THE KNAVE OF HEARTS

A Fourth-of-July Play in One Act.

BY ALBERT LEE.

Characters:

Queen of Clubs.

Queen of Hearts.

Queen of Spades.

Queen of Diamonds.

King of Spades.

King of Diamonds.

Joker.

King of Hearts.

King of Clubs.

Knave of Hearts.

Knave of Spades.

Knave of Diamonds.

Knave of Clubs.

Scene.—Audience-chamber in the palace of the King of Hearts. The thrones of the King and Queen in the centre of the stage at back. Near the King's throne a small gilded three-legged stool. Entrances R. and L. Three arm-chairs R. A bench L. At the rising of the curtain the Joker is discovered seated on the King's throne, leaning on one elbow, his rattle hanging idly in the other hand. He is apparently meditating. He speaks slowly, with a pause between each sentence.

Joker. Peradventure it may seem improper for a fool to leave his lowly place and climb upon the throne. But no one's here to say me nay; and by my faith fools have sat on thrones before. What odds, then, if there's one fool more or one fool less beneath the dais? To be sure, my crown's a fool's cap and my sceptre's a rattle, and so, perhaps, not imposing; but it pleases me to sit here and fancy myself a King. Nay, laugh not. It's the province of a fool to be foolish. And verily am I not a king? Am I not monarch of all I survey? In truth I am, for I survey nothing, and am therefore King of Nothing. There's a title for you—his Majesty the King of Nothing! (Yawns and stretches and rises from the throne; picks up his stool, places it near the front, and sits down.) In faith the throne's no softer than the stool, and perhaps it is best for me to cling to this. It affords at least one advantage over the King. If he falls—and I fall—he gets the greater injury, for he tumbles from a higher place. (Laughs softly, and then sings:)

"For it's nonny, hey nonny, the Jester's song, It's nonny, hey nonny, hey oh! For it's nonny, hey nonny, no life is long; Oh, merry be ye here below!"

[As he sings the last line there is a loud noise of exploding fire-crackers behind the scenes, and the four Knaves come tumbling in at the door L. in great confusion, all talking at once. The Knave of Hearts holds a lighted taper in his hand, and the other Knaves carry fire-crackers and other fireworks under their arms.]

Knave of Spades. Thou didst it.

Knave of Hearts. Thou speakest false. 'Twas he.

"HEARTS DID IT!"

Knave of Diamonds. Never. Hearts did it.

Knave of Clubs. Hearts held the taper. He did it. Thou didst it.

Knave of Spades. Ay, ay, 'twas he.

Knave of Hearts. I say thee nay.

Knave of Diamonds. He gives him the lie direct.

Knave of Clubs. I saw him. I saw him.

Joker (rising, shakes the stool in one hand, the rattle in the other, and shouts). Silence! silence, ye riotous varlets! What is this now? What is it? Why all this noise and debate?

Knave of Hearts. Nay, Sir Joker, but it was the Knave of Spades.

Knave of Spades. Thou speakest false.

Knave of Diamonds and Knave of Clubs. Ay, ay, Hearts held the taper.

[The Knave of Hearts quickly blows out the taper and throws it away. The Knaves all begin to talk to the Joker at once. He stops his ears and shouts.]

Joker. Silence, I beg of ye! Silence! What is it, I say?

The four Knaves (speaking all together). Good Sir Joker, let me explain.

Joker. One at a time, I pray of ye! Now speak thou, Spades. What is this alarum? Whither go ye? And what bear ye? And bearing what, whither do you bear it?

Knave of Spades. Good Sir Joker, if you would ask but one question, and that direct, making it simple too, it were the easier to give a reply.

Joker (sitting down again). Troth, for a fat Knave thou speakest plainly. 'Tis to be hoped thou canst hear as well. Now listen. Whither go ye?

Knave of Spades. To the banquet hall.

Joker. And what bear ye?

Knave of Spades. Fireworks.

Joker. Fireworks?

Knave of Spades. Indeed, fireworks.

"ART BLIND? CANST NOT SEE?"

