from the petition calls on the government "to look after my old faher, who leads sickly life, and is going from bad to verse every day."

POINT OF VIEW

A couple from Boston spent a winter in Augusta, Georgia. During the period of their visit, they became fond of an old colored woman, and even invited her to visit their home at their expense. In due time after their return to Boston, the visitor was entertained. Every courtesy was extended to the old colored woman, and she even had her meals with the host and hostess. One day at dinner, the host remarked, with a certain smug satisfaction in his own democratic hospitality:

"I imagine that, during all the time you were a slave, your master never invited you to eat at his table."

"No, suh, dat he didn't," replied the old darky. "My master was a genl'man. He never let no nigger set at table 'long side o' him."

* * *

The kindly old lady chanced to be present at the feeding of the lions in the zoo. Presently, she remarked to the keeper:

"Isn't that a very small piece of meat to give to the lions?"

The man answered very respectfully, but firmly:

"It may seem like a very small piece of meat to you, mum, but it seems like a big piece of meat to the lions, mum."

POKER

Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere in France. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a kind.

"I raise you two pounds," quoth Tommy.

The Yankee did not hesitate.

"I ain't exactly onto your currency curves, but I'll bump it up four tons."

POLITENESS

The little girl in the car was a pest. She crossed the aisle to devote herself to a dignified fat man, to his great annoyance. She asked innumerable questions, and, incidentally, counted aloud his vest buttons to learn whether he was rich man, poor man, beggar man or thief. The mother regarded the child's efforts as highly entertaining. The fat man leaned forward and addressed the lady very courteously:

"Madam, what do you call this dear little child?"

"Ethel," the beaming mother replied.

"Please call her then," the fat man requested.

* * *

Johnny, who was to be the guest at a neighbor's for the noonday meal, was carefully admonished by his mother to remember his manners, and to speak in complimentary terms of the food served him. He heeded the instruction, and did the best he could under stress of embarrassment.

After he had tasted the soup, he remarked as boldly as he could contrive:

"This is pretty good soup—what there is of it."

He was greatly disconcerted to observe that his remark caused a frown on the face of his hostess. He hastened to speak again in an effort to correct any bad impression from his previous speech:

"And there's plenty of it—such as it is."

* * *

On Johnnie's return from the birthday party, his mother expressed the hope that he had behaved politely at the luncheon table, and properly said, "Yes, if you please" and "No, thank you," when anything was offered him.

Johnnie shook his head seriously.

"I guess I didn't say, 'No, thank you.' I ate everything there was."

* * *

The teacher used as an illustration of bad grammar, for correction by the class, the following sentence:

"The horse and cow is in the pasture."

A manly little fellow raised his hand, and at the teacher's nod said:

"Please, sir, ladies should come first."

* * *

The man sitting in the street car addressed the woman standing before him:

"You must excuse my not giving you my seat—I'm a member of the Sit Still Club."

"Certainly, sir," the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring—I belong to the Stand and Stare Club."

She proved it so well that the man at last sheepishly got to his feet.

"I guess, ma'am," he mumbled, "I'll resign from my club and join yours."

POLITICS

The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the paper with a petition.

"Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thieves."

The father, aroused from his absorption in political news and comment on the campaign, regarded his son thoughtfully for a moment, and then shook his head.

"No," he answered decisively, "you must wait until you're a little older, my son. You're too young to understand politics."

POPULATION

Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was visiting in the North as to the population of the city.

"Ah don't edzakly know, suh," was the reply, "but I opine 'bout a hundred an' twenty-five thousan', countin' de whites."

POSTAL

It is human nature to take an interest in the affairs of others. The fact has been amply demonstrated by innumerable postmasters and postmistresses who have profited from their contact with the communities' correspondence. That the postman, too, is likely to be well informed is shown in a quotation by Punch of a local letter-carrier's apology to a lady on his round:

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, I seem to have lost your postcard; but it only said Muriel thanked you for the parcel and so did John, and they were both very well, and the children are happy, and she'll give your message to Margery. That'll be your other daughter, I'm thinkin'?"

PRAISE

One negro workman was overheard talking to another:

"I'se yoh frien'. I jest tole the fohman, when he say dat nigger Sam ain't fit to feed to de dawgs, why, I done spoke right up, an' tole him yoh shohly is!"

PRAYER

The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although he had been in the country forty years, and was a churchwarden. When the rector complained that a certain parishioner had called him a perfect ass, and asked advice, the reply, though well intentioned, sounded ambiguous:

"All you should do vill pe youst to bray for him, as usual."

