THE DUTIES OF HUSBANDS and WIVES.

I AM persuaded, it is not possible for me to write any thing so full, so strong, and so clear on this subject, as has been written near an hundred and fifty years ago, by a person of equal sense and piety. I shall therefore only abridge what he has written on the head, with some few alterations and additions. I beseech you all, who are more immediately concerned, to read it with the calmest attention, and with earnest prayer, that what is here written, may be transcribed into your hearts and lives.

CHAP. I. The first duty of the Married, Chastity.

1.THIS duty is so manifest, that no person whatever can pretend ignorance of it. The law of God, the law of nature, and the laws of all well ordered societies enjoin it. The violation of this unties the marriage-knot, and dissolves the marriage-covenant. For our Lord himself, who utterly disallows of other divorces, yet allows divorce in case of adultery. “But may the person wronged admit the wrongdoer again, after the offence is known?” I answer, they may, provided the offender give full, satisfactory proof of amendment. We read not any command to the contrary. But if the offender persist in sin, then the innocent person, having full proof thereof, is bound to withdraw from the sinner.

2. Let any who find strong temptations to this sin, 1. Constantly and conscientiously perform private duties. The blessing of God hereon will make him conqueror, over what before seemed most unconquerable. 2. Be diligent in your calling, that you may have no leisure for inflaming imaginations. It is certain, an idle person, if occasion and constitution serve, will sooner or later prove adulterous. But diligence joined with hearty prayer, will preserve a man pure and undefiled. 3. Be exactly temperate. It is easy to put out the fiercest fire, by withdrawing the fewel. If therefore you would be chaste in your marriage, be sparing in your food. 4. Carefully shun every temptation and all opportunities of sin: especially, shun as a rock the company of any person apt to tempt, or to be tempted; and consider, that the coldest water will be hot, if it be set near the fire.

3. These directions are such as agree to all, married or unmarried. There remains another help peculiar to the former, the due use of marriage. The ordinances of God will answer their end, if our abuse of them do not hinder. Now God has ordained marriage for this end, among others, to prevent fornication. Wherefore let it be used in the manner it ought, and it will surely answer its end. And in this respect, the wife hath not power over her own body, but the husband. Neither hath the husband power over his own body, but the wife. It is not in the choice of either, whether to live with the other, or not. But they are bound in conscience so to do, and cannot refuse it without grievous sin. There may indeed be a separation for a time, if needful affairs require. But it is not lawful for either the man or the woman to leave the other totally or finally.

4. In this their society two things are to be observed, that it be sanctified and temperate. First, it must be sanctified, that is, made lawful and holy to them by the word of God and prayer. The word of God clearly shews the lawfulness of it. For God has said expresly, Marriage is honourable among all men, and the bed undefiled. But let it also be sanctified or made holy by prayer. Solemnly pray for the blessing of God upon his ordinance, not forgetting to return him particular thanks for his infinite goodness herein. That this is requisite none can deny, that will not deny the authority of St. Paul. For he affirms, that marriage, as well as meat and drink, is sanctified by prayer and thanksgiving. As therefore it is a brutish profaneness, for any man to sit down to his table, as an horse to the manger, without asking the blessing of God first, and to return from it, as a fox from his prey, without praising him that gave him food and appetite; so it is great licentiousness for married persons to come together, as it were brute beasts, without either prayer or thanksgiving. The hope of posterity, the stay of old age, the support of every man’s house, the supply of the church and common-wealth, hang upon the fruit of marriage. Is it then more than needs, to ask the blessing of God in a thing of so great importance? Surely we should bring his curse upon us, were we either to forget it as needless, or despise it as ridiculous. Yea, whereas marriage is instituted in part for the subduing inordinate desires, it cannot answer that end, without God’s blessing; which how can we expect, if we scorn to ask it? Certainly, the men that use marriage in a brutish manner, not seeing God therein, nor sanctifying it to themselves by these means, will thereby become more and more brutish. Wherefore let no man scoff at a duty plainly commanded by God: but let us learn to know the full efficacy of prayer, and to reap the fruit of it in all things.

5. It must, secondly, Be temperate. We are always to remember, God ordained marriage chiefly for the increase of mankind, and not to kindle lustful desires, but to quench them. I confess, we should take great heed of laying snares upon mens consciences, and must be very careful not to bind them, where God has not bound them. But this is a sure rule: the quantity of every thing, must be suited to the end. This being considered, the married are not to provoke desires, but allay them, when they provoke themselves. They must not strive to inflame the passions when they are cool, but when they are moved of themselves, to assuage them. In a word, marriage should be used as sparingly, as consists with the need of the persons married. A temperate use promotes purity: excess inflames lust, and inclines to adultery. Wherefore the foregoing rule should be carefully observed, that the married come no oftener together, than is needful to extinguish natural desires, when they would otherwise become troublesome to them. Now the sanctified use of marriage is also an help to the temperate use of it. But they seldom fail to exceed, who do not take care to make all things holy by prayer and thanksgiving.

6. Perhaps one might add, it should ever be accompanied with chearfulness and willingness. They must neither deny themselves to each other, nor behave with grudging and forwardness; but rather with readiness and all demonstrations of sincere affection. The scripture plainly testifies this, by the very term benevolence or good-will. For no man can call that good-will, which is done churlishly and discontentedly: a behaviour that naturally tends to alienate the heart, and create suspicions of estrangement of affection.

CHAP. II. Of the Love of married Persons.

1.THE marriage-covenant binds all that enter into it, to several other duties, as well as to chastity: but not under the same forfeiture, failing in these breaks God’s command, but does not break the bond of matrimony. No ill-behaviour dissolves this, while we are not wronged as to the marriage-bed. Thou art still an husband or a wife, though thy yoke-fellow is wanting in many duties. Be careful therefore to do thy own part still, however slenderly thou art requited.

2. The duties common to husbands and wives, partly respect themselves, and partly their families. All the former sort may be reduced to two heads, love and the fruits of love. First, Love: their hearts must be united as well as their hands: else their union will be more troublesome than can be imagined. Love is the life and soul of marriage, without which it differs from itself as a carcase from a living body. This makes all things easy, whereas the absence of it makes all things hard. Love seasons and sweetens every state; love composes all controversies. In whomsoever love prevails, to them only marriage is what it should be, a pleasing combination of two persons into one home, one purse; one heart and one flesh. And this love must have two especial properties, first, It must be spiritual; secondly, matrimonial. It must be spiritual in its ground, and in its working. Its chief ground must be the commandment of God. A Christian must love his wife, not only because she is beautiful or loving, but chiefly because God enjoins it. The wife must love her husband, not only because he is handsome, kind or well-behaved, but because God the sovereign of all souls, has commanded women to be lovers of their own husbands. Not the face, portion or good qualities of the married, must be the chief cause of their loving each other, but the will of God; and that affection which stands on this stable foundation will be lasting: while that which stands on any other consideration, will be subject to change every hour. For how can the building stand fast, if the foundation sink away? Either some storm of contention will overthrow that love, or it will fall down of itself thro’ age. Or else it will degenerate into jealousy, the devouring canker-worm, that eats up the hearts of married persons, and consumes or spoils the sweet fruit they may reap. But he that loves his wife, because she is his wife, and God commands him to love her as such, will love her, so long as she is his wife, whatever she prove beside. Thou lovest thy wife, because she is fair, good-humoured, courteous: but what if all these should fail? Thou lovest thy husband, because he is handsome, sensible, kind: but where will thy love be, if these things should alter? You see there is no firmness in that love, which is procured only by these motives. But if thou love thy wife or husband, because God enjoins it, then thy love will be constant and perpetual.

3. This property of love, that it is spiritual, built on the rock of God’s commandment, answers all the objections which many would make against it in their own cases. “Who, says a man, can love such a wife?” “And what wife, says a woman, can love such an husband?” I answer, a man whose affection is spiritual, can love even such a wife. And the woman who has attained to spiritual love finds it possible to love even such an husband.

4. But as the ground of their love must be spiritual, so must also the working thereof. It must seek the spiritual good of the person beloved, by every possible means. For that love which seeks only their temporal welfare, deserves no better name than carnal love. But surely those who love each other, because God bids them, will love each other as God bids them. They will be careful of each others souls, as well as of their bodies and estates. But alas! How exceedingly does the love of most married people fail herein? Thou art kind to thy wife or husband, and it goes to thy heart, to think any thing should be wanting for their good. It is well; but so may a Turk as well as thou, if by good, thou meanest only that which is temporal. But dost thou seek to help thy yoke-fellow to heavenly, as well as earthly benefits? This is spiritual love: this becomes a Christian husband, and a Christian wife. Be not then carnal in your love, walking as men, but spiritual as the children of God.

