PART III (continued 2)

The Cray-fish, on this, went to the fish, and told them what she had heard: upon which the poor fish, in great perplexity, swam immediately to the Crane, and addressing themselves to her, told her what they had heard, and added, “We are now in so great a consternation, that we are come to desire your protection. Though you are our enemy, yet the wise tell us, that they who make their enemy their sanctuary, may be assured of being well received: you know full well that we are your daily food; and if we are destroyed, you, who are now too old to travel in search of food, must also perish; we pray you, therefore, for your own sake, as well as ours, to consider, and tell us what you think is the best course for us to take.” To which the Crane replied, “That which you acquaint me with, I heard myself from the mouths of the fishermen; we have no power sufficient to withstand them; nor do I know any other way to secure you, but this: it will be many months before they can clear the other pond they are to go about first: and, in the mean time, I can at times, and as my strength will permit me, remove you one after another into a little pond here hard by, where there is very good water, and where the fishermen can never catch you, by reason of the extraordinary depth.” The fish approved this counsel, and desired the Crane to carry them one by one into this pond. Nor did she fail to fish up three or four every morning, but she carried them no farther than to the top of a small hill, where she eat them: and thus she feasted herself for a while.

But one day, the Cray-fish, having a desire to see this delicate pond, made known her curiosity to the Crane, who, bethinking herself that the Cray-fish was her most mortal enemy, resolved to get rid of her at once, and murder her as she had done the rest; with this design she flung the Cray-fish upon her neck, and flew towards the hill. But when they came near the place, the Cray-fish, spying at a distance the small bones of her slaughtered companions, mistrusted the Crane’s intention, and laying hold of a fair opportunity, got her neck in her claw, and grasped it so hard, that she fairly saved herself, and strangled the Crane.

“This example,” says the Fox, “shows you, that crafty tricking people often become victims to their own cunning.” The Raven, returning thanks to the Fox for his good advice, said, “I shall not by any means neglect your wholesome instructions; but what shall I do?” “Why,” replied the Fox, “you must snatch up something that belongs to some stout man or other, and let him see what you do, to the end he may follow you. Which that he may easily do, do you fly slowly; and when you are just over the Serpent’s hole, let fall the thing that you hold in your beak or talons whatever it be, for then the person that follows you, seeing the Serpent come forth, will not fail to knock him on the head.” The Raven did as the Fox advised him, and by that means was delivered from the Serpent.

THE MERCHANT AND HIS FRIEND

A Certain Merchant, said Kalila, pursuing her discourse, had once a great desire to make a long journey. Now in regard that he was not very wealthy, it is requisite, said he to himself, that before my departure I should leave some part of my estate in the city, to the end that if I meet with ill luck in my travels, I may have wherewithal to keep me at my return. To this purpose he delivered a great number of bars of iron, which were a principal part of his wealth, in trust to one of his friends, desiring him to keep them during his absence; and then taking his leave, away he went. Some time after, having had but ill luck in his travels, he returned home; and the first thing he did was to go to his Friend, and demand his iron: but his Friend, who owed several sums of money, having sold the iron to pay his own debts, made him this answer: “Truly friend,” said he, “I put your iron into a room that was close locked, imagining it would have been there as secure as my own gold; but an accident has happened which nobody could have suspected, for there was a rat in the room eat it all up.” The Merchant, pretending ignorance, replied, “It is a terrible misfortune to me indeed; but I know of old that rats love iron extremely; I have suffered by them many times before in the same manner, and therefore can the better bear my present affliction.” This answer extremely pleased the Friend, who was glad to hear the Merchant so well inclined to believe that the rats had eaten his iron; and to remove all suspicions, desired him to dine with him the next day. The Merchant promised he would, but in the mean time he met in the middle of the city one of his Friend’s children; the child he carried home, and locked up in a room. The next day he went to his Friend, who seemed to be in great affliction, which he asked him the cause of, as if he had been perfectly ignorant of what had happened. “Oh, my dear friend,” answered the other, “I beg you to excuse me, if you do not see me so cheerful as otherwise I would be; I have lost one of my children; I have had him cried by sound of trumpet, but I know not what is become of him.” “Oh!” replied the Merchant, “I am grieved to hear this; for yesterday in the evening, as I parted from hence, I saw an owl in the air with a child in his claws; but whether it were yours I cannot tell.” “Why, you most foolish and absurd creature!” replied the Friend, “are you not ashamed to tell such an egregious lie? An owl, that weighs at most not above two or three pounds, can he carry a boy that weighs above fifty?” “Why,” replied the merchant, “do you make such a wonder at that? as if in a country where one rat can eat an hundred ton weight of iron, it were such a wonder for an owl to carry a child that weighs not above fifty pounds in all.” The Friend, upon this, found that the Merchant was no such fool as he took him to be, begged his pardon for the cheat which he designed to have put upon him, restored him the value of his iron, and so had his son again.

Other and very ancient Hindoo stories follow.

THE MAID, THE MONKEY, AND THE MENDICANT

On the banks of the Ganges there was once a city named Makandi. And in a temple, not far from the river, there lived a religious mendicant with a large number of disciples. He was a great rogue, but to impress the minds of the credulous people of the neighbourhood, he affected to be perfectly indifferent to all worldly affairs, and even went so far as to have taken a vow of perpetual silence. Now, in this city there resided a wealthy merchant, who believed in the mendicant, and was one of his devoted followers. The merchant had a beautiful daughter, who had just come of age, and who, entertaining a tender feeling for a handsome prince who lived in the neighbourhood, had begun to communicate with him by means of a confidential servant. One day the mendicant came on a begging excursion to the house of the merchant, and his daughter, beautifully dressed, came out with a silver cup in her hand to give him alms. The beggar as soon as he saw her forgot his vow of perpetual silence, and exclaimed, “Oh! what a sight!” but immediately afterwards he was ashamed of the words which he had uttered, and hastened home to the temple. The merchant, who had heard these words, thought that there was something unusual in them, and followed the mendicant to his abode. The latter, on seeing him, said with tears in his eyes, “Friend, I know that you are greatly devoted to me, and I grieve to say that a great misfortune will come upon you. The marks upon the body of your beautiful daughter foretell the ruin of your family, and the loss of your wealth as soon as she is married.” These words frightened the merchant almost out of his wits, and he implored the hypocritical mendicant to tell him if there were any means of averting the catastrophe. “There is one remedy,” he replied, “but you will find it hard to practise. You must make a box with holes in the lid, in the form of a boat, and having administered a narcotic to your daughter, place her in it, and closing the box, put it into the Ganges with a lamp burning on it. The waters of the river will carry her to some distant country, where doubtless she will be married, but her marriage there will not affect your fortune here.” Pleased with this apparently disinterested advice, the silly merchant returned home, and did as he was told. Fortunately, however, for the girl, her confidential servant heard what was going to be done, and immediately informed the young prince, the girl’s lover, of the intentions of her father. At night he accordingly watched by the river, and as soon as the box was left there he got hold of it, and brought it home, and taking the sleeping girl out, put into her place a large and ferocious monkey, and, having closed the lid, sent it back to the river upon whose broad stream it was floated once more. In the meantime the mendicant was enjoying golden dreams about the future. Thinking to secure the girl for himself, he sent some of his disciples to the river side, and told them to get hold of the box as it came floating down the stream. He further enjoined them not to pay any attention to anything they might hear inside the box, but to bring it directly to him as soon as they found it. On the box being brought, he had it carried to his cell, and then told his disciples to remain at a distance, and not to disturb him, as he had to perform some religious ceremonies in connection with it. The disciples then retired, and the mendicant began to open the box with the most pleasing anticipations. But alas, the retribution of sin is often too near. The ferocious monkey, exasperated by his confinement, jumped out at once, and began to bite, scratch, and tear the poor mendicant in every way. The latter bawled out as loud as he could, but his disciples thinking that he was performing religious ceremonies, or fighting with the devil, did not come to his assistance. At last he succeeded in opening the door of his room, and got away with the loss of his nose and an ear. The monkey also bolted through the door, and disappeared into the jungle. The good people of Nakandi were much amused with the incident, and drove the mendicant out of the town. The merchant’s daughter was delighted to find herself with her lover, while her father, covered with shame, consoled himself with the idea that she had got a good husband.

