THE RED LIGHT OF MARS (continued 2)
Reading edition
THE DEVIL (to Agnus, groaning)
A mad anarchist let loose with a billion dollars! (Shouting) Come back! I won’t do it!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (outside)
My mother always taught me never to put any trust in The Devil.
THE DEVIL (at the door)
If you don’t come back, I’ll run the paper-cutter through your real body and rid the earth of you. (He makes a threatening pass at Agnus with the knife)
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (outside)
What do I care? I’ve got a better one, and all the money I want. You won’t be able to get near me. And if you try, I’ll have you put in jail as an anarchist. I’m John Magnus, now. (His voice comes from farther away) And Dr. Agnus is the man the police want.
THE DEVIL (sternly)
Come back! Or I’ll find a way to make you! Come back!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (still outside but slightly afraid)
Promise then! No devil’s tricks! Keep your eyes to yourself.
THE DEVIL
I promise! (To Agnus) I need him! He can repudiate that check.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (still outside)
How can I believe you!
THE DEVIL (in awful tones)
You worm! Doubt me, do you?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (whining)
All right, Captain: all right! (He sneaks back, holding up one arm defensively)
THE DEVIL (closing door)
You disobey me again and I’ll make you wish wildcats had stolen you from your mother’s knee.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (whining)
Well, who wants to go to jail?
[The light reappears through the window.
AGNUS (feverishly)
There’s Mr. Magnus back. (Addressing the light) Mr. Magnus—sir—what—what—is it all right?
[The light bobs once solemnly.
AGNUS (relieved)
It’s all right.
THE DEVIL
He wagged once. That means the mattress is torn up.
AGNUS
I asked him: “Is it all right?” And he nodded. (To the light) Didn’t you, Mr. Magnus?
[The light wags crosswise, as though it was shaking its head.
THE DEVIL
He says “no.”
AGNUS
No? Yes?
THE DEVIL
Look here; we agreed: if the bombs were found, once; not found, twice. (To the light) Which is it? Once or twice?
[The light wags once.
AGNUS (wildly)
Oh! oh! oh! I must get away! Hide!
[Fanny flings open the door without knocking.
THE DEVIL (to Agnus, indicating her)
What did I tell you!
[Agnus stops, forgetting all about the police.
THE DEVIL (to Agnus)
Go on! Get away! Hide! Do it!
[Agnus stares at Fanny. Fanny advances as though searching for something. The Devil looks at her inquiringly.
FANNY (to Schwartzenhopfel)
Mr. Magnus, you needn’t think I came back to see him. I left my veil somewhere about.
THE DEVIL (winking to Agnus)
Denver to San Francisco—tooth-brush!
FANNY
I wish you’d help me find it and let me go, Mr. Magnus.
THE DEVIL
So you lost your tooth-brush?
FANNY
Mr. Magnus—my veil—
THE DEVIL
Veil—tooth-brush—any excuse will do.
FANNY (ignoring him)
Mr. Magnus, your chauffeur says the snow’s getting deep. We should start immediately.
THE DEVIL
You take the car, Fanny. You and your mother. You go back. Mr. Magnus stays here.
[Schwartzenhopfel smiles weakly.
FANNY
Mr. Magnus—you—staying here—with this person?
[Schwartzenhopfel smiles more weakly.
FANNY
Not on my account, Mr. Magnus, please. All is over between us.
THE DEVIL (instructively)
In moments of anger, the débutante’s language and the shop-girl’s cannot be distinguished. That is because—while débutantes are taught proper language for ordinary things, no one can be taught proper language for extraordinary things. So, as both débutantes and shop-girls read the best-selling novels, both go to them for the language of distress. Hence the similarity. (With college professor’s gesture) Class on Feminine Psychology dismissed for the day. Our next subject will be: How to Insult Young Ladies so That They Won’t Come Back.
FANNY
You acknowledge you insulted me then?
THE DEVIL
Cheerfully!
FANNY
You hear that, Mr. Magnus?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (with a weak smile)
I hear it.
FANNY
And you—in spite of insults to the daughter of the woman you profess to care for—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
What! (He starts violently)
FANNY
You continue under his roof—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Well, you see, I like the Doc—the Doctor. I am interested in his work. I just gave—
[The Devil nudges him.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (brightly)
Oh, it’s all right, Doctor. I was just going to tell her I gave you a check for two million dollars!
[Fanny stands speechless.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (anxiously, seeing The Devil scowling) Oh, quite legitimate—scientific research. For scientific research—er—rightly researched, you know—what is two million—that is, to me!
THE DEVIL
You fool!
FANNY (to The Devil)
Is this so? (Sees the check in his hand, takes it quickly and stands for a second quiet; then to Schwartzenhopfel, bitterly) Two million! And I suppose he’s not allowed to spend more than two thousand on himself—and wife—
THE DEVIL (sotto voce)
Say “yes.”
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (to The Devil)
What did you say?