5. *But remember farther, that your love must be matrimonial, as well as spiritual. It must be matrimonial, with regard, 1. To the degree, and 2. To the effect of it. For the first, A man should love his wife, a woman her husband, above all the creatures in the world. Next to the living God, the wife is to have the highest place in the husband’s heart, and he in her’s. No neighbour, no friend, no parent, no child, should be so near and dear to either as the other. They are joined in the closest of all unions; therefore their mutual affection should be most abundant. They must do more and suffer more for each other, than for any other in all the world. They must bear with more faults in each other than any besides, and be ready to take more pains for each other.

6. Secondly, As to the effect of this love, it should knit them together, that they may receive full satisfaction in each other. Love should cause a man to account his wife the only woman in the world: and so the wife to account her husband the only man in the world. The persons of each should be to the other the most precious of all persons. Do any object, this cannot be, unless every man and every woman, could find in their own yoke-fellow as amiable qualities as are to be found in others: I answer, not the good qualities of either, but the good pleasure of God is the ground of their mutual dearness. Good qualities make this duty more easy: but it is still a duty, tho’ good qualities be away. A man may lawfully think another woman a better woman than his own wife. But he may not love another woman, tho’ more virtuous, above his own, tho’ less virtuous. This is the effect of matrimonial love, to settle the heart of each upon the other, above all in the world besides. It admits of none equal in affection, but places the yoke-fellow next to our own soul. Nor will it bear the desire of change, but so links their hearts together, that in this respect they are only dear to each other.

7. The means to get and confirm this love, is to have one house, one table, one bed. But besides this natural means of procuring love, there are two spiritual means. The one is, to take special notice, of God’s gracious providence in their match. They must often consider, that God joined them together, for their mutual benefit, as being on the whole fitter for each other, than any person besides could be. We know, that a mean gift is often respected, for the giver’s sake. And he that loveth God, cannot but love all his blessings for his sake. Wherefore remember, that God in great goodness (for crosses also come to God’s children from his goodness) hath bestowed this yoke-fellow, and thou shalt dearly love thy wife or husband, tho’ perhaps not so well-tempered. For the dearness of the giver will countervail the defects of the gift. And then thy yoke-fellow’s distempers will grieve thee indeed, but not alienate thy affection.

8. Another means of uniting your souls is, constantly to join in exercises of piety. Pray together: sing together: confer together, concerning your heavenly country. And this will be found an excellent means of confirming your mutual love. These will nourish the Spirit of holiness in you: and that inkindles love wherever it comes. By these you will soon perceive yourselves to have been spiritually profitable to each other: and to receive a spiritual benefit cannot but beget and nourish spiritual affection. Naturally you would grow weary of each other: but if you season your natural communion, with this communion in spiritual things, it will prevent all satiety. Jars and contentions are the great hindrances of love; but the joining together in these exercises, will cause you to jar far more seldom: nor will any sudden jar fester or rankle, so as to breed hard thoughts of one another, which are the bane of love. Prayer will prevent most contentions and compose all: for when you shall appear before God in prayer, instead of blaming each other, you will each blame yourself, and then all contention will cease.

9. But some may say, “What shall I do, who have such an husband or wife, as neither can nor will join with me, in the service of God?” I answer, pray for that yoke-fellow, who will not pray with thee. The less able or willing they are to intreat for themselves, the more frequently and earnestly intreat God for them. It may be, God will give thee thy desire, and turn their hearts to thee. At least, thy own soul will gain an increase of heavenly love to them. And this is sure, that to love your yoke-fellow spiritually and fervently, tho’ you are not loved again, is far better, than to be loved of them, without so loving.

CHAP. III. Of the Effects of Love.

1.THE effects of nuptial love are three, Pleasingness, Faithfulness, Helpfulness. The first, which must mix itself with all the rest, is an earnest desire to please each other, so far as it is possible to be done, without sinning against God. Wherefore the husband must do or leave undone, any thing he can, that he may please his wife: and the wife must in any thing cross her own desires that she may satisfy his. In diet, attire, choice of company, and all things else, each must fulfill the other’s desire, as absolutely as can be done, without transgressing the law of God. As difficult as this may seem at first, practice will make it easy. Resolutely begin, and the proceeding will be pleasanter than the beginning. Especially if both labour together, each seeking to oblige the other. For it cannot be difficult to satisfy one, who desires to take as well as to give satisfaction.

2. But some will say, “This suits not me, nothing will satisfy my froward yoke-fellow.” I answer, It may be so: it is not in ones power, to make a froward person take a thing well. But it is in your power, to do your best, to satisfy such an one; and to strive the more, the more averse to peace your companion is. “But it is hard, to be still striving against the stream.” It is; but duties must not be omitted because they are hard. The scholar, who has an hard lesson, must take the more pains to learn it. So the husband or wife, that has a perverse companion, must take the more pains to please them. Let the difficulty therefore make thee more diligent: and encourage thyself in this tedious labour, by thinking, “If after all I cannot please my yoke-fellow, I shall not fail to please God. Yea, and the harder the work is, the better he will take it at my hands. Therefore I will so behave, that they may receive content in all things, if any thing but sin will content them.” This caution indeed we must observe; for we may not, to please anyone, sin against God. If any thing but sin will satisfy, thou must do it, be it ever so contrary to thy own will. But if thou canst not fulfill the desires of a creature, without breaking the law of God, then thou must not fulfill them: better offend a mortal man, than the immortal God.

3. In the next place, husband and wife are to be faithful and helpful to each other. These two must always be united: therefore we speak of them together. This was the principal thing which God designed in the creation of the woman. It is not good, saith he, for man to be alone: I will make him an help meet for him. And undoubtedly man was intended to give, as well as to receive help. This helpful fidelity consists in their mutual care to abstain from and prevent whatever might grieve or hurt either: and to do themselves, and incite others to do, whatever might comfort or benefit either. And this must extend to the soul, the body, the name, and the estate.

4. First, to the souls, by provoking each other on all occasions, to inward and outward holiness. The husband must further the wife in all goodness, and the wife the husband: for she has also liberty to stir up her husband, by intreaty and fair means. And as they have special opportunity, so they should be always ready, with special diligence, to provoke one another to love and to good works. O how sweet is the society when they thus watch all occasions to further each other in godliness! Again; being continually together, they may discover in each other divers corruptions and imperfections. They must not turn these into matter of contempt, but of compassion and care for each others reformation. They should observe each others temper, ’till they perceive what infirmities each is chiefly inclined to, and then diligently abstain from what may provoke that evil, and apply all means that may heal it. If all their labour does not avail, they must not fear to seek the help of some common friend, who possibly may effect that cure, which themselves had endeavoured in vain. And if even this does not succeed, still they must wait and pray, referring the matter to God, the only physician of the soul, who is able in due time to redress all.

5. The same faithful helpfulness they owe, to the bodies of each other. They must shun all things that might cause sickness or pain to each other, and readily undergo any pains or cost, according to their power, to procure whatever is necessary either to keep or recover their health. They must comfort each other, in the days of sorrow, that worldly sorrow work not death. The wife must be health to her husband in his sickness: she must support his weakness, and he her’s. Sickness and weakness are things which of themselves are hard enough to be borne. There needs not the addition of unkindness to make the burden heavier. Let every husband and wife avoid or mend this fault, and be particularly careful of their behaviour, at that time above all, when either is visited with grief, or weakness, or sickness. When your wife is sick or pain’d, then comfort her with loving words, and chear her by a tender countenance. Then see that she want no looking too, no help which thou canst procure. When thy husband is sick or weak, then stay him with comfortable speech, revive him with diligent attendance. Do all thou canst, to ease his pain, and to recover his strength. Let thy love and care be his best physic, and thyself his best physician. This is to be faithful to thy husband’s body, and to “cherish him in sickness as in health.”

