English Jests and Anecdotes (continued 3)

AN OUTLINE.

When the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came to London for the purpose of negotiating a peace, Charles Townshend, being asked whether the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered, “He did not know, but they had sent the outline of an ambassador.”

BACON.

A malefactor of the name of Hogg, under sentence of death, petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a reprieve, claiming a relationship. His lordship said, he could not possibly be bacon till he had first been hung.

DR. BENTLEY.

When the great Bentley, afterwards so distinguished, was examined for deacon’s orders, he expected that the bishop would himself examine him; and his displeasure at what he considered neglect he vented in such answers as the following:—

Chaplain. Quid est fides?

Bentley. Quod non vides.

C. Quid est spes?

B. Quid non habes.

C. Quid est charitas?

B. Maxima raritas.

This is said to have been enough to satisfy the chaplain, who took the rhymer to the bishop.

STRIKING LIKENESS.

Some years ago, a then itinerant portrait painter, whose reputation has since risen much above the point it at that time occupied, being employed to delineate the features of a musician of some eminence, who had taken up his temporary quarters at a watering place, the son of harmony was dissatisfied with the resemblance, and expressed his disapprobation rather strongly. “Who is that like, my dear?” asked the mortified artist of a fine little boy, the eldest hope of his employer. “Papa!” said the child. “So it is, my darling. You see, sir, your son is a better judge of a likeness than yourself. And where is it like papa, my dear?” “It’s very like papa about the fiddle!” was the answer. It is unnecessary to add, that no more questions were asked of the juvenile connoisseur.

ENDS OF JUSTICE.

It is strange to observe how blind the common people are, in general, to the ends of public justice. They seem to have almost all taken their notions on this subject from the Judaic law, which awarded life for life, and one article to be substituted for another; and punishment is by them rather looked upon as a revenge to gratify the offended person, or his manes, than as preventative of future crimes. In Scotland, for instance, if a man is to be hanged for stealing the sheep, or breaking the shop, of another, the aggrieved individual is sometimes found to express what he will perhaps consider a graceful regret for the fate of the culprit, as if it were only to avenge his petty quarrel, and not to vindicate the cause of offended justice, that the law was to take its course. This was well reproved, on one occasion, by Justice Burnet. A fellow, whom that judge was about to condemn for horse-stealing, said it surely was a hard thing to be hanged for stealing a horse. “You are not to be hanged, friend,” replied the Justice, “for stealing a horse, but that horses may not be stolen.”

LORD BOLINGBROKE.

The famous Lord Bolingbroke, being at Aix-la-chapelle, during the treaty of peace at that place (at which time his attainder was taken off), was asked by an impertinent Frenchman, whether he came there in any public character. “No, sir,” replied his Lordship, “I come like a French minister, with no character at all.”

WHAT’S IN A NAME.

In a party of ladies, on it being reported that a Captain Silk had arrived in town, they exclaimed, with one exception, “What a name for a soldier!” “The fittest name in the world,” rejoined a witty female; “for silk never can be worsted!”

GREAT ENCOURAGEMENT.

A gentleman about to join his regiment, stationed in the West Indies, was making some anxious inquiries of a brother officer, who had returned, after serving several years in that climate, concerning the best means of preserving health; to which the other replied, “During our passage out, many serious discussions took place about the mode of living best calculated to preserve health in a climate, with the fatal effects of which on European constitutions every one is so well acquainted. Some determined to be temperate, and drink nothing but water; others, not to deviate from their usual manner of living. Not to interrupt each other’s plans, we agreed to separate into two distinct messes, which, from their different modes of living, very soon obtained the distinctive appellations of the sober and the drunken club.” “Well,” said the other gentleman, with some anxiety, “and what was the result?” “Why, truly, not very satisfactory: we buried all the members of the sober club in the course of a few months, and I am the only survivor of the drunken.”

SIR GEORGE ROOKE.

The famous Sir George Rooke, when he was a captain of marines, was quartered at a village where he buried a good many of his men. At length, the parson refused to perform the ceremony of their interment any more, unless he was paid for it; which being told to Captain Rooke, he ordered six of his company to carry the corpse of the soldier then dead, and lay him upon the parson’s table. This so embarrassed the priest, that he sent the captain word, “If he would fetch the man away, he would bury him and all his company for nothing.”

NEW READING IN HORACE.

Sir Robert Walpole, at the close of his administration, was sitting one evening with some intimate friends, to whom he was complaining of the vanities and vexations of office, adding, from the second epistle of the second book of Horace,

“Pray, Sir Robert,” says one of his friends, “is that good Latin?” “Why, I think so—what objections have you to it?” “Why,” says the other drily, “I did not know but that the word might be bribe-isti in your Horace.”

PUNNING COMPETITION.

George IV., when Prince of Wales, and Charles Fox, one day enjoying a ride in the neighbourhood of Brighton, laid bets which of them should make the worst pun on the first subjects they met. Immediately after, meeting a man carrying a dead hare over his shoulder, Fox (who was to make the first essay of his wit) accosted him thus: “Friend, is that your own hare, or a wig?” Riding a little farther on, they came up with two men, one of whom held a snuff-box in his hand. “So, friend,” said the Prince, “I see you are a snuffer.” “Yes, sir,” replied the man. “And are you a snuffer also?” says he to the other man. “I am, please your honour.” “Well, then, you are a pair of snuffers.” Fox gained the bet.

NAVAL PUN.

A gentleman inquiring of a naval officer why sailors generally take off their shirts on going into action, was answered, that “they were unwilling to have any check to fighting.”

FALSE REPORT.

A gentleman meeting an old friend, whom he had not seen for a long time, congratulated him on lately coming to the possession of a large landed estate. “There was such a report,” replied the other; “but, if you will believe me, it was quite groundless.”

DIVERTING VAGABOND.

Mossop, the player, always spoke in heroics. A cobbler in Dublin, who once brought home his boots, refused to leave them without the money. Mossop came in whilst he was disputing, and, looking sternly, exclaimed, “Tell me, are you the noted cobbler I have often heard of?” “Yes,” says the fellow, “and I think you the diverting vagabond I have often seen.”

PLURALITIES.

When George I. landed at Greenwich, the inhabitants, after discussing the subject, of what was the highest honour they could confer upon the newly arrived sovereign, determined upon electing him churchwarden, which was accordingly done. A dispute, however, afterwards took place in the vestry, as to whether he who was elected to serve the office of king could serve the office of churchwarden at the same time.

LORD BARRYMORE.

One evening Lord Barrymore made a remark, which transported Anthony Pasquin so much, that he vociferated for writing materials to note it down. The former called him to order, and asked what he wanted? “Ink—ink—ink, my lord!” he replied, striking his hand on the table. “Do you?” said his lordship; “wash your hands, and then you’ll get a quart.”

RECIPE FOR COOKING BEEF-STEAKS.

Two gentlemen, remarkable for a nice appetite, were disputing at a coffee-house upon the best mode of cooking a beef-steak, and were enumerating the different processes for bringing it to the table in the highest perfection. Mr. Wewitzer, of Drury-Lane Theatre, who was present, observed, that “of all the methods of cooking a beef-steak, he thought Shakespeare’s recipe to be the shortest and the best.” Upon being asked for an explanation, “Why, gentlemen,” said Wewitzer,

WHAT DO YOU WAIT FOR?

An officer, who had lost an eye, supplied it with a glass one, which he always took out when he went to bed. Being in an inn, he took out his eye, and gave it to the wench who attended, desiring her to lay it on the table. The maid still waiting, and staring, he asked her, “What do you wait for?” “Only for the other eye, sir,” said she.

LIKE THE MINISTRY.

Lord North, exulting over Charles Fox, on the news, in an extraordinary gazette, of New York being conquered, the patriotic wit replied, “It is a mistake, sir; New York is not conquered; it is only like the ministry, abandoned!”

BON MOT OF A CLOWN, RELATED BY LORD SHAFTESBURY.

A clown once took a fancy to hear the Latin disputes of doctors at a university. He was asked what pleasure he could take in viewing such combatants, when he could never know so much as which of the parties had the better. “For that matter,” replied the clown, “I a’n’t such a fool neither, but I can see who’s the first that puts t’other in a passion.”

READY MONEY LEGACY.

An English stock-jobber, known for his unexampled parsimony, although possessed of an immense fortune, one day met a poor man, one of his own relations. “Come hither, George,” said the miser, “do you know I have just now made my will, and remembered you handsomely, my boy.” “God bless your honour,” said the grateful man, “you will be rewarded for so charitable an action, for you could not have thought of a more distressed family.” “Are you indeed so very poor, George?” “Sir, my family’s starving!” said the man, almost crying. “Harkye, then, George, if you will allow me a good discount, I will pay your legacy immediately.” We need not add, that the terms were accepted of, and that they parted equally pleased with the bargain they had concluded.

A BONNE BOUCHE.

An elderly lady, on a visit at Margate, went into the market, having made up her mind to buy a goose. There were but two in the market, both in custody of a little cherry-cheek’d lass from Birchington, who, to the surprise of her customer, positively refused to sell one without the other. Recollecting that a neighbour had also expressed a wish for one, the lady was, without much difficulty, prevailed on to take both. When the bargain was concluded, however, she thought proper to inquire of the vender, why she had so peremptorily declined selling them separately? “If you please, my lady,” was the naïve answer, “Mother said as how the geese had lived together fifteen years, and it would be cruel to part them.”

EQUITY.