ABOUT A WOMAN’S PROMISE

In the city of Madanpur there reigned a king, named Birbar. In the same city there lived a trader, called Hermyadutt, who had a daughter, by name Madansena. One day, in the season of spring, she went with her female friends to a garden, and when there met a young man, named Somdatt, the son of the merchant Dharmdatt. This young man fell violently in love with her at first sight, and involuntarily went up to her, and, taking hold of her hand, began to say, “If thou wilt not love me, I shall abandon my life on thy account.” The girl said, “You must not do so, for in doing this you will commit a great sin.” Somdatt replied, “Excessive love has pierced my heart. The fear of separation has burnt up my body. From the pain all my memory and intellect are lost, and at present, through my excess of love, I have no regard for virtue or sin. If you will give me a promise, I shall hope to live.” Madansena said, “On the fifth day from this I am going to be married, then I shall first meet you, and after that I shall go with my husband.” Having given this promise, and affirming it by oath, she went home.

On the fifth day after this she was married, and her husband took her to his house. After several days her sisters-in-law forcibly took her to her husband at night, but she would have nothing to do with him; and, when he wished to embrace her, she jerked him with her hand, and told the story of her promise to the merchant’s son. Hearing this, her husband said, “If thou truly wishest to go with him, then go.”

Having thus obtained her husband’s consent, she put on her best clothes and jewels, and started for the merchant’s house. On her way she met a thief, who asked her where she was going alone at that midnight hour so adorned. She replied, “That she was going to meet her lover.” On hearing this, the thief said, “Who is your protector here?” She replied, “Kama, the god of love, with his weapons is my protector.” She then told the whole story to the thief, and said, “Do not spoil my attire. I promise you that, on my return, I will give you up all my jewels.”

The thief let her go, and she proceeded to the place where Somdatt was lying asleep. Awaking him suddenly, he arose bewildered, and asked her who she was, and why she had come. She replied, “I am the daughter of the merchant Hermyadutt. Do you not remember that you forcibly took my hand in the garden, and insisted on my giving you my oath, and I swore, at your bidding, that I would leave the man I was married to, and come to you. I have come accordingly; do to me whatever thou pleasest.”

Somdatt asked her if she had told the story to her husband, and she said that she had told him all, and that he had allowed her to come. The youth said: “This affair is like jewels without apparel; or food without clarified butter; or singing out of tune; all these things are alike. In the same way, dirty garments take away beauty, bad food saps the strength, a wicked wife takes away life, a bad son ruins the family. What a woman does not do is of little moment, for she does not give utterance to the thoughts of her mind; and what is at the tip of her tongue she does not reveal, and what she does, she does not tell of. God has created a woman in the world as a wonder.”

After uttering these words, the merchant’s son said: “I will have nothing to do with the wife of a stranger.” Hearing this, she returned homeward. On her way she met the thief, and told him the whole story. He applauded her highly, and let her go, and she went to her husband and related to him the whole circumstance. Her husband, however, evinced no affection for her, but said, “The beauty of the cuckoo consists in its note alone; the beauty of a woman consists in her fidelity to her husband; the beauty of an ugly man is his knowledge; the beauty of a devotee is his patient suffering.”

Having related so much, the sprite said, “O king! whose is the highest merit of these three?” Vickram replied: “The thief’s merit is the greatest.” “How,” asked the sprite? The king answered: “Seeing that her heart was set on another man, the husband let her go; through fear of the king, Somdatt let her alone; whereas there was no reason for the thief leaving her unmolested; therefore the thief is superior.”

OF A QUEER RELATIONSHIP

There is a city in the south named Dhurumpoor, the king of which was named Mahabal. Once upon a time another king of the same region led an army against him, and invested his capital. After much fighting Mahabal was defeated, and, taking his wife and daughter with him, he fled by night into the jungle. After travelling several miles the day broke, and a village came in view. Leaving the queen and princess seated beneath a tree, he himself went to the village to get something to eat, and in the meantime a band of Bhils, or hill robbers, came and surrounded him, and told him to throw down his arms.

The king, on hearing this, commenced discharging arrows at them, and the Bhils did the same from their side. After fighting for some time, an arrow struck the king’s forehead with such force that he reeled and fell, and one of the Bhils came up and cut off his head. When the queen and the princess saw that the king was dead, they went back into the jungle weeping and beating their breasts. After going some distance they became tired and sat down, and began to be troubled with anxiety.

Now, it happened that a king named Chandrasen, together with his son, while pursuing game, came into that very jungle, and the king, noticing the footprints of the two women, said to his son, “How have the footprints of human feet come into this vast forest?” The prince replied, “These are women’s footprints, a man’s foot is not so small.” The king said, “Come let us look for them, and if we find them I will give her whose foot is the largest to thee, and I will take the other for myself.” Having entered into this mutual compact, they went forward, and soon perceived the two women seated on the ground. They were delighted at finding them, and seating them on their horses in the manner agreed upon, they brought them home. The prince took possession of the queen, as her feet were the largest, and the king took the princess, and they were married accordingly.

Having related so much the sprite said, “Your majesty, what relationship will there be between the children of these two?” On hearing this, the king held his tongue through ignorance, being unable to describe the relationship.

Hierocles’ collection of jests is mostly short anecdotes of pedants who are shown up as simpletons or noodles.

This principle of humor which is, of course, the rock bottom theory of the feeling of superiority induced by the discomfiture of the other man, often pins the jest on the pedant or scholar by way of emphasizing the point.

Hierocles was an Alexandrian Neoplatonic philosopher who lived in the Fifth Century A.D.

With authorship of the usual legendary haziness the collection may not have been made by him at all, but it passes for his work.

The stories themselves came into popular knowledge among the churchmen of the Middle Ages, and in their existing form probably date about the ninth century.

As will be seen from the following examples, many of the jests are still being used as the basis of Twentieth century after dinner stories and Comic Weekly jokes.

Jests of Hierocles

A scholar meeting a physician, said, I beg your pardon for never being sick, though you are one of my best friends.

A scholar wishing to catch a mouse that eats his books, baited and set a trap, and sat by it to watch.

A scholar wishing to teach his horse to eat little, gave him no food at all; and the horse dying, How unlucky, said he; as soon as I had taught him to live without food he died!

A scholar meaning to sell a house, carried about a stone of it as a specimen.

A scholar desiring to see if sleep became him, shut both his eyes, and went to the mirror.

A scholar having bought a house, looked out of the window, and asked the passengers, If the house became him?

A scholar dreaming he hit his foot on a nail, felt it pain him when he waked, and bound it up. Another scholar coming to see him, asked him, Why he went to bed without shoes.

A scholar being told the river had carried off a great part of his ground, answered, What shall I say?

A scholar sealed a wine vessel he had, but his man bored the bottom and stole the liquor. He was astonished at the liquor’s diminishing, though the seal was entire; and another saying, “Perhaps it is taken out at the bottom.” The scholar answered, Most foolish of men, it is not the under part, but the upper that is deficient.

A scholar meeting a person, said to him, “I heard you were dead.” To which the other answered, “You see I am alive.” The scholar replied, Perhaps so, but he who told me the contrary was a man of much more credit than you.

A scholar hearing that crows lived two hundred years, bought one, saying, I wish to make the experiment.

A scholar being on board a ship in a tempest, when the rest seized upon different articles to swim ashore on, he laid hold of the anchor.

A scholar hearing one of two twins was dead, when he met the other, asked, Which of you was it that died? You or your brother?

A scholar coming to a ferry, went into the boat on horseback. Being asked the reason, he said, I am in great haste.

A scholar wanting money sold his books, and wrote to his father, Rejoice with me, for now my books maintain me.

A scholar sending his son to war, the youth said, “I shall bring you back an enemy’s head.” To which the scholar replied, If you even lose your own head, I shall be happy to see you return in good health.

A scholar in Greece receiving a letter from a friend, desiring him to buy some books there, neglected the business. But the friend arriving some time after, the scholar said, I am sorry I did not receive your letter about the books.

A scholar, a bald man, and a barber, travelling together, agreed each to watch four hours at night, in turn, for the sake of security. The barber’s lot came first, who shaved the scholar’s head when asleep, then waked him when his turn came. The scholar scratching his head, and feeling it bald, exclaimed, You wretch of a barber, you have waked the bald man instead of me.

Pope Alexander VII. asking the celebrated Greek, Leo Allatius, why he did not enter into orders? he answered, Because I desire to have it in my power to marry if I chuse. The pope adding, And why do you not marry? Leo replied, Because I desire to have it in my power to enter into orders if I chuse.

