English Jests and Anecdotes (continued 2)

The above reminds us of another, and, perhaps, more original joke, of which we supply a new edition:—Two ships meeting, the following dialogue ensued:—“What ship is that?” “The Dam.” ”Whence came you?“ ”From Amsterdam.” “Where are you bound to?” “To Rotterdam.” “What is your captain’s name?” “Potsdam.” “What is your cargo?” “Damsons and Damask.” “How goes it with you?” “In the last gale much damage.” “What news?” “The dams of Holland overflowed.” “You are,” concluded the interrogating tar, “a d—-d set; so d——n your eyes, sheer off!”

RIGHT DIVINE.

Among the few highly favoured individuals who were included in the select evening parties of George the Fourth, while at the Pavilion, Brighton, was the facetious Rev. J. Wright. On one occasion, the king hinted to his brother, the Duke of York, some intention he had of doing a particular act, to which the duke dissented: his majesty referred to the D.D.; on which the reverend jocularly observed, “The King can do no wrong.” “Then,” said his majesty, “Fred, I shall pursue my object; for you hear I have Wright Divine on my side.”

AN OLD BEARD.

Eric Rosenkrantz, who visited England in the reign of Charles I., from a motive of curiosity, was, in 1652, sent hither on an extraordinary embassy from the court of Denmark. Cromwell, who considered Rosenkrantz as a young minister without experience, asked him, whether there were many such forward geniuses among the Danes, who were qualified to manage the arduous affairs of state before their beards were grown. Rosenkrantz, who had occasion for all his temper and discretion not to say too much or too little upon the attack, replied, with an admirable firmness, “Sir, my beard, though it be young, is, however, older than your republic.” The protector, from this smart reply, conceived a different opinion of him, and treated him with much higher regard.

LORD LOUGHBOROUGH.

Lord Loughborough rallying a physician one day, on the inefficacy of his prescriptions, the doctor said, he defied any of his patients to find fault with him. “That,” answered the witty lord, “is exactly what Jack Ketch says.”

NATIONAL PARADOXES.

Somebody once remarked that the Englishman is never happy but when he is miserable; the Scotchman is never at home but when he is abroad; and the Irishman is never at peace but when he is fighting.

A HARD RUN.

A droll equivoque, and not unseasonable, took place between Sir —— and Mr. M——, at the time of the great cash distresses in 1826. The baronet overtook the latter on returning from a fox chase; and, supposing the banker had been one of the field, and wishing to say something civil as he passed, observed, “A hard run to-day, Mr. M.” “Oh, no, sir, I assure you!” replied the conscious man of money, not of straw; “no such thing, sir; not in the least hard pressed to-day; no run at all!” “Why we run him in!” rejoined the baronet, with evident surprise; “would you have all knocked up?” “Oh! you are talking of the fox, perhaps,” said the banker, “and I was thinking of my bank. I have not been hunting, but hunted all the week by a pack of fools.”

THE KING IN A SQUABBLE.

A recruiting sergeant, addressing an honest country bumpkin in one of the streets of Manchester, with—“Come, my lad, thou’lt fight for thy king, won’t thou?” “Voight for my king,” answered Hodge, “why, has he fawn out wi’ ony body?”

A WIDOW REQUIRES PICKLING.

Dr. James was sent for to a widow lady, who was not very well, who asked him if sea bathing would not be a very good thing for her? “Why, yes, madam, if a widow won’t keep without being salted.”

ARMS.

The Duchess of Kingston, who was remarkable for having a very high sense of her own dignity, being one day detained in her carriage by a cart of coals that was unloading in the street, she leaned with both her arms upon the door, and asked the fellow, “How dare you, sirrah, stop a woman of quality in the street?” “Woman of quality,” replied the man. “Yes, fellow,” rejoined her grace, “don’t you see my arms upon my carriage?” “Yes, I do indeed,” says he, “and a pair of plaguy coarse arms they are.”

A MOVING DISCOURSE.

A certain reverend drone in the country, preaching a very dull sermon to a congregation not used to him, many of them slunk out of the church, one after another, before the sermon was nearly ended. “Truly,” said a gentleman present, “this learned doctor has made a very moving discourse.”

DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM.

An instance of astonishing quickness is related of the witty Duke of Buckingham: Being present at the first representation of one of Dryden’s pieces of heroic nonsense, where a lover says, “My wound is great, because it is so small!” The Duke cried out, “Then ’twould be greater, were it none at all.” The play was instantly damned.

SHORT PRAYERS.

At a dinner party at the Duke of Ormond’s in 1715, Sir William Wyndham, in a jocular dispute about short prayers, told the company, among whom was Bishop Atterbury, that the shortest prayer he had ever heard, was that of a common soldier, just before the battle of Blenheim:—“O God, if there be a God, save my soul, if I have a soul!” This was followed by a general laugh. Atterbury seemed to join in the conversation, and, applying himself to Sir William Wyndham, said, “Your prayer, Sir William, is indeed very short; but I remember another as short, and much better, offered up likewise by a poor soldier, in the same circumstances:—‘O God, if in the day of battle I forget Thee, do not Thou forget me!’”

[A Highlander offered up a prayer almost as laconic as either of the above two, just before fighting for the Old Chevalier, at the battle of Sheriffmuir. He said, “Oh Lord, be Thou for us; but if Thou be not for us be not against us, but leave it between the red coats (the king’s soldiers) and us.”]

THREE USES OF ONE WORD.

A person, who lived in constant fear of the bailiffs, having absconded, one of his acquaintances was asked, what was the reason of his absence? to which he replied, “Why, sir, I apprehend he was apprehensive of being apprehended.”

COUNTENANCE AT AN ELECTION.

When Mr. Charles York was returned a member for the University of Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial for having the largest and most hideous physiognomy that ever eye beheld. Mr. York, in thanking him, said, “Sir, I have great reason to be thankful to my friends in general, but confess myself under a particular obligation to you, for the very remarkable countenance you have shewn me upon this occasion.”

AMIABLE COMPASSION.

Theodore Hook being told of the marriage of a political opponent, exclaimed, “I am very glad, indeed, to hear it.” Then suddenly added, with a feeling of compassionate forgiveness, “And yet I don’t see why I should, poor fellow, for he never did me much harm.”

INGENIOUS INSINUATION.

At Allithwaite, Westmoreland, Mrs. Sarah Birkett, innkeeper, and formerly of Troutbeck, famous for brewing fine ale, had upon her sign-post the following words:—

HOW TO PAY A DOCTOR’S BILL.

A singular old gentleman was waited upon with his surgeon’s bill for the purpose of being paid. After cogitating over its contents for some time, he desired the person in waiting for his answer, to tell his master that the medicine he should certainly pay for, but that he should return the visits.

GOOD EXCHANGE.

In a company where the conversation happened to turn upon the Mosaical account of the creation of the first woman, a lady made the following remark:—“The Creator appears, in this story, in the light of a midnight robber—he steals from Adam in his sleep.” “Allow me, madam,” said a gentleman, “to narrate an anecdote by way of argument against your objection. Last night, some persons broke into my father’s house; they carried away a bar of silver, and left in its place a richly chased golden vase. Can we consider these men as thieves?” “Thieves!” exclaimed the lady, “no; benefactors.” “Well, then,” said the gentleman, “in what manner ought we to regard Him who took away a worthless rib, and gave in exchange an inestimable treasure?”

REASON TO BE THANKFUL.

A very worthy, though not particularly erudite, underwriter at Lloyd’s, was conversing one day with a friend in the coffee-house on the subject of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend observed, “Do you know that I shrewdly suspect our ship is in jeopardy?” “The devil she is,” replied he, “well, I’m glad that she’s got into some port at last.”

WILKES.

At the period of Wilkes’s popularity, every wall bore his name, and every window his portrait. In china, in bronze, or in marble, he stood upon the chimney-pieces of half the houses of the metropolis? he swung upon the sign-post of every village, of every great road throughout the country. He used himself to tell, with much glee, of a monarchical old lady, behind whom he accidently walked, looking up, and murmuring within his hearing, in much spleen, “He swings everywhere but where he ought!” Wilkes passed her, and, turning round, politely bowed.

INSCRIPTION FOR AN APOTHECARY.

The following was, in consequence of an evening’s frolic, inscribed by some wags of Oxford, over an apothecary’s door:—

Hic venditur Catharticum, Emeticum, Narcoticum, Et omne quod exit in um, Præter Remedium.

WIT IN A FOOTMAN.

“How do you like your new place, Jack?” said a smart liveried footman, to an old fellow-servant whom he met in Pall Mall, bearing one of the lottery placards. “Pretty well,” replied the other: “if it’s not quite so genteel as yours, it is more independent; for, don’t you see, I get seventeen shillings per week, and my board,” pointing to the notice on his shoulder.

THE COUNTER-SIGN.

When those trusty defenders of the country, the Tower Hamlets militia, were doing duty, a fat shopkeeper having fallen asleep when sentry, was called upon to give the watchword. “The watchword!” said another; “ask him for the counter-sign.”

MAKING MONEY GO FAR.

Foote and Garrick were at the tavern together, when the former, pulling out his purse to pay the reckoning, asked the other what he should do with a light guinea he had? “Pshaw! it is worth nothing,” says Garrick; “fling it to the devil!” “Well, David,” says the other, “you are what I always took you for, ever contriving to make a guinea go further than any other man.”

COUNSEL’S OPINION.

An eminent barrister had a case sent to him for an opinion. The case stated was the most preposterous and improbable that had ever occurred to the mind of man, and concluded by asking, whether, under such circumstances, an action would lie? He took his pen, and wrote,—“Yes if the witnesses will lie too; but not otherwise.”

DEAN SWIFT’S OPINION OF FAULTS.

Dean Swift had a shoulder of mutton brought up for his dinner, too much done: he sent for the cook, and told her to take the mutton down, and do it less. “Please your honour, I cannot do it less.” “But,” says the Dean, “if it had not been done enough, you could have done it more, could you not?” “Oh, yes! very easily.” “Why, then,” says the Dean, “for the future, when you commit a fault, let it be such a one as can be mended.”