6. In the third place, man and wife must be faithfully helpful to each others names, and that in a double respect: in maintaining them both between themselves and also among others. First, they must hold fast a good opinion of each other, so far as it may possibly stand with truth. Yea, it is no blame for them to have somewhat too good an opinion of each other: for a man to think his wife not only more handsome, but more wise and good than she is; (making her virtues carry a greater show to the eye, by looking at them thro’ the glass of love:) and for her to think him not only more proper, but more kind and good than he really is, by taking things with that largeness of good interpretation, which much love naturally puts upon them. Certainly then they should be peremptory to give no place to ungrounded, unwarranted surmises. They must on no account suffer their hearts to grow mistrustful of each other. All rash, ill-built, hasty surmises, must be far from them. Otherwise love will go out at the same door, at which suspicion came in. He or she that has a suspicious head, has not a truly loving heart. Such may be lustful or fond; but an holy, virtuous, spiritual affection they cannot have. So long as they give way to evil surmisings, there is no place for this. *And therefore of all domestic makebates, of all that breeds quarrel between married people, nothing in the world is more pestilently effectual to this bad end than jealousy. Having leavened the heart, it makes the speech tart and sharp, the countenance sour, the whole behaviour distasteful. No good words, no good actions, or ♦gestures, or looks can proceed from a jealous heart. Jealousy will make one suck mischievous things out of his own fingers ends. Suffer not therefore this evil weed to grow up in the garden of matrimony. For no good herb will prosper by it; no praise-worthy thing will flourish. Let all then that are married, detest any thought of this kind that may arise. Let their hearts disdain to give the least credit, unless the proofs be more than manifest. Away then with this makebate jealousy, this quarreler suspicion, this breeder of brawls, this mother and nurse of contention, this underminer of love and of good husbandry, of all that should be profitable to an houshold. Away with it, I say, out of thy heart: chase it far from thy breast, from thy house. It is better to receive ten wrongs without suspecting, than to suspect one that is not received. Wherefore as thou wouldst stand for the good name of thy companion, against the tongue of a slanderer, so stand for it against the dreams of thy own heart, against thy own slanderous imagination. And if any person will suffer his lips to be so ill employed, as to become Satan’s bellows, by blowing these coals betwixt you, by telling thee this or that, rebuke such a person, reject his words with detestation, flee his company, nor defile thy ears and heart, by giving gentle audience to a whisperer and talebearer. In a word, wouldst thou love or be loved? Wouldst thou live otherwise in marriage, than as in a prison or dungeon? Then strengthen thy heart against all suspicion, and rather be any thing than jealous.

7. Ye must be tender also of each other’s reputation abroad. This requireth two things: First, that each labour to conceal the weaknesses of the other, so far as is possible, from all men. The husband must endeavour, that none may know of his wife’s faults, but himself: and the wife must do her best to keep her husband’s faults from the knowledge of every creature. On the contrary, to publish each others sins, is a monstrous treachery. To backbite an enemy is a sin: how much more to backbite ones yoke-fellow? Whose faults can a man cover if not his wife’s, that is in effect, his own? Or who can be free from reproach, if one so near as his wife, deface his good name? ’Tis impossible but man and wife must sooner or later discover their weaknesses to one another. And for them to be playing the tell-tale against each other, what soul does not loath to think of it? If thou hast been so sinfully talkative before, now for shame lay thy hand upon thy mouth, that thou mayst no more incur the name of fool, by making thy tongue to spread abroad folly.

8. But besides this, you must faithfully keep each others secrets. A man may have occasion to acquaint his wife, with things which he would not reveal to others; so may a woman to acquaint her husband. Now if in such cases a wife find, that her husband has revealed what she intrusted with him alone; or he find, that she has revealed what he spoke to her in the confidence of love, this will breed such a distrust of the offending party, as will not easily be removed. Wherefore let husbands and wives always mind this: If he lay up any thing in her breast, let him find it safe there, as in a chest, which cannot be opened by any pick-lock. If she commit a thing to his safe keeping, let it be imprisoned in his bosom. Otherwise no man can chuse but be strange to one, whom experience has convinced of blabbing. And it is an infallible truth, that there is no comfortable living with one whom you cannot trust.

9. The last part of faithful helpfulness to each other, is that which concerns their estates. And to this end it is requisite, first, that all things be common between them, goods as well as persons: For if they make not a division in the greater, it is absurd to make it in the less. They should have one house and one purse: for they are one, and their estates should be one also. And having thus united their fortunes, let them, secondly, practise good husbandry therein. This implies three things, diligence in getting, prudence in saving, providence in foreseeing. These three, industry, frugality, and forecast, make up good husbandry. And if any of these are wanting, so much is wanting to the perfection of it; and so much also will be wanting, for their comfort and prosperity.

CHAP IV. Of the duties of the married to their family.

1.A Man and his wife, who before were members of other families, join together that they may become the roots of a new family: Wherein by training up their servants and children, they provide plants for God’s vineyard, the church. In this family the husband is the head; the wife is the next, as subordinate to him. They are both to maintain and govern their family. First, they must join in providing it with all necessaries, imitating herein the father of this great family, the world, who fills every creature with good things fit for it. But they must govern as well as maintain their houshold; the man as God’s immediate officer, the woman as an officer deputed by him, not equal, but subordinate: he, by the authority derived immediately from God, she by authority derived from her husband.

2. The first point, in order to the due government of their family, is to educate their children well; more especially in their tender years. I cannot lay down a better method for this, than is laid down in a letter printed some years since; part of which is here subjoined.

*“According to your desire, I have collected the principal rules I observed in educating my family. The children (she had ten who came to man’s estate, eight of whom were frequently at home together) were put into a regular method of living, in such things as they were capable of, from their birth, as in dressing, undressing, changing their linen, &c. The first quarter commonly passes in sleep. After that, they were, if possible, laid into their cradles awake, and rocked asleep, and so they were kept rocking till it was time for them to awake. This was done to bring them to a regular course of sleeping, which at first was three hours in the morning, and three in the afternoon: afterwards two hours till they needed none at all.

*“When they were turned a year old, they were taught to fear the rod, and cry softly. By this means they escaped abundance of correction which otherwise they must have had, and that odious noise of the crying of children was rarely heard in the house.

*“As soon as they were grown pretty strong, they were confined to three meals a day. They were never suffered to chuse their meat, but always ate such things as were provided for the family. Whatever they had, they were never permitted to eat of more than one thing. Drinking or eating between meals was never allowed, but in case of sickness, which rarely happened.

*“At six they had their supper. At seven their maid washed them, and got them all to bed by eight. Then she left them in their several rooms awake: for we allowed no such thing, as sitting by a child till it fell asleep.

“They were so constantly used to eat and drink what was given them, that when any of them was ill, there was no difficulty in making them take the most unpleasant medicine. This I mention, to shew a person may be taught to take any thing, be it ever so disagreeable.

*“In order to form the minds of children, the first thing to be done, is, to conquer their will. To inform their understanding is a work of time, and must proceed by slow degrees: but the subjecting the will is a thing which must be done at once; and the sooner the better. For by our neglecting timely correction, they contract a stubbornness, which is hardly ever to be conquered, and never without using that severity, which would be as painful to us as to the children. Therefore I call those cruel parents, who pass for kind and indulgent: who permit their children to contract habits, which they know must be afterwards broken.

“Whenever a child is corrected, it must be conquered. And when his will is totally subdued, then a great many childish follies and inadvertencies may be past by. Some should be overlooked and taken no notice of, and others mildly reproved. But no wilful transgression should ever be forgiven, without chastisement, less or more.

“I insist upon conquering the wills of children betimes, because this is the only foundation of a religious education, without which both precept and example will be ineffectual. But when this is throughly done, then a child is capable of being governed by the reason of its parent, till its own understanding comes to maturity, and the principles of religion have taken root.

*“I cannot yet dismiss this subject. As self-will is the root of all sin and misery, so whatever cherishes this in children, ensures their after wretchedness and irreligion; and whatever checks and mortifies it, promotes their future happiness and piety. This is still more evident, if we consider, that religion is nothing else but the doing the will of God, not our own: and that self-will being the grand impediment to our temporal and eternal happiness, no indulgence of it can be trivial, no denial of it unprofitable. Heaven or hell depends on this alone. So that the parent who studies to subdue it in his children, works together with God in the saving a soul; the parent who indulges it, does the devil’s work, makes religion impracticable, salvation unattainable, and does all that in him lies, to damn his child, soul and body for ever.”

3. This advice, first, to conquer the wills of children, is exactly agreeable to the apostle’s direction to parents, Eph. vi. 4. Train them up, (I do not say, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord; for I know not what that odd expression means, but) ἐν παιδεία καὶ νουθεσία Κυρίου, in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ἐν ♦παιδεία, in the discipline first; then ἐν νουθεσία, in Christian knowledge; because they may be inured to discipline, before they are capable of instruction. *This therefore I cannot but earnestly repeat, break their wills betimes: begin this great work before they can run alone, before they can speak plain, perhaps before they can speak at all. Whatever pains it costs, conquer their stubbornness: break the will, if you would not damn the child. I conjure you, not to neglect, not to delay this. Therefore, 1. Let a child, from a year old, be taught to fear the rod, and to cry softly. It cannot be exprest, how much pains this will save both to the parent and the child. In order to this, 2. Let him have nothing he cries for; absolutely nothing, great or small. Let this be an unvariable rule; else you undo all your own work. 3. At all events, from that age, make him do as he is bid, if you whip him ten times running to effect it. Let none persuade you it is cruelty to do this: it is real cruelty, not to do it. If you spare the rod, you spoil the child; if you do not conquer, you ruin him. Break his will now, and his soul shall live, and he will probably bless you to all eternity.