[The Devil clenches his fists.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (to Fanny, brightly)
Oh, no limitations—he can spend anything he likes on himself—
FANNY (eagerly)
Say half of what you would have paid him at the Mills?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (anxious to regain The Devil’s good-will) Half? All! All! No strings to my generosity, young lady. I want him to be happy at his work. He can buy an automobile—or a—yacht—or—er—jewellery—or—anything—
FANNY (throwing herself into The Devil’s arms)
Addington! Addington! At last!
[Agnus clenches his fists and starts across room.
THE DEVIL (in an injured tone)
I thought you were going away never to return?
FANNY
And would you have been unhappy, dearest?
THE DEVIL
You just said: “All is over between us”—
FANNY
Just to see what you would say—and I saw—you grew quite red, Addington—
THE DEVIL (bitterly)
Yes—to keep from laughing—
FANNY
Ah! Addington! You are being proud now. Look at me! How I have sunk my pride, determined to get to the bottom of this. I have been wrong. I acknowledge it. I had no right to interfere with your work. I came back to tell you that—to sacrifice myself, too—
[The Devil stares blankly at her. Agnus nudges him fiercely to take his arm away from Fanny. The Devil at last takes his arm away.
FANNY (who has been talking in the meantime)
But Mr. Magnus has repented. He has seen my side of the case, too. We can have a town house now, Addington, with that two million—and two motors—
THE DEVIL (sarcastically)
Oh, can we?
FANNY (reproachfully)
Remember, I was ready to sacrifice everything for you. I didn’t know Mr. Magnus would be so generous. And now—the marriage, dear—when? [Doll Blondin reënters from the stairway, hatless and dressed in a shirtwaist.
DOLL BLONDIN
Who’s going to help your man bring up my trunks?
[Fanny disengages herself from the Devil and stares at Doll: first wildly, then savagely, then catlike.
FANNY (tragically to The Devil)
Explain!
AGNUS (wildly)
Fanny, I can explain everything.
[Fanny pushes him away. Her look is that of a tragedy-queen’s as she advances with folded arms toward The Devil, who smiles impishly, sure now that he has rid himself of her for good.
FANNY
Explain, Addington Agnus!
[The Devil ignites a cigarette at the electric lighter, shrugs his shoulders and smiles again.
DOLL BLONDIN (who has come down to The Devil)
Well, how about those trunks?
THE DEVIL
Oh, Schwartzenhopfel will help you—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (indignantly, as if to say: “Remember I am John Magnus”) What?
THE DEVIL (pointing to Agnus) Him!
[Agnus folds his arms also and does not stir.
THE DEVIL (to Agnus)
Best thing—if the police should look in—
AGNUS (unhappily)
What do I care for the police—or anything—now!
FANNY (to The Devil in a dangerously cold tone)
I have asked for an explanation!
THE DEVIL (irritated)
Oh, don’t try to Sarah Bernhardt it, Fanny. You haven’t the talent. Amateurs trying to be dramatic are only comic.
FANNY (turning suddenly to Doll Blondin with a “woman-to-woman-no-foolishness” air) What are you doing in this house? Are you the new housekeeper, or the parlor-maid?
DOLL BLONDIN (half stunned and half admiring) You cat, you!
FANNY (loudly)
Who is this woman?
DOLL BLONDIN (aroused)
I’m as much the lady as you! Howling and crying around here. What’s the matter? Are you crazy? (Suddenly indignant) Woman? Do you think—(Her Broadway mock modesty and pretended lady-like morality halt her from saying what she means, so she explains shortly) I’m boarding here! (Violently) How dared you think anything else—Woman, yourself!
FANNY (with a dry laugh)
Boarding? Can’t you think of a better story than that? Why should he take boarders?
DOLL BLONDIN (shortly)
Because he needs my twenty a week, I suppose.
[Fanny laughs still more dryly.
DOLL BLONDIN (enraged)
Well, anyway, he ran after me in the street and called me in. (Seeing she has hurt Fanny, she encourages the innuendo wickedly) Said price didn’t matter—he said. (Violently again) But have no fear: I won’t stay here and be insulted: I’ll go—
FANNY
You had better—
THE DEVIL
Miss Blondin, if the place, or the food, or the service is unsatisfactory—go. Otherwise—stay. This lady is nothing to me.
DOLL BLONDIN (in cool admiration)
Well, you are a brute!
FANNY (to The Devil, seeing the admiration and rendered wild by it) I understand now! This is why you’ve changed so suddenly. The sight of this woman of the street—
DOLL BLONDIN (blazing)
What?
FANNY (a little alarmed)
Woman in the street, I said—
DOLL BLONDIN
Oh!
FANNY
And you forget your honor, your duty, your religion—
THE DEVIL
What has religion got to do with it?
FANNY
Everything. Well, I won’t permit it. I care nothing for you. I hate you. But there’s a law in the land that protects defenceless women—
THE DEVIL
Defenceless? Not unless they’re dumb!
FANNY
And I’ll see what the law says. I’ll publish you in every newspaper in the country, and I’ll tell how the great scientist ran after a strange woman—a woman he knew nothing about—and begged her to live in his house so she would be convenient to make love to.
