Act 3 — SCENE IV.
Reading edition
Enter Quartfield and Salewit.
Quart. How now, mad lads; what! is the storm broke up? Sale. What, sad, like broken gamesters! Master Timothy, 'Slight, who would think your father should lay wheels[239] To catch you thus? Tim. If ever I be drunk with captains more—— Plot. Where's Bright and Newcut? Sale. They were sent for to the Temple, but left word They would be here at supper. Plot. They are sure friends to leave us in distress. Quart. What a mad plot These two old merchants had contriv'd, to feign A voyage, then to hunt you out disguised, And hear themselves abused? Sale. We heard all. Quart. If I had stay'd, they had paid me for a captain. Sale. They had a fling at me. But do you think Your uncle in this furious mood will marry? Plot. He deeply swore it: if he do, the sleight Upon the cards, the hollow die, Park Corner And Shooter's Hill, are my revenue. Tim. Yes: and as for me, my destiny will be To fight by th' day, carry my kitchen and Collation at my back, wear orderly My shirt in course, after't has been the shift Of a whole regiment in the low countries; And, after all, return with half a leg, One arm, perchance my nose shot off, to move Compassion in my father who, in pity To so much ruin, may be brought to buy Some place for me in an hospital, to keep me From bridges, hill-tops, and from selling switches.
Enter Roseclap.
Rose. Yonder's your uncle at the field-door, talking With Bannswright, as hot and earnest for a wench As a recover'd Monsieur. Quart. What is this Bannswright? Sale. A fellow much employed about the town, That contrives matches: one that brings together Parties that never saw or never met, Till't be for good and all; knows to a penny Estates and jointures: I'll undertake he has Now lying by him (unprovided) some twenty Widows of all fortunes that want husbands, And men that want wives; and, at an hour's warning, Can make things ready for the priest. Quart. Let us Devise to get him hither, and cross the match. Plot. I have great interest in him; the fellow loves me. Could I speak with him, and draw him to be An actor in't, I have a stratagem That can redeem all, and turn the plot Upon these sage heads.
Enter Bannswright.
Sale. By Minerva, look! here's Bannswright! Plot. Master Bannswright! Ban. Save you, gallants. Plot. You are employed, I hear, to find a wife out For my young sprightly uncle. Ban. Sir, he has Retain'd me to that purpose: I just now Came from him. Plot. And do you mean the match Shall then proceed? Ban. I have a lieger[240] wench In readiness: he's gone to put himself Into fit ornaments for the solemnity. I'm to provide the priest and licence: we go Some two hours hence to church. Quart. Death! you pander, Forbid the banns, or I will cut your wizzel,[241] And spoil your squiring in the dark. I've heard Of your lewd function, sirrah! You prefer Wenches to bawdy-houses, rascal! Ban. Good sir, Threaten me not in my vocation. Plot. Why, Bannswright, you can be but paid. Say I Procure the wench, a friend of mine, and double Your bargain. Such a fair reward, methinks, Should make thee of my project. Thou dost know My fortunes are engaged, and thou may'st be The happy instrument to recover 'em. Be my good angel once! I have a plot Shall make thee famous. Quart. By Mars, deny, and I Will act a tragedy upon thee. Ban. Gentlemen, I am a friend to wit, but more to you, sir, Of whose misfortunes I will not be guilty. Though, then, your uncle has employ'd me, and Has deeply sworn to wed this afternoon A wife of my providing, if you can O'erreach the angry burgess, sir, and bring His wisdom to the gin, show me the way; I'll help to lay the trap. Quart. Now thou art An honest-hearted pimp: thou shalt for this Be drunk in Vine-dee,[242] rascal; I'll begin A runlet to thee. Ban.[243] Gentlemen, let's in, I'll tell you my design. You, Salewit, must Transform yourself to a French deacon: I Have parts for Bright and Newcut too. Mischief Upon their absence! Sale. We'll send for 'em. Ban. And for Master Timothy, I have a project Shall make his father everlastingly Admire his wit, and ask him blessing. Quart. Come, Let's in and drink a health to our success. Tim. I'm for no healths, unless the glass be less. [Exeunt.