SOME REFLECTIONS UPON MARRIAGE.

Curiosity, which is sometimes an Occasion of Good, but more frequently of Mischief, by disturbing our own or our Neighbours Repose, having induc’d me to read the Account of an unhappy Marriage, I thought an Afternoon would not be quite thrown away in pursuing such Reflections as it occasion’d. I am far from designing a Satire upon Marriage, as some pretend, either unkindly or 2ignorantly, through want of Reflection in that Sense wherein I use the Word.

One wou’d have thought that Cardinal Mazarine, whose Dignity, Power and Riches, render’d him so considerable in the Eyes of all Europe; and who, like most great Ministers, aim’d at nothing so much as the aggrandizing himself and his Family, and who wanted no Opportunities of doing it, should have taken his Measures so justly as not to be disappointed: At least, that a Fabrick rais’d with as much Art and Cost, founded in the Oppression, and cemented with the Blood of the People, should not so quickly have tumbled into the Dust after him. But so it is, Providence, whether we think of it or no, overrules our Actions and baffles our best-concerted Projects: So that unless we wilfully shut our Eyes, we cannot but discern, that when Men in Power and Honour leave God out of their Schemes, they have no Understanding, though their natural Genius be ever so bright, but 3are justly compared to the Beasts that perish. The Ignorant and Foolish succeed quite as well as the Worldly-wise, who carry nothing away with them when they die, neither will their Riches and Glory descend as they intended. It is only by generous and worthy Actions that we are rescued from Oblivion, or from what is worse, being remembred with Contempt and Execrations: So little Reason is there to envy any Man’s Wealth and Greatness, but much to emulate their Wisdom and Vertue whose Views extend to a more durable Felicity.

’Tis natural to well-turn’d Minds, when they hear of any Person eminent in Wit and Beauty, adorn’d with Politeness and Address, to wish these may be accompanied and supported by what is more valuable and lasting, solid Sense and real Vertue. One grieves at any Imputation on such an engaging Character, and if one cannot always find the favourite Person fortunate, one labours for the Consolation of finding them discreet; 4and even where their Conduct is not wholly blameless, Compassion and Good-nature will take Place of Censure in a Noble, as well as in a Christian Heart. We find out something to excuse, something to regret, lamenting that such a Treasure should fall into unworthy Hands, insensible of its Value, unskilful to preserve and improve it: We sigh, we grieve, that any Person capable of being an Ornament to a Family, and Blessing to the Age, should only serve as an unhappy Shipwreck to point out the Misfortune of an ill Education and unsuitable Marriage, and the inexpressible Danger of seeking Consolation and Relief, in any thing but Innocence and Vertue.

They only who have felt it, know the Misery of being forc’d to marry where they do not love; of being yok’d for Life to a disagreeable Person and imperious Temper, where Ignorance and Folly (the Ingredients of a Coxcomb, who is the most unsufferable Fool) tyrannizes over Wit and Sense: To be perpetually 5contradicted for Contradiction-sake, and bore down by Authority, not by Argument; to be denied one’s most innocent Desires, for no other Reason but the absolute Will and Pleasure of a Lord and Master, whose Follies a Wife, with all her Prudence, cannot hide, and whose Commands she cannot but despise at the same Time that she obeys them.

Or, suppose on the other Hand, she has married the Man she loves, heap’d upon him the highest Obligations, by putting into his Power the Fortune he coveted, the Beauty he profess’d to adore; how soon are the Tables turn’d? It is her Part now to court and fawn; his real or pretended Passion soon cools into Indifference, Neglect, or perhaps Aversion. ’Tis well if he preserves a decent Civility, takes a little care of Appearances, and is willing to conceal his Breach of Faith.

But shall a Wife retaliate? God forbid! no Provocation, though ever so 6great, can excuse the Sin, or lessen the Folly: It were indeed a revenging the Injury upon herself in the most terrible Manner. The Italian Proverb shews a much better Way, If you would be revenged of your Enemies, live well.

Devotion is the proper Remedy, and the only infallible Relief in all Distresses; when this is neglected or turn’d into Ridicule, we run, as from one Wickedness, so from one Misfortune, to another. Unhappy is that Grandeur which is too great to be good, and that which sets us at a Distance from true Wisdom. Even Bigotry, as contemptible as it is, is preferable to profane Wit; for that requires our Pity, but this deserves our Abhorrence.

A Woman who seeks Consolation under Domestick Troubles from the Gaieties of a Court, from Gallantry, Gaming, rambling in Search of odd Adventures, childish, ridiculous and ill-natur’d Amusements, such as we find in 7the unhappy Madam M——’s Memoirs, the common Methods of getting rid of Time, that is, of our very Being, and keeping as much as we can at a Distance from ourselves, will find these are very insignificant Applications; they hardly skin the Wound, and can never heal it, they even hurt, they make it fester, and render it almost incurable.

What an ill Figure does a Woman make, with all the Charms of her Beauty, and Sprightliness of her Wit, with all her good Humour and insinuating Address, though she be the best Oeconomist in the World, the most entertaining Company, if she remit her Guard, abate in the Severity of her Caution, and Strictness of her Vertue? If she neglects those Methods which are necessary to keep her, not only from a Crime, but from the very Suspicion of one? She justifies the Injury her Husband has done her, by publishing to the World, that whatever good Qualities she may possess, Discretion, the Mistress of all the 8rest, is wanting: Though she be really guiltless, she cannot prove her Innocence, the Suspicions in her Prejudice are so strong. When she is censur’d, Charity, that thinks no Evil, can only be silent; though it believes and hopes the best, it cannot engage in her Defence, nor apologize for irregular Actions.

An ill Husband may deprive a Wife of the Comfort and Quiet of her Life, give occasion of exercising her Vertue, try her Patience and Fortitude to the utmost, which is all he can do; it is herself only that can accomplish her Ruin.

In vain we seek for Colours to varnish faulty Manners. An Advocate shews the best Side of his Wit, but the worst of his Integrity when he has an ill Cause to manage: But to what Purpose? He cannot impose on the Judicious, his Colouring vanishes before their Eyes, and a good deal of Malice, with a very little Sense, will find the Weakness of 9his Arguments; so much the more suspected, by how much the more labour’d: For Truth is plain and forcible, depending on her own Strength; she requires no more than to be placed in a proper Light, nor condescends to Art or Insinuations, unless in Compassion to the Weakness and Prejudice of Mankind. Nor are they less mistaken in regard of Wit, which consists not meerly in saying what is odd and out of the way; Fools do this pretty often; but Wit consists in expressing good Sense in a surprising, yet natural and agreeable Manner.

There are some Reasons, (for the Laws of God and Man allow Divorces in certain Cases) though not many, that authorize a Wife’s leaving her Husband, but if any Thing short of absolute Necessity, from irreclaimable Vice and Cruelty, prevails with her to break these sacred and strongest Bonds, how is she expos’d to Temptations and Injuries, Contempt, and the just Censure of the World. A Woman of Sense, one shou’d 10think, could take but little Pleasure in the Courtship and Flatteries of her Adorers, even when she is single: But for a married Woman to admit of Love Addresses, is worse than Folly; it is a Crime so ridiculous, that I will never believe a Woman of Sense can be guilty of it. For what does a Man pretend when he whines and dangles after a married Woman? Would he have her think he admires her, when he is treating her with the last Contempt? or that he loves her, when he is trying his Arts to gratify his brutal Passion, at the Price of all that is dear to her? His fine Speeches have either no Meaning, or a reproachful one; he affronts her Understanding as well as her Vertue, if he fancies she cannot discern, or wants Spirit to resent the Insults. She can look on him no otherwise than as the worst of Hypocrites, who flatters to betray, and fawns that he may ruin; who is laying Snares to entangle her in a Commerce founded on Injustice, and Breach of the most sacred Vows, carried on by Dissimulation, 11Treachery, Lyes, and Deceit, attended with Fear and Anxiety, Shame, Remorse, the bitter Stings of Guilt, whose fatal Consequences cannot be foreseen, the least of which is the blasting of her Honour. And why all this Mischief? Why, because he professes to think her amiable, and with the blackest Treachery takes Advantage of her Weakness, and the too good Opinion she has entertained of him, to render her odious! to render her contemptible to himself, as well as to the World.

Who would be that unhappy Person with all her Grandeur, Wit and Beauty, who gave Occasion to these Reflections? Who would live so infamously, and die so miserably? Whatever Apologies the Interested may invent, what they call Gallantry will find a harsher Name with the Modest and Discreet. Or else Gallantry, under whatever Form, must pass for a scandalous Amusement, not to be allow’d among Persons of Vertue and Honour. It is indeed ridiculous 12to talk of harmless Gallantry; there is, there can be no such Thing: For besides the Umbrage and Scandal, a Christian must be pure in Heart and Eyes; she who has vow’d her Affections to one, and is his Property, cannot without Injustice, and even Perjury, parcel them out to more.

