The third Act.

Enter Lord unready. Hairecut preparing his Periwigge, Table, and Lookingglasse.

Lor. What houre ist? Ha. Bout three'a clocke my Lord. Bor. Tis time to rise. Ha. Your Lordship went but late To bed last night. Lor. Twas early in the morning. Enter Secre. Sec. Expect a while, my Lord is busie? Lor. Whats the matter? Sec. Here is a Lady Desires accesse to you upon some affaires She saies may specially concerne your Lordship. Lor. A Lady? What her name? Sec. Madam Decoy. Lor. Decoy? prethee admit her. Enter Decoy. Have you businesse Madam With me? Decoy. And such I hope as will not be Offensive to your Lordship. Lor. I pray speake it. De. I would desire your Lordships eare more private. Lor. Waite i'th next chaber till I call, now Madam. Exeunt. De. Although I am a stranger to your Lordship I wo'd not lose a faire occasion offer'd, To shew how much I honour, and would serve you. Lor. Please you to give me the particular That I may know the extent of my engagement, I am ignorant by what desert you should Be encouragd to have care of me. De. My Lord, I will take boldnesse to be plaine, beside Your other excellent parts, you have much fame For your sweet inclination to our sexe. Lor. How dee meane Madam? Dec. I'that way your Lordship Hath honorably practisd upon some Not to be nam'd, your noble constancie To a mistresse hath deserv'd our generall vote, And I a part of woman kind have thought How to expresse my duty. Lor. In what Madam? Dec. Be not so strange my Lord, I know the beauty And pleasures of your eyes, that hansome creature With whose faire life all your delight tooke leave, And to whose memory you have paid too much Sad tribute. Lor. Whats all this? Dec. This, if your Lordship Accept my service, in pure zeale to cure Your melancholy, I could point where you might Repaire your losse. Lor. Your Ladiship I conceive Doth trafficke in flesh marchandize. De. To men Of honour like your selfe, I am well knowne To some in court and come not with ambition Now to supplant your officer. Lor. What is The Lady of pleasure you preferre. De. A Lady Of birth and fortune, one upon whose vertue I may presume, the Lady Aretina. Lor. Wife to sir Thomas Bornwell? Dec. The same sir. Lor. Have you prepard her? De. Not for your Lordship, till I have found your pulse, I am acquainted with her disposition She has a very appliable nature. Lor. And Madam when expect you to be whipt For doing these fine favors. De. How my Lord? Your Lordship does but jeast I hope, you make A difference betweene a Lady that Does honorable offices, and one They call a bawd, your Lordship was not wont To have such course opinion of our practice. Lor. The Lady Aretina is my kinswoman. De. What if she be my Lord? the nearer bloud The dearer sympathie. Lor. Ile have thee carted. De. Your Lordship wonot so much staine your honour And education, to use a woman Of my qualitie.——Lord.——Tis possible you may Be sent off with an honorable convoy Of Halberdeers. De. Oh my good Lord! Lor. Your Ladiship shall be no protection If thou but staist three minutes. De. I am gone, When next you finde rebellion in your bloud, May all within ten mile o'th court turne honest. Exit. Lor. I doe not finde that pronenesse since the faire Bella Maria died, my bloud is cold, Nor is there beautie enough surviving To highten me to wantonnesse, who waites? And what said my Lady? Enter Hairecut. Ha. The silent language of her face my Lord Was not so pleasant, as it shewd upon Her entrance. Lor. Would any man that meetes This Lady take her for a bawde. Ha. She does The trade an honor, credit to the profession, We may in time see baldnesse, quarter noses, And rotten legges to take the wall of footclothes. Lor. I ha thought better, call the Lady backe, I wonot lose this opportunitie, Bid her not feare, the favour is not common, And ile reward it. I doe wonder much Will Sentlove was not here to day. Ha. I heard him say this morning, he would waite Vpon your Lordship. She is returnd sir. Enter Secre. and Decoy. Sec. Madam be confident my Lords not angry. Bor. You returne welcome Madam, you are better Read in your art I hope then to be frighted With any shape of anger, when you bring Such newes to gentlemen, Madam you shall Soone understand how I accept the office. De. You are the first Lord, since I studied carriage, That shew'd such infidelity and fury Vpon so kind a message, every gentleman Will shew some breeding, but if one right honourable Should not have noble bloud. Lor. You shall returne My complement in a letter to my Lady Aretina, favour me with a little patience, Shew her that chamber. De. Ile attend your Lordship. Ex. Lor. Write, Madam where your honour is in danger, My love must not be silent. Enter Sentlove and Kickshaw. Sentlove and Kickshaw! Kic. Your Lordship's busie. Lor. Writing a letter, nay it shanot barre Any discourse. Sec.