4. *But we are by nature not only full of self-will, but likewise of pride, atheism, anger, falshood and idolatry. Now the end of education is to counteract and remove all the corruption of nature; of Christian education in particular, termed by St. Paul, the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Set yourselves, therefore, ye Christian parents, to the work. Indeed it is not a little one. In order to accomplish it, you will need both the wisdom and the power of God: in order to root up, instead of strengthening, as most do, all these roots of bitterness. Self-will has been spoken of already. The next evil you are to oppose in children is pride. In order to guard against this, 1. Never commend them to their face, either for their goodness, sense or beauty. It is deadly poison. It is the direct way to plunge their souls in everlasting perdition. 2. Suffer no other to do it, if you can possibly prevent it: and if any should commend them, in their hearing, regard not ♦complaisance, or good-breeding so called, but check them immediately. 3. Lovingly shew them their faults, especially their wrong tempers, as soon as ever their understanding dawns. 4. In particular, labour to convince them of atheism: shew them, that they are without God in the world: that they do not know God; that they do not love, delight in, or enjoy him, any more than do the beasts that perish. 5. Do not teach them revenge: never say, “Who hurts my child? Give me a blow for him.” Do not encourage them in anger, by laughing at, or seeming pleased with their little froward tricks. Rather check them for the least appearance of it, much more for an angry word or action. 6. Let property be inviolably maintained among your little ones. Let none of them dare to take the very least thing, not an apple or a pin, without, much less, against the consent of the owner. 7. Do not teach them lying. Never say, “It was not my child that did so.” On the contrary, inure them to confess their faults, and to tell the truth at all hazards. 8. Begin early to guard them against idolatry, against the love of the world in all its branches. Do nothing to feed in them the desire of the flesh; that is, of the pleasures of sense. Keep them (on this account, as well as on account of health) to the plainest, simplest diet. If they do not want it as physic, let them taste no liquid till ten or twelve years old, but water or milk. Above all, let no tea come within their lips, no strong drink of any kind. If they never have it, they will never desire it. It is wholly your fault if they do. Do nothing to feed in them the desire of the eye. Let their dress also be plain and simple. Let them always (so far as your circumstances will allow) be clean, but never fine. Let them never wear any thing that is ♠showy, any thing that is gay or glittering. Put nothing upon them that attracts the eye, either their own, or that of others. Give them nothing, nor suffer others to give them any thing that is purely ornamental. Dress your children just as you dress yourself, that when they are grown up, they may have nothing to unlearn. More full directions on these heads, and many others, you have in the “Instructions for Children,” which I advise every parent to read again and again, and to put it in practice with all his power.

5. The government of your family in general respects matters of God, and matters of the world. Your first care must be, that the living God be duly worshipped by all in your house. To this end, you must read the scriptures, call upon the name of God among them, and catechise them in the principles of religion, that none under your roof may be ignorant of the great truths of the gospel. To this end also you must see, that they sanctify the sabbath: you must carefully and constantly bring them to the public assemblies, and examine them afterwards, how they profit thereby. If this care be wanting, you will want the blessing of God on all your other cares. Wherefore, let man and wife be principally helpful to each other in this business. When the husband is present, let him read and pray with the family, and teach them the fear of the Lord. In his absence, let his wife do these duties, or at least take care to see them done. And let both of them provide and allow convenient time and leisure for the same: and let each quicken the slackness of the other, if either begin to grow weary. If he is worse than an infidel, who provideth not food and cloathing for his family, what is he that lets their souls go naked, for want of that which is both food and cloathing to them; I mean, instruction in the things that pertain to life and godliness? Herein, then, let all husbands and wives be of one mind in the Lord, using all good means to plant and water piety in the hearts of all that are under their care.

6. As to matters of the world, first, They must appoint their inferiors such works and services, as they are severally fit for, and then follow and look after them, that they may perform those services. Had not the Lord seen, that inferiors would need this, he would not have made this difference in the family. But God saw, that the best servants need this help, and therefore ordained governors; generally two, that the absence of the one might be supplied by the presence of the other. Secondly, You must mark the carriage of your inferiors, and see what disorders do, or are ready to break in, whether openly or secretly, that they may be either prevented or resisted speedily. Idleness, tatling, discord, and many more evils, are apt to steal even on good servants and children, which the Lord well knowing, made rulers in the house, to keep all in good order: and if this care be some trouble, yet the mischiefs which arise from the want of it are much more troublesome: whereas, if the eyes of the master and mistress be always open, much peace will follow in the house. Thirdly, You must join in admonishing, encouraging, reproving, and, if need be, correcting your inferiors. Both must discountenance what is evil, and encourage what is good. And in so doing you must take care to maintain each other’s authority to the full. If one encourage, the other must not oppose; if one reprove, the other must not defend. If he see cause to correct the children, she must not grow angry or hinder: neither, when she would correct, must he save them out of her hands. Nay, suppose either should exceed, correcting either without cause, or above measure, the other must not find fault, in hearing of the inferiors; but they must debate the matter between themselves, and keep their disagreements from appearing in the family. So therefore join hands, that your dissention may not blast the fruit of all your endeavours. So shall you preserve your authority, ♦increase your love to each other, and procure amendment in your inferiors.

CHAP. V. Of a Man’s keeping his Authority.

1.IT is the duty of an husband, to govern his wife, and to maintain her. The former implies, that he keep his authority, and that he use it. And, first, every man is bound to keep himself in that place wherein his Maker hath set him, and to hold fast that precedency which God hath assigned him. The Lord hath intitled him your head, and he may not take a lower place. The contempt redounds upon God, which a man takes upon himself, by making his wife his master. But perhaps some will say, “All this is reasonable, if it were practicable. But there are some wives so proud, headstrong, and stubborn, that their husbands cannot govern them.” I answer, most men blame their wives, when the real fault is in themselves. Man cannot hinder a violent woman from assaulting his authority, but he may from winning it: not indeed by violence, but by skill; not by main force, but by a ♦steady and wise proceeding. And, first, let him endeavour to exceed his wife in goodness as he does in place. Let him walk uprightly and religiously in his family, and give a good example to all in the house. Then any reasonable woman will give him the better place, whom she sees to be the better person. Take pains then to make thyself good, and that is the most compendious way to make thyself reverenced.

2. This in general. But in particular, shun those evils, that make a man seem vile in the eyes of those that are round about him. The first of these is bitterness: sharp, tart carriage, reviling, passionate, provoking language, are fitly so called; being as offensive to the mind, as gall and worm-wood to the palate. This bitterness shews folly, and works hatred, and therefore must needs be a great underminer of authority. For wherever want of wisdom is, there will ensue want of reverence. He that would retain his pre-eminence, must, secondly, avoid unthriftiness, another great enemy to reverence. Drunkenness, gaming, and ill company, are the three parts of unthriftiness. And whoever gives way to any of these, must expect to be despised. Thirdly, lightness must be avoided by husbands, all foolish, childish behaviour, that wears no stamp of gravity or discretion, but savours of a kind of boyishness. If the husband puts a fool’s coat upon his back, can he blame his wife for laughing at him? Cast therefore all those base evils from you, and strive for holiness and gravity of conversation, that your superiority, supported by such pillars, may stand upright and unshaken.

3. But how is a man to use this authority, so that it may answer the end for which it is given? The end of it is, That he may present her to God, holy and without blemish; that he may so govern her, as to weaken every corruption, and strengthen every grace in her soul. In order to do this, he must temper the exercise of his authority, by justice, wisdom and mildness. Justice is the life and soul of government, without which it is no better than a dead carcase: wisdom is the eye of government, without which it is like a strong man stark blind. Mildness is the health and good constitution of government: and when these are all joined together, then the husband is, as it were, God in the family, a resemblance of his sovereignty and goodness.

