Act 3 — ACT III

Monday. ARIADNE is alone in the drawing-room, reading. MARY is clearing away tea. The front door bell rings.

ARIADNE. I am at home to anybody, Mary. From the Mayor downwards—(after thought)—upwards—(after further thought)—downwards.

MARY. Yes, madam.

(She goes out, leaving the door open. In a little while HECTOR’S voice is heard booming.)

HECTOR’S VOICE. Ah, Mary! Is Mr. Winter in? I just dropped in on my way next door.... (MARY’S voice is not heard.) ... Ah! No, I think perhaps.... No, it was your master I particularly wished—in the circumstances perhaps hardly⁠——Thank you, thank you.

(He goes, MARY comes back.)

MARY. It was Mr. Chadwick, madam. He said⁠——

ARIADNE (smiling). I heard him, Mary. He talks very clearly.

MARY. Thank you, madam.

[She goes out.

(ARIADNE returns to her book.)

ARIADNE (to herself). Cut by Hector. (JOHN comes in, evening paper in hand. She jumps up) Darling! (JOHN takes no notice.) Cut—by John. (She goes back to the sofa and picks up her book) And now I’ve lost the place. That comes of being impetuous. (JOHN settles down with the paper.) Did you see Hector? (JOHN grunts.) Yes or no, as the case may be.... He’s just gone out.... He’s coming back again.... (After a long pause) How delightful.

JOHN (sulkily). What?

ARIADNE. Oh, nothing. (After a pause) Anything in the paper?

JOHN. No.

ARIADNE. Nothing in the paper. (After a pause) Did you have a good day?

JOHN. H’m.

ARIADNE. A good day. Now what shall I say next? (Brightly, after a pause) I’m reading a book about bees.

JOHN. H’m.

ARIADNE. What a mercy! I’ve found a subject which interests him.... It says in my book about bees that when the queen bee has finished with her husband she kills him. Did you know that? It’s a funny idea, isn’t it? You’d have thought that she’d have kept him to talk to her in the evenings. It must be so lonely for her without anybody.

JOHN. H’m.

ARIADNE. He isn’t as fascinated as I thought. (After a pause) I wish I had been married to Hector. Whatever his faults, nobody can say that he doesn’t talk.

JOHN (rudely). And nobody can say that his wife ran away from him.

ARIADNE (sweetly). Oh, is that what it is? I knew there was something the matter.

JOHN (throwing down his paper). What do you expect me to do? Thank you for coming back to me, and then chatter away gaily as though nothing had happened?

ARIADNE. No, but I think that, after two days of completely silent thought, you ought to do something. What are you going to do, John?

JOHN (mumbling). Haven’t decided.

ARIADNE. Would you like me to go away for a few days until you have decided?

JOHN (brutally). With whom?

ARIADNE. Oh, John! (She shakes her head at him.)

JOHN (angrily). Why do you make me say things like that? I was just reading my paper—and then you make me say horrible things like that. What do you expect me to do? I’ve tried to see Meldrum, I keep on trying to see Meldrum, but if he’s away, what can I do?

ARIADNE (surprised). Away?

JOHN. Of course he’s away. At least he’s never at home or at his office when I go to see him.

ARIADNE (eagerly). What are you going to say to him?

JOHN. Tell him that, if I see him inside my house again, I’ll knock his head off.

ARIADNE. John! My darling! (She goes to him and puts her arms round his neck.)

JOHN. Go away! (He tries to unloose her arms.)

ARIADNE. And you are prepared to lose all his business?

JOHN (bravely). If necessary.

ARIADNE (admiringly). John!

JOHN (hopefully). It may not come to that, of course.

ARIADNE. But it must!

JOHN (uncomfortably). My dear child, you can’t let sentiment interfere with business. No business man does. If it’s convenient to Meldrum that I should continue to act for him, naturally he will want me to.

ARIADNE. And naturally you will?

JOHN. Naturally.

ARIADNE (leaving him). I think I shall go on with my book about bees.

Enter MARY.

MARY. Miss Ingleby is at the door and wants to know if you’re engaged, madam.