Knave of Hearts (poking a large fire-cracker into the Joker's face). Art blind? Canst not see?

Joker (much alarmed). Away there, varlet, away!

Knave of Spades. Ay, fireworks, Sir Joker, for to-day 'tis the glorious Fourth.

Joker. To-day the Fourth of July?

Knave of Diamonds (to the other Knaves in a mocking tone). He was well named "Fool."

Knave of Clubs. In truth he was; yet no name was necessary. 'Tis plain writ upon his face.

[The Knaves laugh loudly.]

Joker. Marry, for a pack of rowdy varlets ye four do verily hold first claim, although you rotund Knave of Spades doth possibly deserve exemption. I prithee, Spades, whyfore all this preparation? Why these fireworks? And why so many large red fire-crackers?

Knave of Spades. Have you not heard of the King's banquet?

Knave of Hearts (sitting down on the bench and shaking his head wearily). Nay, Spades, ask him not. He has the ass's ears, but hears naught.

Knave of Diamonds. Or hearing, understands naught.

Joker. By my halidame an ye ruffians bridle not your tongues, I will even on this torrid night fall to and smite ye till ye whine like hounds for mercy!

[Threatens them with his rattle.]

The four Knaves. Oh, but that is a fierce threat!

[They nod their heads to one another in mock seriousness, and point at the Joker with the big fire-crackers.]

Joker. And now, Spades—?

Knave of Spades. Ay, Sir Joker, to-night the King and Queen of Hearts do hold a sumptuous feast, and afterward there are to be fireworks galore. To the banquet have been invited the King and Queen of Spades, the King and Queen of Diamonds, and the King and Queen of Clubs.

Joker. A right royal company, Spades.

Knave of Spades. Indeed right royal. And the feast too shall be right royal. My liege the King of Spades brings with him his fiddlers three.

Joker. So, so! Ha, ha! [Sings.]

"Old King Kole Was a merry old soul. A merry old soul was he; He called for his pipe, He called for his bowl, And he called for his fiddlers three."

Knave of Hearts. Nay, but methinks the Joker hath his rhyming mood to-day. Sit thee down, Diamonds, and be a comfortable listener.

[The Knave of Diamonds sits down on the bench beside the Knave of Hearts.]

Joker. It is meet that I should have my rhyming mood to-day; for at the feast will there not be mirth and rhyme and wit?

Knave of Hearts. Ay, mirth and doggerel, Joker; but what wit there may be thou'lt not answer for 't.

Joker (rising and shaking his fist). I can answer for thee, though, thou churl!

Knave of Hearts [bowing]. Gramercy, but I can answer for myself.

Joker. And 'twill not be the first time. Methinks, as a thief thou hast already been called upon to answer once. (Sits down again.) And now, Spades, I beg of thee, proceed.

Knave of Spades. There is little more to tell, Sir Joker, save that the Queen of Hearts herself did fashion these huge fire crackers—eight of them, that there should be one for a salute to each guest. We bear them now to the banquet hall.

Knave of Diamonds. Ay, and the quicker we go hence the wiser; for time moves on apace, and the guests will soon be here.

Joker (rising from his stool and making a mock obeisance). My gratitude, gentle Knaves, for your varied courtesies. (The Knaves bow and exeunt, R., in single file. Joker puts his stool back in its place, beside the throne.) Of two misfortunes, rather let me suffer that of being a fool than a knave. The one knows nothing of the evil he does; the other knows nothing of the evil he does not do. And methinks whether of evil or of good those Knaves know but little of what they now perform. They bear those explosive bombs to the banquet hall? Surely they err. But of my affair it is none, and so I shall sagely hold my peace upon it, and—tap my wit! For here come the King and Queen.

[Music. Enter the King and Queen of Hearts, L., the Joker bowing and dancing before them as they come. They take their seats upon the thrones.]

King of Hearts. Well, Sir Joker, what was this riot that I lately heard? What this odor of powder and saltpetre?