4. Justice is to be practised in directing and recompensing. For the first, a man must not so abuse his authority, as to enjoin any thing sinful: what God commands, he must not forbid; what God forbids, he must not command. Let no husband forget, that the Lord in heaven, and the magistrate on earth, are above him. He and his wife are equally subject to these. Therefore let him never set his private authority against theirs, nor make his wife undutiful to either of these, by a false claim of duty to himself. For instance: let no husband command his wife to lie for his advantage, to break the sabbath for his gain; to partake of his fraud, or sin of any kind. Neither let any man forbid his wife to pray unto God, to attend his word and sacraments; to use any of the means which God hath made the ordinary channels of his grace. See then, all ye husbands that your directions to your wives agree with the laws of God. Otherwise to disobey you is the better obedience, and to reject your evil directions, is not to deny subjection to your persons but to your sins, yea to the devil himself, who rules in you.

5. But this rule of justice must extend a little farther. The husband must not urge his authority, not only in things unlawful, but even in those that seem unlawful to his wife’s mistaken confidence. He ought not to force her to what she thinks a sin. Conscience is God’s immediate officer, and tho’ it is mistaken, must be obeyed, ’till it be better informed. Wherefore, when a woman thro’ weakness fancies a thing indifferent to be sinful, a man must not compel her to act against her conscience, but with pity and gentleness try to remove that mistake. “But what if she pretend conscience, when it is but willfulness?” Then he must wait awhile, and if persuasions avail not, at length use his authority, and enjoin her to change her obstinacy into subjection. “But how shall I know, whether she be scrupulous or stubborn?” I answer, scruple of conscience is grounded on the word of God, on some text which carries an appearance at least of condemning the thing in question. But obstinacy is backed with no part of God’s word. Therefore, if a woman produce some scripture, tho’ perhaps misinterpreted, for her scruple, she must be tenderly dealt with. But if she plead conscience, without God’s word, it is probably a mere pretence. Again, it may be a mistaken conscience, when things indifferent are deemed either necessary or sinful. But if conscience be pleaded against doing what God hath plainly commanded, this is willfulness in error, not weakness of conscience.

♦6. Justice is likewise to be exercised in requiring either the bad or good carriage of the wife. Bad behaviour may be requited with reproof or correction. But be sure, not to reprove without a fault. Find not a fault where no fault is, for fear of making one where there was none. And observe; a fault reformed is to be accounted no fault. Therefore it must never be mentioned more. And when a real fault requires punishment, still the husband must come exceeding slowly to it, and be very seldom in it, never until he is compelled, because all other means are ineffectual. For a man to look and behave cooly towards his wife, to withdraw the testimonies of his love, to cease to trust and to speak familiarly and chearfully to her, these things I call punishments. And all things of this kind must be more or less sharp, as the fault is greater or less, being suited, not to the passion, or loss, or hurt of the reprover, but to the offence of the reproved. On the other hand, rewards and commendations should be proportioned to the nature and degree of her good behaviour: the husband being careful to feed her virtues, nourish her obedience, and confirm all her amiable qualities.

7. The next virtue of the husband is wisdom, which gives rules for the right ordering his authority. It is a main part of this wisdom, to conform the use of his authority to the disposition of his wife. There is a great difference in tempers: some are more stiff, some more pliant; some are easy to be ruled, some the contrary. Some require more sharpness; others will be better wrought upon by gentleness; and wisdom teaches to frame all commands, reproofs, rewards, according to the condition of the person. A soft, tender woman must be dealt with tenderly; a rough, high-spirited one, with more sternness and severity. And herein an husband must not follow his own inclinations, but bow himself to the temper of his wife. As she is more apt to grieve or rage, to be dejected or careless, so ought a man to shape his words and behaviour, that he may most heal and least provoke those passions to which she is most liable. St. Peter points all men to this part of discretion, when he terms women, the weaker vessel; meaning, subject to more natural infirmities than the man. So much the more should the husband shew himself a man of knowledge toward her. Our Saviour’s government may be our example. He well considers the particular nature of all his members, sees the tempers and infirmities of each, and deals with them accordingly. And his wisdom appears in mixing a fit cup of consolation or affliction for every soul. Every husband must carefully imitate this: for if some women were reproved so frequently and so sharply as others; they would be quite disheartened: and if some were to receive so great kindness and such commendations as others need, they would be utterly destroyed by pride. Now the art of government must moderate all these things, according to the nature of the governed. And this art the giver of wisdom will not deny, to them that earnestly crave it at his hands.

8. Another part of wisdom is, to chuse a fit time and place for every act of authority. Two rules may be observed with regard to time, particularly in reproving, that being a thing wherein most caution should be used, because it is most apt to be taken ill, and because if it speed well, it does much good, if not, it does much hurt. But in all other parts of government, the same rules are so needful, that much mischief will grow by not observing them. Now, as in this case there are two persons concerned, so a time of reproving or commanding must be chosen, suitable to both. It must be then used, when he is fit to use it well, and she to take it well. First then, when a man himself is quiet, in tune, and free from perturbation, then probably he will reprove or command well. But when anger boils within, let him forbear exercising any part of his authority, till he recover his due temper. Authority cannot be well managed, but by the hand of wisdom. Therefore undertake not to exercise it, at a time when wisdom is banished. Go not about such a work, but when thou art thyself, when thy mind is settled, thy judgment clear. Then shew thy wife her duty, then tell her of her faults; else she will never mend her faults or see her duty. Chuse, secondly, the time wherein she is most capable of receiving information or reproof: when she is chearfully quiet, well-pleased, free from excessive grief, anger, pain, sickness, which often untunes the soul, then is a good time to advise or tell her of a fault. Else her passions will make her as unable to take any thing well, as his will make him unable to do it well.

9. As to place, commendations or easy commands may be given before others. But for reproofs, the most secret place is generally the most convenient. Or if you would have her do or forbear any thing, which you think will be displeasing to her to hear, tell your mind in private, and then persuade where you may freely speak all that is fit to be spoken. “But what if women offend in public, before servants and children, and strangers?” I answer, in this case, a man may shew his dislike, that others may not be hurt by the bad example. But he should delay the proper, home reproof, ’till his wife and he be together alone.

10. Next to wisdom is mildness, a very necessary virtue in this society. No woman can endure her husband’s government with comfort, if gentleness do not temper it. The Lord Jesus is the most gentle and meek governor in the world: and when he requireth us to take his yoke upon us, he commends himself as meek and lowly, his yoke as easy and his burden as light. This is the best precedent for husbands to follow, the most worthy copy for them to write after. The apostle teaches us to be gentle, not only to the good, but also to them that are froward. Surely then the husband must be gentle toward his wife, tho’ she be of a froward disposition. Yea, we are commanded to shew all meekness to all men: much more should each man shew it to his wife. And that in both the parts of authority, in directing and recompensing.

11. As to the former, the husband should beware of extending the use of his commanding power too far. Let him use it as seldom, and as little as possible. It may suffice him to know, that God has given him the right of directing, in every thing which is not sinful. But in the exercise of it, he must shew himself of a kind and free nature, not rigorously taking upon him, to command all he may, but willingly gratifying his wife, in some, in many, in most things, that she may with the more chearfulness, be subject to him in others. Let him also shew mildness, in forbearing hard commandments, as much as possibly he can. Beware of crossing your wife, without cause, and forcing her to things against her natural disposition. Enjoin nothing of this kind, unless there be an absolute necessity. And as to the manner of commanding, let nothing be imperiously prescribed, but with sweet kindness and familiar requests. Indeed, if the wife will try for mastery, and strive to cast off the yoke of obedience, then it is needful for the husband, with good words, to stand for his authority, even somewhat stifly and peremptorily professing, that he will have his will in things lawful. But this course should be rarely taken, and that only in matters of importance. In other cases it is better mildly to wish this or that, than haughtily to enjoin it.

12. But mildness is never so needful as in reproving, both with regard to the matter and the manner of it. For the matter; find not fault with every foible; chide not for every infirmity. What is not of a gross nature, or done wilfully, may be passed over either with none, or half a word. The love which passes by weaknesses is necessary toward strangers; much more with those who are so nearly united. *Be not therefore extreme or rigorous, but be affected toward thy wife, as a tender mother toward her child. Pray to God against all her faults; see and commend all her virtues: but petty wants and little ordinary weaknesses, seldom take notice of, or reprove. Let her perceive, that thou dost, but wilt not know them. And thy unwillingness to see and reprove, will make her, if she has any spark of generosity, more willing to see and reform. But an ever-lowering and ever-chiding husband will make his wife worse than she would otherwise be. For the manner of reproving, even when it is most needful, it should be very gentle. The words and gestures used to press the fault, should be mild and amiable, breathing out love and pity at once. No patient is so desirous of health, that he will drink a potion scalding hot. So it is with reproof: if it, as it were, scald the ear with bitter upbraiding, with railing words, and a fiery look, it will never gain passage to the heart. Compassion, kindness, declaring your sorrow for her fault, desire of her good, and care for her amendment, these incline the will to accept of an admonition, and help the effect of it. I am not against the wholesome earnestness of reproving; but this may be without bitterness or fierceness. An admonition is then healthfully sharp and earnest, when a man with much plainness of speech and strength of reason lays open the greatness and danger of the sin, and vehemently enforces them on the sinner’s conscience: but compassionately still, with a declaration of more sorrow than anger, of more grief for her fault and danger, than displeasure against her person.

