SCENE V.
Reading edition
Another Room in the same House. Enter Smuggler.
Smug. Oh, this damned tide-waiter! A ship and cargo worth five thousand pounds! Why, 'tis richly worth five hundred perjuries.
Enter Sir H. Wildair.
Sir H. Dear Mr. Alderman, I'm your most devoted and humble servant.
Smug. My best friend, Sir Harry, you're welcome to England.
Sir H. I'll assure you, sir, there's not a man in the king's dominions I am gladder to meet, dear, dear Mr. Alderman.
[Bowing very low.
Smug. Oh, lord, sir, you travellers have the most obliging ways with you!
Sir H. There is a business, Mr. Alderman, fallen out, which you may oblige me infinitely by——I am very sorry that I am forced to be troublesome; but necessity, Mr. Alderman——
Smug. Ay, sir, as you say, necessity——But, upon my word, sir, I am very short of money at present; but——
Sir H. That's not the matter, sir; I'm above an obligation that way: but the business is, I'm reduced to an indispensable necessity of being obliged to you for a beating——Here, take this cudgel.
Smug. A beating, Sir Harry! ha! ha! ha! I beat a knight baronet! an alderman turn cudgel-player! Ha! ha! ha!
Sir H. Upon my word, sir, you must beat me, or I cudgel you; take your choice.
Smug. Pshaw! pshaw! you jest.
Sir H. Nay, 'tis sure as fate——So, Alderman, I hope you'll pardon my curiosity.
[Strikes him.
Smug. Curiosity! Deuce take your curiosity, sir!—What d'ye mean?
Sir H. Nothing at all; I'm but in jest, sir.
Smug. Oh, I can take any thing in jest! but a man might imagine, by the smartness of the stroke, that you were in downright earnest.
Sir H. Not in the least, sir; [Strikes him.] not in the least, indeed, sir.
Smug. Pray, good sir, no more of your jests; for they are the bluntest jests that ever I knew.
Sir H. [Strikes.] I heartily beg your pardon, with all my heart, sir.
Smug. Pardon, sir! Well, sir, that is satisfaction enough from a gentleman. But, seriously, now, if you pass any more of your jests upon me, I shall grow angry.
Sir H. I humbly beg your permission to break one or two more. [Strikes him.
Smug. Oh, lord, sir, you'll break my bones! Are you mad, sir? Murder, felony, manslaughter!
[Sir Harry knocks him down.
Sir H. Sir, I beg you ten thousand pardons; but I am absolutely compelled to it, upon my honour, sir: nothing can be more averse to my inclinations, than to jest with my honest, dear, loving, obliging friend, the Alderman.
[Striking him all this while: Smuggler tumbles over and over.
Enter Lady Lurewell.
Lady L. Oh, lord! Sir Harry's murdering the poor old man.
Smug. Oh, dear madam, I was beaten in jest, till I am murdered in good earnest.
Lady L. Oh! you barbarous man!—Now the devil take you, Sir Harry, for not beating him harder—Well, my dear, you shall come at night, and I'll make you amends.
[Here Sir Harry takes Snuff.
Smug. Madam, I will have amends before I leave the place——Sir, how durst you use me thus!
Sir H. Sir?
Smug. Sir, I say that I will have satisfaction.
Sir H. With all my heart.
[Throws Snuff into his Eyes.
Smug. Oh, murder! blindness! fire! Oh, madam, madam, get me some water. Water! fire! fire! water!
[Exit with Lady Lurewell.
Sir H. How pleasant is resenting an injury without passion! 'Tis the beauty of revenge.
No spleen, no trouble, shall my time destroy:
Life's but a span, I'll ev'ry inch enjoy.
[Exit.