Volume 93 — CHRISTMAS CRIMES.
Reading edition
(Dedicated to the unfortunate Concocters of Sensational Leading Articles.)
"A merry Christmas! And why not a Merry Christmas, we should like to be informed? Is it not far better to be joyous and mirthful than to be——" (&c. Supply vigorous epithets here). "A black-souled tyrant like Cæsar Borgia could, no doubt, spend his Yule-tide in——" (&c., &c. Invent some revolting anecdote about Cæsar B.) "Yet even those insufficiently clad progenitors of ours, the ancient Druids, seem to have understood as though by instinct the solemn nature of the season which to-day ushers in, and in what Mr. Freeman——" (or was it Lord Tennyson? Never mind—chance it!)—"calls the 'dateless dawn of history,' they first employed the mistletoe bough for ritual, and perhaps even for osculatory, purposes, and habitually gave themselves an extra coat of paint on the 25th of each recurrent December. And who can blame them?" (Recollect that interrogatories, addressed to nobody in particular, add force to a style.) "What though our modern Yule-tide ceremonies are a mere survival of——" (Here bring in anything you know about the Roman Saturnalia, say something pretty about holly being Scandinavian, and that "Waits" were quite common in Athens in Sophocles' time, especially on the stage. Then go on triumphantly and truculently, as if you had proved your point down to the ground)—"What difference does it make? It is the great holiday of the Winter——" (This will be a novel idea to most of your readers.) "For the children, who gather round the cheerful fire, and listen to the ghost-story invented by some eloquently mendacious uncle, the season positively sparkles and scintillates with happiness."
"How exquisitely pleasant it is to hear the childish voices," &c., &c. (to any amount).
"Even for the elders, too, there is a mirth and joy about the Sacred Season, as they calmly retire to their beds just when the row down-stairs is becoming unbearable, and locking their doors, look carefully round the room to see that the jug is filled in readiness for the midnight serenaders of this blissful time.
"When Dickens drew his immortal picture of——" (&c., &c. Here gush at length about Gabriel Grubb, Tiny Tim, and anybody suitable, from The Christmas Chimes or Carols), "or when Washington Irving depicted the more than feudal merry-makings at"——(&c., &c. Try to cook up as much about Bracebridge Hall as you think the public will stand. Perhaps a few practical words at the end would be advisable, as follows):—
"And after our traditional Yule-tide offerings are over; after the preposterous claims of the postman and the lamp-lighter have been liquidated by liquor or satisfied by sixpences; then can we forget that besides this private bounty we also have a duty to our country? Lives there the man with soul so dead, Whose heart within him has not bled, And who, quite promptly has not fled, at mention of that grandest of Nineteenth Century inspirations, the Jubilee Imperial Institute? The Imperial Institute is——" (Here mention what it is. If you don't quite know, you can count upon none of your readers being any the wiser. Then add appeals for cash, a few more Yule-tide common-places, and a general and genial wind-up.)
When a judgment is re-versed, ought not the original to have been in rhyme?
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
INDEX
Absurd to a Degree, 13
Actor's Progress (The), 203
Adam Slaughterman, 88
Addio, Adelina! 286
Advice Gratis, 246
Albert Hall Concert, 244
All in Play, 49, 88, 100, &c.
