Front matter (continued 2)

"Very true," said Mrs. Birnie to me in an aside. "You see, sir, he speaks sense—whiles."

"Everything has gone against me this day," he went on; "but," said he, "I'll get out of this if my beard never comes off. Hand me my Wellington boots, Mrs. Birnie; I hope you have not swallowed them, too!"

The moment Ronaldson began to draw on his boots, affairs changed as if by magic. "There," cried he triumphantly—"There is that confounded paper of yours which has made all this row! See, Mrs. Birnie," he exclaimed, flourishing my census paper in his hand; "I've found my senses!"

"Oh," cried the much affected widow, "I am glad to hear it," and in her ecstatic joy she rushed upon the old soldier, took his head to her bosom, and wept for joy. I seized the opportunity to beat a hasty retreat, and left the pair to congratulate each other upon the happy finding of Old Ronaldson's senses.

It's a Gran' Nicht

The following is a fine comic sketch of an interview between a Scotch peasant lover and "Kirsty," his sweetheart, who was only waiting for him to speak. It is in fine contrast with the confident, rushing away in which that sort of thing is done in other countries.

The young lover stands by the cottage gable in the fading light, declaring, "It's a gran' nicht!" Ever so often he says it, yet he feels its grandeur not at all, for the presence of something grander or better, I suppose—the maiden, Kirsty Grant. Does he whisper soft somethings of her betterness, I wonder, while thus he lingers? His only communication is the important fact, "It's a gran' nicht." He would linger, blessed in her presence, but the closing day warns him to be gone. It will be midnight before he can reach his village home miles away. Yet was it sweet to linger. "It's a very gran' nicht, but I maun haist awa'. Mither 'ill be wunnerin'," said he.

"'Deed, ye'll hae tae draw yer feet gey fast tae win hame afore the Sabbath; sae e'en be steppin'," she answered, cooly.

"It's gran'!" said he; "I wish ilka Saiturday nicht was lik' this ane."

"Wi' ye, Saiturday nicht shud maist be lik' Sunday morn, if ye bevil it richt," said she, with a toss of her head, for she rightly guessed that somehow the lad's pleasure was referable to herself. "I maun shut up the coo."

"Good-nicht!" said he.

"Good-nicht!" said she, disappearing.

He stepped away in the muirland, making for home. "Isn't she smairt?" said he to himself; "man, isn't she smairt? Said she, 'Saiturday nicht shud aye be wi' ye lik' Sunday morn, if ye beviled it richt!' Was it na a hint for me? Man, I wish I daur spaik oot to her!"

A Highlander on Bagpipes

Mr. Barclay, an eminent Scotch artist, was engaged in painting a Highland scene for Lord Breadalbane, in which his lordship's handsome piper was introduced. When the artist was instructing him as to attitude, and that he must maintain an appearance at once of animation and ease by keeping up a conversation, the latter replied that he would do his best, and commenced as follows:

"Maister Parclay, ye read yer Bible at times, I suppone (suppose), sir?"

"Oh, yes."

"Weel, Maister Parclay, if ye do tat, sir, ten you've read te third and fifth verses of te third chapter of Daniel, when te princes, te governors, te captains, te judges, te treasurers, te counsellors, te sheriffs and all te rulers of te provinces were gathered together into te dedication of te image tat Nebuchadnezzar, te king, had set up, and tey were told tat whenever tey began to hear te sound of te cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, dulcimer, and all kinds of music, tey were to fall down and worship te golden image that Nebuchadnezzar, te king, had set up. I tell ye, Maister Parclay, if tey had a Hielandman, wi' his pipes tere, tat nonsense would not hae happened. Na, na, he would hae sent tem a' fleeing. It would hae been wi' tem as Bobby Burns said, 'Skirl up to Bangor, for ye maun a' come back to te bagpipe at last.'"

Walloping Judas

The late Dr. Adamson, of Cupar-Fife, colleague to Dr. Campbell, father to the lord chancellor of that name, at a late Saturday night supper was about to depart, alleging that he must prepare for the Sunday service. For two previous Sundays he had been holding forth on Judas Iscariot, and a member of his congregation, who sat at the table detained him with: "Sit down, doctor, sit down; there's nae need for ye to gang awa'; just gie Judas another wallop in the tow."

"'Alice' Brown, the Jaud!"

An old offender was, some years ago, brought up before a well-known Glasgow magistrate. The constable, as a preliminary, informed his bailieship that he had in custody John Anderson, alias Brown, alias Smith. "Very weel," said the magistrate, with an air of dignity, "I'll try the women first. Bring in Alice Brown! what has she been about, the jaud?"

Earning His Dismissal

Dean Ramsay tells an amusing story of the cool self-sufficiency of the young Scottish domestic—a boy who, in a very quiet, determined way, made his exit from a house into which he had lately been introduced. He had been told that he should be dismissed if he broke any of the china that was under his charge.

On the morning of a great dinner party he was entrusted (rather rashly) with a great load of plates, which he was to carry upstairs from the kitchen to the dining-room, and which were piled up and rested upon his two hands.

In going upstairs his foot slipped, and the plates were broken to atoms. He at once went up to the drawing-room, put his head in at the door, and shouted, "The plates are a' smashed, and I'm awa'!" [7]

Paris and Peebles Contrasted

In the memoir of Robert Chambers, by his brother William, allusion is made to the exceedingly quiet town of Peebles, their birthplace, and the strong local attachments of the Scottish people. An honest old burgher of the town was enabled by some strange chance to visit Paris, and was eagerly questioned, when he came back, as to the character of that capital of capitals; to which he answered that, "Paris, a' things considered, was a wonderful place; but still, Peebles for pleasure!"

Short Measure

An old woman who had made a great deal of money by selling whiskey was visited when on her death-bed by her minister, to whom she spake, as is usual on such occasions, about her temporal as well as her spiritual affairs. As to her temporalities, they seemed to be in a very flourishing condition, for she was dying worth a very large sum of money.

"And so, Molly," said the minister, "you tell me you are worth so much money?"

"Indeed, minister," replied Molly, "I am."

"And you tell me, too," continued the minister, "that you made all that money by filling the noggin?"

"Na, na, minister," said the dying woman; "I didna tell you that. I made the maist of it by not filling the noggin."

Two Views of a Divine Call

Of Scotland's great preacher, the late Rev. Dr. Macleod, the following is told: In visiting his Dalkeith parishioners to say farewell, he called on one of those sharp-tongued old ladies whose privileged gibes have added so much to the treasury of Scottish humor.

To her he expressed his regret at leaving his friends at Dalkeith, but stated that he considered his invitation to Glasgow in the light of "a call from the Lord."

"Ay, ay," was the sharp response; "but if the Lord hadna called you to a better steepend, it might hae been lang gin ye had heard Him!"

A Scotch View of Shakespeare

A Scotchman was asserting that some of the most celebrated poets and brightest intellects the world ever produced were descendants of his race, and quoted Scott, Burns, and others as evidence.

An Englishman who was present retorted: "I suppose that you will claim next that even Shakespeare was a Scotchman."

"Weel," he replied, "I'm nae so sure o' that; but ane thing I do ken—he had intellect eneuch for a Scotchman."

"As Guid Deid as Leevin!"

There was a mixture of shrewdness and simplicity in the following: Shortly after the establishment of the Ministers' Widows' Fund, the minister of Cranshaws asked in marriage the daughter of a small farmer in the neighborhood.

The damsel asked her father whether she should accept the clergyman's offer. "Oh," said the sire, "tak' him, Jenny; he's as gude deid as leevin." The farmer meant that his daughter would, owing to the new fund, be equally well off a widow as a wife.

The Mercy of Providence

An old minister was once visiting his hearers, and accosted a humble farmer who had been lazy with his crops in the wet season. "I hear, Jamie," said the minister, "that ye are behind with your harvest."

"Oh, sir," was the reply, "I hae got it all in except three wee stacks, and I leave them to the mercy of Providence."

A Scotch Curtain Lecture on Profit and Pain

The man who said this was not an atheist, but simply a druggist—a Scotch druggist—who was aroused by the ringing of his night-bell. He arose, went downstairs, and served a customer with a dose of salts.

His wife grumbled: "What profit do you get out of that penny?"

"A ha'penny," was the reply.

"And for that ha'penny you'll be awake a long time," rejoined the wife.

"A-weel," replied the placid druggist, "the dose of salts will keep him awake much longer; let us thank Heaven that we have the profit and not the pain of the transaction."

A Definition of "Fou"

A gentleman recently gave an entertainment in London on the peculiarities of Scotchmen, in the course of which he gave this definition of the national word fou: "Being gently excited by the moderate use of dangerous beverages."

The Journeyman Dog

A gentleman, staying in the family of a sheep-farmer, remarked that daily as the family sat down to dinner a shepherd's dog came in, received its portion, and soon after disappeared.

"I never see that dog except at dinner," said the visitor.

"The reason is," said the farmer, "we've lent him to oor neibor, Jamie Nicol, and we telt him to come hame ilka day to his dinner. When he gets his dinner, puir beast, he gaes awa' back till his wark."

Church Economy

A congregation was once looking out for a minister, and after hearing a host of candidates with more or less popular gifts, their choice fell upon a sticket probationer, whose election caused great surprise in the country.