Joker. The Knaves, my lord, the Knaves, the sorry Knaves. They did but even pass this way toward the banquet hall, bearing fireworks. (Sits down in one of the arm-chairs, and juggles with his rattle.) They did by mischance set off several of the pieces, and wellnigh scared me of the possession of my wits.

King of Hearts (laughing). Yet thou hast thy fool's cap still well on, I hope?

Joker. That I have, sire. So well on that even should you wish to borrow it, you could not get it off.

King of Hearts. Thou needst have no fear that I shall care to deprive thee of that honor.

Joker. Nay, but Kings have played the fool before.

King of Hearts. True. And thou mayst well add—many a fool has played the King.

Joker. But do not accuse me, sire. I never played you. I do but play upon you.

King of Hearts. Thou playest upon me?

Joker. Only to hear your sweet notes, my liege.

Queen of Hearts. Thou hast a well-turned speech to-day, Joker.

Joker. Well turned, my Queen? Yet not so well turned as those giant fire-crackers which you have fashioned for the feast. Those indeed are royal bombs!

Queen of Hearts. Bombs? They are indeed harmless. There is nothing in them, but I warned the Knaves to handle them carefully, saying they might unexpectedly explode. [Laughs.]

Joker. And so, if they exploded, 'twould in truth be unexpected!

[As the Joker finishes his speech, enter Knave of Diamonds, L. He holds the portières up and announces in loud and formal tones,]

ARRIVAL OF THE ROYAL GUESTS.

Knave of Diamonds. Their Majesties the King and Queen of Diamonds.

[Music. Enter the King and Queen of Diamonds, L.]

King of Hearts. Welcome, my cousin of Diamonds. Welcome this glorious July day.

Queen of Hearts. Welcome, fair lady. "First come, best loved," is the saying, you know—and ye are the first come. Pray be seated.

[At the entrance of the King and Queen of Diamonds the King and Queen of Hearts rise to greet them. The King of Diamonds bows to the King of Hearts and kisses the hand of the Queen of Hearts. The Queen of Diamonds courtesies. She then sits down in an arm-chair, R., and the King of Diamonds takes his stand behind her. The Knave of Diamonds drops the portière and sits on the bench.]

Joker (to Queen of Diamonds). Even the sun, fair lady—which is said by the poets to shine brightest this fair month of July—even the sun fails to outsparkle your priceless precious stones.

Queen of Diamonds. Ah, you have a pretty wit, Sir Joker. But are they not truly the most brilliant of jewels?

Joker. The most brilliant of jewels, yes; but they pale before their wearer's beauty.

[Takes his seat on the stool near the throne.]

[Enter, L., Knave of Clubs, who announces,]

Knave of Clubs. Their Majesties the King and Queen of Clubs.

[Music. Enter the King and Queen of Clubs, L.]

King of Hearts. Welcome, welcome, good Clubs. My best wishes, fair lady, my best wishes!

Queen of Hearts (to Queen of Clubs). Greeting to you, and pray take seat beside our cousin of Diamonds.

[At the entrance of the King and Queen of Clubs, the King and Queen of Hearts arise, as before. The King of Clubs bows to the King of Hearts, and kisses the hand of the Queen of Hearts. The Queen of Clubs courtesies. She then sits down in an arm-chair next to the Queen of Diamonds, the King of Clubs stands behind her, and the Knave of Clubs takes his place on the bench.]

Queen of Hearts. It is indeed a pleasure to have you here again. 'Tis now many a long day since I have seen you.

Queen of Clubs (fanning herself, and affecting an air of great weariness). Ah, dear lady of Hearts, you cannot conceive of my perplexities. What with tournaments and levees and audiences at large, the days do slip so swiftly by, giving me no pause for rest or recovery, that I do find myself ending the week ere I realize it to have begun.

Joker. Yet time, fair Queen, seems to have touched your comely brow with a light finger. The winged hours fly swiftly past you, but yourself dwell at the one sweet station of constant youthfulness.

Queen of Clubs (haughtily). So graceful a speech, Sir Joker, were worthy of a knight rather than of a fool.

Joker. It is for the listener to detect when the fool speaks foolishly. For he himself is too great a fool to judge of the burden of his speech.

