Volume 8 / Act 3 — SCENE II.—The Street before Lopez's House.

Enter Sancho, habited like Don Alonzo de Cardona, with a hunch-back, Dalinda meeting him.

Dal. I watched your coming at the window, and told my father. He's coming out to welcome you.

San. But if I chance to break out into a little wit sometimes, you'll excuse my frailty.

Dal. Pugh, you are so suspicious of yourself, and have so little reason for it. Be as witty as you can; I fear you not.

Enter Don Lopez, and salutes him.

Lop. Noble Conde, you are welcome from the wars. And who did best in the battle, I beseech your honour?

San. Why, next my honour, one colonel Sancho did best.

Lop. Who, Sancho? he's little better than a coxcomb.

San. Nay, he has too much wit; if he had as much grace, 'twould be better for him.

Lop. But he's your lordship's rival in my daughter.

San. Is he so? then make much of him, old gentleman.

Lop. You would not have me prefer him to your excellency?

San. Faith, you can hardly chuse amiss betwixt us two; he's my other self, man.

Lop. I make a vast difference betwixt you.

San. That shall be a very good jest between you and me another time.

Dal. [Aside.] The fool's too much a fool; he's going to discover himself, if I prevent it not.—[To Lopez.] Make haste, father, and put him upon the point, or he'll give me up to Sancho.

Lop. Let Sancho be no fool, since your lordship pleases; for he is not bound to make my daughter any satisfaction, as you are.

San. And satisfaction she shall have. What, I hope you don't think I am a eunuch?

Dal. [Aside.] Oh heaven! I shall be ruined between them; I forgot to instruct my father not to meddle with that point.—[To Lopez.] Say no more of it, I beseech you, sir.

Lop. [To her.] 'Tis for thy good; let me alone.— You know you have injured the poor girl, my lord.

San. Not to my remembrance, sennor. You and I may have quarrelled, I confess, and I think I may have given you some hard words to-day.

Dal. [Aside.] Now has he forgotten he's my lord, and is harping upon the quarrel he had with him as Sancho. This must end in my destruction.

Lop. Your lordship and I can have had no quarrel to-day, for I have not seen you this twelvemonth.

San. That's true; now I remember myself, you have not.

Lop. But that you have wronged my daughter is manifest.

Dal. [To Sancho.] Sir, I must needs speak a word with you in private. If you love me, confess you have enjoyed me; for I told my father so, on purpose to make him the more condescending to the match.

San. [To her.] A word to the wise, I understand you. Now you shall see me top upon the old fellow [To Lopez.] Well, sennor, I won't stand with you for a night's lodging with your daughter; I acknowledge I have been a little familiar with her, or so: but, to make her amends, I will marry her, and consummate with her most abundantly.

Lop. Then all shall be set right, and the man shall have his mare again.

Enter Carlos, habited like Sancho.

Lop. What, another Don Alonzo? this is prodigious!

Carl. [Aside, seeing Sancho.] Bless me, the post is taken up already, and the true count is here before me.

Dal. [Aside.] This is not my Conde; but some other counterfeit. [To Sancho.] You are as true a count as he: stand to your likeness.

San. Would I were out of my likeness! [Sneaking back.

Dal. Put forward, man, I'll second you.

San. But what a devilish high back he has gotten too? he'll carry me away a pick-a-pack, that's certain.

Carl. [Aside.] I find him now: by their whispering and by his aukwardness, this must be Sancho; and I'll out-face him. [To Lopez.] Sennor Don Lopez, I am come, by your permission, to renew my addresses to your fair daughter.

Lop. Your lordship is most welcome.

San. Whose lordship?

Lop. Why, one of your lordships; I know not which, for by your backs you are both my lords. That's as you two can agree the matter.

San. [To Carlos.] Sirrah, where did you steal that back of mine?

Carl. Sirrah, I was born with it; but what he-camel has your mother been dealing withal, that you are begotten in my resemblance?

San. What, I hope you wont pretend to pass for the true Conde?

Carl. I am Don Alonzo de Cardona.

San. And so am I.

Carl. If you stay a little longer, I'll stretch your bones, till you are as strait as an arrow.

San. Do not provoke me; I am mischievously bent.

Carl. Nay, you are bent enough in conscience; but I have a bent fist for boxing.

San. And I have a strait foot for kicking. [They come up to each other.

Lop. Here will be bloodshed immediately.—Hold, noblemen both; will ye be content that I should examine ye, and then stand to my award which is the true Conde?

San. Well, to save Christian blood, I will.

Carl. And, to save Jewish blood,—that is your blood, sirrah,—I am contented too.

