The Sixth Pleasure.

The Woman hath got the Breeches. What mischeefes arise by it. Counsel for the unmarried. To shun those that are evil natured.

Under a thousand Pleasures that we find in the estate of marriage, it is none of the least, to see the Woman put the breeches on, seeming that she will act the part of a Jack-pudding. But melancoly men oftentimes cannot bear with such sort of jesting, and presently bawl and rail at such a Woman, calling her a Monster, or some other ill name. Although they know very well that such sort of Monsters are now a daies so common, that if they were all to be shewn in Booths for farthings a peece, there would be less spectators, then there was to see the Sheep with five legs, or the great Crocodile.

Verily, such men are unhappy, and they do not a little also neglect these Pleasures; when they, forsooth, think that by the putting on of the breeches, must be understood that they are over Lorded, and that the Hen crows louder then the Cock. O miserable man, if your head be possest with this kind of frenzy, and can't be removed! Verily, if you had but seen the Plate of the Women fighting for the Breeches, you would be of another judgement. For in those daies the man was glad to be rid of them, if he could but get the lining untorn or indamaged; for he saw perfectly that the World was at that time so full of those pretty Beldams, that there was begun a most bloody War between the better sort of Gentlewomen, and the meaner degree of Women, for the gaining of the Breeches, wherein Ketels and Pans, Tongs and Fireshovels, Spinning-wheels, Brooms and Maps were all beaten out of fashion. And it may very well be thought, that if the Woman had put them on at first, and so have helpt him to have kept them, this wonderfull and destructive War would never have risen to that fury. Therefore it is no small prudence of the Women in these daies, who are descended from that family, to take care, at the very first, for the good of their husbands, that the Breeches may be well preserved.

But let's be serious, and pass by all these kind of waggeries; if we consider the husband as Captain, and the Wife as Lieutenant, is it not in the highest degree necessary, that she should have also a part of the masculine knowledge and authority? Besides, women must be silent in Politick and Church-government, why should not they have somthing to say in those places where they are houswives? We see certainly, that the men, for the most part, cannot tarry at home, and will be going hither or thither to take the air, or for his pleasure, or to smoke a pipe of Tabacco; as is shew'd you in the Fifth Confession; if then, in the mean while, the Woman, through occasion of some Customers in the Shop, or in the government of the Men and Maid-servants should not in some measure shew that she had in part the Breeches on, and that she could in the absence of her Captain, take care of his Command; how is it possible that the Trading should be kept in order, and the Children and Servants well governed? I will not so much as mention that there are several men, who are so dull-brain'd, and so excessive careless, that if they had not had the good fortunes to get notable sharp-witted young women to their Wives; they of themselves would have been quickly out of breath, and might now perhaps be found in the Barbado's or Bermoodo's planting Tabacco.

O stout Amazonians, who thus couragiously, take the Weapons in hand, to defend and protect your Husbands, Children, Servants and houskeeping; why should not you have as great commendations given you, as those noble Souls of your Sex had in former times? and who would not rather ingage in the imbracing of you, then any waies to affront or bespatter you?

I know wel enough there will come some times a whiffling blade, that will be relating one or other long-nosed story, how like a drunken Nabal, he was well instructed by his prudent and diligent wife; and how little that he would obey or listen to the commands of so brave a Captain; but they will very seldom or never say any thing what grounds or provocatives they have given her for so doing.

Nevertheless my intent is, not so much to flatter the evil or bad natured women, as if their throwing out their ire upon their husbands, had alwaies a Lawfull excuse or cause. Just as Xantippe did, who was Socrates's wife, think that she had reason enough on her side to scold, brawl at, and abuse that wise and good natured Philosopher, and to dash him in the face with a whole stream of her hot Marish piss. Or that it did any waies become that hot-ars'd whorish Faustina, to govern that sage and understanding Emperor Marcus Aurelius. By no means, for then that hot-spirited, and high minded sex would prick up their Peacocks-tails so much the higher. But happy would all these hair-brain'd houswives be, if they had such Tutors to their husbands, as Aurelius was; 'tis most certain, that then that corrupt seed, would be cropt in the very bud and not be suffered to come to perfection.

Yet you new married Couple, are both in heart and mind concordant, and all your delight is to please each others fancy: you have no difference about the Supremacy; for the Authority of the one is alwaies submitted to the other; and so much the more because your husband never commands you as if you were a Maid; but with the sweetest and kindest expressions, saith, my Dearest, will you bid the Maid draw a glass of Beer or Wine, or do this or that, &c. Oh if you could but both keep your selves in this state and posture, how happily and exemplarily would you live in this World! But it happens many times, that the Women through length of time, do take upon them, and grow to be so free, that they will be solely and totally Master; and if their husbands through kind-heartedness have given them a little more then ordinary liberty, they will have the last word in spight of fate.