——Silent. Lo. Though I be no Physitian, I may prevent a feaver in your bloud, And where have you spent the mornings conversation? Sent. Where you would have given the best Barbary In your stable to have met on honorable termes. Lor. What new beautie? You acquaint your selves With none but wonders. Sent. Tis too low a miracle. Lor. Twill require a strong faith. Secr. Your bloud. Lor. If you be innocent preserve your fame least this Decoy Madam betray it to your repentance. By what name is she knowne? Sent. Aske Alexander, he knowes her? Alex. Whom? Sent. The Lady Celestina. Lor. He has a vast knowledge of Ladies, las poore Alexander! When dost thou meane thy body shall lie fallow? Al. When there is mercy in a petticote, I must turne pilgrime for some breath. Lor. I thinke Twere cooler travell if you examine it Vpon the hoofe through Spaine. Sent. Through Ethiopia. Lor. Nay lesse laborious to serve a prentiship In Peru, and dig gold out of the mine, Though all the yeare were dogdayes. Sec. To repentance. Lor. In briefe, this Lady, could you fall from vertue, Within my knowledge will not blush to be a Bawde. Sent. But hang't tis honorable journey worke, Thou art famous by't, and thy name's up. Alex. So sir, let me aske you a question my deare knight, Which is lesse servile to bring up the Pheasant, And waite, or sit at table uncontrould And carve to my owne appetite? Sent. No more, Th'art witty, as I am—Sec. A bawd. Sent. How's that? Al. Oh you are famous by't and your names up sir. Lor. Be wise, and reward my caution, with Timely care of your selfe, so I shall not repent To be knowne your lovings kinsman and servant. Gentlemen, the Lady Celestina. Is she so rare a thing? Alex. If you'le have my Opinion my Lord, I never saw So sweete, so faire, so rich a peece of nature. Lor. Ile shew thee a fairer presently, to shame Thy eyes and judgement, looke o'that.——So Ile subscribe Seale it, ile excuse your pen for the direction. Al. Bella Marias picture; she was hansome. Sent. But not to be compar'd. Lor. Your patience gentlemen ile returne instantly. Exit. Al. Whither is my Lord gone? Sec. To a Lady i'th next Chamber. Sen. What is she? Sec. You shall pardon me, I am his Secretary. Sen. I was wont to be of his counsell, a new officer And I not know't? I am resolvd to batter All other with the praise of Celestina I must retaine him. Enter Lord. Lor. Has not that object Convinc't your erring judgements. Al. What this picture? Lor. Were but your thoughts as capable as mine Of her Idea, you would with no thought That were not active in her praise above All worth and memory of her sexe. Sent. She was faire I must confess, but had your Lordship look'd With eyes more narrow and some lesse affection Vpon her face. Alex. I doe not love the copies Of any dead, they make me dreame of goblins, Give me a living mistresse, with but halfe The beauty of Celestina, come my Lord, Tis pitty that a Lord of so much flesh Should waste upon a ghost, when they are living Can give you a more honourable consumption. Sen. Why doe you meane my Lord to live an Infidell? Doe, and see what will come ont, observe still And dote upon your vigills, build a chamber Within a rocke, a tombe, among the wormes, Not farre off, where you may in proofe apocryphall Court em not devoure the pretty pile. Of flesh your mistresse carried to the grave, There are no women in the world, all eyes And tongue and lippes are buried in her coffin. Lor. Why doe you thinke your selves competent Judges, Of beauty gentlemen? Both. What should hinder us? Al. I have seene and tried as many as another With a mortall backe. Lord. Your eyes are bribd, And your hearts chain'd to some desires, you cannot Enjoy the freedome of a sence. Alex. Your Lordship Has a cleare eyesight, and can judge and penetrate. Lor. I can, and give a perfect censure of Each line and point, distinguish beautie from A thousand formes, which your corrupted optiks Would passe for naturall. Sent. I desire no other Judge should determine us, and if your Lordship Dare venture but your eyes upon this Lady, Ile stand their justice, and be confident You shall give Celestine victorie, And triumph ors all beauties past and living. Al. I dare my Lord venture a sute of clothes, You will be orecome. Lor. You doe not know my fortitude. Sent. Nor frailtie, you dare not trust you selfe to see he. Lor. Thinke you so gentlemen, I dare see this creature To make you know your errors, and the difference Of her, whose memory is my Saint, not trust My sences? J dare see, and speake with her, Which holds the best