PLAYING THE FOOL.

A lady beating a tune on a table, as destitute of harmony as time, asked another, if she knew what she played? “I do,” answered she; “you play the fool.”

EASIER TO MAKE THAN MEND.

Pope, one night crossing the street from Button’s coffee-house, when the moon occasionally peeped through a cloud, was accosted by a link-boy, with “Light, your honour; Light, your honour!” He repeatedly exclaimed, “I don’t want you.” But the lad still following him, he peevishly cried out, “Get about your business, God mend me! I will not give you a farthing; it’s light enough.” “It’s light enough!” echoed the lad; “what’s light enough? your head or your pocket? God mend you, indeed! it would be easier for God Almighty to make two men, than mend one such as you.”

WILLIAM DUKE OF CUMBERLAND.

Foote rattling away one evening in his green-room with great wit and brilliancy, as usual, the Duke of Cumberland, who was present, and seemed highly entertained, cried out, “Well, Foote, you see I swallow all your good things.” “Do you, my Lord Duke,” says the other; “why, then, I congratulate you on your digestion; for, by G—d, I believe you never threw up one of them in your life.”

SHERIDAN.

When Sheridan’s life was to be insured, Mr. Aaron Graham, the magistrate, was applied to, in order to know whether Mr. Sheridan was, at that period, living a more regular life than usual. “I believe he is,” said the justice; “but understand me; I think he is more regularly tipsy, every night now, than he has been for several years past.”

A TRAFALGAR ANECDOTE.

The Belleisle, Captain Haywood, when dismasted, was attacked by five ships at once. Captain H. finding himself thus assailed, looked over the gangway, and, shaking his head at his enemies, involuntarily ejaculated, “I’ll not strike for any of you—no, that I won’t.” A dauntless old quarter-master, who was the captain of the foremast gun on the quarterdeck, hearing what his captain said, immediately remarked, “Who the devil asked you?”

MACPHERSON.

When Macpherson’s Homer came out (a book universally decried for a bombastical, affected style), a lady remarked one evening, in a large company, to Dr. Johnson, that she had been endeavouring to read it, but the style appeared so old, she could not go through it with any satisfaction. “You are perfectly right, madam,” says Johnson; “it is as old as the building of Babel.”

WRITING DOWN A CHARACTER.

Much about the time of the universal damnation of the above book, the Lord Advocate of Scotland, being in company with a number of beaux esprits, after haranguing with great vehemence and nationality on the general talents of Mr. Macpherson, he asserted there was not a man in England had ever the knack of writing down a character more than he had. “I believe it most sincerely,” says a gentleman present; “and I think he has given a very recent proof of it, by writing down one of the first characters of all antiquity.”

APT QUOTATION.

Dr. Paris, author of the well-known work on Diet, observing many of the miners in Cornwall to be deprived of legs and arms, and otherwise maimed, inquired the cause, and was shocked to learn that these men had been exposed for ages to the greatest dangers, from their using a metal in their excavations, which sometimes struck fire, and exploded the blasts prematurely. He immediately suggested a metal which was equally fitted for their trade, and was not liable to this dreadful objection. The poor men, truly grateful for his kindness, afterwards presented him with a piece of plate; on which was the following singularly apt and happy quotation from Virgil:—

A DYING WIT.

An English judge, when about to administer the oath to a dyer, observing his hand to be dark, called out, “Take off your glove.” The dyer, whose hand only bore the usual stain of his profession, promptly rejoined, “Put on your spectacles.”

DRAWINGS OF CORK.

Jack Bannister, praising the hospitality of the Irish, after his return from one of his trips to the sister kingdom, was asked if he had been in Cork. “No,” replied the wit, “but I saw a great many drawings of it.”

RELIGION OF SEA CHAPLAINS.

When the Earl of Clancarty was captain of a man-of-war, and was cruising off the coast of Guinea, he happened to lose his chaplain, who was carried off by a fever; on which the lieutenant, who was a Scotchman, gave him notice of it, saying at the same time, “that he was sorry to inform him he had died a Roman Catholic.” “Well, so much the better,” said his lordship. “Hout awa, my lord; how can you say so of a British clergyman?” “Why,” said his lordship, “because I believe I am the first captain of a man-of-war that could boast of having a chaplain who had any religion at all.”

A SCOTCH MOON.

An English lady was on a visit to a friend in Edinburgh, who was at great pains to point out to her all the delightful prospects of that romantic city. The stranger, assuming an air of consequence, generally answered, “’Tis very well for a Scotch view!” One delightful evening, walking along Queen Street, while the autumnal moon shone with uncommon lustre, her friend could not help expressing her admiration of the resplendent orb of night, when the Cockey remarked, “’Tis pretty well for a Scotch moon!”

NEW MEANING OF THE WORD REMONSTRATE.

A worthy farmer in the north of England was once waited upon by a tax-gatherer, who claimed taxes which had been already paid. The receipt had been mislaid, and the farmer could not on the instant produce it. The man of taxes became very abusive; and the farmer, in his own phrase, remonstrated with him. “Well, and to what effect did you remonstrate with him?” asked a friend, who heard the story from the farmer’s own mouth. “I don’t know,” was the reply; “but I know the poker was bent, and I had to get a hammer to straighten it again.”

A BRIDLE FOR THE TONGUE.

A young nobleman, full of the follies of youth and the vanities of his rank, was rattling away at a great rate one morning at the Smyrna coffee-house. He, in particular, took great pains to let the company know of what consequence he was abroad, by the number of valuable presents made him at the several courts of Europe: “For instance, now,” says he, “I have got a bridle given me by the King of France, so exceeding rich and elegant, that upon my soul, I do not know what use to make of it.” “A bridle! my lord,” says an old gentleman, who sat in the corner. “Yes, sir,” says his lordship. “Why, then, I think the best use you can make of that is, to put it about your tongue.”

LORD HOLLAND AND THE CHAIRMEN.

The late Lord Holland (who was, perhaps, the fattest man of his height in England), and his brother Charles, coming out of the Thatched-house one night together, a chair was called for the former, who, altering his mind, agreed to go home in his brother’s carriage, which was in waiting: the chairmen, however, being disappointed, he gave them a shilling. “Long life to your lordship,” says Paddy; “sixpence more to the poor chairmen.” “What!” says he, “have I not given you your full fare?” “O, yes, your lordship; but consider the fright.”

GARRICK AN ACTOR ON AND OFF THE STAGE.

Foote being at supper one night at the Bedford coffee-house, just after Garrick had performed Macbeth, the conversation very naturally turned on the merits of that great performer, when, after many eulogiums on the universality of his powers, it was admitted, on all hands, that he was the first actor on any stage. “By G—d, gentlemen,” says Foote, “I don’t think you have above half said enough of him; for I think him not only the greatest actor on, but off the stage.”[D]

DR. JOHNSON ON A SCOTCH PROSPECT.

When Dr. Johnson was in Scotland, amongst other curiosities shewn him, he was taken to a very ancient and high castle, which was reckoned to command the most extensive views of any in the country. “Well, sir,” says his guide, “what do you think of this prospect?” “It is the finest in all Scotland,” says the doctor; “for I can here see the road to England.”

DR. JOHNSON ON THE RECONCILIATION OF WOMEN.

Dr. Johnson sitting one night with a number of ladies and gentlemen of his acquaintance, the ladies, by way of heightening the good humour of the company, agreed to toast ordinary women. In this round, one of the ladies gave an old housekeeper of Dr. Johnson’s, blind of an eye, and another matched her with Dr. Goldsmith. This whimsical union so pleased the former lady, that though she had some pique with the latter in the beginning of the night, she ran round the table, kissed her, and said she forgave her every thing that happened for the ’propos of her last toast. “Ay,” says Johnson, “this puts me in mind of an observation of Swift’s, that the quarrels of women are made up like those of ancient kings,—there is always an animal sacrificed on the occasion.”

REHEARSING A FUNERAL.

Lord Chesterfield, a little before his death, was so infirm, that, whenever he went out in his coach, the horses were generally led step by step. In this situation he was one morning met by an acquaintance, who congratulated his lordship on being able to take the air. “I thank you kindly, sir,” says his lordship; “but I do not come out so much for the air, as for the benefit of rehearsing my funeral.”

BEST SORT OF LANGUAGE FOR THE PULPIT.

The vicar in a certain village in England, returning one Sunday from church, was thus accosted by an opulent farmer: “Well, doctor,” said he, “you be gwain on pretty well now; but why dount ye gi’ us now and than a scrap of Latin?” “Why,” said the vicar, “if I had thought it had been your wish, I should have had no objection, but for one thing—I am afraid you would not understand it.” “That,” said the other, “is nout to you; as we do pay vor the best, we oft to ha’ the best.”

HOGARTH’S NO-DEDICATION.

Hogarth wrote a History of the Arts, which he intended to publish as a supplement to the Analysis of Beauty, and even went so far as to write the dedication for it, which was as follows:—

“The no-dedication; not dedicated to any prince in Christendom, for fear it might be thought an idle piece of arrogance; not dedicated to any man of quality, for fear it might be thought too assuming; not dedicated to any learned body of men, as either of the Universities, or the Royal Society, for fear it might be thought an uncommon piece of vanity; nor dedicated to any one particular friend, for fear of offending another; therefore, dedicated to nobody: but if, for once, we may suppose nobody to be every body, as every body is often said to be nobody, then is this work dedicated to every body, by their most humble and devoted William Hogarth.”

A COMPLIMENT TO EXTRAORDINARY TALENT.

Notwithstanding the perpetual contention between Rich and Garrick for the favour of the town, they lived upon very friendly terms. Rich had improved his house at Covent Garden, and made it capable of holding more. Garrick went with him to see it, and asked him, in the theatrical phrase, how much money it would hold. “Sir,” says Rich, “that question I am at present unable to answer; but were you to appear but one night on my stage, I should be able to tell you to the utmost shilling.”

FRIENDS.

Some English officers, drinking in their tent, asked the chaplain for a toast. “The King of France.” “What! our foe?” said the colonel. “You live by him,” said the chaplain. The colonel, in his turn, gave “The Devil.” “Do you mean to affront me?” exclaimed the chaplain. “You live by him,” said the colonel, very coolly; “do you not, my good doctor?”

POVERTY A VIRTUE.

Dr. R—— maintained that poverty was a virtue. “That,” replied Mr. Canning, “is literally making a virtue of necessity.”

ANECDOTE OF JOE MILLER.

Joe Miller going one day along the Strand, an impudent Derby Captain came swaggering up to him, and thrust between him and the wall. “I don’t use to give the wall,” said he, “to every jackanapes.” “But I do,” said Joe, and so made way for him.

FOUL WIND.

A gentleman having a remarkably bad breath, was met by Lord Thurlow in Pall Mall, who, seeing him booted and spurred, asked him where he had been? “I have been taking the air this morning,” says he, “which was rather disagreeable too, as I had a d—d north wind full in my face all the time.” “Come, come,” says his lordship; “don’t you complain: the north wind had the worst of it.”

LORD NORBURY.

Lord Norbury, happening to drive out in the neighbourhood of Kingstown, was accosted by a poor person in want of employment. His lordship asked him many questions, and, amongst others, his name, and what business he followed. He said, “his name was Pew, and he was a labourer.” “Why, Pew,” replied his lordship, “you should have had a permanent situation in the church.”

LENIENT JUDGMENT.

There was once a man of a peculiarly gentle temper—a man of mere milk—a perfect Nathaniel, whom nobody could ever provoke to say so much as an ill word of any body. The most atrocious villains who came to the gallows were pitied by this man. He found an excuse for every folly—a pardon for every crime. Somebody, at last, by way of trying his temper, related to him the whole story of Nero—how he killed his mother, set fire to Rome, and would have slain his whole people by one blow if he could. “What—what do you think of that man?” inquired the narrator at last, expecting to hear him pronounced upon as a monster in human shape. “Why,” said the man of sillibub, “I think he must have been a wag!”

TECHNICAL REMARK.

A printer observing two bailiffs pursuing an ingenious but distressed author, remarked, “that it was a new edition of ‘The Pursuits of Literature,’ unbound, but hot-pressed.”

SHERIDAN AND THE GREAT SEAL.

At a canvas, in which Sheridan was engaged at Westminster, soon after the Great Seal of England was so strangely abstracted, the mob saluted him with loud cries of,—“Who stole the Seal? Sherry stole the Seal,” &c.; and one fellow at last exclaimed, “I suppose if there had been a watch at it, he would have stolen it too.” “No,” said Sheridan; “if there had been a watch at it, it probably would not have been stolen at all.”

WELL-SUSTAINED CONVERSATION.

A country gentleman of great taciturnity, and whose servant quite understood all his ways, was one day crossing a bridge, when he took it into his head to look back and ask his attendant if he liked eggs. John answered, “Yes,” and no more passed at that time. Exactly on that day twelvemonth, he happened to cross the same bridge, about the same hour of the day. “How?” cried he to the servant, who rode behind him. John, not behind in one respect, instantly replied, “Poached, sir.” The conversation then dropped.

SHERIDAN AND DIGNUM.

On the 5th of December, 1803, Mr. Reynolds, the prolific dramatist, produced a musical afterpiece at Drury-Lane, entitled, “The Caravan; or, the Driver and his Dog.” There was some pretty music in it, composed by Reed, and it had a very great run, and brought much money to the treasury. The chief attraction of the piece was a dog called Carlo. “One day, Mr. Sheridan having dined with me,” says Kelly in his Memoirs, “we went to see the performance of this wonderful dog; as we entered the green-room, Dignum (who played in the piece) said, ‘Sir, there is no guarding against illness; it is truly lamentable to stop the run of a successful piece like this—’ ‘Really! what?’ cried Sheridan, interrupting him. ‘I am so unwell!’ continued Dignum, ‘that I cannot go on longer than to-night.’ ‘You!’ exclaimed Sheridan, ‘my good fellow, you terrified me; I thought you were going to say that the dog was taken ill.’”

SODORIFIC AND SOPORIFIC.

A medical practitioner, who occasionally jests with his patients, being visited by one who was hypochondriac, and fancied himself ill of a fever, he gave the following prescription:—“Recipe—A washerwoman.” On being asked the reason for this curious order, he replied, “He knew nothing better for the cure of such fevers than medicine at once sud-orific and soap-orific.”

LAUGHABLE MISPRINT.

In the newspaper account of an inquest held on the body of a glutton, who died by devouring part of a goose, the verdict suffocation was misprinted stuffocation.

SHERIDAN AND LORD THURLOW.

Sheridan was dining with the black-browed Chancellor, when he produced some admirable Constantia, which had been sent him from the Cape of Good Hope. The wine tickled the palate of Sheridan, who saw the bottle emptied with uncommon regret, and set his wits to work to get another. The old chancellor was not to be so easily induced to produce his curious Cape in such profusion, and foiled all Sheridan’s attempts to get another glass. Sheridan being piqued, and seeing the inutility of persecuting the immoveable pillar of the law, turned towards a gentleman sitting farther down, and said, “Sir, pass me up that decanter, for I must return to Madeira since I cannot double the Cape.”

RIVAL SHOEMAKERS.

Two rival shoemakers, who lived directly opposite to each other, in one of the streets near the west end of London, and whose opposition was not in situation alone, but in every matter connected with business, carried on for a long time a war of advertisements and placards, till at last, one of them, to signify the purity of his style of doing business, got his doorway adorned with the classic sentence, “Mens conscia recti.” This the other conceived to be an advertisement of something in the line of business; and, as he was a lady’s shoemaker also, he got his door ornamented with the following improved reading of the apothegm,—“Men’s and Women’s conscia recti.”

EDINBURGH CASTLE.

As a person was shewing Dr. Johnson the castle of Edinburgh, he mentioned to him a tradition that some part of it had been standing 300 years before Christ. “Much faith,” replied the doctor in his usual manner, “is due to tradition; and that part of the fortress which was standing at so early a period, must undoubtly have been the rock upon which it was founded!”

TALL TOPHAM.

A Mr. Topham, who was many inches above the usual stature of men, used to tell an amusing story of himself. Going once to inquire for a person, he looked in at the window over the door, and asked an old woman who sat by the fire if her husband was at home. “No, sir,” said she; “but if you will please to alight and come in, I will go and call him.”

LENT NOT GIVEN.

A gentleman happening to have high words with a butcher in St. James’s market, was at last so provoked, that he raised his cane, and threatened to give him a good dressing. “No Master,” said his antagonist, “it shall only be lent, and I will take care it shall be repaid with interest.”

NOVEL PHRASE IN A PETITION.

There was little piety in the army in the reign of the second George. It is told of an officer, who was desirous of presenting a petition to that monarch, and who requested a friend’s assistance in drawing it up, that, finding it concluded as usual, “And your petitioner shall ever pray,” he exclaimed, “Pray! I never prayed in my life, and shall not begin now: why should I tell a lie to his majesty?” So he substituted, “And your petitioner shall ever fight.” The king laughed heartily at this eccentricity, and granted the officer his request.

TAKING A PLACE.

In a country playhouse, after the play was over, and most wretchedly performed, an actor came upon the stage to give out the next play. “Pray,” says a gentleman, “what is the name of the piece you have played to-night.” “The Stage-coach, sir.” “Then let me know when you perform it again, that I may be an outside passenger.”

ANSER CAPITOLINUS.

“Boy, what have you got before you there?” cried a pursy old doctor of divinity, who sat at the head of a table in one of the colleges of Oxford, to a young man a good way down. “Anser Capitolinus,” cried the boy in reply. “A capital answer,” roared the doctor; “send me a wing.”

LORD BATEMAN.

In 1781, Lord Bateman waited upon the king, and with a very low bow, begged to know “at what hour his majesty would please to have the stag hounds turned out.” “I cannot exactly answer that,” replied the king, “but I can inform you, that your lordship was turned out about two hours ago.” The Marquis Caermarthen succeeded him.

WAY TO TURNHAM GREEN.

Oliver Goldsmith being at supper one night with a lady, who was making an apology for the brownness of her pickles, very gravely desired her to send them to Hammersmith. “To Hammersmith, doctor!” says the lady; “why, is there any thing particular in that place?” “O yes, madam,” says he, “that is the way to Turn’em Green.”

A JIBE AT THE SCOTCH.

In a company where Johnson and Foote were together, the emigration of the Scotch to London became the subject of conversation: Foote insisted that the emigrants were as numerous in the former, as in the present reign; the doctor the contrary: this dispute continued with a friendly warmth for some time, when Johnson called out, “You are certainly wrong, Sam; but I see how you are deceived; you cannot distinguish them now as formerly, for the fellows all come breeched to the capital of late years.”

POLITICAL BON-MOT.

Some one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley that in his arrangements of the ministry, “His brother the Duke had thrown him overboard.” “Yes,” said the Marquis, “but I trust I have strength enough left to swim to the other side.”

FROG MORGAN.

Frog Morgan, a barrister of very diminutive size, before he was much known at the bar, had commenced an argument, when Lord Mansfield, not aware of his stature, called upon him repeatedly to get up, conceiving that he was not addressing the court standing. “My lord, I am up,” screamed out the little man; “and I have been up these ten minutes.”

SERGEANT PRINCE.

Sergeant Prince, a contemporary of Murphy, the translator of Tacitus, has described that gentleman as the most lengthy and soporific speaker of his time. Bar, Bench, jurors, attorneys—nay, even the javelin-men, nodded under their somnolescent influence. A counsel getting up to reply to him, began, “Gentlemen, the long speech of the learned sergeant——” “I beg your pardon, sir,” interrupted Mr. Justice Nares, “you might say the long soliloquy of the learned sergeant, for my brother Prince has been talking an hour to himself.”

