THE HISTORY OF THE PROCEEDINGS in the CASE OF MARGARET, Commonly called PEG.

There being no history with which every learned reader is better acquainted in general, than that of John Bull, and his sister Peg, we shall spend very little time in preambles or introductions to the present story. John and his sister lived many a day, as every body knows, in the two adjoining houses which were left them by their father; and it matters not now to say, how much better John was lodged than his sister, and how many more improvements he had made on his farm. We never heard of any difference arising between them on this score, farther than some jeers and taunts between the blackguards or scullions of either house, who generally got themselves bloody noses upon the occasion. As for Peg herself, she was so far from complaining of her portion, that nothing could offend her more, than to be told out of doors, that she was not the richest heiress in the world.

It is not easy to say, whether it was Peg’s own temper, the badness of her subject, or the perpetual vexations she met with in her youth, that hindered her from minding her domestic affairs, so much as she should have done: but the truth is, that matters were often at sixes and sevens in her family; and her brother and she, to be sure, never could agree about any thing. All the world knows how long their affairs remained in confusion, merely because they would not employ the same attorney, and what an aversion they had to trust their affairs in common to any single person. Peg would say, “I’ll have nothing to do with John’s lawyers; whoever I employ must mind nobody’s affairs but mine. I have as good a right to be served as he; and if he pays more than I do, let it be for services done to himself, not for cheating me.” John again would swagger and swear, and said, that whoever Peg employed, must be a dirty lousy fellow; and would come to no terms, unless she would take a steward of his choosing.

It happened, however, at last, as every careful peruser of history knoweth, that every man of the law, within the reach almost of John’s knowledge, from the master down to the merest clerk-boy, died, or left the country, or disappeared some how or other, and John was obliged for once to put his papers in the hands of his sister’s lawyer, a very book-learned man, as many people affirm even unto this day. But be this as it will, Peg had the vanity to boast, that though her lawyer now lived in John’s own house, yet it was she who gave that clod-pated pock-puddened numskull the lawyer at last; and that this same man of the law, if he had any gratitude to the house where he was born and bred, would not let her be wronged, or forget her boys, when the stock came to be divided. She trusted too, that they would remember themselves, and if John or the attorney pretended to cheat them, she talked no less than of beating out both their brains. John was really at bottom a good-natured fellow, and knowing himself to be an overmatch for Peg, did not mind her peevish humours a rush; but he would not have liked her attorney for all that, if he had not expected to manage him, by keeping him in his own house, and by putting clerks about him, who never had any connexion with Margaret, or her hungry loons, from whom, the truth is, he expected no good.

This affair being settled between the brother and sister, as well as could be expected with so little cordiality on either side, their common concerns began to be a little better managed, and people got some rest in their beds; for they did not harbour vagrants, as they used to do, to hamstring one another’s cattle, to tear up the young planting, and knock out one another’s brains. They differed, it is true, now and then about this thing, and t’other thing, and about attornies and agents, but it always happened that they employed the same person, even whilst John wished Peg at the bottom of the sea; and Peg sometimes let devilish knocks at him, and the attorney too, when she was jealous of either.

John, however, was so far lucky, that his sister concurred with him very readily in most things of consequence, such as turning off Squire Geoffry, and the like; insomuch, that he himself was not readier to part with this Squire, as every body knows, although he claimed kindred to Peg, as the foster-mother of his family; and to make all sure, she put her hand as freely to the perpetual contract with Sir Thomas. This was a gentleman in the neighbourhood, of an ancient family, and a pretty fortune of his own: but he was willing to take charge of the brother and sister’s affairs, provided he had some security that he should not be turned out the next moment, which was accordingly granted in the form of a contract, by virtue of which he continues to manage their business in a very orderly regular manner.