Erasmus, himself a Satirist, collected thousands of the jests of the Greeks and Romans. These more often noted the wit than the witlessness of the speakers and include all degrees of wit from mere whimsicality to sharpest satire.

Some of the best ones follow.

GREEK

A friend asking him how great glory was procured, Agesilaus answered, By contempt of death.

Being asked the boundaries of the Spartan state, he answered, The points of our spears.

One asking him why Sparta had no walls, he shewed him armed citizens, saying, These are the walls of Sparta.

Being very fond of his children, he would sometimes ride about on a cane among them. A friend catching him at this sport, Agesilaus said, Tell nobody till you are yourself a father.

King Demaratus being asked in company whether he was silent through folly, or wisdom, answered, A fool cannot be silent.

Cleomenes the son of Cleombrotus, when presented with some game-cocks, by a person who, enhancing the gift, said they were of a breed who would die before they yielded; answered, Give me rather some of the breed that kill them.

Pausanias, when a physician told him “You look well,” answered, Yes, you are not my physician.

When the same was blamed by a friend, for speaking ill of a physician, whom he had never tried, he replied, If I had tried him, I should not have lived to speak ill of him.

Charillus, being angry with his slave, said to him, Were I not in a passion, I would kill thee.

A dancer saying to a Spartan, “You cannot stand so long on one leg as I can.” True, answered the Spartan, but any goose can.

Another Spartan mother giving her son his shield, when going to battle, said Son, either this, or upon this.

Another to her son who complained that his sword was short, said Do you add a step to it.

One objecting to him his luxurious feeding, he showed him some dear-bought dish, and said, “Would not you buy this, if it were sold for a penny?” “Surely,” said the other. Then, said Aristippus, I only give to luxury what you give to avarice.

Diogenes the Cynic, being in the house of Plato, strode over the carpets with his dirty feet, saying I trample the pride of Plato. True, said Plato, but with a greater pride.

Seeing a very unskilful archer shoot, he seated himself by the mark. The reason was That he may not hit me.

Going to the town of Myndus, and seeing the gates very large, and the town small, he called out Men of Myndus! shut your gates least the town should escape.

Being asked of what beast the bite is most dangerous, he answered Of wild beasts, that of a slanderer: of tame, that of a flatterer.

Entering a dirty bath he said Where are those washed who wash here?

Being asked what wine he liked best, he said Another’s.

Crates the Cynic of Thebes, being asked a remedy for love, said Hunger is one remedy. Time is a better. The best is a rope.

Theophrastus to one who was silent in company said If you are a fool you do wisely! if you are wise you do foolishly.

Empedocles saying to Xenophanes the philosopher “That a wise man could not be found.” True, answered Xenophanes, for it must be a wise man who knows him.

Archelaus, to a prating barber, who asked how he would please to be shaved? answered, In silence.

One asking Demosthenes what is the first point in eloquence, he answered, Acting. And the second? Acting. And the third? Acting still.

An Athenian who wanted eloquence, but was very brave, when another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great affairs, got up and said, Men of Athens, all that he has said, I will do.

Zeuxis entered into a contest of art with Parrhasius. The former painted grapes so truly that birds came and pecked at them. The latter delineated a cloth so exactly, that Zeuxis coming in, said, “Take away the cloth that we may see this piece.” And finding his error, said, Parrhasius, thou hast conquered. I deceived but birds, thou an artist.

Zeuxis painted a boy carrying grapes: the birds came again and pecked. Some applauding, Zeuxis flew to the picture in a passion, saying, My boy must be very ill painted.

Gnathena the courtesan, when a very small bottle of wine was brought in, with the praise that it was very old, answered, It is very little for its age.

Philip of Macedon, sitting in judgment after dinner, an old woman receiving an unjust sentence, exclaimed, “I appeal.” “To whom!” said Philip. To Philip, when sober, answered the matron. The king took the lesson.

ROMAN

A soldier boasting of a scar in his face, from a wound in battle, Augustus said, Yes, you will look back when you run away.

Fabia Dollabella saying, she was thirty years of age; Cicero answered, It must be true, for I have heard it these twenty years.

Seeing Lentulus, his son-in-law, a man of very small stature, walking up, with a long sword at his side, he called out, Who has tied my son-in-law to that sword?

One finding his shoes eaten with mice, in the morning when he rose, asked Cato, in great agitation, the meaning of the portent; who answered, It is no prodigy that mice should eat shoes! had the shoes eaten the mice, it would have been indeed a prodigy.

When Brutus was dissuaded from his last battle, as the jeopardy was great, he only said, To-day all will be well, or I shall not care.

A large bull being produced in the amphitheatre, the hunter struck ten times, and missed. Gallienus, the emperor, who was present, sent the hunter a wreath: and all wondering, he said, It is extremely difficult to miss such a mark so often.

One saying, that in Sicily he had bought a lamprey five feet long, for a trifle; Galba, the orator, to reprove the lye, said, No wonder. They are found there so long, that the fishers constantly use them for cables.

Scipio Nasica going to visit Ennius the poet, was told by his maid-servant, that he was not at home, though he knew he was. A few days after Ennius came to see Nasica, who hearing his voice, called out, that he was not within. Then said Ennius, “What! Do not I hear your voice?” To which Nasica replied, You are an impudent fellow. I believed your maid! and you will not believe myself.

Sulpitius Galba the orator, pretended to sleep once, while Mecenas made love to his wife, but seeing, at the same time, a slave stealing wine from the side-board, he cried, Friend, I do not sleep for all.

From the collection of Poggio we get other Italian stories.

Some clowns going to Arezzo, to buy a crucifix for their church, the carver seeing them very stupid, said, Do you want a living or a dead crucifix? They requiring time to consider: after much deliberation, returned, saying, Make us a living one! for if our neighbours be not pleased with that, we can easily kill it.

An inhabitant of a maritime town, looking out at a window, and seeing the ocean in a violent storm, and many vessels tossing about, said to a friend who was with him, “I wonder so many people go to sea, when so many die there.” Do not you wonder, answered the friend, why so many people go to bed, when so many die there?

Bardella da Mantoua, being led to execution, a priest, who was with him, said, “Be of good cheer, for to-night you will sup with the Virgin Mary, and with the apostles.” Bardella answered, It will be a favour if you will go for me, for this is a fast-day with me.

Marcello da Scopeto, consulting Coccheto da Trievi, the physician, he wrote a receipt, and said, “Here, take this at three times; one every morning.” Marcello cut the paper in three; and made a shift to swallow it in three mornings.

Tosetto one day putting the physician Zerboico in a violent passion; he said, “Peace, rogue. Do not I know that your father was a bricklayer?” Tosetto answered, Nobody knew this, save your father, who used to carry him lime.

The following are from Il Cortegiano, by Castiglione.

An Italian Doctor of Law, seeing a criminal, who was whipped, walking very slowly during the operation, asked him why he did not hasten, that he might have fewer stripes; adding many arguments to shew that the slower he went, the more he must suffer. To which, the criminal, standing still, and looking him full in the face, replied with great gravity, When you are whipped through the streets, walk as you please, and pray allow me to enjoy the same liberty.

Duke Frederic of Modena, having built a palace, was at a loss what to do with the rubbish. An abbot, standing by, told him to cause a pit to be digged large enough to contain it. “And what,” said Frederic, laughing, “shall I do with the earth which is dug out of the pit?” To which the abbot, with great wisdom, replied, Make the pit so large as to hold all.

Ponzio of Sila seeing a rustic who had two capons to sell, and agreeing on the price, begged him also to carry them to his lodging, where he was going, and he would pay him for his pains. Ponzio led him to a round bell-tower, separate from the church, near which was an alley: when standing still, Ponzio said, “I have wagered a couple of capons with a friend, that this bell-tower is not forty feet round, and have got a packthread here that we may try it.” So drawing the thread from his pocket, he gave one end to the rustic; bidding him hold it, while he went round. But when Ponzio came to the other side of the bell-tower, where the alley was, he fixed the thread with a nail, and ran down the alley with the capons. The peasant after long standing and bawling, went round, and had the nail and packthread for his capons and labour.

Not every tongue offers us collections to be translated, nor are all those that are available yet translated, but we may give a few of Spanish origin, taken from the collection of Melchior de Santa Cruz which are the flowers of Spanish Apothegms and wise or witty sayings.

Like jesters of all other nations the Spaniards saw fit to heap sarcasms on the medical profession.