CHAP. VI. Of the Wife’s peculiar Duties.

1.THE special duties of a wife may be reduced to two heads, To know herself the inferior, and to behave as such. First, She must know herself the inferior; she must be thoroughly convinced, that she is not her husband’s equal, without which there can be no content, either in her heart, or in her house. Where the woman counts herself equal with her husband, (much more, if she count herself better) the root of all good carriage is withered, the fountain thereof dried up. Whoever therefore would be a good wife, let this sink into her inmost soul, “My husband is my superior, my better: he has the right to rule over me. God has given it him, and I will not strive against God. He is my superior, my better.” Unless she has learnt this lesson perfectly, unless she has it at her fingers ends, if her very heart does not thoroughly agree thereto, there will be nothing between them but wrangling, repining, striving: so that their life will be little else than a continual battle, a trying for masteries. Let us grant, you have more wit and understanding than him, more readiness of speech, more skill in business. Yet consider; your servant may exceed you in all these, as much as you do him. And yet you would be loath that your servant should claim an equality either with him or you. Know then, a man may be superior in place to him, who is his superior in gifts: and know likewise, thou dost abuse the gifts of God, if thence thou infringest thy husband’s superiority. Wherefore, with all thy understanding, understand this, that God has made him thy governor and ruler, and thee his inferior, to be ruled by him, and to submit to him in all things. Though he be of meaner birth and smaller capacity, tho’ he had no wealth or name before thou didst marry him, yet from that hour the case is changed, and he is no longer beneath thee, but above thee. Set it down therefore as a conclusion never to be called in question. “My husband is my superior.”

2. The wife knowing herself the inferior, must, secondly, behave as such, by reverence and subjection to her husband. First, By reverence. She owes this to her husband, as much as the children or servants do to her: yea, as they do to him; only hers is sweetened with more love and familiarity. She is no less bound to reverence her husband, than are the rest of the family. This alone is the difference; she may be more familiar, not more rude, as being more dear, not less subject than they.

3. And this reverence must be both inward and outward. First, she must have an inward, dutiful respect for her husband. She must regard him as God’s deputy, not looking to his person but his place, not thinking so much, what he is, as whose officer. So the apostle, Let the wife see that she reverence her husband. Of all things, let her not fail in this. He here prescribes such a loving, not slavish, fear, as stands with the closest union of heart. And from this fear, she abhors and shuns, as the greatest evil which can befal her, next to the breaking the commandments of God, to displease or offend her husband. We stand in due awe of God, when we loath the breach of his commandments, as the greatest of all evils. And the wife duly stands in awe of her husband, when next to that evil, she shuns the disobeying or grieving him, who is above her, next to God. I know many ♦women care as little for their husbands, as their husbands do for them. But if thou wilt ever please God, take much pains with thy heart, to make it stand in awe of thy husband. As a wife grows in this, so may she look to get the better of all her other infirmities: as she is careless herein, so shall she be pestered with various other evils. “But how shall she bring her heart to this?” By looking thro’ her husband to God the author of marriage, and putting herself often in mind, not of his deserts, but of God’s ordinance. The husband is to the wife the image and glory of God: the power that is given to him is God’s originally, and his by God’s appointment. Look not therefore on the qualities of thy husband, but upon his place. If thou despisest him, the contempt redounds upon God, who hath ordained him to be thy head. If therefore thy heart be seasoned with the fear of God, thou wilt fear thy husband also.

4. And this inward will produce outward reverence, both in her words and actions. Her words are either to himself, of him behind his back, or to others before him. And, 1. Her words to himself should neither be sharp, sullen, passionate, not rude, careless or contemptuous: such as shew neither anger, nor neglect, but all lowliness and quietness of affection. What kind of words would you dislike from a servant or child? Those must you not give your husband. For the same duty of fear is in the same words, and with the same plainness enjoined to thee that is to them. Indeed a wife, as I observed before, may be more familiar: yet there is an excess of familiarity which is blame-worthy. Why should a woman be so over-bold as to call her husband, Tom, Dick, Ned? Could she speak otherwise to her child or servant? Certainly those speeches of hers which are most familiar should still have a print of reverence upon them.

5. Her words also to others in his presence should be such as witness a due reverence to him: In his company she should be more cautious of her behaviour to any, than otherwise she need to be. Her words to children and servants in his sight, ought not to be loud or snappish. If she perceive a fault in them, she should remember her better stands by, and therefore not speak, but upon necessity, and then utter the reproof in a more still and mild manner, than she might have done in his absence. You allow not your children or servants to be loud before you. And will you be so before your husband!

6. A wife’s words likewise concerning her husband behind his back, should be dutiful and respectful. She must not talk of him with a kind of carelessness, much less with reproachful terms. Hence the apostle recommends the example of Sarah: who when she but thought of her husband, in the absence of all company, (Gen. xviii. 12.) reverently intitled him, My Lord. Who would bear a child speaking against his father behind his back? And shall it be thought sufferable in a wife? He that allows not an evil thought of the prince, will not allow evil speeches of the husband.

7. Yea, the very gestures and countenance of a wife, as well as her words, should be mixt with reverence. Both good and bad tempers have more ways of uttering themselves than by the tongue. Solomon speaks of an eye that despiseth his mother: so the eye of a wife may be a despising eye and her gestures may proclaim contempt, tho’ her tongue be altogether silent. But rude and contemptuous behaviour are no less uncomely than disrespectful words. Wherefore, if you condemn these in your children toward yourself, allow them not in yourself toward your husband.

8. The second duty, subjection, implies obedience to his commands, and submission to his reproofs. The former is expresly enjoined in those words, Let the wife be subject to her husband in all things. And indeed, if she refuse it to him, how can she require it of the children and servants? For it is due to her only as his deputy, and a substitute under him. “But how far must she be subject to him?” The apostle tells us, In all things, in the Lord. Obedience, you see, must be universal: only so that it may be in the Lord. In every thing wherein obedience to him would not prove rebellion against her Maker, she is bound to obey, without any farther question. An English subject is not bound to obey the King in any thing but what some law enjoins. His will is no law, neither does it bind the conscience of his subject. But the husband’s will is a law to his wife, and binds her conscience in all things indifferent. Nor does even this suffice, unless she obey readily, quietly, chearfully, without brawling, contending, sourness.

9. The latter, submission to his reproofs, is also plainly required in these words, As the church is subject to Christ, so must the wives to their own husbands in every thing. Now, bearing his reproofs is doubtless a necessary part of the church’s subjection to Christ. Of consequence it is a necessary part of the wife’s subjection to her husband.

CHAP. VII. Some Application of the Whole.

1. *AND first, this yields a good instruction to young, unmarried people; not to rush unadvisedly into this state. A thing of so difficult a nature, should not be hastily undertaken. If they get not first their hearts full of grace, and their heads full of wisdom, they will find their hands full of work, an house full of trouble, and a life full of woe. Dost thou desire to be married? Unless thou wouldst meet with gall instead of honey, see what wisdom, what patience, what grace fit to govern, or fit to obey, thou findest in thyself. Get these against thou comest to use them, or marriage will yield thee small contentment. Vain youths will marry, before they have any power to practise, any understanding to know their duties. But he that leaps over a broad ditch with a short staff, will fall into the midst: and he that enters into marriage without great grace, shall fall into disquietude and vexation. Let unmarried people think of this, and be wise before pain teaches them wisdom.