One of the hearers was afterward asked by an eminent minister how the congregation could have brought themselves to select such a minister.

His reply was quite characteristic: "Weel, we had twa or three reasons—first, naebody recommended him; then he was nae studier, and besides, he had money in the bank."

It appeared that of the two former ministers, who had not come up to expectation, one of them had brought flaming testimonials, and the other had buried himself among his books, so that the people never saw him but in the pulpit, while the third reason was, perhaps the most cogent of all, for the people did not care to burden themselves with a too generous support of their pastor.

In another case the minister usurped the functions of session and committee, and ignored the office bearers altogether. One of the elders observed to another one Sunday morning, as the minister was trotting up to the meeting-house on his smart little pony, "It's a fine wee powny the minister rides."

"Ay," said the other, "it's a gey strange ane; it can carry minister, session, and committee without turnin' a hair."

Tired of Standing

A Paisley man, visiting Glasgow, much admired the statue of Sir John Moore, which is an erect figure. Soon afterwards he brought another Paisley man to see the statue, but not being topographically posted, he stared at the statue of James Watt, which is in a sitting attitude. Feeling somewhat puzzled as to the identity of what was before him with what he recollected to have seen, he disposed of the difficulty by exclaiming: "Odds, man, he's sat down since I last saw him!"

Religious Loneliness

"How is your church getting on?" asked a friend of a religious Scotchman, who had separated in turn from the Kirk, the Free Church, the United Presbyterian, and several lesser bodies.

"Pretty weel, pretty weel. There's naebody belongs to it now but my brither and mysel', and I am sure o' Sandy's soundness."

Prison Piety

Every place has its advantages, even the lock-up. A Scotch "gentleman," who had been guilty of some irregularity that demanded his compulsory withdrawal from polite society for sixty days, was asked, after his release, as to how he "got on."

"Weel," replied he, "ye see, a body canna hae everything in this life; and I'm no gaun to misca' the place, no' me. For a' the time I was there—just twa months, note, by-the-by—I was weel proteckit frae the wiles o' a wickit worl' outside, while my 'bread was aye gi'en me and my water sure.'"

A Successful Tradesman

One day, during a snow storm, the Rev. George More was riding from Aberdeen to a village in the vicinity of the town. He was enveloped in a Spanish cloak, and had a shawl tied round his neck and shoulders. These loose garments, covered with snow, and waving in the blast, startled the horse of a "bag-man," who chanced to ride past. The alarmed steed plunged, and very nearly threw its rider, who exclaimed:

"Why, sir, you would frighten the very devil!"

"I am glad to hear that," said Mr. More, "for it's just my trade."

Multum in Parvo

A Highland porter, observing a stranger looking intently on the Rev. Dr. Candlish, who was of small stature, said, "Ay, tak' a gude look—there's no muckle o' him, but there's a deal in him!"

When Asses May Not Be Parsons

In the pulpit one-half of Dr. Guthrie's rich nature was necessarily restrained. He could be pathetic there, but not humorous; though we did once hear him begin a sermon by saying that God on one occasion used an ass to preach to a sinner, but that He was not in the way of using asses when He could get better instruments!

A Scotch Version of the Lives of Esau and Jacob

Within the grounds of Hamilton Palace, in the west of Scotland, is a mausoleum. The walls are ornamented with bas-reliefs forming Bible illustrations. These have been paraphrased in verse by a local bard. One of the series is a history of Jacob, and from it the following extracts are taken. The brothers are thus introduced:

Rebekah instructs Jacob in the proposed deception of Isaac, but he is fearful of discovery. The former replies:

Jacob obeys:

Isaac is suspicious of Jacob:

"Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady"

An anecdote is told of Professor Haldane, of St. Andrews, one of the most estimable of men, yet, in spite of a pleasing person, a genial manner, a good house and a handsome competency, he was well-advanced in life before he could make up his mind to marry. When it was reported that he had fitted up his house afresh, it was supposed that he was going to change his state. On a given day, at an hour unusually early for a call, the good doctor was seen at the house of a lady for whom he had long been supposed to have a predilection, and betraying much excitement of manner till the door was opened.

As soon as he was shown in, and saw the fair one whom he sought calmly engaged in knitting stockings, and not at all disturbed by his entrance, his courage, like that of Bob Acres, began to ooze out, and he sat himself down on the edge of the chair in such a state of pitiable confusion as to elicit the compassion of the lady in question. She could not understand what ailed him, but felt instinctively that the truest good breeding would be to take no notice of his embarrassment, and lead the conversation herself.

Thus, then, she opened fire: "Weel, doctor, hae ye got through a' your papering and painting yet?" (A clearing of the throat preparatory to speech, but not a sound uttered.) "I'm told your new carpets are just beautifu'." (A further effort to clear the throat.) "They say the pattern o' the dining-room chairs is something quite out o' the way. In short, that everything aboot the house is perfect."

Here was a providential opening he was not such a goose as to overlook. He screwed up his courage, advanced his chair, sidled toward her, simpering the while, raised his eyes furtively to her face, and said, with a gentle inflection of his voice which no ear but a wilfully deaf one could have misinterpreted: "Na, na, Miss J——n, it's no' quite perfect; it canna be quite that so lang as there's ae thing wanting!"

"And what can that be?" said the imperturbable spinster.

Utterly discomfited by her wilful blindness to his meaning, the poor man beat a hasty retreat, drew back his chair from its dangerous proximity, caught up his hat, and, in tones of blighted hope, gasped forth his declaration in these words; "Eh, dear! Well 'am sure! The thing wanted is a—a—a sideboord!"

"Surely the Net is Spread in Vain in the Sight of any Bird"

A Highland Outburst of Gratitude and an Inburst of Hurricane

"Ah, my friends, what causes have we for gratitude—oh, yes;—for the deepest gratitude! Look at the place of our habitation. How grateful should we be that we do not leeve in the far north—oh, no!—amidst the frost and snaw, and the cauld and the weet—oh, no!—where there's a long day tae half o' the year—oh, yes!—and a lang nicht the tither—oh, yes!—that we do not depend upon the aurawry boreawlis—oh, no!—that we do net gang shivering aboot in skins—oh, no!—smoking amang the snow like modiwarts—oh, no! no!—And how grateful should we be that we do not leeve in the far south, beneath the equawtor, and a sun aye burnin', burnin'; where the sky's het—ah, yes!—and yearth's het, and the water's het, and ye're brunt black as a smiddy—ah, yes!—where there's teegars—oh, yes!—and lions—oh, yes!—and crocodiles—oh, yes!—and fearsome beasts growlin' and girnin' at ye amang the woods; where the very air is a fever, like the burnin' breath o' a fiery drawgon; that we do not leeve in these places—oh, no! no! no! no!—but that we leeve in this blessit island of oors callit Great Britain—oh, yes! yes! and in that pairt of it named Scotland, and in that bit o' auld Scotland that looks up at Ben Nevis—oh, yes! yes! yes!—where there's neither frost, nor cauld, nor wund, nor weet, nor hail, nor rain, nor teegars, nor lions, nor burnin' suns, nor hurricanes, nor——"

Here a tremendous blast of wind and rain from Ben Nevis blew in the windows of the kirk, and brought the preacher's eloquence to an abrupt conclusion.

A Different Thing Entirely

While surveying the west coast of Scotland, Captain Robinson had received on board his ship the Grand Duke Constantine. As the duke could only remain a very short time, the captain resolved to show him as much as possible during his brief stay. Accordingly he steamed to Iona on a Sunday, believing that day especially suited for pointing out to his royal visitor remains associated with religion. Landing on the island he waited on the custodian of the ancient church with the request that he would open it.

"Not so," said the keeper; "not on Sunday."

"Do you know whom I have brought to the island?" said the captain.

"He's the Emperor o' a' the Russias, I ken by the flag," responded the keeper; "but had it been the Queen hersel' I wadna' gi'e up the keys on the Lord's day."

"Would you take a glass of whiskey on the Sabbath?" inquired the captain.

"That's a different thing entirely," said the keeper.

Canny Dogs

The following is given by a Scotchman by way of illustrating the kindly consideration evinced by the Scottish peasantry towards the domestic animals—especially the shepherds to their dogs—which consequently become their attached companions. A minister calling to visit one of his flock found before the fireplace three dogs apparently asleep. At the sound of a whistle two rose up and walked out; the third remained still.

"It is odd," said the minister, "that this dog does not get up like the others."

"It's no astonishing ava," said the shepherd, "for it's no' his turn; he was oot i' the mornin'."

A Compliment by Return

The minister's man at Lintrathen, though sufficiently respectful, seldom indulges in the complimentary vein. On one occasion he handsomely acknowledged a compliment by returning another. The minister had got married, and was presented with a carriage, for which John was appointed to provide a horse. Driving out with his wife, the minister said to John in starting, "You've got us a capital horse."

"Weel, sir," said John, "it's just aboot as difficult as to choose a gude minister's wife, and we've been lucky wi' baith."

Curious Sentence

Lord Eskgrove is described by Lord Cockburn, in his "Memorials" as a most eccentric personage.