UNATTACKABLE.

An officer was defending himself before Sir Sydney Smith for not having attacked a certain post, because he had considered it unattackable. “Sir,” said the gallant chief, “that word is not in English.”

BIBLICAL COMMENT.

At the commencement of the French revolutionary war, an honest farmer, who read his Bible every Sunday, went to his rector, and asked him whether he did not think that the contest would go very hard with the French? The rector replied, that, if pleased God, he hoped it would. “Nay,” said the farmer, “I am sure it will then; for it is said by the prophet Ezekiel, chap. xxxv. verse 1, ‘Son of man, set thy face against Mount Sier;’ now, my wife, who is a better scholar than I am, says this can be nothing but Mounseer, the Frenchman; and in almost the next verse it is still stronger, for there the prophet adds, ‘O, Mount Sier, I am against thee and I will make thee most desolate.’”

DANGER OF DOING HOMAGE.

Mr. Carbonel, the wine-merchant, who served George the Third, was a great favourite with the good old king, and was admitted to the honours of the Royal Hunt. Returning from the chase one day, his majesty entered, in his usual affable manner, into conversation with him, riding side by side with him, for some distance. Lord Walsingham was in attendance, and watching an opportunity, whispered to Mr. Carbonel, that he had not once taken off his hat before his majesty. “What’s that, what’s that, Walsingham!” inquired the good-humoured monarch. Mr. Carbonel at once said, “I find I have been guilty of unintentional disrespect to your majesty, in not taking off my hat; but your majesty will please to observe that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened to my wig, and my wig to my head, and I am on the back of a high-spirited horse; so that if anything goes off, we must all go off together.” The king laughed heartily at this whimsical apology.

SHERIDAN’S GREEK.

Lord Belgrave having clenched a speech in the House of Commons with a long Greek quotation, Sheridan, in reply, admitted the force of the quotation so far as it went; “But,” said he, “had the noble lord proceeded a little farther, and completed the passage, he would have seen that it applied the other way.” Sheridan then spouted something, ore rotundo, which had all the ais, ois, kous, and koes, that gave the world assurance of a Greek quotation; upon which Lord Belgrave very promptly and handsomely complimented the honourable member on his readiness of recollection, and frankly admitted that the continuation of the passage had the tendency ascribed to it by Mr. Sheridan, and that he had overlooked it at the moment when he gave his quotation. On the breaking up of the House, Fox, who piqued himself on having some Greek, went up to Sheridan, and asked him, “Sheridan, how came you to be so ready with that passage? It certainly is as you say, but I was not aware of it before you quoted it.” It is almost unnecessary to observe that there was no Greek at all in Sheridan’s impromptu.

SHERIDAN AND CUMBERLAND.

When the “School for Scandal” came out, Cumberland’s children prevailed upon their father to take them to see it: they had the stage-box; their father was seated behind them; and, as the story was told by a gentleman, a friend of Sheridan’s, who was close by, every time the children laughed at what was going on on the stage, he pinched them, and said, “What are you laughing at, my dear little folks? you should not laugh, my angels; there is nothing to laugh at;” and then, in an under tone, “Keep still, you little dunces.” Sheridan having been told of this long afterwards, said, “It was very ungrateful in Cumberland to have been displeased with his poor children for laughing at my comedy; for I went the other night to see his tragedy, and laughed at it from beginning to end.”

WHIMSICAL PUN.

When the Marquis of Tullibardin was at Cambridge, he was made the subject of a pun, by the young waggish Cantabs, in the following manner: they took their opportunity and locked the young nobleman up in his apartments, and then calling to their fellows with much clamour, shouted, “See Cicero in prison!” The Marquis was then expostulating through the open window, and begging to be released. “Cicero in prison!” said the puzzled Cantabs, not comprehending the joke. “Yes,” said the joker, “it is Tully-barr’d-in.”

ANECDOTE OF PARSON PATEN.

Parson Paten was so much averse to the Athanasian Creed that he would never read it. Archbishop Secker having been informed of his recusancy, sent the archdeacon to ask him his reason:—“I do not believe it,” said the priest. “But your metropolitan does,” replied the archdeacon. “It may be so,” rejoined Mr. Paten, “and he can well afford it; he believes at the rate of seven thousand a year, and I only at that of fifty pounds.”

SCRIPTURE AUTHORITY.

A quaker married a woman of the Church of England. After the ceremony, the vicar asked for his fees, which he said were a crown. The quaker, astonished at the demand, said, if he would show him any text in the Scripture which proved his fees were a crown, he would give it unto him: upon which the vicar directly turned to the twelfth chapter of Proverbs, verse 4th, where it is said, “A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband.” “Thou art right,” replied the quaker, “in thy assertion; Solomon was a wise man; here are the five twelvepenny pieces, and something beside to buy thee a pair of gloves.”

MEANING OF THE VERB “TO DOCTOR.”

A physician being out a-shooting one whole morning without killing any thing, his servant begged leave to go over into the next field, for he was sure there was some birds there; “and,” adds the man, “if there are, I’ll doctor them.” “Doctor them,” says the master, “what do you mean by that?” “Why, kill them, sir.”

CHARLES II. AND DR. BUSBY.

King Charles II., on a certain time, paying a visit to Dr. Busby, the doctor strutted through his school with his hat on his head, while his majesty walked complacently behind him, with his own hat under his arm; but when he was taking his leave at the door, the doctor, with great humility, thus addressed the king: “I hope your majesty will excuse my want of respect hitherto; but if my boys were to imagine there was a greater man in the kingdom than myself, I should never be able to rule them.”

MOUNTAIN ANECDOTE.

A party had once climbed a considerable way up the usual track on the side of the Skiddaw, when a gentleman (a stranger to the rest of the company) who had given frequent broad hints of his being a man of superior knowledge, said to the guide, “Pray, what is the highest part of this mountain?” “The top, sir,” replied the guide.

LONG BIT.

“Your horse has a tremendous long bit,” said a friend to Theodore Hook. “Yes,” said he, “it is a bit too long.”

SADDLEWISE.

“Shall I cut this loin of mutton saddlewise?” said a gentleman carving. “No,” said his friend, cut it bridlewise, for then we may all chance to get a bit in our mouths.

A BLACK JOKE.

A negro passing along Fleet Street, was astonished at hearing a voice call out, “How d’ye do, Massa Mungo; How d’ye do, Snowball?” and, on looking up, observed it proceeded from a parrot in a splendid gilt cage. “Aha, Massa parrot,” said Blackee, “you great man here, you live in gold house now; but me know your fader very well, he live in bush.”

AN ILLEGAL SOLICITOR.

An attorney being much molested by a fellow importuning him to bestow something, threatened to have him taken up as a common beggar. “A beggar!” exclaimed the man, “I would have you know I am of the same profession as yourself; are we not both solicitors?” “That may be, friend; yet there is this difference—you are not a legal one, which I am.”

NO STRANGER OF ME.

A parson who had a scolding wife, one day brought home a brother clergyman for dinner. Having gone into a separate apartment to talk to his spouse about the repast, she attacked and abused him for bringing a parcel of idle fellows to eat up their income. The parson, provoked at her behaviour, said, in a pretty loud tone, “If it were not for the stranger, I would give you a good drubbing.” “Oh!” cried the visitor, “I beg you will make no stranger of me.”

NIMROD AND RAMROD.

A gentleman, who thought his sons consumed too much time in hunting and shooting, gave them the appellation of Nimrod and Ramrod.

THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS.

When the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day, the doctor coming to see his patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription. “No, truly, doctor,” said Nash; “if I had, I should have broken my neck, for I threw it out of a two-pair of stairs window.”

LUDICROUS THREAT.

A very young officer, striking an old grenadier of his company for some supposed fault in performing his evolutions, was unable to reach any higher than his legs. The grenadier, upon this infantine assault, gravely took off his cap, and holding it over the officer by the tip, said, “Sir, if you were not my officer, I would extinguish you.”

SMALL CAPITAL.

Tom Brown having once asked a man how he contrived to live in these hard times? was answered, “Why” Master Brown, “I live, as I believe you do, by my wits.” “Truly,” replied Tom, “you must be a much more able trader than I ever thought you, to carry on business, and live upon so small a capital.”

GOODNESS OF GEORGE I.

The king leaning carelessly out of a window, with the skirts of his coat gaping behind, a stout scullion perceiving the favourable situation, and mistaking his sacred majesty for one of the cooks, advanced on tiptoe, and, with a well extended arm, discharged a heavy blow on the royal buttocks. “Zounds!” cried the king, “what the devil’s the matter now?” The poor woman, thinking herself undone, fell upon her knees, and excused herself by protesting she had mistaken his majesty for Bertrand. “Well,” replied the king, rubbing briskly the aching part, “if it had been Bertrand, where was the necessity of striking so hard?”

PRESSING REASON.

A spunger was reproached one day for dining so often among his friends. “What would you have me to do?” answered he; “I am pressed to do it.” “True,” answered Monk Lewis, “there is nothing more pressing than hunger.”

ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.

Buck, the player at York, was asked how he came to turn his coat twice: he replied, smartly, that “one good turn deserved another.”

EFFECTIVE SERMON.

Dean Swift once preached a charity sermon at St. Patrick’s Church, Dublin, the length of which disgusted many of his auditors; which coming to his knowledge, and it falling to his lot soon after to preach another sermon of the like kind, in the same place, he took special care to avoid falling into the former error. His text was, “He that hath pity upon the poor, lendeth unto the Lord, and that which he hath given, will He pay him again.” The dean, after repeating his text in a more than commonly emphatical tone, added, “Now my beloved brethren, you hear the terms of this loan: if you like the security, down with your dust.” It is worthy of remark, that the quaintness and brevity of this sermon produced a very large contribution.

PURGATORY.