* * *

A Scotch missionary in the Far East suffered ill fortune in his marriages, for two wives in succession yielded to the trying climate and died. The missionary had depended on the Board at home to select his previous mates, and he wrote for a third. When due time had elapsed, he journeyed to the seaport to meet the steamer by which his new mate should arrive. At the appointed hour, as the boat drew in, he stood on the dock anxiously waiting. Among the few passengers to descend the gangplank, it was easy for him to select the one destined for him. At sight of her, he shuddered slightly, and a groan burst from his lips.

"Freckles," he muttered despairingly, "and red headed, and with squint—for the third time!—and after all my prayers!"

* * *

Charles had attained the age of five when he attended a football game for the first time. It cannot be doubted that he was profoundly impressed by the excitement on the gridiron, for at bedtime his mother was horrified to hear him utter his nightly prayer thus:

"God bless papa! God bless mama! God bless Charlie! Rah! Rah! Rah!"

* * *

At the request of his wife, the husband opened a can of peaches. When he finally reappeared, the wife asked demurely:

"What did you use to open that can, Jim?"

"Can-opener, of course," the husband grunted. "What d'ye think I opened it with?"

"From the language I heard, I thought perhaps you were opening it with prayer."

* * *

The newspaper report of the special Sunday services contained the following impressive description of the prayer:

"The most eloquent prayer ever addressed to a Boston audience."

* * *

The New York Sun published the following:

The toys had been reluctantly laid aside and in her dainty nightie the little girl, scarcely more than a baby, knelt at her mother's knee.

The eyes, which all day long are alight with mischief, were reverently closed, and as she haltingly uttered the words of the old, yet ever young child's prayer her rapt face, raised occasionally from her dimpled hands, took on an expression almost seraphic in its innocent purity.

With a fervent "Amen" she ended her supplication, then jumped up, eyes dancing, and exclaimed:

"Now let's say 'Little Jack Horner sat in the corner.' I knows it better, Muvver."

* * *

A little boy was asked if he prayed when he attended church, and he answered that he always did. On being questioned as to the nature of his prayer, he explained that he always repeated it when the others in the congregation made their silent prayer just before the sermon, and he added further:

"I just say the little prayer mother taught me—'Now I lay me down to sleep.'"

* * *

A prayer showing a ghastly confusion of metaphors is on record as having been offered extemporaneously in behalf of Queen Adelaide during the reign of that sovereign. The words as quoted were these:

"O Lord, save thy servant, our Sovereign Lady, the Queen. Grant that as she grows an old woman, she may become a new man. Strengthen her with Thy blessing that she may live a pure virgin, bringing her sons and daughters to the glory of God. And give her grace that she may go before her people like a he-goat upon the mountains."

* * *

As the boat was sinking, the skipper lifted his voice to ask:

"Does anybody know how to pray?"

One man spoke confidently in answer:

"Yes, Captain, I do."

The captain nodded.

"That's all right then," he declared. "You go ahead and pray. The rest of us will put on life-belts. They're one short."

PREACHER

A colored deacon who was the leader in a congregation down South, wrote to the bishop to explain the need of a minister for the church. He concluded his appeal as follows:

"Send us a Bishop to preach. If you can't send us a Bishop, send us a Sliding Elder. If you can't send a Sliding Elder, send us a Stationary Preacher. If you can't spare him, send us a Circus Eider. If you can't spare him, send us a Locust Preacher. And if you can't send a Locust Preacher, send us an Exhauster."

PRECAUTION

When the colored couple were being married by the clergyman, and the words, "love, honor and obey" were spoken, the bridegroom interrupted:

"Read that again, suh! read it once moh, so's de lady kin ketch de full solemnity ob de meanin'. I'se been married befoh."

* * *

The lawyer for the defense, in the damage suit, asked the witness who had seen the plaintive struck by the automobile, how far the victim was thrown by the impact.

"Fifteen feet, six and three-quarter inches," was the instant response.

"You seem to be very exact in your figures," exclaimed the lawyer sarcastically. "How does that happen?"

"I guessed some fool lawyer would ask me," the witness answered, "and I measured the distance."

PRECOCITY

The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club.

"I've had a terrible misfortune," he announced. "My little three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces."

"Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read," said the critic.

PREMATURENESS

Ikey saw his friend Jakey in the smoking-car when he entered, and sat down in the same seat.

"How was that fire in your place last week, Jakey?" he inquired.

Jakey started nervously.