A gentleman, resident at Harrow, made frequent complaints to the masters of the great school there, of his garden being stripped of its fruit, even before it became ripe—but to no purpose. Tired of applying to the masters for redress, he at length appealed to the boys, and, sending for one to his house, he said, “Now, my good fellow, I’ll make this agreement with you and your companions: let the fruit remain on the trees till it becomes ripe, and I promise to give you half.” The boy coolly replied, “I can say nothing to the proposition, sir, myself, but will make it known to the rest of the boys, and inform you of their decision to-morrow.” To-morrow came, and brought with it this reply: “The gentlemen of Harrow cannot agree to receive so unequal a share, since Mr. —— is an individual, and we are many.”

RESULT OF A QUARREL.

A vicar and curate of a village, where there was to be a burial, were at variance. The vicar not coming in time, the curate began the service, and was reading the words, “I am the resurrection,” when the vicar arrived almost out of breath, and snatching the book out of the curate’s hand, with great scorn, cried, “You the resurrection? I am the resurrection:” and then went on.

WELSH GENEALOGIES.

Sir Watkins William Wynne, talking to a friend about the antiquity of his family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere mushroom. “Ay,” said he, “how so, pray?” “Why,” replied the other, “when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular family was shewn to me; it filled above five large skins of parchment, and about the middle of it was a note in the margin:—About this time the world was created.”

A TAR’S EXPEDIENT.

Sir John Jervis’s crew had been paid off at Plymouth, and the ship put in dock; but immediately after, the Admiral received an order to refit for sea. Walking one day in the neighbourhood of Plymouth, he encountered a sailor with a lass under his arm, and a dog running before him, with a watch round his neck. Jack saluted his commander, and made Poll and the dog do the same. Sir John then asked him if he would go to sea with him again, stating the orders he had received. Jack inquired the period Sir John was given to refit. “Only a fortnight,” was the answer. “That’s unfortunate,” said Jack, “for I’ve been kalkylating, your honour, that, with Poll, and the dog, and the watch, my money will jist last me a month; howsomever, I can do this ’ere, your honour—(aside)—I can keep two marms, two dogs, and two watches; and then I shall have unloaded the shiners in a fortnight, sure enough!”

NO DEEP PLAY.

Lord O——, saying that he made a point of never playing beyond the line of his own understanding “Now, my lord,” said the Countess of Buckinghamshire, “I see the reason you never play deep.”

PHILOLOGY.

A gentleman passing the shop of Mr. Haswell, tea-dealer, observed his name would be as well without an H.

JOHNSON AND ROUSSEAU.

When Dr. Johnson was told that Rousseau’s Confessions would contain every motive that had induced him to act in every situation; “Then,” replied he, “if he was an honest man, his book will not be worth a farthing.”

GOOD ADVERTISEMENT.

Stephen Kemble happening to pass through Newport Market, the butchers set up their usual cry of “What d’ye buy? What d’ye buy?” Stephen parried this for some time, by saying, he did not want any thing. At last, a butcher started from his stall and eyeing Stephen’s figure from top to bottom, which certainly did not indicate that he fed on air, exclaimed, “Well, sir, though you do not now want any thing, only say you buy your meat of me, and you will make my fortune.”

ANECDOTE OF GEORGE III.

An Irish conjuror and ventriloquist, of the name of Ray, but who called himself “Le Sieur Ray,” to blarney his countrymen (though he spoke a brogue thick enough to have cut with a knife, as Bowles used to say), exhibiting before their majesties, refused to perform his grand deception till the queen said cockalorum, in which he pretended the charm consisted. Her majesty thought the word either difficult or indelicate, and declined; but the king was so bent upon the great astonishment, that he turned round to her good-naturedly and said,—“Say cockalorum, Charlotte—say cockalorum.”

FELLOW FEELING.

Dr. A——, physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the fellow’s misconduct, as to raise his choler, and draw from him this expression:—“Sir, I was in hopes you would have treated my failings with more gentleness, or that you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours.”

STRIKING ANALOGY.

Bate Dudley had been telling a story to the Anacreontic Club, which he purported to be entirely new, and which caused a great deal of laughter. Hewardine then observed, that the anecdote related by Mr. Dudley put him in mind of another nearly as facetious. He then repeated some venerable affair, which, whatever was its point, bore no more resemblance to Dudley’s, than a white egg to a black hen. When it was concluded, Dudley turned to Hewardine with a stare of surprise, and observed, “That was a very humorous circumstance; but I can’t see how my anecdote could remind you of it!” “No!” said Tom. “Why, I’ll tell you,—your story is at the top of the leaf, page 17, Miller’s old edition, and mine follows at the bottom!”

EVERY THING SHOULD STAND ON ITS OWN BOTTOM.

A sailor passing by a cooper’s shop, and seeing a number of tubs piled above each other at the door, began to kick and tumble them about the street. The master coming out, and desiring to know the reason of this strange proceeding, “D—n it,” replied Jack, “why should not every tub stand upon its own bottom?”

A FAMILY PIECE.

Mr. Fox having applied to a shopkeeper in Westminster for his vote and interest, the man produced a halter, with which he said he was ready to oblige him. The orator immediately replied, “I return you thanks, my friend, for your very polite offer; but I should be sorry to deprive you of so valuable a family piece.”

RETRACTATION.

Two gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed them, one of them said, “There goes the handsomest woman I ever saw.” She hearing, turned round, and observing him to be very ugly, answered, “I wish, sir, I could, in return, say as much of you.” “So you may, madam,” said he, “and lie as I did.”

THE GOOD OLD “LAPSUS LINGUÆ.”

A gentleman’s servant bringing into the dining-room, where the company were all assembled, a nice roasted tongue, tripped as he entered the door, and spread the tongue and sauce on the carpet. The landlord, with much presence of mind, soon relieved the embarrassment of his guests as well as of the servant by saying, with great good humour, “There’s no harm done, gentlemen, ’tis merely a lapsus linguæ.” This fortunate play of words excited much merriment. A very sagacious gentleman, struck with the happy effect of the above accident, was determined to make a similar exhibition. He invited a large party, and when they were all assembled, he had directed his servant to let fall a piece of roast beef on the floor: the servant obeyed his injunctions; but the company felt hurt at the accident. “Be not uneasy, my friends,” cried the would-be witty landlord, “’tis only a lapsus linguæ.”

WIT IN TECHNICALS.

A clergyman preaching in the neighbourhood of Wapping, and observing that most of his audience were in the sea-faring way, very properly embellished his discourse with several nautical tropes and figures. Amongst other things, he advised them to be ever “on the watch, so that on whatever tack the devil should bear down upon them, he might be crippled in the action.” “Ay, master,” cried a jolly son of Neptune, “but let me tell you, that will depend on your having the weather-gauge of him.”

THE FAST-DAY.

A gentleman who employs a great number of hands in a manufactory in the West of England, in order to encourage his work people in a due attendance at church on a Fast-day, told them, that if they went to church they would receive their wages for that day, in the same manner as if they had been at work. Upon which a deputation was appointed to acquaint their employer, that “if he would pay them for over hours, they would attend likewise at the Methodist chapel in the evening!”

A FRIEND IN NEED.

A scholar declaiming in the college-hall, and having a bad memory, was at a stand, when, in a low voice, he desired one who stood close by him to help him out. “No,” says the other, “methinks you are out enough already.”

TILLOTSON.

It was well answered by Archbishop Tillotson, when King William III. complained of the shortness of his sermon, “Sire,” said the archbishop, “could I have bestowed more time upon it, it would not have been so long.”

NATIONALITY.

Frederick of Prussia, at a review of his tall grenadiers, asked Sir Robert Sutton, the British ambassador, if he could say an equal number of Englishmen could beat them. “No, sir,” answered Sir Robert, “I won’t pretend to say that; but I believe half the number would try!”

SOOT AND RELIGION.

A dignified clergyman, going to his living to spend the summer, met near his house a comical old chimney-sweeper, with whom he used to chat. “So, John,” said the doctor, “whence come you?” “From your house, sir, where this morning I swept all your chimneys.” “How many were there?” said the doctor. “No less than twenty,” quoth John. “Well, and how much a-chimney have you!” “Only a shilling a-piece, sir.” “Why then,” quoth the doctor, “you have earned a great deal of money in a little time.” “Yes, yes,” says John, throwing his bag over his shoulder, “we black coats get our money easy enough.”

ANECDOTE OF GEORGE II.

When Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to George II. as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council, however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous precedent. It was Lord Chesterfield’s business to present the grant of the office for the king’s signature. Not to incense his majesty, by asking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up? “With the devil’s!” replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. “And shall the instrument,” said the earl, coolly, “run as usual, ‘our trusty well-beloved cousin and counsellor?’”—a repartee at which the king laughed heartily, and with great good humour signed the grant.

LATIN FOR COLD.

A schoolmaster asked one of his boys, in a cold winter morning, what was Latin for cold. The boy hesitating a little, the master said, “What, sirrah, can’t you tell?” “Yes, sir,” said the boy, “I have it at my finger ends.”

WIT IN A HOBNAIL.

A proud parson and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd tending his flock in a new coat. The parson asked in a haughty tone, who gave him that coat? “The same people,” said the shepherd, “that clothe you—the parish.” The parson, nettled a little, rode on murmuring a considerable way, and sent his man back to ask the shepherd, if he would come and live with him? for he wanted a fool. The man went to the shepherd accordingly, and delivered his master’s message, concluding, that his master really wanted a fool. “Are you going away, then?” said the shepherd. “No,” answered the other. “Then you may tell your master,” replied the shepherd, “his living won’t maintain three of us.”

YORKSHIRE.

