AUTHOR’S FOREWORD

I have purposely changed the names and localities in the following reminiscences; but doubtless there are people still living who will know they are all true.

Your Humble Servant, ERIC HORNE.

PUBLISHER’S NOTE

The Publishers had thought of putting this biography into more conventional form before sending it to press, but on reconsideration they decided that, as it was such a real human document, it would be better to print it in the exact form in which it was received from the author.

CONTENTS

PAGE

FOREWORD v

CHAPTER I ‘You cannot make a Silk Purse out of a Souced Mackerel’—The Big House Fifty Years Ago—Two Matched Footmen—The Swells Lounging in Their Copious Chairs—‘It requires the Temper of an Angel’—‘Slavey Markets’—A Question for the Gentry—A Mistrustful Bos—A well thought-out Plan of Robbery—Engenuity worthy of a Better Cause—A Gallon of Beer to Compensate—My Early Days—Poor but very Proud Parents—Bread a Shilling a Loaf—A Strain of Fighting Blood—The Mysteries of Music—To Blow out Mother’s Copper—An Old Horse Pistol—My Wet Clothes—Phneumonia—‘Out Oars’—My Father’s Way of Settling Matters—Pleased to Earn a Shilling—Enjoying the Evening Air—What Ho!—Choir Boys—‘I Didn’t Throw the Stone’—‘Your Boy is a Dam Nuisance’—In a Fine Pickle. 1

CHAPTER II My Mother Made Me an Eton Jacket—I Go to Work for a Printer—Our Weekly Allowance of Hair Oil—The Page Boy—I Become Odd Boy at a Doctor’s—A Dare Devil Footman—The Black Pony—I Get a Whiging—W. G. Grace was There—A Grand Stand of Our Own—Mrs. Vicar had been on the Rummage—He Filled the Half-Lemon with Cayenne—The Cook Gave Me a Good Scrubbing—I am put into Footman’s Livery—I carry Her Books Behind Her—Why Footman are Pasty-faced—The Cook Disappears—The Housemaids’ Room. 29

CHAPTER III I go as Footman to Eastbourne—I Join a Torchlight Procession—‘Unposted Letters’—‘I Learn to do Crochet Work’ I go as Second Footman to a Baronet—Sixty-three Lamps to Clean—The ‘Pugs’—Rules in the Servants’ Hall—Sunday Dinner—An Enormous Funeral—A Dishonest Hoax—I go to London to Look for a Place—‘Not Right for London Wear’—Service with a Baron—An Old Elizabethan Mansion—‘Parting the Baron’s Hair’—‘A Goodly Company in the Servants’ Hall’—A Kiss—Housekeepers in Those Days—Sunday Service in Church—Where the Menservants Sleep—‘Teasing the Under Butler’—‘Nearly Caught’—‘A Tight Squeeze.’ 45

CHAPTER IV ‘A Grilled Bone for Tea’—The Baronial Household—‘Waiting on Other Servants’—‘Our Dress Liveries’—Preparation for the Great Ball—Cleaning the Windows of the Dressing-room—Our Chef—Some Other Chefs—Gentry and Foreign Servants—‘Entering the Wrong Room’—‘The Lady in the Bath’—After the Ball—‘A Patent Handle Required’—‘A Punting Party on the Lake’—The Maids in the Water—The Baron in Town—Servants and the London Season—Falling Asleep on the Box—‘A Footman’s Duties’—Entertaining Poor Relations—Tips—The Parson and the Trousers—A Pillow Fight—I Give Notice—I Lose my Father—A Garden Party—Nearly Drowned. 62

CHAPTER V I go Back to Town—A Set-back—The Prince and the Christmas Pudding—At the Registry Office—I Try a Job on the Railway—Happy Though Oily—An Accident—Another Close Shave—The End of my Railway Experiences—I Become Under-Butler to an Earl—How to Polish Silver—Smart Liveries—The Butler’s Dignity—Everything Like Clockwork—The Castle and its Three Drawbridges—The Earl Falls in the Moat—Keeping up Old Customs—Christmas Morning—‘Red Face Day’—Hot-Spiced Ale and the Village Band—The Servants’ Dances—‘One Great Big Happy Family’—Theatricals at the Castle—‘I Play to the Gallery’—An Encore—Jealous Gentry—The Flight of a Melon—Photo Lessons. 80