Queen of Diamonds (superciliously, to Queen of Clubs). Methinks his words have a double edge.

Joker (to Queen of Diamonds). You wrong me, good lady, for he that playeth with edged tools is most apt to cut himself.

[Enter, L., Knave of Spades, who announces,]

Knave of Spades. Their Majesties the King and Queen of Spades.

[Music. Enter, L., in great haste, the King and Queen of Spades.]

King of Spades (breathlessly). Ah, I so greatly feared, my lord—

King of Hearts. A hand to thee, cousin of Spades, a hand to thee, and welcome.

Queen of Hearts. And a fair day to you, good dame of Spades.

"WE DID HASTEN BEYOND ALL REASON!"

Queen of Spades (panting). Sweet cousin, we did so greatly fear to be behindhand that we did hasten beyond all reason. I am quite forlorn of breath.

Queen of Hearts. Seat you, seat you, good lady.

[The King and Queen of Spades are very much out of breath, and very warm. The King and Queen of Hearts arise in their entrance to greet them, but the King and Queen of Spades are so overcome with excitement that they forget the conventionalities, and the Queen of Spades flops into the third arm-chair without making any courtesy. The King of Spades takes his stand behind her, wiping his brow vigorously with his handkerchief, then suddenly remembers he has omitted to kiss the hand of his hostess. He hastens across the stage falling as he goes, and makes up for the omission. The Knave of Spades sits on the bench.]

Queen of Hearts. There, now, rest you easily, for there is small haste for the feast.

King of Spades (still mopping his face and puffing). I am much relieved that we were not late on the banquet, King of Hearts. The banquet should have waited on you, cousin.

King of Spades (pacing about the stage, nervously fanning himself; occasionally he stumbles and falls). Ay, but I might not so well have waited on the banquet.

Queen of Spades. True, he hungers mightily.

[Fans herself vigorously with her handkerchief.]

Queen of Hearts (to Joker). Sir Joker, the Queen of Spades suffereth of her exertions. I beg of you seek a fan.

[Joker bows, and exit R.]

Queen of Clubs (aside to Queen of Diamonds). I marvel at the rapacity of some folk.

Queen of Diamonds. Verily one might think that there lacked meat and cooks and scullions in the land of Spades.

Queen of Clubs. Nay, but I dare say they be short two scullions at the present hour. [They laugh.]

Queen of Hearts (to Queen of Diamonds). What say you?

Queen of Clubs. I was saying that if haste might always so trim our cheeks with color as that which now blooms upon the fair face of our cousin of Spades, it were worth the discomfort of so great an energy.

[Enter Joker, R. He presents fan to Queen of Spades, who fans herself boisterously.]

Joker. Would I were a fan, that even my whispers might be of such grateful reception to a lady's ear!

Queen of Spades. Not my ear, Sir Joker, not my ear. It is my nose that reddens from my efforts.

King of Spades (wiping his brow and neck with his handkerchief). And as to me, it is my neck. 'Tis the pity of being stout.

Joker. The neck, Sir King? Aha, but I warrant that even if it be moist without, it is dry within.

King of Spades (with asperity). Ay, marry, fool; but not so dry as thy wit.

King of Hearts. Come, come, cousin, heed him not. (The Joker moves over to the throne of the Queen of Hearts, and enters into earnest conversation with her.) It pleases me to hear you say you bring a good appetite to the feast.

King of Spades. Verily I feel as though I were one vast incarnation of appetite.

King of Hearts. All the more honor will you do us, and we shall ever recall this Fourth of July as one that pleased you. And the good lady of Spades, has she too—

Queen of Hearts (screams). Ah, me! Ah, lackaday, lackaday! [Faints.]

King of Hearts. What is this? What is this? The Queen faints! A cup! a cup!

Queen of Diamonds, Queen of Clubs, Queen of Spades (rising and rushing to the Queen of Hearts' seat. They pat her hands and fan her). Yes, a cup, a cup!