Two Oxford scholars, meeting on the road with a Yorkshire hostler, fell to bantering him, and told the fellow they would prove him to be a horse or an ass. “Well,” said the hostler, “and I can prove your saddle to be a mule.” “A mule!” cried one of them, “how can that be?” “Because,” said the hostler, “it is something between a horse and an ass.”

WIT IN AN EXECUTIONER.

A felon, who was just on the point of being turned off, asked the hangman if he had any message to send to the place where he was going, “I will trouble you with a line,” replied the finisher of the law, placing the cord under his left ear.

EARLY RISING.

A father chiding his son for not leaving his bed at an earlier hour, told him, as an inducement, that a certain man being up betimes found a purse of gold. “It might be so,” replied the son, “but he that lost it was up before him.”

THE BENEVOLENT WIDOW.

There was a very benevolent widow living in Plymouth, in respectable circumstances, who frequently came to the theatre, and was kind enough to inquire into the private situations of various members of the company. Among others, she asked about Prigmore, and was told that he had but a small salary, and made a very poor appearance. Hearing this, she remembered that she had a pair of her late husband’s indispensables in the house, which she resolved to offer him. A servant was, accordingly, despatched to the object of her charity, who, meeting one of the actors, and partly disclosing her business, he went in search of Prigmore, and finding him, exclaimed, “Prigmore, my boy, here’s your fortune made at last; here’s a rich widow in the town has fallen in love with you, and wants to see you.” Prigmore, not suspecting his roguery, was led to the servant, in a state of bewildered rapture, and by the latter was informed that the widow would be glad to see him any morning it was convenient. He appointed the following, and went home to his lodgings to indulge in a day-dream of golden independence. His friend, in the meantime, whispered the truth through the green-room, where there were two or three others wicked enough to join in the conspiracy, by walking to Prigmore’s house to tender their congratulations. Prigmore, as will be supposed, passed a sleepless night, and spent an extra hour at his toilet the next morning, in adorning himself with a clean chin and neckcloth. He then sallied forth, and, on reaching the widow’s was shown into her parlour, where, casting his eyes around on the substantial sufficiency of its furniture, he began to felicitate himself on the aspect of his future home. The lady at length appeared: she was upon the verge of forty—a very fashionable age at that time, which resting upon the shoulders of a very comely-looking woman, seemed to be in character with her very comfortable dwelling. Prigmore’s satisfaction and her benevolence operated equally in producing some confusion: at length a conversation commenced. She acquainted him that she had heard his situation was not so agreeable as he could wish—that his income was a confined one; she was, therefore, desirous to do him all the service that lay in her power. Prigmore, considering this an express declaration of her affection, was about to throw himself at her feet, when she suddenly summoned the servant, and exclaimed, “Rachel, bring the breeches?” These words astounded him, and he stared in her face like a block of marble; the widow, as suspicionless as himself of the hoax, could not interpret his wonder; but, on receiving the habiliments, folded them carefully up, and remarking that they were as good as new (her husband having caught his fatal cold in them the first time he put them on), begged Prigmore’s acceptance of the same. “And was it for this you wanted me, madam?” exclaimed Prigmore, rising from his chair; his tone and countenance bespeaking a mixture of surprise and disappointment. “Yes, sir.” He put on his hat, and walked to the door in silent indignation. The good woman, as much astonished as himself, followed him and said, “Won’t you take the breeches, sir?” “No, madam,” he replied, pausing at the door to make some bitter remark; “Wear them yourself!” For the remainder of the season, his life was far from being enviable.[G]

CANDOUR.

Lord Lyttelton asked of a clergyman in the country the use of his pulpit for a young man he had brought down with him. “I really know not,” said the parson, “how to refuse your lordship; yet, if the young gentleman preach better than me, my congregation will be dissatisfied with me afterwards; and if he preach worse, I don’t think he is fit to preach at all.”

REWARD OF POLYGAMY.

A man having been accused of marrying five wives, was committed to prison; and being asked by the judge on his trial, how he came to take so many wives, he replied, “In order, if possible, to find one good one, and then stick to her.” “Oh! oh!” said the judge, “as you cannot find a good wife in this world, you may probably succeed better in the next; so get you gone thither;” and immediately signed the warrant for his execution.

COATS AND ARMS.

A gentleman having called a ticket porter to carry a message, asked his name; he said it was Russel. “And pray,” said the gentleman, jocularly, “is your coat of arms the same as the Duke of Bedford’s?” “As to our arms, your honour,” says the porter, “I believe they are much alike; but there is a great difference between our coats.”

LORD HOWE.

When Lord Howe was captain of the Magnanime, a negro sailor on board was ordered to be flogged. Every thing being prepared, and the ship’s company assembled to see the punishment inflicted, Captain Howe made a long address to the culprit on the enormity of his offence. Poor Mungo, tired of the harangue and of having his back exposed to the cold, exclaimed, “Massa, if you floggee, floggee; or, if you preachee, preachee; but no preachee and floggee too.”

DR. EGERTON.

Dr. Egerton, bishop of Durham, on coming to that see, employed a person of the name of Due as his agent to find out the true value of the estates held by lease under him, and, in consequence of Due’s report, greatly raised both the fines and rents of the tenants; on which the following toast was frequently drunk in the bishopric:—“May the Lord take the Bishop, and the Devil have his Due!”

RIGHT CONJECTURE.

A buck parson going to read prayers at a village in the west of England, found some difficulty in putting on the surplice. “D—n this surplice!” said he to the clerk, “I think the devil is in it.” Amen, astonished, waited till the parson had got it on, and then answered, “I thinks as how he is, zur.”

WALKING BY FAITH.

A person saying that he would not believe there was any devil, because he had never seen him, was answered by another, “By the same rule, I should believe you to have neither wit nor sense.”

ELWES THE MISER.

The eldest son of Elwes, the celebrated miser, having fallen down with a ladder, when pulling some grapes, had the precaution to go into the village to the barber and get blooded. On his return he was asked where he had been, and what was the matter with his arm? He told his father what had happened, and that he had got bled. “Bled!” said the old gentleman; “but what did you give?” “A shilling,” answered the boy. “Psha!” returned the father, “you are a blockhead; never part with your blood.”

Elwes had two country seats, the one in Suffolk, and the other in Berkshire; of these he gave the preference to the former, because his journey from town thither cost him only twopence-halfpenny; that into Berkshire amounted to fourpence. At this time he was worth eight hundred thousand pounds.

CAUSE AND EFFECT.

Two gentleman happening to meet, the one observed, “So our friend ——, the attorney, is dead.” “Yes, and I hear he left very few effects.” “It could not be otherwise: he had very few causes.”

NOT A BAD HIT.

A gentleman expatiated on the justice and propriety of an hereditary nobility. “Is it not right,” said he, “in order to hand down to posterity the virtues of those men who have been eminent for their services to the country, that their posterity should enjoy the honours conferred on them as a reward for such services?” “By the same rule,” said a lady, “if a man is hanged for his misdeeds, all his posterity should be hanged too.”

CUTTING BOTH WAYS.

Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a medicine, with her usual warmth said, “I’ll be hanged if it do not prove serviceable.” Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, “Do take it, then, my lord duke, for it must be of service the one way or the other.”

DUKE OF NEWCASTLE.

A poor fellow having with difficulty procured an audience of the premier Duke of Newcastle, told his grace he came only to solicit him for somewhat towards a support, and as they were of the same family, being both descended from Adam, hoped he should not be refused. “Surely not,” said the duke; “surely not; there’s a penny for you; and if all the rest of your relations will give you as much, you’ll be a richer man than I am.”

A DISCONSOLATE HOUSE.

A man being asked by his neighbour, how his wife did? made this answer: “Indeed, neighbour, the case is pitiful; my wife fears she shall die, and I fear she will not die, which makes a most disconsolate house.”

EXPOSITION OF SCRIPTURE.

A person asked the minister of his parish what was meant by “He was clothed with curses as with a garment.” “My good friend,” said the minister, “it means that he had got a habit of swearing.”

NEW OPPOSITIONIST.

A dog having one day got into the House of Commons, by his barking interrupted Lord North, who happened to be opening one of his budgets. His lordship pleasantly inquired by what new oppositionist he was attacked? A wag replied, “It was a member for Bark-shire.”

FOX AND SHERIDAN.

Sheridan was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager, desirous of shewing him some civility, took him all over the theatre, and exhibited its beauties. “There, Mr. Sheridan,” said Fox, who combined twenty occupations, without being clever in one, “I built and painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes.” “Did you,” said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; “well, I should not, I am sure, have known you were a Fox by your brush.”

NERVES.

A dowager Duchess of Bedford, in her eighty-fifth year, was living at Buxton, at a time when it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into “a shock of the nervous system.” Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in the room, what brought them there? and being generally answered, “for a nervous complaint,” was asked in her turn, what brought her to Buxton! “I came only for pleasure,” answered the hale old lady, “for, thank God, I was born before nerves came into fashion.”

SUBSTANCE AND SHADOW.

A fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a long face, that he had seen a ghost. “When and where?” said the pastor. “Last night,” replied the man, “I was passing by the church, and up against the wall of it did I behold the spectre.” “In what shape did it appear?” replied the priest. “It appeared in the shape of a great ass.” “Go home, and hold your tongue about it,” rejoined the pastor, “you are a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow.”

PROFESSIONAL ENTHUSIASM.

Brindley, an engineer, carried his attachment to artificial navigations so far, that when examined before the House of Commons he spoke of rivers with most sovereign contempt. One of the members asked him for what purpose he apprehended rivers to have been created? To this, after a moment’s pause, he replied, “To feed navigable canals.”

