Chapter V · THE NIGHT

The play was a great success; I know, because many of the audience told me so afterwards. Had they but guessed what was going on behind the scenes, the congratulations would have been even more enthusiastic. For as near as a touch we had to drop the eggproof curtain and hand the money back.

I am going to give you the opening scene as it was actually said—not as it was heard across the footlights—and then you will understand. As you may remember, the Rat-catcher (Me) and the Maid (Myra) take the stage first, and they introduce themselves in the usual way to the audience and each other. The scene is the palace of the Emperor Bong (Simpson). Very well then.

Maid (sweetly). Truly his Majesty is a handsome man, and I wonder not that his people love him.

Rat-catcher (rather nervous). Thou surprisest me. I saw him in the wings—in the winter garden just now—that is to say, anon—and thought him plain. But hush, here he comes.

(They salaam, or whatever you call it, and stay there.)

Rat-catcher (still salaaming). What's the silly ass waiting for? I can't stick this much longer; the blood's all going to my head like anything.

Maid (in a similar position). He must have forgotten his cue. Can't you say, "Hush, here he comes" again?

Rat-catcher. I can't say anything out loud in this position. Do you think I might come up for a breath?

Maid (loudly). His Majesty tarries.

Rat-catcher (sotto voce). He does. You've got it.

Maid. Whatever shall we do? Do think of something.

Rat-catcher. Well, I'm going to rise to the surface. I'm tired of being a submarine. (They both stand up.)

Maid (brilliantly). Perchance it was a rat we heard and not his Majesty.

Rat-catcher (with equal brilliance). Fear not, fair damsel. Behold, I will investigate. (Proceeds to back of stage.)

Archie (from wings). Come off, you idiot.

Rat-catcher (always the gentleman—to Maid). Tarry a while, my heart, what time I seek assistance. (Exit.)

Maid (confidentially to audience—to keep the thing going). Truly he is a noble youth, though he follows a lowly profession. 'Tis not the apparel that proclaims the man. Me thinks....

Me (annoyed). Who's an idiot?

Archie. Didn't you see me wink? That ass Simpson's banged his nose against a door-post and is bleeding like a pig. Says it's because he hadn't got his spectacles.

Me (still annoyed). More likely the champagne.

Archie. They're dropping keys down his back as hard as they can. Will you and Myra gag a bit, till he's ready?

Me (excitedly). My good fool, how on earth——

Myra (coming to back of stage). But behold he returns. (Frowns imperiously.)

Rat-catcher (coming on again very unwillingly). Ah, fair maid, 'tis thee. I bring thee good tidings. I met one in the ante-room, a long-legged, scurvy fellow, who did tell me that his Majesty was delayed on some business.

Maid. That must have been his Conjuror—I know him well. (Aside.) What's happened?

Rat-catcher. Let us then rest a while, an it please thee. (Seizing her by the arm.) Over here. That ass Simpson's hurt himself. We've got to amuse the audience till he's finished bleeding.

Maid (sitting down with her back to audience). I say, is it really serious?

Rat-catcher. Not for him; it is for us. Now then, talk away.

Maid. Er—h'm. (Coyly.) Wilt not tell me of thy early life, noble sir, how thou didst become a catcher of rats?

Rat-catcher (disgusted). You coward! (Aloud.) Nay, rather let me hear of thine own life. (Aside.) Scored.

Maid. That's not fair. I asked you first. (Modestly.) But I am such a little thing, and you are so noble a youth.

Rat-catcher. True. (Having a dash at it.) 'Twas thus. My father, when I was yet a child, didst—did—no, didst—apprentice me to a salad binger——

Maid (with interest). How dost one bing salads?

Rat-catcher (curtly). Ballad singer. And I would frequent the market-place at noon, singing catches and glees, and receiving from the entranced populace divers coins, curses, bricks and other ornaments. One morn, as I was embarked upon a lovely ballad, "Place me amidst the young gazelles," I was seized right suddenly from behind. (Bored to death.) I'm sick of this. We're supposed to be amusing the audience.

Maid. Oh, go on, I'm getting awfully amused.

Emperor (audibly from green-room). Confound it, it's begun again.

Executioner (bitterly). And to think that I spent hours putting red ink on my axe!

Maid (with great presence of mind). What's that? Surely that was a rat.

Rat-catcher (greatly relieved). It was. (Getting up.) Let's have Archie on, and see if he can amuse them a bit more. (Aloud.) I must finish my tale anon. Stay here, sweet child, what time I fetch my trusty terrier. (Exit.)

Maid. 'Tis a strange story he tells. How different from my own simple life. Born of proud but morbid parents....

Archie. What's up? Stick to it.

Me. Have you got such a thing as a trusty terrier on you?

Archie (feeling up his sleeve). No.

Me. Well, the audience will be extremely disappointed if I don't bring one back. I practically promised them I would. Look here, why don't you come on and help? Everybody is getting horribly bored with us.

Archie (delightedly). Oh, all right.

Enter Rat-catcher and Conjuror.

Maid. But behold he returns again!

Rat-catcher (excitedly). Great news, fair lady, which this long-legged, scurvy fellow I told you of will impart to us.

Maid. Why, 'tis the Conjuror. Have you news for us, sir?

Conjuror (with no illusions about the Oriental style). Absolutely stop press. What is it you want to know? Racing? The Bong Selling Plate was won by Proboscis, McSimp up. Immense enthusiasm. Bank rate unchanged—quite right this cold weather. Excuse me a moment, sir, your moustache is coming off. No, the left wing—allow me to lend you a postage stamp. Do you prefer red or green?

Maid (biting her lip). Will you not give us news of the Emperor?

Conjuror. I will. His Majesty has met with a severe accident whilst out hunting this morning, being bitten by a buffalo.

Maid. Alas, what will my mistress say?

Conjuror. She has already said everything that was necessary. Her actual words were: "Just like Bong."

Rat-catcher (seizing the opportunity). His Majesty ordered me to meet him here at noon. Methinks I had better withdraw and return anon. (Makes off hurriedly.)

Conjuror (seizing him). Not so. He bade me command you to stay and sing to us. (Sensation.)

Rat-catcher (huskily). Alas, I have forgotten my voice—that is, I have left my music at home. I will go and fetch it. (Has another dash.)

Conjuror. Stay! Listen! (They all listen.)

Simpson (in wings). Thanks, thanks, that will be all right now. Oh no, quite, thanks. Oh, is this your key? Thanks, thanks. No, it doesn't matter about the other ones, they don't feel at all uncomfortable, thanks. Yes, I think it really did stop it, thanks.

Conjuror. I'm off! (Aloud.) His Majesty has regained consciousness. (Exit.)

Simpson (apologetically). Oh, Archie, I've got the billiard-room key in my——

Rat-catcher (very loudly to Maid). Hush, here he comes! (They salaam.)

(Enter the Emperor Bong.)