[The three Knaves rush out, R., tumbling over one another and shouting "Water, water!" The Knaves return, one at a time, bearing glasses of water, but they are met each time by the King of Spades, who takes the glass, goes half-way to the Queen of Hearts, and then, in his excitement, drinks the water himself. This "business" can be carried on while the ensuing dialogue is being spoken.]

Queen of Hearts (recovering herself). Nay, nay, trouble not. I am myself again. It was merely the Joker.

[The three Queens resume their seats.]

King of Hearts (angrily). The Joker?

Queen of Hearts. Ay, he spake in my ear, and said—

King of Hearts (threatening the Joker). What, Sir Joker! Hast thou dared to frighten or disturb the Queen?

Queen of Hearts (expostulating). Nay, nay, the Joker is good! Good Sir Joker, tell the King. Tell them all, that they may know!

"WHAT IS THIS MYSTERY?"

King of Hearts (sternly). Come, Sir Joker, what is this mystery?

Joker. There is no mystery, my lord. It is all but too plain. Her Majesty the Queen, as you know, did fashion eight large fire-crackers of fine red paper, the which were placed upon the board for the banquet. I went to seek a fan for her Majesty of Spades, and in passing the banquet hall curiosity did impel me to look in upon the tables. The fire-crackers are not there, my liege. They have been purloined. They have been stolen.

[Great excitement. The Kings and Queens talk and gesticulate with one another.]

King of Hearts. What? The fire-crackers are stolen?

Joker. Ay, my lord, stolen.

King of Spades. And will there be no fireworks after the feast?

King of Hearts. And the thief?

Joker. It is but left for us to guess.

King of Hearts. And thou hast suspicion?

Joker. True, my lord, I have.

King of Hearts. Name him, Sir Joker.

All. Ay, name him—name him!

Joker. Nay, nay, my liege. 'Twere unjust falsely to accuse—

King of Hearts. Name him, Sir Joker!

All. Ay, name him!

Joker. My lord—

King of Hearts. Name him. I command thee!

Joker. Hath no man stolen before?

King of Hearts. Thou meanest—

Joker. The Knave of Hearts.

All (lifting their hands). The Knave of Hearts!

King of Hearts. The rascal Knave! Where is he? Come, come, I must have him! He is not here? Then hale me hither that churlish lout, and heavily shall he pay his sins! (Exeunt the three Knaves, L.) Aha! but there is no cause for laughter here!

King of Spades (very much excited, throws himself in an exhausted condition on the bench, L.). Laughter—laughter? Well, I should say thee nay! Is the larder robbed?

Queen of Hearts. Nay, he has but taken the fire-crackers.

King of Spades. The crackers—the crackers! Did he take the cheese too?

Joker. Nothing else is gone.

King of Spades. Ah, fortune be praised!

Queen of Clubs (to Queen of Hearts). And did you fashion these fire-crackers?

King of Hearts. With her own hands she fashioned them.

Joker. One for each guest.

Queen of Clubs. Indeed—indeed! And is the Queen as dexterous at the fashioning of fire-crackers as she is at the baking of water-crackers and other light confections?

Queen of Hearts. You are sweet so to flatter me.

Queen of Clubs. But I so well remember the Christmas pie.

King of Spades. Pie! Where is the pie?

Joker. It was eaten last Christmas, the pie.

King of Spades. Oh, alack!

Joker. But it was a noteworthy pie. I have rhymed upon it. Pray listen. [Sings.]

"Sing a song of sixpence, A pocket full of rye, Four-and-twenty blackbirds baked in a pie; When the pie was opened The birds began to sing; Was not that a dainty dish to set before the King?"

King of Spades. Indeed that must have been a toothsome dish.

[Noise and commotion without. Enter the Knaves, L., two dragging, one pushing the Knave of Hearts. He is forced to his knees in front of the King of Hearts' throne.]

King of Hearts (sternly). There be severe accusations against thee, Knave.

Knave of Hearts. Oh, my King! I pray—

"DIDST THOU STEAL THE FIRE-CRACKERS?"

King of Hearts. Silence, churl! Answer but my questions. Didst thou steal the fire-crackers?

Knave of Hearts. Not "steal," my lord.