Cockburn heard him sentence a tailor for murdering a soldier, in these words: "And not only did you murder him, thereby he was berea-ved of his life, but you did thrust, or pierce, or push, or project, or propel the li-thall weapon through the belly band of his regimental breeches, which were his majesty's."

Advice to an M.P.

When Sir George Sinclair was chosen member of Parliament for his native county, a man came up to him and said: "Noo, Maister George, I'll gie ye some advice. They've made ye a Parliament man, and my advice to ye is, be ye aye tak-takin' what ye can get, and aye seek-seekin' until ye get mair."

Stretching It

Concerning the long-bow, no American effort can surpass one that comes to us from Scotland: It was told that Colonel M'Dowall, when he returned from the war, was one day walking along by The Nyroch, when he came on an old man sitting greetin' on a muckle stone at the roadside. When he came up, the old man rose and took off his bonnet, and said:

"Ye're welcome hame again, laird."

"Thank you," said the colonel; adding, after a pause, "I should surely know your face. Aren't you Nathan M'Culloch?"

"Ye're richt, 'deed," said Nathan, "it's just me, laird."

"You must be a good age, now, Nathan," says the colonel.

"I'm no verra aul' yet, laird," was the reply; "I'm just turnt a hunner."

"A hundred!" says the colonel, musing; "well, you must be all that. But the idea of a man of a hundred sitting blubbering that way! Whatever could you get to cry about?"

"It was my father lashed me, sir," said Nathan, blubbering again; "an' he put me oot, so he did."

"Your father!" said the colonel; "is your father alive yet?"

"Leevin! ay," replied Nathan; "I ken that the day tae my sorrow."

"Where is he?" says the colonel. "What an age he must be! I would like to see him."

"Oh, he's up in the barn there," says Nathan; "an no' in a horrid gude humor the noo, aither."

They went up to the barn together, and found the father busy threshing the barley with the big flail, and tearing on fearful. Seeing Nathan and the laird coming in, he stopped and saluted the colonel, who, after inquiring how he was, asked him why he had struck Nathan.

"The young rascal!" says the father, "there's nae dooin' wi' him; he's never oot o' mischief. I had to lick him this mornin' for throwin' stanes at his grandfather!"

Driving the Deevil Out

A Scotch minister, named Downes, settled in a rural district in the north of Ireland, where the people are more Scotch in language and manners than in the land o' cakes itself. One evening he and a brother divine set out together to take part in some religious service.

Meeting one of his parishioners on the way, the latter quaintly observed, "Weel, Mr. Downes, you clergymen 'ill drive the deevil oot o' the country the nicht!"

"Yes," replied the minister, "we will. I see you are making your escape."

Tommy did not use the deevil's name in his pastor's presence again.

Mental Aberration

In Lanarkshire, Scotland, there lived, about fifty years ago, a poor crazy man, by name Will Shooler. Will was a regular attendant of the parish church in the town, on the ceiling of which there was, for ornament, a dove with outstretched wings. One Sabbath day, Will grew rather tired of the sermon, and throwing his arms and head back, he saw the dove, and exclaimed, "O Lord! what a big hen!"

Sunday Shaving and Milking

On first going to Ross-shire to visit and preach for my friend Mr. Carment, I asked him on the Saturday evening before retiring to rest whether I would get warm water in the morning. Whereupon he held up a warning hand, saying: "Whist, whist!"

On my looking and expressing astonishment, he said, with a twinkle in his eye, "Speak of shaving on the Lord's day in Ross-shire, and you never need preach here more!"

In that same county Sir Kenneth Mackenzie directed my attention to a servant-girl, who, if not less scrupulous, was more logical in her practice. She astonished her master, one of Sir Kenneth's tenants, by refusing to feed the cows on the Sabbath. She was ready to milk, but by no means feed them—and her defence shows that though a fanatic, she was not a fool.

"The cows," she said—drawing a nice metaphysical distinction between what are not and what are works of necessity and mercy that would have done honor to a casuist—"the cows canna milk themselves; so to milk them is clear work of necessity and mercy; but let them out to the fields, and they'll feed themselves." Here certainly was scrupulosity; but the error was one that leaned to the right side. [15]

A Typical Quarrel

The story of the happy young couple who quarreled on the first day of their housekeeping life about the "rat" or the "mouse" which ran out of the fireplace, it seems, had its origin "long time ago" in the incident thus done into rhyme. The last verse explains the mysterious mistake:

A Ready Student

Dr. Richie, of Edinburgh, though a very clever man, once met his match. When examining a student as to the classes he attended, he said: "I understand you attend the class for mathematics?"

"Yes."

"How many sides has a circle?"

"Two," said the student.

"Indeed! What are they?"

"An inside and an outside."

A laugh among the students followed this answer.

The doctor next inquired: "And you attend the moral philosophy class, also?"

"Yes."

"Well, you doubtless heard lectures on various subjects. Did you ever hear one on 'Cause and Effect?'"

"Yes."

"Does an effect ever go before a cause?"

"Yes."

"Give me an instance."

"A barrow wheeled by a man."

The doctor hastily sat down and proposed no more questions.

Appearing "in Three Pieces"

Wilson, the celebrated vocalist, was upset one day in his carriage near Edinburgh. A Scotch paper, after recording the accident, said: "We are happy to state he was able to appear the following evening in three pieces."

"Every Man to His Own Trade"

A worthy old Scotch minister, who didn't object to put his hand to a bit of work when occasion required it, was one day forking sheaves in the stackyard to his man John, who was "biggin'." One of the wheels of the cart on which the minister was standing happened to be resting on a sheaf, and when the cart was empty his reverence said: "That's them a' noo, John, excep' ane 'at's aneath the wheel, an' ye'll hae to come an' gie's a lift up wi' the wheel ere I get it oot." "Oh," said John, "just drive forrit the cart a bit." "Very true, very true," rejoined the minister; "every man to his own trade."

From Different Points of View

The following anecdote is related of Sir James Mackintosh, the Scotch philosopher and historian, and the celebrated Dr. Parr: Sir James had invited the reverend doctor to take a drive in his gig. The horse became very restive and unmanageable. "Gently, gently, Jemmy," said the doctor, "pray don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, whatever you do, Jemmy! You'll do better without me, I am certain; so let me down, Jemmy—let me down." Once on terra firma, the doctor's views of the case were changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up," said he. "Never let a horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him. And now I'll leave you to manage him—I'll walk back."

Speaking from "Notes"

A porter at a Scotch railway station, who had grown grey in the service, was one day superintending matters on the platform, when the parish minister stepped up to him and asked when the next train arrived from the south. The aged official took off his cap and carefully read the hour and the minute of the train from a document stuck in the crown.

Somewhat surprised at this, the minister said: "Dear me, John, is your memory failing, or what is up with you? You used to have all these matters entirely by heart."

"Weel, sir," said John, "I dunna ken if my memory's failin', or fat's up; but the fac' is I'm growin' like yersel'—I cunna manage without the paper."

"Consecrated" Ground

The Police Commissioners of Broughton Ferry, near Dundee, some time since compelled house proprietors to lay down concrete on the footpath in front of their properties. An old lady, residing in a cottage, proudly told a friend the other day that the front of her house had been "consecrated up to the vera doorstep."

Unanswerable

When a Scotchman answers a question, he settles the matter in dispute once for all. On a certain occasion the question was asked: "Why was Mary Queen of Scots born at Linlithgow?" Sandy Kerr promptly answered: "Because her mither was staying there, sir;" and there actually seemed to be nothing more to say on the subject.

Practical Thrift

An admirable humorous reply, says Dean Ramsay, is recorded by a Scotch officer, well known and esteemed in his day for mirth and humor. Captain Innes, of the Guards (usually called Jack Innes by his contemporaries), was, with others, getting ready for Flushing or some of those expeditions of the great war. His commanding officer, Lord Huntly, remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new one. "Na, na, bide a wee," said Jack. "Where we're gain', faith, there'll soon be mair hats nor heads." [7]

Fool Finding

A Scotch student, supposed to be deficient in judgment, was asked by a professor, in the course of his examination, how he would discover a fool? "By the questions he would ask," was the prompt and highly suggestive reply.

Robbing on Credit

A Scotch parson said recently, somewhat sarcastically, of a toper, that he put an enemy into his mouth to steal away his brains, but that the enemy, after a thorough search, returned without anything.

Going to the Doctor's and "Taking" Something

A Scotch lad was on one occasion accused of stealing some articles from a doctor's shop. The judge was much struck with his respectable appearance, and asked him why he was guilty of such a contemptible act.

"Weel, ye see," replied the prisoner, "I had a bit of pain in my side, and my mither tauld me tae gang tae the doctor's and tak' something."

"Oh, yes," said the judge, "but surely she didn't tell you to go and take an eight-day clock!"

The prisoner was evidently nonplused, but it was only for a moment. Turning to the judge, a bright smile of humor stealing over his countenance, he replied quietly:

"There's an auld proverb that says, 'Time an' the doctur cure a' diseases,' an' sae I thocht"—but the remainder was lost in the laughter of the court.

A Case in Which Comparisons Were Odious

The late Rev. Dr. John Hunter, the much-loved minister of the Tron Parish, Edinburgh, had a call one morning from one of his many poor parishioners, who said he had come to ask a favor. On the worthy minister's requesting him to specify its nature, he replied, "Weel, sir, it's to marry me."