acquaintance to prepare My visit to her. Sent. I will doo't my Lord. Al. Shee is a Lady free in entertainements. Lor. I would give this advantage to your cause, Bid him appeare in all the ornaments Did ever waite on beautie, all the riches Pride can put on, and teach her face more charme Then ever Poet drest up Venus in, Bid her be all the graces, and the queene Of love in one, Ile see her Sentlove, and Bring off my heart arm'd, but single thought Of one that is dead, without a wound, and when I have made your follie prisoner, ile laugh at you. Sent. She shall expect you, trust me for knowledge. Lor. I'me for the present somewhere else engagd, Let me heare from you. Sent. So I am glad hee's yet So neere conversion. Alex. I am for Aretina. Sent. No mention of my Lord. Alex. Prepare his Lady, Tis time he were reduc'd to the old sport, One Lord like him more would undoe the court. Exit.

Enter Aretina with a letter. Decoy.

De. He is the ornament of your bloud Madam, I am much bound to his Lordship. Are. He gives you A noble character. De. Tis his goodnesse Madam. Are. I wanted such an engine, my Lord has Done me a curtesie to disclose her nature, I now know one to trust, and will employ her. Touching my Lord, for reasons, which I shall Offer to your Ladiship hereafter, I Desire you would be silent, but to shew How much I dare be confident in your secrecie, I powre my bosome forth, I love a gentleman On whom there woo'not meet much conjuration To meet—your eare— De. I apprehend you, and I shall Be happy to be serviceable, I am sorry Your Ladiship did not know me before now, I have done offices, and not a few Of the nobilitie, but have done feates Within my house, which is convenient for situation, and artfull chambers, And pretty pictures to provoke the fancie.

Enter Littleworth.

Lit. Madam all pleasures languish in your absence. Are. Your pardon a few minutes sir——you must Contrive it thus. Lit. I attend, and shall account it Honour to waite on your returne. Are. He must not Have the least knowledge of my name, or person. De. I have practisd that already for some great ones, And dare agen to satisfie you Madam; I have a thousand wayes to doe sweet offices. Lit. If this Lady Aretina should be honest, I ha lost time, shee's free as aire, J must Have closer conference, and if I have art, Make her affect me in revenge. De. This evening? Leave me to manage things. Are. You will oblige me. De. You shall commend my art, and thanke me after. Ex. Are. I hope the revells are maintained within. Lit. By sir Thomas and his Mistris. Are. How? his Mistris. Lit. The Lady Celestina, I nere saw Eyes shoote more amorous enterchange. Are. Ist so? Lit. He weares her favor with ore pride. Ar. Her favor? Lit. A feather that he ravish'd from her fan. Lit. And is so full of courtship, which she smiles on. Are. Tis well. Lit. And praises her beyond all poetry. Are. I'me glad he has so much wit. Lit. Not jealous! Are. This secures me, what would make other Ladies pale With jealousie, gives but a licence to my wandrings, Let him now taxe me if he dare——and yet Her beauti's worth my envie, and I wish Revenge upon it, not because he loves, But that it shines above my owne. Enter Alex. Al. Deare Madam. Are. I have it, you two gentlemen professe Much service to me, if I have a way To employ your wit and secrecie. Both. You'le honour us. Are. You gave a high and worthy character Of Celestina. Alex. I remember Madam. Are. Doe either of you love her? Alex. Not I Madam. Lit. I wod not, if I might. Are. Shee's now my guest, And by a tricke invited by my husband To disgrace me, you gentlemen are held Wits of the towne, the Consulls that doe governe The Senate here, whose jeeres are all authenticke, The Tavernes and the Ordinaries are Made academies where you come, and all Your sinnes and surfets made the times example, Your very nods can quell a Theater, No speech or Poem good without your seale, You can protect scurrility, and publish By your authority beleev'd, no rapture Ought to have honest meaning. Alex. Leave our characters. Lit. And name the emploiment. Are. You must exercise The strength of both your wits upon this Lady, And talke her into humblenesse or anger Both which are equall to my thought, if you Dare undertake this slight thing for my sake, My favour shall reward it, but be faithfull, And seeme to let all spring from your owne freedome. Ale. This all? We can defame her, if you please My friend shall call her whore or any thing, And never be endangerd to a duell. Are. How's that? Al. He can endure a cudgelling, and no man Will fight after so faire a satisfaction, But leave us to our Art, and doe not limit us. Are. They are here, begin not till I whisper you.