CHAPTER VI Sports in the Park—The Valet’s Black Thumb—Having to Wait at Dinner—Visiting Valets—A Striking Livery—Hair-powdering—Borrowing Servants—Betting in the Servants’ Hall—The Butler who came a Cropper—The Empty Chest—We go to Scotland—My High Bicycle—The Earl’s Scotch Household—Shooting Parties—The Lost Jewell Case—The Six Pipers—The Servant’s Knife, Fork and Spoon—Queuing up for Whiskey—The Footman and the Ham—The Marquis and the Port—I Catch a Salmon—Trolling with the Keepers—A Salmon-Fishing Stunt—Family Prayers. 97

CHAPTER VII Life as a Valet—Smart as his Master—‘A Lively Week Visiting an Earl’—The Farmer’s Ball—Charge of the Cloak-Room—Dinner for Five Hundred—Busy with my Camera—A Thousand Gallon Tun of Ale—A Dance in the Steward’s Room—‘But I Got Nothing!’—What Became of the Hall Porter—A Grand Show—An Effeminate Young Gentleman—The Great Banqueting Hall—‘Not Responsible for Visitors’ Luggage’—At the Castle of a Duke—A Noble Lord who could not Bear Light—I Get Another Place—My New Master’s Gift of Language—A Royal Duke Gets the Palm—Loading for Sir Cayenne—Sir Cayenne at a Luncheon Party—‘Learning Him to Bicycle’—‘I Can’t Bear the Sight of Blood’—Luncheon in a Hurry—Compensations—A Poacher—‘Letting Out’—Dressing for Dinner—I Keep Near the Poker—Regret. 119

CHAPTER VIII ‘My New Bos’—Well Hated by Everyone—‘His God was his Clothes’—The Duke of Cambridge at a Shooting Party—‘Where’s the Lark Pudding?’—The Duke and my Gun—A Fad of the Noble Lord—Frozen Beer—Pigs With Pimples—Trout-fishing with a Worm—At an Hotel with the Noble Lord—Not a Married Butler’s Place—‘Can’t Get up in the Morning’—The Curate Too Late—My First Place as Butler—A Typical M.P.—‘The House is Falling Down’—Rights! What Rights!—Service with a Duchess—A Demoralised Place—‘Duty be Damned’—‘They Knew Her Ways’—At the Telephone—‘The Second-raters’—‘They were a Thirsty Lot’—‘Sucking at the Empty Bottles.’ 138

CHAPTER IX Trials of a Butler—Giving the Footmen a Chance—‘You Can Dam Well Stop Out’—‘Where the Footmen’s Laugh Comes In’—Friends of the Gentry—‘The Cook Don’t Lay the Cloth’—‘Pull Down the Blind’—Some Dirty Work Somewhere—I Go as Butler-Valet—The Trouble with my New Bos—‘I Asked you for Whiskey’—At His Club—On the Yacht—Life on the Moors—Shooting White Hares—‘£50 to the One who Marries First’—An Explosion—Footman with Religious Mania—Free Supper for Converts—A Dose of Cayenne Pepper—‘It Takes a Man to get Sober’—We send for the Doctor—No rest at Home—Fetching Him from the Club—‘Dead to the World’—Refuses Cocoa. 158

CHAPTER X A Tour Abroad—‘Walking to the Pyrinees’—Return to London—Alas!—‘Where Shall I Look for Him?’—Something to Stop his Craving—A Crowd Round the Door—Dead—A Butler with a Peppermint in his Speech—‘Light Up’—A Tableau—‘Take the Butler Away’—The Old-Time Butler—I Look for a Job—A Titled Lady—Service with a Real Gentleman of the Old School—The Cricket Fortnight—‘Don’t you Dare to Run Short of Anything’—Burgundy Cup, Champagne Cup, Moselle Cup—The Valet’s Boast—The Fumes of Whiskey—Shooting Luncheons—The Bos’ Shooting Cap—‘People Often Thought it was the King’—Race Meetings—The Coachman in the Lift—‘A Darned good Run for my Money’—The Valet gets the Sack—The ‘Mongrel’—The Best Employer I Ever Had—A Great Loss—A Break-up—An Experience at the Funeral—The Mistrustful Heir—‘Ornaments off a Christmas Cake!’ 176