ARIADNE. Oh no, ask her in, Mary.

MARY. Yes, madam.

[She goes out.

ARIADNE. You’d better pretend you’re busy, hadn’t you, dear? Janet would know at once that you didn’t love me any more.

JOHN (sulkily). Right.

[He goes out and is heard speaking to JANET.

JOHN (outside). How are you? You’ll find Ariadne in there. I’ve got one or two letters to write.

JANET. Thanks. (She comes in.)

ARIADNE. Good-evening, dear. I suppose you’ve had tea.

JANET. Oh, Lord, yes, ages ago. (She sits down.) I rather want your advice, that’s why I came.

ARIADNE. Well, as long as you promise not to take it⁠——

JANET. That’s something about you that makes you different from most of the people here.

ARIADNE. I suppose Hector would think it uncivic of me to take that as a compliment.

JANET. Well, anyway, I’ll tell you what’s happened; though, I know pretty well what you’ll say.

ARIADNE. How disappointing of you!... Go ahead. (Tucking them away) I’m all ears.

JANET. Well, I went to London on Saturday.

ARIADNE. London! On Saturday! Fancy!

JANET. To have lunch with some friends. I was coming back by that 5 train⁠——

ARIADNE. I know. It isn’t a very good one.

JANET. How funny! That was just what Horace Meldrum said.

ARIADNE (surprised). Horace Meldrum? When?

JANET. When he saw me catching it.

ARIADNE (innocently). Oh, did he go to London on Saturday?

JANET. He had to run up to see a man about something.

ARIADNE. Oh, I see.

JANET. We were both catching the 5 train back.

ARIADNE. Fancy! So he was coming back too?

JANET. Well, he was at the station anyway.

ARIADNE. Looking for somebody perhaps.

JANET. Well, anyhow we met just outside the platform, and naturally we got talking, and he said that the best train of the day was the 10.45.

ARIADNE. Yes, I’ve heard that very well spoken of.

JANET. And he thought it would be rather fun if we had dinner somewhere and came back by that train together.

ARIADNE. He likes a little bit of fun, I know.

JANET. I thought it would be rather fun, too. So we did.

ARIADNE (anxiously). He didn’t mention any—better trains?

JANET. No, that was the best.

ARIADNE. And you caught it?

JANET. Yes.

ARIADNE (with a sigh of relief). Then what do you want my advice about?

JANET. Well, I’m telling you.

ARIADNE. Sorry.

JANET. He got a bit wuzzy at dinner—well, I don’t mind that, I’ve seen a bit of it in my time.

ARIADNE. However old are you? A hundred and one?

JANET. When I say wuzzy, I don’t mean—well, he could have driven a car all right. I mean fond of himself—and of me—and of the waiters—you know.

ARIADNE. I know.

JANET. And in the train—we had a carriage to ourselves⁠——

ARIADNE. Really? First class, I suppose?

JANET. Yes, and the guard was a friend of his.

ARIADNE. Mr. Meldrum has a great many friends in the guards.

JANET. Well, in the train⁠——

ARIADNE. I suppose he kissed you.

JANET. Well, of course! You don’t think I am making a song about that, do you?

ARIADNE. I’m sorry, go on.

JANET. Well, in the train he asked me to marry him.

ARIADNE (awed). Janet, I wish I could have heard him.

JANET. It was rather funny. He asked me to share his little nest, and things like that. Well, I told him that I couldn’t say off-hand, and he said, “That’s right, little woman, you think it over.” But he’s been practically living with us since, talking business with Father, and he thinks it’s settled, and Father thinks it’s settled, and⁠——

ARIADNE. And Janet?

JANET. Janet isn’t quite certain. Because, you see, there’s a lot to be said on both sides.

ARIADNE. I see. And which side do you want me to say it on?

JANET. I know what you’ll say—you’ll say, “Of course you mustn’t.”

ARIADNE (indignantly). I shan’t say anything of the sort.

JANET. You’re a bit old-fashioned in some ways. Don’t you think so?

ARIADNE. I’m trying not to be.

