THE Comical Pilgrim’s Pilgrimage INTO SCOTLAND.

Being returned out of Wales into England again, I was no sooner got into London, but thro’ an avaricious Temper, I soon began to haunt most of the Gaming-Houses in Town, which Day and Night were as well cram’d as the Groom-Porter’s Table. In these Schools of inevitable Ruin and Destruction, I lost a great deal of Money, and when too late to recover it, I began seriously to reflect with myself, that let a Man be ever such a good Gamester at Cards or Dice, yet so many Sharpers were always flocking about him, that they would drain his Pockets in spite of all the greatest Favours of Fortune; or else how could these Gaming-Houses clear sometimes 100 Pounds, but never less than 50 or 60 Pounds a Night, besides paying Salaries to the several Officers depending solely on them? For there Commissioners are maintain’d by whom the Weeks Accompt is Audited, viz. Directors, who Superintend the Room. Operators, or Dealers at Faro. Croupees, to watch the Cards, and gather the Money for the Bank. Puffs, who have Money given them to play, in order to decoy others. Clerks, who are Checks upon the Puffs, to see that they sink none of that Money. Squibs, who are Puffs of a lower Rank, having half their Salery; Flashes, who sit by to Swear how often they have stript the Bank; Dunners, or Waiters; Attornies, or Sollicitors; Captains, who are to Fight any Men that are Peevish, or out of Humour at the loss of their Money; Porters, who at most of the Gaming-Houses are Soldiers; Ushers, who take care that the Porters at the Door suffer none to come in but those they know; and Runners, to get Intelligence of all the Meetings of the Justices of the Peace, and when the Constables go upon the Search: Besides giving half a Guinea to any Link-Boy, Coach-man, Chairman, Drawer, or other Person, who gives Notice of the Constables being upon the Search.

Now to break myself from this bewitched Gaming, I bid adieu to Hazard, Backgammon, Tick-tack, l’Ombre, Picquet, Cribbidge, and Basset, and was resolved to take a Pilgrimage into Scotland, where I found the Inhabitants addicted to no sort of Game but One and Thirty, at which they are as dextrous as a Milk-Maid at Dancing on May-Day, with one Foot upon the Ground, and t’other never off; for from Fergus their first King down to Charles the First, whom they Sold for a Sacrifice to Stratocracy or Army Power, they had Murder’d no less than Thirty One of their Sovereigns, which is just the Game at Regicide: Hereupon to call them Traytors is a Favour, for they will hatch Treason as soon as they do Chickens at Grand-Cairo, by the Adoption of an Oven; but now the Scots are bound to their good Behaviour, by a Union, they ought to be as Circumspect in their Loyalty, as the Ambassador that Beds a Queen, with the nice Caution of a Sword between them.

It is said that Scota the Daughter of Pharaoh King of Egypt, who was Drown’d in the Red-Sea, gave Name to Scotland, when she went thither, and betwixt which People and the valiant English, a Quarrel continued longer than ever did any between any other two Nations in the World, for they have most obstinately contended (like Rome and Carthage) for Empire above 2000 Years; which is the most tenacious Suit that ever depended between any two People in the Court of Mars. Since the Norman Invasion, there have been 30 pitcht Battles betwixt us and them; of which the English have obtain’d of the Scots at least four for one, and those of greatest Consequence. The South Part of Great-Britain being Champian, hath been sometimes in its Borders harrass’d, and laid wast by the Scots, never possess’d, but their Country, defended by inaccessible Hills, and by two invincible Enemies, Hunger and Cold, hath been wholly reduc’d by the English, who have Slain four Scotch Kings, and took two Prisoners; whereas they have never Slain nor took Prisoner one English King, to whom the Kings of Scotland were Homagers for a long Time.

Those Scots, who dwell by the Sea, dung their Land with the Weeds which it casts on the Shore; and all Women throughout the Country in Writing use their Maiden Names after Marriage. About the High and Solitary Hills of Genap I saw good Store of Magpyes and Goats; but few Hogs, to whose Flesh they bear as utter an Aversion as the Jews; and among all their Flocks of Sheep, where you’ll see one White, there’s ten Black, so that you may soon know a Scotchman from a black Sheep. The farther I Travell’d, I observ’d Geese were not over plentiful; Parsnips very scarce; Venison not to be had for want of Deer; Boys Knitted, and Men, Women, and Children went bare-legg’d.