SYCOPHANCY CARICATURED.

At a time when Queen Elizabeth was making one of her progresses through the kingdom, a mayor of Coventry, attended by a large cavalcade, went out to meet her Majesty and usher her into the city with due formality. On their return, the weather being very hot, as they passed through a wide brook, Mr. Mayor’s horse several times attempted to drink, and each time his worship checked him, which her Majesty observing called out to him, “Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor! let your horse drink, Mr. Mayor;” but the magistrate, veiling his bonnet, and bowing very low, modestly answered, “Nay, nay, may it please your Majesty’s horse to drink first!”

A LACONIC LETTER FROM A CLERGYMAN TO HIS CURATE.

“I do not like your terms; my wife is very ill; and please God she but die, I’ll do the duty myself.”

A NEW TRANSLATION.

A country squire asked his son, who had been at a Latin school, what was the meaning of the words nemini secundus? “Why, father,” said he, “that is a man who was never second to anyone in a duel.”

A TRAVELLER’S BULL.

A modern traveller, in a late publication, states that the women of Sunda, near Fez, are the best horsemen in the world.

THE BLIND AND THE BLIND.

A gentleman disputing about religion in Button’s coffee-house, some of the company said, “You talk of religion, I’ll hold you five guineas you can’t repeat the Lord’s Prayer; Sir Richard Steel here shall hold the stakes.” The money being deposited, the gentleman began, “I believe in God,” and so went through his Creed, “Well!” said the other, “I own I have lost; but did not think you could have done it.”

SYMPATHY.

The late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch; the next moment a young curate called out, “Lie still, your grace!” leapt over him, and pursued his sport. Such an apparent want of feeling, we might presume, was properly resented—not so. On being assisted to remount, the duke said “That young man shall have the first good living that falls to my disposal; had he stopped to have taken care of me I never would have patronised him.” Being delighted with an ardour similar to his own, or with a spirit that would not stoop to flatter.

BEN JOHNSON.

Lord Craven, in King James the First’s reign, was very desirous to see Ben Johnson; which being told to Ben, he went to my Lord’s house; but being in a very shabby condition, the porter refused him admittance, with some saucy language, which the other did not fail to return. My Lord, happening to come out while they were wrangling, asked the occasion for it. Ben, who stood in need of no one to speak for him, said, “He understood that his lordship desired to see him.” “You, friend!” said my lord, “who are you?” “Ben Johnson,” replied the other, “No, no,” quoth his lordship, “you cannot be Ben Johnson who wrote the Silent Woman; you look as if you could not say Boo to a goose.” “Boo!” cried Ben. “Very well,” said my lord, who was more pleased at the joke than offended at the affront; “I am now convinced you are Ben Johnson.”

MRS. MONTAGUE AND CHARLES FOX.

Mrs. Montague was one day conversing with Mr. Fox in her own house. In the course of the conversation the lady grew warm; at last she was so much nettled by some remark of Mr. Fox’s, that she declared to him she did not care three skips of a louse for him. Mr. Fox turned aside, and in a few moments produced the following impromptu:

THE QUACK DOCTOR.

A quack doctor, in one of his bills, said he could bring living witnesses to prove the efficacy of his nostrum, “which is more,” says he “than others in my line can do.”

CHARMING CONDESCENSION.

On one occasion when John Kemble played Hamlet in the country, the gentleman who acted Guildenstern was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician. Hamlet asks him, “Will you play upon this pipe?” “My lord, I cannot.” “I do beseech you?” “Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I can;” and to the confusion of Hamlet, and the great amusement of the audience, he played God save the king.

MATRIMONY.

Bishop Andrews, the favourite preacher of King James the First, in his sermon on matrimony, says that ten woman are driven to the altar for one that is led to it.

THE MISER.

An old miser, who had a footman that had a good appetite, and ate fast, but was slow when sent on a message, used to wish that his servant would eat with his feet and walk with his teeth.

A WINDOW IN THE BELLY.

“I wish,” said Rigby to Charles Fox, “that you would stand out of my light, or that you had a window in that great belly of yours.” “What,” said Charles, “that you might lay an additional tax upon it, I suppose.”

INGENIOUS REASON.

The Welsh formerly drank their ale, mead, or metheglin out of earthen vessels, glazed and painted within and without, with dainty devices. A farmer in the principality, who had a curious quart mug, with an angel painted at the bottom on the inside, found that a neighbour who very frequently visited him, and with the customary hospitality, had the first draught, always gave so hearty a swig as to leave little for the rest of the party. This our farmer three or four times remonstrated against as unfair; but was always answered,—“Hur does so love to look at that pretty angel, that hur always drinks till hur con see its face.” The farmer, on this, set aside his angel cup, and, at the the next Shrewsbury fair, bought one with a figure of the devil painted at bottom. This being produced, foaming with ale, to his guest, he made but one draught, and handed it to the next man quite empty. Being asked his reason, as he could not now wish to look at the angel, he replied,—“No, but hur cannot bear to leave that ugly devil a drop.”

A DIRTY WITNESS.

A German gentleman, in the course of a strict cross-examination on a trial during the Oxford Circuit, was asked to state the exact age of the defendant. “Dirty” (thirty), was the reply. “And pray, sir, are you his senior, and how many years?” “Why, sir, I am dirty-two.”

EPIGRAM.

RELIEF BY PERSPIRATION.

A candidate at Surgeons’ Hall, after a variety of questions, was thus interrogated:—“In such a case, sir, how would you act?” “Well, sir, if that did not operate?” “But if that did not produce the desired effect of causing perspiration?” “Why, gentlemen,” said the worried student, “if all these should fail, I would direct the patient to be brought here for examination!”

DUCHESS OF MARLBOROUGH.

The proud Duke of Somerset, a little time before his death, paid a visit to Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, who insisted on his drinking with her a glass of tokay, which had been presented to her husband by the emperor. He assented, and she addressed him as follows:—“My lord, I consider your grace drinking a glass of wine with me as a very high honour, and I will beg leave to propose two healths, the most unpopular imaginable, and which nobody in the three kingdoms except ourselves would drink: Here is your health and mine.”

LONG PAUSE.

A great teller of stories was in the midst of one of them, at his evening club, when notice was brought him that a ship, in which he was going to the West Indies, was on the point of sailing; he was therefore obliged to break off abruptly. But on his return from Jamaica some years afterwards, he repaired to the club, and, taking possession of his old seat by the fireside, he resumed his tale: “Gentlemen, as I was saying”—

GENERAL WOLFE.

General Wolfe, happening to overhear a young officer talk of him in a very familiar manner, as, “Wolfe and I drank a bottle of wine together,” and so on, appeared, and said, “I think you might say General Wolfe.” “No,” replied the subaltern, with a happy presence of mind, “did you ever hear of General Achilles, or General Julius Cæsar.”

AMENDMENT AMENDED.

A member of parliament making a motion to bring in a bill for repairing a very bad road in a particular county, another member stood up and said, “It would be more economical to pass an act for making it navigable.”

MUTATIS MUTANDIS.

Whitfield once preached at a chapel in New England, where a collection was to be made after the sermon. A British seaman, who had strolled into the meeting, observed some persons take plates, and place themselves at the door; upon which, he laid hold of one, and taking his station, received a considerable sum from the congregation as they departed, which he very deliberately put into the pocket of his tarry trousers. This being told to Whitfield, he applied to the sailor for the money, saying it was collected for charitable uses, and must be given to him. “Avast there,” said Jack, “it was given to me, and I shall keep it.” “You will be d—d,” said the parson, “if you don’t return it.” “I’ll be d—d if I do,” replied Jack, and sheered off with his prize.

REAL DANGER.

A physician being sent for by a maker of universal specifics, grand salutariums, &c., expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. “Not so trifling neither,” replied the quack; “for, to tell you the truth, I have, by a mistake, taken some of my own pills.”

PROMISING CANDIDATE.

Some years ago a candidate for a Welsh burgh told his constituents, that if they would elect him he should take care they should have any kind of weather they liked best. This was a tempting offer, and they could not resist choosing a man, who, to use their own language, “was more of a Cot Almighty than Sir Watkin himself.” Soon after the election, one of his constituents waited upon him, and requested some rain. “Well, my good friend, and what do you want with rain? won’t it spoil your hay?” “Why, it will be very serviceable to the wheat, and as to my hay, I have just got it in.” “But has your neighbour got his in? I should suppose rain would do him some mischief.” “Why, ay,” replied the votary, “rain would do him harm indeed.” “Ay, now you see how it is, my dear friend! I have promised to get you any kind of weather you like; but if I give you rain, I must disoblige him: so your best way will be, I think, to meet together all of you, and agree on the weather that will be best for you all,—and you may depend upon having it.”

PROFESSIONAL BLINDNESS.

Sir Joshua Reynolds studied originally under Hudson, an English portrait painter, who bestowed very liberally on his customers fair tie wigs, blue velvet coats, and white satin waistcoats. He afterwards went to Italy, where he studied three years. On his return, he hired a large house in Newport Street, and the first specimen he gave of his abilities was a boy’s head in a turban, richly painted in the style of Rembrandt, which so attracted Hudson’s attention, that he called every day to see it in its progress, and perceiving, at last, no trace of his own manner left, he exclaimed, “Really, Reynolds, you don’t paint so well as when you left England.”

COUNSELLOR DUNNING.

Counsellor Dunning was cross-examining an old woman, who was an evidence in a case of assault, respecting the identity of the defendant. “Was he a tall man?” says he. “Not very tall; much about the size of your honour.” “Was he well-looked?” “Not very; much like your honour.” “Did he squint?” “A little; but not so much as your honour.”