JANET. I feel that at any moment you’ll ask me if I’m in love with Horace.

ARIADNE. My dear child—I mean, my dear elderly friend, how could I ask you anything so ridiculous?

JANET. Mind you, I’m not saying that I have no use for love. But what I feel is that love and marriage are two different things.

ARIADNE. They are sometimes, of course.

JANET. Well, look round a bit, at all the married couples you know. How many of them are in love with each other? Are the Chadwicks?

ARIADNE (twinkling). You must ask Hector one day—when I’m there.

JANET (suddenly). I’ll ask somebody else. Are you and John?

ARIADNE. Oh, my dear! How embarrassing of you!

JANET. Well, tell me.

ARIADNE (after a pause). I think so, Janet.... In our hearts.... It gets covered up from time to time with business, and domestic worries, and other things, but I think it’s there.

JANET (a little taken aback). Oh!

ARIADNE. That’s what makes marriage such terrible fun. Trying to keep it. Trying to find it again. The other thing is so ridiculously easy. Any fool can get married, and throw her hand in.

JANET. Y-yes.

ARIADNE. You and I are much too good for that, Janet. We’re in a different class. Any brainless little fluffity girl can marry, and fall in love with somebody else, and be fallen in love with. It takes a real woman to keep marriage intact.... You could do it.... And it is such fun. But you must have the right husband to start with.... Oh yes, John and I are all right ... really ... though perhaps he doesn’t know it just at this moment.

JANET (thoughtfully). I felt perhaps it was a bit cheap.

ARIADNE. Cheap ... yes.... Free love—and free verse. They may be better, but—(with a smile)—but they’re a damn sight easier. I like difficult things. (There is a short silence.)

JANET (getting up slowly). Yes. Horace is too easy.

ARIADNE. Much.

JANET. Thanks, Ariadne.

ARIADNE. Do something for me.

JANET. Of course.

ARIADNE (smiling to herself). Let him think—for to-day anyhow—that it is settled.

JANET. My dear, it will take me more than a day to persuade him that it isn’t.

ARIADNE. And it really isn’t?

JANET. It isn’t. Horace is off.... Charlie was off.... I suppose I shall find somebody one day.

ARIADNE. Why not find a job of work to do while you’re looking round?

JANET (struck by the novelty of it). Good idea! I will. So long. (She goes ... wondering what she could do.)

(Left alone, ARIADNE waits until JANET is out of the house, and then opens the door and calls across to JOHN’S study.)

ARIADNE. John!... John.... It’s all right, Janet has gone. We can resume our silence from where we left off.... Bother! (She wanders round the room in an undecided way, and then goes back to the sofa and picks up her book.) I suppose it will have to be bees again.

Enter MARY.

MARY. Oh, Mr. Meldrum rang up, madam, while you were engaged with Miss Ingleby. I couldn’t quite catch whether it was Mr. or Mrs. Winter he was asking for. He just wanted to know if you was in.

ARIADNE (hopefully). Yes, Mary?

MARY. He was coming round, I understood him to say, madam. I think the master has gone up to dress. I think I heard him going into the bathroom.

(The front door bell rings.)

ARIADNE. Oh! Well, you’d better show Mr. Meldrum in here in case it’s very urgent business.

MARY. Yes, madam, I think that’s him now.

ARIADNE. Very well, Mary. (MARY goes out and ARIADNE smiles to herself on the sofa.) Dear Horace!

MARY (announcing). Mr. Meldrum.

HORACE comes in.

HORACE (advancing airily, hand extended). Ah, dear lady, I just looked round to say how sorry I was⁠——

ARIADNE (rising dramatically). Horace!

HORACE (less airily). How sorry I was our little luncheon fell through⁠——

ARIADNE. My darling!

HORACE (startled). Eh?

ARIADNE. I was afraid something had happened to you.

HORACE. Oh no, no, no. A little bit of business turned up. You know how it does. And I said to myself, “Mrs. John is a sensible woman, she’ll understand how it is when a little bit of business turns up. She’ll let me off that little bit of lunch I promised her.” But I thought I’d just come round—only polite⁠——

ARIADNE (bewildered). Horace!

