Volume 2 — Whiz Bang Filosophy

Prohibition is morality on a jag.

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A good woman is chaste—so is good whiskey.

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Virtue, although often lost, is seldom advertised for.

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After man came woman and she has been after him ever since.

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A woman who can love but once is pretty badly stuck on herself.

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It may be peculiar, but a horse can eat best without a bit in his mouth.

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Man is made of dust; along comes the water wagon of fate and his name is mud.

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Before a man marries, he swears to love; after marriage, he loves to swear.

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Human nature shows to better advantage at a dog fight than at a prayer meeting.

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Love is blind. Perhaps that accounts for some of the bad shots he has made.

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Blessed is the man that is born of little furniture, for it shall be easier to move.

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Most women are both good and true; in fact, most of them are too good to be true.

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You can never judge the length of a woman’s tongue by the size of her mouth.

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Love has been called miserable happiness. Not so, it is what makes happiness miserable.

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He is a mean father who has his whiskers shaved off because the baby likes to pull them.

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Some women kiss their pet dogs in preference to their husbands. Some men are born lucky.

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The girl who wishes she had been born a boy will never make a good wife—she will want to wear the pants.

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A pretty woman with brains usually sends some man to the devil. If she hasn’t brains, she goes there herself.

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Some men promise to stop smoking after marriage without exacting a similar promise from the girl.

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If Mother Eve had been as wise as some of her daughters, what a fool she’d have made of that snake.

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A man will promise a woman or a baby anything to keep them quiet. Sometimes he delivers the goods in the case of the baby.

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All of us believe in law and order, of course, but a surprisingly large number of people like to see a policeman get whipped.

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Of course polygamy is dreadful, but an Oriental wife can come within four or five guesses of knowing where her husband spends his evenings.

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The wise virgins of olden days kept their lamps trimmed and burning; those of the present day keep the gas turned low, and they manage to trim as many suckers as their predecessors.

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Blessed is the man that is born for woman. He hath a short life and little joy. He springeth up in the morning like a huckleberry bush and is crushed to earth at night by a mother-in-law.

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Life’s Hard Course

This bit of filosophy is as old as the hills, but like good liquor and fruits of human thought, it grows more rich and mellow with age. Its quaintness is its virtue, and so here it is again.

Man comes into this world without his consent, and leaves it against his will. During his stay on earth his time is spent in one continual round of contraries and misunderstandings.

In his infancy, he’s an angel; in his boyhood, he’s a devil, and in his manhood, he is everything from a lizard up. In his duties, he’s a damphool.

If he raises a family, he’s a chump. If he raises a check, he’s a crook. If he is a poor man, he is a poor manager and has no sense. If he is rich, he is dishonest but considered smart. If he is in politics he is a grafter and a thief. If he is out of politics, you cannot place him as he is an undesirable citizen. If he donates to foreign missions, he does it for show; if he doesn’t, he is stingy and a tightwad.

When he comes into the world, they all want to kiss him; before he leaves it, they all want to kick him.

If he dies young, there was a great future before him. If he lives to a ripe, old age, he is only in the way, just living to save funeral expenses. So Life is just one damn thing after another.

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Everything has gone down except paper and envelopes. They are stationery.