King of Hearts. Didst thou steal the fire-crackers?

Knave of Hearts. I did but take them from the table.

King of Hearts. Thou makest confession, then?

Knave of Hearts. My lord, my lord, I would but say one word in explanation.

King of Hearts. Thou shalt say nothing. This is the second time thou art taken a thief. Last summer thou didst steal the Queen's tarts, and now thou takest the fire-crackers. Thou shalt pay for it with thine head! Thou shall be blown up to-night upon a monster pile of fireworks.

Knave of Hearts. Mercy, my lord—mercy! Let me explain.

King of Hearts (to the other Knaves). Remove him.

[The Knave of Hearts is dragged out, L.]

Queen of Diamonds. And did he steal once before?

King of Hearts. That he did, and was therefore severely punished. I myself did beat him full sore.

King of Spades (slapping King of Hearts on the back). Do it again, cousin—do it again!

King of Hearts (approvingly). That shall I! Thou speakest well. I beg your patience, ladies; but I will beat this Knave before he dies.

[Exit King, L., rolling up his sleeves.]

King of Spades (to Queen of Spades). 'Tis fortunate he did but take the fire-crackers. I should have grieved surely had they been tarts; for tarts one may eat, but fire-crackers they be somewhat indigestible, I fear.

Queen of Clubs. I had not heard of this previous theft.

Queen of Hearts. It was similar to this, fair cousin. And the Joker hath likewise rhymed upon it.

Queen of Clubs. Indeed. And may we hear the verse, Sir Joker?

Joker. It is a pleasure to sing it. [Sings]

"The Queen of Hearts She baked some tarts All on a summer's day—"

[Sounds of beating without, and loud cries by the Knave of Hearts of "Ow!" "Ow!" "Mercy, my lord!" "Hold!" "Hear me!"]

Queen of Spades. 'Tis evident the punishment hath begun.

Queen of Clubs. Oh, the poor Knave! the poor Knave!

[More sounds of beating and more cries. The King of Spades becomes very much excited.]

King of Spades (shaking his fist in the direction of the cries). Have at him, good cousin of Hearts, have at him! Ah, but those are lusty blows! By my halidame, I would fain witness that controversy! [Slaps his knee.]

Joker. A most one-sided controversy, my lord.

King of Spades. Nay, but I warrant the King doth lay it on both sides. [More beating and cries.]

Joker. Ay, from the sounds, he doth lay it on. But, doubtless, it will whet his appetite.

King of Spades. His appetite? Now, by St. Dagobert, I have already an appetite as I had beaten an hundred knaves!

Joker. Then will it also be a one-sided controversy when you meet the banquet board.

King of Spades. I would fain go out and beat the Knave for causing this delay. (Sounds and cries.) Have at him! Have at him, sir! Now, a good one for me, sir, a good one!

[The sounds and cries gradually cease.]

Queen of Clubs. Prithee, Sir Joker, finish your rhyme; you did but sing the first lines.

Joker (sings).

"The Queen of Hearts She baked some tarts All on a summer's day; The Knave of Hearts He stole those tarts, And bore them far away. "The King of Hearts Called for those tarts, And beat the Knave full sore—"

Enter the King of Hearts, L., somewhat out of breath, rolling down his sleeves, and followed by the Knaves of Diamonds, Clubs, and Spades.

King of Hearts. Ah, but I did ply the rod right lustily! I am quite aweary. [Sits down.]

King of Spades (rubbing his hands). We did much enjoy the music!

Queen of Hearts. Good spouse, I would beg one thing of thee. It being the Fourth of July, and so our nation's birthday, spare the rogue his life. Let him come before us again. You heard him say he would make explanation. Let him come and speak. Perchance it is not too late for him to make restitution.

King of Hearts (in astonishment). Dost thou truly desire that the varlet should be spared?

Queen of Hearts (pleading). Ay, truly, my lord. And I do especially yearn for the return of the fire-crackers.

King of Spades. Ay, cousin, if he would but return the fire-crackers, hear him, I urge, hear him.