HORACE. What’s the matter?

ARIADNE. Ah, I understand. How tactful of you. But you can speak quite safely now. We are alone. My husband is upstairs having a bath. Darling!

HORACE. I—I—I—Really!

ARIADNE. As if business would have kept you away from me! What was it, dear? You had an accident? You fell down?

HORACE. Really, Mrs. Winter, I don’t quite—I think you must have made⁠——(He breaks off, not knowing what to say.)

ARIADNE. Ah, but never mind! We are all right now.

HORACE (mechanically). All right now.

ARIADNE. Quite sure?

HORACE. Quite sure.

ARIADNE. Then when do we start?

HORACE. When do we⁠——?

ARIADNE. When do we start?

HORACE (mechanically). Start.

ARIADNE. Yes, start.

HORACE. Start where?

ARIADNE. That’s for you to say, Horace. What about Spain?

HORACE. Spain?

ARIADNE. Yes, Spain.

HORACE (mechanically). Spain.... Spain.... Spain.... Spain....

ARIADNE. Spain—until it’s all blown over.

HORACE. Spain until it’s all blown over.... (With an effort) My dear lady, I—I don’t know what you’re talking about.

ARIADNE (horrified). Horace!

HORACE. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

ARIADNE. Have I made a terrible mistake?

HORACE (seeming to find some comfort in the phrase). I don’t know what you’re talking about.

ARIADNE. You did ask me to come away with you?

HORACE. I don’t know what⁠——

ARIADNE. To leave my husband and come away with you?

HORACE (with energy). Never! Never! Never! Never!

ARIADNE. Not on that Friday night when I wore your rose?

HORACE. Never!

ARIADNE. And you wore mine?

HORACE. Never!

ARIADNE. We are thinking of the same Friday? I mean this last one.

HORACE. Never thought of such a thing. Never entered my head.

ARIADNE (wrinkling her forehead). I’m sure you said something.

HORACE (awkwardly). Just a little bit of lunch—I don’t say I didn’t suggest a little bit of lunch. What’s the harm in that?

ARIADNE. Was that really all?

HORACE. Absolutely all, ’pon my honour.

ARIADNE. Oh! How awful!

HORACE. Awful? What’s awful?

ARIADNE. What have I done?

HORACE. What have you done?

ARIADNE. Why, you see, I left a note for John.

HORACE (faintly). You left what?

ARIADNE. You see, I misunderstood you, and I left a note for John saying we were going away together.

HORACE. But—but—but⁠——

ARIADNE. And then you didn’t meet me as we arranged, and I thought you must have had some terrible accident, so I hurried back here to wait until you were well again.

HORACE (anxiously). Yes, but what about the note?

ARIADNE. It was too late. John had read it.

HORACE. But—but—but—my dear lady⁠——

ARIADNE. Wasn’t it a pity?

HORACE. But wha—wha—what did it say?

ARIADNE. Oh, just that you and I were going away together, and he wasn’t to follow us. I didn’t say anything about Spain, because I wasn’t quite sure.

HORACE. Well, of all the—well, of all the—well, of all the⁠——

ARIADNE (penitently). I was hasty, I see that now. But what are we going to do?

HORACE. What’s he going to do, that’s the point?

ARIADNE. Do you mean John?

HORACE (anxiously). What’s he been doing these last two days?

ARIADNE (simply). Waiting for you, Horace.

HORACE (nervously). How do you mean, waiting for me?

ARIADNE. Just waiting for you. I think he wants to speak to you.

HORACE (hopefully). Ah, yes, yes. Perhaps that’s it. There is a little matter of business between us⁠——

ARIADNE. This wasn’t business, Horace. He talked as though it would be a pleasure. He’s been looking for you everywhere.

HORACE. What do you think he’s going to say?

ARIADNE. He didn’t tell me. All he said was that he was going to break your neck for you.

HORACE (in alarm). But—but—but—but—but⁠——

ARIADNE. But I suppose he’ll say, “Ah, Meldrum, here you are,” first.