As for their Coyn, the most remarkable of their Coyning is a Baubee, which is the value of our Half-penny, bearing the royal Effigy on one side, and on the Reverse the Thistle and Crown, with this Motto, Nemo me impune lacessit. In the Kirk-Yard at Girvan are several Carv’d Grave-stones; and at the Kirk-Door in this Town are fasten’d Jogs or Brad-Irons to Chains three or four Feet long; which are put round Persons Necks, who Swear, get Drunk, or break the Sabbath. Thus by countenancing Religion in allowing their Pastors to have an Authority over Misdemeanors, it is that the tumultuary Scottish Institution has gain’d Ground, and insinuated itself into popular Credit and Esteem: For on every Sunday, when the Office of the Day is over, they have a Kirk-Sessions, wherein the Minister, with a Number of his Congregation Elected to that end, is Authoriz’d to meet and take Cognizance, and to punish all Offenders the foregoing Week. So some such Authority, and a few more insulting Priviledges, seem to be some of those Desiderata’s aim’d at by our pretended Reformers of Manners in England, to make up their Temporal Advantages, under a specious show of designing to restore the more Primitive and Christian Discipline. But I hope this Age will never experience what it is to come under the Pharisaical Constitution of such pious Cheats. Nevertheless, since Knowledge without Virtue has abus’d the World with too much Impiety, I applaud that one Thing of the reforming Societies in England, in putting poor Children out to Trades; for of what Use is Learning (any farther than Reading and Writing) to ordinary Vocations? Whatsoever exceeds, is Useless, and makes them Pragmatical: Moreover, as it is not their Happiness to obtain Advantages of a more liberal or academical Education, it will much more commend the Goodness of their small Breeding, that they have learnt to speak Truth rather than Latin, which the Masters of our Parish Schools understand not; and that they are more knowing and exact in the Rules of Justice (a transcendent Quality unknown to some of their Benefactors) than the Distinction of Languages.

In my Journey not far from the Town of Ayre, many Sales are to be taken on the Sea-Coasts; but on the Land not many Pidgeons, nor great Store of wild Ducks: However, the Country is well stockt with other sort of Foul, as foul Plates, foul Dishes, foul Trenchers, foul Knives, foul Forks, foul Napkins, and by Heavens foul ever thing else, even to their very Women, who you’ll see standing on a Saturday by a lolling Wash-block, which is a Wooden kind of Anvil, where the She-Vulcans are hammering out with Battledore, or else with their Feet in a washing Tub, the Filth of Linnen, whose unctious Distillations are the Nile that water’d the little Egypt of their adjacent Gardens. Staring very earnestly with all the Eyes that I had, as if looking thro’ a Perspective Glass, I perceiv’d every Scotchman’s Face usually bubbled into Bubbles and Pustulees, besides the natural Hout-goust of Body that breath’d from Oatmeal, which made him send forth an Artificial Smell, which you might wind as far as the extream Unction of 20 Romish Funerals, only the Scent is not so Sweet; besides the bonny Scot smells as rankly of the single Stink of Brimstone, as a Goldfinder, alias, Tom-Turd-Man of a Medley; for a scurvey Disease, commonly call’d the Scrubbado, otherwise the Itch, makes frequently an Inroad into his Person, and invades his Body; so that he is forced to choak his Enemy by Stink of Sulphur. ’Tis a Creeping Distemper, whose Progress is checkt by Mortification, so that when he leaves off his Shirt, that is, when it leaves him, and can hang on no longer, it is excellent Furniture for a Tinder-Box, as virtually containing in it both Match and Tinder.

The common People wear Plads and Bonnets, which is a great Fashion in this Country, where the Postman goes a Foot; and poor Folks eat the Stalks of raw Kale. The Elders of the Kirks on Saturday night duly haunt the Ale-houses, which they call Changes, to turn out People to prepare themselves for the Sabbath; and Women here ride astride, without any Danger. The Kirks or Places of Worship have all one Bell, rung by an Iron Chain; but put at either End of the House of Prayer, without any Distinction of East or West, so that Travellers must not look upon their diminutive Steeples for the Guide of a true Course to the Compass.