GEORGE I.

King George I. was remarkably fond of seeing the play of Henry VIII., which had something in it that peculiarly hit the taste of that monarch. One night being very attentive to that part of the play where the King commands Wolsely to write circular letters of indemnity into every part of the country, where the payment of certain taxes had been disputed, and remarking the manner in which the minister artfully communicated these commands to his secretary Cromwell, whispering thus:—

The king could not help smiling at the craft of the minister, in filching from his master the merit of the good action, though he himself had been the author of the evil complained of; and, turning to the Prince of Wales (afterwards George II.), he said, “You see, George, a minister will be a minister in every age and in every reign.”

RICHARD CROMWELL.

When, in 1650, Richard Cromwell succeeded his father Oliver in the protectorship, he received addresses from all parties in the kingdom, filled with the most extravagant professions of standing by him with their lives and fortunes, at the very moment that they were plotting his destruction. Richard was not quite so blind to all this as the world imagined; for after seven months’ mock government, as he was giving orders for the removal of his own furniture from Whitehall, he observed with what little ceremony they treated an old trunk, and begged of them to move it more carefully, “Because,” added he, “it contains the lives and fortunes of all the good people of England.”

DR. SOUTH.

Dr. South begins a sermon on this text, “The wages of sin is death,” as follows:—“Poor wages indeed, that a man can’t live by.”

SEVERE RETORT.

Soon after Lord Sidney’s elevation to the peerage, he happened to observe in company, that authors were often very ridiculous in the titles they gave. “That,” said a gentleman present, “is an error from which even kings appear not to be exempt.”

A LONG-EARED ANIMAL versus A SHORT.

A cockney having had his horse cropt, was asked the reason; he answered, “Why, my friend, this here horse had a knack at being frightened, and on the least occasion would prick up his ears, and look for all the world as if he had seen the devil; and therefore, to prevent the like in future, I cropt him.”

ECCENTRIC RECOMMENDATION.

Swift once gave a gentleman of very good character and fortune a letter of recommendation to Pope, couched in the following terms:—“Dear Pope, Though the little fellow that brings this be a justice of peace and a member of our Irish House of Commons, yet he may not be altogether unworthy of your acquaintance.”

HOLIDAY.

A gentleman seeing the town-crier of Bristol one market-day standing unemployed, asked him the reason. “O,” replied he, “I can’t cry to-day, my wife is dead.”

ECONOMY.

An economical peeress spoke to her butler to be saving of an excellent run of small-beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. “The best method I know,” replied the butler, “is to place a barrel of good ale by it.”

THE BLOOD OF CROMWELL.

A grand-daughter of Oliver Cromwell, who was remarkable for her vivacity and humour, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman, who had taken great offence at some sarcastic remarks she had made, rudely said, to insult her, “I think, madam, you would hardly give yourself so many airs, had you recollected that your grandfather was hanged.” To which she instantly replied, “Yes, sir; but please to recollect, he was not hanged till after he was dead.”

CHARLES II. AND ROCHESTER.

King Charles II. being at bowls, and having laid a bowl very near the jack, cried out, “My soul to a horse hair, nobody beats that.” “Lay odds,” says Rochester, “and I’ll take you.”

DUNNING EXTRAORDINARY.

A tradesman pressing a gentleman very much for payment of his bill, the latter said, “You need not be in so great a hurry, I am not going to run away.” “I do not imagine you are, sir,” returned the tradesman, “but I am.”

JAMES II. AND WALLER.

King James II. having a wish to converse with Waller, the poet, sent for him one afternoon, and took him into his closet, where was a very fine picture of the Princess of Orange. The King asked him his opinion of the picture, on which Waller said, he thought it extremely like the greatest woman that ever lived in the world. “Whom do you call so?” said the king. “Queen Elizabeth,” replied the other. “I wonder, Mr. Waller,” said the king, “that you should think so; for she owed all her greatness to her council, and that indeed, it must be admitted, was a wise one.” “And pray, sir,” said Waller, “did your majesty ever know a fool choose a wise council?”

DR. JOHNSON.

When Dr. Johnson visited the University of St. Andrews, he took occasion to inquire of one of the professors into the state of their funds, and being told that they were not so affluent as many of their neighbours, “No matter,” said the doctor drily; “persevere in the plan you have formed, and you will get rich by degrees.”

MARCH OF POLITENESS.

Complaisance is no longer confined to the polite circles. A captain of a vessel was lately called out of a coffeehouse at Wapping by a waterman, with the following address: “An’t please your honour, the tide is waiting for you.”

HACKNEY COACHMAN.

A hackney coachman, after putting up his horses in the evening, took out the money he had received during the day, in order to make a division between his master and himself. “There,” says he, “is one shilling for master, and one for me;” and so on alternately till an odd shilling remained. Here he hesitated between conscience and self-interest, when the master, who happened to be a concealed spectator, said, “I think, Thomas, you may allow me the odd shilling, as I keep the horses.”

NO REASON TO REMOVE.

A gentleman dined one day with a dull preacher. Dinner was scarcely over before the gentleman fell asleep, but was awakened by the divine, and invited to go and hear him preach. “I beseech you, sir,” said he, “to excuse me; I can sleep very well where I am.”

EXCLUSIVE PLUMBER.

Holroyd, king’s plumber, stood in the pit of the theatre at the time that Hatfield fired at King George III., and it was reported that by his lifting up the assassin’s arm at the moment he was firing, the pistol was raised so that the ball went higher than the box his majesty was seated in. Some one observed that “This was a very loyal thing in the plumber.” “Why, yes,” replied a gentlemen present, “it looks like it; but the motive might possibly be selfish; it perhaps arose from Holroyd not choosing that anyone should serve the king with lead except himself.”

CHARLES II.

As James II. when Duke of York, returned one morning from hunting, he found his brother Charles in Hyde Park without any attendants, at what was considered a perilous time. The duke expressed his surprise at his majesty’s venturing alone in so public a place at so dangerous a period. “James,” replied the monarch, “take care of yourself, and I am safe. No man in England will kill me to make you king.”

REFORMATION.

A gentleman remarking that this age was infinitely more dissipated and licentious than that which preceded it, an old officer took upon himself the task of defending it. “Sir,” says he, “I grant that we get drunk as completely as our fathers; but this I will say, that I have not seen a wig burnt these forty years.”

INVISIBLE AND INCOMPREHENSIBLE.

A preacher, whose sermons were beyond human understanding, was wont on Saturday to keep unseen by any one, in order to compose his sublime discourses for next day; on which a wit observed, that the doctor was invisible on Saturday in order that he might be incomprehensible on Sunday.

ERSKINE AND JEKYLL.

Mr. Erskine one morning complained to Mr. Jekyll of a pain in his bowels. “I could recommend one remedy,” said the latter; “but I am afraid you will not find it easy to get at it.” “What is it?” eagerly rejoined Mr. Erskine. “Get made Attorney-General, and then you will have no bowels at all.”

GOOD REASON.

A certain secretary of state, being asked by an intimate friend, why he did not promote merit, aptly replied, “Because merit did not promote me.”

FOOTE.

Foote, having been invited to dine with the Duke of Leinster, at Dublin, gave the following account of his entertainment:—“As to the splendour, so far as it went, I admit it, there was a very fine sideboard of plate; and if a man could have swallowed a silversmith’s shop, there was enough to satisfy him; but as to all the rest, his mutton was white, his veal was red, the fish was kept too long, the venison not kept long enough: to sum up all, every thing was cold, except his ice; every thing sour, except his vinegar.”

PATIENCE.

A quaker, driving in a single-horse chaise up a green lane that leads from Newington Green to Hornsey, happened to meet with a young blood, who was also in a single-horse chaise. There was not room enough for them to pass each other, unless one of them would back his carriage, which they both refused. “I’ll not make way for you,” says the blood; “damn my eyes if I will.” “I think I am older than thou art,” said the quaker, “and therefore have a right to expect thee to make way for me.” “I won’t, dam’me,” resumed the first. He then pulled out a newspaper, and began to read, as he sat still in his chaise. The quaker, observing him, pulled a pipe and some tobacco from his pocket, and, with a convenience which he carried about with him, lighted his pipe, and sat and puffed away very comfortably. “Friend,” said he, “when thou hast read that paper, I should be glad if thou wouldst lend it me.”

JOHNSON AND BOSWELL.

Dr. Johnson and Boswell, being at Bristol, were by no means pleased with their inn. “Let us now see,” said Boswell, “how we should describe it.” Johnson was ready with his raillery. “Describe it, sir! why, it was so bad—so very bad, that Boswell wished to be in Scotland.”

SIR CHARLES WAGER.

Sir Charles Wager had a sovereign contempt for physicians; though a surgeon, he believed, in some cases might be of service. It happened that the worthy knight was seized with a fever while he was out upon a cruise, and the surgeon, without much difficulty, prevailed upon him to loose a little blood and suffer a blister to be laid on his back; by and by it was thought necessary to lay on another blister and repeat the bleeding, to which Sir Charles also consented. The symptoms having abated, the surgeon then told him that he must now swallow a few boluses and take a draught. “No, doctor,” said Sir Charles, “you may batter my hulk as long as you will, but damn you, you shan’t board me!”

EPITAPH ON PROFESSOR BARNES, A MAN OF WEAK JUDGMENT, BUT HAPPY MEMORY.

INSURANCE.