The Count de Villa Medinna, being at church one day, and finding there a Religious who begged for the souls in purgatory, he gave him a piece of gold. “Ah! my lord,” said the good father, “you have now delivered a soul.” The count threw upon the plate another piece: “Here is another soul delivered,” said the Religious. “Are you positive of it?” replied the count. “Yes, my lord,” replied the monk, “I am certain they are now in heaven.” “Then,” said the count, “I’ll take back my money, for it signifies nothing to you now, seeing the souls are already got to heaven; there can be no danger of their returning again to purgatory.” And he immediately gave the pieces to the poor that were standing by.

ANECDOTE OF SHERIDAN.

In the midst of his distresses, Sheridan had one day invited a party of friends to dine with him, amongst whom were a few noblemen of the Opposition party; but, upon examining his cellar, a terrible deficiency was found. He was largely in debt to Chalier, the great wine-merchant, and for two years had been unable to obtain from him any further credit. He put his imagination to work and tried the following expedient. He sent for Chalier on the day of the dinner in question, and told him that luckily he was just in cash, and wished to settle his account. Chalier was much pleased; but told him, as he had not the account with him, he would return home and bring it. He was about to leave the room, when, as if upon sudden recollection, Sheridan said, “Oh, Chalier, by-the-by, you must stop and dine with me to-day; I have a party to whom I will introduce you—some leading members of both Houses.” Chalier, who was fond of good company, and also hoped to meet with a recommendation, was obliged to Sheridan for the offer, and promised to be with him at the hour appointed. Upon his return home, he informed the clerk of his cellars that he was going to dine with Mr. Sheridan, and probably should not be home till it was late. Sheridan had fixed the hour of six to Chalier, but desired him to come before that time, as he had much to say to him in private. At about five o’clock, Chalier came to his appointment, and he was no sooner in the house, than Sheridan sent off a servant, with a note to the clerk, desiring him, as Mr. Chalier was favouring him with his company, to send, as soon as possible, three dozen of Burgundy, two dozen of claret, and two dozen of port, with a dozen of old hock. The clerk, knowing his master was at Sheridan’s, and thinking that the order came with his concurrence, immediately obeyed it. After dinner, every body praised the fine qualities of Sheridan’s wines, and all were desirous of knowing who was his wine-merchant. Sheridan, turning towards Chalier, said, “I am indebted to my friend here for all you have tasted, and am proud to recommend him.”

MATCHES.

It was told Lord Chesterfield, that Mrs. M——, a termagant and scold, was married to a gamester; on which his lordship said, “that cards and brimestone made the best matches.”

LITTLE MONEY.

Mr. Money, a little dapper man, was dancing at the York Assembly with a tall lady of the name of Bond; on which Sterne said, “There was a great bond for a little money.”

FRIENDS AT COURT.

A gentleman, begging Villiers, the witty Duke of Buckingham, to employ his interest for him at court, added, that he had nobody to depend on but God and his grace. “Then,” said the duke, “your condition is desperate: you could not have named any two beings who have less interest at court.”

CONFESSION.

Some time after a late nobleman had abjured the Roman Catholic religion, he was sent ambassador to France, where he resided several years. Being one day at an entertainment, a noble duke, his near relation, rallying him on the score of religion, asked his lordship whether the ministers of state, or the ministers of the gospel, had the greatest share in his conversion. “Good God, my lord duke!” replied the witty peer, “how can you ask me such a question? Do you not know that when I quitted the Roman Catholic religion I left off confession?”

WIT OF A RESURRECTIONIST.

A large party of soldiers surprising two resurrection men in a churchyard, the officer, seizing one of them, asked him what he had to say for himself:—“Say, sir!” replied the surgeon’s provider, “why, that we came here to raise a corpse, and not a regiment.”

BREAKING UP OF A NURSERY.

The organ of early destructiveness sometimes exhibits itself in a droll way. The mother of a family was one day saying, that as soon as the youngest child was of such an age, she should break up the nursery. “La, mamma!” said one of the children, “that will be fine sport—I’ll break up the chairs, and John shall break up the tables.”

BOW STREET BON-MOT.

A lady went into the Police Office, Bow Street, and inquired the price of some fur and silk articles. Townsend quizzingly replied, “Oh, ma’am, we’re all fair and above board—we’ve no cloaks here.” To which the lady rejoined, “Sir, I beg pardon; I really thought that this was the celebrated pelisse office.”

A YORKSHIRE EATING MATCH.

There was a famous eating match at a village in Yorkshire, between two men, named Gubbins and Muggins, which caused a great deal of interest in the neighbourhood; and a countryman, leaving the place before the match was decided, was stopped by almost every one on the road with “Who beats? how does the match get on?” &c.: to which he answered, “Why, I doant exactly know—they say Gubbins’ll get it; but I thinks Muggins’ll bet ’un yet, for when I leaft he was oanly two geese and a torkey behind him!”

ALL GONE OUT.

A gentleman having appointed to meet his friend on particular business, went to his house and knocked at the door, which was opened by a servant girl. He informed her he wanted her master. “He is gone out, sir,” said she. “Then your mistress will do,” said the gentleman. “She,” said the girl, “is gone out too.” “My business is of consequence,” returned he; “is your master’s son at home?” “No, sir,” replied the girl, “he is gone out.” “That’s unlucky indeed,” replied he; “but perhaps it may not be long before they return; I will step in and sit by your fire.” “Oh, sir,” said the girl, “the fire is gone out too.” Upon which the gentleman bade her inform her master, that he did not expect to be received so coolly.

MUSICAL TASTE.

A gentleman being asked his opinion of the singing of a lady who had not the purest breath, said, “That the words of the song were delightful, but he did not much admire the air.”

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHIGS AND TORIES.

“Pray, Monsieur l’Ambassadeur,” said the late King of France one day at his levee, “what do you take to be the difference between a Whig and a Tory?” “Please your majesty,” was the reply, “I conceive the difference to be merely nominal; the Tories are Whigs when they want places, and the Whigs are Tories when they have got them.”

THE PRETENDER’S HEALTH.

There was not much wit, but there was some good humour in the reply George II. made to a lady, who, at the first masquerade his majesty was at in England, invited him to drink a glass of wine at one of the beaufetes. With this he readily complied, and the lady filling a bumper, said, “Here, mask, the Pretender’s health;” then filling another glass, presented it to the king, who, receiving it with a smile, replied, “I drink with all my heart to the health of all unfortunate princes.”

NO PAY NO PRAY.

When Jonas Hanway once advertised for a coachman he had a great number of applicants. One of them he approved of, and told him, if his character answered, he would take him on the terms which they had agreed upon; “But,” said he, “my good fellow, as I am rather a particular man, it may be proper to inform you, that every evening, after the business in the stable is done, I shall expect you to come to my house for a quarter of an hour to attend family prayer; to this, I suppose, you can have no objection?” “Why, as to that, sir,” replied the fellow, “I does not see much to say against it, but I hope you’ll consider it in my wages.”

A COBBLER’S END.

A great crowd being gathered about a poor cobbler, who had just died in the street, a man asked Alexander Stevens “What was to be seen?” “Oh!” replied he, “only a cobbler’s end.”

MORE THAN I CAN SWALLOW.

An illustrious person told Mr. D——, of C——, that he had drunk two bottles of champagne and six of port. “That,” said Mr. D——, “is more than I can swallow;” and if the wit was relished, it was never forgiven.

GIVING UP THE GHOST.

A player performing the Ghost in Hamlet very badly, was hissed; after bearing it a good while, he put the audience in good humour by stepping forward and saying, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am extremely sorry that my humble endeavours to please are unsuccessful; but if you are not satisfied, I must give up the Ghost.”

A DEAR WIFE, INDEED.

A gentleman just married telling Foote he had that morning laid out three thousand pounds in jewels for his dear wife. “She is truly your dear wife,” replied the wit.

NO VOICE IN THE CITY.

A gentleman passing the evening among some friends in the city, was requested, in his turn, to favour the company with a song; he politely declined it, alleging that he was so indifferent a performer, that any attempt of his would rather disgust than entertain. One of the company, however, asserted that he had a very good voice, and said, he had frequently had the pleasure of hearing him sing. “That may be,” resumed the other, “but as I am not a freeman, I have no voice in the city.”

SUCH SPARKS AS YOU.

As Lady B—— L—— was presiding one evening at the tea-table, one of her ruffles caught the flame of the tea-lamp, and was burned before it could be extinguished. Lord M——, who was of the party, and thought to be witty on the accident, remarked, “He did not think her ladyship so apt to take fire.” “Nor am I, my lord,” replied she with great readiness, “from such sparks as you.”

LORD TOWNSEND.

At the battle of Dettingen, as Lord Townsend, then a young man, was marching down pretty close to the enemy, he was observed to be so very thoughtful (as is usual with most officers on their first battle) as to take no notice of a drummer’s head that was shot off just before him, though he received some of the brains on his coat. A veteran officer observing this, went up to him, and endeavoured to rouse him, by telling him the best way in these cases was not to think at all. “Oh! dear sir,” says the other, with great presence mind, “you entirely mistake my reverie; I have been only thinking what the devil could bring this little drummer here, who seemed to possess such a quantity of brains.”

ACTOR OF ONE PART.

A little after Lord Chatham (then Mr. Pitt) had changed his political sentiments in regard to the protection of Hanover, in the course of replying one day in the house of Commons to Sir Francis Blake Delaval, he threw out some sarcastical reflections on him for appearing on the stage; upon which the other got up and acknowledged it was true; youth and whim led him once to amuse himself that way; but he could safely lay his hand on his heart and say, “He never acted but one part.”

SHERIDAN AND THE PLAY-WRITER.

During Sheridan’s management of Drury Lane, an author[E] had produced a play which he offered to Covent Carden, saying, that it would make Drury Lane a splendid desert. His play failed; but, soon after, he prevailed on a friend to present a new one to Sheridan. “No! No!” exclaimed the latter, “I can’t agree to connive at putting his former threat into effect.”