"Very good, John," the minister said; "let me know the place, day and hour, and I shall be at your service."

"But, sir," the bridegroom answered, "it's the noo!" (The bride was waiting outside.)

"Filthy and untidy as you are! No, no; go home and wash, and dress yourself, and then I shall be prepared to perform the ceremony."

"Bless ye, sir, ye should see her!" was the response of the applicant.

Pulpit Aids

Young Minister: "I don't think I need put on the gown, John; it's only an encumbrance."

Beadle: "Ay, sir; it makes ye mair impressive—an' ye need it a', sir, ye need it a'."

Choosing a Minister

The parish kirk of Driechtor had been rather unfortunate in its ministers, two of them having gone off in a decline within a twelvemonth of their appointment, and now, after hearing a number of candidates for the vacancy, the members were looking forward with keen interest to the meeting at which the election takes place.

"Weel, Marget," asked one female parishioner of another, as they foregathered on the road one day, "wha are you gaun to vote for?"

"I'm just thinkin' I'll vote for nane o' them. I'm no muckle o' a judge, an' it'll be the safest plan," was Marget's sagacious reply.

"Toots, woman, if that's the way o't, vote wi' me."

"An' hoo are you gaun to vote?"

"I'm gaun to vote for the soundest lungs, an'll no bother us deein' again in a hurry."

Prince Albert and the Ship's Cook

During the earlier visits of the royal family to Balmoral, Prince Albert, dressed in a very simple manner, was crossing one of the Scotch lakes in a steamer, and was curious to note everything relating to the management of the vessel, and among other things, the cooking. Approaching the galley, where a brawny Highlander was attending the culinary matters, he was attracted by the savory odors of a compound known by Scotchmen as "hodge-podge," which the Highlander was preparing.

"What is that?" asked the prince, who was not known to the cook.

"Hodge-podge, sir," was the reply.

"How is it made?" was the next question.

"Why, there's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't, and carrots intil't and——

"Yes, yes," said the prince, who had not learned that "intil't" meant "into it;" "but what is intil't?"

"Why, there's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't, and carrots intil't and——"

"Yes, I see, but what is intil't?"

The man looked at him, and seeing the prince was serious, he replied: "There's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't and——"

"Yes, certainly, I know," urged the inquirer; "but what is intil't—intil't?"

"Ye daft gowk," yelled the Highlander, brandishing a large spoon, "am I no' telling ye what's intil't! There's mutton intil't and——"

Here the interview was brought to a close by one of the prince's suite, who was fortunately passing, and stepped in to save his royal highness from being rapped over the head with the big spoon while in search of information from the cook.

"To Memory 'Dear'"

"Jeems," said the laird one day to his gardener, "there was something I was going to ask you, but man, for the life o' me I canna mind what it was." "Mebbe," said Jeems, who had received no pay for three weeks, "mebbe," said he, "it was to spier at me fat wey I was keepin' body and soul thegither on the wages I wasna gettin'."

Good "for Nothing"—not the Goodness Worth Having

It was a wet day and Jamie Stoddart could not go out to play; Mrs. Stoddart, who had just cleared away the breakfast things, and was about to commence a big heap of ironing, noticed sighs of incipient restlessness in the laddie, and said; "Now, I hope you'll be a good boy the day, Jamie; I've an awfu' lot o' work to dae, an' I can't have you bothering me." "Wull ye gie me a penny if I'm awfu' guid a' day lang?" asked her son. "Mebbe I will," was the reply; "but would it no' be better to be a guid laddie just to please me?" "I'm no' sae shuir o' that," answered the laddie, reflectively. "Ma teacher at the schule says it aye better to be good even for a little, than to be guid for naething." He got that penny.

"The Weaker Vessel"

The minister of a parish in Scotland was called in some time ago to effect a reconciliation between a fisherman of a certain village and his wife. After using all the arguments in his power to convince the offending husband that it was unmanly in him, to say the least of it, to strike Polly with his fist, the minister concluded: "David, you know that the wife is the weaker vessel, and you should have pity on her."

"Weel, then," said David, sulkily, "if she's the weaker vessel she should carry the less sail."

Minding His Business

An Englishman traveling in the north of Scotland, came up to a macadamizer of the roads, and while he was busy breaking the road metal, asked him if the direction in which he was going was the way to Aberdeen. The laborer, glad to rest himself a little, dropped his hammer, and said quietly to the stranger, "Now, where cam' ye from?" The traveler, nettled at not receiving a direct answer, asked him, "What business have you with where I came from?" The macadamizer, taking up his hammer and beginning to resume his occupation, said, "Oh, just as little business as where you are gauin to!"

"Married!"—Not "Living"

"Weel, Girzie, how are ye leevin'?" said one. "Me! I'm no leevin' at a'. I'm mairret!"

A Powerful Preacher

Shortly after a Congregational chapel had been planted in the small burgh of Bonnytown, an incident occurred which showed that the powers of its minister were appreciated in certain quarters. A boy, named Johnny Fordyce, had been indiscreet enough to put a sixpence in his mouth and accidently swallowed it. Mrs. Fordyce, concerned both for her boy and the sixpence, tried every means for its recovery, consulted her neighbors, and finally in despair called in a doctor, but without result. As a last resort, a woman present suggested that they should send for the Congregationalist "meenister." "The meenister," chorused mother and neighbors. "Ay, the meenister," rejoined the old dame; "od's, if there's ony money in him he'll sune draw it oot o' 'm!"

Lost Dogs

"What dogs are these, Jasper?" inquired a gentleman of a lad, who was dragging a couple of waspish-looking terriers along a street in Edinburgh. "I dinna ken, sir," replied the urchin; "they came wi' the railway, and they ate the direction, and dinna ken whar to gang."

Stratagem of a Scotch Pedlar

Early in the nineteenth century, Sandy Frazer, a native of the northern part of this island—who by vending of linen, which he carried around the country on his back, had acquired the sum of one hundred pieces of gold—resolving to extend his business by the addition of other wares, set out for London, in order to purchase them at the best advantage. When he had arrived within a few miles of the end of his journey, he was obliged to take shelter in a house of entertainment—which stood in a lonely part of the road—from a violent storm of wind and rain. He had not been there long, before he was joined by two horsemen of genteel appearance, who stopped on the same account. As he was in possession of the fire-side, they were under necessity of joining company with him, in order to dry themselves; which otherwise the meanness of his appearance would probably have prevented their doing.

The new companions had not sat long, before the cheerfulness of his temper, and something uncommonly droll in his conversation, made them invite him to sup with them at their expense; where they entertained him so generously, that, forgetting his national prudence, he could not forbear shewing his treasure, as a proof of not being unworthy of the honor they had done him.

The storm having obliged them to remain all night, they departed together the next morning; and as a farther mark of their regard they kept company with him, though he traveled on foot, till they came into a solitary part of the road, when, one of them, putting a pistol to his breast, took of him the earnings of his whole life, leaving him only a single piece of gold, which, by good fortune, he happened to have loose in his pocket. His distress at such a loss may be easily conceived: however, he sank not under it. A thought instantly occurred to him how it might possibly be retrieved, which he lost not a moment in proceeding to execute. He had observed that the master of the house, where he had met these two plunderers, seemed to be perfectly acquainted with them; he returned therefore thither directly, and feigned to have been taken suddenly ill on the road with a disorder of the bowels; called for some wine, which he had heated, and rendered still stronger with spice. All the time he was drinking it, he did nothing but pray for his late companions; who, he said, had not only advised him to take it, but had also been so generous as to give him a piece of gold (which he produced) to pay for it; and then, seeming to be much relieved, he lamented most heavily his not knowing where to return thanks to his benefactors; which he said, the violence of his pain had made him forget to inquire.

The master of the house, to whom his guests had not mentioned the man's having money, that he might not expect to share it with them, never suspected the truth of his story, informed him without scruple, who they were, and where they lived. This was directly what he had schemed for. He crawled away till he was out of sight of the house, in order to keep up the deceit, when he made all the haste he could to town; and, inquiring for his spoilers, he had the satisfaction to hear they were people in trade, and of good repute for their wealth.

The next morning, therefore, as soon, as he thought they were stirring, he went to the house of one of them, whom he found in the room where his merchandise was exposed for sale. The merchant instantly knew him; but, imagining he came on some other business (for he did not think it possible that he could have traced him, or even that he could know him in his altered appearance) asked him in the usual way what he wanted.

"I want to speak wi' ye in private, sir," he answered, getting between him and the door; and then, on the merchant's affecting surprise—"In gude troth, sir," he continued, "I think it is somewhat strange that ye shud na ken Sandy, who supped with ye the neeght before the laust, after au the kindness ye shewed to him." Then lowering his voice, so as not to be overheard by the people present, he told him, with a determined accent, that if he did not instantly return him his money, he would apply to a magistrate for redress.

This was a demand which admitted not of dispute. The money was paid him, gratuity for having lent it, and his receipt taken to that effect; after which he went directly to the other, upon whom he made a like successful demand.