At the University of Glascow, which like their other poor Universities has but one College, I saw no other Learning but the insipid Collegians wearing red hanging-sleev’d Gowns; and the Cathedral here was built by one Mr. Mongou, I can’t call him Saint, because he was the Son of a Whore begot by a Danish Prince on a Scotch King’s Daughter. Because our main or chief Gallows in England, call’d Tyburn, hath three Beams, and which is famous for stocking the Romish Calendar for roguish Saints, the Scotch to exceed us will have four Beams on their hanging Places, made in the manner of a Turn-Stile; having on each Beam an Iron Hook, on which the Malefactor is to be expos’d in a pendent Posture betwixt Heaven and Earth, as being unworthy of either. The Men for the most part wear Stockings made of Plad-Stuff; and their Quarters are Candlemas-Day, May-Day, Lammas-Day, and All-hallow Tide, which are as welcome to their Landlords as our Quarter-Days are among us.

Bad Cooks are every where in this Nation, because they have seldom any Victuals to dress; and the Childrens Cradles here made of old Wainscot without Heads to them. The Scots have several old Ways to distinguish themselves from Christians, for their Chimes always ring before the Clock strikes; instead of Candles they burn in most Places the Shavings of Fir dipt in Tallow; their Spoons are generally made of Horn quite circular or round, about 3 Inches Diameter, with the Length of the Handle suitable to its Circumference, which Largeness (I suppose) they take from the old Proverb, He must have a long Spoon that eats with the Devil; and those People that can but fill their Bellies with thin Bannock, Sourings, or Bruis, which last sort of Food is only raw Oatmeal put into Water when it’s warm, and thought by them a great deal better than to dine with Duke Humphrey. Hemp and Flax for Linnen are the Staple Commodities of this Nation; but the Scots bear a mortal Hatred to the former, because by the Production thereof, a great many of ’em come to an untimely End.

When I came into the City of Edinburgh, which is the Capital of the Kingdom, I thought I was got into West-Smithfield, for such a Place for Nastiness was not to be found upon Earth, for as the latter was but fill’d with Beasts Dung, the other was more nasty than a common Jakes or Inns-of-Court House of Office, for having a Dung-Tub at the Head of every Pair of Stairs in their Houses, which are 14 or 15 low Stories high, they are emptied a-nights on Peoples Heads without any respect of Persons, so that till 8 or 9 o’ th’ Clock in the Morning, the whole City, which may be a Mile in Length, is scented with the excellent Perfume of Scotch Civit Cats; and all the Woman here look as ugly as the Four of Clubs, which some call Wibling’s Witch, from one James Wibling, who in the Reign of King James the First grew rich by private Gaming, and was commonly observ’d to have this Card in his Hand, so that he never lost a Game but when he mist it.

All the Scots are generally as great Enemies to Gentility and nice Dressing, as Diogenes the morose Cynic was to Plato, because of his courtly Compliance with the World; and to be honest would be as great a Mortification to them as Lent to a poor Player. They’ll sit as lovingly about Oaten Cakes and Butter, as a Parcel of Tarpaulins round a Platter of Burgue; and they love Hunger and Ease, as well as a Lawyer does Term-Time. Tho’ they hate the solemn Festival of Christmas, and other Holy-days, yet they pay some Veneration to St. Andrew; and will be as Drunk on the 30th of November, as any Shoemaker once a Year to the Remembrance of Crispin. They hold Fairs in many Places, at which is much Mobbing, Whoring and Drunkenness as at our Shirking-Fair by Tyburn: And Mrs. Cicilia, they say, is no Saint, but a common Strumpet bred up at a Three-penny Hop in London. I never saw the Sign of the Brats-Tumbler any where, which makes me believe every Scotch Woman brings her Urchins into the World, without the Assistance of Madam Grope, to save Charges; on a Sunday Morning the Scots will run 4 or 5 Miles to a Conventicle; and in the Afternoon to the Mountains to louse themselves.

