Chapter IX · General Conundrums (continued 2)
Reading edition
When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork? When it's smoked.
When is a man most likely to get floored (flawed)? When he's up late (a plate), and so runs a chance of becoming cracked.
What are the features of the cannon? Cannon-mouth, canon-ize, and cannon-eers.
Who always sits with his hat on before the queen? Her coachman.
Why is a pig in the drawing-room like a house on fire? Because the sooner it is put out the better.
When is a river not a river? When it is eye water (high water).
What trade never turns to the left? A wheelwright.
What trade is more than full? Fuller.
Why is electricity like the police when they are wanted? Because it is an invisible force.
When is a borough like a ship? When it is under canvass.
Why are guns like trees? People plant them and they shoot.
How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell O! (yellow).
What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band? The drum.
What is it that stands aloft, and regulates our daily movements, yet feels no interest in our concerns; directs us when to go, and when to come; yet cares not whether we attend or not; still, thus indifferent to our fate, often strikes a heavy blow to urge us on, and we feel no resentment when the reproof is given? A clock.
Why is the dove a very cautious little dear? Because he minds his peas and coos.
When is a baby like a breakfast cup? When it's a tea thing (teething).
Why is a chicken served to a minister like a theological student? Because it is about to enter the ministry.
What animal keeps the best time? A watch dog.
When is a young lady's cheek not a cheek? When it is a little pale (pail).
When is a nose not a nose? When it is a little reddish (radish).
What sort of a face does the auctioneer like best? One that is for-bidding.
When is a straight field not a straight field? When it is a rye field (a wry).
What is it that walks with its head downward? A nail in a shoe.
Why are the hours from one to twelve like good Christians? Because they are always on the watch.
Why is a hen walking across the road like a conspiracy? Because it is a foul proceeding.
What sort of sympathy would you rather be without? You don't want to be pitted by the small-pox.
What is that which we often return but never borrow? Thanks.
What animals are always seen at a funeral? Black kids.
What did the pistol ball say to the wounded duelist? "I hope I give satisfaction."
Why is horse racing a necessity? Because it is a matter of course.
What is a young lady who refuses you? Two no-ing by half.
Why is a note of hand like a rosebud? Because it is matured by falling due (dew).
What games do the waves play at? At pitch and toss.
What fish is most valued by a loving wife? Her-ring.
Why is a solar eclipse like a woman whipping her boy? Because it's a hiding of the son (sun).
When does a man's hair resemble a packing box? When it stands on end.
Why is a woman who tries to drive a balky horse like a successful actress? Because she's the leading lady.
Why is a mad bull an animal of convivial disposition? Because he offers a horn to every one he meets.
When is silence likely to get wet? When it reigns.
How do you make a Maltese cross? Pull its tail.
What is a waste (waist) of time? The middle of an hour glass.
Who is the most popular preacher? Jack in the pulpit. Why? Because he is silent.
Why is a muddy road a guardian of the public safety? Because it reduces the speed of autos.
Why does a student never lead a sedentary life? Because he's always pursuing his studies.
Why are bishops like superannuated washerwomen? Because they wear lawn dresses (were laundresses).
Why can no clergyman have a wooden leg? Because, although a chaplain may be a plain chap, a parson can't be a lame un (layman).
If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what is squeezing point? Two in the shade.
What is that which becomes too young the longer it exists? A portrait.
What is that which we often catch yet never see? A passing remark.
What is the geometrical form of an escaped parrot? A polygon (polly gone).
Why is a lamp like a house? Because it has a chimney.
Why is the wall going to decay? Because you can see its molding.
How does a tipsy man generally look? Dizzy-pated.
At what age should a man marry? At the parsonage.
Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon? It makes a report.
What is the most popular paper at a summer resort? Flypaper.
What coat is finished without buttons and put on wet? A coat of paint.
Why do you think that a judge of the criminal court is looked upon with contempt? Because every day the worst of scoundrels are set before him.
Why is a book like a king? It has many pages.
What roof never keeps out the wet? The roof of the mouth.
What fruit is on a cent? A date.
Why are good women like ivy? Because the greater the ruin, the closer they cling.
Why are bad women like ivy? Because the closer they cling the greater the ruin.
Echoes
What must be done to conduct a newspaper right? Write.
What is necessary to a farmer to assist him? System.
What would give a blind man the greatest delight? Light.
What is the best advice to give a justice of the peace? Peace.
Who commit the greatest abominations? Nations.
Who is the greatest terrifier? Fire.
What made the tart tart? Because she didn't want the baker to bake her.