In a storm at sea when the sailors were all at prayers expecting every moment to go to the bottom, a passenger appeared quite unconcerned. The captain asked him how he could be so much at his ease in this awful situation. “Sir,” says the passenger, “my life’s insured.”

COLONEL THORNTON.

When Colonel Thornton once asked his coachman if he had any objection to go abroad with him? “To any place that ever was created,” said the fellow very eagerly. “Would you drive me to hell?” said the colonel. “That I would!” answered the fellow, “that I would!” “Why, you would find it a hot birth and you must go in first yourself, Tom, as the box is before the body of the coach.” “No, no; I would back your honour in.”

BOSWELL AND JOHNSON.

Boswell observing to Johnson that there was no instance of a beggar dying for want in the streets of Scotland, “I believe, sir, you are very right,” says Johnson; “but this does not arise from the want of beggars, but the impossibility of starving a Scotsman.”

CONJUROR AND NO CONJUROR.

A fellow, who went about the country playing slight of hand tricks, was apprehended and carried before the sapient mayor of a town, who immediately ordered him to be committed to prison. “For what?” said the fellow. “Why, sirrah, the people say you are a conjuror!” “Will your worship give me leave to tell you what the people say of you?” “Of me? what dare they say of me, fellow?” “They say you are no conjuror.”

BENEVOLENCE OF GEORGE III.

When Lord North introduced Dr. Robertson to the king, his majesty made many inquiries concerning the medical professors of Edinburgh, and the state of the college, of which the doctor was principal. Being thus taken upon his own ground, the historian expatiated at large with gravity and decorum on the merits of the Edinburgh College; mentioned the various branches of learning which were taught in it, the number of students that flocked to it from all quarters of the world; and in reply to his majesty’s particular inquiries concerning it as a School of Physic, he observed that no college could boast of conferring the degree of physic on so many gentlemen as that of Edinburgh; for it annually sent out more than forty physicians, besides vast quantities of those who exercised the lower functions of the faculty, as surgeons, apothecaries, &c. “Heaven,” exclaimed the king, interrupting the doctor, “Heaven have mercy on my poor subjects?”

SIR JOHN MILLICENT.

One asked Sir John Millicent, a man of wit, how he did to conform to the grave justices his brethren, when they met. “Indeed,” answered he, “I have no other way to do than to drink myself down to the capacity of the bench.”

THE FISHMONGER.

A gentleman cheapening fish at a stall, and being asked what he thought an unconscionable price, exclaimed—“Do you suppose I pick up my money in the street!” “No, sir,” replied the vender, “but I do.”

THE BLESSINGS OF TRIAL BY JURY.

A juryman, not so pliant as many, was repeatedly singular in his opinion, but so determined as always to bring over the other eleven. The judge asked him once how he came to be so fastidious? “My lord,” said he, “no man is more open to conviction than I am; but I have not met the same pliancy in others; for it has generally been my lot to be on a jury with eleven obstinate men.”

LORD SHAFTESBURY.

The history of this nobleman, in the Biographia Britannica, is a mere panegyric on him. A bon mot of himself conveys the truest idea of his character. Charles the Second said to him one day, “Shaftesbury, I believe thou art the wickedest fellow in my dominions.” He bowed, and replied, “Of a subject, sir, I believe I am.”

THE BREWER.

A brewer was drowned in his own vat. Mr. Jekyll, being informed of the circumstance, said that the verdict of the jury should be—“Found floating on his watery bier!”

JACK TAR AND THE PARSON.

An honest tar, just returned from sea, met his old messmate, Bet Blowsy: he was so overjoyed that he determined to commit matrimony; but, at the altar, the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between them to pay the fees; on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed—“D—n it, brother, never mind! marry us as far as it will go!”

SHERIDAN.

Being asked whether he thought Mr. O’Brien was right in his assertion, that many thousands of the electors of Westminster would vote for the Duke of Northumberland’s porter were he put up, Sheridan coolly replied—“No; my friend O’Brien is wrong; but they might for Mr. Whitbread’s porter!”

SLAVE TRADE.

Sir John Doyle being told in the House of Commons by those interested in keeping up the slave trade, that the slaves were happy, he said that it reminded him of a man whom he had once seen in a warren, sewing up the mouth of a ferret: he remonstrated with the man upon the cruelty of the act, but he answered—“Lord, sir, the ferret likes it above all things.”

NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.

A fire happening at a public house, a man, passing at the time, entreated one of the firemen to play the engine upon a particular door, and backed his request by the bribe of a shilling. The fireman consequently complied, upon which the arch rogue exclaimed—“You’ve done what I never could do, for, egad, you’ve liquidated my score!”

BON MOT.

A young clergyman, having the misfortune to bury five wives, being in company with a number of ladies, was severely rallied by them upon the circumstance. At last one of them rather impertinently put the question to him, “How he managed to have such good luck?” “Why, madam,” said the other, “I knew they could not live without contradiction, therefore I let them have their own way.”

BRUISING MATCH.

A provincial paper, giving an account of a bruising match between two men of the names of Hill and Potter, concluded by saying—“That after sixteen rounds, Hill beat his antagonist hollow.”

SMART RETORT.

Lord B—— wore his whiskers extremely large. Curran meeting him, “Pray, my lord,” said he, “when do you intend to reduce your whiskers to the peace establishment?” “When you, Mr Curran,” said his lordship, “put your tongue upon the civil list.”

LODGINGS.

A young gentleman seeing a bill on a window announcing lodgings to let, knocked at the door of the house, and was conducted by a pretty girl into the apartments that were to be occupied. The gentleman, struck with the charms of his conductress, said,—“Pray, my dear, are you to be let with this lodging?” “No, sir,” answered the nymph; “I am to be let alone.”

THE RISING GENERATION.

A methodist parson observed, in one of his discourses, that “such was the change in the public manners of the nation, that the rising generation rarely lie down till three o’clock in the morning.”

THE MISER’S ADVICE.

The following advice was left by a miser to his nephew: “Buy your coals in summer; your furniture at auctions, about a fortnight after quarter-day; and your books at the fall of the leaf.”

ADVERTISEMENT.

Some years ago, there appeared in the English papers an advertisement, which much resembles our notions of an Irish bull, in these words, which are the title to the advertisement:—“Every man his own washer-woman!”

WELSH TOURIST.

A Welsh tourist, among many other judicious observations, remarked that the mad-house of Lanark was in a very crazy state.

THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES.

An old offender being asked, whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge? answered,—“I have done still worse—I have suffered myself to be apprehended.”

SELDEN.

When the learned John Selden was a member of the Assembly of Divines at Westminster, who were appointed to new-model religion, he delighted to puzzle them by curious quibbles. Once they were gravely engaged in determining the exact distance between Jerusalem and Jericho; and one of them, to prove it could not be great, observed, “that fish were carried from one place to the other.” On which Selden observed, “Perhaps it was salt fish;” which again threw the Assembly into doubt.

TRADE.

A gentleman passing Milford churchyard a few days since, observing the sexton digging a grave addressed him with—“Well, how goes trade in your line, friend?” “Very dead, sir!” was the reply.

NAUTICAL SERMON.

When Whitfield preached before the seamen at New York he had the following bold apostrophe in his sermon: “Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine headway over a smooth sea before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. But what means this sudden louring of the heavens, and that dark cloud arising from beneath the western horizon? Don’t you hear distant thunder? Don’t you see those flashes of lightning? There is a storm gathering! Every man to his duty! How the waves rise and dash against the ship! The air is dark! the tempest rages! Our masts are gone! The ship is on her beam ends! What next?” It is said, that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of former perils on the deep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose, with united voices and minds, and exclaimed, “Take to the longboat!” Mr. Whitfield, seizing upon this reply, urged them to take to Jesus Christ as the long boat, with an ingenuity which produced the happiest effects.

SENSIBILITY.

A lady, who made pretensions to the most refined feelings, went to her butcher to remonstrate with him on his cruel practices. “How,” said she, “can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to death?” “Why not, madam?” said the butcher; “you wouldn’t eat them alive, would you?”

GRATIFYING REFLECTION.

An English baronet, being asked when he should finish his house, ingenuously answered, “Sir, it is a question whether I shall finish my house, or my house finish me.”

ALDERMAN WOOD.

A certain alderman, when young, was thought clever at carving figures from wood. He was asked from whence he copied them? “No where,” said the worthy dignitary; “I made ’em all out of my own head.”

MATHEMATICAL WIND.

One morning, after a tempestuous night, during which several trees were rooted up, Dr. Vince, at Cambridge, met a friend, who said, “Good morning, doctor; a terrible wind this!” “Yes, sir,” replied the doctor, smiling; “quite a mathematical wind, for I see it has extracted several roots!”

BON MOT OF GEORGE IV.

The king, when Prince of Wales, attending Lewes races one day, when a drenching rain kept away the greater part of the expected attendants, on its being observed how few of the nobility had been upon the course, “I beg pardon,” said the prince; “I think I saw a very handsome sprinkling of the nobility.”

WELSH GENTILITY.

When James I. was on the road near Chester, he was met by such numbers of the Welsh, who came out of curiosity to see him, that the weather being dry and the roads dusty, he was nearly suffocated. He was completely at a loss in what manner to rid himself of them civilly; at last one of his attendants, putting his head out of the coach, said, “It is his majesty’s pleasure that those who are the best gentlemen shall ride forwards.” Away scampered the Welsh, and but one solitary man was left behind. “And so, sir,” says the king to him, “you are not a gentleman, then?” “O yes, and please your majesty, hur is as good a shentleman as the rest; but hur ceffyl (horse), God help hur, is not so good.”