All the Difference, 82, 222
"All the Talents," 300
Almost too Good to be True, 251
Alteram Partem, 278
Amen! 253
American China, 146
American Chorus, 249
Another "Butler;" or, A Thorne in his side, 301
Another Chance for Joe and Jesse, 215
Arms and the (Police) Man, 17
'Arry at the Sea-side, 111
'Arry on Angling, 45
'Arry on his Critics, 280
'Arry on Law and Order, 249
'Arry on Ochre, 169
Artist's Holiday (The), 94
At Hawarden, 226
At Home with Atoms, 114
At the Lyceum, 26
At the Naval Review, 30
At the Oval, 61
Autumn Lay (An), 189
Babes in the Christmas Wood (The), 267
Backing Baco, 126
Bacon Again, 288
Bacon v. Shakspeare, 286
Bad News for Tea-Drinkers, 192
Ballade of the House (A), 82
Ballade of the Timid Bard, 185
Ballet (The), 97
Bard at Henley (The), 5
Barr Drink (A), 137
Bartlett's Baby, 214
Battle of the Way (The), 157
"Bearing of it lies in the Application" (The), 219
Bicyclists of England (The), 145
Big Work and Little Hands, 184
Bishop and Port, 254
Black Affair at Hayti (A), 217
Blessings in Disguise, 29
Bob Sawyer Redivivus, 179
Bogey in Bond Street, 190
"Bon Voyage!" 93
Bounties to Foreigners, 205
Boy and the Bear (The), 142
Brigand's Doom (The), 129
Burly Gentleman (A), 232
Burning Question (A), 96
By a Canterbury Belle, 69
By George! 231
Case-o'-my-Banker, 118
Chairs to Mend, 190
Change, 75
Change of Name, 106
Channel Talk, 81, 191
"Charles our Friend," 222
Chess-shire Cheese (A), 58
Chimes (The), 294
Christmas Crimes, 310
"Christmas is Coming!" 243
Circular Note (A), 293
Circus Performances, 117
Clear as Crystal; or, All about it, 29
Cloud of Yachts (A), 193
"Cold id by Doze," 196
Complaint of the Cockney Clerk (The), 167
Confessor's Costume (A), 244
Conscientious Apparition (The), 298
Conventional Politeness, 210
Cornet and Piano, 301
Correct Card (The), 62
Country Cousin's Vade Mecum (The), 46
Court Circular (The), 40
Crossing the Bar, 165
Cry from the Counting-house (A), 285
Dark Look-out (A), 17
Day Out (A), 26
Dear Departed (The), 298
Derby and Gladstone, 203
Despatch with Economy, 38
Difficult Navigation, 54
Disputed Will (A), 273
Doll-ce Domum, 309
Down-y Philosopher (A), 261
Dramatic Oratorio (A), 269
Drury Lane with Pleasure, 113
Duke's Motto (The), 123
Dustman and the Barge-Owner (The), 239
'Eat of Discussion (The), 145
Echoes from St. James's Palace, 178
Elegant Extracts by Eminent Men, 61
End of the Jubilee (The), 62
End of the Summer (An), 133
Epitaph (An), 40
Essence of Parliament, 11, 23, 35, &c.
Euthanasia, 203
Eviction, 74
Extra Special, 246
Father of the Man (The), 123
Ferdinand and Ariel, 76
"Finis Coronat Opus," 76
Fire and Water, 78
First in the Field, 112
Fishers (The), 219
Fistic Crack, Smith (The), 286
Fling at Fair Traders, 277
Floreat Maschera! 3
Fly and the Farmers (The), 106
For an Irish Trip, 118
Foreign Language Competition, 70
Forest Talk, 166
Foul is Fair, 40
Founded on Fact, 291
Four Noble Burglars (The), 216
From a Country Cousin, 303
From Mr. Henry Irving's Note-Book, 201
Furnishing Fictionists, 292
Future Position of the Army (The), 276
Garden, Lane, and Market, 5
Garden Talk, 153
Gentle Johnny Bull, 208
Gentle Shepherd! 173
"Gesta Grayorum," 16
Gladstone Bait (The), 230
"Glass Falling!" 66
Gog and Magog at the Ball, 9
Gold and Steel, 158
"Good Gun" (A), 90
Grandolph's Teachings, 21
Grasp your Thistle, 161
Great News for the Impecunious, 141
Great Thirst Land (The), 40
Havoc! 61
Hazard of A-dye (The), 66
Heavy Lightning, 145
Henry Mayhew, 53
Hibernia to the Queen, 9
Hints for the Unemployed, 202
Hint to the Howlers (A), 113
His First Appearance at the Café des Ambassadeurs, 218
Holiday Hints, 105
"Homes in the Hills," 102
"Home, Sweet Home!" 12
House and Home, 129
How Then? 166
How to Escape the Fog, 258
Humility, 221
Hydropathic Art, 278
Hygienic, 153
Imperial Institutors, 204
Important Summing-Up (An), 255
In Convocation, 24
Infant Phenomenon (The), 306
Ingratitude of Grandolph (The), 227
Insurer's Phrase-Book (The), 77
In their Crackers, 297
In the Nick of Time, 292
Invitation (An), 87
Irish Net Profit, 108
"Irish Prosecutions," 183
Jack's Response, 38
Jaw-holding, 220
Jenny Lind, 219
Jest in Earnest, 63
Jills in Office, 4
Joe's Jaunt, 189
Jupiter Tonans! 102
Kept In, 250
Knight Thoughts, 197
Ladies' Law, 65
Lady Godiva and her Portraits, 14
Laissez-Faire, 110
Land Measure, 73
Lane and Garden, 33
Larks and the Roses (The), 261
Larks for Legislators, 34
Last of the Go-he-cans (The), 221
Last (Signal) Man (The), 162
Last Visit (but One) to the Academy (The), 9
Latest Addition to Fairy Land, 250
Latest and Best from Berlin (The), 270
Latest from Lord's (The), 2
Latest Street Improvement, 15
Lawful (?) Latitude, 84
Lay of Lawrence Moor! 292
Learned Protest (A), 297
Learning the Language, 117
Legion of Dishonour (The), 182
Lesson for the Day (The), 242
Lesson of the Royal Review (The), 28
Letter-Bag of Toby, M.P., 173, 184, 196, &c.