HORACE. But—but—but I’ve just fixed things up with old Ingleby. Little Miss Janet and I—well, but that shows how ridiculous the whole thing is. I’m marrying Miss Ingleby.

ARIADNE (reproachfully). Not with a broken neck!

HORACE (anxiously). But look here, my dear lady, you must explain. Tell him the whole thing was a horrible mistake.

ARIADNE. Oh, I shall. In fact I’m sure he’ll feel it for himself. He’ll look down at the body and say, “Yes, it was a mistake. I oughtn’t to have done it.” And I shall say, “I told you so, John. You see, we’ve got nowhere to put it.” And he’ll say, “What about the cellar?” and I shall say, “It’s much too big for the cellar,” and he will say⁠——(But the sight of HORACE’S face is too much for her. Weakly she adds) And he will say⁠——(and then breaks down altogether, and laughs hysterically).

HORACE (anxiously). There, there, my dear lady! (He tries to pat her back. She waves him away, and goes on laughing.) There! there!... There! there!... Try holding the breath ... there, there!

ARIADNE (shaking her head at him). Oh, Mr. Meldrum! (She laughs again.)

HORACE (with sudden relief). You were joking? Of course! That’s it! You were just joking about John and the letter you left for him! You haven’t told him anything. Of course you haven’t.

ARIADNE (still rather weak). Oh, Mr. Meldrum!

HORACE (anxious again). What? Wasn’t it⁠——

ARIADNE. And the poor man actually thought I was attracted by him!

HORACE (indignantly). What?

ARIADNE. He thought I wanted to share a first-class carriage with him!

HORACE. Who?

ARIADNE. Have a little bit of lunch with him—a little bit of dinner with him—in pink muslin!

HORACE (utterly undone). Well, I’m damned!

ARIADNE. Catch the last train with him! Good gracious, the man even thought I wanted to miss the last train with him! With him! (She points to him, and goes off into laughter again.)

HORACE. Well, upon my word⁠——

ARIADNE. Oh, Mr. Meldrum, you funny, funny man!

HORACE (hardly able to believe it). You mean to tell me that you were pulling my leg from the word “Go”?

ARIADNE (weakly). Yes. At least, from the word “nesting.”

HORACE. You’ve just been making a fool of me?

ARIADNE. No, no. Looking on while you made a fool of yourself.

HORACE. Well, upon my soul! (He stares at her in wonderment.)

ARIADNE. You really mustn’t make love to married women, you know. You haven’t got the figure for it. I’m not sure that you ought to make love to anybody.

HORACE. Fooled me! Fooled poor old Horace Meldrum!

ARIADNE. From the word muslin.

HORACE (gazing at her in admiration). You are a little devil!

ARIADNE. But then you like them to show a bit of spirit, don’t you?

HORACE. By gad, I do! To think that a bit of a woman like you⁠——

ARIADNE. Oh, I’m rather more than that. I’m almost all of it.

HORACE (beginning to laugh reminiscently). Right from the beginning! Poor old Horace bringing round his flowers ... poor old Horace arranging his little bit of dinner.... Why, I’d actually telephoned for a table—what do you think of that? At least my clerk had.... Well, well, well—and you were fooling me all the time! Fooling poor old Horace Meldrum! What the boys would say if they knew! Ha, ha, ha! (He goes off into happy laughter.)

ARIADNE. It is funny, isn’t it? (She laughs too.)

HORACE (rolling with laughter). The way you kept it up!

ARIADNE. If you could have seen your face!

HORACE. Fooled by a woman! Ha, ha, ha!

JOHN (outside). Is that Meldrum?

HORACE (still laughing weakly—his back to the door). And of course he’s in the joke too! Ha, ha, ha!

(JOHN comes down the stairs two at a time, and bursts in, in his shirt sleeves, his coat in his hand.)

JOHN (fiercely). Ah, Meldrum, here you are!

HORACE (weakly). That’s how you said he’d begin! Ha, ha, ha.... Yes, John, old boy, here I am ... oh dear, oh dear! (He mops at his eyes, still shaking with laughter.)

JOHN. Stand up!