THE ESQUIMAUX WOMAN.

Major Cartwright used to relate many curious particulars of this woman; among others, that on being shewn the interior of St. Paul’s, she was so struck with astonishment and awe, that her knees shook under her, and she leaned for support on the person who stood next to her. After a pause of some moments, she exclaimed, in a low and tremulous voice, “Did man make it, or was it found here?”

A SIMPLE MACHINE OUT OF ORDER.

A gentleman, remarkable for having a great deal of lead in his forehead, called one morning on a counsellor, who had asked what news? “Why,” says the other, “I do not know; my head is confoundedly out of order this morning.” “That is extraordinary news, indeed,” says the counsellor. “What! an extraordinary thing for a man to have the headache!” ”No, sir,” says he, “I do not say that; but for so simple a machine to be out of order is extraordinary indeed!”

JOHNSON AND THE CARCASS BUTCHER.

An eminent carcass butcher, equally as meagre in his person as he was in his understanding, being one day in a bookseller’s shop where Doctor Johnson was, took up a volume of poems, and, by way of shewing his taste, repeated with great affectation the following line:—

“Who rules o’er freemen, should himself be free.” “There is poetry for you, doctor, what do you think of that?” “Rank nonsense, sir,” says the other; “it is an assertion without a proof; and you might, with as much propriety, say,—

‘Who slays fat oxen, should himself be fat.’”

QUID RIDES?

A tobacconist having set up his chariot, in order to anticipate the jokes that might be passed on the occasion, displayed on it the Latin motto of “Quid rides?” Two sailors, who had frequented his shop, seeing him pass by in his carriage, the one asked the meaning of the inscription, when his companion said it was plain enough, repeating it as two English words, Quid rides.

TOASTING CLOTH.

A child having got a flannel cloth to dry, while his mother was busied otherwise, held it so close to the fire that it soon began to change colour. “Mamma,” he cried, “is it enough when it looks brown?”

ETYMOLOGISTS.

Dr. Parr being asked who was his immediate predecessor in the mastership of the free school at Norwich, replied, “It was Barnabas Leman, an honest man, but without learning, and very tyrannical in his discipline. This man had the impudence to publish, by a half-guinea subscription, what he called an ‘English Derivative Dictionary,’ in quarto. He pretended to find a derivation for every word in Saxon, German, Dutch, Latin, Greek, and Hebrew. No matter what the word was, whether culinary or vernacular, he undertook to find its etymology. Coming to ‘pig’s pettytoes’ (a Norfolk way of dressing the feet of sucking pigs), he was a little puzzled, but it did not stop him; so he wrote, as it now stands in the book, ‘Pig’s petty-toes—a dish of which the author of this Dictionary is very fond.’”

There lately resided in an Ayrshire village, a man who, like Leman, proposed to write an Etymological Dictionary of the English language. Being asked what he understood the word pathology to mean, he answered, with great readiness and confidence, “Why, the art of road-making, to be sure.”

MR. ABERNETHY.

A lady, very much afflicted with nervous complaints, went to consult the celebrated surgeon, Mr. Abernethy. The rough and caustic manner in which he catechised her, so discomposed the fair one’s weak spirits, that she was thrown into a fit of hysterics. On parting, she put the usual fee into his hand, in the form of a one pound note and a shilling. Mr. Abernethy pocketed the note with one hand, and with the other presented the shilling to her, saying, gravely, “Here, madam, take the shilling; go to the next toy-shop, buy a skipping-rope, and use it every day; it will do you more good than all my prescriptions!”

INESTIMABLE VALUE OF A TAIL.

A monkey-faced fellow offered himself to Garrick as an actor. “It will not do,” says Garrick; “but if you had a tail, no money should part us.”

TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT.

One meeting an acquaintance, who was a printer by profession, inquired of him, “If it was true Mr.—— had put a period to his existence?” “No, no,” replied the typographer, “he had only put a colon, for he is now in a fair way of recovery.”

STOCK-JOBBERS.

A carpenter in Dorsetshire was employed to make a pair of stocks for the parish, for which he charged a good round sum. One of the parochial officers said, “You have made a good deal by that job.” “Yes,” said Master Chip, “we stock-jobbers always attend to our own interest.”

COURAGE.

A man, in the habit of travelling, complaining to his friend that he had often been robbed, and was afraid of stirring abroad, was advised to carry pistols with him on his journey. “Oh! that would be worse,” replied the hero, “the thieves would rob me of them also.”

GAME.

Lee Lewis, shooting on a field, the proprietor attacked him violently: “I allow no person,” said he, “to kill game on my manor but myself, and I’ll shoot you, if you come here again.” “What,” said the other, “I suppose you mean to make game of me.”

SHORT DAYS AND LONG NIGHTS.

Bonnel Thornton, like most wits, was a lover of conviviality; which frequently led him to spend the whole night in company, and all the next morning in bed. On one of these occasions, an old female relation having waited on him before he had arisen, began to read him a familiar lecture on prudence, which she concluded by saying, “Ah! Bonnel, Bonnel! I see plainly that you’ll shorten your days.” “Very true, madam,” replied he, “but, by the same rule, you must admit that I shall lengthen my nights.”

DR. PARR.

Dr. Parr was not very delicate in the choice of his expressions, when heated by argument or contradiction. He once called a clergyman a fool, who, indeed, was little better. The clergyman said he would complain of this usage to the bishop. “Do,” said the doctor, “and my Lord Bishop will confirm you.”

A FAULT IN CANDLES.

Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would be better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear them complained of, as they were as good as he could make. “Why,” says Ralph, “they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that they would not burn any longer.”

BEST BODY OF DIVINITY.

Parker, Bishop of Oxford, being asked by an acquaintance what was the best body of divinity, answered, “That which can help a man to keep a coach and six horses.”

RECEIVER AS BAD AS THE THIEF.

The motto which was inserted under the arms of William Prince of Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was, “Non rapui sed recepi.”

“I did not steal, but I received.”

This being shewn to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic smile, “The receiver’s as bad as the thief.”

JUSTICE.

A French nobleman, who had been satirized by Voltaire, meeting the poet soon after, gave him a hearty drubbing. The poet immediately flew to the Duke of Orleans, told him how he had been used, and begged he would do him justice. “Sir,” replied the duke, with a significant smile, “it has been done you already!”

A NEW CHARACTER.

A late Duke of Norfolk was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade night he asked Foote what new character he should go in. “Go sober!” said Foote.

THE TRAGIC BARBER.

A hair-dresser, in a considerable town, made an unsuccessful attempt in tragedy. To silence an abundant hissing he stepped forward and delivered the following speech: “Ladies and gentlemen: yesterday I dressed you; to-night I ADdress you; and to-morrow, if you please, I will REdress you. While there is virtue in powder, pomatum, and horse-tails, I find it easier to make an actor than to be one. Vive la bagatelle! I hope I shall yet shine in the part of a beau, though I have not the felicity of pleasing you in the character of an emperor.”

JOHN TAYLOR.

This author had the merit of interrupting the servile etiquette of kneeling to the king. “I myself,” says the water poet, “gave a book to King James once, in the great chamber at Whitehall, as his majesty came from the chapel. The Duke of Richmond said merrily to me:—‘Taylor, where did you learn the manners to give the king a book and not kneel?’ ‘My lord,’ said I, ‘if it please your grace, I do give now; but when I beg anything, then I will kneel.’”

SAILOR’S OPINION OF PRAYING.

Two boys, belonging to the chaplains of two different men-of-war, entertaining each other with an account of their respective manners of living, “How often, Jack,” says one of them, “do you go to prayers?” “We only pray,” replied Jack, “when we are afraid of a storm, or are going to fight.” “Ay,” says the former, “there’s some sense in that; but my master makes us go to prayers when there’s no more occasion for it than for me to jump into the sea.”

A TRIFLER.

“I will forfeit my head if you are not wrong,” exclaimed a dull and warm orator, to the president Montesquieu, in an argument. “I accept it,” replied the philosopher: “any trifle among friends has a value.”

MILITARY ZEAL.

One of the king’s soldiers, in the Civil War, being full of zeal and liquor, staggered against a church; and, clapping the wall of it repeatedly with his hand, hiccupped out,—“D—n you, you old b—h, I’ll stand by you to the last!”

SAVING ONE’S BACON.

A boy, who had not returned after the holidays to Winchester school, which the master charged him to do, came back at last loaded with a fine ham, as a bribe to the master, who took the ham, but flogged the lad, and told him, “You may give my compliments to your mother for the ham, but I assure you it shall not save your bacon.”

BUILDING CASTLES IN THE AIR.

During the Civil War, some persons of the royal party having mixed with the republicans in company, were talking of their future hopes. “’Tis all building castles in the air,” observed a surly republican. “Where can we build them else?” replied a cavalier; “you have robbed us of every inch of land.”

SOCIABLE AND SULKY.

A coachmaker remarking the fashionable stages or carriages, said, “That a sociable was all the ton during the honey-moon, and a sulky after.”

STOREY RAISED.

Mr. Congreve going up the water in a boat, one of the watermen told him, as they passed by Peterborough House, at Millbank, “that the house had sunk a storey.” “No, friend,” said he; “I rather believe it is a storey raised.”

GRENADIER TOO DEEP.

During a retreat in the unfortunate Dutch campaign, when the army was flouncing through the mud, in a part of the road uncommonly bad, a company of the guards was much scattered: the commanding officer called out to the men to form two deep. “D—me!” shouts a grenadier, from between two mountains of mud; “I am too deep already.”

POLITENESS.

An officer in battle happening to bow, a cannon-ball passed over his head, and took off the head of a soldier who stood behind him. “You see,” said he, “that a man never loses by politeness.”

WESTMINSTER ELECTION.

During the poll for the Westminster election between Mr. Fox, Lord Hood, and Sir Cecil Wray, a dead cat was thrown on the hustings; one of the adherents of the latter observed it stunk worse than a fox. “No wonder,” said Mr. Fox, “considering it is a Poll cat.”