We can only assume that in those days doctors had not reached the heights of sapience they have since attained.

And also, we must remember that it was the custom for the unlearned to poke fun at the scholars, hence all professions felt the satiric lash.

At the table of Pope Alexander the sixth, the company debated one day, if it were advantageous to a state to have physicians in it? The greater part held not; and alleged, as a reason, that Rome had passed her first, and best, six hundred years without them. But the pope said, he was not of that opinion, for were there no physicians, the multitude of mankind would be so great, that the world could not contain them.

A Biscayan clergyman, a follower of the cardinal Don Pedro Gonzales de Mendoza, pulled one day a pistol out of his pocket. The cardinal saw him, and reproved him, saying, “That it was indecent for a clergyman to carry arms.” The Biscayan answered, “Most reverend lord, I do not carry arms to hurt any man, but to defend myself against the dogs of this country, which are remarkable for fierceness.” The cardinal said, “I can tell you a charm against dogs. You need only repeat any verse of the gospel of St. John.” The Biscayan replied, Yes, my lord, but that does not apply in every case, for many of our dogs do not understand Latin.

The same cardinal said of the monks, who, by shaving the top and under part of the head, form a crown of hair around, that they had crowns which the most ambitious would not envy.

A bishop sent a present of six capons to brother Bernaldino Palomo, but the servant who carried them stole one. Tell his lordship, said Palomo, that I kiss his hands for the five capons.—Do you kiss his hands for the other.

Juan de Ayala, lord of the town of Cabolla, slew a crane. His cook, when he dressed it, gave a leg to his mistress. When it was served up, Juan said, Where is the other leg? The cook answered, Cranes have but one leg. The day following, Juan took his cook to the chace with him, and perceiving a flock of cranes, which, as usual with that bird, all stood upon one leg, the cook said, Your worship sees the truth of what I said. Juan riding up to the birds called, Ox, Ox, Ox. The cranes being startled, put down the other leg: and Juan said, See, you knave, have they two legs or one? The cook answered, Body of me, sir, had you called Ox, Ox, to the one you dined on yesterday it would have produced its other leg too.

Perico de Ayala, the buffoon of the Marquis de Villena, came to see Don Frances, the buffoon of Charles V. when he lay on his death bed. Perico seeing him in so bad a way, said, Brother Don Frances, I request you, by the great friendship which always was between us, that when you go to heaven (which I believe must be very soon, since you lived so pious a life), you will beseech God to have mercy on my soul. Frances answered, Tie a thread on this finger, that I may not forget it. These were his last words; and he instantly expired.

The servants of a Spanish lord said, in his presence, that Don Diego Deza, archbishop of Seville, was very liberal to his domestics. The lord answered, So he may, for he has his wealth but for his life. A page replied, And for how many lives has your lordship yours?

Some thieves trying one night to break into a shop, in which two servant men lay; one of them called to the robbers. Come back when we are asleep.

A rich man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder he had suffered the preceding night. The physician felt his pulse, and said, Sir, do you eat well? Yes, said the patient. Do you sleep well? I do. Then, said the physician, I shall give you something to take away all that.

A labourer intending to bind his son apprentice to a butcher, asked a gentleman of the village, his friend, to whom he should put him. The answer was, You had best bind him to the physician, for he is the best butcher I know.

A physician went to visit a young lady, daughter of a nobleman. Desiring her arm, to feel her pulse, the damsel, from pride, covered the place with the sleeve of her shift. The physician also drew down his coat sleeve, and applying it, said, A linen pulse must have a woollen physician.

A bad painter, who had never produced any thing worth, went to another place, and commenced physician. A person who knew him, meeting him there, asked the reason of this change. Because said he, if I now commit faults, the earth covers them.

To a student of a college was brought a large dish of soup, and only one pea in it. He rose, and began to strip. His companion asking what was the matter, he answered, I am going to swim after that pea.

The effects of a merchant, who was greatly in debt, being on sale, one bought a pillow, saying, That it must be good to sleep on, since he could sleep on it, who owed so much.

The same merchant being asked, how he could sleep with such debts upon him? said, The wonder is, how my creditors could sleep.

A Gallician, being at the war of Granada, received a wound in the head with an arrow. The surgeon arriving, said, upon examination, You are a dead man, the arrow has pierced your brain. The Gallician said, Look again, for that is impossible. The surgeon replied, It is so; I see it plain. It cannot be, said the Gallician: for if I had any brain, I should not have been here.

A man went to borrow an ass of a neighbour, who said the ass was from home. Meanwhile the animal chanced to bray: upon which the borrower exclaimed, How! did you not tell me the ass was abroad? The other replied, in a passion, Will you prefer the ass’s word to mine?

A passenger going to Peru, a great storm arose; and the master of the vessel ordered, that the most burdensome articles that every one had should be thrown into the sea, to lighten the vessel. Upon which this passenger ran and brought up his wife, saying, That she was the most burdensome article he had.

A squire being asked, why he had married a deaf wife? said, In hopes she was also dumb.

The German nation made small pretence to wit or humor. What we have of their early efforts is either gross or stupid.

A few specimens taken from their mediæval Jest collections will quickly prove this.

A malicious woman often beat her husband; being reproved for it, and told that her husband was her head, she answered, May not I beat my own head as I please?

Some Dutchmen conversing in a bookseller’s shop at Leyden, an unknown German came in, upon which one of them exclaimed, “Why is Saul among the prophets?” The German retorted: He is seeking his father’s asses.

A very ignorant priest saying mass, saw on the margin of his book, Salta per tria (skip three); meaning that he should find the rest of the office three leaves further on; upon which he leaped three steps forwards from the altar. The clowns about him, thinking he had suddenly gone mad, took and bound him, and carried him home.

One being asked, what made him bald? said, My hair.

A lady asking that celebrated general, prince Maurice, who was the first captain of the age? he answered, The marquis of Spinola is the second. He thereby gave to understand, that he knew himself to be the first; but did not chuse either to say so, or tell a falsehood.

Two ladies of high rank, disputing the precedence in a procession, the Emperor, Charles V. desired they would make him their arbiter. Having heard the reasons on both sides, he found no other way to end the difference, than by ordering that the most foolish should go first. After which there were as many disputes who should go last; till they agreed, that each should be foolish in her turn.

Charles V. going to see the new cloister of the Dominicans at Vienna, overtook a peasant, who was carrying a sucking pig, and whose cries were so disagreeable to the emperor, that, after many expressions of impatience, he said to the peasant, “My friend, do not you know how to silence a sucking pig?” The poor man said modestly, that he really did not, and should be happy to learn. “Take it by the tail,” said the Emperor. The peasant finding this succeed upon trial, turned to the Emperor, and said, Faith, friend, you must have been longer at the trade than me, for you understand it better. An answer which furnished repeated laughter to Charles and his court.

EPIGRAMS

Collections of Mediæval Epigrams are both numerous and lengthy and not infrequently their comparative value depends largely on the translator’s learning or talent.

For instance a distich of Plato’s is thus translated by Coleridge,

THE THIEF AND THE SUICIDE

and is thus rendered by Shelley,

But the modernization is not just now our pursuit, so the epigrams will be given in something approaching chronological order and the translator’s name mentioned when known.

Plato THE MISER AND THE MOUSE

Lucillius A MISER’S DREAM

Nicarchus THE GREAT CONTENTION

Unknown Author ON LATE-ACQUIRED WEALTH

A VOICE FROM THE GRAVE

ON THE INCONSTANCY OF WOMAN’S LOVE

Catullus ON HIS OWN LOVE

Aly Ben Ahmed Ben Mansour TO THE VIZIR CASSIM OBID ALLAH, ON THE DEATH OF ONE OF HIS SONS

The Khaliph Radhi Billah TO A LADY UPON SEEING HER BLUSH

Janus Pannonius ON AURISPA

Actius Sannazarius ON AUFIDIUS

Euricius Cordus TO PHILOMUSUS

THE DOCTOR’S APPEARANCE

Georgius Buchananus TO ZOILUS

ON LEONORA

Johannes Secundus ON CHARINUS, THE HUSBAND OF AN UGLY WIFE

Theodorus Beza

Paulus Thomas ON CELSUS

Stephanus Paschasius MARRIED LIFE

Johannes Audœmus TO A FRIEND IN DISTRESS

ADVICE TO PONTICUS

Balthasar Bonifacius DANGEROUS LOVE

From Bhartrihari, an Indian philosopher who flourished about the ninth century, we select the following cynical paragraphs.