The Highlander and the Angels

A genuine Highlander was one day looking at a print from a picture by one of the old masters, in which angels were represented blowing trumpets. He inquired if the angels played on trumpets, and being answered in the affirmative, made the following pithy remark:

"Hech, sirs, but they maun be pleased wi' music. I wonder they dinna borrow a pair o' bagpipes!"

One Side of Scotch Humor

Charles Lamb was present at a party of North Britons, where a son of Burns was expected, and he happened to drop a remark that he wished it were the father instead of the son, when four of the Scotchmen started up at once, saying that it was impossible, because he (the father) was dead.

Reproving a Miser

Lord Braco was his own factor and collected his own rents, in which duties he is said to have been so rigorously exact that a farmer, being one rent-day deficient in a single farthing, he caused him to trudge to a considerable distance to procure that little sum before he would grant a discharge. When the business was adjusted, the countryman said to his lordship, "Now, Braco, I wad gie ye a shilling for a sight o' a' the gowd and siller ye hae." "Weel, man," answered the miser, "it's no cost ye ony mair"; and he exhibited to the farmer several iron boxes full of gold and silver coin. "Now," said the farmer, "I'm as rich as yourself, Braco." "Ay, man," said his lordship, "how can that be?" "Because I've seen it," replied the countryman, "and ye can do nae mair."

A Shrewd Reply

Sir Walter Scott says that the alleged origin of the invention of cards produced one of the shrewdest replies he had ever heard given in evidence. It was by the late Dr. Gregory, of Edinburgh, to a counsel of great eminence at the Scottish bar. The doctor's testimony went to prove the insanity of the party whose mental capacity was the point at issue. On a cross-interrogation he admitted that the person in question played admirably at whist. "And do you seriously say, doctor," said the learned counsel, "that a person having a superior capacity for a game so difficult, and which requires in a pre-eminent degree, memory, judgment and combination, can be at the same time deranged in his understanding?" "I am no card player," said the doctor, with great address, "but I have read in history that cards were invented for the amusement of an insane king." The consequences of this reply were decisive.

Two Good Memories

A simple Highland girl, on her way home for the north, called as she passed by Crieff upon an old master with whom she had formerly served. Being kindly invited by him to share in the family dinner, and the usual ceremony of asking a blessing having been gone through, the poor girl, anxious to compliment, as she conceived, her ancient host, exclaimed: "Ah, master, ye maun hae a grond memory, for that's the grace ye had when I was wi' you seven years ago."

Compensation

A venerable Scotch minister used to say to any of his flock who were laboring under affliction: "Time is short, and if your cross is heavy you have not far to carry it."

Fowls and Ducks!

A Scotchman giving evidence at the bar of the House of Lords in the affair of Captain Porteous, and telling of the variety of shot which was fired upon that unhappy occasion, was asked by the Duke of Newcastle what kind of shot it was? "Why," said the man in his broad dialect, "sic as they shoot fools (fowls) wi' an' the like." "What kind of fools?" asked the duke, smiling at the word. "Why, my lord, dukes (ducks) and sic' kin' o' fools."

Square-Headed

A learned Scottish lawyer being just called to the Bench, sent for a new tie-wig. The peruquier, on applying his apparatus in one direction was observed to smile; upon which the judge desired to know what ludicrous circumstance gave rise to his mirth? The barber replied that he could not but remark the extreme length of his honor's head. "That's well," said Lord S——, "we lawyers have occasion for long heads!" The barber, who by this time had completed the dimensions, now burst out into a fit of laughter; and an explanation being insisted on, at last declared that he could not possibly contain himself when he discovered that "his lordship's head was just as thick as it was long!"

Refusing Information

Two Scotchmen met the other day on one of the bridges of Glasgow, one of them having in his hand a very handsome fowling-piece, when the following dialogue ensued: "Ods, mon, but that's a bonny gun." "Ay, deed is it." "Whaur did you get it?" "Owre by there." "And wha's it for?" "D'ye ken the yeditor of the Glasgow Herald?" "Ou ay." "Weel, it's nae for him."

Sabbath Breaking

The following anecdote is told in illustration of the Scotch veneration for the Sabbath: A geologist, while in the country, and having his pocket hammer with him, took it out and was chipping the rock by the wayside for examination. His proceedings did not escape the quick eye and ready tongue of an old Scotchwoman. "What are you doing there, man?" "Don't you see? I'm breaking a stone." "Y'are doing mair than that; y'are breaking the Sabbath."

Highland Simplicity

On one occasion a young girl fresh from the West Highlands came on a visit to a sister she had residing in Glasgow. At the outskirts of the town she stopped at a toll-bar, and began to rap smartly with her knuckles on the gate. The keeper, amused at the girl's action, and curious to know what she wanted, came out, when she very demurely interrogated him as follows:

"Is this Glasco?"

"Yes."

"Is Peggy in?"

The Fall of Adam and Its Consequences

As might have been expected, perhaps, Dean Ramsay is especially copious in clerical stories and those trenching on theological topics. He tells us how a man who was asked what Adam was like, first described our general forefather somewhat vaguely as "just like ither fouk." Being pressed for a more special description, he likened him to a horse-couper known to himself and the minister. "Why was Adam like that horse-couper?" "Weel," replied the catechumen, "naebody got onything by him, and mony lost."

Remarkable Presence of Mind

A well-known parsimonious Scottish professor was working one day in his garden in his ordinary beggarlike attire, and was alarmed to see the carriage of the great man of the parish whirling rapidly along the road to his house. It was too late to attempt a retreat, and get himself put in order to receive "my lord." To retreat was impossible; to remain there and as he was, to be shamed and disgraced. With a promptitude seldom or never surpassed, he struck his battered hat down on his shoulders, drew up his hands into the sleeves of his ragged coat, stuck out his arms at an acute angle, planted his legs far apart, and throwing rigidity into all his form, stood thus in the potato ground, the very beau-ideal of what in England is called a "scarecrow," in Scotland "a potato-bogle," never suspected by the visitors as they drove up to the front entrance, while he made for the back door to don his best suit.

Beginning Life Where He Ought to Have Ended, and Vice Versa

A worthy Scotch couple, when asked how their son had broken down so early in life, gave the following explanation: "When we began life together we worked hard and lived on porridge, and such like; gradually adding to our comforts as our means improved, until we were able to dine off a bit of roast beef, and sometimes a boiled chickie (chicken); but Jack, our son, he worked backwards and began with the chickie first."

How to Exterminate Old Thieves

The humorous, but stern criminal judge, Lord Braxfield, had a favorite maxim which he used frequently to repeat: "Hang a thief when he's young, and he'll no steal when he's auld."

A Sympathetic Hearer

An old minister in the Cheviots used, when excited in the pulpit, to raise his voice to a loud half-whimper, half-whine. One day a shepherd had brought with him a young collie, who became so thrilled by the high note of the preacher that he also broke out into a quaver so like the other that the minister stopped short. "Put out that collie," he said, angrily. The shepherd, equally angry, seized the animal by the neck, and as he dragged him down the aisle, sent back the growling retort at the pulpit, "It was yersel' begond it!"

Ginger Ale

A short time since, a bailie of Glasgow invited some of his electioneering friends to a dinner, during which the champagne circulated freely, and was much relished by the honest bodies; when one of them, more fond of it than the rest, bawled out to the servant who waited, "I say, Jock, gie us some mair o' that ginger yill, will ye?"

A Conditional Promise

At Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a clanking noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her bedside, who said to her: "Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to heaven, and gin ye should see our folk, ye can tell them that we're all weel." To which Jenny replied: "Weel, gin I should see them, I'se tell 'em. But you maunna expect that I'se to gang clank, clanking thro heaven looking for your folk."

Scripture Examination

An old schoolmaster, who usually heard his pupils once a week through Watts' Scripture History, and afterwards asked them promiscuously such questions as suggested themselves to his mind, one day desired a young urchin to tell him who Jesse was; when the boy briskly replied, "The Flower of Dunblane, sir."

A Minor Major

Lord Annandale, one of the Scotch judges, had a son, who, at the age of eleven or twelve, rose to the rank of a major. One morning his lady mother, hearing a noise in the nursery, rang to know the cause of it. "It's only," said the servant, "the major greetin' (crying) for his porridge!"

A Cute Way of Getting an Old Account

An old Scotch grave-digger was remonstrated with one day at a funeral for making a serious over-charge for digging a grave. Weel, ye see, sir," said the old man, in explanation, making a motion with his thumb towards the grave, "him and me had a bit o' a tift twa-three years syne owre the head of a watch I selt him, an' I've never been able to get the money oot o' him yet. 'Now,' says I to myself, 'this is my last chance, an' I'll better tak' it.'"

"Hearers Only—Not Doers"

Could anything be better than the improvement of a minister of Arran, who was discoursing on the carelessness of his flock? "Brethren, when you leave the church, just look down at the duke's swans; they are vera bonny swans, an' they'll be sooming about an' dooking doon their heads and laving theirsels wi' the clean water till they're a' drookit; then you'll see them sooming to the shore, an' they'll gie their wings a bit flap an' they're dry again. Now, my friends, you come here every Sabbath, an' I lave you a' ower wi' the Gospel till you are fairly drookit wi't. But you just gang awa hame, an' sit doon by your fireside, gie your wings a bit flap, an' ye're as dry as ever again."