Lichfield House of Call (A), 180
Light from the Wind, 133
Lighting the Dublin Beacon, 258
Line for Browning (A), 237
Literary Find (A), 252
Loaded with Presents, 174
"Long expected come at Last!" 5
Lord Mayor's Day in Dublin (A), 170
Lord Salisbury's Shakspeare, 273
Lords and Ladies, 21
Lost Record (The), 130
Magazines in Bulk, 205
Making it Easy, 42
Manners and Customs of the City of London, 228
Marble Arch (The), 73
"Margarine," 34
May in November, 242
Measure for Measure, 96
Medical New Year's Day (The), 166
Messenger of Peace (The), 186
"Mi Lor Maire," 240
Mixed Pickles; or, A Very Late Party, 14
More Advice Gratis, 130
More Jills in Office, 17
More Realism, 221
More Reminiscences, 232
Morning's Reflections (The), 157
Mr. Gladstone on the Fifth of November, 208
Mr. Punch's Manual for Young Reciters, 25, 37, 64, &c.
Muse in Manacles (The), 192
"My Lawyer," 26
Mysterious Paper (A), 225
Nappy Holiday (A), 228
Necessary Explanation (A), 278
Negative Results, 238
Ne Plus Ulster, 191
New, and Bad, "Hatch" (The), 6
New North-West Passage (The), 174
New Quixote (The), 194
New Sixpence (The), 274
Newton and the Apple, 18
New Version, 231
New Wersion of an Old Song (A), 72
New Year Mems, 305
New Year's Card (A), 302
Not a "Deus ex Machinâ," 150
(Not at all) Bad Homburg, 155
(Not so) Bad Homburg, 143
Nottingham v. Sunderland, 201
Novel Reader's Vade Mecum (The), 105
Nu Dikshonary (The), 165
Nuggets in North Wales, 304
O'Brien's Breeches, 274
Obviously, 237
Octopus of Romance and Reality (The), 171
Official Object Lessons, 22
Of the Maske-aline Gender, 28
Old Doggerel Adapted, 22
Oldest Sketching Club in the World (The), 270
"On his Own Hook!" 114
On the Stump, in Two Senses, 141
On the Wing, 138
On the Wrong Scent, 270
Open Question, 264
Operatic Confusion, 1
Our Advertisers, 149, 197, 209
Our Booking-Office, 165, 180, 192, &c.
