QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES. (continued 3)

Heinrich Heine, Thoughts and Fancies.

ONCE met a man who had forgiven an injury. I hope some day to meet the man who has forgiven an insult.

Charles Buxton, Notes of Thought.

ALK in the Park—you'll seldom fail To find a Sybaris on the rail By Lydia's ponies, Or hap on Barrus, wigged, and stayed, Ogling some unsuspecting maid. The great Gargilius, then, behold! His "long-bow" hunting tales of old Are now but duller; Fair Neobule too! Is not One Hebrus here—from Aldershot? Aha, you colour! Be wise. There old Canidia sits; No doubt she's tearing you to bits. Here's Pyrrha, "golden-haired" at will; Prig Damasippus, preaching still; Asterie flirting,— Radiant, of course. We'll make her black,— Ask her when Gyges' ship comes back.

Austin Dobson, Vignettes in Rhyme.

A reconnaissance de la plupart des hommes n'est qu'une secrète envie de recevoir de plus grands bienfaits.

La Rochefoucauld, Réflexions.

HE surest way to make ourselves agreeable to others is by seeming to think them so.

W. Hazlitt, Characteristics.

SELF-EVIDENT.

HEN other lips and other eyes Their tales of love shall tell, Which means the usual sort of lies You've heard from many a swell; When, bored with what you feel is bosh, You'd give the world to see A friend whose love you know will wash, Oh, then remember me! When Signor Solo goes his tours, And Captain Craft's at Ryde, And Lord Fitzpop is on the moors, And Lord knows who beside; When to exist you feel a task Without a friend at tea, At such a moment I but ask That you'll remember me.

J. R. Planché, Songs and Poems.

HEN a man is called stingy, it is as much as calling him rich; and when a man's called rich, why he's a man universally respected.

Sir John Vesey, in Lord Lytton's Money.

URSED be the Bank of England notes, that tempt the soul to sin! Cursed be the want of acres,—doubly cursed the want of tin! Cursed be the marriage-contract, that enslaved thy soul to greed! Cursed be the sallow lawyer, that prepared and drew the deed! Cursed be his foul apprentice, who the loathsome fees did earn! Cursed be the clerk and parson—cursed be the whole concern!

Bon Gaultier Ballads.

EVER hold anybody by the button, or the hand, in order to be heard out; for, if people are not willing to hear you, you had much better hold your tongue than them.

Lord Chesterfield, Letters to his Son.

HAVE learned to love Lucy, though faded she be; If my next love be lovely, the better for me; By the end of next summer, I'll give you my oath, It was best, after all, to have flirted with both.

Charles Godfrey Leland.

ENERAL ORNANO, observing a certain nobleman—who, by some misfortune in his youth, lost the use of his legs—in a Bath chair, which he wheeled about, and inquiring the name of the English peer, D'Orsay answered, "Père la Chaise."

Gronow, Recollections.

OET-PROFESSOR! Now my brain thou kindlest: I am become a most determined Tyndallist. If it is known a fellow can make skies, Why not make bright blue eyes? This to deny the folly of a dunce it is: Surely a girl as easy as a sunset is? If you can make a halo or eclipse, Why not two laughing lips? Why should an author scribble rhymes or articles? Bring me a dozen tiny Tyndall-particles: Therefrom I'll coin a dinner, Nash's wine, And a nice girl to dine.

Mortimer Collins, The British Birds.

HEY now speak of the peculiar difficulties and restrictions of the Episcopal Office. I only read in Scripture of two inhibitions—boxing and polygamy.

Sydney Smith, apud Lord Houghton.

ON AN OFFERING MADE BY KING JAMES I. AT A GRAVE COMEDY CALLED "THE MARRIAGE OF ARTS."

T Christ Church "Marriage," play'd before the King, Lest these learn'd mates should want an offering, The King himself did offer—what, I pray? He offer'd, once or twice—to go away.

A Collection of Epigrams (1727).

---- has only two ideas, and they are his legs, and they are spindle-shanked.

Lady Ashburton, apud Lord Houghton.

RY as Compton's fun, Dry as author's pocket; Bright as that loved one Whose face adorns my locket; At the beaker's brim Beading brittle bubbles, Sea in which to swim, And cast away all troubles; Sea where sorrow sinks, Ne'er to rise again—oh, Blessedest of drinks, Welcome, "Pommery Gréno!"

Edmund Yates.

ON CLOSE-FIST'S SUBSCRIPTION.

HE charity of Close-Fist, give to fame:— He has at last subscrib'd—how much?—his name.

Anon.

HE late Bishop of Exeter and Baron Alderson were sitting next each other at a public dinner. After the usual toasts had been drunk, the health of "The Navy" was proposed. Lord Campbell, expecting to have to return thanks for "The Bar," and not having heard the toast distinctly, got up. On which the late bishop whispered to Baron Alderson, "What is Campbell about? What is he returning thanks for the Navy for?" "Oh," answered the witty judge, "he has made a mistake. He thinks the word is spelt with a K."

J. C. Young, Diary.

ONG-birds darted about, some inky As coal, some snowy (I ween) as curds; Or rosy as pinks, or as roses pinky— They reck of no eerie To-come, these birds! But they skim over bents which the mill-stream washes, Or hang in the lift 'neath a white cloud's hem; They need no parasols, no goloshes; And good Mrs. Trimmer she feedeth them.

C. S. Calverley, Fly Leaves.

HE man who's fond precociously of stirring Must be a spoon.

Thomas Hood.

ON ONE PETER AND HIS WIFE.

UTRAGEOUS hourly with his wife was Peter; Some do aver he has been known to beat her. "She seems unhappy," said a friend one day; Peter turn'd sharply: "What is that you say? Her temper you have there misunderstood: She dares not be unhappy if she would."

Walter Savage Landor.

MAN who puts a non-natural strained sense on a promise is no better than a robber.

Rev. A. Debarry, in George Eliot's Felix Holt.

DISTICH.

HAT is a first love worth except to prepare for a second? What does the second love bring? Only regret for the first.

John Hay, Poems.

N [Lady Charlotte Lindsay's] later days, when once complimented on looking very well, she replied, "I dare say it's true—the bloom of ugliness is past."

Lord Houghton, Monographs.

IN VIRTUTEM.

IRTUE we praise, yet practise not her good. (Athenian-like) we act not what we know. So many men do talk of Robin Hood Who never yet shot arrow from his bow.

Thomas Freeman (circa 1591-1614).

CANDAL—what one half the world takes a pleasure in inventing, and the other half in believing.

Horace Smith, The Tin Trumpet.

LL'S for the best, indeed Such is My simple creed; Still I must go and weed Hard in my garden.

Frederick Locker, London Lyrics.

HERE'S the use of talking to a woman with babbies? She's got no conscience—no conscience—it's all run to milk.

Bartle Massey, in George Eliot's Adam Bede.

OGETHER must we seek That undiscovered country, from whose bourn No uncommercial travellers return.

Brutus, in G. O. Trevelyan's Horace at Athens.

HE Mormon's religion is singular, and his wives are plural.

C. F. Browne, Artemus Ward's Lecture.

T morning's call The small-voiced pug-dog welcomes in the sun, And flea-bit mongrels, wakening one by one, Give answer all. When evening dim Draws round us, then the lovely caterwaul, Tart solo, sour duet, and general squall, These are our hymn.

Oliver Wendell Holmes.

HARLES LAMB was sitting next some chattering woman at dinner. Observing he didn't attend to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be at all the better for what I have been saying to you." "No, ma'am," he answered, "but this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at one ear and went out at the other."

Thomas Moore, Diary.

ORTY times over let Michaelmas pass, Grizzling hair the brain doth clear— Then you know a boy is an ass, Then you know the worth of a lass, Once you have come to Forty Year.

W. M. Thackeray.

EN are not troubled to hear a man dispraised, because they know, though he be naught, there's worth in others. But women are mightily troubled to hear any one of them spoken against, as if the sex itself were guilty of some untrustworthiness.

Selden, Table Talk.

'TWAS EVER THUS.

NEVER rear'd a young gazelle, (Because, you see, I never tried); But, had it known and loved me well, No doubt the creature would have died. My rich and aged uncle John Has known me long and loves me well, But still persists in living on— I would he were a young gazelle. I never loved a tree or flower; But, if I had, I beg to say The blight, the wind, the sun, or shower, Would soon have wither'd it away. I've dearly loved my uncle John, From childhood till the present hour, And yet he will go living on,— I would he were a tree or flower!

H. S. Leigh, Carols of Cockayne.

DOMESTIC WOMAN.—A woman like a domestic.

Anne Evans, Poems and Music.

he time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things; Of shoes—and ships—and sealing-wax— Of cabbages—and kings— And why the sea is boiling hot— And whether pigs have wings." "But wait a bit," the Oysters cried, "Before we have our chat; For some of us are out of breath, And all of us are fat!" "No hurry!" said the Carpenter: They thanked him much for that.

Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass.

GNORANCE is not so damnable as humbug, but when it prescribes pills it may happen to do more harm.

Felix Holt, in George Eliot's novel.

PUSH aside the blinding books; The reverend pages seem to wink; Each letter like a dozen looks, Which doesn't let a student think. Within my ears I hear a "thrum;" Before my eyes there floats a haze; And mocking shadows flit and come, And make my nights a constant daze!

Robert Reece, in Comic Poets.

RTHODOXY is at a low ebb. Only two clergymen accepted my offer to come and help hoe my potatoes for the privilege of using my vegetable total-depravity figure about the snake-grass, or quash-grass, as some call it; and these two did not bring hoes. There seems to be a lack of disposition to hoe among our educated clergy.

C. D. Warner, My Summer in a Garden.

HOME THEY BROUGHT.

OME they brought her lap-dog dead, Just run over by a fly; Jeames to Buttons, winking, said, "Won't there be a row? oh my!" Then they called the flyman low, Said his baseness could be proved, How she to the Beak should go,— Yet she neither spoke nor moved. Said her maid (and risked her place) "In the 'ouse it should have kept, Flymen drives at such a pace"— Still the lady's anger slept. Rose her husband, best of dears, Laid a bracelet on her knee, Like a playful child she boxed his ears,— "Sweet old pet!—let's have some tea!"

Shirley Brooks, Wit and Humour.

ON BLESSED IGNORANCE.

E is most happy, sure, that knoweth nought, Because he knows not that he knoweth not.

Robert Heath (circa 1585-1607).

LONE amid the festive throng One infant brow is sad! One cherub face is wet with grief,— What ails you, little lad? Why still with scarifying sleeve That woful visage scrub? Ah, much I fear, my gentle boy, You don't enjoy your grub. Here, on a sympathetic heart, Your tale of suffering pour. Come, darling! Tell me all. "Boo—boo— I can't eat any more!"

H. Cholmondeley Pennell, Puck on Pegasus.

EVER take a sheet-bath—never. Next to meeting a lady acquaintance who, for reasons best known to herself, don't see you when she looks at you, and don't know you when she sees you, it is about the most uncomfortable thing in the world.

Mark Twain, Choice Works.

HE critic's lot is passing hard— Between ourselves, I think reviewers, When call'd to truss a crowing bard, Should not be sparing of the skewers.

Frederick Locker, London Lyrics.

O-MORROW the critics will commence. You know who the critics are? The men who have failed in literature and art.

Phœbus, in Lord Beaconsfield's Lothair.

HAT climax of all human ills— The inflammation of his weekly bills.

Lord Byron, Don Juan.

N n'a guère de défauts qui ne soient plus pardonnables que les moyens dont on se sert pour les cacher.

La Rochefoucauld, Réflexions.

EETING a friend one day, when the weather had taken a most sudden and unaccountable turn from cold to warmth, the subject was mooted as usual, and characterized by the gentleman as being "most extraordinary." "Yes," replied [Compton], "it is a most unheard of thing; we've jumped from winter into summer without a spring."

Memoir of Henry Compton.

RAY what is this Permissive Bill, That some folks rave about? I can't with all my pains and skill, Its meaning quite make out?" O! it's a little simple Bill, That seeks to pass incog., To permit ME—to prevent YOU— From having a glass of grog.

Lord Neaves, Songs and Verses.

UELQUE mal qu'un homme puisse penser des femmes, il n'y a pas de femme qui n'en pense encore plus mal que lui.

Chamfort, Maximes.

ITH thy fogs, all so thick and so yellow, The most approved tint for ennui, Oh, when shall a man see thy fellow, November, for felo-de-se?

J. R. Planché, Songs and Poems.

IFE," continued Mr. Rose, "is a series of moments and emotions." "And a series of absurdities, too, very often," said Dr. Jenkinson. "Life is a solemn mystery," said Mr. Stocks, severely. "Life is a damned nuisance," muttered Leslie to himself.

W. H. Mallock, The New Republic.

HE world's an ugly world. Offend Good people, how they wrangle! Their manners that they never mend,— The characters they mangle! They eat, and drink, and scheme, and plod,— They go to church on Sunday; And many are afraid of God— And more of Mrs. Grundy.

Frederick Locker, London Lyrics.

WENT away the first, in order to give the men an opportunity of abusing me; for whenever the men abuse, the women, to support alike their coquetry and the conversation, think themselves called upon to defend.

Pelham, in Lord Lytton's novel.

HERE'S one John Bright, a Manchester man, Who taught the Tories to rule, By setting their stamp on his patent plan For renewing the youth of John Bull; But I say that it won't do at all. To seek for salvation By mere numeration Of polls would surprise, If they were to rise, Not a little both Plato and Paul.

J. S. Blackie, Musa Burschicosa.

NE femme vertueuse a dans le cœur une fibre du moins ou de plus que les autres femmes; elle est stupide ou sublime.

Balzac, Physiologie du Mariage.

ON SCOTCH WEATHER.

COTLAND! thy weather's like a modish wife; Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife; Like thee the termagants their blustering try, And, when they can no longer scold, they cry.

Aaron Hill (1685-1750).

ENT with Lamb to Richman's. Richman produced one of Chatterton's forgeries. In one manuscript there were seventeen different kinds of e's. "Oh," said Lamb, "that must have been written by one of the— 'Mob of gentlemen who write with ease.'"

Crabb Robinson, Diary.

SCIRE TUUM NIHIL FIT.

O have a thing is little, if you're not allowed to show it, And to know a thing is nothing, unless others know you know it.

Lord Neaves.

OU'RE at an evening party, with A group of pleasant folks,— You venture quietly to crack The least of little jokes,— A lady doesn't catch the point, And begs you to explain,— Alas! for one who drops a jest And takes it up again! You drop a pretty jeu-de-mot Into a neighbour's ears, Who likes to give you credit for The clever things he hears; And so he hawks your jest about, The old, authentic one, Just breaking off the point of it, And leaving out the pun!

John Godfrey Saxe, Poems.

ONTROND'S] death was a very wretched one. Left alone to the tender mercies of a well-known "lorette" of those days, Desirée R——, as he lay upon his bed, between fits of pain and drowsiness, he could see his fair friend picking from his shelves the choicest specimens of his old Sèvres china, or other articles of vertu. Turning to his doctor, he said, with a gleam of his old fun, "Qu'elle est attachante, cette femme-là!"

Gronow, Recollections.

E love thee, Ann Maria Smith, And in thy condescension We see a future full of joys Too numerous to mention. There's Cupid's arrow in thy glance, That by thy love's coercion Has reached our melting heart of hearts, And asked for one insertion. There's music in thy honest tone, And silver in thy laughter; And truth—but we will give the full Particulars hereafter.

R. H. Newell, Orpheus C. Kerr Papers.

F course you know the three reasons which take men into society in London?" I said, after a pause. "No, I don't. What are they?" "Either to find a wife, or to look after one's wife, or to look after somebody else's."

L. Oliphant, Piccadilly.

ON ONE WHO HAD A LARGE NOSE AND SQUINTED.

HE reason why Doctor Dash squints, I suppose, Is because his two eyes are afraid of his nose.

Anon., in Moore's Diary.

EVER attack whole bodies of any kind. Individuals forgive sometimes; but bodies and societies never do.

Lord Chesterfield, Letters to his Son.

ON THE RIGHTS OF MINORITIES.

TURDY Tom Paine, biographers relate, Once with his friends engaged in warm debate. Said they, "Minorities are always right;" Said he, "The truth is just the opposite." Finding them stubborn, "Frankly, now," said he, "In this opinion do ye all agree; All, every one, without exception?" When They thus affirmed unanimously, "Then, Correct," said he, "my sentiment must be, For I myself am the minority."

R. Garnett, Idylls and Epigrams.

HE Indians on the Overland Route live on route and herbs. They are an intemperate people. They drink with impunity, or anybody who invites them.

C. F. Browne, Artemus Ward's Lecture.

ON ONE WEARING FALSE HAIR.

HEY say that thou dost tinge (O monstrous lie!) The hair that thou so raven-black dost buy.

Lucilius, trans. by R. Garnett.

NATION does wisely if not well, in starving her men of genius. Fatten them, and they are done for.

Charles Buxton, Notes of Thought.

HEN the enterprising burglar's not a-burgling, When the cut-throat isn't occupied with crime He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling, And listen to the merry village chime. When the coster's finished jumping on his mother, He loves to lie a-basking in the sun— Oh! take one consideration with another, The policeman's lot is not a happy one!

W. S. Gilbert, Pirates of Penzance.

HE young girl said: "The gentleman must be very rich, for he is very ugly." The public judges in a similar manner: "The man must be very learned, for he is very tiresome."

Heinrich Heine, Thoughts and Fancies.

ND he chirped and sang, and skipped about, and laughed with laughter hearty, He was so wonderfully active for so very stout a party. And I said, "O gentle pie-man, why so very, very merry? Is it purity of conscience, or your one-and-seven sherry?"

W. S. Gilbert, Bab Ballads.

PECULATION—a word that sometimes begins with its second letter.

Horace Smith, The Tin Trumpet.

E remembers the ball at the Ferry, And the ride, and the gate, and the vow, And the rose that you gave him—that very Same rose he is treasuring now (Which his blanket he's kicked on his trunk, Miss, And insists on his legs being free; And his language to me from his bunk, Miss, Is frequent and painful and free).

Bret Harte, Complete Works.

OUS ne trouvons guère de gens de bons sens que ceux qui sont de notre avis.

La Rochefoucauld, Réflexions.

FRENCH AND ENGLISH.

HE French excel us very much in millinery; They also bear the bell in matters culinary. The reason's plain: French beauty and French meat With English cannot of themselves compete. Thus, an inferior article possessing, Our neighbours help it by superior dressing; They dress their dishes, and they dress their dames, Till Art, almost, can rival Nature's claims.

Lord Neaves, Songs and Verses.

RIORITY is a poor recommendation in a husband if he has got no other.

Mrs. Cadwallader, in George Eliot's Middlemarch.

F spirits you would lighten Consult good Doctor Brighton, And swallow his prescriptions and abide by his decree: If nerves be weak or shaken Just try a week with Bacon, His physic soon is taken— At our London-by-the-Sea.

J. Ashby Sterry, Boudoir Ballads.

HE then Duke of Cumberland (the foolish Duke, as he was called) came one night into Foote's green-room at the Haymarket Theatre. "Well, Foote," said he, "here I am, ready, as usual, to swallow your good things." "Upon my soul," replied Foote, "your Royal Highness must have an excellent digestion, for you never bring any up again."

Rogers, Table Talk.

HERE'S folks born to property, and there's folks catch hold on it; and the law's made for them as catch hold.

Tommy Trounsem, in George Eliot's Felix Holt.

XAMINING one of the Sunday school boys at Addington, I asked him what a prophet was. He did not know. "If I were to tell you what would happen to you this day twelve month, and it should come to pass, what would you call me then, my little man?" "A fortune-teller, sir."

R. H. Barham, Diary.

OME take a lover, some take drams or prayers; Some play the devil, and then write a novel.

Lord Byron, Don Juan.

EING one day at Trinity College, at dinner, [Donne] was asked to write a motto for the College snuff-box, which was always circulating on the dinner-table. "Considering where we are," said Donne, "there could be nothing better than 'Quicunque vult.'"

Crabb Robinson, Diary.

RITICS tell me, soon There'll be no singing in a song, No melody in tune. But birds will warble in the trees, Nor for the critics care; And in the murmur of the breeze We yet may find some air.

J. R. Planché, Songs and Poems.

R. BENTLEY proposed to establish a periodical publication, to be called "The Wits' Miscellany." [James] Smith objected that the title promised too much. Shortly afterwards the publisher came to tell him he had profited by the hint, and resolved to call it "Bentley's Miscellany." "Isn't that going a little too far the other way?" was the remark.

Abraham Hayward, Essays.

REAK, break, break! My cups and saucers, O scout; And I'm glad that my tongue can't utter The oaths that my soul points out. It is well for the china-shop man Who gets a fresh order each day; And it's deucedly well for yourself, Who are in the said china-man's pay. And my stately vases go To your uncle's, I ween, to be cashed; And it's oh for the light of my broken lamp, And the tick of my clock that is smashed. Break, break, break! At the foot of my stairs in glee; But the coin I have spent in glass that is cracked Will never come back to me.

The Shotover Papers.

ROLY said very smart things, and with surprising readiness. I was at his table one day when one of the guests inquired the name of a pyramidal dish of barley-sugar. Some one replied, "A pyramid à Macédoine." "For what use?" rejoined the other. "To give a Philip to the appetite," said Croly.

W. H. Harrison, Reminiscences.

ON SOME VERSES CALLED TRIFLES.

AUL, I have read your book, and though you write ill, I needs must praise your most judicious title.

Anon.

RS. POSH was one of those incomparable wives who have a proper command of tongue, who never reply to angry words at the moment, and who always, with exquisite calm and self-posession, pay off every angry word by an amiable sting at the right moment.

Lord Lytton, What will he do with it?

TO LADY BROWN.

HEN I was young and débonnaire, The brownest nymph to me was fair; But now I'm old, and wiser grown, The fairest nymph to me is Brown.

George, Lord Lyttleton.

HEN last the Queen was about to be confined, the Prince Consort said to one of his little boys, "I think it very likely, my dear, that the Queen will present you with a little brother or sister; which of the two would you prefer?" The child, pausing—"Well, I think, if it is all the same to mamma, I should prefer a pony."

J. C. Young, Diary.

OME ladies now make pretty songs, And some make pretty nurses: Some men are great at righting wrongs,— And some at writing verses.

Frederick Locker, London Lyrics.

OLLOW the light of the old-fashioned Presbyterians that I've heard sing at Glasgow. The preacher gives out the Psalm, and then everybody sings a different tune, as it happens to turn up in their throats. It's a domineering thing to set a tune and expect everybody else to follow it. It's a denial of private judgment.

Felix Holt, in George Eliot's novel.

ON A CERTAIN RADICAL.

LOGGS rails against high birth. Yes, Bloggs—you see Your ears are longer than your pedigree.

James Hannay, Sketches and Characters.

LIKE neighbours, and I like chickens; but I do not think they ought to be united near a garden.

C. D. Warner, My Summer in a Garden.

ADY, very fair are you, And your eyes are very blue, And your hose; And your brow is like the snow, And the various things you know Goodness knows.

Mortimer Collins, Ad Chloen, M.A.

HE Jacobins, in realizing their systems of fraternization, always contrived to be the elder brothers.

Guesses at Truth.

ARELESS rhymer, it is true That my favourite colour's blue; But am I To be made a victim, sir, If to puddings I prefer Cambridge π ?

Mortimer Collins, Chloe, M.A.

ANDIDE Found life most tolerable after meals.

Lord Byron, Don Juan.

OMEN, and men who are like women, mind the binding more than the book.

Lord Chesterfield, Letters to his Son.

HERE was gorging Jack and guzzling Jimmy, And the youngest he was little Billee. Now when they got as far as the Equator They'd nothing left but one split pea. Says gorging Jack to guzzling Jimmy, "I am extremely hungaree." To gorging Jack says guzzling Jimmy, "We've nothing left, us must eat we." Says gorging Jack to guzzling Jimmy, "With one another we shouldn't agree! There's little Bill he's young and tender, We're old and tough, so let's eat he."

W. M. Thackeray.

"WHAT AILS HIM AT THE LASSIE?"

FRIEND tells me a funny little story of Mrs. —— (the grandmother of Colonel M——), who was shown a picture of Joseph and Potiphar's wife, in which of course the patriarch showed his usual desire to withdraw himself from her society. Mrs. —— looked at it for a little while, and then said, "Eh, now, and what ails him at the lassie?"

Frederick Locker, Patchwork.

N his last illness, reduced as he was to a skeleton, [Hood] noticed a very large mustard poultice which Mrs. Hood was making for him, and exclaimed, "O Mary! Mary! that will be a great deal of mustard to a very little meat!"

J. R. Planché, Recollections.

THE LATEST DECALOGUE.

HOU shalt have one God only: who Would be at the expense of two? No graven images may be Worshipped, except the currency: Swear not at all; for, for thy curse, Thine enemy is none the worse: At church on Sunday to attend Will serve to keep the world thy friend: Honour thy parents; that is, all From whom advancement may befall: Thou shalt not kill; but needst not strive Officiously to keep alive: Do not adultery commit; Advantage rarely comes of it: Thou shalt not steal; an empty feat, When it's so lucrative to cheat: Bear not false witness; let the lie Have time on its own wings to fly: Thou shalt not covet, but tradition Approves all forms of competition.

A. H. Clough, Poems.

R. MACCULLOCH, the eminent political economist, in dining with us, a few days after [an aeronautical friend had made an ascent], was most anxious to learn where he had descended on this occasion. The answer was, "Amongst the flats of Essex." "A most appropriate locality," said my distinguished countryman, "and one which shows how true it is that 'birds of a feather flock together.'"

Mark Boyd, Reminiscences.

E said that I was proud, mother,—that I looked for rank and gold; He said I did not love him,—he said my words were cold; He said I kept him off and on, in hopes of higher game,— And it may be that I did, mother; but who hasn't done the same? You may lay me in my bed, mother,—my head is throbbing sore; And, mother, prithee, let the sheets be duly aired before; And if you'd do a kindness to your poor desponding child, Draw me a pot of beer, mother—and, mother, draw it mild!

Bon Gaultier Ballads.

OLTAIRE was a very good Jesus Christ—for the French.

Charles Lamb, apud Leigh Hunt.

ON A THEATRICAL NUISANCE:

ERCHED in a box which cost her not a sou, Giglina chatters all the evening through, Fidgets with opera-glass, and flowers, and shawls, Annoys the actors, irritates the stalls. Forgive her harmless pride—the cause is plain— She wants us all to know she's had champagne.

Shirley Brooks, Wit and Humour.

, I know the way o' wives; they set one on to abuse their husbands, and then they turn round on one and praise 'em as if they wanted to sell 'em.

Priscilla Lammeter, in George Eliot's Mill on the Floss.

ND hast thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!" He chortled in his joy. 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogroves, And the mome raths outgrabe.

Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass.

RS. WORDSWORTH and a lady were walking once in a wood where the stock-dove was cooing. A farmer's wife coming by, said, "Oh, I do like stock-doves!" Mrs. Wordsworth, in all her enthusiasm for Wordsworth's beautiful address to the stock-dove, took the old woman to her heart. "But," continued the old woman, "some like 'em in a pie; for my part there's nothing like 'em stewed in onions!"

B. R. Haydon, Diary.

TO AN AUTHOR.

N spite of hints, in spite of looks, Titus, I send thee not my books. The reason, Titus, canst divine? I fear lest thou shouldst send me thine.

Martial, trans. by R. Garnett.

FRIEND, who was about to marry the natural daughter of the Duke de ——, was expatiating at great length on the virtues, good qualities, and talents of his future wife, but without making allusion to her birth. "A t'entendre," observed Montrond, "on dirait que tu épouses une fille surnaturelle."

Gronow, Recollections.

EADING new books is like eating new bread: One can bear it at first, but by gradual steps he Is brought to death's door of a mental dyspepsy.

J. R. Lowell, A Fable for Critics.

Casey mentioned to me a parody of his on two lines in the "Veiled Prophet":—

"He knew no more of fear than one who dwells Beneath the tropics knows of icicles."

The following is his parody, which, bless my stars, none of my critics were lively enough to hit upon, for it would have stuck by me:—

"He knew no more of fear than one who dwells On Scotia's mountains knows of shoe-buckles."

Thomas Moore, Diary.

HY mourns my Eugene? In his dark eye of blue Why trembles the tear-drop to sympathy due? Ah, why must a bosom so pure and refin'd Thus vibrate, all nerve, at the woes of mankind? Like a sunbeam the clouds of the tempest between, A smile lights the eye of the pensive Eugene; And thus, in soft accents, the mourner replies, "Hang your mustard! it brings the tears in my eyes!"

R. H. Barham, Ingoldsby Lyrics.

RESS does not make a man, but it often makes a successful one. What all men should avoid is the "shabby genteel." No man ever gets over it. You had better be in rags.

Vigo, in Lord Beaconsfield's Endymion.

N moss-prankt dells which the sunbeams flatter (And Heaven it knoweth what that may mean; Meaning, however, is no great matter) Where woods are a-tremble, with rifts atween; Thro' God's own heather we wonn'd together, I and my Willie (O love, my love!): I need hardly remark it was glorious weather, And flitter-bats waver'd alow, above. Boats were curtsying, rising, bowing (Boats in that climate are so polite), And sands were a ribbon of green endowing, And O the sun-dazzle on bark and bight. Thro' the rare red heather we danced together, (O love, my Willie!) and smelt for flowers: I must mention again it was glorious weather, Rhymes are so scarce in this world of ours.

C. S. Calverley, Fly Leaves.

IS ridiculous for a lord to print verses. It is well enough to make them to please himself, but to make them public is foolish. If a man in his private chamber twirls his bandstrings, or plays with a rush to please himself, 'tis well enough, but if he should go into Fleet Street, and sit upon a stall, and twirl a bandstring, or play with a rush, then all the boys in the street would laugh at him.

Selden, Table Talk.

ERE, in the grassy hollow, would be spread The snowy cloth—dimpled with various viands. Ah! cleanly damask of our native land! Ah! pleasant memory of pigeon-pie, Short-crusted—savoury-jellied—flow'ry-yolked! Ah! fair white-bosomed fowl with tawny tongue Well married! lobster-salad, crisp and cool, With polished silver from clean crockery Forked up—washed down with drinks that make me now Thirsty to think of. Yes, with ginger-pop These crags should echo. Ah! rare golden gleam Of sack in silver goblets gilt within!— Bright evanescent raptures of champagne— Brisk bottled stout in pewters creamy-crowned!

G. J. Cayley, Las Alforgas.

AY, as the witty Duke of Buckingham did to the dog that bit him, "I wish you were married, and went to live in the country."

Ellesmere, in Helps' Friends in Council.

ROQUET— A dainty and difficult sport in its way. Thus I counsel the sage, who to play at it stoops, Belabour thy neighbour and spoon through thy hoops.

Frederick Locker, London Lyrics.

E are never so thoroughly tired of the company of any one else as we are sometimes of our own.

W. Hazlitt, Characteristics.

ON A VERY TRIFLING FELLOW BEING KNIGHTED.

HAT! Dares made a knight! No, don't be frighted; He only lost his way, and was be-nighted.

Richard Graves (1715-1804).

ATAN was a blunderer, an introducer of novità, who made a stupendous failure. If he had succeeded, we should all have been worshipping him, and his portrait would have been more flattered.

Machiavelli, in George Eliot's Romola.

OU see the goodly hair that Galla wears; 'Tis certain her own hair: who would have thought it? She swears it is her own, and true she swears, For hard by Temple Bar last day she bought it.

Sir John Haryngton (1561-1612).

HE worst of human maladies are the most transient also—love that is half despairing, and seasickness that is quite so.

Leslie, in Mallock's New Republic.

ON A SMALL EATER.

IMPLICITY is best, 'tis true, But not in every mortal's power: If thou, O maid, canst live on dew, 'Tis proof thou art indeed a flower.

R. Garnett, Idylls and Epigrams.

N Walpole's remarking that, of two pictures mentioned, one was "a shade above the other in point of merit," [Hook] replied: "I presume you mean to say it was a shade over (chef d'œuvre)."

R. H. Barham, Diary.

HE nightingales are all about— Their song is everywhere— Their notes are lovely (though they're out So often in the air). The zephyr, dancing through the tops Of ash and poplar, weaves Low melodies, and scarcely stops To murmur "By your leaves!" Night steeps the passions of the day In quiet, peace, and love. Pale Dian, in her tranquil way, Kicks up a shine above.

H. S. Leigh, Carols of Cockayne.

INDER—a thin rag; such, for instance, as the dresses of modern females, intended to catch the sparks, raise a flame, and light up a match.

Horace Smith, The Tin Trumpet.

ON DRESS.

E who a gold-finch strives to make his wife Makes her, perhaps, a wag-tail all her life.

A Collection of Epigrams (1727).

F Lafayette]: The world is surprised that there was once an honest man: the situation remains vacant.

Heinrich Heine, Thoughts and Fancies.

ON AILING AND ALE-ING.

OME, come, for trifles never stick: Most servants have a failing; Yours, it is true, are sometimes sick, But mine are always ale-ing.

Henry Luttrell.

IR GEORGE ROSE, being introduced one day to two charming young ladies, whose names were Mary and Louisa, instantly added, with a bow, "Ah, yes! Marie-Louise—the sweetest pear I know!"

Macmillan's Magazine.

TO A CRUEL FAIR ONE.

IS done; I yield; adieu, thou cruel fair! Adieu, th' averted face, th' ungracious cheek! I go to die, to finish all my care, To hang—to hang?—yes, round another's neck.

Leigh Hunt (from the French).

ISHOP (reproving delinquent Page). "Wretched boy! Who is it that sees and hears all we do, and before whom even I am but as a crushed worm?" Page. "The Missus, my Lord!"

Punch.

ON DRUNKEN COURAGE.

HO only in his cups will fight is like A clock that must be oil'd well ere it strikes.

Thomas Bancroft (circa 1600).

ALKING to —— is like playing long whist.

Lady Ashburton, apud Lord Houghton.

CERBERUS.

Y dog, who picks up everything one teaches, Has got "three heads," like Mr. Gladstone's speeches, But, as might naturally be expected, His are considerably more connected.

H. J. Byron, in English Epigrams.

LESSED be the word "nice"!—it is the copper coin of commendation. Without it, we should have to praise more handsomely.

Charles Buxton, Notes of Thought.

ON NEWGATE WINDOWS.

LL Newgate windows bay windows they be; All lookers out there stand at bay we see.

John Heywood (1506-1565).

T was a grand scene, Mr. Artemus Ward standing on the platform; many of the audience sleeping tranquilly in their seats; others leaving the room and not returning; others crying like a child at some of the jokes,—all, all formed a most impressive scene, and showed the powers of this remarkable orator. And when he announced that he should never lecture in that town again, the applause was absolutely deafening.

C. F. Browne, Artemus Ward's Lecture.

THE REASONS FOR DRINKING.

F all be true that I do think, There are five reasons we should drink: Good wine; a friend; or being dry; Or lest we should be by-and-by; Or any other reason why.

Henry Aldrich.

ARHAM] having expressed himself in terms of abhorrence of a piece of baseness and treachery which came under his notice, he was addressed by the delinquent with—"Well, sir, perhaps some day you may come to change your opinion of me!" "Perhaps I may, sir," was the reply; "for if I should find any one who holds a more contemptible opinion of you than I do myself, I should lay down my own and take up his."

R. H. D. Barham, Life of Barham.

FALSE LOVE'S QUIRK.

H, sweet one!" sighs the lover, "Could I but this discover,— Thy breast so softly moving, Will it ever cease from loving?" Says she, her eyes upturning, "The love within me burning No time can ever smother"— For some one or another!

Lord Southesk, Greenwood's Farewell.

ENJAMIN CONSTANT, on some one asking (with reference to his book on religion) how he managed to reconcile the statements of his latter volumes with those of his first, published so long ago, answered, "Il n'y a rien qui s'arrange aussi facilement que les faits."

Thomas Moore, Diary.

'M told that virgins augur some Misfortune if their shoe-strings come To grief on Friday: And so did Di, and then her pride Decreed that shoe-strings so untied Are "so untidy!"

Frederick Locker, London Lyrics.

N one occasion the late Lady Holland took [Luttrell] a drive in her carriage over a rough road; and as she was very nervous, she insisted on being driven at a foot's pace. This ordeal lasted some hours, and when he was at last released, poor Luttrell, perfectly exasperated, rushed into the nearest club-house, and exclaimed, clenching his teeth and hands, "The very funerals passed us!"

Gronow, Recollections.

TO A YOUNG LADY.

N original something dear maid, you would win me To write, but how shall I begin? For I fear I have nothing original in me— Excepting Original Sin.

Thomas Campbell.

A société est un état de guerre, réglé par les lois.

L'Art de Parvenir.

ERCHANCE it was her eyes of blue, Her cheeks that might the rose have shamed, Her figure in proportion true To all the rules by artists framed; Perhaps it was her mental worth That made her lover love her so, Perhaps her name, or wealth, or birth,— I cannot tell—I do not know. He may have had a rival, who Did fiercely gage him to a duel, And being the luckiest of the two Defeated him with triumph cruel; Then she may have proved false, and turned To welcome to her arms his foe, Left him despairing, conquer'd, spurned,— I cannot tell—I do not know.

Songs of Singularity.

T is of no use to tell a neighbour that his hens eat your tomatoes: it makes no impression on him, for the tomatoes are not his. The best way is to casually remark to him that he has a fine lot of chickens, pretty well grown, and that you like spring chickens broiled. He will take them away at once.

C. D. Warner, My Summer in a Garden.

NE persuaded his friend to marry a little woman, because of evils the least was to be chosen.

Conceits, Clinches, etc. (1639).

HARLES KEMBLE used to tell a story about some poor foreigner, dancer or pantomimist in the country, who, after many annual attempts to clear his expenses, came forward one evening with a face beaming with pleasure and gratitude, and addressed the audience in these words:—"Dear Public! moche oblige. Ver good benefice—only lose half-a-crown. I come again!"

J. R. Planché, Recollections.

ET'S show," said M'Clan, "to this Sassenach loon That the bag-pipes can play him a regular tune. Let's see," said M'Clan, as he thoughtfully sat, "'In my Cottage' is easy—I'll practise at that." He blew at his "Cottage," and blew with a will, For a year, seven months, and a fortnight, until (You'll hardly believe it) M'Clan, I declare, Elicited something resembling an air. It was wild—it was fitful—as wild as the breeze— It wandered about into several keys; It was jerky, spasmodic, and harsh, I'm aware; But still it distinctly suggested an air.

W. S. Gilbert, Bab Ballads.

LL men are brothers—Cains and Abels.

Anon.

HE blameless king Rising again (to Lancelot's discontent, Who held all speeches a tremendous bore), Said, "If one duty to be done remains, And 'tis neglected, all the rest is nought But Dead Sea apples and the acts of Apes." Smiled Guinevere, and begged him not to preach; She knew that duty, and it should be done; So what of pudding on that festal night Was not consumed by Arthur and his guests, The queen upon the following morning fried.

Shirley Brooks, Wit and Humour.

NE way of getting an idea of our fellow-countrymen's miseries is to go and look at their pleasures.

George Eliot, Felix Holt.

TO A RICH LADY.

WILL not ask if thou canst touch The tuneful ivory key,— Those silent notes of thine are such As quite suffice for me. I'll make no question if thy skill The pencil comprehends;— Enough for me, love, if thou still Canst draw—thy dividends.

Punch.

T the Duke of Wellington's funeral, the little child of a friend of mine was standing with her mother at Lord Ashburton's window to see the mournful pageant. During the passage of the procession, she made no remark until the duke's horse was led by, its saddle empty, and his boots reversed in the stirrups, when she looked up in her mother's face and said, "Mamma, when we die, will there be nothing left of us but boots?"

J. C. Young, Diary.

UCH power hath Beer. The heart which Grief hath canker'd Hath one unfailing remedy—the tankard.

C. S. Calverley, Verses and Translations.

INED with Mr. (Sydney) Smith. He told me of the motto he had proposed for Bishop Burgess's arms, in allusion to his brother, the well-known fish-sauce projector:

"Gravi jamdudum saucia curâ."

R. H. Barham, Life.

NE'S self-satisfaction is an untaxed kind of property which it is very unpleasant to find depreciated.

George Eliot, Middlemarch.

Y lord cannot stand Treeby more than two days, and Treeby cannot stand my lord for a longer period, and that is why they are such friends." "A sound basis of agreement," said Lord Roehampton. "I believe absence is a great element of charm."

Lord Beaconsfield, Endymion.

SALAD.

COOL in the summer is salad, And warm in the winter is love; And a poet shall sing you a ballad Delicious thereon and thereof. A singer I am, if no sinner, My muse has a marvellous wing, And I willingly worship at dinner The Sirens of Spring. Take Endive—like love it is bitter, Take beet—for like love it is red, Crisp leaf of the lettuce shall glitter, And cress from the rivulet's bed: Anchovies, foam-born, like the lady Whose beauty has maddened this bard; And olives, from groves that are shady; And eggs—boil 'em hard.

Mortimer Collins, The British Birds.

UERY, whether churches are not dormitories of the living as well as of the dead?

Swift, Thoughts.

HE Mock Turtle said, "No wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise." "Wouldn't it, really?" said Alice, in a tone of great surprise. "Of course not," said the Mock Turtle; "why, if a fish came to me, and told me he was going a journey, I should say, 'With what porpoise?'" "Don't you mean 'purpose?'" said Alice. "I mean what I say," the Mock Turtle replied, in an offended tone.

Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland.

ILL'ST dou learn de Deutsche Sprache? If a shendleman dou art, Denn strike right indo Deutschland, Und get a schveetes-heart. From Schwabenland or Sachsen, Vhere now dis writer pees; Und de bretty girls all wachsen Shoost like aepples on de drees. Boot if dou bee'st a laty, Denn, on de oder hand, Take a blonde moustachioed lofer In de vine green Sherman land. Und if you shoost kit married (Vood mit vood soon makes a vire), You'll learn to sprechen Deutsch, mein kind, Ash fast ash you tesire.

C. G. Leland, Breitmann Ballads.

HE Bishop of St. David's has been studying Welsh all the summer; it is a difficult language, and I hope he will be careful,—it is so easy for him to take up the Funeral Service and read it over the next wedding-party, or to make a mistake in a tense in a Confirmation, and the children will have renounced their godfathers and godmothers and got nothing in their place.

Sydney Smith, apud Lord Houghton.

EAUTIFUL soup, so rich and green, Waiting in a hot tureen! Who for such dainties would not stoop? Soup of the evening, beautiful soup! Soup of the evening, beautiful soup! Beautiful soup! Who cares for fish, Game, or any other dish? Who would not give all else for two p Ennyworth only of beautiful soup? Pennyworth only of beautiful soup?

Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland.

RITING to Manning, Charles Lamb says: "—— says he could write like Shakespeare if he had a mind—so you see nothing is wanting but the mind."

Crabb Robinson, Diary.

ON BALLS AND OPERAS.

F by their names we things should call, It surely would be properer To term a singing-piece a bawl, A dancing-piece a hopperer!

Anon.

MONG all forms of mistake, prophecy is the most gratuitous.

George Eliot, Middlemarch.

ON LOVE.

OVE levels all—it elevates the clown, And often brings the fattest people down.

H. J. Byron, in English Epigrams.

HE Hanoverian squires are asses who can talk of nothing but horses.

Heinrich Heine, Thoughts and Fancies.

IR George Warrender was once obliged to put off a dinner-party in consequence of the death of a relative, and sat down to a haunch of venison by himself. While eating, he said to his butler, "John, this will make a capital hash to-morrow." "Yes, Sir George, if you leave off now!"

R. H. Barham, Life.

TO CHLORIS.

HLORIS, I swear, by all I ever swore, That from this hour I shall not love thee more. "What! love no more? oh, why this altered vow?" Because I cannot love thee more—than now.

Thomas Moore.

OU close your petition with the words: "And we will ever pray." I think you had better—you need to do it.

Mark Twain, Choice Works.

USBANDS, more covetous than sage, Condemn this china-buying rage; They count that woman's prudence little Who sets her heart on things so brittle.

John Gay, Poems.

MBRELLA—an article which, by the morality of society, you may steal from friend or foe, and which, for the same reason, you should not lend to either.

Horace Smith, The Tin Trumpet.

A curiosité n'est que la vanité. Le plus souvent on ne veut savoir que pour en parler.

Pascal, Pensées.

HOW unlike our shores, Where with ten thousand tongues each city roars! There to all men, whate'er their age or walk, Life's one great solemn business is to talk. There what the penny press by morning write Is echoed for a halfpenny at night: There stump young Ministers; old Maids debate; There loud Professors scold like Billingsgate: There, as the World into the Church expands, A moral Atheist spouts in parson's bands; And poets, doubtful of the parts of speech, Desperate of rhyme, acquire the art to preach.

Windbag, in Courthope's Paradise of Birds.

RINCE METTERNICH said to Lord Dudley, "You are the only Englishman I know who speaks good French. It is remarked, the common people in Vienna speak better than the educated men in London." "That may well be," replied Lord Dudley. "Your Highness should recollect that Buonaparte has not been twice in London to teach them."

Crabb Robinson, Diary.

HEN a felon's not engaged in his employment, Or maturing his felonious little plans, His capacity for innocent enjoyment Is just as great as any honest man's.

W. S. Gilbert, Pirates of Penzance.

HE'S an angel in a frock With a fascinating cock To her nose.

Frederick Locker, London Lyrics.

O speak highly of one with whom we are intimate is a species of egotism.

W. Hazlitt, Characteristics.

HE annals of our native land were lapsed in doubt and mystery, Till Mr. Freeman t'other day discovered English History, And now admonishes the world it is his fixed intention To make it a monopoly and patent the invention.

F. D., in Pall Mall Gazette.

T is rather sad," sighed Virginia, as she dived into a box of French chocolate-creams, "to think that all the poor people are drowned that these things belonged to." "They are not dead," said the Professor: "they still live on this holy and stupendous earth. They live in the use we are making of all they had got together. The owner of those chocolate-creams is immortal because you are eating them." Virginia licked her lips, and said, "Nonsense!" "It is not nonsense," said the Professor. "It is the religion of Humanity."

W. H. Mallock, The New Paul and Virginia.

HE sort of fun I witnessed there was "awful;" Buffoonery devoid of all That makes an art of folly, Music that was "most music-hall," To hear "most melancholy."

J. R. Planché, Songs and Poems.

OU are a woman; you must never speak what you think: your words must contradict your thoughts: but your actions may contradict your words. So, when I ask you if you can love me, you must say no; but you must love me too. If I tell you you are handsome, you must deny it, and say I flatter you; and you must think yourself more charming than I speak you, and like me for the beauty I say you have, as much as if I had it myself.

Tattle, in Congreve's Love for Love.

EAR Poet, do not rhyme at all! But if you must, don't tell your neighbour, Or five in six, who cannot scrawl, Will dub you donkey for your labour. Be patient, but be sure you won't Win vogue without extreme vexation; Yet hope for sympathy,—but don't Expect it from a near relation.

Frederick Locker, London Lyrics.

OUS pardonnons souvent à ceux qui nous ennuient; mais nous ne pouvons pardonner à ceux qui nous ennuyons.

La Rochefoucauld, Réflexions.

HERE is a phrase we oft have seen On bottle-labels writ, And those who invalids have been Best know the drift of it; It may embody in a line A world of chemic lore, And skill to portion and combine— The mixture as before. This will apply to many things, To oratory most, Addresses made to kings and queens, And wedding speech and toast; For commonplace and compliment Are mingled o'er and o'er; This saves the trouble to invent— The mixture as before.

Songs of Singularity.

HAD forgotten to mention that essay, Miss Daylmer; that is our essay on cookery,—the one we always begin with in reading to ladies; as Milverton said, "entirely within their province." I wish they paid more attention to it; but people seldom do attend to things within their province.

Ellesmere, in Helps's Friends in Council.

HERE was an old waiter at Wapping Drew corks for a week without stopping; Cried he, "It's too bad! The practice I've had! Yet cannot prevent them from popping!" There was an old priest of Peru, Who dreamt he converted a Jew; He woke in the night In a deuce of a fright, And found it was perfectly true. There was an old witch of Malacca, Who smoked such atrocious tobacca, When tigers came near, They trembled with fear, And didn't attempt to attacca.

Songs of Singularity.

WOMAN dictates before marriage in order that she may have an appetite for submission afterwards.

George Eliot, Middlemarch.

YDNEY SMITH, speaking of his being shampooed at Mahomet's Baths at Brighton in 1840, said they "squeezed enough out of him to make a lean curate."

R. H. Barham, Life.

OW brim your glass, and plant it well Beneath your nose on the table, And you will find what philosophers tell Of I and non-I is no fable. Now listen to wisdom, my son! Myself am the subject, This wine is the object: These things are two, But I'll prove to you That subject and object are one. I take this glass in my hand, and stand Upon my legs, if I can, And look and smile benign and bland, And feel that I am a man. Now stretch all the strength of your brains! I drink—and the object Is lost in the subject, Making one entity In the identity Of me, and the wine in my veins!

J. S. Blackie, Musa Burschicosa.

UNSTERS being abused, and the old joke repeated that "He who puns will pick a pocket," some one said, "Punsters themselves have no pockets." "No," said Lamb, "they carry only a ridicule."

Crabb Robinson, Diary.

T is always a pleasure to me when two of my friends like each other, just as I am always glad when two of my enemies take to fighting with each other.

Heinrich Heine, Preface to Don Quixote.

HE stood on his head on the wild sea-shore, And joy was the cause of the act, For he felt as he never had felt before, Insanely glad, in fact. And why? In that vessel that left the bay His mother-in-law had sail'd To a tropical country far away, Where tigers and snakes prevail'd.

Songs of Singularity.

ERKELEY] had no ear for music himself, but music was an enthusiasm in the family, and he retained the well-known Signor Pasquilino for years to teach his children. It was then that the Signor, who had been learning English from a dictionary, exclaimed in an outbreak of gratitude, "May God pickle your lordship!"

A. C. Fraser, Berkeley.

OMEN always did, from the first, make a muss in a garden.

C. D. Warner, My Summer in a Garden.

GOOD ADVICE.

HIS gardener's rule applies to youth and age: When young "sow wild oats," but when old "grow sage."

H. J. Byron, in English Epigrams.

he sacred slow harmonium bring, The gentler pianette, The cymbals, with sonorous ring, The dulcet flageolet. Nor be the voice of glory dumb, Of conquest and of strife, Bring forth the stirring trump and drum, The shrill and piercing fife. Ay, bring them all, my soul with glee To music I'll devote; Bring all—for all are one to me,— I cannot play a note!

Songs of Singularity.

E sometimes hate those who differ from us in opinion worse than we should for an attempt to injure us in the most serious point. A favourite theory is a possession for life; and we resent any attack upon it proportionably.

W. Hazlitt, Characteristics.

HEN Mrs. M'Gibbon was preparing to act Jane Shore, at Liverpool, her dresser, an ignorant country girl, informed her that a woman had called to request two box orders, because she and her daughter had walked four miles on purpose to see the play. "Does she know me?" inquired the mistress. "Not at all," was the reply. "What a very odd request!" exclaimed Mrs. M'G. "Has the good woman got her faculties about her?" "I think she have, ma'am, for I see she ha' got summut tied up in a red silk handkercher."

Horace Smith, The Tin Trumpet.

CLERKE ther was, a puissant wight was hee, Who of ye Wethere hadde ye maisterie; Alway it was his mirthe and his solace To put eche seson's wethere out of place. Whaune that Aprille shoures wer our desyre, He gaf us Julye sonnes as hotte as fyre; But sith ye summere togges we donned agayne, Eftsoons ye wethere chaunged to colde and rayne.

Songs of Singularity.

SHOULDN'T like to be a man—to cough so loud, and stand straddling about on a wet day, and be so wasteful with meat and drink. They're a coarse lot, I think.

Denner, in George Eliot's Felix Holt.

NCE the mastodon was: pterodactyls were common as cocks: Then the Mammoth was God: now is He a prize ox. Parallels all things are: yet many of these are askew: You are certainly I: but certainly I am not you. Springs the rock from the plain, shoots the stream from the rock: Cocks exist for the hen: but hens exist for the cock. God, whom we see not, is: and God, who is not, we see: Fiddle, we know, is diddle: and diddle, we take it, is dee.

The Heptalogia.

PRIVILEGED PERSON.—One who is so much of a savage when thwarted that civilized persons avoid thwarting him.

Anne Evans, Poems and Music.

'VE studied human nature, and I know a thing or two; Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as many do: A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will fall When she looks upon his body chopped particularly small.

W. S. Gilbert, Bab Ballads.

HE Bishop of Exeter, in the course of conversation at a dinner-party, mentioned that many years since, while trout-fishing, he lost his watch and chain, which he supposed had been pulled from his pocket by the bough of a tree. Some time afterwards, when staying in the same neighbourhood, he took a stroll by the side of the river, and came to the secluded spot where he supposed he had lost his valuables, and there, to his surprise and delight, he found them under a bush. The anecdote, vouched for by the word of a bishop, astonished the company; but this was changed to amusement by his son's inquiring whether the watch, when found, was going. "No," replied the bishop; "the wonder was that it was not gone."

Gronow, Recollections.

ON FORTUNE.

ORTUNE, they say, doth give too much to many: And yet she never gave enough to any.

Sir John Haryngton (1561-1612).

DO not speak of this mole in any tone of complaint. I desire to write nothing against him which I should wish to recall at the last,—nothing foreign to the spirit of that beautiful saying of the dying boy, "He had no copybook, which, dying, he was sorry he had blotted."

C. D. Warner, My Summer in a Garden.

NOW, then, that when that touching scene Had reached its tenderest pitch, When all was pathos, calm, serene, His nose began to itch. 'Twas sad, but so it came to pass, The knight might chafe and frown, But could not reach it, for alas! He wore his vizor down.

Songs of Singularity.

REMEMBER asking [Bagehot] if he had enjoyed a particular dinner which he had rather expected to enjoy, but he replied, "No, the sherry was bad; tasted as if L—— had dropped his h's into it."

R. H. Hutton, Memoir of W. Bagehot.

HEN Beings of the fairer sex Arrange their white arms round our necks, We are, we ought to be, enraptured.

Frederick Locker, London Lyrics.

RAY, Mr. Foote, do you ever go to church?" "No, madam; not that I see any harm in it."

Thomas Moore, Diary.

ON AN INCAPABLE PERSON.

ORTUNE advanced thee that all might aver That nothing is impossible to her.

R. Garnett (from the Greek).

REMEMBER a Trinity College (Dublin) story of a student who, having to translate Cæsar, rendered the first sentence, "Omnis Gallia divisa est in tres partes,"—"All Gaul is quartered into three halves."

W. H. Harrison, University Magazine.

LWAYS seem to be modest and bashful, yet wise; Remember the value of using your eyes; Recollect, too, that money's not easily met, And always accept every offer you get; Be polite to all—grandmammas, sisters, and mothers, For they've all of them grandsons, or own sons or brothers; And never forget the chief object in life Is to quickly be settled—a well-to-do wife.

Phœbe, in H. P. Stephens's Billee Taylor.

NE asked what herb that was that cured all diseases. It was answered, "Time."

Conceits, Clinches, etc. (1639).

N his sleeves, which were long, He had twenty-four packs— Which was coming it strong, Yet I state but the facts; And we found on his nails, which were taper, What is frequent in tapers—that's wax.

Bret Harte, Complete Works.

N a conversation which happened to turn on railway accidents and the variety of human sufferings, a bank director observed that he always felt great interest in the case of a broken limb. "Then, I suppose," said ——, "for a compound fracture you feel compound interest."

W. Jerdan, Memoirs.

ON A CERTAIN POET.

HY verses are eternal, O my friend, For he who reads them reads them to no end.

A Collection of Epigrams (1727).

NE day, coming late to dinner in the country, [Lady Charlotte Lindsay] excused herself by the "macadamnable" state of the roads.

Lord Houghton, Monographs.

WISH some girls that I could name Were half as silent as their pictures!

W. M. Praed.

HE other day I heard that whimsical fellow G—— make a rather foolish remark, to the effect that the pleasure of not going to church was a pleasure that never palled.

Frederick Locker, Patchwork.

ND day again declines; In shadow sleep the vines, And the last ray thro' the pines Feebly glows, Then sinks behind yon ridge; And the usual evening midge Is settling on the bridge Of my nose. And keen's the air and cold, And the sheep are in the fold, And Night walks stable-stoled Thro' the trees; And on the silent river The floating star-beams quiver;— And now, the saints deliver Us from fleas.

C. S. Calverley, Verses and Translations.

OMMY TOWNSHEND, a violent, foolish fellow, who was always talking strong language, said in some debate, "Nothing will satisfy me but to have the noble Lord [North]'s head; I will have his head." Lord North said, "The honourable gentleman says he will have my head. I bear him no malice in return, for though the honourable gentleman says he will have my head, I can assure him I would on no account have his."

Charles Greville, Diary.

ITH undissembled grief I tell,— For sorrow never comes too late,— The simplest bonnet in Pall Mall Is sold for £1 8s.

Catharine M. Fanshawe.

AID the Gryphon, "Do you know why it's called a whiting?" "I never thought about it," said Alice. "Why?" "It does the boots and shoes," the Gryphon replied very solemnly. Alice was thoroughly puzzled. "Does the boots and shoes?" she repeated in a wondering tone. "Why, what are your shoes done with?" said the Gryphon. "I mean, what makes them so shiny?" Alice looked down at them, and considered a little before she gave her answer. "They're done with blacking, I believe." "Boots and shoes under the sea," the Gryphon went on in a deep voice, "are done with whiting. Now you know."

Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland.

'M always dull on Christmas Day, It lets a flood of ills in, For that's the time those birds of prey Bring all their horrid bills in!

J. R. Planché, Songs and Poems.

HE wit of a family is usually best received among strangers.

George Eliot, Middlemarch.

WEET maids in wimples fair y-wrought, Shall smile upon thee. Thou shalt say, Oft, by thy halidame, there's nought So gracious and so fair as they, But what thy halidame may be, I trow 'tis useless asking me.

H. Savile Clarke.

E vrai honnête homme est celui qui ne se pique de rien.

La Rochefoucauld, Réflexions.

MEMORY! thou art but a sigh For friendships dead and loves forgot, And many a cold and altered eye That once did say—Forget me not! And I must bow me to thy laws, For—odd although it may be thought— I can't tell who the deuce it was That gave me this Forget-me-not!

Bon Gaultier Ballads.

HAT is Truth? "Bring me the wash-hand basin," is the reply of Pontius Pilate.

Heinrich Heine, The Denunciator.

ON A RECENT ROBBERY.

HEY came and stole my garments, My stockings, all my store, But they could not steal my sermons, For they were stolen before.

Rev. Henry Townshend.

OME folk's tongues are like the clocks as run on strikin', not to tell you the time o' day, but because there's summat wrong i' their own inside.

Mrs. Poyser, in George Eliot's Adam Bede.

IS said that he lived upon bacon and beans, And that sometimes he dined upon salt pork and greens; But he thought that such feeding was rather humdrum,— "I've gone the whole hog," said little Tom Thumb. As Tom once was crossing a river close by, A salmon snapped up, as it would at a fly; But as it was dark Tom did sing rather mum— "I'm down in the mouth," said little Tom Thumb. Next day a black raven poor Tom did espy, Which carried him up to the heaven so high; If the bird let him go, to the ground would he come— "I'll be dashed if I do," said little Tom Thumb.

J. A. Sidey, Mistura Curiosa.

T is often harder to praise a friend than an enemy.

W. Hazlitt, Characteristics.

ON A CERTAIN PARSON.

Y purchase a man's property is known: Scarf's sermons and his livings are his own.

Epigrams in Distich (1740).

MEASURE men's dullness by the devices they trust in for deceiving others. Your dullest animal is he who grins and says he doesn't mind just after he has had his shins kicked.

Machiavelli, in George Eliot's Romola.

GRAMMATICAL.

HE least drop in the world I do not mind: "Cognac" 's a noun I never yet declined.

H. J. Byron, in English Epigrams.

here is no middle course," said Charles X. to Talleyrand, "between the throne and the scaffold!" "Your Majesty forgets the post-chaise!"

Crabb Robinson, Diary.

COULD not, while you shone, Run all that heartless babble off That marks the modern Babylon.

Robert Reece, in Comic Poets.

TO AN IMPORTUNATE HOST DURING DINNER AND AFTER TENNYSON.

SK me no more: I've had enough Chablis; The wine may come again, and take the shape, From glass to glass, of "Mountain" or of "Cape;" But, my dear boy, when I have answered thee, Ask me no more. Ask me no more: what answer should I give? I love not pickled pork nor partridge pie; I feel if I took whisky I should die; Ask me no more—for I prefer to live: Ask me no more. Ask me no more: unless my fate is sealed, And I have striven against you all in vain: Let your good butler bring me Hock again: Then rest, dear boy. If for this once I yield, Ask me no more.

W. D. A.

IR ROBERT GRANT told a story well, and could pun successfully without boring. By way of instance, on the beach at Sidmouth he pronounced the six beautiful Miss Twopennys to be the "Splendid shilling."

Lord Teignmouth, Reminiscences.

H to be wafted away From this black Aceldama of sorrow, Where the dust of an earthy to-day, Is the earth of a dusty to-morrow!

Bunthorne, in W. S. Gilbert's Patience.

NE said, painters were cunning fellows, for they had a colour for everything they did.

Conceits, Clinches, etc. (1639).

EY vent to hear a breecher of De last sensadion shtyle, 'Twas 'nough to make der tyfel weep To see his "awful shmile." "Vot bities dat der Fechter ne'er Vos in Theologie. Dey'd make him pishop in dis shoorsh," Said Breitmann, said he.

C. G. Leland, Breitmann Ballads.

H! Pat; and what do you think will be your feelings on the day of judgment when you meet Mrs. Mahoney, and the pig you stole from her, face to face?" "Does your reverence think the pig will be there?" "Ay, indeed, will he; and what will ye say then?" "I shall say, your reverence, 'Mrs. Mahoney, dear, here's the pig that I borrowed of ye, and I'm mighty glad to have this opportunity of restoring him!'"

Life of Rev. W. Harness.

N VINO VERITAS!—which means A man's a very ass in liquor; The "thief that slowly steals our brains" Makes nothing but the temper quicker. Next morning brings a train of woes, But finds the passions much sedater— Who was it, now, that pulled my nose?— I'd better go and ask the waiter.

H. Cholmondeley Pennell, Pegasus Resaddled.

ONES, the tailor, was asked by a customer, who thought much of his cut, to go down and have some shooting with him in the country. Among the party was the Duke of Northumberland. "Well, Mr. Jones," observed his Grace, "I'm glad to see that you are becoming a sportsman. What sort of gun do you shoot with?" "Oh, with a double-breasted one, your Grace," was the reply.

Life of Rev. W. Harness.

OW wedlock is a sober thing, No more of chains or forges! A plain young man, a plain gold ring, The curate, and St. George's.

Edward Fitzgerald.

HE greatest advantage I know of being thought a wit by the world, is, that it gives one the greater freedom of playing the fool.

Pope, Thoughts on Various Subjects.

ONCEIVE me, if you can, An every-day young man: A common-place type, With a stick and a pipe, And a half-bred black-and-tan; Who thinks suburban "hops" More fun than "Monday Pops"; Who's fond of his dinner, And doesn't get thinner, On bottled beer and chops;— A common-place young man— A matter-of-fact young man— A steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday Every-day young man!

Grosvenor, in W. S. Gilbert's Patience.

DO not so much want to avoid being cheated, as to afford the expense of being so; the generality of mankind being seldom in good humour but whilst they are imposing upon you in some shape or other.

Shenstone, Essays.

NLY think, to have lords overrunning the nation, As plenty as frogs in a Dutch inundation; No shelter from barons, from earls no protection, And tadpole young lords, too, in every direction,— Things created in haste, just to make a court list of, Two legs and a coronet all they consist of!

Thomas Moore.

O! the king, his footsteps this way bending, His cogitative faculties immersed In cogibundity of cogitation.

Aldiborontiphoscophornio, in Carey's Chrononhotonthologos.

T is with narrow-souled people, as with narrow-necked bottles: the less they have in them, the more noise they make in pouring out.

Pope, Thoughts on Various Subjects.

NE privilege to man is left— The privilege of earning The doss that pays the weekly bills.

H. Cholmondeley Pennell, Pegasus Resaddled.

APPY THOUGHT.—"Fridoline!" I have her permission to call her Fridoline. Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!! Happy thoughts!!! I think I am speaking: she speaks: we speak together. A pause. Oh, for one happy thought, now. "May I?" Her head is turned away from me: slightly. She does not move. "I may?" Happy Thought.—I do.

F. C. Burnand, Happy Thoughts.

INDEX.

A. Absence an element of charm, 236 Actress, an inanimate, 59 Adam Bede, quoted, 11, et seq. Adam's language, 27 Advice, Pope on giving, 87 Agreeable person, an, 6 Ailing and ale-ing, 227 Albemarle, Lord, quoted, 32, et seq. Alderman, on an, 180 Alderson, Baron, on Lord Campbell, 194 Aldrich, Dean, quoted, 229 Alice in Wonderland, quoted, 7, et seq. "A little backer," 175 "All Gaul is quartered," 253 "All my eye," 41, 93 All Saints, 106 Allsopp's ale, 152 "All the souls that were," 97 Altruism, Mallock on, 167 Alvanley, Lord, mot by, 67 "Always seem to be modest," 253 Amours de Voyage, quoted, 59 "Anecdotage," 43, 107 Animals, George Eliot on, 41, 102 Anti-Jacobin, the, quoted, 33 "Ape in the days that were earlier," 43 "Ape with pliable thumb," 17 Aristocracy, the, Phœbus on, 170 Aristocratic poets, 223 Arnold, Matthew, on, 123 Art de Parvenir, L', quoted, 231 Art-Unions, Hood on, 3 Ashburton, Lady, mots by, 30, et seq. Ashby-Sterry, J., quoted, 22, et seq. Aspen Court, quoted, 5 Atalanta, on, 188 Athanasian Creed, the, 89 Austin, Alfred, quoted, 19, et seq. B. Bab Ballads, quoted, 105, et seq. Bagehot, Walter, mots by, 84, et seq. Bailey, Philip James, quoted, 26 Balbus, 103 Ballades in Blue China, quoted, 20, et seq. Balls and operas, on, 239 Balzac, quoted, 4, et seq. Bancroft, Thomas, quoted, 228 Barham, R. H., quoted, 12, et seq. Barrington, Sir Jonah, quoted, 28 Barry, Redmond, mot by, 36 Bass's beer, 125 Baxter, Rose, and Norton, 66 Beaconsfield, Lord, quoted, 6, et seq. Bean, the, Warner on, 184 Bears, Locker on, 23 "Beautiful soup," 238 Beazley, Samuel, mots by, 51, et seq. "Beer, such power hath," 235 Beppo, quoted, 21 Berkeley, Grantley, quoted, 142 Biglow Papers, the, quoted, 30, et seq. Billee Taylor, quoted, 127, et seq. Bills, Christmas, 256 ----, weekly, 202, 264 Bishops, Alvanley on, 129 "Bisness first," 15 Black, a great fact, 5 Blackie, Professor, quoted, 45, et seq. "Bloom of ugliness, the," 195 "Blossom of hawthorn," 25 Blows, George Eliot on, 137 Blue-stockings, on, 9 Bon Gaultier Ballads, quoted, 71, et seq. "Books are fatal," 52 Books, reading new, 221 Boredom, the secret of, 34 Bores, Lady Ashburton on, 30 Boudoir Ballads, quoted, 22, et seq. Boyd, Mark, quoted, 56, et seq. Bramston, John, quoted, 48 Braxfield, Lord, anecdote of, 133 "Break, break, break!" 213 Breitmann Ballads, quoted, 86, et seq. Bright, John, Professor Blackie on, 204 Brighton, Collins on, 84; Ashby Sterry on, 211 British Birds, the, quoted, 21, et seq. Broad church, the, 36 "Broken English," 136 Brooks, Shirley, quoted, 5, et seq. Brown, to Lady, 214 Browne, C. F. See Ward, Artemus. ----, J. Jemmett, quoted, 5, et seq. Brummell, mot by, 69

Buckle, Professor Blackie on, 127 Burnand, F. C., quoted, 88, et seq. Busby, Dr., anecdote of, 150 Business, described, 8 Buxton, Charles, quoted, 27, et seq. Byron, H. J., quoted, 10, et seq. ----, Lord, quoted, 7, et seq.; mot by, 62 C. Callender, Miss, mot on, 1 Calverley, C. S., quoted, 5, et seq. Campbell, Thomas, quoted, 231; Rogers on, 35 Candide, Byron on, 216 Cannon, mot by, 135 "Cannot have everything," 63 Cappadocians, on the, 4 Careless Husband, the, quoted, 1 Carey, Henry, quoted, 11, et seq. Carlyle, on, 180 Carols of Cockayne, quoted, 44, et seq. Carroll, Lewis, quoted, 7, et seq. Castlereagh, Lord, mot by, 34 Catch, light-fingered, 135 Cayley, G. J., quoted, 80, et seq. Celebrity, Chamfort on, 13 Cerberus, H. J. Byron on, 228 Ceremony, 149 Chambermaids, Mark Twain on, 124 Chamfort, quoted, 13, et seq. Character, on, 140 Characteristics, Hazlitt's, quoted, 15, et seq. Charron, quoted, 174 Chatterton, Lady, quoted, 93 Chelmsford, Lord, mot by, 142 Chesterfield, Lord, quoted, 53, et seq. Children, Dudley Warner on, 154 China, blue, 149 China-buying, 240 Chloe, Mortimer Collins's, 216 Chloris, to, 240 Chorley, H. F., quoted, 2, et seq. Christ Church "Marriage," 193 Chrononhotonthologos, quoted, 11, et seq. Churches as dormitories, 236 Cibber, Colley, quoted, 1 Clergy, the, and hoeing, 200 Close-fist's subscription, 194 Clough, A. H., quoted, 6, et seq. "Coach, coach, coach!" 11 Cockney, the, 173 "Cognac," Byron on, 25 Coleridge, S. T., quoted, 76, et seq. Collection of Epigrams, quoted, 3, et seq. College life, 166 Collins, Mortimer, quoted, 21, et seq. Comic Poets, quoted, 57, et seq. Companies, Thurlow on, 72 Company, our own, 225 Compliments, 60, 188 Compton's Life, quoted, 14, et seq.; mots by, 55, et seq. Conceits, Clinches, etc., quoted, 232, et seq. Congreve, William, quoted, 12, et seq. Conscience, Mallock on, 108; Byron on, 116 Constancy, Vauvenargues on, 65 Constant, Benjamin, mot by, 230 Contentment, Holmes on, 24 Cork, Lady, anecdote of, 131 "Cornet waltzes, a," 54 Cornopean, the amateur, 173 Courage, drunken, on, 228 Courthope, W. J., quoted, 153 Courtship and marriage, 178 Cowden Clarke, Mrs., quoted, 78 Crawley, Richard, quoted, 36 Critics, the, 202 Croly, George, quoted, 188 Croquet, advice on, 224 Cunningham, John, quoted, 180 Curiosity only vanity, 240 Curran, mots by, 29, et seq. "Cursed be the whole concern," 191 D. Daddy Longlegs, Whately on, 90 Damnation, preaching, 30 Darwin, on, 8, 180 Daughter, an obstinate, 37 Davies, Scrope, quoted, 130 Deshoulières, Madame, quoted, 37 Devil's Walk, the, quoted, 36 Diary, Crabb Robinson's, quoted, 24, et seq. ---- Greville's, quoted, 129 ----, Moore's, quoted, 9, et seq. ----, W. C. Macready's, quoted, 75, et seq. ----, Young's, quoted, 4, et seq. Dickens, Charles, quoted, 15, et seq. Dinner, after, 185 Dinner-bell, Lord Byron on the, 7 Dipsychus, quoted, 163 "Dirty-two," 82 "Discontents, the," 21 Dobson, Austin, quoted, 11, et seq. Domestic woman, a, 198 Donaldson, Dr., mots by, 24, et seq. Don Juan, quoted, 7, et seq. Donne, Dr., quoted, 48; mot by, 212 "Don't Care," Helps on, 13 D'Orsay, Count, mots by, 184, et seq. Double Dealer, the, quoted, 12

Drake, Dr., mot by, 36 "Draw it mild," 219 Drawing on wood, 7 Dress, Vigo on, 222 Drinking, reasons for, 229 Dudley, Lord, Castlereagh on, 34; mot by, 241 Duenna, the, quoted, 37 Dumas fils, quoted, 87 Dust and disease, 78 "Dust of an earthy to-day, the," 261 Duty, Clough on, 6 Dying boy, the, 251 E. Early rising, Saxe on, 122; Hood on, 195 Eater, on a small, 226 Edinburgh, Hannay on, 116 Eliot, George, quoted, 6, et seq. Ellenborough, Lord, mot by, 84 Emerson, R. W., quoted, 47 Endymion, Lord Beaconsfield's, 80, et seq. English Epigrams, quoted, 10, et seq. ---- language, the, 32, 60 "Entirely within their province," 244 Epigram in Distich, quoted, 85 Episcopal office, Sydney Smith on, 192 Equality, on, 45 Eugene Aram, quoted, 152 Evans, Anne, quoted, 49, et seq. Evening dress, on ladies', 174 ---- newspapers, 241 "Every-day young man, an," 263 Eye-glass, on the, 164 F. Fable for critics, a, quoted, 178 False love's quirk, 230 Fanshawe, Catherine M., quoted, 256 Fashion, Lytton on, 18 Feeding a cold, 42 Felix Holt, quoted, 26 Felons and their "innocent enjoyment," 241 Festus, quoted, 26 Fiddler, on a bad, 3 Fielding, Henry, quoted, 56 Fields, J. T., quoted, 14, et seq. Fifty years of my life, quoted, 32, et seq. Fine lady, a, Pope on, 42 "First men of the century," 185 Fitzgerald, Edward, quoted, 262 Flattery, Vauvenargues on, 95 Fly-leaves, quoted, 15, et seq. Fools, Hazlitt on, 143 Foote, mots by, 211, et seq. "Forever," 142 Fortune, on, 251 Forty year, 197 "Forty years long," 156 "Found it advisable," 57 "Four by honours," 33 Franklin, Mark Twain on, 178 Fraser, Professor, quoted, 247 Free-thinking, 113 "Free to confess," 47 Freeman, Mr., on, 242 ----, Thomas, quoted, 196 "Friend, go thy way," 155 Friends and ripe fruit, 79 ----, Hazlitt on, 106 —— in Council, quoted, 13, et seq. ----, Old, Selden on, 11 French, the, Harness on, 38 ---- and English, 210 Froude and Kingsley, 111 Fuller, Francis, quoted, 173 Funny man, a, 30 G. Galla, Haryngton on, 225 "Gardener's rule, this," 248 Garnett, Richard, quoted, 60, et seq. Gay, John, quoted, 240 Genus, 111 "Georgium Any-sidus," 99 German language, the, 237 "Gift of the gab," 74 Gilbert, W. S., quoted, 14, et seq. Gilfil's love story, quoted, 41 Gillon, Joseph, mot by, 141 Good little girls, 115 "Good not the word," 55 Good people, Locker on, 204 Grapes and gripes, on, 155 Gratitude, popular, 189 Graves, Richard, quoted, 225 Greville, Charles, quoted, 129 Gronow's Recollections, quoted, 10, et seq. Guesses at Truth, quoted, 5, et seq. H. "Halidame, by thy," 257 Hamilton, Sir John, mot by, 28 Hannay, James, quoted, 23, et seq. Happy Thoughts, quoted, 88, et seq. Harness, William, mot by, 38 Harrison, W. H., quoted, 38, et seq. Harte, Bret, quoted, 8, et seq. Haryngton, Sir John, quoted, 225 Hay, John, quoted, 13, et seq. Haydon, B. R., quoted, 4, et seq.

Hayward, Abraham, quoted, 3, et seq. Hazlitt, William, quoted, 15, et seq. Heath, Robert, quoted, 201 "Hegel's modest formula," 53 Heine, Heinrich, quoted, 126, et seq. Helps, Sir Arthur, quoted, 13, et seq. Heptalogia, the, quoted, 250 "Heureux plafond," 85 Hicks, epigrams by, 2, et seq. High Life Below Stairs, quoted, 37 Hill, Aaron, quoted, 205 H.M.S. Pinafore, quoted, 56 Holmes, Oliver Wendell, quoted, 24, et seq. Holland, Lord, epigram by, 51 "Home they brought," 200 Hood, Thomas, quoted, 3, et seq.; anecdotes of, 155, et seq. Hook, Theodore, mots by, 2, et seq. Horace at Athens, quoted, 32, et seq. —— in London, quoted, 34 Horse and Foot, quoted, 36 House of Commons, on, 160 "How doth the little crocodile," 118 Hugman, R., quoted, 92 Hugo, Victor, Heine on, 151 Humility, Selden on, 48 Hunt, Leigh, quoted, 228 Hunting of the Snark, the, quoted, 22, et seq. Husband, an intemperate, 65 ----, the desire of a, 177 "Hyam to Moses," 19 Hyperion, quoted, 117 Hypocrite, a, 148 I. "I and non-I," 246 "I loiter down," 162 "I make the butter fly," 32 Idylls and Epigrams, quoted, 60, et seq. Ignorance, blessed, 201 ----, Felix Holt on, 199 Immorality, present day, 92 Impositions of mankind, 263 Incapable person, on an, 252 Ingoldsby Lyrics, quoted, 12, et seq. Insolence, 12 Intentions, good, 91 Irving, Washington, mot by, 4 J. Jabberwock, The, 220 Janet's Repentance, quoted, 96 Jeaffreson, J. C., quoted, 85 Jekyll, mot by, 26 Jenkins, Mrs., quoted, 171 Jenner, lines on, 6 Jerdan, William, quoted, 135 Jerrold, Douglas, mot by, 14 "John P. Robinson, he," 30 Johnson, Dr., quoted, 50 "Juliet was a fool," 53 "Jure mariti," 57 Juxtaposition, Clough on, 113 K. Kean, B. Smith and, 9 "Keep all you have," 17 Kemble, Fanny, quoted, 1, et seq. Kenelm Chillingly, quoted, 39 Kenny, mot by, 156 "Kill him where he is," 147 King Arthur, quoted, 17 Kingsley and Froude, 111 Knowles, Sheridan, anecdotes of, 9, et seq. L. Ladies in Parliament, quoted, 13, et seq. Ladies' accomplishments, on, 132 Lady of Lyons, the, quoted, 130 Lafayette, Heine on, 227 Lake poets, the, 130 Lamb, Charles, mots by, 22, et seq. Landor, Walter Savage, quoted, 64, et seq. Lang, Andrew, quoted, 20, et seq. La Rochefoucauld, quoted, 20, et seq. Las Alforgas, quoted, 160 Latest Decalogue, the, 218 Latter-Day Lyrics, quoted, 101 Laughter, Byron on, 96 "Lays of now-a-days," 67 Leigh, H. S., quoted, 44,et seq. Leland, C. G., quoted, 86, et seq. Letters to Julia, quoted, 39 Lettuce and conversation, 169 Life described, 203 Lindsay, Lady Charlotte, mots by, 70, et seq. Lingendes, Jean de, quoted, 151 Literary Gazette, the, quoted, 97 "Literature suited to desolate islands", 178 "Little Billee," quoted, 217 "Little knowledge, a," 95 "Livy was Tacitus," 122 Locker, Frederick, quoted, 8, et seq. Lockhart, J. G., quoted, 141 London, Morris on, 4 —— Lyrics, quoted, 8, et seq. Longfellow, quoted, 117

"Look to settlements," 145 Lothair, quoted, 6, et seq. Lot's wife, Hicks on, 2 Love and marriage, 31, 99, 159, 168 ---- and wisdom, 174 ----, Chamfort on, 55 ----, Corporal Bunting on, 152 ----, first and second, 195 ----, first, Bernal on, 112 —— for Love, quoted, 77 ---- -letters, 158 "—— levels all," 239 ---- -making, Balzac on, 4 ----, manifestations of, 127 ---- song, by H. Smith, 18 "Lovely woman, lump of folly," 184 "Love's but a dance," 27 Lowell, J. R., quoted, 30, et seq. Lucilius, quoted, 208 Luck, good and bad, 150 "Luke-warm," 117 Luttrell, Henry, mots by, 23, et seq.; quoted, 39 Lying and good breeding, 77 Lyra Urbanica, quoted, 4, et seq. Lytton, Lord, quoted, 8, et seq. M. "Macadamnable," 254 Macaulay, Lord, quoted, 2, et seq. MacCulloch, mot by, 219 Mackay, Charles, quoted, 68 Macmillan's Magazine, quoted, 33, et seq. Macready, W. C., quoted, 75 Magnanimity, Hazlitt on, 15 "Maidens of the mart," 19 Mallock, W. H., quoted, 46, et seq. Man of business, the, 75 —— of Taste, the, quoted, 48 Man's end, 30 Margaret Percival, quoted, 15 Marie-Louise, 227 Marriage, Shirley Brooks on, 55; Mrs. Steele on, 58; Selden on, 71, 95; Chamfort on, 79 Martial, in London, 169; quoted, 221 Matrimony, Heine on, 171 Matter, the laws of, 46 Maximes, Chamfort's, quoted, 13, et seq. Men, George Eliot on, 249 Men's nature, Buxton on, 27 Mendelssohn, anecdote of, 133 Meredith, George, quoted, 31 Merit, how treated, 28 Merry Wives of Windsor, the, 186 Middlemarch, quoted, 21, et seq. Middleton, Lord, anecdote of, 172 Mill on the Floss, the, quoted, 17, et seq. Mind and Matter, Neaves on, 140 Minorities, the rights of, 208 Mistura Curiosa, quoted, 147, et seq. Mitford, Miss, quoted, 67, et seq. "Mixture as before, the," 244 Modern Love, quoted, 31 Money, quoted, 60 ----, Clough on, 163 Monk Lewis, anecdote of, 54 Montrond, mots by, 168, et seq. Moore, Thomas, quoted, 9, et seq. Morality, H. Smith on, 51 Mormons, on the, 197 Morris, Charles, quoted, 4, et seq. "Most music-hall," 243 Mothers-in-law, 146, 247 Musa Burschicosa, quoted, 45, et seq. "My Lord," 183 My Summer in a Garden, quoted, 47, et seq. N. Narrow-souled people, 264 Neaves, Lord, quoted, 8, et seq. Neilson, Miss, on, 67 "Never read," 89 Newell, R. H., quoted, 26, et seq. Newgate Windows, on, 229 New Paul and Virginia, quoted, 46, et seq. —— Republic, the, quoted, 92, et seq. Newspapers, Lord Beaconsfield on, 152 Nice, on the word, 229 North, Lord, mot by, 67 Northern lights, on, 58 Notes of thought, quoted, 27, et seq. "Nothing is, and nothing's not," 53 "—— new," 4 "—— particular on my mind," 40 Novel, A Nutshell, 119 ----, a sensation, described, 93 November, Planché on, 203 Number One, Lytton on, 50 O. O'Connell, Morgan John, mot by, 70 Old Bachelor, the, quoted, 178 Old Times and Distant Places, quoted, 34 Oliphant, Lawrence, quoted. 35, et seq. Once a Week, quoted, 9, et seq. Onion, the, 47 "—— is strength," 105 Orange, the, 156 Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, quoted, 26, et seq.

Original sin, 231 Outram, George, quoted, 179 Overbury, Sir Thomas, quoted, 104 Owl, the, quoted, 64 P. Palladas, quoted, 59, et seq. Pall Mall Gazette, the, quoted, 53, et seq. Palmerston, Lord, mot by, 85 Paradise of Birds, the, quoted, 153 "Parcus deorum cultor," 73 Parr, Dr., Basil Montague on, 129 Pascal, quoted, 240 Patchwork, quoted, 45, et seq. Patience, quoted, 88, et seq. Patrons' promises, Lord Holland on, 51 Paul Clifford, quoted, 8 Peel, Sir Robert, mot by, 111 Pelham, quoted, 18 Pennell, H. Cholmondeley, quoted, 16, et seq. Pensées, Pascal's, quoted, 240 Permissive Bill, the, 203 "Personal" and "real," 32 Phantasmagoria, quoted, 85, et seq. Phœbe, to, 187 Phryne, Donne on, 48 Physiologie du Mariage, quoted, 4, et seq. Piccadilly, quoted, 35, et seq. "Pickle your lordship!" 247 Picnic party, a, 15, 86 Pictures, seeing, 151 Piety and cooking, 112 Pirates of Penzance, the, quoted, 58 "Plain leg of mutton," 55 Planché, J. R., quoted, 9, et seq. Pleasing, the art of, 31 Pleasure of not going to church, the, 254 Pleasures of the people, the, 234 Plunket, mots by, 32, et seq. Poems and Music, quoted, 49, et seq. Poetical Farrago, the, quoted, 154 Poets' meaning, Byron on, 21 Poisoners, social, 110 "Policeman's lot, the," 209 Pommery Gréno, 193 Poole, mot by, 161 Poor relations, George Eliot on, 43 Pope, Alexander, quoted, 42, et seq. Popular man, a, 122 Positivists, the, Collins on, 108, 138 Poverty, on, 85; the ancients on, 8 Practical man, a, 49 "Practising all night," 35 Praed, W. M., quoted, 128 Praise, La Rochefoucauld on, 20 Preaching, Baron Alderson on, 174 Preoccupied man, a, 129 Presbyterian singing, 215 Pride of talent, 73 "Priest's orders," 61 Prigs, 120 Prima donna, the, and stout, 5 Primitive man, Lang on, 20 ---- tongue, the, 49 Princess-robe, the, 84 Privileged person, a, 250 "Pro conibus calidis," 68 Procter, Bryan Waller, quoted, 35 Property in England, 165 Prophecy, a mistake, 239 Prospectus, 41 Proverbs in Porcelain, quoted, 27, et seq. Public dinners, Helps on, 44 Public-house, on a, 90 Puck on Pegasus, quoted, 16, et seq. Punch, quoted, 228, et seq. Punsters, Lamb on, 246 Pygmalion, on, 5 Q. Question d'Argent, la, quoted, 87 R. Radical, on a certain, 215 ---- reformer, on a, 23 Rank and trade, on, 5 Recognition, the, 183 Recollections, Berkeley's, quoted, 142 ----, Gronow's, quoted, 10, et seq. ----, Mackay's, quoted, 68, et seq. ----, Planché's, quoted, 9, et seq. Record of a Girlhood, quoted, 1, et seq. Reece, Robert, quoted, 57, et seq. Réflexions, Deshoulières', quoted, 37 ----, La Rochefoucauld's, 20, et seq. ----, Vauvenargues', quoted, 65, et seq. Reliable, on the word, 170 Religion, Selden on, 176 ---- of humanity, the, 242 Reminiscences, Boyd's, quoted, 56, et seq. ----, Teignmouth's, 36, et seq. Repentance, La Rochefoucauld on, 59; Hazlitt on, 60 Retz, Cardinal de, quoted, 96 Reynolds, Hamilton, mot by, 133 Richelieu, quoted, 76 "Rise up, cold reverend," 83 Robinson, Crabb, quoted, 24, et seq. Rogers, Samuel, quoted, 1, et seq.; mots by, 21, et seq.

Romances, Byron on, 177 Romola, quoted, 6, et seq. "Rose kissed me to-day," 48 Rose, Sir George, mots by, 33, et seq. Rossini, anecdotes of, 76, et seq. Routh, Dr., mot by, 86 "Rum and true religion," 159 S. "Saddest when I sing," 16 Safety in numbers, 98 Saints and sinners, 81 Salad, Mortimer Collins on, 236 Satan a blunderer, 225 Saunders and Otley, 94 Savile Clarke, H., quoted, 125, et seq. Sawyer, William, quoted, 65, et seq. Saxe, John Godfrey, quoted, 10, et seq. Scandal, on, 196 Scotch economy, 40 Scotch tunes, 152 Scotch weather, on, 205 Season, the, quoted, 19, et seq. Sègur, Comte de, quoted, 87 Selden, John, quoted, 11, et seq. Self-satisfaction, 235 Sensible men, the religion of, 146 Sermons, stolen, 258, 259 "Sermons and soda-water," 150 Sewell, Miss, quoted, 15 "Shade over, a," 226 Shakespeare, quoted, 10 Shelburne, Lord, mot by, 159 Shenstone, William, quoted, 44, et seq. Sheridan, R. B., quoted, 37; mot by, 65 "Shickspur," 37 Shotover Papers, the, quoted, 83, et seq. Sidey, J. A., quoted, 147 Sinclair, Archdeacon, quoted, 34 "Sing for the garish eye," 14 Singer, on a bad, 76 "Singing singers, the," 87 Sketches and Characters, quoted, 23, et seq. Smith, Horace, quoted, 18, et seq.; mot by, 25 ----, James, mot by, 213; quoted, 34, et seq. ----, Robert, mots by, 2, et seq. ----, Sydney, mots by, 1, et seq. Societies, Chesterfield on, 208 Society, a state of war, 231 Society, two classes in, 120 Songs and Poems, Planché's, quoted, 75, et seq. Songs and Verses, Neaves's, quoted, 8, et seq. —— of many Seasons, quoted, 5, et seq. —— of Singularity, quoted, 32, et seq. Sorcerer, the, quoted, 61 Southesk, Lord, quoted, 230 Speculation, George Eliot on, 52 ---- and peculation, 210 "Splendid shilling, the," 260 Squinted, on one who, 207 Steele, Mrs. A. C., quoted, 5, et seq. Stephens, H. P., quoted, 127, et seq. Stuart Mill on Mind and Matter, 140 Stupid people, on, 179 Stupidity, Heine on, 159 Suckling, Sir John, quoted, 98 Sunday dismality, 123 Swift, Jonathan, quoted, 49, et seq. T. Table Talk, Selden's, quoted, 1, et seq. Tailors, Overbury on, 104 "Take him for half and half," 68 Talleyrand, mot by, 10 Teignmouth, Lord, quoted, 36, et seq. Temper, on losing, 138 "Tender ten," 53 Tennyson, Alfred, quoted, 148; anecdote of, 132 ----, after, 260 Thackeray, mots by, 46, et seq.; quoted, 55 Theatrical nuisance, on a, 220 Theophilus, Rogers on, 1 Theory, a favourite, 248 Thurlow, Lord, mot by, 72 "Tide of time, the," 107 Tierney, mot by, 136 Time, on, 253 Tin Trumpet, the, quoted, 18, et seq. "Tommy Onslow", 46 Tom Thumb, 258 Tom Thumb, quoted, 56 "Too much—too much," 136 "To sniggle or to dibble," 175 "To urn or not to urn," 65 Town and country, 128 Townshend, Henry, quoted, 130 Tradition, George Eliot on, 76 Tragedies and comedies, 124 Trapp, Dr., epigram on, 154 Traveller, the, and the gorilla, 60 Travelling, on, 180 Trevelyan, G. O., quoted, 13, et seq. Trial by Jury, quoted, 43 "Trifles," on, 214 Turner, Godfrey, quoted, 20