The Chieftain and the Cabby

The following story illustrates the disadvantage of having an article in common use called after one's own name. The chief of the clan McIntosh once had a dispute with a cabman about his fare. "Do you know who I am?" indignantly exclaimed the Highlander; "I am the McIntosh."

"I don't care if you are an umbrella," replied the cabby; "I'll have my rights."

Not All Profit

A humorous minister of Stirling, hearing that one of his hearers was about to be married for the third time, said to him: "They tell me, John, you are getting money wi' her; you did so on the last two occasions; you'll get quite rich by your wives."

"'Deed, sir," quietly replied John, "what wi' bringin' them in and puttin' them out, there's nae muckle be made of them."

Pie, or Patience?

A little Scotch boy, aged five, was taking dinner at his grandfather's and had reached the dessert. "I want some pie," said young Angus.

"Have patience," said his grandmother.

"Which would you rather have, Angus," said grandfather; "patience or pie?"

"Pie," replied Angus, emphatically.

"But then," said his grandfather, "there might not be any left for me."

"Well," said Angus, "you have some of patience."

How to Treat a Surplus

In a school in Aberdeenshire, one day, a dull boy was making his way to his master for the third time with an arithmetical question. The teacher, a little annoyed, exclaimed, "Come, come, John, what's the matter now?"

"I canna get ma question richt," replied the boy.

"What's wrong with it, this time?"

"I've gotten auchteenpence ower muckle."

"Never mind," said a smart boy, in a loud whisper, with a sly glance at the master, "keep it tae yersel', Jock."

Landseer's Deadly Influence

An amusing incident took place during one of Landseer's early visits to Scotland. In the course of his journey he stopped at a village, and as his habit was, took great notice of the many dogs, jotting down sketches of such as took his fancy most. On the next day he continued his journey. As he passed through the village, Landseer was surprised and horrified to see dogs of all kinds, some of which he recognized, hanging dead from trees or railings on every side. Presently he saw a boy, who, with tears in his eyes, was hurrying a young pup towards the river to drown it. He questioned the urchin, and to his surprise found that the villagers looked upon him as an excise-officer, who was taking notes of the dogs with a view to prosecute the owners of such as had not paid their tax.

Trying One Grave First

An old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife who was dying. She took him by the hand and said: "Weel, John, we're gowin' to part. I have been a gude wife to you, John." "Oh, just middling, Jenny, just middlin'," said John, not disposed to commit himself. "John," says she, "ye maun promise to bury me in the auld kirkyard at Str'avon, beside my mither. I could'na rest in peace among unco' folk, in the dirt and smoke o' Glasgow." "Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said John, soothingly, "we'll just try ye in Glasgow first, an' gin ye dinna lie quiet, we'll try you in Str'avon." [8]

"Capital Punishment"—Modified

Two Scotchmen, turning the corner of a street rather sharply, come into collision. The shock was stunning to one of them. He pulled off his hat, and, laying his hand on his forehead, said: "Sic a blow! My heed's a' ringin' again!"

"Nae wonder," said his companion; "your head was aye empty—that makes it ring. My heed disna ring a bit."

"How could it ring," said the other, "seeing it was crackit?"

Matter More Than Manner

Norman M'Leod was once preaching in a district in Ayrshire, where the reading of a sermon is regarded as the greatest fault of which the minister can be guilty. When the congregation dispersed an old woman, overflowing with enthusiasm, addressed her neighbor. "Did ye ever hear onything sae gran'? Wasna that a sermon?" But all her expressions of admiration being met by a stolid glance, she shouted: "Speak, woman! Wasna that a sermon?" "Ou ay," replied her friend sulkily; "but he read it." "Read it!" said the other, with indignant emphasis. "I wadna care if he had whistled it."

Curious Use of a Word

The word "honest" has in Scotland a peculiar application, irrespective of any integrity of moral character. It is a kindly mode of referring to an individual, as we would say to a stranger: "Honest man, would you tell me the way to——?" or as Lord Hermand, when about to sentence a woman for stealing, began remonstratively; "Honest woman, what gar'd ye steal your neighbor's tub?"

Finding Work for His Class, While He Dined

A clergyman in Scotland, who had appointed a day for the catechising of some of his congregation, happened to receive an invitation to dinner for the same day, and having forgotten his previous engagement, he accepted it. Just as he was mounting his gig to depart, he perceived the first of his class entering his garden, and the remainder coming over the hill, and at once became aware of the mistake he had made. Here was a fix. But the minister's ready wit soon came to his assistance.

"What have you come for, John?" he asked, addressing the first comer.

"An' dee ye no' remember, sir, ye bade us come to be catecheesed?"

"Ou, ay; weel, no' to keep ye going further, John, was it a hoorned coo or a hemmel that Noah took into the ark?"

"'Deed, sir, I canna tell."

"Weel, turn back and ask the ither folk the same question, and if they canna answer it, bid them go home and find oot."

The Value of a Laugh in Sickness

Dr. Patrick Scougal, a Scottish bishop, in the seventeenth century, being earnestly sought by an old woman to visit her sick cow, the prelate, after many remonstrances, reluctantly consented, and, walking round the beast, said gravely, "If she live, she live; and if she die, she die; and I can do nae mair for her." Not long afterwards, he was dangerously afflicted with a quinsy in the throat; hereupon the old woman, having got access to his chamber, walked round his bed repeating the same words which the bishop had pronounced when walking round the cow, and which she believed had cured the animal. At this extraordinary sight the bishop was seized with a fit of laughter, which burst the quinsy, and saved his life.

Why Israel Made a Golden Calf

The following answer from a little girl was shrewd and reflective. The question was: "Why did the Israelites make a golden calf?"

"They hadna as muckle siller as would mak' a coo'." [9]

An Economical Preacher's Bad Memory

A parochial incumbent, whose scene of labor some years ago bordered on the Strath of Blain, was blamed for having an erroneous opinion of the memories of his hearers, insomuch as he frequently entertained them with "could kail hot again," in the shape of sermons that he had previously given. On one occasion his own memory allowed him to make a slip, and only one Sabbath elapsed between the giving of the sermon the second time. After the dismissal of the congregation, the beadle remarked to him, "I hae often heard ye blamed, sir, for gein' us auld sermons; but they'll surely no' say that o' the ane ye gied them this afternoon, for its just a fortnicht sin' they heard it afore in the same place." [8]

Sharpening His Teeth

An English gentleman, traveling in the Highlands, being rather late in coming down to dinner, Donald was sent upstairs to intimate all was ready. He speedily returned, nodding significantly, as much as to say it was all right.

"But, Donald," said his master, after some further trial of a hungry man's patience, "are ye sure ye made the gentleman understand?"

"Understand!" retorted Donald (who had peeped into the room and found the guest engaged at his toilet); "I'se warrant ye he understands; he's sharpening his teeth—" not supposing the toothbrush could be of any other use.

Droll Solemnity

An old maid of Scotland, after reading aloud to her two sisters, also unmarried, the births, marriages, and deaths, in the ladies' corner of a newspaper, thus moralized: "Weel, weel, these are solemn events, death and marriage: but ye ken they're what we must a' come to."

"Eh, Miss Jenny, but ye have been lang spared!" was the reply of the youngest sister.

Matrimony a Cure for Blindness

An example of this truth is given in the case of a sly old Scotchman who, on marrying a very young wife, was rallied by his friends on the inequality of their ages.

"She will be near me," he replied, "to close my een."

"Weel," remarked another party, "I've had twa wives, and they opened my een."

Plain Speaking

"I was at the manse the ither day," said the precentor to an old crony, "an' the minister and me got on the crack. He says to me: 'Jim,' says he, 'I'm very sorry to tell you that I must advise you to give up your post, for there are several people complaining that you cannot sing!'

"'Weel, sir,' said I, 'I dinna think you should be in sic a hurry to advise me. I've been telt a dizzen times ye canna preach, but I never advised ye to gie up your place.'

"I saw he was vexed, so I jist said: 'Ne'er heed, sir; the fules'll hae to hear us till we think fit to stop.'"

Trying to Shift the Job

A country laird, at his death, left his property in equal shares to his two sons, who continued to live very amicably together for many years. At length one said to the other: "Sam, we're getting auld now; you'll tak' a wife, and when I dee ye'll get my share o' the grund."

"Na, John; you're the youngest and maist active; you'll tak' a wife, and when I dee you'll get my share."

"Od!" says John; "Sam, that's just the way with you when there's any fash or trouble. There's naething you'll do at a'."

A New Explanation of an Extra Charge

The following story is told of a distinguished Edinburgh professor: Desiring to go to church one wet Sunday, he hired a cab. On reaching the church door he tendered a shilling—the legal fare—to cabby, and was somewhat surprised to hear the cabman say: "Twa shillin', sir." The professor, fixing his eye on the extortioner, demanded why he charged two shillings, upon which the cabman dryly answered: "We wish to discourage traveling on the Sabbath as much as possible, sir."

National Thrift Exemplified

Nowadays, when we hear that patients are beginning to question whether they are bound to pay their doctors or not unless a cure has been effected, the following anecdote of a cautious Scotchman may serve as a useful hint: A poor old man had been some time ill, but refused to have advice, dreading the doctor's bill. At last he gave in to the repeated requests of his family, and sent for the doctor. On his arrival, the old man greeted him with: "Noo, doctor, if ye dinna think I am worth repairing, dinna put much expense on me." The doctor, finding him worth repairing, soon set him on his legs again, and the old man considered his bargain a good one.