FOOTE.

When Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the Castle; and when Partridge produced the bill, which was rather exorbitant, Foote asked him his name. “Partridge, an’t please you,” said he. “Partridge!” returned Foote; “it should be Woodcock, by the length of your bill.”

FUNERAL SERVICE.

A ludicrous mistake happened at a funeral in Mary-le-bone. The clergyman had got on with the service, until he came to that part which says, “Our deceased brother, or sister,” without knowing whether the deceased was male or female. He turned to one of the mourners, and asked, whether it was a brother or sister? The man very innocently replied, “No relation at all, sir; only an acquaintance.”

PAINTER, POTS, AND ALL.

A painter was employed in painting a West India ship in the river, suspended on a stage under the ship’s stern. The captain, who had just got into the boat alongside, for the purpose of going ashore, ordered the boy to let go the painter (the rope which makes fast the boat). The boy instantly went aft, and let go the rope by which the painter’s stage was held. The captain, surprised at the boy’s delay, cried out, “D—n your eyes, you lazy dog, why don’t you let go the painter?” The boy replied, “He’s gone, sir, pots and all.”

JUDGE BURNET.

Judge Burnet, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by his father in a very serious humour, “What is the matter with you, Tom,” said the Bishop; “what are you ruminating on?” “A greater work than your lordship’s History of the Reformation,” answered the son. “Ay! what is that?” asked the father. “The reformation of myself, my lord,” replied the son.

UNIVERSITY PUN.

Dr. E——, recovered from some consumptive disorders, by the use of egg diet, soon after married. W——, the master of University College, Oxford, went to Dr. L——, then sick in bed, and resolved to discharge a pun which he had made. “Well, sir,” said he, “Dr. E—— has been egged on to matrimony.” “Has he so?” said L——; “why, then, I hope the yoke will sit easy.”

DROPPING A FEE.

A physician attending a lady several times, had received a couple of guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but one; at which he was surprised; and, looking on the floor, as if in search of something, she asked him what he looked for. “I believe, madam,” said he, “I have dropt a guinea.” “No, sir,” replied the lady; “it is I that have dropt it.”

SAILOR AND STAGE COACH.

An honest tar wishing to be coached up to town from Deptford, thought it a very unbecoming thing in him, who had just been paid off, and had plenty of money, not to have a whole coach to himself; so he took all the places, and seated himself upon the top. The coach was about to set off, when a gentleman appeared, who was holding an altercation with the coachman about the absurdity of his insisting that the seats were all taken and not a person in the coach. Jack, overhearing high words, thought, as he had paid full freight, he had a right to interfere, and inquired what was the matter? when, being told that the gentleman was much disappointed at not getting a seat, he replied, “You lubber, stow him away in the hold; but I’ll be d——d if he come upon deck.”

WIT INCURABLE.

A facetious character, whose talents for humour in private companies were the cause of his being always a guest in convivial societies, had, by late hours and attachment to the bottle, brought himself into a dropsy: insomuch, that the faculty, one and all, agreed nothing could save him but tapping. After much persuasion, he consented to the operation, and his surgeon and assistants arrived with the necessary apparatus. Bob was got out of bed, and the operator was on the point of introducing the trocar into the abdomen, when, as if suddenly recollecting himself, he bid the doctor stop. “What! are you afraid?” cried the surgeon. “No,” says the other; “but, upon recollection, it will not be proper to be tapped here; for nothing that has been tapped in this house ever lasted long.”

BLACK GUARDS.

A punster, on hearing that the clergy were about to embody themselves for the defence of their country, after making some observations on their sable attire, and how ill the sword would become it, exclaimed, “Oh! England, unhappy England! to what a condition are we reduced, when we are to be indebted for the defence of our rights and interests to a band of black guards!”

THAT’S MY THUNDER.

Dennis, the critic, was the author of a tragedy acted at Drury Lane, in 1709, called Appius and Virginia. For the advantage of his play, Mr. Dennis had invented a new kind of thunder, which the actors much approved of, and is the same made use of at the theatre to this day. Notwithstanding this aid, the tragedy failed. Some nights after, the author being in the pit at the representation of Macbeth, and hearing the thunder made use of, he arose in a rage, and exclaimed, “By G—d, that’s my thunder! See how these rascals use me; they will not let my play run, and yet they steal my thunder.”

STREET SWEEPER.

A gentleman, crossing the Strand, was applied to by a man, who sweeps the cross-ways, for charity. The gentleman replied, “I am going a little farther, and will remember you when I return.” “Please your honour,” says the man, “it is unknown the credit I give in this way.”

A STANDING JOKE.

Munden, when confined to his bed, and unable to put his feet to the ground, being told by a friend that his dignified indisposition was the laugh of the green-room, pleasantly replied, “Though I love to make others laugh, yet I wish much rather they would make me a standing joke.”

SIMPLE PRESCRIPTION.

A patient of some distinction, who was teazing Peter Pindar with his symptoms, and who had nothing scarcely to complain of, told him that he frequently had an itching, and begged to know what he should do. “Scratch yourself, sir,” replied Peter; which laconic advice lost him his patient.

TWO OF US.

“Sirrah,” said a justice to one brought before him, “you are an arrant knave.” “Am I, sir?” says the prisoner; “just as your worship spoke, the clock struck two.”

NOT HALF WAY TO THE BOTTOM.

A gentleman riding down a steep hill, and fearing the foot of it was unsound, called out to a clown who was ditching, and asked him if it was hard at the bottom. “Ay,” answered the countryman, “it is hard enough at the bottom, I warrant you.” But in half a dozen steps the horse sunk up to the saddle-girths, which made the gentleman whip, spur, and swear. “Why, thou rascal!” said he, “didst thou not tell me it was hard at the bottom?” “Ay,” replied the fellow, “but you are not half way to the bottom yet.”

SHARP REPARTEE.

A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way, one of them called to him with an insolent air, “Well, honest fellow,” said he, “’tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour.” To which the countryman replied, “’Tis very like you may, for I am sowing hemp.”

GARRICK.

Garrick and Rigby, walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a board at a house by the road-side the following strange inscription: “A goes koored hear.” “Heavenly powers!” said Rigby, “how is it possible that such people as these can cure agues?” “I do not know,” replied Garrick, “what their prescription is; but I am certain it is not by a spell.”

REASON FOR WEEPING.

A gentleman, taking an apartment, told the landlady, “I assure you, madam, I never left a lodging but my landlady shed tears.” She answered, “I hope it was not, sir, because you went away without paying.”

DRUNKEN LEGS.

Garrick was walking one day upon the Boulevards at Paris with the famous Preville, the first comic actor of the French theatre. To amuse themselves, and some of their friends, they imitated two drunken men so well, that the company scampered away to avoid them; when Garrick, in the midst of their career, in a loud whisper, said to his companion, Preville, voire pied droit n’est pas assez ivre; mettez y la moindre idée de plus; i.e., “Preville, your right foot is not drunk enough; throw the least shade more into it.”

GENERAL BOYD.

When General Boyd was Governor of Gibraltar, he wrote an order to a Mr. Brown, his agent in London, for provisions for the garrison, but forgot to insert what he wanted for his own private stores, until the letter was sealed up, and the vessel by which it was to be sent on the point of sailing, he therefore wrote on the outside, “Brown, Beef, Boyd.” His agent returned his provision, with an epistle equally laconic, written immediately under the direction, “Boyd, Beef, Brown.”

CONSTITUTIONAL COLD.

“When I have a cold in my head,” said a gentleman in company, “I am always remarkably dull and stupid.” “You are much to be pitied then, sir,” replied another, “for really it is a complaint that troubles you very often.”

HYPERBOLICAL POLITENESS.

The witty and licentious Earl of Rochester meeting with the great Isaac Barrow in the Park, told his companions that he would have some fun with the rusty old pot. Accordingly he went up with great gravity, and, taking off his hat, made the doctor a profound bow, saying, “Doctor, I am yours to my shoe tie.” The doctor, seeing his drift, immediately pulled off his beaver, and returned the bow with, “My lord, I am yours to the ground.” Rochester followed up his salutation by a deeper bow, saying, “Doctor, I am yours to the centre.” Barrow, with a very low obeisance, replied, “My lord, I am yours to the antipodes.” His lordship, nearly gravelled, exclaimed, “Doctor, I am yours to the lowest pit of hell.” “There, my lord,” said Barrow sarcastically, “I leave you,” and walked off.

PATIENCE.

A Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge, on the eve of his departure from the University, preached at St. Mary’s upon these words, Have patience with me, and I will pay you all; and, owing a great sum of money in the town, enlarged mightily on the first part of the text, Have patience, &c. “Now,” says he, “I should come to the second part, and I will pay you all; but having prest too long on your patience, I must leave that to the next opportunity; so pray have patience with me!”

NO BAD EXCHANGE.

“How are you this morning,” said Fawcett to Cooke. “Not at all myself,” says the tragedian. “Then, I congratulate you,” replied Fawcett; “for be whoever else you will, you will be a gainer by the bargain.”

EXTREME UNCTION.

As the late Earl of Chesterfield and Lord Petre were once stepping out of a carriage, a great lamp, oil and all, fell from the centre of an iron arch before the house, missing Lord Petre by about half-an-inch. “Oh, my lord,” said he, “I was near being gone!” “Why, yes,” replied the Earl coolly, “but there would certainly have been one comfort attending the accident, since you must infallibly have received extreme unction before you went.”

RICH AND THE HACKNEY COACHMAN.