YOUR BIRTH.

We often laugh at our neighbours’ mistakes; they might have smiled at our own, had they overheard a passenger in one of our steam packets, who wished to inform a French lady on board that her “berth was ready,” make the communication as follows:—“Madame votre NAISSANCE est arrangée.”

SIR CHARLES WETHERELL.

This distinguished member of the House of Commons has too much of the free-born Englishman about him to submit to the thraldom of braces. A certain high officer in the House is said to have remarked, that during the whole course of his speech he observed but one lucid interval. “And which was that?” inquired Mr. P——. “The space,” replied the former, “between his waistcoat and the waistband of his trousers.” “You jest,” replied Mr. P——, “and should rather say, if you noted the hue of his under garment that it was darkness visible.”

TAXES.

Some profound financiers tell us, that it is of no consequence to us how much we are taxed, because the taxes raised are not thrown away, but spent among us. We might as well tell the housewife, that when her fagot is burned it is not wasted; it is merely decomposed and sent into the atmosphere, and that it will return in some shape or other: both stories are very philosophical; but the old lady would tell you that she could not replace her fagot without putting her hand into her pocket.

UNEXPECTED INTERPRETATION.

An independent elector of one of the midland counties, when called upon by a young slip of aristocracy, who was canvassing the freeholders, replied, that if the right honourable candidate would engage to bestow on his (the elector’s) second son a situation in his lordship’s gift, in the event of its becoming vacant, the suffrage should certainly be given as solicited. “My dear sir,” was the reply, “I shall be too proud to serve your son.” The scion of the noble house of —— was returned, and the vacancy anticipated by the elector shortly occurred; but his lordship wisely disposed of it to one from whom he had still something to expect. The disappointed voter was exclaiming loudly to one of his acquaintances against this breach of faith on the part of his lordship. “I do not perceive,” answered his friend, “that he has been guilty of any. He told you that he should be too proud to serve your son, and the event has shown that he spoke the truth.”

ONE EXCEPTION.

A disappointed author, indulging in a vein of abuse against a successful rival, exclaimed, “He is, without exception, the most superficial, self-sufficient, ignorant shallow creature that ever made any pretensions to literature.” “Gently, my dear sir,” interrupted a gentleman; “you quite forget yourself.”

GO TO BRIGHTON.

A poor valetudinarian was recommended to take a change of air for the benefit of his health. “Go to Brighton,” said the medical man; “the air of Brighton is very good for pectoral complaints.” “But very bad for pocket complaints, is it not doctor?” replied the invalid.

GIVING THE DEVIL HIS DUE.

Swift, in preaching an assize sermon, was severe upon the lawyers for pleading against their consciences. After dinner, a young counsel said some severe things upon the clergy, and added, that he did not doubt, were the devil to die, a parson might be found to preach his funeral sermon. “Yes,” says Swift, “I would, and would give the devil his due, as I did his children this morning.”

OUT OF PLACE.

When the beau-monde held their coteries, and pitched tents upon the leads of the houses, it was referred to a person, who, not approving of it, said that it was making too great an encroachment upon the cats.

CURTAILED.

A strapping fellow told a diminutive man that he was “curtailed of man’s fair proportion.” “If you will just step out on the green,” said the little one, “you shall find that I am not cur-hearted, although I am cur-tailed.”

A GOOD MOVE.

Sheridan being on a Parliamentary committee, one day entered the room as all the members were seated, and ready to commence business: perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and, looking round the table with a droll expression of countenance, said, “Will any gentleman move that I may take the chair.”

LORD ERSKINE.

At a trial about an engraving, where several distinguished artists were summoned to give evidence, Lord (then Mr.) Erskine, after flourishing away, made an attempt to puzzle Mr. Stothard, by drawing two angles on a piece of paper, an acute and an obtuse one, and asking, “Do you mean to say these two are alike?” “Yes, I do,” was the answer. “I see,” said Erskine, turning round, “there is nothing to be got by angling here.”

SMART REPARTEE.

A officer in the army being entertained at a gentleman’s table while he was in Scotland, happened to commend very highly a dish of fish. A rigid parson of the kirk, looking upon him as a reprobate for being pleased with his dinner, said, “While you pamper the flesh, sir, I hope you do not starve the inward man; the soul is not fed at the mouth, and you ought not to lust after the food that perisheth.” The officer was somewhat surprised at this sermon in miniature; but perceiving that his monitor was, like Sir John Falstaff, hugely waisted, he replied, with a smile, fixing his eyes full upon the preacher’s protuberant paunch, “I will be admonished by your example, for I see plainly by your tabernacle, that your food does not perish.” He then proceeded to exercise his knife and fork with additional vigour, as the plump kirkman encouraged him by his actions not to pay any regard to his words.

FASHIONABLE DINNER HOUR.

Some one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and later, “Aye,” quoth Sam Rogers, “It will soon end in our not dining till to-morrow.”

THE INFERNAL MACHINE.

The infernal machine exploded in the streets of Paris after Bonaparte’s carriage had passed, but before Josephine’s came up; which being the subject of conversation in a miscellaneous company in England, some one asked what they were talking of. “Nothing material,” answered a wit; “only a blow up between the First Consul and his wife.”

LORD THURLOW.

Lord Thurlow, Lord Chancellor of England, was one of the sternest, and, at the same time, most tempestuous men that ever lived. A mace-bearer, who had attended him for years in awful silence, one day thought he perceived something like a bright streak of good humour enter the lurid horizon of his lordship’s face, and ventured to simper out, “My lord, there is a fine day.” “Damn you and the day too!” thundered out the black-browed chancellor.

CONJECTURAL KNOWLEDGE.

The following brief, but pithy dialogue, occurred on the Epsom road, between a Cockney and a countryman:—

Cockney. I say, Bill, my good fellow, vich is the way to Epsom.

Countryman. How did you know that my name was Bill?

Cockney. Vy, I guessed it.

Countryman. But how do you know that I was a good fellow?

Cockney. Vy, I guessed it.

Countryman. Then, guess the way to Epsom.

JAMES THE SECOND’S SINGLE GOOD THING.

There is but one instance on record of James II. uttering an expression of wit or humour, and, strange to say, that would appear to have been expressed from him by the weight of his sorrows at the Revolution. During the advance of the Prince of Orange towards London, as, morning after morning, some leading man or other was found to have left the king’s camp during the night, and gone over to the Liberator, the Prince of Denmark used to exclaim, as each successive instance was related to his majesty, “Est il possible?” (Is it possible?) as if he could not believe there was so much treachery in human nature. At length, the good Prince of Denmark found it necessary, with his wife Anne, to follow the example of those well-principled persons: James remarked, when told of it in the morning, “What! is Est-il-possible gone too!”

PROOF.

A woman, suspected of having given poison to her husband, was apprehended by the constable. The man certainly looked very ill; yet, as there was no direct proof, and as, above all things, he had not died, there was some probability in her favour. Mr. Constable was sadly puzzled between the pro and con; and was at last fairly driven from the field by the following appeal from the weeping lady:—“I never gave him any thing to hurt him: only open him, and you will see how false it is!”

DR. FRIEND.

Dr. Friend, coming home after having got himself highly praised at a dinner party, was called out to see a lady taken dangerously ill. With some difficulty he went, or rather was led, to the bedside of the patient; where, holding fast by a bed-post with one hand, he seized with the other the lady’s wrist; but all attempts to note the pulsations were vain, and he could only mumble out, “Drunk, by Jove! Drunk!” “Oh, madam,” cried the waiting-maid, as soon as the physician was gone, “what a wonderful man! How soon he discovered what was the matter with you!”

SIR RICHARD JEBB.

This eminent physician was a man of impatient, irritable temper, and, when bored with the querulous complaints of some of his patients, could hardly ever force himself to return a civil answer. Sometimes his irritability led him to explode in a furious anathema, mingled with horrible oaths; sometimes he assumed a tone of quiet but severe sarcasm. A troublesome patient, who only fancied himself ill, pestered him one day with inquiries as to what he should eat. “My directions on that point,” said Sir Richard, “will be few and simple: You must not eat the shovel, poker, or tongs, for they are hard of digestion; nor the bellows, for they are windy; but any thing else you please!”

BEST UPPER LEATHER.

The following sound advice occurs in an almanack:—“If you wish to have a shoe of durable materials, you should make the upper leather of the mouth of a hard drinker; for that never lets in water.”

DÆDALUS.

A fellow once brought a vast number of people together in London by giving out that, on a certain day, he would fly over Westminster Hall, in the manner of Icarus. One of the crowd, waiting for this sight on Westminster Bridge, inquired of a neighbour, “Pray, who was Icarus?” to which the reply was, “The son of Diddle-us, I believe.”

DR. RADCLIFFE.

Dr. Radcliffe was avaricious, and would never pay his bills without much importunity. A pavior, after many fruitless attempts, caught him as he was going out in his chariot. “Why, you rascal,” said the doctor, “do you pretend to be paid for such a piece of work? Why, you have spoiled my pavement, and then covered it over with earth to hide your bad work.” “Doctor,” said the pavior, “mine is not the only bad work the earth hides.” “You dog, you,” said the doctor, “are you a wit? You must be poor; come in and be paid.”

LORD SANDWICH.

Lord Sandwich, a member of that administration which carried on the American war, though a dignified looking nobleman in dress, was so ungainly a walker on the street, that, on a gentleman of his acquaintance expressing a doubt whether an individual at a distance was his lordship or not, another is said to have remarked, “Oh, yes, I am sure it is Lord Sandwich, for, if you observe, he is walking down both sides of the street at once.” His lordship used to relate of himself that, having once taken lessons in dancing at Paris, he asked the professor at the conclusion, if he could do him any favour in his own country; to which the man replied, bowing, “I should take it as a particular favour if your lordship would never tell any one of whom you learned to dance.”