HORACE (chuckling to ARIADNE). He’s going through with it. (Meekly as he stands up) Yes, John.

JOHN. Don’t call me John.

ARIADNE. No, John. (To ARIADNE) And he’s taken his coat off and all!

ARIADNE (going to JOHN). Shall I help you on, dear?

JOHN (to ARIADNE). I think you had better leave us.

HORACE. That’s good! “I think you had better leave us.” That’s damned good. (He chuckles.)

ARIADNE (helping him on). Why, dear?

HORACE. He’s going to break my neck, Mrs. Winter. You can’t do that in the presence of ladies. It isn’t polite.

JOHN (stiffly). I wish to have a few words in private with Mr. Meldrum.

HORACE. A few words in private. Capital!

ARIADNE. As this concerns me, I feel that I ought to be present.

HORACE. Of course she ought. Come, come, John, you can’t spoil the fun by sending her away.

JOHN (grimly). Fun!

HORACE (chuckling). As pretty a little bit of fun as ever I saw. And I like a joke. Nobody can say I don’t like a joke. I like a joke with any man. (He sinks into the sofa again.)

JOHN. Stand up!

ARIADNE. John, he’s tired.

HORACE (getting up). No, no, I’ll play the game. You don’t catch Horace Meldrum spoiling a bit of fun.... Do I hold my hands up? (He winks at ARIADNE.)

JOHN. You ran away with my wife.

HORACE. Yes, that’s right. Spain.

JOHN. What?

HORACE. Spain. We were going to Spain. (To ARIADNE) It was Spain, wasn’t it?

ARIADNE (nodding). Ronda.

HORACE. That’s right. What she said. In Spain.

JOHN. Oh, so it was to be Spain, was it? And, but for the accident of missing your train, you would be in Spain together now?

HORACE (murmuring to himself). But for the accident of missing the train, Mrs. Winter and I would have been in Spain. That’s good. I thought there was a bit of poetry there. (Putting it to music) But for the accident⁠——

JOHN (terrifyingly). Answer! Is it so?

HORACE. Well, I don’t know what the trains—(hastily) that is to say, I did look them up, of course—(looking at his watch)—yes, we should just about have been there now—where she said.

JOHN. And what the devil do you mean by it?

HORACE (playing up nobly). I can only say, as one gentleman to another, I’m sorry. (To ARIADNE) That’s pretty good for an amateur.

JOHN. What are you saying to my wife?

HORACE. That was what they call an “aside,” old boy.

JOHN. How dare you address my wife at all! Kindly confine your remarks to me in future.

HORACE (chuckling). Oh, damn good, damn good, on my soul.

JOHN (suddenly). What’s the matter with you? Have you been drinking?

HORACE (earnestly). Not a drop, my dear fellow, not a drop since tea—well, just after tea.

JOHN. You can understand what I’m saying?

HORACE. Perfectly. And believe me, my dear boy, I appreciate it. I didn’t know you had it in you.

JOHN (a trifle bewildered). Then if you can understand, listen to me.

HORACE (weakly). Yes, John. Don’t make it too difficult for me.

JOHN (very impressively). First: If I ever catch you in my house again, I’ll thrash you within an inch of your life. Secondly: Your deeds and papers will be sent back to you to-morrow, and after that I won’t soil my fingers by touching any of your dirty business again.

ARIADNE (to herself, meaning it). Oh, well done, John!

HORACE (meaning something else). Isn’t he good?

JOHN. And thirdly: If you so much as put a foot into my office again, I’ll tell one of my clerks to kick you out.

HORACE (in sheer admiration). Marvellous, my dear fellow, marvellous. (He chuckles to himself.) Wonderful touch that about soiling your fingers—with my business!

JOHN (to ARIADNE). Is he mad? What’s the matter with him?

ARIADNE. I think he thinks you’re joking, dear. I think he thinks you’ve been joking all the time.

JOHN (staggered). Joking?

ARIADNE. Yes, I think that’s what he thinks. I don’t think he’s taking you quite seriously.

JOHN (grimly). Oh!... So you think I’m joking, eh?

