Volume 2 — Musings of A Bachelor
Reading edition
Between two women of equal beauty, always pick the one who closes her eyes when she kisses you. She’s not so likely to think you want to marry her.
The proof that men do not understand women is that they love them. The proof that women do understand men is that they marry them.
The first kiss is always stolen by the man. And the last one is always begged by the woman.
The length of a woman’s kiss nearly always depends upon the breadth of her imagination.
To remain a woman’s ideal a man must die a bachelor.
A woman’s idea of Hell—“Nobody loves me and my clothes don’t fit.”
If there were only three women left in the world, two of them would immediately convene a court-martial to try the other one.
Men frequently marry to keep other men from getting the woman they desire. They are not always successful.
The final definition of love is something that gives pain without hurting.
Self-respect means a comfortable sense that you have not been found out.
When a man commits a sin, he says, “How shall I conceal this?” When a woman commits a sin she says, “How can I let my friends know of this without bragging?”
The theory that really to know two women one must introduce them is ridiculous. It often results in a divorce.
A woman’s head is not always turned by flattery; sometimes its peroxide.
When a woman starts an idle rumor, it at once ceases to be idle.
One beauty of being single is that it’s a dreadfully thrilling experience until one’s wife finds it out.
It must be dreadful to meet at dinner the man who ran away with one’s wife. It places one under such an obligation!
If there were only one bachelor in the world, every married woman would still think she made a mistake when she married her husband.
Experience in man is something which is brought with the tears of plain women and the kisses of pretty ones.
Love without respect is an angel with but one wing.
To make marriage perfect, the husband should be deaf and the wife blind.
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Life is a river. Men are the boats. Women are the sandbars.
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Fashion note: Cellar steps are worn very much this year.
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Our Army Daze
About 2:00 o’clock one morning while making the rounds as Officer of the Day, I was halted by a sentry on post. After giving the pass word and being duly recognized, I asked for his special orders. You may imagine my surprise as he stood at port arms and said:
“Sir (hic), my special orders are: This post extends from tank to tank; Salute all officers according to rank; Take charge of all the shot and shell, And all the water in the (hic) well, And all the wood that’s in the yard,— In case of fire, alarm the guard. These are the orders I received From the gosh darned sentry I relieved. If this isn’t so, may I drop dead; I’ve only had two hours in bed, (Hic) Sir (hic).”
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Blankety Blank Verse
By William Sanford
My wife came in very late last night, Explaining that she had spent the evening With her friend Cora. But she did not look me in the face When she said it. But what could I say, Coming in but a moment before, After having spent the evening Myself With Cora.
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Even a fish won’t get caught—if it keeps its mouth shut.