Enter Sir Thomas, Celestina, Marcana, Isabella.

Ar. Je vous prie Madam d'excuser l'importunitè de mes affaires Qui m'ont fait offenser, par mon absence, une dame de la quelle I'ay receu tant d'obligation. Cel. Pardonnez moy Madame; vous me faictez trop d'hónneur. Are. C'est bien de la douceur de vostre naturel que vous tenez Ceste language; mais j'espere que mon mary n'a pas Manquè de vous entretenir en mon absence. Ce. En verité Monsieur nous a fort obligè. Are. Il eut trop failly, s'il n'eust tasché de tout son pouvoir à vous rendre toutes fortes de services. Cel. C'est de sa bontè qu'il nous a tant favorisè. Ar. De la vostre plustost Madame que vous fait donner D'interpretation si benigne à ses efforts. Cel. Ie voy bien que la victoire sera toutsjours à Madame, & de language, & de la courtesie. Are. Vrayement Madame, que jamais personne a plus desirè, L'honneur de vostre compagnie, que moy. Cel. Laissans en je vous supplie, des compliments & permettoz à vostre servante de vous baiser les mains. Are. Vous m'obligez trop. Bo. I have no more patience, lets be merry agen In our owne language, Madam our mirth cooles, Our Nephew! Enter Fredericke. Are. Passion of my braine. Fre. Save you gentlemen, save you Ladies. Are. I am undone. Fre. I must salute, no matter at which end I begin. Are. There's a complement. Cel. Is this your nephew Madam? Are. Ie vous prie Madame d'excuser les habitz, & le rude Comportement de mon cousin. Il est tout fraichement Venu de l'universitè, ou on l'a tout gastè. Cel. Excusez moy Madam, il est bien accomply. Fre. This language should be French, by the motions Of your heads, and the mirth of your faces. Are. I am dishonor'd. Fre. Tis one of the finest tongues for Ladies to shew their Teeth in, If you'le Latine I am for you, or Greek it, My tailor has not put me into French yet, Mille basia, basia mille. Cel. Ie ne vous entende pas monsieur, I understand you not sir. Fre. Why so? You and I then shall be in charity, For though we should be abusive, we ha the benefit Not to understand one another: where's my Aunt? I did heare musicke somewhere, and my braines Tun'd with a bottle of your capering claret Made haste to shew their dancing. Lit. Please you Madam, They are very comfortable. St. Alas Madam How would you have me helpe it, I did use All meanes I could, after he heard the musicke, To make him drunke in hope so to containe him, But the wine made him lighter, and his head Flew hi'ther, ere I mist his heeles. Ale. Nay he spoke Latine to the Lady. Are. Oh most unpardonable! get him off Quickly, and discreetely, or if I live—— St. Tis not in my power, he sweares I am An absurd sober fellow, and if you keepe A servant in his house to crosse his humour, When the rich sword and belt comes home, hee'le kill him. Are. What shall I doe? Try your skill, Master Littleworth. Lit. He has ne're a sword, sweet Mr. Fredericke. Bo. Tis pitty Madam such a syen should Be lost, but you are clouded. Cel. Not I sir, I never found my selfe more cleare at heart. Bo. I could play with a feather, your fan Lady, Gentlemen, Aretina, ta ra ra ra, come Madam. Fre. Why my good tutor in election? You might have beene a scholler. Lit. But I thanke My friends they brought me up a little better, Give me the towne wits, that deliver jeasts Cleane from the bow, that whistle in the aire, And cleave the pin at twelvescore, Ladies doe But laugh at a gentleman that has any learning. Tis sinne enough to have your clothes suspected, Leave us, and I will find a time to instruct you; Come here are sugar plumbes, tis a good Fredericke. Fre. Why is not this my Aunts house in the strand? The noble Rendevous? Who laughes at me? Go, I will foot here, if I list, and talke Of Retoricke, Logicke, Latine, Greeke, or any thing, And understand em too, who sayes the contrary? Yet in a faire way I contemne all learning, And will be as ignorant as he, or he, Or any taffata, satten, scarlet, plush, Tissue, or cloath, a bodkin