2. Secondly, I advise all married persons to be well acquainted with these duties, and to mark their own failings therein. Let the wife know her’s, the husband his, and both, the common duties. I desire they would each observe their own, and not each the other’s failings. Indeed it may be feared, many will be the worse for what has been said, because they heard amiss. The husband may perhaps ring his wife a peal concerning her duty, and tell her, how her faults were ript up; and yet never consider his own. The wife may tell him of his faults, when she has little or nothing to say of herself. Thus both will be worse, while they seek to upbraid each other, and not each to amend one. Unwise man! Unwise woman! Why hast thou not the greatest care, to save thy own soul? Couldst thou mark what was good for another’s disease, and not what was good for thy own? Brethren, sisters, let this be altered in us. If thou be an husband, have more care to know that, for which thy own soul must answer, than what lies to the account of another. So thou that art a wife; and woe to that man or woman, who sees not more failings in him or herself than in the yoke-fellow. If thy heart were right, thy own sins would be more grievous, and thy yoke-fellows less. Learn, therefore, to pass by their failings more easily, and be more censorious toward thy own. Learn to judge thyself. *He never yet learned to work well at any work, that would cast his eyes more upon his neighbour’s fingers, than upon his own. But oh! how common is this? Every man would be a good husband, if his wife, were not so bad! And she would be a good wife, if her husband were tolerable. All the accusations, all the judgings are darted at each other: but what folly is this? Idle man or woman, it is not the requiring duty from another, but the performing what belongs to thyself, that will make thee a Christian; that will comfort thee in temptation, rejoice thee in death, and stand for thee in judgment.

3. In a word. Know thy own duty, mark thy own failings, and thou wilt not quarrel with thy yoke-fellow. There is no better means of peace, than for every one to learn his own work, and labour to mend his own faults. Have you then both been to blame? Repent both, and strain not courtesy which shall begin. Hast thou been a foolish, passionate, or an unkind husband? Not regarding thy wife’s good? Cry not, “She has been thus and thus;” but repent of thy own sin. Seriously confess it to God. Beseech him to make thee a better husband, that she may be a better wife. Hast thou been a brawling, disobedient, or discontented wife? Ask thy heart before God, and dissemble not. If so, clamour not against thy husband, exclaim not against his passion or unkindness; but condemn thyself, and call upon God, to make thee reverence and obey thy husband, as a commander under him. Intreat him to make thee a better wife, that he may be a better husband. Let each mend one, I mean himself, and contention will cease. Pray each for yourself first, then for the other: labour to see wherein you yourself have offended: and be not skilful to cast the fault upon another, but to cast it out of yourself. So shall your loves be sure, your lives comfortable, your deaths happy, and your memories blessed for ever.

4. Before I conclude, it may not be improper to sum up the duty of married persons, as parents, and as masters. Their duty as parents respects either the temporal or the spiritual good of their children. With regard to the former, you owe them protection and provision of necessaries, according to that rank and degree, wherein the wisdom of God has placed you. You are carefully to protect your children, from all the evils and dangers, to which infancy, childhood and youth are exposed. You are also to nourish and sustain them; not only to provide for them for the present, but to take care for their future subsistence. If you have not a patrimony to leave them, it behoves you to leave them an art or calling, whereby thro’ diligence, with the blessing of God, they may procure food convenient for them. *In the choice of this calling, you should chiefly have an eye to their general Christian calling, and consider not so much what will conduce most to their temporal profit or honour, as what will most effectually advance their spiritual and eternal interest. This is a weighty point: it were well if all parents would deeply lay it to heart. It should next be considered, whether the calling proposed be suitable to their genius and inclination: which are to be consulted on this head, only not as much as their eternal welfare.

5. With regard to their spiritual good, your first labour of love is, to present them to God in baptism. You are then to inure them to good, to instruct and admonish them, to educate them in the knowledge and fear of God, to season their minds as early as possible with the fundamental truths of religion, and in such a manner as is best suited to their capacity, to train them up in all holiness. Every instruction should be seconded by example. Let them continually see, as well as hear, how they ought to walk acceptably, and to please God. Be peculiarly careful to set before your children the copies and patterns of the virtues which you teach. And let them neither see nor hear any thing from you, which you would not desire to have copied by them. Even an Heathen, and none of the most virtuous, could say,

Maxima debetur pueris reverentia.

We ought to reverence and stand in awe of children that nothing may be spoken or done in their sight, which may taint their tender minds. They are prone to imitate any; but more especially those who are so nearly related to them. Which undoubtedly they will be most ready to do, when example strikes in with their natural propensity to evil.

6. If neither good examples nor instructions will prevail, then correction becomes a duty. And this should first be given in words, before you proceed to severer methods: yet not in railing, or foul or bitter language, but in calm and sober reproof. If that fail too, then use the rod. But whenever this correction is given, let it be with all the expressions of love and concern, which the nature of the thing will admit. Let it be timely, before ill habits are contracted, at least, before they have time to take root. And let it be moderate, not exceeding the quality of the fault, or the tenderness of the child. Immoderate, or ill-natured and passionate correction, is so far from profiting children, that it very frequently frets and sharpens their spirits, and makes them more stubborn and untractable. If they are of a softer temper, it frights and dispirits them. This is also the natural effect, of a sour, harsh, unkind behaviour. Hence those solemn cautions of the apostle, Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath, (Eph. vi. 4.) Avoid whatever tends thereto. Use no demeanor, no actions or words, or way of speaking, which has such a tendency. And again, Fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged, Col. iii. 21. It is a different word from that used in the former text, Μὴ ἐρεθιζετε Do not purposely fret or teize them: lest you should dishearten them too much, lest you should destroy their courage and vigour of mind, and make them of a faint, fearful, dastardly spirit. The direction doubtless belongs to both the parents, but is more immediately addrest to fathers, as they are generally of rougher and harsher spirits than the mothers, and not so much restrained by natural fondness. Lastly, correction must not be given in anger: if it be, it will lose its effect on the child, who will think he is corrected, not because he has done a fault, but because the parent is angry.

7. These directions chiefly relate to young children. But even after they are grown up, you are still engaged, to watch over their souls, to observe how they practise the precepts, which have been inculcated upon them from time to time, and to exhort, encourage, and reprove them accordingly. You are also to bless them, first by your prayers. Parents are under a peculiar obligation, by daily and earnest prayer to commend their children to God’s protection and blessing. You are, secondly, to bless them by your piety. See that you be such persons in all holiness of conversation, that from you the blessing of God may descend upon your posterity.

8. As masters, you are, 1. To be just to your servants, whether apprentices, journeymen, or houshold servants, in faithfully and exactly performing the conditions on which they engaged to serve you: particularly with regard to food, and the other necessaries or conveniences of life. You are, 2. To admonish and reprove them for their faults, more especially faults against God. But let this be done with all tenderness and mildness; forbearing not only bitter and opprobious language, but even threatening, knowing that your master is in heaven, and that there is no respect of persons with him. You are, 3. To set a good example to your servants; otherwise reproving will be but lost labour. It is your duty, 4. To provide them with all means of necessary instruction, and to allow them sufficient time to worship God, in private as well as in public. You are, 5. To beware that you give them only reasonable and moderate commands, that you do not make their service toilsome to them, by laying on them greater burdens than they can bear, or greater than you would impose, or they would bear, if they were not of the houshold of faith. Lastly, You are to encourage them in well-doing, by using them with that kindness, which their faithfulness, diligence, and piety deserve: in all your dealings with them remembring, you are to give an account to your master of the usage of your meanest servant.

Directions to Children.

1.CHILDREN, says the apostle writing to the Ephesians, (chap. vi. ver. 1.) Obey your parents in the Lord. To which he adds, Honour thy father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise, (with a particular promise annexed; for the promise annexed to the second commandment, does not belong to the keeping that command in particular, but the whole law:) that it may be well with thee, and thou mayst live long upon the earth. And this promise is by no means to be confined to the time of the Jewish dispensation. On the contrary, there are not wanting many instances, even in later times, of persons eminently dutiful to their parents, who have been rewarded with eminent health and prosperity. Tho’ still it is acknowledged, that this promise, as most others, may be understood under the Christian dispensation, in a spiritual and more exalted sense.

2. But how are children to honour their fathers and mothers? First, by reverencing them. This is an unquestionable duty, manifestly contained in the very term honour. And this inward reverence is to appear, in the whole outward behaviour. It is to be expressed both in their speeches and gestures, in their words and actions. Their speech should always testify honour, giving them the most respectful titles which their condition will bear. Likewise (unless on some peculiar occasions) your words before them should be few. For talkativeness before any person, has the appearance of disrespect. You should also carry yourself with all lowliness and modesty, while in the presence of your parents: so that your whole carriage may be the natural expression of the respect lodged in your hearts.

3. This reverence is not to be with-held, on account of either their supposed or real infirmities. For be the faults of the parents ever so great, this gives the children no authority to despise them: seeing whatever their tempers or their behaviour be, they are your parents still. Neither are you to take any step which might cause others to despise them. You cannot therefore mention their faults to others, without bringing guilt upon your own soul. You cannot mention them behind their back, and be guiltless. It is your part to conceal all their faults and infirmities, to the uttermost of your power. Be not like Ham, who bewrayed his father’s nakedness, and was cursed of God to his latest posterity. Rather imitate the piety of Japhet and Shem: cover with all care whatever you disapprove of in a parent. Hide it from every one else, and, if it were possible, even from yourself.

