Front matter

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The Donkey, The Elephant and The Goat At A Public Meeting

By

J. P. BUSCHLEN

Price Twenty-five Cents

ANNOUNCEMENT

This playlet, by virtue of its simple rime, may perhaps claim a small share of that license granted to poets, in assuming that the Goat may at this early stage of the game be taken as an emblem of the Farmers' and Workers' political party, which is unfortunately not as yet quite a fact, nationally. The right to present this discussion as a play, for purposes of raising money, may be obtained only by writing to the author, in care of Box 1625, Great Falls, Montana. The right to present it free of charge, by way of assisting the farm and labor movement, is hereby granted everyone who is in possession of a copy of the printed booklet.

THE AUTHOR.

Great Falls, Montana, August, 1920.

(Price Twenty-Five Cents.)

Copyright, 1920, By J. P. BUSCHLEN

For Sale at Box 1625, Great Falls, Mont.

The Donkey, the Elephant

and the Goat

At A Public Meeting

By

J. P. Buschlen

ELEPHANT

You see me here, an elephant,

A symbol of the mighty--

DONKEY

The while you listen to his cant

Remember he is flighty....

I come to you, a donkey wise,

With pedigree unlowly--

ELEPHANT

Beware this fellow's sleepy eyes

And manner smooth and holy....

As Barnum used to say to me

When oft we strolled together,

"The people seem to like to be

Led round upon a tether."

And so, I see, I've got to speak

With these unwholesome creatures,

Since you, dear folks, have been so weak

As to invite such preachers.

DONKEY

If I may but inject a word,

I think it most plebe'an

To class me with a goat. Absurd!

GOAT

A mule is always mean.

ELEPHANT

When P. T. bade me fond adieu,

Good people, I departed

To where I could be serving you

More whole-and-single hearted;

I packed my grip and trumpeted

The news of my arrival,

That you might follow where I led

And join a great revival.

DONKEY

His boastful manner ill becomes

A thing of such proportions.

ELEPHANT

I made this land a world of homes--

GOAT

And laws with strange contortions.

DONKEY

I do not wish to interpose,

But, sir, you are addressing

A body whom we may suppose

Would call your death a blessing.

If you could boast a lineage

Like mine, you might be pardoned

For occupying all the stage

And holding views so hardened.

GOAT

I'm glad I'm but a simple goat

With humble beard and frocking;

My people were of little note--

ELEPHANT

I think, sir, I was talking.

And I would have it understood

That I will put my prestige

Against a Southern neighborhood,

Or aught of Southern vestige.

Besides, if Noah didn't lie,

The morning he went arking,

My wife and family and I

Were also there, embarking.

I'd grudge the honor to a goat,

But this presumptive donkey,

Although he gets the southern vote,

Descended from a monkey.

GOAT

In view of what I've done to you

I forego the distinction

Of being dragged the ages through

From ape to near-extinction.

ELEPHANT

If I would seem, as Mule implies,

Inclined myself to flatter,

Is not some credit due to size

And to a good standpatter?

Has not the jungle that I rule

Been growing more efficient?

Go ask most any knave or fool

And get you proof sufficient!

DONKEY

You seem the fact to quite ignore,

You tusky, trunky sinner,

That I have been in power; what's more

Will be again the winner.

GOAT

Come now, we'll get nowhere with this--

Why not attack the issue,

And tell the people how it is

We're made of diff'rent tissue?

DONKEY

We are indeed, and that's a fact

For which I'm truly grateful;

ELEPHANT

And so I am, to be exact.

(Aside to D.) This goat is very hateful.

DONKEY

Your challenge, Goat, do I accept.

I represent a party

Which never through the years has slept

And still is hale and hearty.

GOAT

How could it sleep when both its eyes

Were flirting with the bosses?

May not you later realize

Your gains were often losses?...

ELEPHANT

If I may say a word or two

About this great Republic:

The party I have given you

Has made it's actions public;

No secret has it e'er denied

The masses it protected.

GOAT

So ably has the rascal lied,

The ass is quite dejected.

ELEPHANT

The best of old New England blood

Within its veins is flowing;

Its sons have fought for every good--

GOAT

Old grafter in the "showing."