gentleman, Whose manners are most gloriously infected; Did you laugh at me Lady? Cel. Not I sir? But if I did shew mirth upon your question, I hope you wod not beate me little gentleman. Fr. How little gentleman? you dare not say These words to my new cloathes, and fighting sword. Are. Nephew Fredricke! Fr. Little gentleman, This an affront both to my bloud and person, I am a gentleman of as tall a birth As any boast nobility, though my clothes Smell o'the lampe, my coate is honourable, Right honourable, full, of or, and argent, A little gentleman! Bor. Coze you must be patient, My Lady meant you no dishonour, and You must remember shee's a woman. Fre. Is she a woman, thats another matter, Dee heare, my uncle tells me what you are. Cel. So sir. Fr. You cald me little gentleman. Cel. I did sir. Fre. A little pinke has made a lusty ship Strike her topsaile, the Crow may beard the Elephant, A whelpe may tame the Tiger, spight of all False decks and murderers, and a little gentleman Be hard enough to grapple with your Ladiship Top and top gallant; will you goe drinke uncle? Tother inchanted bottle, you and I Will tiple, and talke phylosophy. Bo. Come Nephew, You will excuse a minutes absence Madam. Waite you on us. St. My duty sir. Are. Now gentlemen. Ex. all but Cel. & Alex. & Little. Alex. Madam I had rather you accuse my language For speaking truth, then vertue suffer in My further silence, and it is my wonder That you, whose noble carriage hath deserv'd All honour, and opinion should now Be guilty of ill manners. Cel. What was that You told me sir? Lit. Doe you not blush Madam? To aske that question. Cel. You amaze rather My cheeke to palenesse, what you meane by this? I am not troubled with the hickup gentlemen, You should bestow this fright upon me. Lit. Then Pride and ill memory goe together. Cel. How sir? Al. The gentleman on whom you exercise Your thin wit, was a nephew to the Lady Whose guest you are, and though her modesty Looke calme on the abuse of one so neare Her bloud, the affront was impious. Lit. I am asham'd on't, You an ingenious Lady, and well mannerd? Ile teach a Beare as much civility. Cel. You may be master of the Colledge sir For ought I know. Lit. What Colledge? Of the Beares. Cel. Have you a plot upon me? Dee possesse Your wits, or know me gentlemen. Enter Bornewell. Bor. How's this? Al. Know you? yes we doe know you to an atome. Li. Madam we know, what stuffe your soule is made on. Cel. But doe not barke so like a mastive, pray, Sure they are mad, let your braines stand awhile And settle gentlemen, you know not me, What am I? Lit. Tha'rt a puppet, a thing made Of clothes and painting, and not halfe so hansome As that which plaid Susanna in the faire. Cel. I heard you visited those canvas tragedies, One of their constant audience, and so taken With Susan, that you wish'd your selfe a rivall With the two wicked elders. Al. You thinke this Is wit now, come you are— Cel. What I beseech you? Your character will be full of salt and satyre, No doubt, what am I? Al. Why you are a woman. Cel. And that's at least a bow wide of you knowledge. Al. Wo'd be thought hansome, and might passe i'th country Vpon a market day, but miserably Forfeit to pride and fashions, that if heaven Were a new gowne, you'd not stay in't a fortnight. Cel. It must be miserably out of fashion then, Have I no sinne but pride? Al. Hast any vertue? Or but a good face to excuse that want? Cel. You prais'd it yesterday. Al. That made you proud. Cel. More pride? Al. You neede not to close up the praise, I have seene a better countenance in a Sibill. Cel. When you wore spectacles of sacke, mistooke The painted cloath, and kist it for your mistresse. Al. Let me aske you a question, how much Have you consum'd in expectation That I would love you. Cel. Why? I thinke as much As you have paid away in honest debts This seven yeare, tis a pretty impudence, But cannot make me angry. Lit. Is there any Man that will cast away his limbes