It is in Distempers of the Mind as in those of the Body, a little Care and Prudence will prevent what requires a long and difficult Regimen to cure: Therefore in both Cases the Aphorism holds; Resist the Beginnings; be early on our Guard. There was a Time when the most abandon’d Sinner would have shrunk with Horror, at what by Degrees becomes familiar, and, as they fancy, natural. The Sap is carry’d on against Vertue as artfully as against a fortified Town, and the Approaches are as methodical: But in this the Case is different, the Besieged cannot fly; whereas Vertue is best secured by avoiding the Enemy. They are sensible of this, 13and therefore nothing more common than that silly Maxim, That Vertue is not Vertue till it has been tried. This is a Mortar-piece that has done more Execution than all their other Arts; for Self-confidence is always a Prelude to Destruction. The Wife who listens to Admirers runs into Temptation, and sports upon a Precipice. For, as a noble Lord, who knew the World perfectly well, instructs his Daughter, she may as well play with Fire, as dally with Gallantry. I can say nothing so well upon this Subject, as what is writ by this noble Author, whom therefore I beg leave to transcribe:

“The Extravagancies of the Age have made Caution more necessary; and by the same Reason that the too great Licence of ill Men, hath by Consequence in many Things restrained the lawful Liberty of those who did not abuse it, the unjustifiable Freedom of some of your Sex, have involved the rest in the Penalty of being 14reduced. And though this cannot so alter the Nature of Things, as to make that Criminal, which in it self is Indifferent; yet if it maketh it dangerous, that alone is insufficient to justify the Restraint. A close Behaviour is the fittest to receive Vertue for its constant Guest, because there, and there only, it can be secure. Proper Reserves are the Outworks, and must never be deserted by those who intend to keep the Place; they keep off the Possibility not only of being taken, but of being attempted; and if a Woman seeth Danger at never so remote a Distance, she is for that Time to shorten her Line of Liberty: She who will allow her self to go to the utmost Extents of every thing that is lawful, is so very near going further, that those who lie at watch, will begin to count upon her.

“Mankind, from the double Temptation of Vanity and Desire, is apt to turn every thing a Woman doth to 15the hopeful Side; and there are few who dare make an impudent Application, till they discern something which they are willing to take for an Encouragement: It is safer therefore to prevent such Forwardness, than to go about to cure it: It gathereth Strength by the first Allowances, and claimeth Right from having been at any Time suffered with Impunity: Therefore nothing is with more Care to be avoided, than such a kind of Civility as may be mistaken for Invitation.”

In the Time of Yore a Knave was no more than a Servant, and possibly a Gallant might originally denote a well-dress’d Coxcomb, who had nothing else to do but to make Parade of his Wit and Cloaths, and perhaps of his Valour in Tournament, to gain the general Admiration of the Ladies, and the Honour of openly professing with Respect and Distance, his Veneration for some celebrated Beauty, or Woman of Merit. But modern Gallantry is quite a different 16Business: The Gallant, the fine Gentleman in Town, far superior to him upon the Road and all his Undergraduates, in carrying on his Plot, in the artful Contrivance of his Design, and Dexterity in executing it, happily combines the Cunning of the Fox, and the Audacity of the Tyger. Cruel indeed! for he tears the Fame, worries the Vertue, and compleats the Destruction of his unhappy Prey. ’Tis well for him that Christianity as yet prevails among us, for this obliges its Votaries to forgive the highest Injuries: Should the Morality of the honest Heathen, which some are pleas’d to profess, but not to practise, become the Fashion, or the old English Spirit, which has done and suffered so much for Liberty and Property, revive among us, alas! what would become of the pretty Fellows? Would they not run the Risque of being taken for Wolves, or Savages, have a Price set on their Heads, and be exterminated at any rate, that so among rational Persons we might be esteem’d a civiliz’d Nation?

17These Destroyers avoided, and better Care taken than usual in Womens Education, Marriage might recover the Dignity and Felicity of its original Institution; and Men be very happy in a married State, if it be not their own Fault. The great Author of our Being, who does nothing in vain, ordained it as the only honourable Way of continuing our Race; as a Distinction between reasonable Creatures and meer Animals, into which we degrade our selves, by forsaking the Divine Institution. God ordained it for a Blessing, not a Curse: We are foolish as well as wicked, when that which was appointed for mutual Comfort and Assistance, has quite contrary Effect through our Folly and Perverseness. Marriage therefore, notwithstanding all the loose Talk of the Town, the Satires of antient, or modern Pretenders to Wit, will never lose its just Esteem from the Wise and Good.

18Though much may be said against this, or that Match; though the Ridiculousness of some, the Wickedness of others, and the Imprudence of too many, may provoke our Wonder, or Scorn, our Indignation or Pity; yet Marriage in general is too sacred to be treated with Disrespect, too venerable to be the Subject of Raillery and Buffoonery. None but the Impious will pretend to refine on a Divine Institution, or suppose there is a better Way for Society and Posterity. Whoever scoffs at this, and by odious Representation would possess the married Pair with a frightful Idea of each other, as if a Wife is nothing better than a Domestick Devil, an Evil he must tolerate for his Conveniency; and an Husband must of necessity be a Tyrant or a Dupe; has ill Designs on both, and is himself a dangerous Enemy to the Publick, as well as to private Families.

But upon what are the Satires against Marriage grounded? Not upon the State 19it self, if they are just, but upon the ill Choice, or foolish Conduct of those who are in it? and what has Marriage consider’d in it self to do with these? When the Blame is laid where it ought to be, not Marriage, but inordinate Passion, Rashness, Humour, Pride, Covetousness, Inconstancy, unjust Suspicions, unnecessary Severity, and, in a Word, a silly, vicious, imprudent Choice, or Conduct, ought to be arraign’d. For why should Marriage be exclaim’d against when Men reap the Fruit of their own Folly? If they will put an unequal Yoke upon their own Necks, they have their Choice, who can they blame for it? If instead of a Help and Comfort, their Courtship has procured them a Plague and Disgrace, who may they thank but themselves: A Man can never be under any sort of Obligation to marry against his Liking, but through some reigning Vice, or want of Fortitude.

Could there be no happy Marriages, Arguments against Matrimony might 20have their Weight with the Reasonable as well as the Licentious. But since the Laws of God and Man, founded upon Reason and Experience, forbid a Temporary Contract, and engage the married Pair for Life, it is not only possible, but highly probable, and not without many eminent Instances, that there are and may be, happy Marriages; provided we act reasonably in our Choice and Conduct, acquit our selves like wise Men and Christians. So that all we have to say against Matrimony, seems only to shew the Levity, or Impiety of our own Minds: It is no more than a Flourish of Wit, and how prettily soever we may talk, it is but little to the Purpose.

Is it the being tied to One that offends us? Why this ought rather to recommend it to us, and would really do so, were we guided by Reason, and not by Humour or brutish Passion. He who does not make Friendship the chief Inducement to his Choice, and prefer it before any other Consideration, does not 21deserve a good Wife, and therefore should not complain if he goes without one. Now we can never grow weary of our Friends; the longer we have had them the more they are endear’d to us; and if we have One well assur’d, we need seek no farther, but are sufficiently happy in her. The Love of Variety in this and in other Cases, shews only the ill Temper of our own Mind in that; for instead of being content with a competent Share of Good, thankfully and chearfully enjoying what is afforded us, and patiently bearing with the Inconveniencies that attend it, we would set up our Rest here, and expect Felicity where it is not to be found.

The Christian Institution of Marriage provides the best that may be for Domestick Quiet and Content, and for the Education of Children; so that if we were not under the Tie of Religion, even the Good of Society and civil Duty, would oblige us to what Christianity requires: And since the very best of us 22are but poor frail Creatures, full of Ignorance and Infirmity, so that in Justice we ought to tolerate each other, and exercise that Patience towards our Companions to Day, which we shall give them occasion to shew towards us To-morrow; the more we are accustom’d to any one’s Conversation, the better shall we understand their Humour, be more able to comply with their Weakness, and less offended at it. For he who would have every one submit to his Humours, and will not in his Turn comply with them, (though we should suppose him always in the right, whereas a Man of this Temper very seldom is so) is not fit for a Husband, scarce fit for Society, but ought to be turn’d out of the Herd as an unreasonable Creature.

There may indeed be Inconveniencies in a married Life; but is there any Condition without them? And he who lives single, that he may indulge Licentiousness and give up himself to the Conduct of wild and ungovern’d Desires, (or 23indeed out of any other Inducement, than the Glory of God and the Good of his Soul, through the Prospect he has of doing more Good, or because his Frame and Disposition of Mind are more fit for a single than a married Life) may rail as he pleases against Matrimony, but can never justify his own Conduct, nor clear it from the Imputation of Wickedness and Folly.

But if Marriage be such a blessed State, how comes it, may you say, that there are so few happy Marriages? Now in answer to this, it is not to be wonder’d that so few succeed; we should rather be surpriz’d to find so many do, considering how imprudently Men engage, the Motives they act by, and the very strange Conduct they observe throughout.

For pray, what do Men propose to themselves in Marriage? What Qualifications do they look after in a Spouse? What will she bring? is the first Enquiry: 24How many Acres? Or how much ready Coin? Not that this is altogether an unnecessary Question, for Marriage without a Competency, that is, not only a bare Subsistence, but even a handsome and plentiful provision, according to the Quality and Circumstances of the Parties, is no very comfortable Condition. They who marry for Love, as they call it, find Time enough to repent their rash Folly, and are not long in being convinc’d, that whatever fine Speeches might be made in the Heat of Passion, there could be no real Kindness between those who can agree to make each other miserable. But tho’ an Estate is to be consider’d, it should not be the Main, much less the only Consideration; for Happiness does not depend on Wealth; That may be wanting, and too often is, where This abounds. He who marries himself to a Fortune only, must expect no other Satisfaction than that can bring him; but let him not say that Marriage, but that his own covetous or prodigal Temper, has made him unhappy. What Joy 25has that Man in all his Plenty, who must either run from home to possess it, contrary to all the Rules of Justice, to the Laws of God and Man, nay, even in Opposition to good Nature and good Breeding too, which some Men make more Account of than of all the rest; or else be forc’d to share it with a Woman whose Person or Temper is disagreeable, whose Presence is sufficient to sour all his Enjoyments, so that if he has any Remains of Religion or good Manners, he must suffer the Uneasiness of a continual Watch, to force himself to a constrain’d Civility?

