LO, THE HEADLINER

I was not raised for vaudeville. Father and mother were veteran legits; They loved the Bard and the "Lady of Lyons." I was born on a show boat on the Cumberland; I was carried on as a child When the farm girl revealed her shame On the night of the snowstorm. The old folks died with grease paint on their faces. I did a little of everything Even to staking out a pitch in a street fair. Hiram Grafter taught me to ballyhoo And to make openings. I stole the business of Billy Sunday And imitated William Jennings Bryan. I became famous in the small towns. One day Poli heard me— He's the head of the New England variety circuit.— "Cul," he said, "you are a born monologist. Where you got that stuff I don't know, But you would be a riot in the two-a-day. Quit this hanky-panky And I'll make you a headliner." Well, I fell for his line of talk Like the sod busters had fallen for mine. Aaron Hoffman wrote me a topical monologue; Max Marx made me a suit of clothes; And Lew Dockstader wised me up On how to jockey my laughs. I opened in Hartford; Believe me, I was some scream. I gave them gravy, and hokum, And when they ate it up I came through With the old jasbo, Than which there is nothing so efficacious In vaudeville, polite or otherwise. The first thing I did I hollered for more dough, And Poli says: "That's what I get for feeding you meat, But you are a riot all right, all right, So I guess you are on for more kale." I kept getting better. I got so's I could follow any act at all And get my laughs. And he who getteth his laughs Is greater than he who taketh a city. At last the Palace Theatre sent for me And I signed up for a week. They kept me two. I am a headliner; I stand at the corner of Forty-seventh Street And Little Old Broadway; Throw out my chest, Call the agents and vaudeville magnates By their first names. I am a HEADLINER with a home in Freeport.