I believed that one woman was devoted to me, but she is now attracted by another man, and another man takes pleasure in her, while a second woman interests herself in me. Curses on them both, and on the god of love, and on the other woman, and on myself.

The fundamentally ignorant man is easily led, and the wise man still more easily; but not even the Almighty Himself can exercise any influence on the smatterer.

A man may tear the pearl from between the teeth of the crocodile; he may steer his ship over the roughest seas; he may twine a serpent round his brow like a laurel; but he cannot convince a foolish and stubborn opponent.

A man may squeeze oil from sand; he may slake his thirst from the well in a mirage; he may even obtain possession of a hare’s horn; but he cannot convince a foolish and stubborn opponent.

A dog will eat with delight the most noisome and decaying bones, and will pay no attention even if the ruler of the gods stands before him—and in like manner a mean man takes no heed of the worthlessness of his belongings.

Our nobility of birth may pass away; our virtues may fall into decay: our moral character may perish as if thrown over a precipice: our family may be burnt to ashes, and a thunderbolt may dash away our power like an enemy: let us keep a firm grip on our money, for without this the whole assembly of virtues are but as blades of glass.

Let a man be wealthy, and he shall be quite wise, learned in the sacred writings and of good birth; virtuous, handsome and eloquent. Gold attracts all the virtues to itself.

The same portion of the sky that forms a circle round the moon by night also forms a circle round the sun by day How great is the labour of both!

A sour heart; a face hardened with inward pride and a nature as difficult to penetrate as the narrowest of mountain passes—these things are known to be characteristic of women: their mind is known by the wise to be as changeable as the drop of dew on the lotus leaf. Faults develop in a woman as she grows up, exactly as poisonous branches sprout from the creeper.

The beautiful features of a woman are praised by the poets—her breasts are compared to pots of gold: her face to the shining moon, and her hips to the forehead of an elephant: nevertheless the beauty of a woman merits no praise.

From The Baharistan, the work of Jami, a Persian poet and philosopher.

Bahlúl being asked to count the fools of Basrah, replied: “They are without the confines of computation. If you ask me, I will count the wise men, for they are no more than a limited few.”

A learned man being annoyed while writing a letter to one of his confidential friends, at the conduct of a person who, seated at his side, glanced out of the corner of his eye at his writing, wrote: “Had not a hireling thief been seated at my side and engaged in reading my letter I should have written to thee all my secrets.” The man said: “By God, my lord, I have neither read nor even looked at thy letter.” “Fool!” exclaimed the other; “how then canst thou say what thou now sayest?”

A mendicant once coming to beg something at the door of a house, the master of it called out to him from the interior: “Pray excuse me: the women of the house are not here.” The beggar retorted: “I wish for a morsel of bread, not to embrace the women of the house.”

A certain person made a claim of ten dirams on Júhí. The judge enquired: “Hast thou any testimony to offer?” On the answer being in the negative he continued: “Shall I put him on his oath?” “Of what value is his oath?” said the man in reply. “O judge of the Faithful,” then proposed Júhí in his turn, “there lives in my quarter of the town an Imám, temperate, truthful and beneficent, send for him and put him on his oath instead of me, that this man’s mind may be easy.”

Jáhiz relates: “I never experienced so much shame as this event occasioned me. One day a woman took my hand and led me to the shop of a master metal founder, saying to him: ‘Be it thus formed.’ I being puzzled to know what this conduct signified, questioned the master, who in reply said: ‘She had ordered me to make her a figure in the form of Satan. When I told her that I did not know in what semblance to make it, she brought thee, as thou knowest, and said: ‘Make it in this semblance.’”

The same learned man, too, gives us this relation: “As I was once standing in the street, in conversation with a friend, a woman came and standing opposite me, gazed in my face. When her staring had exceeded all bounds, I said to my slave: ‘Go to that woman and ask her what she seeks.’ The slave returning to me thus reported her answer: ‘I wished to inflict some punishment on my eyes which had committed a great fault, and could find none more severe for them than the sight of thy ugly face.’”

A person who perceived an ugly man asking pardon for his sins, and praying for deliverance from the fire of hell, said to him: “Wherefore, O friend, with such a countenance as thou hast, would’st thou cheat hell, and give such a face reluctantly to the fire?”

An assembly of people being seated together, and engaged in discussing the merits and defects of men, one of them observed: “Whoever has not two seeing eyes is but half a man; and whoever has not in his house a beautiful bride is but half a man; finally he who cannot swim in the sea is but half a man.” A blind man in the company who had no wife, and could not swim, called out to him: “O my dear friend, thou hast laid down an extraordinary principle, and cast me so far out of the circle of manhood, that still half a man is required before I can take the name of one who is no man.”

A Beduin having lost a camel, made an oath that when he found it he would sell it for one diram. When however he found it, repenting of his oath, he tied a cat to its neck, and called out: “Who will buy the camel for one diram and the cat for a hundred dirams; but both together, as I will not part them.” “How cheap,” said a person who had arrived there, “would be this camel, had it not this collar attached to its neck!”

A Beduin who had lost a camel, proclaimed: “Whoever brings me my camel shall have two camels as a reward.” “Out, man!” said they to him; “what kind of business is this? Is the whole ass load of less value than a small additional bundle laid upon it?” “You have this excuse for your words,” replied he, “that you have never tasted the pleasure of finding, and the sweetness of recovering what has been lost.”

A Khalíf was partaking of food with an Arab from the desert. During the repast as his glance fell upon the Arab’s portion he saw in it a hair, and said: “O Arab, take that hair out of thy food.” The Arab exclaimed: “It is impossible to eat at the table of one who looks so at his guest’s portion as to perceive a hair in it.” Then withdrawing his hand he swore never again to partake of food at his table.

A weaver left a deposit in the house of a learned man. After a few days had elapsed, finding some necessity for it, he paid him a visit and found him seated at the door of his house giving instruction to a number of pupils who were standing in a row before him. “O Professor,” said the man, “I am in want of the deposit which I left.” “Be seated a moment,” replied the other, “until I have finished the lesson.” The weaver sat down, but the lesson lasted a long time and he was pressed for time. Now that learned man had a habit when giving lessons, of wagging his head, and the weaver seeing this, and fancying that to give a lesson was merely to wag the head, said: “Rise up, O Professor, and make me thy deputy till thy return: let me wag my head in place of thee, and do thou bring out my deposit, for I am in a hurry.” The learned man, hearing this, laughed and said:

From a collection called The Pleasantries of Cogia Nasr Eddin Effendi, the typical noodle of the Turks.

Cogia Effendi one day went into a garden, pulled up some carrots and turnips and other kinds of vegetables, which he found, putting some into a sack and some into his bosom; suddenly the gardener coming up, laid hold of him, and said, “What are you seeking here?” The Cogia, being in great consternation, not finding any other reply, answered, “For some days past a great wind has been blowing, and that wind blew me hither.” “But who pulled up these vegetables,” said the gardener? “As the wind blew very violently,” replied the Cogia, “it cast me here and there, and whatever I laid hold of in the hope of saving myself remained in my hands.” “Ah,” said the gardener, “but who filled the sack with them?” “Well,” said the Cogia, “that is the very question I was about to ask myself when you came up.”

One day Cogia Nasr Eddin Effendi said, “O Mussulmen, give thanks to God Most High that He did not give the camel wings; for, had He given them, they would have perched upon your houses and chimneys, and have caused them to tumble upon your heads.”

One day the, Cogia saw a great many ducks playing on the top of a fountain. The Cogia, running towards them, said, “I’ll catch you”; whereupon they all rose up and took to flight. The Cogia, taking a little bread in his hand, sat down on the side of the fountain, and crumbling the bread in the fountain, fell to eating. A person coming up, said, “What are you eating?” “Duck broth,” replied the Cogia.

One day the Cogia went with Cheragh Ahmed to the den of a wolf, in order to see the cubs. Said the Cogia to Ahmed: “Do you go in.” Ahmed did so. The old wolf was abroad, but presently returning, tried to get into the cave to its young. When it was about half way in the Cogia seized hard hold of it by the tail. The wolf in its struggles cast a quantity of dust into the eyes of Ahmed. “Hallo, Cogia,” he cried, “What does this dust mean.” “If the wolf’s tail breaks,” said the Cogia, “You’ll soon see what the dust means.”