HORACE (comfortably). My dear man, I know you’re joking.

JOHN. And how do you know that?

HORACE. Good Lord, I’m not a fool. You wouldn’t be talking about business like that if you weren’t joking.

ARIADNE. Ah, John, you see!

JOHN (nettled). I’ll soon show you if I’m joking or not.

HORACE. You did it so damn well that just for a moment you almost took me in. But when you talk about throwing away good business—all the nice little jobs I’ve given you, and all the nice little jobs I’m going to give you—(chuckling) why then, bless you, I know you’re trying to pull my leg. That’s over-acting, my boy.

JOHN. So you think I’m joking when I say that I won’t do any more business for a man who tries to run away with my wife?

HORACE. Course I do.

JOHN. Damn you, I mean it.

HORACE (waving him down). No, no, dear boy.

JOHN (appealingly). Ariadne, tell him I mean it. Tell him I’m serious.

ARIADNE. But it sounds so silly, John.

JOHN (to HORACE). I mean it, do you hear?

HORACE (chuckling comfortably). No, no, dear boy. You’ve put up a very good performance, but now you’re getting carried away. It’s going to your head. As long as you talk about breaking my neck, and thrashing me within an inch of my life, that’s all right, I say nothing against that. That’s all in the character. But for a man to talk of throwing away good business, just because his wife and his best client⁠——

JOHN (grimly). Now I’m going to kill you.

HORACE (chuckling). Ah, stick to that and you can’t go wrong. That’s expected of a husband. That’s in the character. All I say⁠——

JOHN (advancing threateningly). I shouldn’t waste your breath talking. Put your hands up!

HORACE (in an ecstasy of admiring laughter). Oh, John, John, you’ll be the death of me. You ought to have gone on the stage.

JOHN. Put them up!

HORACE (retreating behind ARIADNE). Keep him off, Mrs. Winter. Stop him! Oh Lord, oh Lord, I haven’t laughed like this⁠——

JOHN. Out of the way, Ariadne.

ARIADNE. What are you going to do, John?

HORACE (between laughs). He’s going to kill me.

ARIADNE. You mustn’t do that.

HORACE. He’s doing it, Mrs. Winter, he’s doing it. I shall never get over this.

ARIADNE. I think you had better go, Mr. Meldrum.

HORACE. Yes, yes, I’ll go. Oh Lord, oh Lord! (As he goes to the door, JOHN makes a move after him.)

ARIADNE. John! (JOHN stops.) Stay here, please. I want to talk to you. (JOHN hesitates.) You’d better sit down. (JOHN sits down.) Thank you, dear. (Coldly) Good-bye, Mr. Meldrum.

HORACE (at the door, still rather weak). Good-bye, dear lady, good⁠——(Suddenly recovering himself) Why, bless my soul, I’d almost forgotten what I came about. Our little joke put it clean out of my head. (Very businesslike) John, I want to see you to-morrow about my marriage settlement—Janet and I have fixed things up—I arranged with old Ingleby to meet him at your office. Eleven o’clock suit you? Right. I’ll tell him. So long. (He nods to JOHN, and then slowly begins to chuckle to himself again.) You wag!

[He goes out.

JOHN (rather bewildered—after a pause). What was that he said? Marriage settlement?

ARIADNE. Yes, dear.

JOHN. Getting married? To Janet?

ARIADNE. He thinks so.

JOHN. Then how⁠——But in that case he couldn’t⁠——

ARIADNE. Exactly.

JOHN (after a pause, still puzzling it out). He said he thought it was all a joke my being angry. Why did he think it was all a joke?

ARIADNE. Because of what you said about giving up good business.

JOHN. Ridiculous nonsense!

ARIADNE. That was what he thought.

JOHN. Why shouldn’t I have given it up? Of course, to a man like Meldrum business would seem the only thing that mattered. But to any decent man⁠——(He stops.)

ARIADNE. To any decent man⁠——?

JOHN (still thinking). But that wasn’t it. Directly I came in he treated the whole thing as a joke. Why?

ARIADNE. Perhaps because I told him that the whole thing was a joke.