New Use for a "Cosy"

A newly-married lady, displaying her wedding presents to an old Highland servant-maid, shows a fancy tea-cosy.

Servant Maid: "That'll be a bonny present."

Lady: "It is, indeed."

Servant Maid: "Ay, an' you'll pe shurely wear this at a crand party?"

Mending Matters

"Had you the audacity, John," said a Scottish laird to his servant, "to go and tell some people that I was a mean fellow, and no gentleman?" "Na, na," was the candid answer; "you'll no catch me at the like o' that. I aye keep my thoughts to mysel'."

Degrees of Capacity

Francis Jeffrey was an example of a man who had acquired an artificial style and language, suitable only for printed books and a small circle of friends and associates in Edinburgh. His diction and pronunciation were unintelligible to the bulk of his countrymen, and offensive and ridiculous in the House of Commons. His weight in his party, his great intelligence, and the affection of his friends, could not prevent him from failing in Parliament. An amusing illustration is given by an acquaintance of the contrast between him and his friend Henry Cockburn, in the examination of a witness. The trial turned upon the intellectual competency of a testator. Jeffrey asked a witness, a plain countryman, whether the testator was a man of "intellectual capacity?—an intellectual, shrewd man?—a man of capacity?—had he ordinary mental endowments?"

"What d'ye mean, sir?"

"I mean," replied Jeffrey, testily, "was the man of sufficient ordinary intelligence to qualify him to manage his own affairs?"

"I dinna ken," replied the chafed and mystified witness; "Wad ye say the question ower again, sir?"

Jeffrey being baffled, Cockburn took up the examination. He said: "Ye kenned Tammas——?"

"Ou, ay; I kenned Tammas weel; me and him herded together when we were laddies."

"Was there onything in the cretur?"

"Deil a thing but what the spune put in him."

"Would you have trusted him to sell a cow for you?"

"A cow! I wadna lippened him to sell a calf."

Francis Jeffrey could not, if he had devoted an article in the Edinburgh Review to the subject, have given a more exact measurement than was presented in few words of the capacity of the testator to manage his own affairs.

"Invisible and Incomprehensible"

First Scot: "Fat sort o' minister hae ye gotten, Geordie?"

Second Scot: "Oh, weel; he's no muckle worth. We seldom get a glint o' him; six days o' th' week he's envees'ble, and on the seventh he's encomprehens'ble."

Fetching His "Character"

At a Scotch fair a farmer was trying to engage a lad to assist on the farm, but would not finish the bargain until he brought a character from the last place, so he said: "Run and get it, and meet me at the cross, at four o'clock."

The youth was up to time, and the farmer said, "Well, have you got your character with you?"

"Na," replied the youth; "but I've got yours, an' I'm no comin'."

Scottish Negativeness

If you remark to an old Scotchman that "It's a good day," his usual reply is, "Aweel, sir, I've seen waur." Such a man does not say his wife is an excellent woman. He says, "She's no' a bad body." A buxom lass, smartly dressed, is "No' sae vera unpurposelike." The richest and rarest viands are "No' sae bad." The best acting and the best singing are designated as "No' bad." A man noted for his benevolence is "No' the warst man in the worilt." A Scotchman is always afraid of expressing unqualified praise. He suspects if he did so it would tend to spoil the object of his laudations, if a person, male or female, old or young; or, if that object were a song, a picture, a piece of work, a landscape, or such, that those who heard him speak so highly of it would think he had never in his life seen or heard anything better, which would be an imputation on his knowledge of things. "Nil Admirari" is not exactly the motto of the normal Scotchman. He is quite ready to admire admirable things, but yet loath to admit it, only by inference, that he had never witnessed or experienced anything better. Indeed, he has always something of the like kind which he can quote to show that the person, place or thing in question is only comparatively good, great, clever, beautiful, or grand. Then, when anybody makes a remark, however novel, that squares with a Scotchman's ideas, he will say, "That's just what I've offen thoucht!" "That's exactly ma way of thinking!" "That's just what I aye say!" "That's just what I was actually on the point o' saying!"

Either Too Fast or Too Slow

An artist, returning from a sketching tour in Arran, was crossing the mountains on his way back to catch the early steamer for Brodick. His watch had stopped, so he could not form an idea of the time of day. To his joy he met a shepherd, of whom he inquired the hour. The native, pulling out his watch, replied: "Sir, it will shoost pe five o'clock on my wee watchy; but whether she'll be two oors too slow, or two oors too fast, I dinna ken."

A Highland Servant Girl and the Kitchen Bell

Some years ago a lady engaged a domestic servant from the Highlands. In the evening the lady wanted supper brought in, so she rang the bell. Not getting any answer, she repeated the summons, but with the same effect. She then proceeded to the kitchen, where to her amazement she found the servant almost convulsed with laughter. She pointed to the bell and exclaimed: "As sure's I leeve I never touched it, an' its waggin' yet!"

Not Necessarily Out of His Depth

In Scotland the topic of a sermon, or discourse is called by old-fashioned folk "its ground," or, as they would say, "its grund." An old woman, bustling into kirk rather late, found the preacher had commenced, and opening her Bible, nudged her next neighbor, with the inquiry: "What's the grund?"

"Oh," rejoined the other, who happened to be a brother minister, and therefore a privileged critic, "he's lost his grund long since, and he's just swimming."

Scotch Literalness

"You must beware," says Charles Lamb, "of indirect expressions before a Caledonian. I have a print, a graceful female, after Leonardo da Vinci, which I was showing off to Mr. ——. After he had examined it, I asked him how he liked 'my beauty' (a name it goes by among my friends), when he very gravely assured me that he 'had very considerable respect for my character and talents'—so he was pleased to say—'but had not given himself much thought for the degree of my personal pretensions.'"

A Scotch "Native"

"Are you a native of this parish?" asked a Scotch sheriff of a witness who was summoned to testify in a case of illicit distilling.

"Maistly, yer honor," was the reply.

"I mean, were you born in this parish?"

"Na, yer honor; I wasna born in this parish, but I'm maist a native for a' that."

"You come here when you were a child, I suppose you mean?" said the sheriff.

"Na, sir, I'm just here about sax year, noo."

"Then how do you come to be nearly a native of this parish?"

"Weel, ye see, whan I cam' here, sax year sin', I jist weighed eight stane, an' I'm fully seventeen stane noo; sae ye see that about nine stane a' me belangs to this parish an' the ither eight comes frae Camlachie."

"A Call to a Wider Sphere"

An old Highland clergyman, who had received several calls to parishes, asked his servant where he should go. His servant said: "Go where there is most sin, sir."

The preacher concluded that good advice, and went where there was most money.

Why Janet Slept During Her Pastor's Sermon

Dean Ramsay tells the following quaint story of Scotch life:

There was a worthy old woman at Cults, whose place in church was what is commonly called the lateran—a kind of senate gallery at the top of the pulpit stairs. She was a most regular attendant, but as regularly fell asleep during the sermon, of which fault the preacher had sometimes audible intimation.

It was observed, however, that though Janet slept during her own pastor's discourse, she could be attentive enough when she pleased, and especially was she alert when some young preacher occupied the pulpit. A little piqued at this, Mr. Gillespie said to her one day: "Janet, I think you hardly behave respectfully to your own minister in one matter."

"Me, sir?" exclaimed Janet; "I would like to see ony mon, no' to say woman, but yoursel', say that o' me! What can you mean, sir?"

"Weel, Janet, ye ken when I preach you're almost always fast asleep before I've given out my text, but when any of these young men from St. Andrew's preach for me, I see you never sleep a wink. Now, that's what I call no' using me as you should do."

"Hoot, sir," was the reply, "is that a'? I'll soon tell you the reason of that. When you preach, we a' ken the word o' God's safe in your hands; but when they young birkies tak it in haun, my certie, but it tak's us a' to look after them." [7]

Spinning it Out

As a verbose preacher was addressing the congregation on a certain occasion, one by one of his officials dropped out of the church into the vestry. As the last one who left put his head into the vestry, those who had preceded him inquired if the prolix speaker had not finished his address. "Well," said he, "his tow's dune lang syne, but he's aye spinnin' awa' yet."

A Wife's Protection

"Wake up, wake up; there's a man in the house!" cried Mrs. Macdougal to her husband the other night. Mac rolled out of bed and grasped his revolver, and opened the door to sally forth for the robber. Then, turning to his wife, he said: "Come, Maggie, and lead the way. It's a cowardly man that would hurt a woman."

Scotch Provincialism

A gentleman from Aberdeen was awoke one night lately in an hotel in Princes Street by an alarm of fire. Upon going to the window, he called out, "Watchman, far eist?" (Where is it?). The watchman thanked him and went to the Register Office, where he found he was going in the wrong direction and returned. On repassing the hotel, he was again called to by the Aberdonian, who bawled out, "Watchman, far was't?" (Where was it?) On looking up to him, the watchman replied, "Ye're a leein' scoonril; ye first tell'd me it was far east, an' noo ye say it's far west; but I tell ye it's neither e' tane or e' tither, cause it's ower i' e' Coogate."