One day a thief got into the Cogia’s house. Cries his wife, “O Cogia, there is a thief in the house.” “Don’t make any disturbance,” says the Cogia. “I wish to God that he may find something, so that I may take it from him.”

Cogia Effendi, every time he returned to his house, was in the habit of bringing a piece of liver, which his wife always gave to a common woman, placing before the Cogia leavened patties to eat when he came home in the evening. One day the Cogia said, “O wife, every day I bring home a liver: where do they all go to?” “The cat runs away with all of them,” replied the wife. Therefore the Cogia getting up, put his hatchet in the trunk and locked it up. Says his wife to the Cogia, “For fear of whom do you lock up the hatchet?” “For fear of the cat,” replied the Cogia. “What should the cat do with the hatchet?” said the wife. “Why,” replied the Cogia, “as he takes a fancy to the liver, which costs two aspres, is it not likely that he will take a fancy to the hatchet, which costs four?”

One day the Cogia, being out on a journey, encamped along with a caravan, and tied up his horse along with the others. When it was morning the Cogia could not find his horse amongst the rest, not knowing how to distinguish it; forthwith taking a bow and arrow in his hand, he said, “Men, men, I have lost my horse.” Every one laughing, took his own horse; and the Cogia looking, saw a horse which he instantly knew to be his own. Forthwith placing his right foot in the stirrup, he mounted the horse, so that his face looked to the horse’s tail. “O Cogia,” said they, “why do you mount the horse the wrong way?” “It is not my fault,” said he, “but the horse’s, for the horse is left-handed.”

One day as the Cogia was travelling in the Derbend he met a shepherd. Said the shepherd to the Cogia. “Art thou a faquir?” “Yes,” said the Cogia. Said the shepherd, “See these seven men who are lying here, they were men like you whom I killed because they could not answer questions which I asked. Now, in the first place let us come to an understanding; if you can answer my questions let us hold discourse, if not, let us say nothing.” Says the Cogia, “What may your questions be?” Said the shepherd, “The moon, when it is new, is small, afterwards it increases, until it looks like a wheel; after the fifteenth, it diminishes, and does not remain; then again, there is a little one, of the size of Hilal, which does remain. Now what becomes of the old moons?” Says the Cogia. “How is it that you don’t know a thing like that? They take those old moons and make lightning of them, have you not seen them when the heaven thunders, glittering like so many swords?” “Bravo, Fakeer,” said the shepherd. “Well art thou acquainted with the matter, I had come to the same conclusion myself.”

One day the Cogia’s wife, in order to plague the Cogia, boiled some broth exceedingly hot, brought it into the room and placed it on the table. The wife then, forgetting that it was hot, took a spoon and put some into her mouth, and, scalding herself, began to shed tears. “O, wife,” said the Cogia, “what is the matter with you; is the broth hot?” “Dear Efendy,” said the wife, “my mother, who is now dead loved broth very much; I thought of that, and wept on her account.” The Cogia thinking that what she said was truth, took a spoonful of the broth and burning his mouth began to cry and bellow. “What is the matter with you,” said his wife; “why do you cry?” Said the Cogia, “You cry because your mother is gone, but I cry because her daughter is here.”

One day a man came to the house of the Cogia and asked him to lend him his ass. “He is not at home,” replied the Cogia. But it so happened that the ass began to bray within. “O Cogia Efendy,” said the man, “you say that the ass is not at home, and there he is braying within.” “What a strange fellow you are!” said the Cogia. “You believe the ass, but will not believe a grey bearded man like me.”

One day the Cogia roasted a goose, and set out in order to carry it to the Emperor. On the way, feeling very hungry, he cut off one leg and ate it. Coming into the presence of the Emperor, he placed the goose before him. On seeing it, Tamerlank said to himself, “The Cogia is making game of me,” and was very angry, and demanded, “How happens it that this goose has but one foot?” Said the Cogia, “In our country all the geese have only one foot. If you disbelieve me, look at the geese by the side of that fountain.” Now at that time there was a flock of geese by the rim of the fountain, all of whom were standing on one leg. Timour instantly ordered that all the drummers should at once play up; the drummers began to strike with their sticks, and forthwith all the geese stood on both legs. On Timour saying, “Don’t you see that they have two legs?” the Cogia replied, “If you keep up that drumming you yourself will presently have four.”

One day the Cogia’s wife, having washed the Cogia’s kaftan, hung it upon a tree to dry; the Cogia going out saw, as he supposed, a man standing in the tree with his arms stretched out. Says the Cogia to his wife, “O wife, go and fetch me my bow and arrow.” His wife fetched and brought them to him; the Cogia taking an arrow, shot it and pierced the kaftan and stretched it on the ground; then returning, he made fast his door and lay down to sleep. Going out in the morning he saw that what he had shot was his own kaftan; thereupon, sitting down, he cried aloud, “O God, be thanked; if I had been in it I should have certainly been killed.”

One day as the Cogia was going to his house, he met a number of students, and said to them, “Gentlemen, pray this night come to our house and taste a sup of the old father’s broth.” “Very good,” said the students, and following the Cogia, came to the house. “Pray enter,” said he, and brought them into the house, then going up to where his wife was, “O wife,” said he, “I have brought some travellers that we may give them a cup of broth.” “O master,” said his wife, “is there oil in the house or rice, or have you brought any that you wish to have broth?” “Bless me,” said the Cogia, “give me the broth pan,” and snatching it up, he forthwith ran to where the students were, and exclaimed, “Pray, pardon me gentlemen, but had there been oil or rice in our house, this is the pan in which I would have served the broth up to you.”

One day the Cogia going into a person’s garden climbed up into an apricot tree and began to eat the apricots. The master coming said, “Cogia, what are you doing here?” “Dear me,” said the Cogia, “don’t you see that I am a nightingale sitting in the apricot tree?” Said the gardener, “Let me hear you sing.” The Cogia began to warble. Whereupon the other fell to laughing, and said: “Do you call that singing?” “I am a Persian nightingale,” said the Cogia, “and Persian nightingales sing in this manner.”

From The Book of Laughable Stories, collected by Gregory Bar Hebræus in the thirteenth century. The collection includes some seven hundred stories taken from the literary products of all the Oriental countries available at that time.

Bazarjamhir said, “When thou dost not know which of two things is the better for thee [to do], take counsel with thy wife and do the opposite of that which she saith, for she will only counsel [thee to do] the things which are injurious to thee.”

A certain woman saw Socrates as they were carrying him along to crucify him, and she wept and said, “Woe is me, for they are about to slay thee without having committed any offence.” And Socrates made answer unto her, saying, “O foolish woman, wouldst thou have me also commit some crime that I might be punished like a criminal?”

Alexander [the Great] saw among the soldiers of his army a man called Alexander who continually took to flight in the time of war, and he said to him, “It is said that upon the ring of Pythagoras there was written, ‘The evil which is not perpetual is better than the good which is not perpetual.’”

It is said that upon the ring of Pythagoras there was written, “The evil which is not perpetual is better than the good which is not perpetual.”

It was said to Socrates, “Which of the irrational animals is not beautiful?” And he replied, “Woman,” referring to her folly.

Another of the sages said, “The members of a man’s household are the moth of his money.”

A certain man who had once been a painter left off painting and became a physician. And when it was said to him, “Why hast thou done this?” he replied, “The errors [made] in painting [all] eyes see and scrutinize; but the mistakes of the healing art the ground covereth.”

Another king was asked by his sages, “To what limit hath thine understanding reached?” And he replied, “To the extent that I believe no man, neither do I put any confidence in any man whatsoever.”

Another king said, “If men only knew how pleasant to me it is to forgive faults there is not one of them who would not commit them.”

A poet said unto a certain avaricious man, “Why dost thou never bid me to a feast with thee?” He replied to him, “Because thou eatest very heartily indeed, besides thou swallowest so hurriedly; and whilst thou art still eating one morsel thou art getting ready for the next.” The poet said to him, “What wouldst thou have then? Wouldst thou have me whilst I am eating one morsel to stand up and bow the knee, and then take another?”

Another sage said, “I hold every man who saith that he hateth riches to be a liar until he establisheth a sure proof thereof from what he hath gathered together, and having established his belief it is, at the same time, quite certain that he is a fool!”

Another miser whilst quarreling violently with his neighbour was asked by a certain man, “Why art thou fighting with him?” He replied to him, “I had eaten a roasted head, and I threw the bones outside my door, so that my friends might rejoice and mine enemies be sorry when they saw in what a luxurious manner I was living; and this fellow rose up and took the bones and threw them before his own door.”