upon her? Al. You doe not sing so well as I imagind, Nor dance, you reele in your coranto, and pinch Your petticoate too hard, y'ave no good eare Toth' musicke, and incline too much one shoulder, As you were dancing on the rope, and falling, You speake abominable French, and make A courtsey like a Dairie maide, not mad? Lit. Doe we not sting her hansomely. Bor. A conspiracie. Al. Your state is not so much as tis reported When you conferre notes, all your husbands debts And your owne reconcild——but thats not it Will so much spoile your marriage. Cel. As what sir? Let me know all my faults. Al. Some men doe whisper You are not over honest. Cel. All this shall not Move me to more than laughter, and some pittie, Because you have the shapes of gentlemen, And though you have beene insolent upon me, I will engage no friend to kicke or cudgell you To spoile your living, and your limbes together, I leave that to diseases that offend you, And spare my curse, poore silken Vermine, and Hereafter shall distinguish Men from Monkies. Bo. Brave soule, you brace of horseleaches, I have heard Their barbarous language Madam, ya're too mercifull, They shall be silent to your tongue, pray punish e'm. Cel. They are things not worth my character, nor mention Of any cleane breath, so lost in honesty They cannot satisfie for wrongs enough, Though they should steale out of the world at Tiburne. Lit. We are hang'd already. Cel. Yet I will talke a little to the pilchards, You two that have not twixt you both the hundred Part of a soule, course woollen witted fellowes, Without a nap, with bodies made for burdens, You that are onely stuffings for apparrell As you were made but engines for your Taylors To frame their clothes upon, and get them custome; Vntill men see you moove, yet, then you dare not Out of your guilt of being the ignobler beast But give a horse the wall, whom you excell Onely in dancing of the brawles, because The horse was not taught the French way, your two faces, One fat like Christmas, tother leane like Candlemas, And Prologue to a Lent, both bound together Would figure Ianus, and doe many cures On Agues and the greene disease by frighting, But neither can with all the characters And conjuring circles charme a woman, though Sha'd fourescore yeares upon her, and but one Tooth in her head, to love, or thinke well of you; And I were miserable, to be at cost To court such a complexion, as your malice Did impudently insinuate, but I waste time And staine my breath in talking to such tadpoles. Goe home and wash your tongues in Barly water, Drinke cleane Tobacco, be not hot i'th mouth, And you may scape the Beadle; so I leave you To shame and your owne garters. Sir I must Entreate you for my honour doe not pennance em, They are not worth your anger, how I shall Acquit your Ladies silence. Bo. Madam, I Am sorry to suspect, and dare revenge. Cel. No cause of mine. Bor. It must become me to attend you home. Cel. You are noble—farewell Mushroomes. Are. Is she gone. Li. I thinke we peperd her. Al. I am glad tis over, But I repent no service for you Madam.

Enter servant with a letter.

To me? from whence—a Iewell a good preface, Be happy the conclusion. Are. Some love letter——He smiles upont. Lit. He has a hundred Mistresses, you may Be charitable Madam I ha none, He surfets, and I fall away i'th kidnyes. Al. Ile meete, Tis some great Lady questionlesse, that has Taken notice, and would satisfie her appetite. Are. Now Mr. Alexander, you looke bright o the suddaine, Another spirit's in your eye. Al. Not mine Madam, Onely a summons to meete a friend. Ar. What friend? Lit. By this Jewell, I know her not! Ar. Tis a she friend, Ile follow gentlemen, We may have a game at Sant before you goe. Al. I shall attend you Madam. Li. Tis our duty. Are. I blush while I converse with my owne thoughts, Some strange fate governes me, but I must on, The wayes are cast already, and we thrive When our sinne feares no eye nor perspective. Exit.