PLAYS
Reading edition
Dialogues, Speakers for School, Club and Parlor. Catalogue free.
T. S. DENISON, Publisher, Chicago, Ill.
THE SONG OF THE MUSES.
What is that melody weird and wild That throbs and sobs like the wail of a child Through the quiet night so still and mild? Behold, it is a choir feline, With tenors, altos—all told, nine; Those are the Mewses, I opine.
A PRACTICAL LITTLE GIRL.
"Oh, for the wings of a dove!" sang Mollie.
"What do you want with the wings of a dove, my dear?" asked her mother.
"To put on my new hat," said Mollie.
HIS EXPLANATION.
"See here, Tommie," observed Tommie's teacher, "you ought to be able to spell your own name."
"I can," said Tommie.
"Then why don't you? You've written it Tomie instead of Tommie."
"Oh, as for that," said Tommie, "you told us not to waste anything, and that extra m is just a waste of ink."
GOING INTO A NEW LINE.
"What'll you swap off a three-cent Nicaragua '95 for, Jack?" asked Jack's uncle of the young stamp-collector.
"I won't swap it off for anything, Uncle George, but I tell you what I will do. I'll swap off my whole collection for a goat. Stamps are always the same, but goats—my—they're never the same!"
NOTHING WONDERFUL.
"So you don't think much of Jack the Giant-killer, eh, Bobbie?"
"NO. He was smart. But not particularly wonderful. Why, look at me! I can tire my Pa out in five minutes, and I guess he could lick any giant Jack ever saw."
During the winter months the farmers' boys and girls have lots of fun with their parties, taffy pulls, and such enjoyments, and considerable humor can be found in their happy repartee. At one of these candy parties a guest not altogether liked by some of the girls, unfortunately sat in a saucer of maple sugar left on a chair to cool off, and his unceremonious departure was the wonder of the evening. It was rather hard on the young man, and it is doubtful whether he found anything to end his embarrassment in the note he received the next day from the daughter, saying that if the "Mr. D—— who sat in the saucer of maple sugar last night will kindly return the saucer, he will save himself further trouble."
AN OBJECTION.
"I hate dancing-school," said Jack. "It's lots of fun dancing, but every time I want to waltz I have to load myself up with some girl or other. Why can't they let a feller dance by himself?"
A SURGEON OF THE BICYCLE.
There are enterprising bicycle people in England as well as in this country. A year or more ago London was flooded with the following circular by a bicycle-repairer, which is ingenious enough in its wording to have been the product of a Yankee:
"Bicycle surgery.
"Acute and chronic cases treated with assurance of success.
"Languid tires restored to health and vigor.
"Tires blown up without pain. Wind free. No cure, no pay asked.
"We understand the anatomy, physiology, and hygiene of wheels, and homœopathic or allopathic treatment, as individual cases require. Sure cure guaranteed.
"Testimonials:
"'My wheel had three ribs fractured, and you cured it in one treatment.'
"'My tires were suffering with a case of acute aneurism, which had been pronounced fatal by other bicycle-doctors, but you cured the disorder, and I did not lose a day of my tour.'
"Thousands of testimonials like the above sent on application.
"Dr. Blank, B.S. (Bicycle Surgeon.) No. — Tottenham Court Road."
FORCE OF HABIT.
He was thoroughly a business man, and he judged everything from the point of view of weight—as was natural, since he dealt in things which were sold according to their avoirdupois. One day somebody asked him if he had any children.
"Yes," he said. "I've got 453 pounds of boys, and 236 pounds of girls."
A SMALL BOY'S FEET.
"If it wasn't for me my class in school wouldn't have any standing at all," said Hubert.
"Nonsense!" said his aunt. "Your mother says you are the foot of it."
"I am," said Hubert. "How could it stand if it didn't have a foot?"
NOT REPEATED.
"When you stepped on that gentleman's foot, Tommie, I hope you apologized?"
"Oh, yes, indeed I did," said Tommie, "and he gave me ten cents for being such a good boy."
"Did he? And what did you do then?"
"Stepped on the other and apologized again, but it didn't work."
A JOKE UNDER THE SEA.
"Let's get up a minstrel show," said the Shad to the Shark.
"All right," said the Shark. "I've got a splendid mouth for tambo."
"And think of my capacity for the bones, eh?" said the Shad.
And the minnows in the school that was swimming by laughed so heartily that they swam down the Shark's throat without knowing it.