JOHN. You told him? (He stares at her.) Good Lord, then, you mean it wasn’t true that you were going off with him?

ARIADNE (reproachfully). True!

JOHN. Your letter⁠——(He feels in his pocket for it.)

ARIADNE. John, did you really think I could possibly⁠——

JOHN. But that telegram. You had made some sort of an arrangement with him.

ARIADNE. I might have had lunch with him if he’d caught his train. I don’t know. Would you mind that? Your favourite client.

JOHN (having found the letter). But if it was just lunch, why do you say this about going into the unknown together.

ARIADNE. We were lunching at Frascati’s.

JOHN. And that was all? Did he only suggest lunch? (She says nothing.) Did he?

ARIADNE (smiling to herself). Well, I led him on a little. Just to see how far he would go.

JOHN. Why? Oh, I see, to teach him a lesson.

ARIADNE. Mr. Meldrum? You can’t teach him anything.

JOHN. Then why?

ARIADNE. Well, perhaps to teach somebody else a lesson.

JOHN (blustering). I can’t make women out. How you could ever have thought of lunching with a man like that. But women are all the same, they never know a bounder when they see one.

ARIADNE. I suppose they don’t.

JOHN. Meldrum! And Janet Ingleby is going to marry him! There you are again. Just what I say.

ARIADNE. Women are funny, of course.

JOHN (still with the letter). Oh, then there’s this: “We are poles asunder, as Hector—We are poles asunder on the most vitally important thing in life.” What does that mean? What is the most vitally important thing in life?

ARIADNE (quietly). The order in which you put things. What comes first?

JOHN (uncomfortably). I don’t know what you mean. (Pathetically) God, I have had a rotten week-end.

ARIADNE (sympathetically). Have you, darling?

JOHN. I’ve been perfectly miserable. (Awkwardly) I told Meldrum off all right, didn’t I?

ARIADNE. You did, dear.

JOHN. I suppose he did go pretty far?

ARIADNE. Pretty far.

JOHN. That’s what I thought. That’s why I said I wouldn’t have any of his business in my office again. You heard me say that?

ARIADNE. Didn’t you hear me clapping?

JOHN (eagerly). Did you?

ARIADNE. Didn’t you see the pride of me?

JOHN (after a pause). I suppose I shall just have to do this marriage settlement for him. I can hardly get out of that very well. I mean—old Ingleby⁠——

ARIADNE. You needn’t be afraid. I fancy you’ll find that he has been rather hopeful about that.

JOHN. You mean she won’t marry him after all?

ARIADNE. Not she.

JOHN. Oh!... (Thoughtfully) What a pity! That might have led to something with old Ingleby. Well then (bravely, but a little reluctantly), I wash my hands of Meldrum’s business altogether. That’s settled.

ARIADNE. I don’t think you need go quite as far as that, John.

JOHN (relieved). Oh!... (Very firmly) Well, anyhow, he never comes into this house again.

ARIADNE. You know, I don’t think it would matter if he did. I think we understand each other now, and he rather amuses me.

JOHN (relieved) Oh! ... well—well, anyhow⁠——

(But there he stops. There seems to be no other heroic gesture available.)

ARIADNE. Well, I must be dressing. You’re ready. (She gets up.)

JOHN. I’ll come up. I’ve got one or two things to do. (He looks at his watch and mechanically goes to the clock to put it right. While he is doing this, his back to her, he says shyly) Ariadne!

ARIADNE. Yes?

JOHN (very shyly, very humbly). Thank you for not going away from me. (He holds out a hand behind him.)

ARIADNE (taking it). Oh, John!

(Hand in hand they walk to the door. He opens it for her.)

JOHN (with a little smile). Ariadne first!

ARIADNE (smiling too). Just for a little longer.

[She goes out.

(He waits to turn off the switch. The lamps by the fire are still alight—good money thrown away. Firmly, without hurrying, he begins to walk across the room⁠——)

ARIADNE (from outside). Come along, darling!

(He stops; looks at the light. After all, what is twopence? ARIADNE first! Magnificently he switches all the lights on, and goes after her.)