Another poet was questioned by a man concerning a certain miser, saying, “Who eateth with him at his table?” and the poet replied, “Flies.”

To a certain comedian it was said, “When a cock riseth up in the early morning hours, why doth he hold one foot in the air?” He replied, “If he should lift up both feet together he would fall down.”

Another actor went into his house and found a sieve laid upon his couch, and he went and hung himself up on the peg in the wall. His wife said to him, “What is this? Art thou possessed of a devil?” And he said to her, “Nay, but when I saw the sieve in my place, I went to its place.”

Another fool had two hunting dogs, one black and the other white. And the governor said to him, “Give me one of them.” The man said to him, “Which of them dost thou want?” and the governor said, “The black one.” The man said, “The black one I love more than the white,” and the governor replied, “Then give me the white one.” And the foolish man said to him, “The white one I love more than both put together.”

Another fool said, “My father went twice to Jerusalem, and there did he die and was buried, but I do not know which time he died, whether it was during the first visit or the last.”

When another fool was told, “Thy ass is stolen,” he said, “Blessed be God that I was not upon him.”

Another silly man buried some zûzê coins in the plain, and made a fragment of a cloud a mark of the place where it was. And some days after he came to carry away the money, but could not find the place to do so, and he said, “Consider now; the zûzê were in the ground, and they must have been carried away by some people. For who can steal the cloud which is in the sky? And what arm could reach there unto? This matter is one worthy to be wondered at.”

Another simpleton was asked, “How many days’ journey is it between Aleppo and Damascus?” and he replied, “Twelve; six to go and six to come back.”

Another silly man having gone on a journey to carry on his trade wrote to his father, saying, “I have been ill with a very grievous sickness, and if any one else had been in my place he would not have been able to live.” And his father made him answer, saying, “Believe me, my son, if thou hadst died thou wouldst have grieved me sadly, and I would never have spoken to thee again in the whole course of my life.”

A certain lunatic put on a skin cloak with the hairy side outwards, and when people asked him why he did so, he replied, “If God had known that it was better to have the hairy side of the skin cloak inwards, He would not have created the wool on the outside of the sheep.”

Another fool owned a house together with some other folk, and he said one day, “I want to sell the half of it which is my share and buy the other half, so that the whole building may be mine.”

From earliest times the stupid or blundering fellow has been the butt of his comrades’ shafts of wit or sarcasm.

The feeling of superiority, so delightful to the human mind, found easy expression in jeering at the discomfiture of the noodle.

More often than not, noodle stories are told of residents of some particular locality or district, whose people are looked upon as simpletons. Doubtless this originally meant merely country people, who were provincial or outlandish compared to the city bred.

But as the Greeks chose Bœotia for their noodle colony and the Persians guyed the people of Emessa, so each country has had a location or a community for its laughing stock down to the Gothamites of the English.

As a rule the same noodle stories are found in many languages, and only an exhaustive study of comparative folk lore can adequately consider the various tales.

As an instance, there is the story, of Eastern origin, that may be found in the booby tales of all nations. It has come down in late years in the form of a play, called in a German version, “Der Tisch Ist Gedeckt” and in an English form, “The Obstinate Family.”

In the Arabian tale,

A blockhead, having married his pretty cousin, gave the customary feast to their relations and friends. When the festivities were over, he conducted his guests to the door, and from absence of mind neglected to shut it before returning to his wife. “Dear cousin,” said his wife to him when they were alone, “go and shut the street door.” “It would be strange indeed,” he replied, “if I did such a thing. Am I just made a bridegroom, clothed in silk, wearing a shawl and a dagger set with diamonds, and am I to go and shut the door? Why, my dear, you are crazy. Go and shut it yourself.” “Oh, indeed!” exclaimed the wife. “Am I, young, robed in a dress, with lace and precious stones—am I to go and shut the street door? No, indeed! It is you who are become crazy, and not I. Come, let us make a bargain,” she continued; “and let the first who speaks go and fasten the door.” “Agreed,” said the husband, and immediately he became mute, and the wife too was silent, while they both sat down, dressed as they were in their nuptial attire, looking at each other and seated on opposite sofas. Thus they remained for two hours. Some thieves happened to pass by, and seeing the door open, entered and laid hold of whatever came to their hands. The silent couple heard footsteps in the house, but opened not their mouths. The thieves came into the room and saw them seated motionless and apparently indifferent to all that might take place. They continued their pillage, therefore, collecting together everything valuable, and even dragging away the carpets from beneath them; they laid hands on the noodle and his wife, taking from their persons every article of jewellery, while they, in fear of losing the wager, said not a word. Having thus cleared the house, the thieves departed quietly, but the pair continued to sit, uttering not a syllable. Towards morning a police officer came past on his tour of inspection, and seeing the door open, walked in. After searching all the rooms and finding no person, he entered their apartment, and inquired the meaning of what he saw. Neither of them would condescend to reply. The officer became angry, and ordered their heads to be cut off. The executioner’s sword was about to perform its office, when the wife cried out, “Sir, he is my husband. Do not kill him!” “Oh, oh,” exclaimed the husband, overjoyed and clapping his hands, “you have lost the wager; go and shut the door.” He then explained the whole affair to the police officer, who shrugged his shoulders and went away.

Another story, known in a score of variants is found in a collection of tales of the Kabaïl, Algeria, to this effect:

The mother of a youth of the Beni Jennad clan gave him a hundred reals to buy a mule; so he went to market, and on his way met a man carrying a water melon for sale. “How much for the melon?” he asks. “What will you give?” says the man. “I have only got a hundred reals,” answered the booby; “had I more, you should have it.” “Well,” rejoined the man, “I’ll take them.” Then the youth took the melon and handed over the money. “But tell me,” says he, “will its young one be as green as it is?” “Doubtless,” answered the man, “it will be green.” As the booby was going home, he allowed the melon to roll down a slope before him. It burst on its way, when up started a frightened hare. “Go to my house, young one,” he shouted. “Surely a green animal has come out of it.” And when he got home, he inquired of his mother if the young one had arrived.

Other stories of boobies or simpletons follow, taken here and there from the enormous mass of humorous literature on this theme.

Yet noodles are not always witless fools.

The principle of the humor in such tales is merely and only the superiority complex, that loves to laugh good naturedly or with a contemptuous tolerance at the speech or actions of those less clever than itself. It is the attitude of the cognoscenti toward,

as W. S. Gilbert puts it.

One day some men were walking by the riverside, and came to a place where the contrary currents caused the water to boil as in a whirlpool. “See how the water boils!” says one. “If we had plenty of oatmeal,” says another, “we might make enough porridge to serve all the village for a month.” So it was resolved that part of them should go to the village and fetch their oatmeal, which was soon brought and thrown into the river. But there presently arose the question of how they were to know when the porridge was ready. This difficulty was overcome by the offer of one of the company to jump in, and it was agreed that if he found it ready for use, he should signify the same to his companions. The man jumped in, and found the water deeper than he expected. Thrice he rose to the surface, but said nothing. The others, impatient at his remaining so long silent, and seeing him smack his lips, took this for an avowal that the porridge was good, and so they all jumped in after him and were drowned.

A poor old woman used to beg her food by day and cook it at night. Half of the food she would eat in the morning, and the other half in the evening. After a while a cat got to know of this arrangement, and came and ate the meal for her. The old woman was very patient, but at last could no longer endure the cat’s impudence, and so she laid hold of it. She argued with herself as to whether she should kill it or not. “If I slay it,” she thought, “it will be a sin; but if I keep it alive, it will be to my heavy loss.” So she determined only to punish it. She procured some cotton wool and some oil, and soaking the one in the other, tied it on to the cat’s tail and then set it on fire. Away rushed the cat across the yard, up the side of the window, and on to the roof, where its flaming tail ignited the thatch and set the whole house on fire. The flames soon spread to other houses, and the whole village was destroyed.

Not a few of the Bizarrures of the Sieur Gaulard are the prototypes of bulls and foolish sayings of the typical Irishman, which go their ceaseless rounds in popular periodicals, and are even audaciously reproduced as original in our “comic” journals. To cite some examples:

A friend one day told M. Gaulard that the Dean of Besançon was dead. “Believe it not,” said he, “for had it been so he would have told me himself, since he writes to me about everything.”

