Act 1 — ACT the Fourth. A Tavern.

{2 Tables, three Chairs to each. Enter Compasse, Peg, and Pettifog.

A Drawer Meets them.

Drawer. Welcome Gentlemen. Please to walk into a Room?

Compasse: Aye Boy. Come Mr. Pettifog, please you sit.

Pettifog: With all my Heart; Come Mistress.

Draw. What Wine will you be pleased to drink, Gentlemen?

Pett. Ask the good Woman: speak Mistress.

Com. Canary for her; I know what relishes her Palat best. A Quart of brisk Canary, Boy.

Draw. Ye shall have the best in England.—Coming, Coming, Sir. [Exit.

Com. What call you this same Tavern, Mr. Attorney?

Pett. The King’s Head, Sir.

Com. The King’s Head: Marry, it has a good Neighbour of Guild-hall. It takes many a fair Pound upon that ’n Account, I warrant you.

Draw. (within) A Quart of Canary in the King’s-head, score.

Enter Drawer, fills a Glass, and gives it Compasse.

Draw. Sir, Here’s a Glass of the richest Canary that ever came over, the very Quintessence of the Grape I assure you.

Com. Say’st thou so? Why then there’s a Tester for thee, and so leave us—. Come, Mr. Pettifog, [Exit Drawer] and ’t please you my Service to you. [Drinks.

Pett. I thank you kindly, Sir.—Mrs. my Service to you, your Husband’s good Health. [Drinks.

Peg. With all my Heart indeed, Here my dear black ey’d Rogue, thy n’own good Health. [Drinks.

Com. Thank you Peg, thank you, so now let’s mind our Business.

Enter Mr. Ventere, his Wife, and Dodge, to another Table in the same Room.

Mr. Ven. Show a Room, Drawer.

Draw. Here Sir.

Mr. Ven. Ne’re a private Room?

Draw. No Sir, the House is full.

Com. Ods fish, whom have we here, my Wife’s Merchant, with his Lawyer?

Pett. Ye know we promised to give him a Meeting here.

Comp. ’Tis true we did so,—but come to the Business in hand. [Pettifog and Compasse talk privately.

Mr. Ven. Well, bring us a Bottle of your best Red.

Draw. You shall have it, Sir. [Exit Drawer.

Mr. Ven. And what do you think of my Cause, Mr. Dodge?

Dodge. O we shall carry it most certainly: You have Money to go through with the Business; and ne’re fear but we’ll trounce them swingingly.

Mr. Ven. I warrant you think it very strange, Mr. Dodge, that I am at this Charge and Expence to bring a farther Charge upon me.

Dodge. Not I, I assure you, Sir, for I know you are a wise Man, and know very well what you do; besides you have Money, Money enough, Sir.

Mr. Ven. Why the short and the long of the Business is this; I made a Purchase lately, and in that I did estate the Child (about which I’m sued) Joint-Purchaser with me in all the Land I bought.

Mrs. Ven. Right Husband; and you know ’twas I that advised you to make the Purchase, and therefore I’ll never give my Consent to have the Child brought up by such a stinking Tar-barrel as now sues for him; he’d only bring him up to be a Swabber; no, no, he was born a Merchant and a Gentleman, and he shall live and die so.

Dodge. You are a worthy Gentlewoman upon my word; there are but few of such a noble Temper: But what makes the Fool of the Husband then so troublesome; does he not know when he’s well?

Mrs. Ven. So ’tis a sign.

Dodge. A Blockhead, to proclaim his own Disgrace, and make himself laugh’d at.

Mr. Ven. That’s not it, he hopes to be the better by what is settled on the Boy.

Dodge. O, God’s so, that’s true: But never fear, I’ll be hang’d if he carry it, for you have Money, as I told you, Sir, before: but see, Sir, there they are.

Mr. Ven. Yes, Yes, I saw them before: but come, where’s our Wine? (Within) [the Bell rings as at the Bar.

Enter Drawer with a Bottle of Wine.

Draw. Here Sir,—Coming, Coming, Sir: Philip, speak up in the Mermaid, and bid Jack light a Fire. [Exit Drawer.

Comp. Well Mr. Pettifog, and what think you of my Suit, Sir?

Pett. Why look you Sir, the Defendant you know was arrested first by a Latitat in an Action of Trespass.

Comp. Yes, and a Lawyer told me, it shou’d have been an Action of the Case, did he not, Wife?