ELEPHANT

When donkeys in the cotton states

Were riding on the niggers

We cancelled all their riding dates--

GOAT

And made them all blind-piggers.

ELEPHANT

We built a mighty commonwealth

Against great opposition,

Improving faith and moral health--

DONKEY

And fostering sedition!

I think it's time for me to speak,

In patriotic phrases:

To sit in silence here were weak,

The while himself he praises.

The party that I represent

And have the voice and manner

To here so faithfully present,

Has carried high its banner.

From fine old Southern gentle stock

Its stalwarts have arisen--

GOAT

To better populate the dock,

The army and the prison.

DONKEY

We would have won the Civil War--

GOAT

Had Palmer then existed--

DONKEY

But several southerners were for

The armies that resisted.

For office we have never run

A man who lacked in breeding,

As these Republicans have done,

Their low traditions heeding.

And did not we, the Democrats,

Win out against the German,

When all the world was dogs and cats--?

GOAT

And soldiers fought the vermin?

ELEPHANT

Good donkey, we have had enough

Of your election wheezing;

Besides, that ancient family-stuff

Has got the goat, here, sneezing--

And when a thing's too strong for one

So strong for Townley jingo,

I think it time that you had done

With your disgusting lingo.

GOAT

Again I beg to urge you two

That you confine your phrases

To what you've done and aim to do

To earn the people's praises.

ELEPHANT

I've done as much as one could wish

Since Wilson ruled the nation--

DONKEY

He shows the judgment of a fish

In his absurd inflation.

ELEPHANT

All eyes are fixed on me, I say,

Nor will I disappoint them;

With thanks will I their faith repay--

GOAT

And oily words anoint them.

ELEPHANT

I'll bring back Lincoln from the grave,

Converting all the Palmers;

The world for business will I save--

GOAT

And jail the blasted farmers.

DONKEY

When I again am called to reign,

As I will be this autumn,

I'll show you men of brawn and brain--

GOAT

Obeying them who bought 'em.

DONKEY

I'll rule with e'en a firmer hand

Than you have seen me doing,

And make the alien understand--

GOAT

His blood requires blueing....

Now look here, boys, the audience

Is patiently awaiting

A dozen facts, a little sense--

You've done enough bull-baiting.

Give them the thing you're standing for--

They're standing for aplenty!--

DONKEY

I'd like to now discuss the war--

ELEPHANT

He rambles on like Henty!

DONKEY

We showed the flag to every land,

We swept the boundless ocean,

And yet we never showed our hand,

Nor truckled to emotion.

We made the foreigner behave,

The mighty and the small; and

We sent the Kaiser to his grave--

GOAT

I thought he was in Holland?

DONKEY

We made the pacifists obey

Our able war-directors,

And handled things without delay--

GOAT

Especially war-objectors.

ELEPHANT

We grant you this to brag about,

But when our party's saddled

We'll give you ample room for doubt--

GOAT

On issues ably straddled.

ELEPHANT

I think you'll then admit that while

You did what you were able,

You lacked our more successful wile

In keeping business stable.

GOAT

Your windy generalities

Have left the country gasping--

DONKEY

He's started in again to wheeze!

ELEPHANT

His voice is very rasping!

GOAT

You've camouflaged the issue, boys,

As people are perceiving,

With waving flags and vocal noise--

ELEPHANT

(To D.) His whiskers are deceiving!

GOAT

The cry is for a loaf of bread--

You offer but a promise;

The methods you employ are dead--

DONKEY

(To E.) He'd take our living from us!

GOAT

You're living in a day gone by,

Oblivious of the present,

While women weep and children die--

ELEPHANT

He's getting most unpleasant!

GOAT

The world is full of concrete needs,

And this land's no exception,

Of problems that will yield to deeds

But never to deception.

I've sat here list'ning to the views

That you have ventilated:

Now maybe for the sake of news

You'll hear my doctrine stated?

DONKEY

I cannot see how anything

A billygoat might proffer

Could any new idea bring?

ELEPHANT

'Tis not a legal offer.

DONKEY

And while about it might I say,

I fail of comprehending

Just why this meeting here today

Has been so condescending

As to invite, with you and me,

Dear tusky friend, this creature

So lacking in camaraderie

And so uncouth of feature!