King of Hearts (to the three Knaves). Hale me hither that Knave again. (Exeunt the Knaves, L.) I greatly doubt me, sweet lady, that the thieving churl will return the crackers. He did not return the tarts. But if he can and does return the fire-crackers, then at your request will I spare him his life.

Queen of Hearts. You make me promise of that, my King?

King of Hearts. You have my word upon it.

[Enter, L., the three Knaves escorting the Knave of Hearts, who is very sore as a result of his beating.]

King of Hearts. Knave, the Queen hath begged of me to let thee speak ere the headsman seals thy lips forever.

Knave of Hearts. A blessing upon you, good lady.

King of Hearts. And now speak what thou hast to say, and may thy words be brief.

Knave of Hearts. My liege, I did not steal the fire-crackers. I did but see them near the tapers, and I did fear lest they catch fire and explode upon the table. Methought they were the daintier did they hold some sweet contents, and so I took them and bore them off, and found them void. So then I was about to bring them back to the banquet board, when yon messengers did seize me and hale me roughly before your Majesties.

King of Hearts. And thou didst have intention to return them?

Knave of Hearts. Ay, verily, my liege. Verily I did. I plead now that I be allowed to bring them to the board.

King of Hearts. Speakest thou the truth, Knave?

Knave of Hearts. Every word is truth, sire.

King of Hearts. Then go thou and seek the fire-crackers. (To the other Knaves.) And go ye with him. (To the Knave of Hearts.) The Queen holds my word that if thou bringest them back, I spare thy life. Now look to thyself. Away!

[Exeunt, L., the four Knaves.]

Joker. It is a cheap life that costeth but eight fire-crackers!

King of Spades. Ay, but the fire-crackers be worth more than yon Knave's life.

Queen of Hearts. Come, speak no more of his life. It is no longer forfeit. He hath promised restitution, and the King will bestow plenary pardon.

King of Spades. Well, as for me, I am more anxious as to the crackers than as to any Knave's life.

[Music. Enter, L., the four Knaves, each bearing two large fire-crackers. There are tarts in each. The Knaves sand side by side along the wall, L.]

King of Spades. Aha, the fire-crackers, the fire-crackers!

Queen of Spades. And most wondrous, wondrous are they!

Queen of Diamonds. Truly they be most marvellously fashioned.

King of Hearts. Now, Knave, according to my promise, and because of the gracious intercession of the Queen, thy life is spared, for thou hast brought back the fire-crackers. Take them to the board. And if ever again thou art taken a thief, thou needst not reckon thy life at the hundredth part of a farthing.

King of Spades. But, Sir King, the Knave did say he took the fire-crackers that he might place somewhat therein.

King of Hearts. True, I remember he said so. Hast thou placed aught within them, Knave?

Knave of Hearts. Ay, my lord. When I did first purloin the Queen's tarts last summer, methought to eat them. But being so sorely beaten by your Majesty, I did refrain, and so kept the tarts uneaten. To-day I return the tarts in the fire-crackers, thereby making double restitution to her most charitable and generous Majesty the Queen of Hearts.

[The Knaves open the fire-crackers and shake out the tarts into a tray held by the Joker.]

Queen of Hearts. The tarts?

"THE IDENTICAL TARTS!"

Knave of Hearts. Ay, my Queen, the identical tarts.

Queen of Clubs. But they must be stale of the last summer?

Joker. Nay, fair lady. These be royal tarts, and not of the general. Age cannot stale them, nor can human possibility limit their infinite variety.

Queen of Hearts. Taste them, fair cousins, taste them.

[The Joker passes around the tarts; each player takes one.]

King of Spades. And do I not taste? Do I have no tart?

Queen of Hearts. Ay, Sir King, there shall none go hungry here.

King of Spades (having taken a tart with each hand, bites out of each in turn as he speaks). Ah, a strawberry tart and a gooseberry tart. But they be both most toothsome. Most excellent, most excellent, my lady of Hearts.

Queen of Diamonds. Verily they are as if they had but just come from the oven!

Queen of clubs. Most deliciously sweet.