Peg. I have no Skill in the Law you know Husband, but the Gentleman did say so.

Pett. Aye, but your Action of the Case in this Point is too ticklish.

Comp. Well, but pray tell me, do you think I shall overthrow my Adversary?

Pett. Without all doubt, the Child he says is none of yours, What of that! I marry a Widow, and am by Consequence possess’d of a Ward. Now shall not I have the Management of that Ward? Now Sir you lie at a stronger Ward, for Partus sequitur ventrem, says the Civil Law: So that if you were within the Compass of the four Seas, as the Common Law goes, the Child must be yours, that’s certain.

Comp. Say you so, Sir? Why then the Child’s my own, for I have been a Coaster these five Years and more; and so my Service to you: [Drinks]. O your Attorneys in Guild-hall have a rare time on’t, by the Lord Harry.

Peg. They are as it were both Judg and Jury themselves.

Comp. And O how they will laugh at their Clients when they sit in a Tavern, and call them Fools, Blockheads and Coxcombs, and then whip up their Causes as nimbly as a Barber trims his Customers on a Christmas-Eve; a Snip, a Wipe and away.

Pett. That’s very common, you shall have the like at a Nisi-prius.

Enter Drawer.

Draw. Here’s a Gentleman, one Mr. Justice Merryman, enquires for Mr. Ventere the Merchant.

Mr. Ven. Here Boy, desire them to walk up. [Exit Drawer.] ’Tis my Brother, and a Counsellor, to make an End of this same Business.

Enter Justice Merryman and a Counsellor; both Tables rise and join together.

Merr. Your Servant, Gentlemen, your Servant: Counsellor Blunder and I have been canvasing the Business of this your Difference; and I believe, Brother, the Law will determine it as we have done; for it is point blank against you.

Mr. Ven. If it is, I must be contented: Well Sir, the Child’s your Wife’s, and you shall have it; and to endear you the more to’t, I’ll settle my part of the Estate on you and yours for ever: Give me your Hand. [They shake Hands.

We now are Friends.

Merr. Why that’s well said.

Couns. We all are Witness to the Agreement.

Omnes. All, all.

Comp. Nay I scorn to be outdone in Civility; therefore if you please I have a Gallon or two of Prize-Wine, and half a Dozen of good sound Bruges-Capons, which I’ll treat you and this good Company with at Supper; but no more Mutton, no not a bit.

Merr. Well Brother, I’m glad you’re Friends: Ods bobs I am. But come, let’s home now, and see what’s become of the Bride and Bridegroom: Farewel Friend, farewell: Come we’ll pay at the Bar. [Exeunt Merr. Mr. Vent. and his Wife, Couns. and Dodge.

Comp. Come Peg, Come and kiss me. [Compass kisses Peg.

I am Friends with thee too now.

Pett. Aye, aye, you have Reason, she has earn’d you a good Fortune; and need not venture to Sea any more: Yet one thing let me advise you, ’tis Counsel worth a good Fee, for it cures Cuckoldom.

Comp. Sayst thou so, come let’s hear it.

Pett. This it is, Make a flat Divorce between your selves, be you no longer her Husband, nor she your Wife: Two or three Hours after meet again, salute, woo and wed afresh, and so the base Name of Cuckold’s blotted quite. This has been experienc’d and approved by many.

Comp. ’Tis excellent i’faith,—There, there’s for you; and I thank you. Peg, I renounce thee,—nay and I renounce my self too from thee; thou art now a Widow, Peg; I’ll go hang my self two or three Hours at one o’ th’ Main Yards, and so long thou shalt go drown thy self. Then we’ll meet in White-Chappel-Fields, as it were by chance, and woo and wed again.

Peg. With all my Heart, kind Sir, fare you well.

Comp. Farewel Widow, remember Time and Place, and d’ you hear, Put on your Sabbath-day best Clothes.

Peg. I will, I will. [Exit Peg.

Comp. Sir, I am beholding to you for your good Counsel.

Pett. No, Sir, you have paid me for ’t, but I hope you do not intend to follow your own.

Comp. What is that?

Pett. Why, you said you’d hang your self.

Camp. No no, I have thought better on’t, for I’ll go drink my self dead drunk, then wake again, wash my Face, and meet the Bride.

Pett. That’s well said, and I’ll accompany you, and wish you Joy.

Comp. Joy, Sir, I have it Sir already, in a good Estate got by a Chopping Boy. [Exeunt.