So have I seen one who could by no means keep her self in that first and Paradice-like life; who observing her husbands good nature, thought her self wise enough to govern all things, and to bring him to her Bow; which, by degrees, to his great discontent, did more and more increase in matters of the housekeeping.

But it hapned once that the good man, went to the Market, and having bought a delicate Capon, meets with a friend, whom he invited to be his guest; and going home with it, his wife powts, maunders and mutters and looks so sowr that the guest saw well enough how welcome he should be. The good man with fair and kind words sought to remove this, which was in some measure done.

But a pretty while after, the goodman being in the market, buies a couple of delicate Pullets, and sends them home with a Porter; but the Wife told him she had made ready somthing else, and had no need of them; therefore, let him say what he would, made him bring them back again: The good man meeting with the Porter, and perceiving the cross-grainedness of his wife, sends them to a Tavern to be made ready, and gets a friend or two along with him to dispatch them, and dript them very gallantly with the juice of Grapes. At this, when he came home, his wife grin'd, scolded, and bawl'd; yet done it was, and must serve her for a future example. And she on the contrary persisting in her stif-necked ill nature, made a path-road for the ruine of her self and family, because he afterwards, to shun his wife, frequented more then too much Taverns and Alehouses, and gave the breeches solely to his wife.

Not long ago, just in the like manner, there married an indifferent handsom Gentlewoman, with a proper, handsom, honest and good natured Gentleman; but the Gentlewoman imagining her self to be as wise as a Doctor, acted the part of a Domineerer, controuling, grumbling and chiding at all whatsoever he did; insomuch that all his sweet expressions could no waies allay her; but rather augmented her rage; yea insomuch that at last she saluted him with boxes and buffettings. But he seeing that no, reasons or perswasions would take place, and that she grew the longer the more furious, locks the dore to, and catches her by the coif, instructing her with such a feeling sence, that at last she got open a window and leaps out, thereby escaping the remaining part of that dance. Away she flies immediately to her Father and her Brother, but they, very well knowing her ill-natured obstinacy, both denied her houseroom. Yet the next day, through the intercession of others, there was a pacification made and a truce concluded on, which did not long continue so. For she, beginning again her former wicked actions, made him run to the Tavern there to allay his disturbed sences, leaving her to wear the Breeches. But now they are rid of mony, credit, respect, and every thing else.

Another Gentlewoman of late daies, seeing that she had married a good mild-natured husband, that was not guilty of any vice, exercised her authority and wickedness so much the more over him; yea so far, that in the presence of several neighbors she oftentimes knockt, thumpt, and cudgelled him; that at last she was called by every one The incarnate Divel. But he, after some years of suffering this martyrdom, hapning to dy, there comes another Lover very suddenly to cast himself away upon this Hellish peece of flesh; but she had of him, being a just punishment, such a beloved, that he thunderd her three times as bad about, as she did her first husband; and then flew Pots, Kans and Glasses ringling and gingling along the flore, and she on the top of them, well and warm covered with good thumps and fisty-cuffs, and somtimes traild over the flore by the hair of the head. O miserable terrors of such a horrible State and condition! Who can but shake and quiver, yea with fear start back, when they begin to feel the least motion to the same in their bodies? and so much the more, because that we see that this present World is so mightily replenished with such numbers of monstrous, wicked and unhappy women, who hide their wickedness and ill natures under their powdered locks, and flattring looks; and like a Camelion, in their Maiden estate, will be agreeable to all things that are propounded to them; but being married, they abandon all rationality, make their own passions their masters, and cannot understand by any means the pleasures of their husbands. Though they certainly know, and have daily experience, that there is nothing under the Sun, which hath a bewitchinger power upon the hearts of their husbands, then the friendliness and kind compliance of their Wives. This hath in ancient times done a thousand wonders and is as yet the most powerfull to drive all stuborn and ill-natured humors out of the heads of men; and can lead them, as it were by the hand, in to the paths of Reason, Equity and Love.

O happy Women, who, in this manner have the hearts of men in your hands, and can bring the same to your obedience where you will; what means and waies ought you not to indeavour by dallyings and kind actions to gain the same on your side! you certainly know, that the main Butt which is aim'd at by all mankind, is to pass through this short life of ours with pleasure and quietness: But alas! what life, what rest, what pleasure can he possess in this World, who hath hapned upon a scolding, and no waies friendly wife?