Queen of Spades. So good I never tasted before.

King of Hearts (to Knave of Hearts). It is well for thee, Knave, that thou hast so wisely demeaned thyself. The return of the tarts cleanses thee of all past evil-doing. Henceforth I hope thou wilt be, as before, a good Knave, a strong Knave, and a loyal Knave. Good friends, let us now to the banquet.

King of Spades. A most laudable purpose!

[The King of Hearts offers his hand to the Queen of Hearts, and conducts her from the throne to the front of the stage. The three other Queens rise and group themselves in a semicircle behind the King and Queen of Hearts. Thus, beginning from the right side of the stage, the characters stand in this order in the semicircle: King of Spades, Queen of Spades, King of Clubs, Queen of Clubs, King of Diamonds, Queen of Diamonds, Joker, Knave of Hearts, Knave of Spades, Knave of Diamonds, and Knave of Clubs.]

Queen of Hearts (addressing the audience).

Kind friends, our play is done. The crackers are returned; Our end is won, The lesson's learned; And all that's left to do Upon this festive eve Is that we give to you Our thanks before you leave. But as you go, take this; It is not quite a moral— Yet the point you cannot miss, And so we shall not quarrel: 'Tis well the Knave did not retain These things, but brought them back. 'Tis good we made the King refrain From executing Jack, Else none could play at cards again Short one Knave in the pack.

[curtain.]

The costumes of the Kings and Queens and Knaves should be made to correspond as nearly as possible with the costumes of those characters in a pack of playing-cards, the colors used being red, white, yellow, and black. The Joker should be dressed in the regulation costume of a court jester of the sixteenth century, with cap and bells. This player should be selected with particular regard for his ability to enact the part, which requires gracefulness, some ability to sing, and a careless, debonair manner of speaking. If there are enough players available, the spectacular effect of the piece can be greatly enhanced by adding soldiers and court attendants to the speaking characters. The latter should be dressed like the lower Heart cards of the pack. This effect may be obtained by dressing the players in tunics (something like the placards worn by the "sandwich-men" who display advertisements on the streets), on which the face of the card may be easily represented with pieces of red flannel cut into the shape of hearts. The stage decoration should be entirely of hearts arranged in every conceivable combination. The fire-crackers should be of papier-maché, and made so as to open at one end. Such can be obtained at almost any confectioner's. The larger they are, the better. The tarts should be real tarts. Portières should be hung in the two entrances, and if possible should resemble ancient tapestry. The effect of beating (when the King is punishing the Knave of Hearts) is easily obtained by having some one behind the scenes beat a rug or carpet with a cane—the louder the better. The fire-crackers in the opening scene should be set off in an empty barrel behind the scenes. The characters must remember that they are representing figures on playing-cards, and should be careful always to take the attitudes familiar to us on such cards. This is not required of the Joker. A pianist can add greatly to the effect of the performance by playing appropriate music at the entrance of the various characters, and at such other periods of the performance as may seem proper.

The four royal couples are supposed to represent different human characteristics. The Hearts are lovable, gentle, well-bred people. The Diamonds are rich, overbearing persons, and the Queen should be decked out with jewels. The Clubs represent social and political prominence and arrogance, and should hold themselves accordingly. The Spades are the exponents of the under-bred, uneducated, but well-meaning portion of society. Thus the Knave of Spades should be a good-natured fat fellow, meaning no harm, but not particularly comely or graceful.

If soldiers are added to the cast, they should enter with the King and Queen of Hearts, and take up their positions along the back of the stage at either side of the thrones. They should also stand by the doors, and should take the parts assigned to the Knaves in the scene where the Knave of Hearts is dragged before the King, and led away to be punished. But the returning of the fire-crackers must be done by the four Knaves.

The players who take the parts of the red cards should, if possible, be light haired, those who represent the black cards should be dark haired.

In the stage directions, R. stands for Right; L. for Left. The right and left sides of the stage correspond to the right and left sides of the spectators, not of the players.

George. "Mamma, baby's a stupid little fellow: the other day he cried for an hour, and then he didn't get it."