Lop. [To Carlos.] What command had you, my lord, in the last battle?

Carl. I had none; I was a volunteer, and charged with honourable Colonel Carlos in the fight.

Lop. [To Sancho.] And what command had your lordship there?

San. I had none neither; and I charged with that rogue Carlos.

Lop. [Aside.] So far they are both right, as I have heard. [To Sancho.] And what became of you afterwards?

San. Now I am posed; for Carlos told me he knew nothing of the count afterward:—Sennor, I do not well remember what became of me, for I was in a very great passion; but I did prodigious things, that is certain.

Carl. [To Lop.] Sennor, you may see he is a counterfeit, because he knows nothing of himself; but I, the true Conde, was trodden under the horses' feet, and lay for dead above half an hour.

San. Well, and now I remember myself, I was laid for dead too, for just about half a year.

Lop. [To Dal.] This is the wrong lord; he can say nothing but what the other lord has said before him.

Dal. Then he's the likelier to be the true Conde; for he's a fool, father.

Carl. You see, sennor, he does not remember what became of him, as I said before.

San. How would you have a man remember, when he was laid for dead?

Carl. But I recovered, rogue, and pursued the enemy.

San. And I recovered, and pursued them too, for above an hundred miles together, at full speed.

Lop. That's farther than you needed, by three-score miles; for 'tis but forty from the place of battle to the city.

Carl. Yes, at full speed upon the same horse, and never drew bit neither.

San. [To Dal.] Help me, dear Dalinda! I am bogged, you see.

Dal. [To him.] That's with pursuing your enemies too far; but I'll help you out again—[To Lopez.]—Pray, sir, let me examine them a little.

Lop. You'll make nothing of that first Conde.

Dal. Yes, a son-in-law, I warrant you.—[To them.] Which of you two promised me marriage?

Both. I did.

Dal. [To Carl.] And did you enjoy me?

Carl. Heaven forbid, madam! What, before marriage?

Dal. [To San.] And what did you?

San. I did enjoy her; so I did: and there I was before you, for a false Conde, as you are.

Carl. Speak for yourself, madam, and clear your reputation from that scandalous companion.

Dal. [With her Fan before her Face.] I must confess the true Conde has enjoyed me; the more my frailty.

Lop. The matter mends on that side.

San. Now, goodman Goose-cap, who's the most a man of honour, he, who has enjoyed a fair lady, or he, who has only licked his lips, and gone without her?

Carl. [Aside.] I see she takes his part; this is all a lie contrived betwixt them.

Enter a Messenger.

Mess. [To Dal.] Madam, I am sent to you on a sad errand from the late Conde Don Alonzo, who was killed in the last battle.

Lop. You are mistaken, friend; for here he stands alive and well. [Pointing to Sancho.] And, for fear of failing, here's a counterpart of him. [Pointing to Carlos.

Mess. Do not abuse yourself, sennor; neither of these is the true Conde: I took him from under the horses' feet, and he had only life enough to say, remember me to my fair Dalinda.

Lop. [To San.] What does your lordship say to this?

San. He was fairly killed, I must confess; but I can give you a better account of his lordship afterwards.

Lop. You? why, who are you?

San. Nay, I am he too.

Mess. You see he's a counterfeit; and so is the other.

Lop. 'Tis too true.

Dal. Did the Conde leave me nothing in his will?

Mess. Not a cross, madam.

Dal. There's the same payment for your news; be gone, poor fellow. [Exit Messenger.

Carl. At least I have the satisfaction, that he's discovered as well as I am. [Throwing off some part of his disguise.] Now, Sancho, you are welcome to the discovery of your fine intrigue.

Lop. Then, Sancho, I make good my word to you; since the Conde is dead, you stand fairest for my daughter;—and you, cousin Carlos, with your wit and your poverty, are in statu quo.—Come away, son-in-law, and leave the forsaken lover to make himself a willow garland.

[Exeunt Sancho, Lopez, and Dalinda.

Carl. Yet if I could hinder Sancho from marrying her, I should make myself some satisfaction. I'll think on't farther; and something comes into my head already.

[Stands musing.

Enter Alphonso.

Alph. Now, Carlos, what make you here in this disguise? I have been looking for you at least half an hour.

Carl. Only a masquerade, sir; an innocent diversion in times of peace.

Carl. Just my own condition: I have had a revolution in my small affairs too; I am banished, and going to look for the next commodious tree to make a wry face upon it.

Carl. No, sir; I shall never break with you for so small a matter as a rebellion. I warrant you for my soldiers; they'll never flinch, when there's a town to plunder.