Oh if all Lovers knew this so well, they would never suffer themselves to be led away captive by the jettish eys, and marble-like breasts, or strangle themselves in the curled locks of women; but would imbrace their kind naturedness to be the surpassingest beauty.

But the carnal desires, and covetousness of mony, blindeth the eys of so many, that oftentimes for the satisfaction thereof, they will, contrary to all exhortations, run headlong, and cast themselves into a pit of infinite horrors and vexations of Spirit: chusing rather a proud, finical, blockheaded Virgin with two thousand pound, then a mean, kind-hearted, understanding one, with ten thousand Vertues.

This was that which the prudent King Lycurgus sought to prevent, when he gave out his commands that no Parents should give any portions with their Daughters in marriage, or might leave them any thing for an inheritance; because he would not have them to be desired in marriage by any, but for their beauty and vertues; in those daies the vitious remained, just as now doth the poor ones, most of them unmarried, and cast aside, and every Maid was hereby spur'd up, that her Vertues might in brightness and splendor surpass others.

Happy are you, O Father of the Family, who without the least thoughts of Lycurgus, have made so good a choice and have gotten a Wife that is beautifull, rich, good natured, and vertuous; you learnt first to know her well, that you might the better woe her, and so be happy in marriage. Make this your example, O all you foolish and wandring Lovers, who are so desirous to tast of the Pleasures and sweetness of marriage; and are somtimes so disquieted and troubled till you cast your selves upon an insulting, domineering Wife, who perhaps hath the Breeches already on, and will vex you with all the torments imaginable in the World. Do but use these few remedies for your squandered brains, and be assured they will bring you to have good fortune and tranquility.

Search not after great Riches, but for one of your own degree; for the Rich are insulting, self-conceited, and proud.

Admire no outward beauty; because they are proud of their beauty, and imagine themselves to be Goddesses, whom their husbands ought to obey.

Shun those who are much lesser then your self: For when a mean one finds her self promoted by a great Match, she is much prouder and self-conceited then one of a good extraction; and will much sooner than another indeavour to domineer over her husband.

Dissemble not in your wooing. For dissimulation deceives its own Master.

Be not too hasty. For a thing of importance must be long and prudently considered of, before a final conclusion can be made.

Follow the advice of understanding friends. For to be wise, and in love, was not given to the Gods themselves.

Chuse no Country wench: For she'l want a whole years learning, before she'l know how to shine upon a house or Office, and two years to learn to make a cursie.

If you marry, arm your self with patience. For he that hath the yoke of marriage upon his shoulders, must patiently suffer and indure all the disquiets and troubles that that estate is subject to.

If these things be observed by you innocent and wandring Lovers, they will much assist you in your choice, but not preserve you from being a slave; because the Gentlewoman whom you have chosen, hath till this time be past, had one or other ill condition, which she knew how to hide and dissemble with, that you never so much as thought of, or expected from her. Cornelius Agrippa knew this in his daies, when he said, men must have and keep their wives, e'en as it chanceth; if they be (saies he) merry humored, if they be foolish, if they be unmannerly, if they be proud, if they be sluttish, if they be ugly, if they be dishonest, or whatsoever vice she is guilty of, that will be perceived after the wedding, but never amended. Be therefore very vigilant, you wandring Lovers, and sell not your liberty at so low a price, which cannot be redeemed again with a whole Sea of repentances.

And you, O silent Gentlewomen, methinks you long to know whether there be no remedies for you to be had, that you may also be as well arm'd against the rigid natured, subtle and dissembling Lovers, as well as they have against the vitious Gentlewomen; take notice, that since you have subjected your selves to that foolish fashion of these times, never of your selves to go a wooing; but with patience will expect who will come for you, that rule must be first observed, and regard taken of him that cometh, then it is the time to consider, principally.

Whether he loveth you for your mony, or for your beauty.

Inquire whether he have a good method, or way, for the maintaining of a Family. For if he have not that to build upon, the whole foundation will tumble.

Search also whether he be of an honest, rather then great extraction. For Vertue is the greatest Gentility.

Inquire also whether he be a frequenter of Alehouses; especially of such as are of an evill reput.

If he be covetous of honour, he hath several other Vertues.

Hate a Gamester like the Plague; for they are consumers of all; nay their very gain is loss.

Abhor a person of no imploy, or gadder along the streets; for they are fit for nothing.

If you marry, shew all honour, respect, and love to your husband. Indeavour not to Lordize over him; because that, both by Heaven and nature is given unto him.

In so doing, you will have, as well as our new-married Couple, the expectation of a happy match; which though it falls out well, yet is subject to severall accidental corruptions; as you will perceive in the further Confession of the insuing Pleasures, even as if they were a Looking-glass.