Volume 2 — Pasture Pot Pourri
Reading edition
Oh, aspirin, dear aspirin, my head aches for you.
* * *
A trip on the ocean will bring out all the good that’s in you.
* * *
In the army it was: “Gimme,” “Let me take,” and “Have you?”
* * *
When your comprenez vous rope is cut, When you’ve bats in your belfry that flut, When there’s nobody home In the top of your dome, Then your head ain’t a head—it’s a nut.
* * *
Last night I went to see a fortune teller. She read my mind, started to blush, and slapped me right in the face.
* * *
No, Geraldine, Rex Beach is not a summer resort.
* * *
It is said that a woman ofttimes will drive a man to drink. For the land’s sake, show me one.
* * *
Superintendent—“How long did you work at your last job?”
Applicant—“Ten years.”
“What doing?”
“Ten years.”
* * *
The Garter Blues
I bought my girl a pair of jeweled garters for Christmas, but now she’s given them to another girl.
Now I know I’ll never see those garters again.
* * *
“A wild woman caused my downfall.”
“How’s that?”
“She tripped me.”
* * *
Now, boys and girls, let’s all sing “I’ve Got the Blues,” in A flat.
* * *
There’s water in the ocean, There’s water in the sea, For the last year or two They’ve been watering me.
* * *
Dear Bill: I don’t feel right; I feel so blue; please write a line and tell me what to do.
Drink ink—makes everything write.
* * *
Mrs. Smith to Mrs. Johnson: “Ain’t it funny what some folks will do to get their name in the paper? Now there’s the Olson family. I see by the Tribune this mornin’ where they’ve got a new baby at their home.”
* * *
Hail, hail, the gang’s all here; Some liar said I had real beer.
* * *
A wife may be a necessity—another man’s wife is certainly a luxury.
* * *
Virtue is its own reward—and too often its only reward.
* * *
Watchful Waiting
(From the Dubuque Times-Herald.)
GAS OVERCOMES GIRL WHILE TAKING BATH
Miss Cecelia M. Jones owes her life to the watchfulness of Joel Colley, elevator boy, and Rufus Baucom, janitor.
* * *
Murderers appear to me to be happy-go-lucky fellows—they take life so easily.
* * *
When the “pay-off” men are shy of dough And want a little “jack,” They take us poor old farmers And sell a street car track.
* * *
Sayings of the Famous: Old Crow—“Ashes to ashes and dust to dust; if saloons don’t get us the drug stores must.”
* * *
“I’m a little stiff from lacrosse.”
“Oh, Wisconsin?”
* * *
A little snow covers a multitude of rubbish.
* * *
Gossip kills more souls than vice. Reformers, take notice.
* * *
Whenever I see a chorus girl with a new Hudson seal coat, it is none of my business.
* * *
Times Change
’Tis true times do change. A man used to take his musket and powder horn and go hunting for a deer. But now the little dear takes a powder puff and goes hunting for a man.
* * *
Somebody Is Always—
Old Hiram Keller went to the cellar To get a wee nip on the sly; At the foot of the stair, he found his wife there, And didn’t she give him the eye!
* * *
Sworn Off
No, thank you. As I say, the friendship of a good man for his good friend’s good wife is a rare and fine thing.
But for ordinary human nature it is too risky.
* * *
Life always has some horrid clog To trip a fellow up, And it’s hard to be a gay, gay dog On the income of a pup.
* * *
A Matter of Habit
Pat—Johnny Newlywed says he has the most economical wife in town.
Mike—How’s that?
Pat—He says that the morning after he was married, he happened to think that his wife needed a little money, so he gave her a five dollar bill, whereupon she reached into her stocking and handed him two dollars change.