ELEPHANT

Indeed I cannot but agree,

Dear Donkey, with your premise,

And much I doubt that you should see

Me weeping at his demise.

GOAT

Are these the gentlemen we saw

So recently atussle,

Inventing words, within the law,

Each other's goat to hustle?

How strange that at a word of mine

They swing around together?

You will, perhaps, recall a line

That mentions "birds o' feather."

DONKEY

The atmosphere is getting close--

Will some one draw the curtain?

ELEPHANT

(Whispering) I wonder does he just suppose,

Or does he know for certain?

GOAT

If I'm beyond your courtesy,

I still have vocal powers,

So lend those mighty ears to me

For half a dozen hours.

I know that I am but a goat

All battered by the weather,

But in this land I have a vote,

And I won't sell it, ne'ther!

I represent a class of men

And women who have struggled

Against the tide, while you have been

"Retained" and dined and--juggled.

While you and yours have raked the gold

We've raked the burning stubble;

While we lay frozen in the cold

You froze our chances double.

We went to you for years and years

In bitter anguish pleading:

You answered us with silent jeers

And left us bruised and bleeding.

As long as mortals could endure

We stood your joint oppression,

And then we sought and found a cure--

Which now is your obsession.

DONKEY

A cure, he says, a cure--ha! ha!

He means to say affliction!

ELEPHANT

A goat can only bunt and bah,

Its wisdom is a fiction!

GOAT

You see, you will not challenge me,

You merely hurl invective;

You fear the home-made guns that we

Have turned on our objective.

Well, be it so, I still can speak,

As long as ears will listen,

And give you facts to fill your beak,

O birds I cannot christen!

Where I was born we give the farms

And homes to those who need them;

We have a method that disarms

The man who would misdeed them.

We make the law the advocate

Of common people, mainly,

By placing it beneath the state,

Where it can serve humanely.

We guard the tiller of the soil

Before the speculator;

The man who lives on others' toil

We count a second-rater.

The state is servant to the mass--

I don't go much on Nietzsche,

And so the Elephant and Ass

Are anxious to impeach me!

But where, O symbols of the wise

In statesmanship and honor,

Were nations ever known to rise

Who catered to a donor?

What people ever reached the heights

Of art and all we cherish,

By local threats and foreign fights?

Their fate is but to perish!

The only thing that made this land

As great as we have found it,

Was justice to whatever band

Saw fit to cluster round it.

Our fathers met them at the shore,

The stranger and wayfarer,

And gave them all they asked, and more--

Became their burden-bearer.

But now how different it is!

The timid voice that raises

A feeble cry for what is his

Gets hustled off to Blazes!

DONKEY

He very much exaggerates,

And what atrocious wording!

ELEPHANT

He merely bellows, bahs and bleats--

A habit formed in herding.

GOAT

The workers that I represent

Are not of one vocation,

But every one who earns a cent

Has there an invitation.

The platform that we stand upon

Is not a sheet of paper,

A speech about the rosy dawn,

A song of purple vapor;

You'll find it in the farmer's home,

And on the worker's table,

Where mortgagers would like to come--

If only they were able.

You'll find it in the common school,

The mine, the shop, the kitchen,

And where the wheat's begun to stool,

And Hi the Ford is hitchin'.

You'll find it, Brother Elephant,

In frigid North Dakota,

Where "Frazier, Ladd and Townley can't

Affect us one iota!"

You'll find it, Donkey, on the flood,

If you've a will to find it,

And if your promises are good

You'll get right in behind it!

DONKEY

(To the Elephant) The interview is at an end

So far as I'm concerned.

ELEPHANT

(To the Donkey) And as for me, my dearest friend,

The meeting is adjourned.

(Donkey and Elephant shake hands and go

offstage together.)

GOAT

Good citizens, the hour is late,

And you are doubtless tired;

I leave you to your bitter fate,

Since Jack and Jill retired.

But may I urge before you go:

Preserve that sense of humor,

For often it will serve to show

The folly of a rumor!

A laugh will often kill a lie,

Where sermons fail completely;

So let us laugh until we die--

And even then smile sweetly.

-·~·-·~·-·~·-

Transcriber's Note.

The cover image was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.

Accentuation, punctuation and spelling as per the original text.