It is suppos’d by some, that Scotland is the Land of Nod, to which Cain was exil’d a Vagabond for the Murther of his Brother Abel; and truly in my Opinion the Supposition may be Very probable, for Cain’s being an Inhabitant there, the Ground hath been curst ever since, for it is a most barren Place to this very Day. Had grazing Nebuchadnezzar been here, he would have found but bad Pasture; and Judas as much plagu’d for a Tree to hang himself on. Bag-Pipes they esteem before Organs; there’s as much Hypocrisy in their Pantile-Houses as Irreligion in a Jews Synagogue; and the Dog-Days are not so warm here as in more Southerly Climates, but their Bitches Nights every where are too hot with a Vengeance. Here is every Day an Autumn among the Women; for, for a Noggin of Brandy they will fall as thick on their Backs as the Leaves in St. James’s Park do in September; and Law and Equity are as great Strangers to the Scots, as Honesty to the Justice of Peace that’s lately run from Clare-Court to the Mint, and who (when in Commission) was fitter to sit on a Butcher’s Block, as his Father did before him, than in a Magistrate’s Chair.

The Castle at Edinburgh is reckon’d as impregnable as a Scotchman’s sear’d Conscience; and their Capital contains but one Broad Street, by which is an University containing one College of Scholars poor both in Purse and Head. Here are no Carts, but sliding Cars; and the highest Number I ever saw on their Hackney Coaches exceeded not 29. The Scots reckon their Children spurious if they have not the Itch; and there’s as much Whoring every Day, as at Bartholomew or Southwark Fair. They Bury the Dead at Noon, to save the Charge of Torches; and as here are no Linkmen, only Boys and Girls light Passengers with Candles in Paper Lanthorns all about Town for a Baubee. Most of the People are generally of the Religion with them who marry without a Ring, Christen without the Cross, and Die without Baptism. Their Pastors, who are of the true Stamp of Geneva, endeavour by long extemporary Prayers and tedious Graces, to save the poor Souls of those Mountaineers; but yet their Hypocrisie Damns more than ever Sampson Slew, and with the same Weapon too, the Jaw Bone of an Ass. The Presbyterian Government is uppermost here; which Religion being a good quiet Subject, I could not forbear setting forth the Piety of a Scotch Presbyterian, in the following Lines.

A Scotchman’s Tongue runs high Fullams, there is a Cheat in his Idiom; for the Sense ebbs from the bold Expression, like the Citizen’s Gallon in London, which the Drawer interprets but half a Pint. As they never speak as they think, their false Tongues may be compar’d to the Cards at Primiviste, in which Game 6 is 18, and 7 is 21. The poorer sort have a piece of Linnen peeping out at their Collars for show of a Shirt; but with long wearing it is so black and ragged, that it is going to the Paper-Mill as fast as it can. When the Beasts enter’d into the Ark by Pairs, I wonder how Noah coupl’d the Scots, for they are strange Creatures both by Sea and Land; and an Ass is scarce to be had in this Nation either for Love or Money, because they put ’em all into Commissions of the Peace. They retain one barbarous Custom still, and that is, if any two be displeas’d they expect no Law, but bang it out, one and his kindred against the other and his; being so implacable in their hatred, that on each side they use a Scale of Destruction, by striving to ruin the Father, beggar the Son, and strangle the Hopes of all Posterity: And this Fighting they call their Feider, a Word so barbarous, that was it to be express’d in Latin, it must be by Circumlocution.

Their ill Manners make them look more salvage than the Monsters put by Astrologers to the Humane Limbs in Anatomy; wherefore it is strange that Physicians do not apply a Scotchman to the Soles of the Feet in a desperate Fever, for he would draw far beyond Pidgeons; and it is thought some of our English Quacks, Empericks or Mountebanks will slice one to try the Experiment. The Scots were ever as great Friends to the King of France, as Don Quixot was to Sancho Pancho, who fought at all Adventures to purchase the other the Government of an Island which was none of his; and they think themselves as brave Fellows as the Spanish Knight Errant, when he fought a Windmill, to the great Danger of breaking the Necks of him and his Horse Rosinante, when it flung ’em both into a Pond. Their Godliness is of the same Parentage with good Laws, both extracted out of bad Manners; and their Teachers live upon the Sins of their Congregations, which verifies the Axiom, Iisdem nutritur ex quibus componitur. They dread to be civiliz’d; and they have a great Antipathy against Church Windows which are painted, when a Looking Glass would shew them more Superstition: In fine, a Scotchman is such a Hater of Images, that he hath defac’d God’s in his own Countenance.