[Doll Blondin looks at him suspiciously.
FANNY
Then where will your reputation be? Your Nobel prize?
DOLL BLONDIN (hastily)
I’m glad I didn’t have my trunks unpacked—
THE DEVIL
Miss Blondin—
DOLL BLONDIN
Who do you think’s paying for my lessons, my education? Think I saved it out of a chorus salary? If somebody in New York were to hear such a story, it would be good-bye to taking part of my pay in three sheets. (Puts out her hand) But I’ll run in on you every now and then to say “Hello.” You are such a brute!
FANNY (standing between them)
You’ll do nothing of the sort, d’you hear?
DOLL BLONDIN
Indeed, miss?
FANNY
Indeed, miss, and indeed, miss—and as for you, Addington Agnus, I’ll stay here in this house—with mother, until our wedding-day—
THE DEVIL (desperately)
By Saturn—I wish I could think of something to do to you—
AGNUS (desperately)
Tell her the truth—the truth. If you don’t want her, I want her—
[A noise is heard outside.
FANNY
You!
AGNUS
Yes, I! Fanny, listen! Here is the truth! (He seizes her, overcome with love, and embraces and kisses her)
[Fanny screams.
AGNUS
Listen, Fanny, I am—
[The noise increases. The door is thrown open, and through it are seen a Detective-lieutenant and his two men, all in plain clothes, as well as Sheriff Peattie and Judge Critty. They appear just in time to see Agnus embrace Fanny and to hear her scream.
JUDGE CRITTY
Here are the police you called for, Mr. Magnus. I brought them as fast as I could.
[Schwartzenhopfel dodges instinctively at the word “Police.” Agnus releases Fanny and plunges headforemost onto the sofa, where he hides ostrich-like among the pillows.
JUDGE CRITTY (pointing to The Devil)
There’s the gentleman!
PEATTIE
What? Doctor Agnus?
JUDGE CRITTY
He’s as much my friend as yours, Constable. But he must have gone insane. I saw him—through that window—threatening Mr. Magnus there with a knife. Mr. Magnus was—I regret to say—reduced to kneeling for mercy and calling for the police—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (with shamefaced recollection)
Oh, that was—that was—well—(Looks to The Devil for assistance)
THE DEVIL
That was only a little play we were rehearsing for charity. Don’t you understand—a rehearsal—Ha! Ha! A rehearsal!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
That’s it—play—charity—rehearsal—
JUDGE CRITTY (covered with confusion)
I’m sure I’m sorry—
PEATTIE
I’m right glad—I’d hate to see Senator Agnus’s son in trouble. My apologies, Doctor—for these three New York detectives too—they just happened to be by when the Judge located me, and they came along to help me—thought it was something desperate. We’ll go—
FANNY (furiously)
One moment! I want that man punished. (Points to Agnus on the sofa) For the second time today—you saw him—he has grossly insulted me!
[Peattie looks around, taken aback.
FANNY (stamping her foot)
I want him punished, I say!
LIEUTENANT (gruffly, pointing to Agnus’s buried face) Looks guilty, Cap. Trying to hide like that the minute he sees the police.
PEATTIE (takes one quick step forward and jerks Agnus to his feet) Here, what about this? Can’t have ladies insulted hereabouts, you know.
LIEUTENANT (with a sudden change of face)
By God, boys—the anarchist! (Draws revolver)
[The women scream. The two detectives draw their revolvers also.
PEATTIE
What? Him? The fellow you been looking for all day? (Still holding Agnus by the collar)
LIEUTENANT
That’s the bird!
[Peattie lets loose Agnus and draws ancient-looking Colt’s revolver, which he points at him. Agnus is now ringed around by four men with levelled weapons.
LIEUTENANT (taking out handcuffs)
Throw up your hands, Henry Schwartzenhopfel—
[Agnus throws up his hands.
LIEUTENANT
Fan him for artillery, Hennessy.
[The Second Detective is about to search Agnus.
THE DEVIL
Stop! (All stare at The Devil) He’s my friend.
PEATTIE
But, Doc—he’s a dynamiter—
THE DEVIL
No matter, stop!
LIEUTENANT
Listen, Mister—Doctor—whoever you are—you can’t give orders to the Law—
THE DEVIL
Yes, I can; and the Law can give them to you. And it does; now! There’s the Law. (Points to Schwartzenhopfel) The man who makes you a policeman; who makes your Chief of Police; your Commissioner; who makes Mayors, Governors, Presidents! You’re in the presence of Money, you oxen! Take off your hats to it—and take your orders from it—Mr. John Magnus—The Law.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (suddenly realizing his power)
And I order you to let Henry Schwartzenhopfel alone, now and all the time. Schwartzenhopfel (with his hand on Agnus’s shoulder) is my friend, too.
DETECTIVES (moving away in awe)
John Magnus!
FANNY (throwing her arms around The Devil, whose look of triumph changes to one of hopeless dismay)
My Hero!
CURTAIN