THE INCOMPATIBLES
Reading edition
A corner table in a Broadway restaurant, at evening. Between the man and woman who have just taken seats is a bouquet of red roses.
Marian
No, I don't want any oysters or clams. I ate enough sea food in Atlantic City to last a season. I want some—Oh, what gorgeous flowers! Umm! I love the smell of roses! Especially out of season. Why, the other tables haven't any! Fred, did you—?
Fred
Sure I did, Marian. I knew you'd like 'em.
Marian
I do. But you mustn't be a silly boy any longer, Fred!
Fred
I will, too. It isn't silly, to give you flowers.
Marian
That's all right, Fred. Goodness knows I like the flowers. But I'm not a young idiot who expects her honeymoon to last forever. I've had one experience, you know.
Fred
Yes, but you mustn't judge all men by him.
Marian
I don't. I knew well enough you're different, or I'd never have married you. But at the same time—
Fred
Well, I'm going to show you that a real man don't get over the fun of being married to a peach like you in just two weeks. You don't want me to, do you?
Marian
Course not, Fred! Didn't I say you were different? But I don't want you to set a pace you can't keep up. You'd hate me in no time if I did.
Fred
I couldn't hate you, girlie! Besides, isn't this our first night back in the old town? We shan't be having dinner out like this every day.
Marian
Well, only I don't want to have you flop all of a sudden, like he did. What'll you have, a cocktail?
Fred
Let's see.... What's the matter, Marian?
Marian
Sh! Don't turn round!
Fred
What's up?
Marian
Him!
Fred
Him who?
Marian
George!
Fred
Good Lord! Well, don't mind him. He hasn't got anything on you now. You're mine.
Marian
Sure I am. He isn't looking. He's with a woman. By jingo! It's that millinery kid!
Fred
What millinery kid? Besides, what difference does it make? Let him have a hundred, if he wants 'em. We're happy.
Marian
The nerve of him! I knew it was her right along. He tried to throw a bluff it was some swell. I'll bet he paid good for those clothes!
Fred
Oh, come on! What'll you have? Besides, she might have made the clothes herself.
Marian
Made 'em herself! Say, a fine lot you know about ladies' gowns! That came from the Avenue, straight.
Fred
Well, what if it did? I'll get you a better one, you just wait.
Marian
Sh! He's looking over here!
Fred
Hm! Look at me and you won't see him.
Marian
The nerve!
Fred
What's he done?
Marian
He smiled right over like nothing had ever happened. I'll bet he's going to say something mean about me. Oh!
Fred
Let's change our seats. I'm hungry!
Marian
Change nothing! Catch me giving him a laugh like that! I could tell her things, the young—There, now she's looking!
Fred
What if she is? Say, look here—
Marian
He's getting up! Well, of all the brass!
Fred
What?
Marian
He's coming over here!
Fred
He is! Don't you say a word. I'll take him on!
Marian
If he dares—
George
Hello, Marian!
Marian
Hm!
George
What, got a grouch on your honeymoon? That's a bad sign, Marian!
Marian
No, I haven't got any grouch! Don't you worry! You're the only grouch I ever had, thank the Lord!
George
Well then. It isn't every woman gets rid of an incompatible husband and gets hold of a compatible one, all in same season.
Fred
Look here!
Marian
That's just like him! Coming over here with a grin on like a kid with a new toy. Well, we don't want anything to do with you. See?
George
Sure. Excuse me for butting in. I just wanted to make a little announcement.
Marian
Oh, you did! Well, I'm surprised! I didn't think she was the kind you had to marry.
George
Huh! I knew you'd have your little knife out for her. But why you should have to be jealous now I can't see.
Marian
I'm not jealous!
George
What you worrying about, then?
Marian
I'm not worrying! I'm only sore because you butted in when we were so happy together here without you.
George
Oh, excuse me! As a matter of fact, I didn't come over to make any announcement. It's too late for that. I—
Marian
Married already! Anybody'd think you might wait a little while for common decency!
George
I waited a day longer than you did, anyhow.
Marian
That's different.
Fred
I beg your pardon! We were just ordering dinner. If you didn't come to make any announcement, why—
Marian
Yes, what did you butt in for?
George
Why, I got a letter from your friend Grace, and—
Marian
Grace? What did she have to say to you?
George
She said she was sorry I had to get a divorce, but I told her—
Marian
Sorry you had to get a divorce! Well, if I don't fix her!
George
Oh, she's getting married, too.
Marian
Who to?
George
That fellow, what's his name, that's got the garage over on Seventh Avenue.
Marian
Snider! So he's the one! Well! And I suppose she'll be all over town in a new car.
George
Sure. Saw him to-day. A big yellow one. I always told you she was out for money. And you thought she was in love with Jackson!
Marian
Hypocrite! She was. Or she told me so. Cried all over me. Have you seen Jackson?
George
Yes. He's as blue as your old kimono. He said—
Fred
Look here, Marian! I'm not going to wait all night for my dinner!
Marian
Order your old dinner! What did Jackson say, George?