Our Christmas Booking-Office, 281
Our Debating Club, 245, 268
Our Exchange and Mart, 49, 69
Our Ignoble Selves, 121
Our Theatrical Picture-Posters, 275
Palace of (Advertising) Art (The), 263
Papers from Pumphandle Court, 241
Parliamentary Ballyhooly (The), 62
Parliamentary Notices, 61
Paving the Way for him, 22
"Paying their Shot," 147
Peccant Member (The), 114
Philosopher's Stone (The), 252
Philosophy at the Popping-Crease, 25
Piccadilly Players, 293
Plea for the Birds (A), 125
Pleasant Traveller's Conversation-Book (The), 73
Plentiful Lac (The), 226
Pluck of Gggrrandddolllmann's Camp (The), 285
Point of Law (A), 161
Poor Old England! 162
Powers that be (The), 245
Pretty Centenarian (A), 122
Pretty Kettle of Fish (A), 154
Price of Support (The), 85
Private Banker's Pæan (The), 77
Privileged Pistols, 73
Pro Bono Publico, 197
Professor at the Dinner-Table (The), 287
Progressive Programme (A), 193
Promenading, 246
Protest (A), 186
Queen at Hatfield (The), 26
Quite a Little Holiday, 179, 193
Quite Chrismassy, 281
Quite English, 134
"Quite English, you know," 282
Raleigh too Bad, 6
Rapture, 93
Rasher Theory of Bacon (A), 278
Rather Mixed, 232
Real Grievance Office (The), 170
Real "Inky Flood" (A), 110
Real Sporting Event (A), 118
Reasons Why, 246
Recent Prize-Fight (The), 303
Regular Cell (A), 137
"Re-Joyce!" 278
Reminiscence of the Naval Review (A), 52
Richard Jeffries, 93
Rise in Balloons (A), 89
Robert at Lillie Bridge, 159
Robert at Kilburn, 255
Robert at Marlow, 125
Robert at the Academy, 13
Robert at the American Exhibition, 10
Robert at the Guildhall Ball, 33
Robert at the Ministerial Bankwet, 81
Royalty at the Palace, 4
Robert at Spithead, 57
Robert on Lord Mayor's Day, 237
Robert on Luxury, 206
Robert on Spelling, 183
Robert on the French Tung, 309
"Room and Verge," 75
Roses in December, 289
Row in the Gallery (A), 221
Sailor's Slip (The), 57
Salubrities Abroad, 65, 76, 86, &c.
Sardou and Sara, 258
Scarcely Worth While, 25
Scarletina at Truro, 225
Schoolmaster of the Future (The), 234
Sea-Dreams, 70
Seeing his Way, 39
Shakspeare Up Again, 289
Shakspearian Question (The), 274
Shows Views, 185, 208, 220, &c.
Shrimp Cure (The), 240
Sidonian Shakspeare, 46
Sigh of the Season (The), 106
Social Romance, 304
Society Sibyls, 279
Some More Official Jills, 50
Some Notes at Starmouth, 97, 120, 132, &c.
Something to Swallow, 303
Song by Sir Abel Handy, 24
Songs at Stamboul, 21
Soothing Song for August (A), 69
So Seasonable, you know, 245
Sound Opinion (A), 285
"Special" Reasons, 243
Stable Companion (A), 167
Straight Tip (The), 277
Strange Adventures of Ascena Lukin-glass, 109
Strictly Private, 232
Studies from Mr. Punch's Studio, 41, 204
Summer Boating Song, 58
Summer Soliloquy (A), 108
Suspiria, 229
Swivellerianism, 309
Tale of Terror (A), 110
Testimonial (A), 18
Theatrical Noes to Queries, 168
Theatrical Reciprocity, 277
Theory and Practice, 233
To a Lady Dentist, 195
To his Mistress, 249
Tom Brown & Co.'s Schooldays, 256
Too Clever by Half, 293
Too Much of a Good Thing, 3
"To Tea-pot Bay and Back," 121
To the Incomplete (Political) Angler, 209
To the Modern Men of Gotham, 281
To the Unemployed, 245
Town Mouse's Trials (The), 231
Toying with Truth, 286
Traveller's Vade Mecum (The), 64
Turning to the Left, 169
'Twill Illume, 243
Two Goats (The), 180
Two Canons and Bean-Baggers (The), 258
Two French Presidents rolled into One, 254
Two Voices (The), 198
Tympanum (The), 156
Uncommon, 306
Unemployed, 298
Venice Unpreserved, 98
Verb Sap., 33
Very Annoying, 26
Very like a Wales, 62
Very Pretty Tale by Anderson (A), 124
Vicarious Whipping, 159
Visit to "The Licensed Vistlers", 291
Virtues of Omission 99
Voces Populi, 201, 214, 226, &c.
Wail of Messrs. Burt and Fenwick, 145
Wail of the Male (The), 126
Wail of the Wire (The), 242
Waiting his Orders, 300
Wanted, a Theseus, 150
Way of the Wind (The), 99
Well Protected, 280
Welsh for the Welsh, 73
What was it? 138
Whistling Relief (The), 106
Whitman in London, 101
Why he Went, 82
Woes of the Water Consumer (The), 250
Words in Season, 123
Worth Cultivating, 290
Worth Mentioning, 14
Would-be "Literary Gent" (A), 274