OLD BAILEY WIT.

A man was tried for stealing a pair of boots from a shop-door in Holborn, with which he ran away. Judge, to shoemaker, who had pursued and seized the prisoner—“What did he say when you caught him?” Witness—“My lord, he said he took the boots in a joke.” Judge—“And pray, how far was he off when you caught him?” Witness—“About forty yards, please your lordship.” Judge—“I am afraid this is carrying the joke too far;” and he condemned the prisoner.

WATERLOO MEDAL.

A Frenchman sneered at a British soldier for wearing a Waterloo medal, a thing which did not cost the English government three francs. “It may have cost the English government only three francs,” said the soldier; “but it cost the French a Napoleon besides.”

BOLD REPLY.

James the Second, who so seldom said a good thing, one day said a very ill-bred one. He declared, in the midst of his courtiers, that “he had never known a modest man make his way at court.” To this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied, “And, please your majesty, whose fault is that?” The king was struck, and remained silent.

A GOOD SORT OF MAN.

“Pray,” said a lady to Foote, “what sort of man is Sir John D.?” “Oh! a very good sort of man.” “But what do you call a good sort of man?” “Why, madam, one who preserves all the exterior decencies of ignorance.”

TIME AT ROYAL DISCRETION.

The great have always been flattered, but never was adulation carried farther than on the part of a lady of honour to Queen Anne. The queen having asked her what the time was, “Whatever time it may please your majesty,” was the reply.

VALUABLE EVIDENCE.

In a case of assault, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman! “Did you see the defendant throw the stone?” “I saw a stone, and I’ze pretty sure the defendant throwed it.” “Was it a large stone?” “I should say it wur a largeish stone.” “What was its size?” “I should say a sizeable stone.” “Can’t you answer definitely how big it was?” “I should say it were a stone of some bigness.” “Can’t you compare it to some other object?” “Why, if I wur to compare it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large as a lump of chalk.”

UNPLEASANT COMPLIMENT.

Mr. Pitt being in company with the late Duchess of Gordon, who spoke the Scotch dialect in the broadest manner, she told him that some of her family had gone to France, and was asked by him why she was not of the party. She said in answer, “That it was very awkward to be in a country and not know the language.” “Why,” said Mr. Pitt, “your grace has not found any such inconvenience in England.”

PAINT.

The old Duchess of Bedford, if born, as she herself once declared, before nerves came in fashion, had not at least been born before it was fashionable to paint. Her grace was, indeed, notoriously addicted to rouge, which she used in uncommon quantities. Lord North one day asked George III. when his majesty had seen the old lady? The king replied, “He had not seen her face, nor had any other person, he believed, for more than twenty years.”

CONDESCENSION IN LOVE.

When Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Porter, he told her he was of mean extraction; had no money; and had an uncle hanged! The lady by way of reducing herself to an equality with him, replied that she had no more money than himself, and that, although she had not a relation hanged, she had fifty who deserved hanging. And thus was accomplished this singular amour.

VERACITY.

A gentleman in company with Mr. C. Bannister boasted that he had destroyed five hundred men with his own hands. “Sir,” said Charles, “I have killed a few in my time also—let me see: five at Madrid, ten at Lisbon, twenty at Paris, thirty at Vienna, and double the number at the Hague. At length, coming over from Calais to Dover, I had scarce disembarked, when a desperate fellow of an Irishman killed me.” “Killed you!” said Munchausen; “what do you mean by that?” “Sir,” replied the wit, “I did not dispute your veracity, and why should you question mine?”

TAKE ADVICE.

A gentleman who used to frequent the Chapter Coffeehouse, being unwell, thought he might steal an opinion concerning his case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking Dr. Buchan, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for such a complaint? “I’ll tell you,” says the doctor—“you should take advice.”

PROOF OF A CIVILIZED COUNTRY.

The writer of a modern book of travels, relating the particulars of his being cast away, thus concludes—“After having walked eleven hours without tracing the print of a human foot, to my great comfort and delight I saw a man hanging upon a gibbet; my pleasure at this cheering prospect was inexpressible, for it convinced me that I was in a civilized country, there being no such thing among savages.”

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LITERAL AND LITERARY.

During the institution of a society in Liverpool for the purpose of literary improvement, a gentleman of strong body but of slender wit applied to be admitted a member; “I think,” said he to the president, “I must certainly be a vast acquisition to a society of this kind, as I am undoubtedly a great man in the literal sense of the word!” “True,” replied the other; “but I am afraid you are but a little man in the literary sense of the word.”

PURE ENGLISH.

The English ambassador demanded of Louis XIV. the liberation of the Protestants who had been condemned to the galleys on account of their religion. “What would the King of Great Britain say if I asked him to liberate the prisoners in Newgate?” “Sire,” replied the ambassador, “the king, my master, would grant your majesty’s request if you reclaimed them as your brethren.”

PROOF OF SANITY.

Sir Theodore Mayerne, physician to King James I., and who made an immense sum by his practice, was once consulted by a friend, who laid two broad pieces of gold on the table (six and thirties), and Sir Theodore put them into his pocket. The friend was hurt at his pocketing such a fee; but Sir Theodore said to him, “I made my will this morning, and if it should appear that I refused a fee, I might be deemed non compos.”

BUT!

In a case of assault, where an eminent brewer was concerned, the following ingenious argument was stated in the pleadings to have been used by that individual: “If there be any charge made against the beer, rebutt it.” It was this clench in jest, which led to the assault in earnest; so that neither your if nor your but is a certain peacemaker.

COMPETITION OF WONDERS.

Several gentlemen at a party contested the honour of having done the most extraordinary thing. A reverend D.D. was appointed to be judge of their respective pretensions. One produced his tailor’s bill, with a receipt attached to it; a cry went through the room, that this would not be outdone; when a second proved that he had arrested his tailor for money lent to him. The palm is his, was the universal outcry; when a third observed, “Gentlemen, I cannot boast of the feats of either of my predecessors; but I have returned to the owners two umbrellas that they had left at my house.” “I’ll hear no more,” cried the arbiter; “this is the very ne plus ultra of honest and unheard of deeds; it is an act of virtue of which I never before knew any person capable: the prize is yours.”

LORD PETERBOROUGH.

The eccentric Lord Peterborough, though one of the most brilliant of modern military characters, was overshadowed by the Duke of Marlborough. On a temporary return from Spain, where he was commanding, he found all his projects, proposals, and recommendations taken by the ministry ad referendum which disgusted him so much, that he threw himself into a sedan chair to return home, and drawing the curtains all round, sat indulging in his own morose thoughts. As he was passing through the streets, the populace took up an idea that he was the rival general, and gathered round, crying, “God bless the Duke of Marlborough! God bless the Duke of Marlborough!” “Gentlemen,” said his lordship, pushing down one of the windows, “I am not the Duke of Marlborough.” “O yes,” said a spokesman of the multitude, “you are the Duke of Marlborough: we know you well enough.” “Gentlemen,” said Lord Peterborough, “I am not the Duke of Marlborough. Let me down,” he cried to the chairman. Got out of the chair, and now standing,—“I am not the Duke of Marlborough, I tell you, and I will now give you two convincing proofs that I am not; one is, that I have but a single guinea,” and he turned his pockets inside out: “the other is, that I give it you;” and he threw it among them.

LEGAL ADVICE.

“Sir,” said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, “will you tell me if this is a good seven-shilling piece?” The lawyer pronouncing the piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with great gravity, “if you’ll send your lad to my office, I’ll return the fourpence.”

BON MOT OF GEORGE II.

A heavy-heeled cavalry officer, at one of the Brighton balls, astounded the room by the peculiar impressiveness of his dancing. A circle of affrighted ladies fluttered over to the prince, and inquired by what possibility they could escape being trampled out of the world by this formidable performer. “Nothing can be done,” said the prince, “since the war is over; then he might have been sent back to America, as a republication of the stamp act.”

PULTENEY, EARL OF BATH.

Lord Bath passed for one of the wisest men in England. “When one is in opposition,” was one of his sayings, “it is very easy to know what to say; but when one is minister, it is difficult to know what not to say.”

ANOTHER OF THE SAME.

Lord Chancellor Loughborough told the Duke of Bridgewater he never knew Lord Bath. “How?” said Bridgewater; “were you not a minister at the same time that he was a minister?” “Yes,” was the reply, “personally; but I used to go to bed before twelve, and Lord Bath never was himself (that is, in the full plenitude of his faculties and gaiety) till after.”

ADVANTAGES OF LOW PRICES.

A gentleman in one of the steam-packets asked the steward, when he came round to collect the passage money (of 6d. each for the best cabin), if there was not some danger of being blown up? The latter promptly replied, “No, sir, not the least; we cannot afford to blow people up at these low prices.”

JACOBITISM.

Lord Peterborough, about the time of the revolution of 1688, was anxious to obtain a fine singing canary from a coffeehouse keeper in London, his mistress having taken a fancy for it. Finding the people obstinately bent against selling it, he at last contrived to steal it, leaving a female one in its place. Some two years after, he ventured to say to the good woman of the house, that he supposed she would now take the money he formerly offered for the bird. “Indeed, sir,” answered she, “I would not; nor would I take any sum for him; for,—would you believe it?—from the time that our good king was forced to go abroad and leave us, the dear creature has not sung a note!”