4. A second duty which children owe to their parents is love. We are to bear them a deep, real kindness, an earnest, tender good-will, heartily desiring all manner of good to them, and abhorring to speak or do any thing, which might give them uneasiness. This will appear no more than common gratitude, if we remember, what our parents have done for us. That they were the instruments not only of bringing us into the world, but also of sustaining us after: and certainly they that weigh the cares and fears which attend the bringing up of a child, will judge the love of the child to be but a moderate return for them. This love is to be exprest several ways. First, in all kindness of behaviour, carrying ourselves, not barely with awe and respect, but with tenderness and affection. It is to be exprest, secondly, in praying for them. The debt which a child owes to a parent, is so inconceivably great, that he can never hope, fully to discharge it himself. He is therefore to seek the assistance of God, and continually to beg him that has all power in heaven and earth, to return whatever good his parents have done him, seven-fold into their own bosom.

5. A third duty which children owe to their parents is obedience. As this is plainly implied in the fifth commandment, so it is expresly enjoined by the apostle: Children, obey your parents in the Lord. (Eph. vi. 1.) And again, Children, obey your parents in all things; for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. (Col. iii. 20.) We owe them obedience in all things, unless where their commands are contrary to the commands of God. In every thing of an indifferent nature, whatever they enjoin, we are to do. The case is the same with regard to the authority of parents over their children, as with regard to that of husbands over their wives. The will of your parent is a law to you, as soon as it is signified to you. You are to comply with it immediately, not for wrath, not only to avoid this, but also for conscience sake. Such is the will of God concerning you: so high is the authority which he hath entrusted them with.

6. And yet we are to obey them only in the Lord: only so far as consists with his authority over us. Therefore, if any of their commands are contrary to the commands of God, in that case our duty to God must be preferred. If therefore any parent should be so wicked as to require his child to steal, to lie, or to do any thing unlawful, the child offends not against his duty, tho’ he disobey that command. Nay, he must disobey; otherwise he offends against an higher duty, even that which every child of man owes to his Father which is in heaven. Yet when it is necessary to refuse obedience, it should be done in so modest and respectful a manner, that it may plainly appear, not stubbornness but conscience is the ground of that refusal. Let this appear likewise by your ready and chearful compliance with all their lawful commands: as well knowing, that wherever the command of a parent is not contrary to any command of God, there the child is in conscience bound to obey, whether in a weightier or lighter matter.

7. *Nothing therefore but the unlawfulness of their command, can excuse the disobeying our parents. If any instance of disobedience is more inexcusable than others, it is the marrying against, or even without their consent. Indeed, parents have so peculiar a right to their children, that to give themselves away without their allowance, is not only an high act of disobedience, but of flagrant injustice. And hence we see, that among God’s antient people, if a young woman had even made a vow, she was not suffered to perform it, without the consent of the parent, (Numb. xxx. 5.) Indeed children ought to have a negative voice, and not be compelled to marry without their own consent. But if they marry without the consent of their parents, let them expect no blessing from God.

8. A fourth duty which children owe to their parents, is the assisting them in their wants, of what kind soever they be, whether sickness or weakness of body, decay of understanding, or lowness of estate. In all these the child is bound to assist them, according to his ability. For the two former, weakness of body and infirmity of mind, none can doubt of the duty, when they remember how every child did in his infancy receive the same benefits from his parents. The child had then no strength to support, no understanding to guide itself. But the care of the parent supplied both these: and therefore in common gratitude, when either of these becomes the parent’s case, the child is to perform the same office again. Likewise, as to the relieving their poverty, it is but just to sustain thy parents, who formerly sustained thee. And that this is also implied in honouring our father and mother, our Lord himself teaches. For when he accuses the Pharisees of rejecting the commandment of God, that they might cleave to their own traditions, he instances in this particular, concerning the relieving of parents. Hence it is manifest, this is a part of the duty, which is enjoined in the fifth commandment. And such a duty it is, that no pretence whatever can release us from the performance of it. This should be carefully observed. No fault of the parent can acquit a child of this duty. For as St. Peter tells servants, that they must be subject, out of conscience toward God, not only to good and gentle masters, but also to the froward: so certainly it concerns children, to perform every instance of filial duty, not only to kind and virtuous parents, but to the harshest and wickedest. For tho’ gratitude to a kind and tender parent, be a forcible motive to make a child pay his duty, yet that is not the principal, and much less the only ground for it. This is laid in the authority of God, who commands us to honour our parents. And therefore, were we to suppose a parent to have been so unnatural, as never to have done any thing to oblige a child, yet notwithstanding this, the commandment of God would remain in its full force: and what is prescribed therein we are bound to perform, whether the tie of gratitude be added or no.

Directions to Servants.

1.ST. Paul confirms his directions to masters by that consideration, that they also have a master in heaven, and there is no respect of persons with him. He regards no man’s outward condition: the poor and the rich are the same to him, and the servant is as his master. And the apostle, it seems, had learned of him, to be without respect of persons. For he has the same care for servants as for their masters, and is as large in his advices to them: nay, much more so; probably considering, that they had fewer advantages of education, and fewer opportunities of instruction. He is therefore remarkably particular in his directions to these, which are given at large in the epistle to the Ephesians, and to the Colossians. He gives them farther directions in the first epistle to Timothy, and again in the epistle to Titus. If we add hereto the advices given them by St. Peter, we shall have a full account of the duties of Christian servants.

2. The great duty required of all servants is subjection or obedience to their masters. So St. Peter (1 Pet. ii. 18.) Servants be subject to your masters; St. Paul, exhort servants to be subject to their own masters: and again, both to the Ephesians and Colossians, (Eph. vi. 5. Col. iii. 22.) Servants, obey your masters after the flesh. Allowing that these are your masters only in a qualified sense, and only during this state of flesh and blood; allowing you have but one proper, absolute master, to whom you owe unlimited subjection: yet to these also, as being invested with a part of his power, you owe a limited obedience and subjection.

3. Indeed this obedience varies according to the various kinds of service wherein servants are connected with their masters. The sorts of servants most common among us are, 1. Labourers, or workmen, with whom we agree by the day, to do such work at such a price, and who accordingly serve us during that time: 2. Journeymen, whom we agree with for a longer space, to assist us in our calling, on such conditions: 3. Houshold servants, who usually contract by the year, to perform, on the considerations specified, either some particular branch of houshold work, or (if there be only one servant) all manner of work whatever from time to time is needful to be done in the family. 4. Apprentices, who are engaged for several years, chiefly to serve their masters in their particular trade or calling. Now, how far are all or any of these obliged in conscience, to obey and be subject to their own masters?

4. The apostle answers. During the time agreed, obey your masters after the flesh in all things: that is, in all things specified in that agreement which was made when you entered into service. So a labourer or workman is, during his short service, to follow the direction of him that hired him. A journeyman is to do the same, with regard to that work which he agreed to perform. Domestic servants (to whom particularly St. Peter speaks; for this is the proper meaning of οἱ οἰκέται) are obliged to obey their master or mistress, either in one branch of houshold-business, if they contracted for this, or otherways with respect to the whole work of the house: doing every thing at such times and in such a manner, as is appointed by their superior. And an apprentice is to obey, according to the terms of his indenture, wherein it is usually agreed, by his parents or friends, in what kind of service he shall be employed, according to the discretion of his master.

5. To sum up this. This first¹ part of a servant’s obedience, is, to forbear doing things of his own head, without or against the consent of his master: the reason whereof is plain. During the time of his service, he is not his own; neither ought the things he does, to be for himself. Both his person and his actions are all his masters; and the will of his master is his rule. In particular, servants, 1. may not go whither they will, but only where they are ordered, or at least, permitted to go. 2. They ought not to do their own business. When Jacob was Laban’s servant, tho’ he had flocks of his own, yet he fed his master’s flocks, and committed his own to his sons, Gen. xxx. 35, 36. 3. They are not to do what business they please themselves, but what is allotted them by their master. 4. They ought not to marry, while the time of their service lasts, without the consent of their master. 5. They may not before their covenanted time expires, go away from their master.

6. The second part of a servant’s obedience is, to do whatever his master commands. To look to the hand of his master, (as David speaks) ready to execute any thing he would have done. He is also to obey, by hearkening to his instructions, not only in matters of his secular calling, but likewise in the things of God, in whatever concerns his Christian calling.