CHAPTER XI ‘A Better ’Ole’—A Prince of the Blood Royal—‘A Watch to the Good’—What Servants Talk About—Palm Oil—Alluring Advertisements—Servants must be Caught Young—The Housemaid with a Headache—The Gardener who Courted the Cook—Ascot Races—The Lost Five Pound Note—Suspicion—The Charwoman—A ‘Funny Fish.’ 199

CHAPTER XII I Become Butler to a Marquess—‘Aristocrats of the First Water’—The Marquess Fishes in the Lake—A Large Dinner Party—The Butler and the Toast Rack—The Opening Meet of the Season—A Hunt Breakfast—‘A Sence of Shyness’—‘Refreshments for the Ladies’—‘Jumping Powder’—The Curate on Rib-bones—‘They’re Off’—In at the Death—Clearing-up—The Trayful of Glasses—‘No ‘Sprit de Corps’—The Hounds at the Hunt Breakfast—‘Jacko,’ the Monkey—The Best Bulldog I Ever Saw—The Stingy German Cook—The Lively Footman—‘Why Don’t you Run, Fellow?’—‘Not too Damp for the Butler.’ 214

CHAPTER XIII Service With a Russian Princess—Watched by Spies—First to Build an Aeroplane in England—A Human Tragedy—Loss of Estates—Sale of Jewels—Strike of Servants—Fight with the Butler—Trying to Borrow Money—Butler’s Loan—‘A Splash of Loyalty’—‘Rotten Swank’—My Wife goes Blind—I try to get other Employment—A Shot at Taxi-driving—Difficulties of Test—A Knock-down Blow—‘That’s it, Smash the Damned Thing’—I Cannot Stand the Outdoor Life—Cost of Taxi Venture—I take a Situation with an Indian Prince—‘They Came to Enjoy Themselves’—‘Another Thirsty Lot’—The Prince at Buckingham Palace—I Act as House Steward—No Order of Regularity—The Chauffeur and his Revolver—Only Good at Smoking Cigarettes—My Son as Footman—Prince Takes House in Scotland—‘Keep a Tighter Hand over the Drink’—Who can eat the most Oysters?—Terribly Ill—An Outing for the Servants—The King and Queen are to Lunch at the Castle—Waiting for Them—The Prince Goes Off to London—‘The King is Coming’—A Scratch Luncheon—The Prince’s Disappointment—An Offer to go to India—How to Treat Servants. 230

CHAPTER XIV A Single-handed Butler’s Place—My Work for the Day—What Would the Trades’ Union Think?—‘No Visitors nor Smoking’—The Extinct Butler—More Interesting Than a Mummy—The Cook who Snuffeled—‘The Old Confidential’—Calamity at Home—‘Servants’ Swank’—‘Always use a Serviette’—I Make a Mistake—The Gentry’s Old Clothes—‘A Game of Flop’—The Gentry’s Children—One Sort of Treatment—‘May They Perish’—The Value of a Kind Word. 250

CHAPTER XV The Duke’s Discontent—The Rich Man’s Chance—‘Only the Scum’—I take Service with an M.P.—An Outcry Against Foreign Servants—‘To Shake Hands with the Common Herd’—Power of Upper Servants—Success of Lying Deceiver—Trials of a Servant’s Life—The National Insurance Scheme—A Noble Lord’s Treatment of Butler and Valet—The Cook gets the Sack—Something About Maidservants—A Cross-eyed Servant?—‘Had I been Three Inches Taller!’—A Butler in the Workhouse—A Clear Conscience—Au Revoir. 261