M. Gaulard asked his secretary one evening what hour it was. “Sir,” replied the secretary, “I cannot tell you by the dial, because the sun is set.” “Well,” quoth M. Gaulard, “and can you not see by the candle?”

On another occasion the Sieur called from his bed to a servant desiring him to see if it was daylight yet. “There is no sign of daylight,” said the servant. “I do not wonder,” rejoined the Sieur, “that thou canst not see day, great fool as thou art. Take a candle and look with it out at the window, and thou shalt see whether it be day or not.”

In a strange house, the Sieur found the walls of his bed chamber full of great holes. “This,” exclaimed he in a rage, “is the cursedest chamber in all the world. One may see day all the night through.”

Travelling in the country, his man, to gain the fairest way, rode through a field sowed with pease, upon which M. Gaulard cried to him, “Thou knave, wilt thou burn my horse’s feet? Dost thou not know that about six weeks ago I burned my mouth with eating pease, they were so hot?”

A poor man complained to him that he had had a horse stolen from him. “Why did you not mark his visage,” asked M. Gaulard, “and the clothes he wore?” “Sir,” said the man, “I was not there when he was stolen.” Quoth the Sieur, “You should have left somebody to ask him his name, and in what place he resided.”

M. Gaulard felt the sun so hot in the midst of a field at noontide in August that he asked of those about him, “What means the sun to be so hot? How should it not keep its heat till winter, when it is cold weather?”

A proctor, discoursing with M. Gaulard, told him that a dumb, deaf, or blind man could not make a will but with certain additional forms. “I pray you,” said the Sieur, “give me that in writing, that I may send it to a cousin of mine who is lame.”

One day a friend visited the Sieur and found him asleep in his chair. “I slept,” said he, “only to avoid idleness; for I must always be doing something.”

The Abbé of Poupet complained to him that the moles had spoiled a fine meadow, and he could find no remedy for them. “Why, cousin,” said M. Gaulard, “it is but paving your meadow, and the moles will no more trouble you.”

M. Gaulard had a lackey belonging to Auvergne, who robbed him of twelve crowns and ran away, at which he was very angry, and said he would have nothing that came from that country. So he ordered all that was from Auvergne to be cast out of the house, even his mule; and to make the animal more ashamed, he caused his servants to take off its shoes and its saddle and bridle.

Among the cases decided by a Turkish Kází, two men came before him one of whom complained that the other had almost bit his ear off. The accused denied this, and declared that the fellow had bit his own ear. After pondering the matter for some time, the judge told them to come again two hours later. Then he went into his private room, and attempted to bring his ear and his mouth together; but all he did was to fall backwards and break his head. Wrapping a cloth round his head, he returned to court, and the two men coming in again presently, he thus decided the question: “No man can bite his own ear, but in trying to do so he may fall down and break his head.”

The typical noodle of the Turks, the Khoja Nasru ’d-Dín, quoted above as Cogia Nasr Eddin Effendi, is said to have been a subject of the independent prince of Karaman, at whose capital, Konya, he resided, and he is represented as a contemporary of Timúr (Tamerlane), in the middle of the fourteenth century. The pleasantries which are ascribed to him are for the most part common to all countries, but some are probably of genuine Turkish origin. To cite a few specimens: The Khoja’s wife said to him one day, “Make me a present of a kerchief of red Yemen silk, to put on my head.” The Khoja stretched out his arms and said, “Like that? Is that large enough?” On her replying in the affirmative he ran off to the bazaar, with his arms still stretched out, and meeting a man on the road, he bawled to him, “Look where you are going, O man, or you will cause me to lose my measure!”

One evening the Khoja went to the well to draw water, and seeing the moon reflected in the water, he exclaimed, “The moon has fallen into the well; I must pull it out.” So he let down the rope and hook, and the hook became fastened to a stone, whereupon he exerted all his strength, and the rope broke, and he fell upon his back. Looking into the sky, he saw the moon, and cried out joyfully, “Praise be to Allah! I am sorely bruised, but the moon has got into its place again.”

The Chinese have a story of a lady who had been recently married, and on the third day saw her husband returning home, so she slipped quietly behind him and gave him a hearty kiss. The husband was annoyed, and said she offended all propriety. “Pardon! pardon!” said she. “I did not know it was you.”

Indian fiction abounds in stories of simpletons, and probably the oldest extant drolleries of the Gothamite type are found in the J[.a]takas, or Buddhist Birth stories. Assuredly they were own brothers to our mad men of Gotham, the Indian villagers who, being pestered by mosquitoes when at work in the forest, bravely resolved, according to J[.a]taka 44, to take their bows and arrows and other weapons and make war upon the troublesome insects until they had shot dead or cut in pieces every one; but in trying to shoot the mosquitoes they only shot, struck, and injured one another. And nothing more foolish is recorded of the Schildburgers than Somadeva relates, in his Kathá Sarit Ságara, of the simpletons who cut down the palm-trees: Being required to furnish the king with a certain quantity of dates, and perceiving that it was very easy to gather the dates of a palm which had fallen down of itself, they set to work and cut down all the date-palms in their village, and having gathered from them their whole crop of dates, they raised them up and planted them again, thinking they would grow.

In Málava there were two Bráham brothers, and the wealth inherited from their father was left jointly between them. And while they were dividing that wealth they quarrelled about one having too little and the other having too much, and they made a teacher learned in the Vedas arbitrator, and he said to them, “You must divide everything your father left into two halves, so that you may not quarrel about the inequality of the division.” When the two fools heard this, they divided every single thing into two equal parts—house, beds, in fact, all their property, including their cattle.

Henry Stephens (Henri Estienne), in the Introduction to his Apology for Herodotus, relates some very amusing noodle-stories, such as of him who, burning his shins before the fire, and not having wit enough to go back from it, sent for masons to remove the chimney; of the fool who ate the doctor’s prescription, because he was told to “take it”; of another wittol who, having seen one spit upon iron to try whether it was hot, did likewise with his porridge; and, best of all, he tells of a fellow who was hit on the back with a stone as he rode upon his mule, and cursed the animal for kicking him. This last exquisite jest has its analogue in that of the Irishman who was riding on an ass one fine day, when the beast, by kicking at the flies that annoyed him, got one of its hind feet entangled in the stirrup, whereupon the rider dismounted, saying, “Faith, if you’re going to get up, it’s time I was getting down.”

The poet Ovid alludes to the story of Ino persuading the women of the country to roast the wheat before it was sown, which may have come to India through the Greeks, since we are told in the Kathá Sarit S[.a]gara of a foolish villager who one day roasted some sesame seeds, and finding them nice to eat, he sowed a large quantity of roasted seeds, hoping that similar ones would come up. The story also occurs in Coelho’s Contes Portuguezes, and is probably of Buddhistic origin. An analogous story is told of an Irishman who gave his hens hot water, in order that they should lay boiled eggs!

Few folk-tales are more widely diffused than that of the man who set out in quest of as great noodles as those of his own household. The details may be varied more or less, but the fundamental outline is identical, wherever the story is found; and, whether it be an instance of the transmission of popular tales from one country to another, or one of those “primitive fictions” which are said to be the common heritage of the Aryans, its independent development by different nations and in different ages cannot be reasonably maintained.

Thus, in one Gaelic version of this diverting story—in which our old friends the Gothamites reappear on the scene to enact their unconscious drolleries—a lad marries a farmer’s daughter, and one day while they are all busily engaged in peat cutting, she is sent to the house to fetch the dinner. On entering the house, she perceives the speckled pony’s packsaddle hanging from the roof, and says to herself, “Oh, if that packsaddle were to fall and kill me, what should I do?” and here she began to cry, until her mother, wondering what could be detaining her, comes, when she tells the old woman the cause of her grief, whereupon the mother, in her turn, begins to cry, and when the old man next comes to see what is the matter with his wife and daughter, and is informed about the speckled pony’s packsaddle, he too, “mingles his tears” with theirs. At last the young husband arrives, and finding the trio of noodles thus grieving at an imaginary misfortune, he there and then leaves them, declaring his purpose not to return until he has found three as great fools as themselves. In the course of his travels he meets with some strange folks: men whose wives make them believe whatever they please—one, that he is dead; another, that he is clothed, when he is stark naked; a third, that he is not himself. He meets with the twelve fishers who always miscounted their number; the noodles who went to drown an eel in the sea; and a man trying to get his cow on the roof of his house, in order that she might eat the grass growing there.