This, however, did not hinder some persons in both families, who had a hankering after Squire Geoffry, from being mad enough once and again, to think of restoring him to his office, in spite of John’s and Margaret’s teeth. They came sometimes from the garret, and from the cellar, roaring about this matter; and when they got drunk, they imagined nothing was easier to be done. The truth is, that if Peg had not been firm to the contract, John would often have been sore beset.

Although the intention of this proem is far from being to give a full account of the affairs of these two families, preceding the present transaction, much less to censure or run down other grave historians, who have published to the learned world any part of their history; yet we cannot altogether pass in silence some few mistakes in the otherwise elaborate work of the celebrated Sir Humphrey Polisworth, bred in the learned university of Grub-street. An historian, in our opinion, should be as mindful of truth in whatever he may occasionally mention, as he is in the main series of his story. For want of attending to this truth, the learned Sir Humphrey has unguardedly misrepresented the nature of John’s and Peg’s agreement, together with the causes which induced John to sollicit that accommodation. Many learned writers of that time say, that the question was not then about John’s heir, but about the old story the choice of a steward, and the perpetual contract we have mentioned. But be this as it will, there was no disagreement between John and his sister on either of these points, as Sir Humphrey Polisworth himself doth acknowledge. On the contrary, if John roared against Squire Geoffry, Peg tore her cap and her apron in perfect rage, and was like cat and dog with the same Squire and his gang, all the time they were in the management of John’s business.

The truth of the matter was, that about the time of the great change we have mentioned, many people in both families said, Although we agree now, we may quarrel hereafter, and it will be a plaguey thing to come into the hands of different lawyers and attornies again, who never fail to set people by the ears for their own advantage. John and Margaret have lived so much better, since they came to employ the same lawyer, that it is a pity they should ever be in danger of parting their affairs. The lands of Bull-hall and Thistle-down were never intended for two farms, the same hedge and ditch surround them, and whilst they continue in one, they may be kept with half the looking after; for nobody can be half so troublesome to either family, as they have formerly been to one another. For these, and many more reasons, an agreement was thought upon; and though it went somewhat against John’s stomach, yet he coaxed and flattered sister Peg till he obtained her consent, not to come to live in his house, as the learned Sir Humphrey Polisworth has erroneously related, but merely to shut up her own compting-room, dismiss her overseers, and send her clerks to John’s house, to manage their affairs together with his accomptant, under the inspection of the great lawyer, as he was then called, in both families.

This agreement, however, did not please every body. The servants who attended Peg’s compting-room, were angry at the loss of their vails. The upper servants, as every body knows, mismanaged their part of the business some how or other, and many people said, that the house looked melancholy when the windows of the counting-room just looking to the South were shut up. In short, you could hear a buzz in every corner of the house, that the whole family was undone for ever. Jack himself grew very sulky, and for the turn of a straw would have played the devil. But what will not a little time to. Peg’s people got gradually into better humour; Jack’s zeal for the contract made with Sir Thomas, soon reconciled him to whatever was connected with it, and Peg’s affairs went on so tolerably, that every body was pacified, except the few who would be pleased with nothing, unless Squire Geoffry was restored.

About the time that Sir Thomas came to the office, there was a great turmoil in John’s kitchin and back-yard, and in Peg’s garret, where indeed she harboured a parcel of curious fellows, who did not mind the business of the family much, but would run you up and down stairs like lightning, sometimes get into the kitchen, the hen roost, or back yard, and snap up any thing their fingers could lay hold of. Their mistress seldom got any rent from them, except a days work now and then in harvest, or the use of their children to keep the crows from the barley. But the true secret of her liking to them was, that they were excellent fellows at a brawl, and you had as good put your head in the fire, as meddle with their mistress when they were by. But Peg could never get them to agree among themselves till very lately, nor always to behave very respectfully to herself; insomuch, that both John and she were often tempted to condemn that garret. But things must have their course, the garret gentry have sometimes done excellent service, and there is nobody John himself likes better to see about him, when Lewis Baboon or Lord Strutt come about cudgel-playing, which is a very common case, as the learned Sir Humphrey has very well observed.