Part 1 — THE AMATEUR ORLANDO.

BY GEORGE T. LANIGAN.

It was an Amateur Dram. Ass., (Kind hearer, although your Knowledge of French is not first-class, Don't call that Amature.) It was an Amateur Dram. Ass., The which did warfare wage On the dramatic works of this And every other age.

It had a walking gentleman, A leading juvenile, First lady in book-muslin dressed. With a galvanic smile; Thereto a singing chambermaid, Benignant heavy pa, And oh, heavier still was the heavier vill- Ain, with his fierce "Ha! Ha!"

There wasn't an author from Shakespeare down— Or up—to Boucicault, These amateurs weren't competent To collar and assault. And when the winter time came round— "Season" 's a stagier phrase— The Am. Dram. Ass. assaulted one Of the Bard of Avon's plays.

'Twas As You Like It that they chose; For the leading lady's heart Was set on playing Rosalind Or some other page's part, And the President of the Am. Dram. Ass., A stalwart dry-goods clerk, Was cast for Oriando, in which role He felt he'd make his mark.

"I mind me," said the President, (All thoughtful was his face,) "When Oriando was taken by Thingummy That Charles was played by Mace. Charles hath not many lines to speak, Nay, not a single length— If find we can a Mussulman (That is, a man of strength), And bring him on the stage as Charles— But, alas, it can't be did—" "It can," replied the Treasurer; "Let's get the Hunky Kid."

This Hunky Kid of whom he spoke Belonged to the P.R.; He always had his hair cut short, And always had catarrh; His voice was gruff, his language rough, His forehead villainous low, And 'neath his broken nose a vast Expanse of jaw did show. He was forty-eight about the chest, And his fore-arm at the mid- Dle measured twenty-one and a-half— Such was the Hunky Kid!

The Am. Dram. Ass. they have engaged This pet of the P.R.; As Charles the Wrestler he's to be A bright particular star. And when they put the programme out, Announce him thus they did: Oriando…Mr. ROMEO JONES; Charles…Mr. HUNKY KID.

The night has come; the house is packed, From pit to gallery, As those who through the curtain peep Quake inwardly to see. A squeak's heard in the orchestra, As the leader draws across Th' intestines of the agile cat The tail of the noble hoss.

All is at sea behind the scenes, Why do they fear and funk? Alas, alas, the Hunky Kid Is lamentably drunk! He's in that most unlovely stage Of half intoxication When men resent the hint they're tight As a personal imputation!

"Ring up! Ring up!" Orlando cried, "Or we must cut the scene; For Charles the Wrestler is imbued With poisonous benzine; And every moment gets more drunk Than he before has been."

The wrestling scene has come and Charles Is much disguised in drink; The stage to him's an inclined plane, The footlights make him blink. Still strives he to act well his part Where all the honour lies, Though Shakespeare would not in his lines— His language recognise. Instead of "Come, where is this young——?" This man of bone and brawn, He squares himself and bellows: "Time! Fetch your Orlandos on!"

"Now, Hercules be thy speed, young man," Fair Rosalind said she, As the two wrestlers in the ring Grapple right furiously; But Charles the Wrestler had no sense Of dramatic propriety.

He seized on Mr. Romeo Jones, In Graeco-Roman style: He got what they call a grape-vine lock On that leading juvenile; He flung him into the orchestra, And the man with the ophicleide, On whom he fell, he just said—well, No matter what—and died!

When once the tiger has tasted blood And found that it is sweet, He has a habit of killing more Than he can possibly eat.

And thus it was with the Hunky Kid; In his homicidal blindness, He lifted his hand against Rosalind Not in the way of kindness; He chased poor Celia off at L., At R.U.E. Le Beau, And he put such a head upon Duke Fred, In fifteen seconds or so, That never one of the courtly train Might his haughty master know.

* * * * *

And that's precisely what came to pass, Because the luckless carles Belonging to the Am. Dram. Ass. Cast the Hunky Kid for Charles!

—New York World.