Volume 10 — BREITMANN IN POLITICS

Showing How Mr. Hiram Twine "Played Off" on Smith

BY CHARLES GODFREY LELAND

Vide licet: Dere vas a fillage Whose vode alone vouldt pe Apout enoof to elegdt a man, Und gife a mayority; So de von who couldt scoop dis seddlement Vould make a pully hit; Boot dough dey vere Deutschers, von und all, Dey all go von on Schmit. Now it happenet to gome to bass Dat in dis liddle town De Deutsch vas all exshpegdin Dat Mishder Schmit coom down, His brinciples to fore-setzen Und his ideés to deach, (Dat is, fix oop de brifate pargains) Und telifer a pooblic sbeech. Now Twine vas a gyrotwistive cuss, Ash blainly ish peen shown, Und vas alfays an out-findin Votefer might pe known; Und mit some of his circumswindles He fix de matter so Dat he'd pe himself at dis meetin And see how dings vas go. Oh shtrangely in dis leben De dings kits vorked apout! Oh voonderly Fortuna Makes toorn us insite out! Oh sinkular de luck-wheel rolls! Dis liddle meeding dere Fixt Twine ad perpendiculum— Shoost suit him to a hair! Now it hoppenit on dis efenin De Deutschers, von und all, Vere avaitin mit impatience De openin of de ball; Und de shates of nite vere fallin Und de shdars begin to plink, Und dey vish dat Schmit vouldt hoorry, For 'dvas dime to dake a trink. Dey hear some hoofs a-dramplin, Und dey saw, und dinked dey knowed, Der bretty greature coomin, On his horse along de road; Und ash he ride town in-ward De likeness vas so plain Dey donnered out, "Hooray for Schmit!" Enough to make it rain. Der Twine vas shtart like plazes; Boot oopshtarted too his wit, Und he dinks, "Great Turnips! what if I Could bass for Colonel Schmit? Gaul dern my heels! I'll do it, Und go the total swine! Oh, Soap-balls! what a chance!" said dis Dissembulatin Twine. Den 'twas "Willkomm! willkomm, Mishder Schmit!" Ringsroom on efery site; Und "First-rate! How dy-do yourself?" Der Hiram Twine replied. Dey ashk him, "Come und dake a trink?" But dey find it mighdy queer Ven Twine informs dem none boot hogs Vould trink dat shtinkin bier; Dat all lager vas nodings boot boison; Und ash for Sherman wein, He dinks it vas erfounden Exshbressly for Sherman schwein; Dat he himself vas a demperanceler— Dat he gloria in de name; Und atfise dem all, for tecency's sake, To go und do de same. Dese bemarks among de Deutschers Vere apout ash vell receife Ash a cats in a game of den-bins, Ash you may of coorse peliefe: De heat of de reception Vent down a dootzen tegrees, Und in place of hurraws dere vas only heardt De rooslin of de drees. Und so in solemn stille Dey scorched him to de hall, Vhere he maket de oradion Vitch vas so moosh to blease dem all; Und dis vay he pegin it: "Pefore I furder go, I vish dat my obinions You puddin-het Dootch should know. "Und ere I norate to you, I think it only fair We should oonderstand each other Prezactly, chunk and square. Dere are boints on vhich ve tisagree, And I will plank de facts— I don't go round slanganderin My friendts pehind deir packs. "So I beg you dake it easy If on de raw I touch, Vhen I say I can't apide de sound Of your groontin, shi-shing Dutch. Should I in the Legisladure As your slumgullion shtand, I'll have a bill forbidding Dutch Troo all dis 'versal land. "Should a husband talk it to his frau, To deat' he should pe led; If a mutter breat' it to her shild, I'd bunch her in de head; Und I'm sure dat none vill atfocate Ids use in public schools, Oonless dey're peastly, nashdy, prutal, Sauerkraut-eaten vools." Here Mishder Twine, to gadder breat, Shoost make a liddle pause, Und see sechs hundert gapin eyes, Sechs hundert shdarin chaws, Dey shtanden erstarrt like frozen; Von faindly dried to hiss; Und von set: "Ish it shleeps I'm treamin? Gottausend! vat ish dis?" Twine keptet von eye on de vindow, Boot poldly went ahet: "Of your oder shtinkin hobits No vordt needt hier pe set. Shtop goozlin bier—shtop shmokin bipes— Shtop rootin in de mire; Und shoost un-Dutchify yourselfs: Dat's all dat I require." Und denn dere coomed a shindy, Ash if de shky hat trop: "Trow him mit ecks, py doonder! Go shlog him on de kop! Hei! Shoot him mit a powie-knifes; Go for him, ganz and gar! Shoost tar him mit some fedders! Led's fedder him mit tar!" Sooch a teufel's row of furie Vas nefer oop-kickt before: Soom roosh to on-climb de blatform— Soom hoory to fasten te toor: Von veller vired his refolfer, Boot de pullet missed her mark: She coot de cort of de shandelier: It vell, und de hall vas tark! Oh, vell was it for Hiram Twine Dat nimply he couldt shoomp; Und vell dat he light on a misthauf, Und nefer feel de boomp; Und vell for him dat his goot cray horse Shtood sattled shoost outside; Und vell dat in an augenblick He vas off on a teufel's ride. Bang! bang! de sharp pistolen shots Vent pipin py his ear, Boot he tortled oop de barrick road Like any mountain deer: Dey trowed der Hiram Twine mit shteins, But dey only could be-mark Von climpse of his vhite obercoadt, Und a clotterin in de tark. So dey all versembled togeder, Ein ander to sprechen mit, Und allow dat sooch a rede Dey nefer exshpegd from Schmit— Dat he vas a foorst-glass plackguard, And so pig a Lump ash ran; So, nemine contradicente, Dey vented for Breitmann. Und 'twas annerthalb yar dereafter Before der Schmit vas know Vot maket dis rural fillage Go pack oopon him so; Und he schvored at de Dootch more schlimmer Ash Hiram Twine had tone. Nota bene: He tid it in earnesht, Vhile der Hiram's vas pusiness fun. Boot vhen Breitmann heard de shdory, How de fillage hat peen dricked, He shvore bei Leib und Leben He'd rader hafe been licked Dan be helped bei sooch shumgoozlin; Und 'twas petter to pe a schwein Dan a schwindlin honeyfooglin shnake, Like dat lyin Yankee Twine. Und pegot so heafy disgoosted Mit de boledicks of dis land, Dat his friendts couldn't barely keep him From trowin oop his hand, Vhen he helt shtraidt flush, mit an ace in his poot; Vich phrase ish all de same, In de science of de pokerology, Ash if he got de game. So Breitmann cot elegtet, Py vollowin de vay Dey manage de elegdions Unto dis fery day; Vitch shows de Deutsch Dummehrlichkeit, Also de Yankee "wit": Das ist Abenteuer How Breitmann lick der Schmit.