More Polite than Some Smokers

The other day a man who indulged in "the weed," took a seat in a carriage set apart for smokers on the Tynemouth line. He lost no time in getting up a cloud, and whilst puffing away he was accosted by a decent elderly female sitting in an opposite corner.

"Is this a smokin' carriage, sor?"

"Yes, good woman," he replied; "but if my pipe annoys you" (obligingly taking it from his lips), "I'll put it out."

"No, hinny," said she, drawing a well-used "cutty" from beneath her shawl; "aa's gawin' to hev a pipe mesel'!"

The Fly-fisher and the Highland Lassie

An English tourist visited Arran, and being a keen disciple of Isaac Walton, was arranging to have a good day's sport. Being told that the horse-fly would suit his purpose admirably for bait, he addressed himself to Christy, the Highland servant-maid. "I say, my girl, can you get me some horse-flies?"

Christy looked stupid, and he repeated his question. Finding that she did not yet comprehend him, he exclaimed: "Why, girl, did you never see a horse-fly?"

"Naa, Sir," said the girl; "but a wanse saw a coo jump over a preshipice."

Not at Home

One evening, John Clerk (Lord Eldon) had been dipping rather too freely in the convivial bowl with a friend in Queen Street, and on emerging into the open air, his intellect became to a considerable extent confused, and not being able to distinguish objects with any degree of minuteness or certainty, he thought himself in a fair way of losing the road to his own house in Picardy Place. In this perplexity he espied some one coming towards him, whom he stopped with this query: "D'ye ken whaur John Clerk bides?"

"What's the use o' your speerin' that question?" said the man; "you're John Clerk himsel'."

"I ken that," said John; "but it's no himsel' that's wanted—it's his house."

Faring Alike

First Scotch Boatman: "Weel, Geordie, how got ye on the day?"

Second Ditto (droughty—he had been out with a Free Kirk minister, a strict abstainer): "Nae ava. The auld carle had nae whusky, sae I took him where there was nae fush!"

"Saddling the Ass"

Dr. Guthrie, in the course of an address in the New Free College, remarked that he was often annoyed and vexed beyond measure to find discourses of the ablest character murdered and massacred by a wretched delivery. Some ministers appeared to have a habit of emphasizing every third word or so; and he would tell them an anecdote which he had heard to illustrate the importance of correct reading. A minister once reading I Kings xiii: 13, read it thus: "And the prophet said unto his sons, Saddle me the ass. So they saddled him, the ass."

An Open Question

A Scottish minister, being one day engaged in visiting some members of his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little he opened the door and walked in, saying with an authoritative voice, "I should like to know who is head of this house?" "Weel, sir," said the husband and father, "if ye sit down a wee, we'll maybe be able to tell ye, for we're just trying to settle that point."

Domestics in By-gone Days

Dean Ramsay records the following anecdote in his "Reminiscences of Scottish Life and Character": The charge these old domestics used to take in the interests of the family, and the cool way in which they took upon them to protect those interests, sometimes led to very provoking and sometimes to a very ludicrous exhibition of importance. A friend told me of a dinner scene illustrative of this sort of interference which had happened at Airth in the last generation. Mrs. Murry, of Abercairney, had been amongst the guests, and at dinner one of the family noticed that she was looking about for the proper spoon to help herself to salt. The old servant, Thomas, was appealed to, that the want might be supplied. He did not notice the appeal. It was repeated in a more peremptory manner: "Thomas, Mrs. Murry has not a salt-spoon"; to which he replied most emphatically, "Last time Mrs. Murry dined here we lost a salt-spoon." [7]

A Misdeal

A celebrated Scotch divine had just risen up to the pulpit to lead the congregation in prayer, when a gentlemen in front of the gallery took out his handkerchief to wipe the dust from his brow, forgetting that a pack of cards was wrapped up in it; the whole pack was scattered over the breast of the gallery. The minister could not resist a sarcasm, solemn as the act was in which he was about to engage. "O man, man! surely your psalm-book has been ill-bund."

"A Sign of Grace"

A good story is told by Mr. Aird, Moderator of the Free Church of Scotland, respecting a minister who in the old days of patronage was forced upon a congregation at Alness. He was coldly received, but calling one day upon an old elder, he took a chair in spite of his gruff reception. In order to meet an awkward pause, he took out his snuff-box. "Oh," said the elder, "ye tak' snuff, dae ye?"

"Oh, yes," was the reply.

"Weel," said the elder, "that's the fust sign of grace I've seen in ye."

"How's that?"

"Dae we nae read o' Solomon's temple," replied the elder, "that a' the snuffers were of pure gold?"

Extraordinary Absence of Mind

A certain Scottish professor was not more remarkable for his writings on political economy, than for his frequent unconsciousness of what passed before him. His absence of mind was so remarkable, that his wife once wagered that she would accost him in the street, inquire after the health of herself and family, and that he would not recognize her. She actually won the wager.

The professor was once taking a solitary walk on the banks of the canal, into which in his abstraction, he walked. When within a yard of the centre, an honest woman washing clothes behind him, bawled out, "Come oot, come oot, fule body, or ye'll be droon't."

These warning sounds invading the tympanum of the professorial ear, had the effect of making him turn right about and forthwith recover the dry ground. The good woman, concluding him to be an idiot, sympathetically exclaimed, "Puir body! a weel, they hae muckle to answer for that lets ye gang yer lane!"

Salmon or Sermon

A clergyman in Perthshire, who was more skilful as an angler than popular as a preacher, having fallen into conversation with some of his parishioners on the benefits of early rising, mentioned as an instance, that he had that very morning, before breakfast, composed a sermon, and killed a salmon—an achievement on which he plumed himself greatly. "Aweel, sir," observed one of the company, "I would rather have your salmon than your sermon."

"Bock Again!"—A Prompt Answer

A countryman in Scotland, who was very fond of apples, especially if they came cheap, was one day getting over the hedge into his neighbor's orchard, who, happening to be walking towards the spot at the time, cried out, "Hoot, hoot, Sandy, where are thee ganging?"

"Bock again, now you are there," replied the thief, with the utmost sang froid.

A "Kippered" Divine

It is said that Dr. Chalmers once entertained a distinguished guest from Switzerland, whom he asked if he would be helped to kippered salmon. The foreign divine asked the meaning of the uncouth word "kippered," and was told that it meant "preserved." The poor man, in public prayer, soon after, offered a petition that the distinguished divine might long be "kippered to the Free Church of Scotland."

Scotch Caution versus Suretiship

The old Jews and the old Scotch Highlanders had one feeling in common—a dread of suretiship. The Book of Proverbs contains several warnings of the danger that lurks in a surety bond, but none are more admonishing than one uttered by an Highlander. Donald had been tried for his life, and narrowly escaped conviction. In discharging him the judge thought it proper to say: "Prisoner, before you leave the bar, I'll give you a piece of advice. You have got off this time, but if you ever come before me, again, I'll be caution (surety) you'll be hanged."

"Thank you, my lord," said Donald, "for your good advice, and as I'm no' ungratefu', I beg to gie your lordship a piece of advice in turn. Never be 'caution' for anybody, for the cautioner has often to pay the penalty."

A Descendant of the Stuarts

A gentleman from the north, being of a genealogical turn of mind, believed that he had discovered in his pedigree some remote connection with the royal Stuart blood. Going south, he made much of his presumed relationship, until he was generally spoken of in bated breath by his innocent English friends, "as a descendant of the Stuarts." At a public gathering he was thus mentioned, and the description instantly engaged the rapt attention of a new arrival from Caledonia.

"A descendant o' the Stuarts!" he cried; "eh, sirs, I'd like feine to see ane o' the royal race."

"Then there he is," answered the interlocutor, pointing him out—"there—the gentleman standing in front of the fireplace."

"Gude sakes!" said the astonished Scot; "that's just my ain brither Jack."

"Law" Set Aside by "Gospel"

It is related that a Scotch minister chanced to meet two of his parishioners in the office of a lawyer, whom he regarded as being too sharp.

The lawyer jocularly and not very graciously put the question: "Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as black or white sheep?"

"I don't know," answered the divine drily, "whether they are black or white sheep, but I know if they are here long they are pretty sure to be well fleeced."

"Knowledge—It Shall Vanish Away"

A gentleman was once riding in Scotland by a bleaching ground, where a woman was at work watering her webs of linen-cloth. He asked her where she went to church, what she heard, and how much she remembered of the preceding day's sermon. She could not even remember the text.

"And what good can the preaching do you," said he, "if you forget it all?"

"Ah, sir," replied the woman, "if you look at this web on the grass, you will see that as fast as ever I put the water on it the sun dries it all up; and yet, see, it grows whiter and whiter."

A Harmless Joke

Sandy Merton was a half-witted fellow who lived in a small town in the west of Scotland. One day Sandy entered the doctor's shop, carrying under his arm a rusty gun.

"Well, Alexander," said the doctor, "who gave you the gun?"

"Maister Tamson, the publican, gied me it, an' he said the only kind o' poother it wud shoot wi' was Seidlitz poother; sae gie I tuppence worth."