Few Men have so much Goodness as to bring themselves to a Liking of what they loath’d, meerly because it is their Duty to like; on the contrary, when they marry with an Indifferency, to please their Friends or increase their Fortune, the Indifferency proceeds to an Aversion, and perhaps even the Kindness and Complaisance of the poor abus’d Wife, shall only serve to increase it. 26What follows then? There is no Content at home, so it is sought elsewhere, and the Fortune so unjustly got, is as carelesly squander’d; the Man takes a Loose, what should hinder him? He has all in his Hands, and Custom has almost taken off that small Restraint Reputation us’d to lay. The Wife finds too late what was the Idol the Man adored, which her Vanity, perhaps, or it may be the Commands and Importunities of Relations, would not let her see before; and now he has got That into his Possession, she must make Court to him for a little sorry Alimony out of her own Estate. If Discretion and Piety prevail upon her Passions, she sits down quietly contented with her Lot, seeks no Consolation in the Multitude of Adorers, since he whom only she desir’d to please, because it was her Duty to do so, will take no Delight in her Wit or Beauty: She follows no Diversion to allay her Grief, uses no Cordials to support her Spirit, that may sully her Vertue or bring a Cloud upon her Reputation; she makes 27no Appeals to the mis-judging Croud, hardly mentions her Misfortunes to her most intimate Acquaintance, nor lays a Load on her Husband to ease her self; but would, if it were possible, conceal his Crimes, though her Prudence and Vertue give him a thousand Reproaches without her Intention or Knowledge; and retiring from the World, she seeks a more solid Comfort than it can give her, taking Care to do nothing that Censoriousness, or even Malice it self can misconstrue to her Prejudice. Now she puts on all her Reserves, and thinks even innocent Liberties scarce allowable in her disconsolate State; she has other Business to mind: Nor does she in her Retirements reflect so much upon the Hand that administers this bitter Cup, as consider what is the best Use she can make of it. And thus indeed, Marriage, however unfortunate in other respects, becomes a very great Blessing to her. She might have been exposed to all the Temptations of a plentiful Fortune, have given up her self to Sloth and 28Luxury, and gone on at the common rate, even of the better Sort, in doing no Hurt, and as little Good: But now her kind Husband obliges her to Consider, and gives Opportunity to exercise her Vertue; he makes it necessary to withdraw from those Gaieties and Pleasures of Life, which do more Mischief under the Shew of Innocency, than they could if they appear’d attended with a Crime, discomposing and dissolving the Mind, and making it uncapable of any manner of Good, to be sure of any thing Great and Excellent. Silence and Solitude, the being forc’d from the ordinary Entertainments of her Station, may perhaps seem a desolate Condition at first, and we may allow her, poor weak Woman! to be somewhat shock’d at it, since even a wise and courageous Man perhaps would not keep his Ground. We would conceal (if we could) for the Honour of the Sex, Mens being baffled and dispirited by a smaller matter, were not the Instances too frequent and too notorious.

29But a little Time wears off all the Uneasiness, and puts her in possession of Pleasures, which till now she has unkindly been kept a Stranger to. Affliction, the sincerest Friend, the frankest Monitor, the best Instructor, and indeed, the only useful School that Women are ever put to, rouzes her Understanding, opens her Eyes, fixes her Attention, and diffuses such a Light, such a Joy into her Mind, as not only Informs her better, but Entertains her more than ever her Ruel did, though crouded by the Men of Wit. She now distinguishes between Truth and Appearances, between solid and apparent Good; has found out the Instability of all earthly Things, and won’t any more be deceived by relying on them; can discern who are the Flatterers of her Fortune, and who the Admirers and Encouragers of her Vertue; accounting it no little Blessing to be rid of those Leeches, who hung upon her only for their own Advantage. Now sober Thoughts succeed to Hurry and 30Impertinence, to Forms and Ceremony; she can secure her Time, and knows how to improve it; never truly a happy Woman till she came, in the Eye of the World, to be reckon’d Miserable.

Thus the Husband’s Vices may become an Occasion of the Wife’s Vertues, and his Neglect do her a more real Good than his Kindness could. But all injur’d Wives don’t behave themselves after this Fashion, nor can their Husbands justly expect it. With what Face can he blame her for following his Example, and being as extravagant on the one Hand, as he is on the other? Though she cannot justify her Excesses to God, to the World, nor to her Self, yet surely in respect of him they may admit of an Excuse. For to all the rest of his Absurdities, (for Vice is always unreasonable) he adds one more, who expects that Vertue from another which he won’t practise himself.

31But suppose a Man does not marry for Money, though for one that does not, perhaps there are thousands that do; suppose he marries for Love, an Heroick Action, which makes a mighty Noise in the World, partly because of its Rarity, and partly in regard of its Extravagancy, what does his marrying for Love amount to? There’s no great Odds between his marrying for the Love of Money, or for the Love of Beauty; the Man does not act according to Reason in either Case, but is govern’d by irregular Appetites. But he loves her Wit perhaps, and this, you’ll say, is more Spiritual, more Refin’d: Not at all, if you examine it to the Bottom. For what is that which now a-days passes under the Name of Wit? A bitter and ill-natur’d Raillery, a pert Repartee, or a confident talking at all; and in such a multitude of Words, it’s Odds if something or other does not pass that is surprizing, though every Thing that surprizes does not please; some Things being wonder’d 32at for their Ugliness, as well as others for their Beauty. True Wit, durst one venture to describe it, is quite another Thing; it consists in such a Sprightliness of Imagination, such a Reach and Turn of Thought, so properly express’d, as strikes and pleases a judicious Taste. For though, as one says of Beauty, ’tis in no Face, but in the Lover’s Mind, so it may be said of some sorts of Wit, it is not in him that speaks, but in the Imagination of his Hearer; yet doubtless there is a true Standard-Wit, which must be allow’d for such by every one who understands the Terms. I don’t say that they shall all equally like it; and it is this Standard-wit that always pleases, the Spurious does so only for a Season.

Now what is it that strikes a judicious Taste? Not that, to be sure, which injures the Absent, or provokes the Company, which poisons the Mind under Pretence of entertaining it, proceeding from, or giving Countenance to false Notions, to dangerous and immoral Principles. 33Wit indeed is distinct from Judgment, but it is not contrary to it; ’tis rather its Handmaid, serving to awaken and fix the Attention, that so we may judge rightly. Whatever charms, does so because of its Regularity and Proportion; otherwise, though it is Extraordinary and out of the Way, it will only be star’d on like a Monster, but can never be lik’d. And tho’ a Thought is ever so fine and new, ever so well express’d, if it suits not with Decorum and good Manners, it is not just and fit, and therefore offends our Reason, and consequently has no real Charms, nor would afford us any Entertainment, if our Taste were not deprav’d.

But it must not be suppos’d that Womens Wit approaches those Heights which Men arrive at, or that they indulge those Liberties the other take. Decency lays greater Restraints on them, their Timorousness does them this one, and perhaps this only Piece of Service, it keeps them from breaking through 34these Restraints, and following their Masters and Guides in many of their daring and masculine Crimes. As the World goes, your Witty Men are usually distinguish’d by the Liberty they take with Religion, good Manners, or their Neighbours Reputation: But, God be thank’d, it is not yet so bad, as that Women should form Cabals to propagate Atheism and Irreligion^[1]. A Man then cannot hope to find a Woman whose Wit is of a Size with his, but when he doats on Wit, it is to be imagin’d he makes Choice of that which comes the nearest to his own.

Thus, whether it be Wit or Beauty that a Man’s in Love with, there are no great Hopes of a lasting Happiness; Beauty, with all the Helps of Art, is of no long Date; the more it is help’d, the sooner it decays; and he, who only or chiefly chose for Beauty, will in a little Time find the same Reason for another Choice. Nor is that sort of Wit which 35he prefers, of a more sure Tenure; or allowing it to last, it will not always please. For that which has not a real Excellency and Value in it self, entertains no longer than that giddy Humour which recommended it to us holds; and when we can like on no just, or on very little Ground, ’tis certain a Dislike will arise, as lightly and as unaccountably. And it is not improbable that such a Husband may in a little Time, by ill Usage, provoke such a Wife to exercise her Wit, that is, her Spleen on him, and then it is not hard to guess how very agreeable it will be to him.

In a word, when we have reckon’d up how many look no further than the making of their Fortune, as they call it; who don’t so much as propose to themselves any Satisfaction in the Woman to whom they plight their Faith, seeking only to be Masters of her Estate, that so they may have Money enough to indulge all their irregular Appetites; who think they are as good as can be expected, 36if they are but, according to the fashionable Term, Civil Husbands; when we have taken the Number of your giddy Lovers, who are not more violent in their Passion than they are certain to repent of it; when to these you have added such as marry without any Thought at all, further than that it is the Custom of the World, what others have done before them, that the Family must be kept up, the antient Race preserv’d, and therefore their kind Parents and Guardians choose as they think convenient, without ever consulting the Young one’s Inclinations, who must be satisfied, or pretend so at least, upon Pain of their Displeasure, and that heavy Consequence of it, Forfeiture of their Estate: These set aside, I fear there will be but a small Remainder to marry out of better Considerations; and even amongst the Few that do, not one in a Hundred takes Care to deserve his Choice.

But do the Women never choose amiss? Are the Men only in Fault? 37That is not pretended; for he who will be just, must be forced to acknowledge, that neither Sex are always in the right. A Woman, indeed, can’t properly be said to Choose; all that is allow’d her, is to Refuse or Accept what is offer’d. And when we have made such reasonable Allowances as are due to the Sex, perhaps they may not appear so much in Fault as one would at first imagine, and a generous Spirit will find more Occasion to Pity, than to Reprove. But sure I transgress——it must not be suppos’d that the Ladies can do amiss! He is but an ill-bred Fellow who pretends that they need Amendment! They are, no doubt on’t, always in the right, and most of all when they take Pity on distressed Lovers! Whatever they say carries an Authority that no Reason can resist, and all that they do must needs be Exemplary! This is the Modish Language, nor is there a Man of Honour amongst the whole Tribe, that would not venture his Life, nay, and his Salvation too, in their Defence, if any but 38himself attempts to injure them. But I must ask Pardon if I can’t come up to these Heights, nor flatter them with the having no Faults, which is only a malicious Way of continuing and increasing their Mistakes.

Women, it’s true, ought to be treated with Civility; for since a little Ceremony and out-side Respect is all their Guard, all the Privilege that’s allow’d them, it were barbarous to deprive them of it; and because I would treat them civilly, I would not express my Civility at the usual rate. I would not, under Pretence of Honouring and paying a mighty Deference to the Ladies, call them Fools, or what’s worse, to their Faces; For what are all the fine Speeches and Submissions that are made, but an abusing them in a well-bred Way? She must be a Fool with a Witness, who can believe a Man, Proud and Vain as he is, will lay his boasted Authority, the Dignity and Prerogative of his Sex, one Moment at her Feet, but in Prospect of 39taking it up again to more Advantage; he may call himself her Slave a few Days, but it is only in order to make her his all the rest of his Life.

Indeed that mistaken Self-Love that reigns in the most of us, both Men and Women, that over-good Opinion we have of ourselves, and Desire that others should have of us, makes us swallow every Thing that looks like Respect, without examining how wide it is from what it appears to be. For nothing is in Truth a greater Outrage than Flattery and feign’d Submissions; the plain English of which is this, “I have a very mean Opinion both of your Understanding and Vertue; you are Weak enough to be impos’d on, and Vain enough to snatch at the Bait I throw; there’s no Danger of your finding out my Meaning, or disappointing me of my Ends. I offer you Incense, ’tis true, but you are like to pay for’t, and to make me a Recompence for your Folly, in imagining I would give my self this Trouble, 40did I not hope, nay, were I not sure, to find my own Account in it. If for nothing else, you’ll serve at least as an Exercise of my Wit; and how much soever you swell with my Breath, ’tis I deserve the Praise for talking so well on so poor a Subject. We, who make the Idols, are the greater Deities; and as we set you up, so it is in our Power to reduce you to your first Obscurity, or to somewhat worse, to Contempt; you are therefore only on your good Behaviour, and are like to be no more than what we please to make you.” This is the Flatterer’s Language aside, this is the true Sense of his Heart, whatever his Grimace may be before the Company.

And if this be the true Meaning of honourable Courtship, what is meant by that Jargon, that Profusion of Love and Admiration which passes for Gallantry, when either of the Parties are married? Is it not the utmost Scurrility, in that it supposes she is, or that he hopes to 41make her, what good Manners forbids to name? And since he makes so free with the Lady’s Honour, can she afford him a civiller Answer, than what her Footman may deliver with a Crab-tree? But I correct my self,——this might be the Air of a haughty Roman Prude; our British Beauties are far more Gentle and Well-bred. And he who has the same Designs upon other Mens Relations, is sometimes so civil as to bear with the Outrages offer’d to his own.

Not but that ’tis possible, and sometimes Matter of Fact, to express our selves beyond the Truth in Praise of a Person, and yet not be guilty of Flattery; but then we must Think what we Say, and Mean what we Profess. We may be so blinded by some Passion or other, especially Love, which in Civil and Good-natur’d Persons is apt to exceed, as to believe some Persons more deserving than really they are, and to pay them greater Respect and Kindness than is in Strictness due to them. But this is not the present Case; for our fine 42Speech-makers doat too much on themselves to have any great Passion for another. Their Eyes are commonly too much fix’d on their own Excellencies, to view another’s good Qualities through a Magnifying-Glass; at least if ever they turn that End of the Perspective towards their Neighbours, ’tis only in Respect and Reference to themselves. They are their own Centres, they find a Disproportion in every Line that does not tend thither, and in the next Visit they make, you shall hear all the fine Things they had said, repeated to the new Object, and nothing remembred of the former but her Vanity, or something else as ridiculous, which serves for a Foil, or a Whet to Discourse. For let there be ever so many Wits in the Company, Conversation would languish, and they would be at a Loss, did not a little Censoriousness come in at a Need to help them.

Let us then treat the Ladies as civilly as may be, but let us not do it by 43Flattering them, but by endeavouring to make them such as may truly deserve our hearty Esteem and Kindness. Men ought really for their own Sakes, to do what in them lies to make Women Wise and Good, and then it might be hoped they themselves would effectually Study and Practice that Wisdom and Vertue they recommend to others. But so long as Men, even the best of them, who do not outrage the Women they pretend to adore, have base and unworthy Ends to serve, it is not to be expected that they should consent to such Methods as would certainly disappoint them. They would have their own Relations do well; it is their Interest: but it sometimes happens to be for their Turn that another Man’s should not, and then their Generosity fails them, and no Man is apter to find Fault with another’s dishonourable Actions, than he who is ready to do, or perhaps has done the same himself.

And as Men have little Reason to expect Happiness when they marry only 44for the Love of Money, Wit, or Beauty, as has been already shewn, so much less can a Woman expect a tolerable Life, when she goes upon these Considerations. Let the Business be carried as prudently as it can be on the Woman’s Side, a reasonable Man can’t deny that she has by much the harder Bargain: because she puts her self intirely into her Husband’s Power, and if the Matrimonial Yoke be grievous, neither Law nor Custom afford her that Redress which a Man obtains. He who has Sovereign Power does not value the Provocations of a Rebellious Subject; he knows how to subdue him with Ease, and will make himself obey’d: But Patience and Submission are the only Comforts that are left to a poor People, who groan under Tyranny, unless they are Strong enough to break the Yoke, to Depose and Abdicate, which, I doubt, would not be allow’d of here. For whatever may be said against Passive-Obedience in another Case, I suppose there’s no Man but likes it very well in this; how much soever 45Arbitrary Power may be dislik’d on a Throne, not Milton, nor B. H—, nor any of the Advocates of Resistance, would cry up Liberty to poor Female Slaves, or plead for the Lawfulness of Resisting a private Tyranny.

If there be a Disagreeableness of Humours, this, in my Mind, is harder to be born than greater Faults, as being a continual Plague, and for the most Part incurable. Other Vices a Man may grow weary of, or may be convinced of the Evil of them, he may forsake them, or they him, but his Humour and Temper are seldom, if ever, put off. Ill-nature sticks to him from his Youth to his grey Hairs, and a Boy that’s Humorous and Proud, makes a Peevish, Positive, and Insolent Old Man. Now if this be the Case, and the Husband be full of Himself, obstinately bent on his own Way, with or without Reason, if he be one who must be always Admir’d, always Humour’d, and yet scarce knows what will please him; if he has Prosperity 46enough to keep him from considering, and to furnish him with a Train of Flatterers and obsequious Admirers; and Learning and Sense enough to make him a Fop in Perfection; for a Man can never be a compleat Coxcomb, unless he has a considerable Share of these to value himself upon; What can the poor Woman do? The Husband is too Wise to be Advis’d, too Good to be Reform’d, she must follow all his Paces, and tread in all his unreasonable Steps, or there is no Peace, no Quiet for her; she must Obey with the greatest Exactness, ’tis in vain to expect any manner of Compliance on his Side, and the more she complies the more she may; his fantastical Humours grow with her Desire to gratify them, for Age increases Opinionatry in some, as well as it does Experience in others. Of such sort of Folks as these it was that Soloman spake, when he said, Seest thou a Man wise in his own Conceit, there is more hope of a Fool than of him; That is, the profligate Sinner, such a one being always a Fool in Solomon’s 47Language, is in a fairer Way of being convinc’d of his Folly, and brought to Reason, than the Proud, Conceited Man. That Man, indeed, can never be good at Heart, who is full of Himself and his own Endowments: Not that it is necessary, because it is not possible (humanly speaking) for one to be totally ignorant of his own good Qualities, I had almost said, he ought to have a modest Sense of ’em, otherwise he can’t be duly thankful, nor make the Use of them that is required, to the Glory of God, and the Good of Mankind; but he views them in a wrong Light, if he discerns any Thing that may exalt him above his Neighbours, make him over-look their Merit, or treat them with Neglect or Contempt. He ought to behold them with Fear and Trembling, as Talents which he has freely receiv’d, and for which he is highly Accountable, and therefore they should not excite his Pride, but his Care and Industry.

48And if Pride and Self-conceit keep a Man who has some good Qualities, and is not so bad as the most of his Neighbours, from growing better, it for certain confirms and hardens the Wicked in his Crimes, it sets him up for a Wit, that is, according to modern Acceptation, one who rallies all that is serious, a Contemner of the Priests first, and then of the Deity Himself. For Penitence and Self-condemnation are what his Haughtiness cannot bear, and since his Crimes have brought upon him the Reproaches of his own Mind, since he will not take the regular Way to be rid of them, which is, by Humbling himself, and making his Peace with Heaven, he bids Defiance to it, and wou’d, if he could, believe there is no future State, no After-retribution, because he has too just Reason to fear it.

If therefore it be a Woman’s hard Fate to meet with a disagreeable Temper, and of all others, the Haughty, 49Imperious, and Self-conceited are the most so, she is as unhappy as any Thing in this World can make her. For when a Wife’s Temper does not please, if she makes her Husband uneasy, he can find Entertainments Abroad; he has a hundred Ways of relieving himself; but neither Prudence nor Duty will allow a Woman to fly out: her Business and Entertainment are at home; and tho’ he makes it ever so uneasy to her, she must be content, and make her best on’t. She who elects a Monarch for Life, who gives him an Authority, she cannot recall, however he misapply it, who puts her Fortune and Person entirely in his Power, nay, even the very Desires of her Heart, according to some learned Casuists, so as that it is not lawful to Will or Desire any Thing but what he approves and allows, had need be very sure that she does not make a Fool her Head, nor a Vicious Man her Guide and Pattern; she had best stay till she can meet with one who has the Government of his own Passions, and has duly regulated his 50own Desires, since he is to have such an absolute Power over hers. But he who doats on a Face, he who makes Money his Idol, he who is charm’d with vain and empty Wit, gives no such Evidence, either of Wisdom or Goodness, that a Woman of any tolerable Sense shou’d care to venture her self to his Conduct.

Indeed, your fine Gentleman’s Actions are now a-days such, that did not Custom and the Dignity of his Sex give Weight and Authority to them, a Woman that thinks twice might bless her self, and say, Is this the Lord and Master to whom I am to promise Love, Honour and Obedience? What can be the Object of Love but amiable Qualities, the Image of the Deity impress’d upon a generous and godlike Mind, a Mind that is above this World, to be sure above all the Vices, the Tricks and Baseness of it; a Mind that is not full of it self, nor contracted to little private Interests, but which, in Imitation of 51that glorious Pattern it endeavours to copy after, expands and diffuses it self to its utmost Capacity in doing Good. But this fine Gentleman is quite of another Strain, he is the Reverse of this in every Instance. He is, I confess, very fond of his own Dear Person, he sees very much in it to admire; his Air and Mien, his Words and Actions, every Motion he makes, declare it; but they must have a Judgment of his Size, every whit as shallow, and a Partiality as great as his own, who can be of his Mind. How then can I Love? And if not Love, much less Honour. Love may arise from Pity, or a generous Desire to make that Lovely which as yet is not so, when we see any hopes of Success in our Endeavours of improving it; but Honour supposes some excellent Qualities already, something worth our Esteem; but, alas! there is nothing more contemptible than this Trifle of a Man, this meer Out-side, whose Mind is as base and mean as his external Pomp is glittering. His Office or Title apart, to which some 52ceremonious Observance must be paid for Order’s sake, there’s nothing in him that can command our Respect. Strip him of Equipage and Fortune, and such Things as only dazle our Eyes and Imaginations, but don’t in any measure affect our Reason, or cause a Reverence in our Hearts, and the poor Creature sinks beneath our Notice, because not supported by real Worth. And if a Woman can neither Love nor Honour, she does ill in promising to Obey, since she is like to have a crooked Rule to regulate her Actions.

A Meer Obedience, such as is paid only to Authority, and not out of Love and a Sense of the Justice and Reasonableness of the Command, will be of an uncertain Tenure. As it can’t but be uneasy to the Person who pays it, so he who receives it will be sometimes disappointed when he expects to find it: For that Woman must be endow’d with a Wisdom and Goodness much above what we suppose the Sex capable of, I fear 53much greater than any Man can pretend to, who can so constantly conquer her Passions, and divert her self even of Innocent Self-love, as to give up the Cause when she is in the Right, and to submit her inlightned Reason, to the imperious Dictates of a blind Will, and wild Imagination, even when she clearly perceives the ill Consequences of it, the Imprudence, nay, Folly and Madness of such a Conduct.

And if a Woman runs such a Risque when she marries prudently, according to the Opinion of the World, that is, when she permits her self to be dispos’d of to a Man equal to her in Birth, Education and Fortune, and as good as the most of his Neighbours, (for if none were to marry, but Men of strict Vertue and Honour, I doubt the World would be but thinly Peopled) if at the very best her Lot is hard, what can she expect who is Sold, or any otherwise betray’d into mercenary Hands, to one who is in all, or most respects, unequal to her? 54A Lover who comes upon what is call’d equal Terms, makes no very advantageous Proposal to the Lady he courts, and to whom he seems to be an humble Servant. For under many sounding Compliments, Words that have nothing in them, this is his true Meaning; He wants one to manage his Family, an House-keeper, one whose Interest it will be not to wrong him, and in whom therefore he can put greater Confidence than in any he can hire for Money. One who may breed his Children, taking all the Care and Trouble of their Education, to preserve his Name and Family. One whose Beauty, Wit, or good Humour and agreeable Conversation, will entertain him at Home when he has been contradicted and disappointed Abroad; who will do him that Justice the ill-natur’d World denies him; that is, in any one’s Language but his own, sooth his Pride and flatter his Vanity, by having always so much good Sense as to be on his Side, to conclude him in the Right, when others are so ignorant, or so rude, 55as to deny it. Who will not be blind to his Merit nor contradict his Will and Pleasure, but make it her Business, her very Ambition to content him; whose Softness and gentle Compliance will calm his Passions, to whom he may safely disclose his troublesome Thoughts, and in her Breast discharge his Cares; whose Duty, Submission and Observance, will heal those Wounds other Peoples Opposition or Neglect have given him. In a word, one whom he can intirely Govern, and consequently may form her to his Will and Liking, who must be his for Life, and therefore cannot quit his Service, let him treat her how he will.

And if this be what every Man expects, the Sum of his violent Love and Courtship, when it is put into Sense, and rendred Intelligible, to what a fine pass does she bring her self who purchases a Lord and Master, not only with her Money, but with what is of greater Value, at the Price of her Discretion! Who has not so much as that poor Excuse, 56Precedent and Example; or if she has, they are only such as all the World condemns? She will not find him less a Governor because she was once his Superior, on the contrary, the Scum of the People are most Tyrannical when they get the Power, and treat their Betters with the greatest Insolence. For, as the wise Man long since observ’d, A Servant when he Reigns, is one of those Things for which the Earth is disquieted, and which no body is able to bear.

It is the hardest Thing in the World for a Woman to know that a Man is not Mercenary, that he does not act on base and ungenerous Principles, even when he is her Equal, because being absolute Master, she and all the Grants he makes her are in his Power, and there have been but too many Instances of Husbands, that by wheedling, or threatning their Wives, by seeming Kindness, or cruel Usage, have persuaded, or forc’d them out of what has been settled on them. So that the Woman has in Truth no Security 57but the Man’s Honour and Good-nature, a Security that in this present Age no wise Person would venture much upon. A Man enters into Articles very readily before Marriage, and so he may, for he performs no more of them afterwards than he thinks fit. A Wife must never dispute with her Husband; his Reasons are now, no doubt on’t, better than hers, whatever they were before; he is sure to persuade her out of her Agreement, and bring her, it must be suppos’d, Willingly, to give up what she did vainly hope to obtain, and what she thought had been made sure to her. And if she shews any Refractoriness, there are Ways enough to humble her; so that by Right or Wrong the Husband gains his Will. For Covenants between Husband and Wife, like Laws in an Arbitrary Government, are of little Force, the Will of the Sovereign is All in All. Thus it is in Matter of Fact, I will not answer for the Right of it; for if the Woman’s Reasons, upon which those Agreements are grounded, are not just 58and good, why did he consent to them? Was it because there was no other Way to obtain his Suit, and with an Intention to annul them when it shall be in his Power? Where then is his Sincerity? But if her Reasons are good, where is his Justice in obliging her to quit them? He neither way acts like an equitable or honest Man.

But when a Woman marries unequally and beneath her self, there is almost Demonstration that the Man is sordid and unfair; that instead of loving her he only loves himself, trapans and ruins her to serve his own Ends. For if he had not a mighty Opinion of himself, (which Temper is like to make an admirable Husband) he would never imagine that his Person and good Qualities could make Compensation for all the Advantages she quits on his Account. If he had a real Esteem for her, or valued her Reputation, he would not expose it, nor have her Discretion call’d in Question for his sake; and if he truly lov’d 59her, he would not reduce her to Straits and a narrow Fortune, nor so much as lessen her way of Living to better his own. For since God has placed different Ranks in the World, put some in a higher, and some in a lower Station, for Order and Beauty’s sake, and for many good Reasons; though it is both our Wisdom and Duty not only to submit with Patience, but to be thankful and well-satisfied, when by his Providence we are brought low, yet there is no manner of Reason for us to degrade our selves; on the contrary, much why we ought not. The better our Lot is in this World, and the more we have of it, the greater is our Leisure to prepare for the next; we have the more Opportunity to exercise that God-like Quality, to taste that Divine Pleasure, doing Good to the Bodies and Souls of those beneath us. Is it not then ill Manners to Heaven, and an irreligious Contempt of its Favours, for a Woman to slight that nobler Employment, to which it has assign’d her, and thrust her self down to a meaner Drudgery, 60to what is in the very literal Sense a caring for the Things of the World, a caring not only to Please, but to Maintain a Husband?

And a Husband so chosen will not at all abate of his Authority and Right to Govern, whatever fair Promises he might make before. She has made him her Head, and he thinks himself as well qualified as the Best to act accordingly, nor has she given him any such Evidence of her Prudence as may dispose him to make an Act of Grace in her Favour. Besides, great Obligations are what Superiors cannot bear, they are more than can be return’d; to acknowledge were only to reproach themselves with Ingratitude, and therefore the readiest Way is, not to own, but over-look them, or rather, as too many do, to repay them with Affronts and Injuries.

What then is to be done? How must a Man choose, and what Qualities must incline a Woman to accept, that so our 61married Couple may be as happy as that State can make them? This is no hard Question; let the Soul be principally consider’d, and Regard had in the first place to a good Understanding, a vertuous Mind; and in all other respects let there be as much Equality as may be. If they are good Christians and of suitable Tempers all will be well; but I should be shrewdly tempted to suspect their Christianity who marry after any of those Ways we have been speaking of. I dare venture to say, that they don’t act according to the Precepts of the Gospel, they neither shew the Wisdom of the Serpent, nor the Innocency of the Dove; they have neither so much Government of themselves, nor so much Charity for their Neighbours; they neither take such Care not to scandalize others, nor to avoid Temptations themselves, are neither so much above this World, nor so affected with the next, as they would certainly be, did the Christian Religion operate in their Hearts, did they rightly understand, and sincerely 62practise it, or acted indeed according to the Spirit of the Gospel.

But it is not enough to enter wisely into this State, Care must be taken of our Conduct afterwards. A Woman will not want being admonish’d of her Duty; the Custom of the World, Oeconomy, every Thing almost reminds her of it. Governors do not often suffer their Subjects to forget Obedience through their want of demanding it; perhaps Husbands are but too forward on this Occasion, and claim their Right oftner and more imperiously than either Discretion or good Manners will justify, and might have both a more chearful and constant Obedience paid them if they were not so rigorous in exacting it. For there is a mutual Stipulation, and Love, Honour, and Worship, by which certainly Civility and Respect at least are meant, are as much the Woman’s Due, as Love, Honour and Obedience are the Man’s. And being the Woman is said to be the weaker Vessel, the Man 63should be more careful not to grieve or offend her. Since her Reason is suppos’d to be less, and her Passions stronger than his, he should not give Occasion to call that Supposition in Question by his pettish Carriage and needless Provocations. Since he is the Man, by which very word Custom would have us understand not only greatest Strength of Body, but even greatest Firmness and Force of Mind, he should not play the little Master so much as to expect to be cocker’d, nor run over to that Side which the Woman us’d to be rank’d in; for, according to the Wisdom of the Italians, Will you? Is spoken to sick Folks.

Indeed Subjection, according to the common Notion of it, is not over easy; none of us, whether Men or Women, but have so good an Opinion of our own Conduct, as to believe we are fit, if not to direct others, at least to govern our selves. Nothing but a sound Understanding, and Grace, the best Improver of Natural Reason, can correct this Opinion, 64truly humble us, and heartily reconcile us to Obedience. This bitter Cup therefore ought to be sweetned as much as may be; for Authority may be preserv’d and Government kept inviolable, without that nauseous Ostentation of Power, which serves to no End or Purpose, but to blow up the Pride and Vanity of those who have it, and to exasperate the Spirits of such as must truckle under it.

Insolence is never the Effect of Power but in weak and cowardly Spirits, who wanting true Merit and Judgment to support themselves in that Advantageous Ground on which they stand, are ever appealing to their Authority, and making a Shew of it to maintain their Vanity and Pride. A truly great Mind, and such as is fit to Govern, tho’ it may stand on its Right with its Equals, and modestly expect what is due to it even from its Superiors, yet it never contends with its Inferiors, nor makes use of its Superiority but to do them Good. 65So that considering the just Dignity of Man, his great Wisdom so conspicuous on all Occasions! the Goodness of his Temper, and Reasonableness of all his Commands, which make it a Woman’s Interest as well as Duty to be observant and obedient in all Things; that his Prerogative is settled by an undoubted Right and the Prescription of many Ages; it cannot be suppos’d, that he should make frequent and insolent Claims of an Authority so well establish’d and us’d with such Moderation, nor give an impartial By-stander (could such an one be found) any Occasion from thence to suspect that he is inwardly conscious of the Badness of his Title; Usurpers being always most desirous of Recognitions, and busy in imposing Oaths, whereas a Lawful Prince contents himself with the usual Methods and Securities.

And since Power does naturally puff up, and he who finds himself exalted, seldom fails to think he ought to be so, it is more suitable to a Man’s Wisdom 66and Generosity, to be mindful of his great Obligations, than to insist on his Rights and Prerogatives. Sweetness of Temper and an obliging Carriage are so justly due to a Wife, that a Husband who must not be thought to want either Understanding to know what is fit, nor Goodness to perform it, can’t be suppos’d not to shew them. For setting aside the Hazard of her Person to keep up his Name and Family, with all the Pains and Trouble that attend it, which may well be thought great enough to deserve all the Respect and Kindness that may be; setting this aside, though ’tis very considerable, a Woman has so much the Disadvantage in most, I was about to say, in all Things, that she makes a Man the greatest Compliment in the World when she condescends to take him for Better for Worse. She puts her self intirely in his Power, leaves all that is dear to her, her Friends and Family, to espouse his Interests and follow his Fortune, and makes it her Business and Duty to please him! What Acknowledgments, 67what Returns can he make? What Gratitude can be sufficient for such Obligations? She shews her good Opinion of him by the great Trust she reposes in him, and what a Brute must he be who betrays that Trust, or acts any way unworthy of it? Ingratitude is one of the basest Vices, and if a Man’s Soul is sunk so low as to be guilty of it towards her who has so generously oblig’d him, and who so intirely depends on him, if he can treat her disrespectfully, who has so fully testified her Esteem of him, she must have a Stock of Vertue which he should blush to discern, if she can pay him that Obedience of which he is so unworthy.

Superiors indeed are too apt to forget the common Privileges of Mankind; that their Inferiors share with them the greatest Benefits, and are as capable as themselves of enjoying the supreme Good; that though the Order of the World requires an Outward Respect and Obedience from some to others, yet the Mind 68is free, nothing but Reason can oblige it, ’tis out of the Reach of the most absolute Tyrant. Nor will it ever be well either with those who Rule or those in Subjection, even from the Throne to every private Family, till those in Authority look on themselves as plac’d in that Station for the Good and Improvement of their Subjects, and not for their own Sakes; not as the Reward of their Merit, or that they may prosecute their own Desires and fulfil all their Pleasure, but as the Representatives of God, whom they ought to imitate in the Justice and Equity of their Laws, in doing Good and communicating Blessings to all beneath them: By which, and not by following the imperious Dictates of their own Will, they become truly Great and Illustrious, and worthily fill their Place. And the Governed for their Part, ceasing to envy the Pomp and Name of Authority, should respect their Governors as placed in God’s stead, and contribute what they can to ease them of their real Cares, by a chearful and ready Compliance, 69with their good Endeavours, and by affording them the Pleasure of Success in such noble and generous Designs.

For, upon a due Estimate, Things are pretty equally divided; those in Subjection, as they have a less Glorious, so they have an easier Task and a less Account to give; Whereas he who Commands, has in a great measure the Faults of others to answer for as well as his own. ’Tis true, he has the Pleasure of doing more Good than a private Person can, and shall receive the Reward of it when Time shall be no more, in Compensation for the Hazards he runs, the Difficulties he at present encounters, and the large Account he is to make hereafter. Which Pleasure and Reward are highly desirable, and most worthy our Pursuit; but they are Motives which such as Usurp on their Governors, and make them uneasy in the due Discharge of their Duty, never propose. As for those other little Things that move their Envy and Ambition, 70they are of no Esteem with a just Considerer, nor will such as violently pursue, find their Account in them.

But how can a Man respect his Wife when he has a contemptible Opinion of her and her Sex? When from his own Elevation he looks down on them as void of Understanding, full of Ignorance and Passion, so that Folly and a Woman are equivalent Terms with him? Can he think there is any Gratitude due to her whose utmost Services he exacts as strict Duty? Because she was made to be a Slave to his Will, and has no higher End than to Serve and Obey him? Perhaps we arrogate too much to our selves, when we say this Material World was made for our Sakes: That its Glorious Maker has given us the Use of it is certain; but when we suppose any Thing to be made purely for our Sakes, because we have Dominion over it, we draw a false Conclusion. As he who should say the People were made for the Prince who is set over them, 71would be thought to be out of his Senses as well as his Politicks. Yet even allowing that God, who made every Thing in Number, Weight and Measure, who never acts but for some great and glorious End, an End agreeable to His Majesty; allowing that He created such a Number of Rational Spirits merely to serve their Fellow Creatures, yet how are these Lords and Masters help’d by the Contempt they shew of their poor humble Vassals? Is it not rather an Hindrance to that Service they expect, as being an undeniable and constant Proof how unworthy they are to receive it?

None of God’s Creatures, absolutely consider’d, are in their own Nature contemptible; the meanest Fly, the poorest Insect has its Use and Vertue. Contempt is scarce a Human Passion, one may venture to say it was not in innocent Man, for till Sin came into the World, there was nothing in it to be contemn’d. But Pride, which makes every Thing serve its Purposes, wrested this Passion from 72its only Use, so that instead of being an Antidote against Sin, it is become a grand Promoter of it, nothing making us more worthy of that Contempt we shew, than when, poor, weak, dependent Creatures as we are! we look down with Scorn and Disdain on others.

There is not a surer Sign of a noble Mind, a Mind very far advanc’d towards Perfection, than the being able to bear Contempt and an unjust Treatment from one’s Superiors evenly and patiently. For inward Worth and real Excellency are the true Ground of Superiority, and one Person is not in reality better than another, but as he is more Wise and Good. But this World being a Place of Trial, and govern’d by general Laws, just Retributions being reserv’d for hereafter, Respect and Obedience many times become due for Order’s sake, to those who don’t otherwise deserve them. Now tho’ Humility keeps us from over-valuing our selves or viewing our Merit through a false and magnifying 73Medium, yet it does not put out our Eyes, it does not, it ought not to deprive us of that pleasing Sentiment which attends our Acting as we ought to Act, which is, as it were, a Foretaste of Heaven, our present Reward for doing what is just and fit. And when a Superior does a mean and unjust thing, as all Contempt of one’s Neighbour is, and yet this does not provoke his Inferiors to refuse that Observance which their Stations in the World require, they cannot but have an inward Sense of their own real Superiority, the other having no Pretence to it, at the same Time that they pay him an outward Respect and Deference, which is such a flagrant Testimony of the sincerest Love of Order, as proves their Souls to be of the highest and noblest Rank.

A Man therefore for his own sake, and to give Evidence that he has a Right to those Prerogatives he assumes, should treat Women with a little more Humanity and Regard than is usually paid 74them. Your whifling Wits may scoff at them, and what then? It matters not, for they rally every Thing though ever so sacred, and rail at the Women commonly in very good Company. Religion, its Priests, and those its most constant and regular Professors, are the usual Subjects of their manly, mannerly and surprizing Jests. Surprizing indeed! not for the Newness of the Thought, the Brightness of the Fancy, or Nobleness of Expression, but for the good Assurance with which such Thread-bare Jests are again and again repeated. But that your grave Dons, your learned Men, and, which is more, your Men of Sense, as they would be thought, should stoop so low as to make Invectives against the Women, forget themselves so much as to jest with their Slaves, who have neither Liberty, nor Ingenuity to make Reprizals; that they should waste their Time, and debase their good Sense, which fits them for the most weighty Affairs, such as are suitable to their profound Wisdom and exalted Understandings! 75to render those poor Wretches more ridiculous and odious who are already in their Opinion sufficiently contemptible, and find no better Exercise of their Wit and Satire, than such as are not worth their Pains, though it were possible to Reform them, this, this indeed may justly be wonder’d at!

I Know not whether or no Women are allow’d to have Souls; if they have, perhaps it is not prudent to provoke them too much, lest, silly as they are, they at last recriminate, and then what polite and well-bred Gentleman, though himself is concern’d, can forbear taking that lawful Pleasure, which all who understand Raillery must taste, when they find his Jests who insolently began to peck at his Neighbour, return’d with Interest upon his own Head? And indeed Men are too Humane, too Wise, to venture at it, did they not hope for this Effect, and expect the Pleasure of finding their Wit turn to such Account: For if it be lawful to pry into a Secret, 76this is, without doubt, the whole Design of those fine Discourses which have been made against the Women from our great Fore-Fathers to this present Time! Generous Man has too much Bravery, he is too Just and too Good to assault a defenceless Enemy, and if he did inveigh against the Women, it was only to do them Service! For since neither his Care of their Education, his hearty Endeavours to improve their Minds, his wholesome Precepts, nor great Example could do them good, as his last and kindest Essay, he resolv’d to try what Contempt would do, and chose rather to expose himself by a seeming Want of Justice, Equity, Ingenuity and Good-nature, than suffer Women to remain such vain and insignificant Creatures as they have hitherto been reckon’d; and truly, Women are some Degrees beneath what I have thus far thought them, if they do not make the best Use of his Kindness, improve themselves, and, like Christians, return it.

77Let us see then what is their Part, what must they do to make the Matrimonial Yoke tolerable to themselves as well as pleasing to their Lords and Masters? That the World is an empty and deceitful Thing, that those Enjoyments which appear’d so desirable at a Distance, which rais’d our Hopes and Expectations to such a mighty Pitch, which we so passionately coveted, and so eagerly pursued, vanish at our first Approach, leaving nothing behind them but the Folly of Delusion, and the Pain of disappointed Hopes, is a common Outcry; and yet, as common as it is, though we complain of being deceiv’d this Instant, we do not fail of contributing to the Cheat the very next. Though in reality it is not the World that abuses us, ’tis we abuse our selves; it is not the Emptiness of That, but our own false Judgments, our unreasonable Desires and Expectations that torment us; for he who exerts his whole Strength to lift a Straw, ought not to complain of the Burden, 78but of his own disproportionate Endeavour which gives him the Pain he feels. The World affords us all the Pleasure a sound Judgment can expect from it, and answers all those Ends and Purposes for which it was design’d; let us expect no more than is reasonable, and then we shall not fail of our Expectations.

It is even so in the Case before us; a Woman who has been taught to think Marriage her only Preferment, the Sum-Total of her Endeavours, the Completion of all her Hopes, that which must settle and make her Happy in this World, and very few, in their Youth especially, carry a Thought steadily to a greater Distance; She who has seen a Lover dying at her Feet, and can’t therefore imagine that he who professes to receive all his Happiness from her, can have any other Design or Desire than to please her; whose Eyes have been dazled with all the Glitter and Pomp of a Wedding, and, who hears of nothing but Joy and Congratulation; 79who is transported with the Pleasure of being out of Pupillage, and Mistress not only of her self, but of a Family too: She who is either so simple or so vain, as to take her Lover at his Word, either as to the Praises he gave her, or the Promises he made for himself; in sum, she whose Expectation has been rais’d by Courtship, by all the fine Things that her Lover, her Governess and Domestick Flatterers say, will find a terrible Disappointment when the Hurry is over, and when she comes calmly to consider her Condition, and views it no more under a false Appearance, but as it truly is.

I Doubt in such a View it will not appear over-desirable, if she regards only the present State of Things. Hereafter may make amends for what she must be prepar’d to suffer here, then will be her Reward, this is her Time of Trial, the Season of exercising and improving her Vertues. A Woman that is not Mistress of her Passions, that cannot 80patiently submit, even when Reason suffers with her, who does not practise Passive Obedience to the utmost, will never be acceptable to such an absolute Sovereign as a Husband. Wisdom ought to Govern without Contradiction, but Strength however will be obeyed. There are but few of those wise Persons who can be content to be made yet wiser by Contradiction; the most will have their Will, and it is right because it is theirs. Such is the Vanity of Human Nature, that nothing pleases like an intire Subjection; what Imperfections won’t a Man over-look where this is not wanting! Though we live like Brutes, we would have Incense offer’d us, that is only due to Heaven it self, would have an absolute and blind Obedience paid us by all over whom we pretend Authority. We were not made to Idolize one another, yet the whole Strain of Courtship is little less than rank Idolatry: But does a Man intend to give, and not to receive his Share in this Religious Worship? No such matter; Pride and Vanity, and 81Self-love have their Designs, and if the Lover is so condescending as to set a Pattern in the Time of his Addresses, he is so just as to expect his Wife should strictly Copy after it all the rest of her Life.

But how can a Woman scruple intire Subjection, how can she forbear to admire the Worth and Excellency of the Superior Sex, if she at all considers it! Have not all the great Actions that have been perform’d in the World been done by Men? Have not they founded Empires and overturn’d them? Do not they make Laws and continually repeal and amend them? Their vast Minds lay Kingdoms waste, no Bounds or Measures can be prescrib’d to their Desires. War and Peace depend on them; they form Cabals and have the Wisdom and Courage to get over all the Rubs, the petty Restraints which Honour and Conscience may lay in the Way of their desired Grandeur. What is it they cannot do? They make Worlds and ruin them, 82form Systems of universal Nature, and dispute eternally about them; their Pen gives Worth to the most trifling Controversy; nor can a Fray be inconsiderable if they have drawn their Swords in’t. All that the wise Man pronounces is an Oracle, and every Word the Witty speaks, a Jest. It is a Woman’s Happiness to hear, admire and praise them, especially if a little Ill-nature keeps them at any time from bellowing due Applauses on each other! And if she aspires no further, she is thought to be in her proper Sphere of Action; she is as wise and as good as can be expected from her!

She then who Marries, ought to lay it down for an indisputable Maxim, that her Husband must govern absolutely and intirely, and that she has nothing else to do but to Please and Obey. She must not attempt to divide his Authority, or so much as dispute it; to struggle with her Yoke will only make it gall the more, but must believe him Wise 83and Good, and in all respects the best, at least he must be so to her. She who can’t do this is no way fit to be a Wife, she may set up for that peculiar Coronet the antient Fathers talk’d of, but is not qualified to receive that great Reward which attends the eminent Exercise of Humility and Self-denial, Patience and Resignation, the Duties that a Wife is call’d to.

But some refractory Woman perhaps will say, how can this be? Is it possible for her to believe him Wise and Good, who by a thousand Demonstrations convinces her, and all the World, of the contrary? Did the bare Name of Husband confer Sense on a Man, and the meer being in Authority infallibly qualify him for Government, much might be done. But since a wise Man and a Husband are not Terms convertible, and how loth soever one is to own it, Matter of Fact won’t allow us to deny, that the Head many times stands in need of the Inferior’s Brains to manage it, she 84must beg leave to be excus’d from such high Thoughts of her Sovereign, and if she submits to his Power, it is not so much Reason as Necessity that compels her.

Now of how little Force soever this Objection may be in other respects, methinks it is strong enough to prove the Necessity of a good Education, and that Men never mistake their true Interest more than when they endeavour to keep Women in Ignorance. Could they indeed deprive them of their Natural good Sense at the same Time they deny them the true Improvement of it, they might compass their End; otherwise Natural Sense unassisted may run into a false Track, and serve only to punish him justly, who would not allow it to be useful to himself or others. If Man’s Authority be justly establish’d, the more Sense a Woman has, the more Reason she will find to submit to it; if according to the Tradition of our Fathers, (who having had Possession of the Pen, 85thought they had also the best Right to it) Womens Understanding is but small, and Man’s Partiality adds no Weight to the Observation, ought not the more Care to be taken to improve them? How it agrees with the Justice of Men we inquire not, but certainly Heaven is abundantly more Equitable than to injoin Women the hardest Task, and give them the least Strength to perform it. And if Men, learned, wise and discreet as they are, who have, as is said, all the Advantages of Nature, and without Controversy, have, or may have, all the Assistance of Art, are so far from acquitting themselves as they ought, from living according to that Reason and excellent Understanding they so much boast of, can it be expected that a Woman who is reckon’d silly enough in her self, at least comparatively, and whom Men take care to make yet more so; can it be expected that she should constantly perform so difficult a Duty as intire Subjection, to which corrupt Nature is so averse?

86If the great and wise Cato, a Man, a Man of no ordinary Firmness and Strength of Mind, a Man who was esteem’d as an Oracle, and by the Philosophers and great Men of his Nation equal’d even to the Gods themselves; If he, with all his Stoical Principles, was not able to bear the Sight of a triumphant Conqueror, (who perhaps would have insulted, and perhaps would not) but out of a Cowardly Fear of an Insult, ran to Death, to secure him from it; can it be thought that an ignorant weak Woman should have Patience to bear a continual Outrage and Insolence all the Days of her Life? Unless you will suppose her a very Ass, but then remember what the Italians say, to quote them once more, since being very Husbands they may be presum’d to have some Authority in this Case, An Ass, though slow, if provok’d, will kick.

We never observe, or perhaps make Sport, with the ill Effects of a bad Education, till it comes to touch us home in 87the ill Conduct of a Sister, a Daughter, or Wife. Then the Women must be blam’d, their Folly is exclaim’d against, when all this while it was the wise Man’s Fault, who did not set a better Guard on those, who, according to him, stand in so much need of one. A young Gentleman, as a celebrated Author tells us, ought above all Things to be acquainted with the State of the World, the Ways and Humours, the Follies, the Cheats, the Faults of the Age he is fallen into; he should by degrees be inform’d of the Vice in Fashion, and warn’d of the Application and Design of those who will make it their Business to corrupt him, should be told the Arts they use, and the Trains they lay, be prepar’d to be Shock’d by some, and Caress’d by others; warn’d who are like to oppose, who to mislead, who to undermine, and who to serve him. He should be instructed how to know and distinguish them, where he should let them see, and when dissemble the Knowledge of them and their Aims and Workings. Our 88Author is much in the right, and not to disparage any other Accomplishments which are useful in their Kind, this will turn to more Account than any Language or Philosophy, Art or Science, or any other Piece of Good-breeding and fine Education that can be taught him, which are no otherwise excellent than as they contribute to this, as this does above all Things to the making him a wise, a vertuous and useful Man.

And it is not less necessary that a young Lady should receive the like Instructions, whether or no her Temptations be fewer, her Reputation and Honour however are to be more nicely preserv’d; they may be ruin’d by a little Ignorance or Indiscretion, and then though she has kept her Innocence, and so is secur’d as to the next World, yet she is in a great measure lost to this. A Woman cannot be too watchful, too apprehensive of her Danger, nor keep at too great a Distance from it, since Man, whose Wisdom and Ingenuity is so much 89Superior to hers! condescends for his Interest sometimes, and sometimes by way of Diversion, to lay Snares for her. For though all Men are Virtuosi, Philosophers and Politicians, in comparison of the ignorant and illiterate Women, yet they don’t all pretend to be Saints, and ’tis no great Matter to them, if Women, who were born to be their Slaves, be now and then ruin’d for their Entertainment.

But according to the rate that young Women are Educated, according to the Way their Time is spent, they are destin’d to Folly and Impertinence, to say no worse, and, which is yet more inhuman, they are blam’d for that ill Conduct they are not suffer’d to avoid, and reproach’d for those Faults they are in a Manner forc’d into; so that if Heaven has bestowed any Sense on them, no other Use is made of it, than to leave them without Excuse. So much, and no more, of the World is shewn them, than serves to weaken and corrupt their 90Minds, to give them wrong Notions, and busy them in mean Pursuits; to disturb, not to regulate their Passions; to make them timorous and dependant, and, in a Word, fit for nothing else but to act a Farce for the Diversion of their Governors.

Even Men themselves improve no otherwise than according to the Aim they take, and the End they propose; and he whose Designs are but little and mean, will be the same himself. Tho’ Ambition, as ’tis usually understood, is a foolish, not to say a base and pitiful Vice, yet the Aspirings of the Soul after true Glory are so much its Nature, that it seems to have forgot it self, and to degenerate, if it can forbear; and perhaps the great Secret of Education lies in affecting the Soul with a lively Sense of what is truly its Perfection, and exciting the most ardent Desires after it.

But, alas! what poor Woman is ever taught that she should have a higher Design 91than to get her a Husband? Heaven will fall in of course; and if she makes but an Obedient and Dutiful Wife, she cannot miss of it. A Husband indeed is thought by both Sexes so very valuable, that scarce a Man who can keep himself clean and make a Bow, but thinks he is good enough to pretend to any Woman; no matter for the Difference of Birth or Fortune, a Husband is such a Wonder-working Name as to make an Equality, or something more, whenever it is obtain’d.

And indeed, were there no other Proof of Masculine Wisdom, and what a much greater Portion of Ingenuity falls to the Men than to the Women’s Share, the Address, the Artifice, and Management of an humble Servant were a sufficient Demonstration. What good Conduct does he shew! what Patience exercise! what Subtilty leave untry’d! what Concealment of his Faults! what Parade of his Vertues! what Government of his Passions! How deep is his Policy in laying 92his Designs at so great a Distance, and working them up by such little Accidents! How indefatigable is his Industry, and how constant his Watchfulness not to slip any Opportunity that may in the least contribute to his Design! What a handsome Set of Disguises and Pretences is he always furnish’d with! How conceal’d does he lie! how little pretend, till he is sure that his Plot will take! And at the same Time that he nourishes the Hope of being Lord and Master, appears with all the Modesty and Submission of an humble and unpretending Admirer!

Can a Woman then be too much upon her Guard? Can her Prudence and Foresight, her early Caution, be reckon’d unnecessary Suspicion, or ill-bred Reserve by any but those whose Designs they prevent, and whose Interest it is to declaim against them? It being a certain Maxim with the Men, though Policy or good Breeding won’t allow them to avow it always, that the Women were 93made for their Sakes and Service, and are in all respects their Inferiors, especially in Understanding; so that all the Compliments they make, all the Address and Complaisance they use, all the Kindness they profess, all the Service they pretend to pay, has no other Meaning, no other End, than to get the poor Woman into their Power, to govern her according to their Discretion. This is all pure Kindness indeed, and therefore no Woman has Reason to be offended with it; for, considering how much she is expos’d in her own, and how safe in their Keeping, ’tis the wisest Thing she can do to put her self under Protection! And then if they have a tolerable Opinion of her Sense, and not their Vanity, but some better Principle disposes them to do something out of the Way, and to appear more generous than the rest of their Sex, they’ll condescend to dictate to her, and impart some of their Prerogative, Books and Learning. ’Tis fit indeed, that she should intirely depend on their Choice, and walk with the 94Crutches they are pleas’d to lend her; and if she is furnished out with some Notions to set her a prating, I should have said, to make her entertaining, and the Fiddle of the Company, her Tutor’s Time was not ill bestowed: And it were a diverting Scene to see her stript, like the Jay, of her borrowed Feathers, but he, good Man, has not ill Nature enough to take Pleasure in it! You may accuse him, perhaps, for giving so much Encouragement to a Woman’s Vanity, but your Accusation is groundless, Vanity being a Disease the Sex will always be guilty of; nor is it a Reproach to them, since Men of Learning and Sense are over-run with it.