As Rich, the harlequin, was one evening returning home from the playhouse in a hackney coach, he ordered the coachman to drive him to the Sun, then a famous tavern in Clare Market. Just as the coach passed one of the windows of the tavern, Rich, who perceived it to be open, dexterously threw himself out of the coach-window into the room. The coachman, who saw nothing of this transaction, drew up, descended from his box, opened the coach door, and let down the step; then, taking off his hat, he waited for some time, expecting his fare to alight; but at length, looking into the coach, and seeing it empty, he bestowed a few hearty curses on the rascal who had bilked him, remounted his box, turned about, and was driving back to the stand; when Rich, who had watched his opportunity, threw himself into the coach, looked out, asked the fellow where the devil he was driving, and desired him to turn again. The coachman, almost petrified with fear, instantly obeyed, and once more drew up to the door of the tavern. Rich now got out; and, after reproaching the fellow with stupidity, tendered him his money. “No, God bless your honour,” said the coachman, “my master has ordered me to take no money to-night.” “Pshaw!” said Rich, “your master’s a fool; here’s a shilling for yourself.” “No, no,” said the coachman, who by that time had remounted his box, “that won’t do; I know you too well, for all your shoes—and so, Mr. Devil, for once you’re outwitted!”

NEAREST ROAD TO HELL.

The Earl of Rochester once endeavoured to throw off his wit upon a young academic at Oxford, by thus accosting him:—

The other instantly retorted,—

FLYING COLOURS.

Two gentlemen were at a coffee-house, when the discourse fell upon Sir Joshua Reynold’s painting; one of them said, that “his tints were admirable, but the colours flew.” It happened, unluckily, that Sir Joshua was in the next stall, and he, taking up his hat, accosted them thus, with a low bow: “Gentlemen, I return you many thanks for bringing me off with flying colours.”

YOU RIDE, I SEE.

A gentleman entered a box at the playhouse in his boots and spurs, and said that he came to town on purpose to see Orpheus; when, unluckily, his spurs got entangled in a lady’s petticoat, she replied, “and Eu-rid-i-ce.”

PHYSICIAN AND PATIENT.

A gentleman, calling upon a friend who was attended by a physician from the west end of the town, inquired of the doctor, on one of his visits, if he did not find it inconvenient to attend his friend from such a distance? “Not at all, sir,” replied the doctor, “for, having another patient in the adjoining street, I can kill two birds with one stone.” “Can you so?” replied the sick man; “then you are two good a shot for me:” and dismissed him.

EXTEMPORE LINES BY LORD CHESTERFIELD.

Lord Chesterfield, on viewing Lady M——, a reputed Jacobite, adorned with Orange ribands at the anniversary ball at Dublin, in memory of King William, thus addressed her, extempore:—

BON MOT OF NELSON.

Lord Nelson was as decided and animated in his intercourse with his friends as with the enemies of his country. Captain Berry had served with him in the unfortunate affair of Teneriffe; and, on their return to England, accompanied him to St James’s. The King, with his accustomed suavity, lamented the gallant admiral’s wounds. “You have lost your right arm,” observed his Majesty. “But not my right hand,” replied the other, “as I have the honour of presenting Captain Berry to your Majesty.”

ANECDOTE OF QUIN.

Dining one day at a party in Bath, Quin uttered something which caused a general murmur of delight. A nobleman present, who was not illustrious for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed, “What a pity ’tis, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow like you should be a player.” Quin fixed and flashed his eye upon the person, with this reply, “What would your lordship have me be?—a Lord!”

I MYSELF AM CARLINI.

An unfortunate man, miserably afflicted with a hypochondriacal complaint, consulted M. Tronchin, the physician, “You want amusement, sir,” said Tronchin to him; “go and see Carlini:[F] he will make you laugh, and will do you more good, than any thing I can prescribe for you.” “Alas, sir,” said the patient, “I myself am Carlini.”

ALL LADIES IN TIME.

In Queen Anne’s reign, the Lord B—— married three wives, who were all his servants. A beggar woman, meeting him one day in the street, made him a very low courtesy. “Ah! God Almighty bless you,” said she, “and send you a long life! if you do but live long enough, we shall all be ladies in time.”

HONESTY TOO DEAR.

A magistrate remonstrating with a culprit of the poor class, who had been frequently before him, asked him why he did not contrive to pursue an honest course? The other, who had got some gin under his girdle, replied, “Upon my soul, please your worship, I can’t afford to be honest.”

LOVE OF COUNTRY.

George II., when riding through Brentford in dirty weather, was accustomed to say, “I do love this place, it is so like Germany.”

GRATITUDE.

A grotesque instance of the sudden power of gratitude is shewn in a modern Kentish anecdote perfectly well attested. A person of Whitestable, named Patten, was well known in his own neighbourhood as a man of great oddity, great humour, and equally great extravagance. Once standing in need of a new wig, his old one defying all farther assistance of art, he went over to Canterbury, and applied to a barber, young in the business, to make him one. The tradesman, who was just going to dinner, begged the honour of his new customer’s company at his meal, to which Patten most readily consented. After dinner, a large bowl of punch was produced, and the happy guest, with equal readiness, joined in its demolition. When it was out, the barber was proceeding to business, and began to handle his measure, when Mr. Patten desired him to desist, saying, he should not make his wig. “Why not!” exclaimed the honest host; “have I done any thing to offend you, sir?” “Not in the least,” replied the guest; “I find you are a very honest, good-natured fellow; so I will take somebody else in. Had you made it, you would never have been paid for it.”

YORKSHIRE WIT.

A Yorkshire boy went into a public-house, where a gentleman was eating eggs. The boy looked extremely hard at him for some time, and then said, “Will you be good enough to give me a little salt, sir?” “Ay, certainly boy; but why do you want salt?” “Perhaps, sir,” says he, “you’ll ask me to eat an egg presently, and I should like to be ready.” “What country are you from, my lad?” “Yorkshire, sir.” “I thought so—there, take an egg.” “I thank you, sir,” said the boy. “Well,” added the gentleman, “they are all great horse stealers in your country, are they not?” “Yes,” rejoins the boy, “my father (though an honest man) would mind no more stealing of a horse than I would drinking your glass of ale—Your health, sir,” added he, and drank it up. “That will do,” says the gentleman; “I see you’re Yorkshire.”

TONSORIAL WIT.

An eccentric barber opened a shop under the walls of the King’s Bench prison. The windows being broken when he entered it, he mended them with paper, on which appeared “Shave for a penny,” with the usual invitation to customers; and over the door was scrawled these lines:

Foote (who loved any thing eccentric) saw these inscriptions, and hoping to extract some wit from the author, whom he justly concluded to be an odd character, he pulled off his hat, and thrusting his head through a paper pane into the shop, called out “Is Jemmy Wright at home?” The barber immediately forced his own head through another pane into the street, and replied, “No, sir, he has just popt out.” Foote laughed heartily, and gave the man a guinea.

FORCE AND PLIABILITY OF CONSCIENCE.

A tailor, who was dangerously ill, had a remarkable dream. He saw, fluttering in the air, a piece of cloth of prodigious length, composed of all the cabbage he had made, of a variety of colours. The Angel of Death held this piece of patchwork in one of his hands, and with the other gave the tailor several strokes with a piece of iron. The tailor, awakening in a fright, made a vow, that, if he recovered, he would cabbage no more. He soon recovered. As he was diffident in himself, he ordered one of his apprentices to put him in mind of his dream whenever he cut out a suit of clothes. The tailor was for some time obedient to the intimations given him by his apprentice; but a nobleman having sent for him to make a coat out of a very rich stuff, his virtue could not resist the temptation. His apprentice put him in mind of his dream, but to no purpose. “I am tired with your talk about the dream,” says the tailor; “there was nothing like this in the whole piece of patchwork I saw in my dream.”

DISABILITY FROM STAMMERING.

A soldier, about to be sent on an expedition, said to the officer directing the drafts, “Sir, I cannot go, because I—I—stutter.” “Stutter!” says the officer, “you don’t go to talk, but to fight.” “Ay, but they’ll p-p-put me on g-g-guard, and a man may go ha-ha-half a mile before I can say, Wh-wh-who goes there?” “Oh, that is no objection, for there will be another sentry placed along with you, and he can challenge if you can fire.” “Well, b-b-but I may be taken and run through the g-g-guts before I can cry Qu-qu-quarter!”

KINDNESS OF A CARPENTER.

A carpenter having neglected to make a gibbet (which was ordered by the executioner), on the ground that he had not been paid for the last that he had erected, gave so much offence, that the next time the judge came to the circuit he was sent for. “Fellow (said the judge, in a stern tone), how came you to neglect making the gibbet that was ordered on my account?” “I humbly beg your pardon,” said the carpenter, “had I known it had been for your lordship, it should have been done immediately.”

ONE AT A TIME, GENTLEMEN.

One Sunday evening, when the weather was extremely hot, the windows of a parish church in the diocese of Gloucester were set open to admit more air, while the congregation was assembled for divine service. Just as the clergyman was beginning his weekly discourse (who, by the by, was not much celebrated for his oratorical powers), a jack-ass, which had been grazing in the church-yard, popped his head in at the window, and began braying with all his might, as if in opposition to the reverend preacher. On this a wag present immediately got up from his seat, and with great gravity of countenance exclaimed,—“One at a time, gentlemen, if you please!” The whole congregation set up a loud laugh, when the jack-ass took fright, and gave up the contest, though, from the clergyman’s chagrin and confusion, he would probably not have been the worst orator.

WINE SHARPENS THE WIT.

A gentleman went to see his son at Westminster school, under the great Dr. Busby. When they were in discourse, over a bottle of wine, the doctor sent for the boy. “Come,” says he, “young man, as your father is here, take a glass of wine;” and quoted this Latin sentence,—Paucum vini acuit ingenium (a little wine sharpens the wit.) The lad replied, “Sed plus vini, plus ingenii!” (the more wine, the more wit!) “Hold, young man,” replied the doctor, “though you argue on mathematical principles, you shall have but one glass!”

WEST INDIAN AND NEGRO.

A West Indian, who had a remarkably fiery nose, having fallen asleep in his chair, a negro boy, who was in waiting, observed a mosquito hovering round his face. Quashi eyed the insect very attentively; at last he saw him alight on his master’s nose, and immediately fly off. “Ah,” exclaimed the negro, “me d—n glad see you burn your foot!”