THE DUKE AND THE DUCHESS

The Duke.

Small titles and orders For Mayors and Recorders I get—and they’re highly delighted. M.P.s baronetted, Sham Colonels gazetted, And second-rate Aldermen knighted. Foundation-stone laying I find very paying, It adds a large sum to my makings. At charity dinners The best of speech-spinners, I get ten per cent on the takings!

The Duchess.

I present any lady Whose conduct is shady Or smacking of doubtful propriety; When Virtue would quash her I take and whitewash her And launch her in first-rate society. I recommend acres Of clumsy dressmakers— Their fit and their finishing touches; A sum in addition They pay for permission To say that they make for the Duchess!

The Duke.

Those pressing prevailers, The ready-made tailors, Quote me as their great double-barrel; I allow them to do so, Though Robinson Crusoe Would jib at their wearing apparel! I sit, by selection, Upon the direction Of several Companies bubble; As soon as they’re floated I’m freely bank-noted— I’m pretty well paid for my trouble!

The Duchess.

At middle-class party I play at écarté— And I’m by no means a beginner; To one of my station The remuneration— Five guineas a night and my dinner. I write letters blatant On medicines patent— And use any other you mustn’t; And vow my complexion Derives its perfection From somebody’s soap—which it doesn’t.

The Duke.

We’re ready as witness To any one’s fitness To fill any place or preferment; We’re often in waiting At junket fêting, And sometimes attend an interment. In short, if you’d kindle The spark of a swindle, Lure simpletons into your clutches, Or hoodwink a debtor, You cannot do better Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess!